How are you coping today?

[NomiMalone]

Week 6

 

It astounds, saddens and frustrates me to no end that he's completely delusional as to why I left. He's refusing to accept my reasons for why things ended, refusing to take an ounce of responsibility for my emotional welfare (as he had done throughout our entire relationship), and, very oddly, but not surprisingly, has even gone as far as to accuse me of lying about my reasons for leaving, and said he "expected better from me".

 

My mind boggles as to how a man so charming, confident and socially connected can be so utterly lacking in emotional intelligence at the same time.

 

It makes me so sad that I've hurt him in leaving, but he has also hurt me in doing the things he did during our relationship, and even more so by not only refusing to listen to me when I attempted to raise the issues, but by dismissing the issues as trivial, and angrily and irrationally turning them back onto me.

 

I'm so sad that what could've been an amicably split has turned into us being not on speaking terms (on his part), and me becoming, in his eyes, a complete monster.

Edited February 26, 2018 by NomiMalone

[Realitysux]

I never thought I'd reach this point but he is becoming a distant memory and there is almost no emotional feelings behind his memory. I realized today that I am bored and I would normally never be bored because I would think about him. The thought of him is no longer cutting it as I am looking for other things to fill my time with. I would never take him back in my life after what he did to me, I am ready to move on. Who knows, maybe in a few months after I settle into a new job, I may look into a date here and there. I don't think I'll jump into a relationship with the first man I meet.

[anonymousbear00101100]

She reached out to me last night. She sent a very long, formal text asking me to send her a few things she "forgot" (none of the things are even here). I replied with "sure". Thought that was the end of it but then she asked what else she forgot and I said I'd check when I was home. I could tell that upset her (it was close to midnight) because she didn't reply. When I got home I sent her a list of things I had of hers and still haven't heard back.

 

Really upset that she messaged me. I had been having a great day and have been pretty down ever since. Not really sure why two months after she left she's just now asking me to send her headphones. I'm some combination of angry, sad and confused.

[Beachead]

She reached out to me last night. She sent a very long, formal text asking me to send her a few things she "forgot" (none of the things are even here). I replied with "sure". Thought that was the end of it but then she asked what else she forgot and I said I'd check when I was home. I could tell that upset her (it was close to midnight) because she didn't reply. When I got home I sent her a list of things I had of hers and still haven't heard back.

 

Really upset that she messaged me. I had been having a great day and have been pretty down ever since. Not really sure why two months after she left she's just now asking me to send her headphones. I'm some combination of angry, sad and confused.

 

 

I rarely give dumpers the benefit of the doubt anymore because of the overwhelming evidence of them doing things like this..apart from the odd person who actually shows the respect and stays away.

 

So based on my biased attitude, I'll proceed with this..

 

If the stuff was that important to her, she would have asked for it immediately following the break-up. Being it is 2 months later suggests it was a self-serving test to determine your current state-of-mind and to retrieve some of that power she's lost over you because you've been so diligent with the NC. And now you're a bit messed up over her because she didn't respond which gets your mind focused on her. And that's what many of them want. They want you hooked. Don't cave or break or lose your mind. Stay cool.

 

You did good with the short replies in my opinion. If she wants anything more, it'll take more than this to get you.

Edited February 27, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

The first half of today was probably one of the toughest periods of time I've felt in the past few months. I felt this temptation to reach out to her again and just give up all my hardwork to tell her I missed her and wante to still talk. I don't know what triggered it, but it reminded me of how helpless heartbreak could feel.

 

What got me out of it was firstly realizing even if we tried to be friends, it couldn't happen. She's with her ex, and that guy would never be cool with me being around. Neither would she. The friendship would not be genuine.

 

Secondly, it was realizing my messaging her was simply for me. It wasn't for her. Because in that moment, I felt I couldn't be without her. But she's fine without me. She's happy. And she has a right to enjoy her life despite her wrong doings. Me coming in there and rocking her life up is selfish.

 

I've noted it's the first time I felt compassion for her since the breakup. That is huge.

 

And the final thought was receiving a message from my friend after a few months of not hearing from him today. It made me realize, if a friend can remember me in all that time, surely an ex who shared intimate moments and far more experiences would also. Even despite the no contact. Even if they don't reach out..passing thoughts do happen. We let our wounded egos sometimes deceive us into thinking they're superhuman. Like they can move on and forget so easily. It's false. They simply displace their emotions or thoughts.

