How are you coping today?

[Mac0908]

I felt it was a good move to unblock. I could see something that would hurt me and help me to move on.

 

This is interesting bc I was just thinking about it today. What if I looked at her social media and saw SOMETHING with regards to her and another guy? Would that help me? Would that hurt me? I was tempted to look but I chose to STICK to no contact. I personally think everyone is different but I hear what you're saying. Anything to possibly speed up the healing process is like gold. But at least in my case, I am unsure if it would make me feel even worse so the right move is to not look at all.

[anonymousbear00101100]

This is interesting bc I was just thinking about it today. What if I looked at her social media and saw SOMETHING with regards to her and another guy? Would that help me? Would that hurt me? I was tempted to look but I chose to STICK to no contact. I personally think everyone is different but I hear what you're saying. Anything to possibly speed up the healing process is like gold. But at least in my case, I am unsure if it would make me feel even worse so the right move is to not look at all.

 

I think ambiguity is good and would suggest sticking to no contact until you know it won't hurt you. Maybe for some it helps, but on days you're down are you really going to want to be thinking about how she's with someone else? You will move on regardless of whether you know they have a significant other or not as long as you give it time. I always have to remind myself that if my need to look is still there in a week, I can look then.

 

I learned of my first ex cheating on me shortly after the breakup (eventually found out she had another boyfriend for a while over distance). I think it would have been a lot easier if I just hadn't known and was able to move on before finding out. To be honest, I wouldn't look until you wake up one day and realize you can't remember the last time you thought about them. If you can look at them kissing their SO and feel genuine happiness for them, then you know you've waited the right amount of time.

 

If you do look, think about what you are going to see. You're going to see them happy. Nobody posts "Hey here's a picture of me arguing with my rebound about pictures of my ex in my phone" or "Hey I'm just using this person to move on from someone I actually cared about." They're posting something with you in the back of their mind, hoping you see it. Every situation is obviously different. There are some heartless pieces of **** out there who don't care.

 

I'm certainly not a physicist but Shrodinger's Cat is very applicable here. If you don't open the box, you can't know if it's alive or dead. Cling to that ambiguity. It will get better with time and patience.

[clist8511]

It's been an interesting week.

 

Things at uni are really taking off... I'm now part of a friendship group which is something I would never have visualised for myself. It feels nice.

 

I have a crush on someone at uni - I have no real intentions to take it further, but I do look at her and feel a mixture of excitement and loads of other things. It's made me realise and reflect that my previous partner was awful for me. I didn't feel the same excitement that I do when I'm even just sitting next to this girl. That alone to me says a lot... I've invited her for a coffee next week, as friends. Lol.

 

I also decided to download Instagram. I've been avoiding it for a long time. My ex is on there, and that's the only way I can contact her. I was so weak that I wasn't even able to download the app without feeling like I needed to message her. But I've decided to get it. I feel stronger. I was on Instagram way before she was, anyway. She doesn't own it, and I'm not letting her dictate how I live my life.

[Beachead]

I think ambiguity is good and would suggest sticking to no contact until you know it won't hurt you. Maybe for some it helps, but on days you're down are you really going to want to be thinking about how she's with someone else? You will move on regardless of whether you know they have a significant other or not as long as you give it time. I always have to remind myself that if my need to look is still there in a week, I can look then.

 

I learned of my first ex cheating on me shortly after the breakup (eventually found out she had another boyfriend for a while over distance). I think it would have been a lot easier if I just hadn't known and was able to move on before finding out. To be honest, I wouldn't look until you wake up one day and realize you can't remember the last time you thought about them. If you can look at them kissing their SO and feel genuine happiness for them, then you know you've waited the right amount of time.

 

If you do look, think about what you are going to see. You're going to see them happy. Nobody posts "Hey here's a picture of me arguing with my rebound about pictures of my ex in my phone" or "Hey I'm just using this person to move on from someone I actually cared about." They're posting something with you in the back of their mind, hoping you see it. Every situation is obviously different. There are some heartless pieces of **** out there who don't care.

 

I'm certainly not a physicist but Shrodinger's Cat is very applicable here. If you don't open the box, you can't know if it's alive or dead. Cling to that ambiguity. It will get better with time and patience.

 

Well said. I simply know myself is all which is why my way worked or me.

 

In my situation, I blocked them with the intention of never unblocking them again. I knew I wasn't over her even though she was over me. I knew I was blocking to hide so that I didn't have to see things online that would trigger my anxiety and my pain and make my already unstable emotions at the time blow up into me doing something embarrassing. But I also knew it would allow me to get over the initial shock and gain some clarity about what went down with me and her within the first 3 months. That was absolutely crucial.

 

As time went on and my hope started to die, I also started to fall into a hard depression and there was this frustrating inability to move forward because of the ambiguity. I didn't want to end up being 1 year in, suffering still. So then, unblocking her became not about wanting to contact her, but wanting to affirm it was over so that I could move forward. It was for me. I fully agree that social media is a false representation of reality 100% but even so, that picture was enough to kick start me out of my depression. The only reason I felt it worked was because I was at the stage that allowed me to accept visual proof of what I feared and ran from. If I did this in the first 3 months, I would have probably relapsed and contacted her.

 

Now 7 months in, if I see a picture of them, it barely shocks me at all. Am I fully over her? No. But, I have also progressed to a point where I no longer require to block her. I can concentrate on my studies, focus on work, I go to the gym, I socialize. I even went out to a bar last night and caught myself feeling attracted to other women. My life is okay.

 

For the future, I see myself blocking her again, but the difference will be when it happens by then, it will not be because I am hiding, it will be because I am letting go finally and I know in my heart I won't ever come back again.

 

So for me, I tailored my healing strategy. I used NC as a tool. I didn't use it as an end-all, be-all. Others may benefit from NC forever. Or, they may be like me in their particular situation and also benefit from multiple strategies. Basically, know yourself, be real with yourself, and it should always be for you. It should never be to win them back.

 

- B

Edited March 3, 2018 by Beachead

[Realitysux]

I am feeling completely over him and ready to move on. I don't agree with his behavior, nor do I wan to flatter him, but I'm glad I went thru what I did. I needed to in order to get to where I am today and that is clarity as to what I want out of life and who I want in it. I realize how lucky I am to have some people in my life and will most likely not take them for granted after my experience. I am also able to make better choices now and realize when someone's not right for me and let them go.

[Mac0908]

As each week goes by I feel like I have made a little bit of progress overall, but that still doesn't change the fact that I feel significant pain inside. It's also hard when its the winter and there isn't much going on at all to distract me. That, and the fact that 90% of my friends are married.

 

The good news is I feel like I've reached a point where I've finally gotten over the devastation of what actually happened, and now am at a stage where I'm fighting off the very small amount of false "hope" that is lingering in my brain that she will reach out and apologize, therefore pushing me towards the finish line of healing. Sadly I know that's very unlikely and I will be forced to soon accept that, but for now I don't think it's the end of the world to have this thought here and there. This too shall pass, I hope.

[Mac0908]

I didn't want to end up being 1 year in, suffering still. So then, unblocking her became not about wanting to contact her, but wanting to affirm it was over so that I could move forward. It was for me. I fully agree that social media is a false representation of reality 100% but even so, that picture was enough to kick start me out of my depression. The only reason I felt it worked was because I was at the stage that allowed me to accept visual proof of what I feared and ran from. If I did this in the first 3 months, I would have probably relapsed and contacted her.

 

Now 7 months in, if I see a picture of them, it barely shocks me at all. Am I fully over her? No. But, I have also progressed to a point where I no longer require to block her. I can concentrate on my studies, focus on work, I go to the gym, I socialize. I even went out to a bar last night and caught myself feeling attracted to other women. My life is okay.

 

For the future, I see myself blocking her again, but the difference will be when it happens by then, it will not be because I am hiding, it will be because I am letting go finally and I know in my heart I won't ever come back again.