 

There's no advice in this post but perhaps it may be of some use to you guys.

 

-B

Edited February 27, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

I wanted to quickly talk about the difference between regular "heartbreak" after a relationship goes sour or you have seen it coming for months, and more horrific situations where someone is completely blindsided and your heart ends up being sliced up into pieces (yes, this was me.)

 

This was the first time in my life I've ever experienced REAL pain from a woman. I've been broken up with before, broken up with girls before, but never once came close to what this was. In a nutshell I was completely and utterly blindsided by a girl who lied about having a long term ex, and after an amazing and convincing 2 months with me filled with all sorts of serious stuff, she went back to him one day. Then immediately afterwards she would come back to me, only to play push/pull with me for a few weeks before going back to online dating which I realized hurt me even more.

 

This entire disaster of an event in my life proved to me that mental health can be a truly scary thing and its completely necessary to try and fix it. I'm just glad that I've made enough progress on here and many other places (i.e. talking to friends and family) to where I can absolutely see a small light at the end of the tunnel.

Edited February 27, 2018 by Mac0908

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

I'm struggling with not reaching out. The crazy thing is I miss the person "I thought she was" Struggling to understand she is not that, she's who she is now. It's learning to let go of someone that doesn't exist. Which is why i think the process is so hard.

 

Seeing a mutual friend tomorrow for coffee. Going to straight up tell her i don't want to know anything about my EX Even if it's very tempting. Still feel strange finding out what i found out last time.

 

Hope everyone is good? x

Edited February 27, 2018 by hurtsbadjusthurts

[anonymousbear00101100]

She didn't message me all day. I just wanted to get it over with so I asked her what she wanted me to send.

 

I asked if that's really the only thing she wanted to talk about. Then she turned it on me and asked if I had anything to say. I briefly told her about how my friends are moving to her city and I had the opportunity to come, but I'm leaving the country instead. I had been planning to tell her eventually because I figured she deserved to know (I'd want to know if she was moving out of the country).

 

The whole conversation was brief -- less than ten texts -- but she was weirdly distant. Our breakup was mutual. We told each other we both would always care for each other and I could tell she was being genuine when she said that. But it was clear she wasn't interested in talking after I told her about my plans to move.

 

Obviously we are broken up and she doesn't owe me a conversation. I'm just so confused as to why she reached out asking me to send something I'd never seen her use during our entire relationship (and that I didn't even have). I thought she wanted to talk but I guess not. Last week I had an epiphany about her treatment of me and that I deserve better, but now all of that positivity is gone. I really, really wish she hadn't messaged me.

[Beachead]

She didn't message me all day. I just wanted to get it over with so I asked her what she wanted me to send.

 

I asked if that's really the only thing she wanted to talk about. Then she turned it on me and asked if I had anything to say. I briefly told her about how my friends are moving to her city and I had the opportunity to come, but I'm leaving the country instead. I had been planning to tell her eventually because I figured she deserved to know (I'd want to know if she was moving out of the country).

 

The whole conversation was brief -- less than ten texts -- but she was weirdly distant. Our breakup was mutual. We told each other we both would always care for each other and I could tell she was being genuine when she said that. But it was clear she wasn't interested in talking after I told her about my plans to move.

 

Obviously we are broken up and she doesn't owe me a conversation. I'm just so confused as to why she reached out asking me to send something I'd never seen her use during our entire relationship (and that I didn't even have). I thought she wanted to talk but I guess not. Last week I had an epiphany about her treatment of me and that I deserve better, but now all of that positivity is gone. I really, really wish she hadn't messaged me.

 

Because it wasn't about the stuff. It was about her feeling separation anxiety because of how well you've been doing with distance. She hadn't heard from you in awhile. Perhaps missed you or wondered what you were up to (Though that doesn't mean she wanted a relationship again) and needed to soothe her curiousity and wounded ego. So she came up with a reason to reach out. Once you gave her what she wanted which was a response, she had her fill and felt better. Your use was complete. All at the expense of your well-being.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Because it wasn't about the stuff. It was about her feeling separation anxiety because of how well you've been doing with distance. She hadn't heard from you in awhile. Perhaps missed you or wondered what you were up to (Though that doesn't mean she wanted a relationship again) and needed to soothe her curiousity and wounded ego. So she came up with a reason to reach out. Once you gave her what she wanted which was a response, she had her fill and felt better. Your use was complete. All at the expense of your well-being.