 

So for me, I tailored my healing strategy. I used NC as a tool. I didn't use it as an end-all, be-all. Others may benefit from NC forever. Or, they may be like me in their particular situation and also benefit from multiple strategies. Basically, know yourself, be real with yourself, and it should always be for you. It should never be to win them back.

 

- B

I feel like the coping/healing process always has a turning point somewhere along the lines. It might not be a specific event, but it could also be a small phase where it just hits you that you're finally moving on. You were in the darkest corner of your depression and could basically go no lower, so you had to look at some desperate possibilities to break it, and looking at that photo was it. As you said, it helped you get to the acceptance stage.

 

However in MOST situations, its always better to simply not look. Seeing an ex with a new lover is almost always grounds for a terrible trigger. But your particular situation was unique where you already knew the ex was a huge part of the story and you already knew she would likely still be with him. That being said I'm curious, let's say there was no ex all along and this was just a regular breakup over some other bs reason, nothing your fault, and you went to her page and saw her with a new random guy, how do you think that would make you feel?

Edited March 4, 2018 by Mac0908

[Realitysux]

I am getting together with an old friend next weekend. He lives out of town so will be driving down to show me how to use my deep fryer and we are going to deep fry squid. we will probably go out and do things around town so that should be fun. I am looking forward to hanging out with him without the dark cloud hanging over me.

[clist8511]

It’s interesting. Looking back on my relationship and thinking about the concept of ‘love’, I don’t think I loved her, and I don’t think she loved me.

 

She couldn’t have truly loved me. From all of the research and things I’ve learnt about abuse, NPD abuse, BPD abuse and cluster B personality types it just seems as if she wanted a tool to project her insecurities onto. I didn’t feel loved. I felt controlled. I felt as if she was my parent, someone that I wasn’t supposed to make angry, to let down, to annoy. When she did become annoyed I felt as if I’d failed and would work hard to fix it, even if this meant my mental health would get destroyed in the process. Is that love? To me, it isn’t. If I were loved, I wouldn’t have been made to feel that way.

 

Did I love her? Initially, I felt attraction, excitement. But it morphed into fear, obligation, guilt, attachment, and trauma bonding. I didn’t love her. I could have, had things not descended into abuse. But I didn’t love her. I was attached because of the way the abuse had hooked me in. I didn’t feel happy to see her; I hated talking to her on the phone and in messages. I felt anxious when she went home because I knew the abuse would start again… I felt uneasy being around her, most of the time. That’s not love.

 

I have no desire to talk to her. I didn’t think I’d reach this stage. I would never grant her access to my life ever again. She doesn’t deserve anything from me. To hurt me in such intense ways, to destroy me in the way she did – for her to KNOW she was destroying me and to escalate it in the way she did. That is not someone I’d want to reconnect with, to be friends with, anything.

 

I realise that I don’t feel anything for her anymore. What I’m dealing with now is perhaps just residual pain from the trauma and fears about my future, but she is no longer someone I care about.

[Beachead]

I feel like the coping/healing process always has a turning point somewhere along the lines. It might not be a specific event, but it could also be a small phase where it just hits you that you're finally moving on. You were in the darkest corner of your depression and could basically go no lower, so you had to look at some desperate possibilities to break it, and looking at that photo was it. As you said, it helped you get to the acceptance stage.

 

However in MOST situations, its always better to simply not look. Seeing an ex with a new lover is almost always grounds for a terrible trigger. But your particular situation was unique where you already knew the ex was a huge part of the story and you already knew she would likely still be with him. That being said I'm curious, let's say there was no ex all along and this was just a regular breakup over some other bs reason, nothing your fault, and you went to her page and saw her with a new random guy, how do you think that would make you feel?

 

In this case, it would have broke me and I know that about myself which is why I would block them off of everything and leave them blocked.

 

But just for anyone here who's reading this, I'll tell you how I'd handle a situation like this as who I am now.

 

Firstly, in the relationship I'd give my all because if it ends, I atleast know it wasn't because I didn't try hard enough. I did my best and there's nothing more I could have done. This way, even if they blame me for something, I know there was nothing I could have done anyway. That will make a big difference 4 months later after breaking up when I haven't heard from them and I start to think about what went wrong in the relationship. My guilt will be minimal. Guilt/regret can make us weak and bring us back to our ex and we want to minimize the likelihood of that happening.

 

The moment we breakup and the week following the breakup, I would put all my resolve into keeping cool and would make sure I tell my ex that I respect their decision and will wish them well. That is a absolute must. Because down the road, months later, I know one of the things I'd think about amongst the many would be how I behaved when we broke up. Again, if I behaved in an ugly manner, it will make me regret/feel guilt this will likely cause me to break contact and apologize. My goal is to be as smooth as I can be at the end no matter how much pain/anger I feel because I want to minimize thoughts that might bring me back.

 

I would block them off of everything and in this case would not unblock them again. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Whatsapp. Whatever it is where I can see a picture of them..they're off of it. The only line of communication they would have is my phone number and my email. I would have their number/email written down somewhere but I would delete it off of my phone (I'm not ready to throw it away yet but one day I may be.) This way whenever I have to look at my phone to dial a number, I won't notice their name in my contacts. Nor will I see any pictures or updates because they are blocked so they will be out of sight-out of mind. At the same time, I know they will have a way to reach me. If they erase my number or changed their number, they still have my email. If they are desperate enough, they'll use it. So I also know that if I don't hear from them, it's because they choose not to reach out..for a good reason. I on the other hand will never reach out. I may/may not respond to a breadcrumb depending on what kind of reach out it is. If I reach out, what I say to them depends. So that's on a case by case basis.

 

That's how I would generally handle a traditional breakup where I was dumped.

Edited March 4, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

I feel like the coping/healing process always has a turning point somewhere along the lines. It might not be a specific event, but it could also be a small phase where it just hits you that you're finally moving on. You were in the darkest corner of your depression and could basically go no lower, so you had to look at some desperate possibilities to break it, and looking at that photo was it. As you said, it helped you get to the acceptance stage.

 

However in MOST situations, its always better to simply not look. Seeing an ex with a new lover is almost always grounds for a terrible trigger. But your particular situation was unique where you already knew the ex was a huge part of the story and you already knew she would likely still be with him. That being said I'm curious, let's say there was no ex all along and this was just a regular breakup over some other bs reason, nothing your fault, and you went to her page and saw her with a new random guy, how do you think that would make you feel?

 

That's exactly it. I did what I had to do to get the job done. But it's worth noting I also knew myself so I was never caught off guard by a sudden surprising stack of feelings. I anticipated everything, even the coming of my depression in months 3-4.

 

And that's why introspection is so important. Especially during these times. Because in our toughest moments lies the most opportunity to learn about ourselves and grow from it. In the future, should something happen where you are dumped again, you already have a step up in knowing your process. That's less variables to deal with. If you understand yourself, you will know what steps need to be taken in order to heal yourself as quickly as possible.

 

-B

[clist8511]

However in MOST situations, its always better to simply not look. Seeing an ex with a new lover is almost always grounds for a terrible trigger.

 

This is interesting. For me personally, I struggled with ambiguity a lot. I would often reason that it would be better to get in contact and find out if she was with someone - even if it hurt, I could use that to move forwards.

 

But I agree that it's better not to look. It can lead to dangerous comparisons. You may feel as if it's unfair that they've met someone else before you have - you may feel like there's something wrong with you, or that this person is in some way better than you. You may even end up driving yourself insane trying to work out the dates between you and this new person. It just adds more to the pain you're already dealing with.

 

Sometimes I do want to know whether my ex has moved on, when she moved on, who is the person... etc. But really and truly I know this is not helpful for my mind and to be honest, I don't really care. It has nothing to do with how I'm going to move forward from our relationship.

[Mac0908]

The moment we breakup and the week following the breakup, I would put all my resolve into keeping cool and would make sure I tell my ex that I respect their decision and will wish them well. That is a absolute must. Because down the road, months later, I know one of the things I'd think about amongst the many would be how I behaved when we broke up. Again, if I behaved in an ugly manner, it will make me regret/feel guilt this will likely cause me to break contact and apologize. My goal is to be as smooth as I can be at the end no matter how much pain/anger I feel because I want to minimize thoughts that might bring me back.