 

This helped a lot. I've deleted the texts so I stop looking into it and can accept that it was just breadcrumbs. My first ex never left me any (which I found horribly offensive at the time) so I didn't even realize that's what this was.

 

She texted me again this morning asking if I'd sent the stuff. I'm not going to reply. I'll just send it at some point and she'll get her stuff when she gets it.

[greymatter]

I don't mean to butt in, but do exes like this deserve the consideration and care of having their things sent back at your emotional and monetary expense? Will it hurt you to go through with sending her things back? I don't know what is right for you and am just asking out of concern about the impact on you.

[Beachead]

This helped a lot. I've deleted the texts so I stop looking into it and can accept that it was just breadcrumbs. My first ex never left me any (which I found horribly offensive at the time) so I didn't even realize that's what this was.

 

She texted me again this morning asking if I'd sent the stuff. I'm not going to reply. I'll just send it at some point and she'll get her stuff when she gets it.

 

That's good rjblak13.

 

In post-breakup events, simplify.

 

Since it's generally hard to tell what's truly going on in their mind, don't bother. Just cut all the fluff out and observe their actions. It'll never fail you. In her particular case, she didn't really seem all that interested in carrying and maintaining a conversation with you; one word replies, taking a long time to respond. It's nonsense.

 

Recall someone who's interested in us. They are generally available. They are open in conversation and in planning and everything else. They care about what we think of them. They want to be as desirable to us as possible. So they make us feel like a flawless human being because they admire us, care for us. But someone who's not interested anymore no longer cares for that. They make us feel unimportant. It doesn't take much to piss them off. Everything we do is wrong. They're not available in any real sense. They're on and off, hot and cold and generally confusing.

 

All you have to figure out is which category their behavior fits into and proceed on that basis.

 

Do that, and you won't ever be confused again.

 

Cause if they wanted to be with us, they'd be with us..and that's all we really need to know when it comes to our exes.

 

Simplify.

 

-B

Edited February 28, 2018 by Beachead

[Young mind]

Had to take out some trash last weekend, opened up a cupboard only to find more than 100 bottles of alcohol I drank in the 2 months following my breakup.

As I threw them away, I could only smile and think how life could really throw you lemons

 

It's been about 6 mos, I still have some relapses of thoughts, but no pain, nothing, I only wish her well.

 

They were once close to us, shared our problems, we solved theirs, that love is still there and it's good to accept a broken ego but one thing for sure, we always emerge stronger from debris

[Mac0908]

Today has been exactly one month no contact, and while I am trying to move forward every single day, I can't help but wonder if she's had SOME kind of thoughts of me in a strong way in this last month. Would be hard to believe she didn't after what we "had", albeit a short period of time, but who knows. My stress level is still high but my overall progress continues to get better little by little. I had a relapse recently of looking at photos and made myself a promise NEVER again. I need to continue to find ways to move forward and view her in a negative light when she pops into my head but the good thoughts of her just can't seem to stop powering through seeing as I thought this person may have been something VERY special. Still a very difficult time for me. Hoping it gets better soon.

Edited February 28, 2018 by Mac0908

[divegrl]

My joy is in me again.

My spirit is filling up.

 

The sun does not shine on me, but in me.

 

Finding love again.

[tart6245]

I spent yesterday and today writing letters to my ex that I will never send, and filling out pages of all the bad things that happened during the time we were together and why I ultimately left her. While she has tried to convince me I am at fault for all her wrongs, I keep trying to remind myself that her actions and decisions, a suicide attempt used to manipulate me for which she blames me for not calling the cops to save her (I had in previous attempts and she was pulling a hoax), publicly posting that I left her to die and I beat her up in a parking lot, contacting all my ex girlfriends to warn them about me, and telling me for months that I was a vile human and how she was too good for me were NOT my fault were not justified considering my biggest fault was not taking her to a family wedding - which I regret, but her reaction to it was much worse. I go back and forth between taking her back and knowing I shouldn't. I need to be strong

[StrangerThanFiction]

Not great today. Slept really poorly last night. My heart won't slow down and I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack constantly. Have barely eaten anything in days so I'm shaky but the thought of food makes me ill.