 

This really kind of hit home with me bc as you know, even though I treated the girl I was with like gold (not like a loser would, but a gentleman), and she appreciated it everyday, and I have NO regrets about how I handled our 2 months, it was the breakup that I'm still having that bit of regret about. I acted in a weak way. Not a crazy/psychopathic way, but just not the right way.

 

Yes she blindsided me with the blowoff and leaving for the ex and yes it was terrible and even unacceptable for how she handled everything, but the absolute best way for me to have handled it would have been to keep cool as you said and walk away. Call me if it doesn't work out. Project my emotions onto something else.

 

Instead, I started in with the texts and then enabled her push/pull behavior for 2 weeks, the beginning of which saw me show much frustration. Was I justified? Yes. But I still had the option to just walk away. All I had to do (and of course I found this all out AFTER the fact) would be to be strong, be a man, and walk away and never look back. She would have seen this and probably missed me and came back in a real way after she got rid of her ex. Instead she went back to online dating. She said she'd feel too much pressure and she would be scared of hurting me again. Was she troubled anyway? Absolutely. Insecure and immature? Absolutely. Re-read my thread if you must.

 

But she was never a flat out b-tch. Sometimes I wish she was...

Edited March 4, 2018 by Mac0908

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

However in MOST situations, its always better to simply not look. Seeing an ex with a new lover is almost always grounds for a terrible trigger.

 

I think I'll find it very hurtful when it happens (and that's the next step in the process for me) Hopefully i'll be completely over it by then. I'm pretty sure my Ex had started hanging around a bad crowd(Although i've heard this may of changed. Something happened...)

 

If she it turns out to be one of them. I know me... And my watch is coming off, I'm handing my phone and wallet to someone. And i'm swinging for the fences.

 

Our mutual friend told me she hasn't seen or heard she is with anyone. Which surprises me. I thought she would of by now.

[drakon12]

Some suggestions for you guys:

 

1- No More Mr Nice Guy! by Robert Glover (for guys, not sure if women can relate)

2- It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt (audiobook version)

3- Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

 

Those helped me a lot. Wish you luck, hang in there.

[Beachead]

This really kind of hit home with me bc as you know, even though I treated the girl I was with like gold (not like a loser would, but a gentleman), and she appreciated it everyday, and I have NO regrets about how I handled our 2 months, it was the breakup that I'm still having that bit of regret about. I acted in a weak way. Not a crazy/psychopathic way, but just not the right way.

 

Yes she blindsided me with the blowoff and leaving for the ex and yes it was terrible and even unacceptable for how she handled everything, but the absolute best way for me to have handled it would have been to keep cool as you said and walk away. Call me if it doesn't work out. Project my emotions onto something else.

 

Instead, I started in with the texts and then enabled her push/pull behavior for 2 weeks, the beginning of which saw me show much frustration. Was I justified? Yes. But I still had the option to just walk away. All I had to do (and of course I found this all out AFTER the fact) would be to be strong, be a man, and walk away and never look back. She would have seen this and probably missed me and came back in a real way after she got rid of her ex. Instead she went back to online dating. She said she'd feel too much pressure and she would be scared of hurting me again. Was she troubled anyway? Absolutely. Insecure and immature? Absolutely. Re-read my thread if you must.

 

But she was never a flat out b-tch. Sometimes I wish she was...

 

You're bargaining with yourself to cope. "If I had acted the right way..maybe she'd come back." That's not being fair to yourself because you're human. You react. You're not perfect. Neither was she. In the future with someone new, you would again have to play it by ear. Prior experiences would have to be drawn from very lightly to show respect for the individual/uniqueness of each situation.

 

I do get why you are feeling that way though as we all blame ourselves..grief.

 

This wasn't about you or your behavior. If you walked away earlier, perhaps you'd sit there wondering if you gave up too easily. Maybe that would bother you instead. When we are confronted by the possibility of finding lifetime love, we tend to stretch our patience/understanding a bit further because we don't want to risk losing something that great on our account. Like I said, regret/guilt..it is powerful. Hence, you stayed a bit longer to see because she was worth it. If you ask me, I'd say you did exactly what you were supposed to do, given the moment.

 

This was about her and solely on her. She lied to herself and to you and it blew up in her face as lies often do. Because of that, the relationship was on its way to the end no matter how perfect you could have been to her.

 

- B

Edited March 4, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

I doubt very much it was about you or your behavior. If you walked away earlier, perhaps you'd sit there wondering if you gave up too easily. Maybe that would bother you instead. When we are confronted by the possibility of finding lifetime love, we tend to stretch our patience/understanding a bit further because we don't want to risk losing that on our account. Hence, you stayed a bit longer to see because she was worth it. I think you did exactly what you were supposed to do, given the moment.

 

This was solely about her. She lied to herself and to you and it blew up in her face as lies often do. Lies die. Truth shines through. Because of that, the relationship was on its way to the end no matter how perfect you could have been to her.

 

- B

 

Thanks. Good words. Deep down(not even that deep to be honest) I know I didn't do anything "Bad" at all post blowoff. I was blindsided on an almost unheard of extreme level and even though it wasn't the perfect way to handle things, I was justified in being emotional. To be honest, I actually think I held things down fairly well. Never used a curse word, never put her down, never actually yelled at her, etc. And the truth is towards the end I did back off, pretty well, and she still never came back. The "damage" may have been done by me, but she still chose to go back to online dating of all wonderful places. It hurt. I've made some peace with myself with the idea that "I may not have handled things right, but I didn't handle them wrong either".

 

And yes, she did lie, she did create this mess to start with, and it did blow up directly in her face. I did NOTHING wrong in the time spent dating her and I'll always have that peace of mind. I was an amazing guy that she told me many times before and after the blowoff. That all being said, it's still just hard when you're talking about feelings that were on the highest of all levels when I was with her. I guess its mostly just hard to think back now how someone who almost finally felt like "The one" could turn into such a disaster basically overnight. I am 33 after all and I've been through enough. I'm sure you of all people could understand how having small bit of "hope" left sounds normal.

 

Not that I am sitting here wondering day in and day out and certainly not that I have anything above maybe 1% of hope in my mind as I push towards acceptance, but, given the situation, where I did absolutely nothing wrong to her, treated her well, and she was at fault for everything 100%, do you personally think she will ever have regret over time and reach back out and/or apologize?

Edited March 4, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

Thanks. Good words. Deep down(not even that deep to be honest) I know I didn't do anything "Bad" at all post blowoff. I was blindsided on an almost unheard of extreme level and even though it wasn't the perfect way to handle things, I was justified in being emotional. To be honest, I actually think I held things down fairly well. Never used a curse word, never put her down, never actually yelled at her, etc. And the truth is towards the end I did back off, pretty well, and she still never came back. I've made some peace with myself with the idea that "I may not have handled things right, but I didn't handle them wrong either".

 

And yes, she did lie, she did create this mess to start with, and it did blow up directly in her face. I did NOTHING wrong in the time spent dating her and I'll always have that peace of mind. I was an amazing guy that she told me many times before and after the blowoff. That all being said, it's still just hard when you're talking about feelings that were on the highest of all levels when I was with her. I guess its mostly just hard to think back now how someone who almost finally felt like "The one" could turn into such a disaster basically overnight. I am 33 after all and I've been through enough. I'm sure you of all people could understand how having small bit of "hope" left sounds normal.

 

Not that I am sitting here wondering day in and day out and certainly not that I hope anything above maybe 1% of hope in my mind as I push towards acceptance, but, given the situation, where I did absolutely nothing wrong to her, treated her well, and she was at fault for everything 100%, do you personally think she will ever have regret for taking off and reach back out and/or apologize?

 

I actually was loved bombed by my previous ex also. She ruined me real badly because of it. She did apologize a year later. She'd also contact me every few months. It was not fun. I was weak. I loved her. I responded. I would finally start to move on and the then get sucked back into the pain everytime. And it made killing the hope I had for us to be together again so difficult that it dragged out over 2 years. She told me at point, thing would trigger memories of me. A conversation with her friends about why she was alone for example.

 

My ex before her also contacted me post-breakup.

 

There was a friend I had a thing for for a very long time. 7-8 years worth of memories. We were there for one another but she wasn't all that good to me. Long story short, by the end, I was tired of all the bs from her and myself and one day I came clean about my feelings. She reacted terribly. Made me feel terrible with a lot of judgemental words. It also confirmed what kind of a person she was. She blocked me on instagram also. But 9 months later, she reached out to me telling me how she bumped into my family at an event. By then I had moved on and didn't care anymore. I never responded to her and never thought about that text again because I knew her and knew it was all a bait and switch with her.

 

That's how it is with exes or ex friends or whatever. They may think about you everyday because of guilt/fear/doubt until they break and reach out. With exes, they may just bury the thought of you into the back of their mind, usually by dating someone else, and then something in their life might trigger a memory of you and make them weak and in that momentary weakness, they message. Followed by them kicking themselves for doing it. Or if they are strong enough, you will be a passing thought they do nothing about.

 

These are just a few examples of people coming back.

 

I can promise you she will think about you. That is guaranteed. Now, whether those thoughts manifest itself into her reaching out is a different story. She may or she may not. Nobody can say for sure. That will solely depend on her and only time will tell.

 

- B

Edited March 4, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

I actually was loved bombed by my previous ex also. She ruined me real badly because of it. She did apologize a year later. She'd also contact me every few months. It was not fun. I was weak. I loved her. I responded. I would finally start to move on and the then get sucked back into the pain everytime. And it made killing the hope I had for us to be together again so difficult that it dragged out over 2 years. She told me at point, thing would trigger memories of me. A conversation with her friends about why she was alone for example.

 

My ex before her also contacted me post-breakup.

 

There was a friend I had a thing for for a very long time. 7-8 years worth of memories. We were there for one another but she wasn't all that good to me. Long story short, by the end, I was tired of all the bs from her and myself and one day I came clean about my feelings. She reacted terribly. Made me feel terrible with a lot of judgemental words. It also confirmed what kind of a person she was. She blocked me on instagram also. But 9 months later, she reached out to me telling me how she bumped into my family at an event. By then I had moved on and didn't care anymore. I never responded to her and never thought about that text again because I knew her and knew it was all a bait and switch with her.

 

That's how it is with exes or ex friends or whatever. They may think about you everyday because of guilt/fear/doubt until they break and reach out. With exes, they may just bury the thought of you into the back of their mind, usually by dating someone else, and then something in their life might trigger a memory of you and make them weak and in that momentary weakness, they message. Followed by them kicking themselves for doing it. Or if they are strong enough, you will be a passing thought they do nothing about.

 

These are just a few examples of people coming back.

 

I can promise you she will think about you. That is guaranteed. Now, whether those thoughts manifest itself into her reaching out is a different story. She may or she may not. Nobody can say for sure. That will solely depend on her and only time will tell.

 

- B

 

I feel like in my case, bc it ended kind of badly at the end, with me subsequently (and really, justifiably) deleting her from social media, "unfortunately" its rather unlikely she would ever reach out even if she wanted to. She probably thinks I hate her, which truth be told isn't too unrealistic after what she did at the very end if you recall (posting the photo on social media without any consideration of what my feelings might have been). As wrong as that was, girls can be very impulsive creatures. I should have just left it alone, but instead I spoke up and texted her showing her I was pissed.

 

Oh well though. What's done is done. She knows what she did. Only time will tell. In the meantime I'm continuing to move on. Got 2 dates this week coming up.

[Beachead]

Some suggestions for you guys:

 

1- No More Mr Nice Guy! by Robert Glover (for guys, not sure if women can relate)

2- It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken by Greg Behrendt (audiobook version)

3- Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

 

Those helped me a lot. Wish you luck, hang in there.

 

I appreciate that Drakon12. Thanks. I'm going to check out the others.

 

I have a copy of "Breakup becaues its broken" and I can vouch for it. Good read.

[NomiMalone]

Well tomorrow is the day I move into my new place and it makes me so sad. It really is a beautiful apartment and I'm sure in time I'll fall in love with it. But right now all it represents is the finality of our break up, and how alone I am now in this world. Right now I don't see how things could get any better, or when I would feel any better.

 

I'm going on dates and sleeping with another guy. But it all just seems so lacklustre compared to what he and I had.

 

For a long time, before all his problems from the past had caught up with him, back in the days when he was happy, what we had was truly great. I'm so afraid that one day those memories would fade, because now they are all I have.

[Broken183]

It was nice enough last week to finally go for a run, and I got up the courage to run in his neighborhood. But of course, when I finally feel better, I see him from across the street. And so I cry all the way home.

 

I'm sick of all the dating games men play. And it's making me miss him. And I don't want to. I'm just never going to find anyone and I wish I could go back in time.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Really struggling atm. It hits in waves and catches me off guard. But the urge to reach out is strong. And its getting me down.

 

It will be four months in a week or so time. Apart from talking for all of five minutes face to face. Its been zero contact.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I still have her number, plus email, Photos/cards and mementos. Its getting to that time where i need to get rid of it all...

 

Has everybody else done that? I can't decided whether its the right thing to do or not? X

[Beachead]

Really struggling atm. It hits in waves and catches me off guard. But the urge to reach out is strong. And its getting me down.

 

It will be four months in a week or so time. Apart from talking for all of five minutes face to face. Its been zero contact.

 

Which brings me to my next point. I still have her number, plus email, Photos/cards and mementos. Its getting to that time where i need to get rid of it all...

 

Has everybody else done that? I can't decided whether its the right thing to do or not? X

 

I did. I actually deleted all photos the night my ex told she was going back to her ex and then I tossed all the gifts about a month afterwards when I felt ready. It was the right thing to do for me. Either I keep it all and let it haunt me everyday or I remove it from my life so that I could move on. I'll tell you this much..I wasn't planning to spend my 30's broken over someone like I had been in my 20's.

 

My ex chose to do what was best for her and I had to do what was best for me and that's fine. We both have a right to better our lives; even if that means leaving eachother. If she cares about me keeping the stuff, then she should have stayed. But she didn't..and that was the day her influence in my life ended.

 

As I've gotten older, I have learned my time and well-being is priority. Time is limited and I have to allocate it to people who care about me and my well-being is precious because without that, I am of no use to myself or anyone else and will not make it in the world.

 

- Beach

Edited March 5, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

I came to the realization as of just today that I think one of the MAIN reasons I have found it so very hard to get over this is bc unlike I'd say 95% of breakups, my breakup, or my "blowoff" really, had absolutely nothing to do with problems, arguments, or any other issues between me and her.

 

As far as the two of us were concerned while we dated, we were simply two individuals very much attracted to one another that had nice conversations, good laughs, amazing sex, and much more, albeit in a short period of time. We were building something nice and there wasn't a single solitary blip on the radar. She left me for an ex that came back to HER that she wasn't over and wanted to give it another shot. Likely nothing I could have done in just 2 months could have beaten out strong history of a year and a half and I understood that.

 

It's just such a hard pill to swallow, knowing someone is out there that you're not only insanely attracted to, but had an amazing time with. I did see a whole other side of her after the blowoff with her return and subsequent push/pull games of course, but it was really just extreme immaturity and was never anything malicious. Not putting her in a positive light, just saying that the good memories still outweigh the bad for me.

 

Bottom line, we never got to have our day, and the worst part is that it was not brought to a stop by any issues me and her had (which would have made this all feel more justified), but instead by a third party, an ex boyfriend, and I think that's what eating me the most. Had we had blowout fights like me and my ex years ago did, I think acceptance would be coming a lot easier like it did for me then.

Edited March 5, 2018 by Mac0908