 

I can't stop thinking about him and what he's doing or who he's sleeping with now. I can't stop thinking about the fact that he couldn't even tell me he cared about me which is a pretty good sign that he didn't. It hurts knowing that I wasn't good enough for someone again. I wasn't good enough for someone who I see now wasn't worth it. Why? Well let me count the ways. I need this for me:

 

•No job for quite some time now and doesn't seem inclined to really look for one.

•Spends most of his time and little money at a bar.

•Is always borrowing money from people so he can go to said bar.

•Doesn't seem interested in doing anything that doesn't involve alcohol or drugs.

•Does large quantities of cocaine on a regular basis.

•Lots of health issues due to his unhealthy lifestyle choices.

•Sleeps with a lot of women. Which, that in and of itself isn't really a big deal, I'm sex positive, but it becomes an issue when you're still doing it while in a relationship.

•Felt the need to always bring up his exes. Every day. To me. Unpack that baggage and move on or you will always repeat the same cycle of crappy relationships.

•His best friend warned me about him and to not get too attached because he can't be trusted. Huge waving red flag there.

•Fear of opening up emotionally. Well bucko, that's part of being in a healthy adult relationship. If you can't make yourself in some part vulnerable to the person your with you're wasting both of our time.

•Unable to have even the simplest of conversations about emotions or feelings. I get it, some people aren't good with that, but the least he could've done was try.

 

There's more I'm sure but that's just off the top of my head. I feel so weak for being so upset over this after reading that list but I'd like to think it's because I'm not a sociopath and I really put my all into making it work. And I did try. I tried to be supportive and understanding even when all I got was stonewalling or sarcastic comments or deflection. I need to get over this.

[maybejune]

After stopping writing for a month, I find I'd better continue writing it, because it helps me sort out my feelings and understands the triggers, eventually train my mind.

 

Anyway, I have been missing him a lot, that I went to the park he used to do exercise -- I safely knew I won't run to him for sure and I didn't, even though I did look around.

Some innocent conversation between coworkers during lunch hour reminded me of him, it's ridiculous my magic mind could relate anything to him. And today, I almost went to the restaurant we used to have dinner, I turned around half block away, I can't do it, I am not ready to visit any place where we had memories there.

If he doesn't love me, accept me, and do things with me, there really isn't any reason for the relationship to continue. It has to die. -- so simple, but I forget that everyday when I miss him.

 

I am trying to remind myself good changes I have made in the past couple of months, I am stronger and more positive than before.

 

Hope everyone is getting somewhat better everyday.

Edited March 1, 2018 by maybejune

[Beachead]

After stopping writing for a month, I find I'd better continue writing it, because it helps me sort out my feelings and understands the triggers, eventually train my mind.

 

Anyway, I have been missing him a lot, that I went to the park he used to do exercise -- I safely knew I won't run to him for sure and I didn't, even though I did look around.

Some innocent conversation between coworkers during lunch hour reminded me of him, it's ridiculous my magic mind could relate anything to him. And today, I almost went to the restaurant we used to have dinner, I turned around half block away, I can't do it, I am not ready to visit any place where we had memories there.

If he doesn't love me, accept me, and do things with me, there really isn't any reason for the relationship to continue. It has to die. -- so simple, but I forget that everyday when I miss him.

 

I am trying to remind myself good changes I have made in the past couple of months, I am stronger and more positive than before.

 

Hope everyone is getting somewhat better everyday.

 

No advice here, just a response to relate with you.

 

My ex at the time we were together was only a 5-10 minute drive from my place. We must have driven all over the city. Gone to many restaurants. Spent time at a lot of parks. Whenever I pass by a familiar road or something as simple as an intersection or a parking spot at a mall, I feel this heaviness in my chest still. I don't tell anyone or talk about it much but it's there. And that's how I know I really cared about this girl. That half a year could go by and although there is an acceptance, there is an emptiness in me. So I understand how you feel.

 

I tell myself, it's okay, not to be okay.

 

My heart holds on for a long time but it does let go eventually. I just don't know when that will be. From past experiences, it has happened. Simply, we can't give up on ourself and we have to keep moving. So I go to the gym, I focus on my studies and my job. In between that, in my quiet times, I might write an unsent letter, I may journal out my thoughts. I come on here. If I need to, I'll call my therapist. That's my life for now.

 

One day at a time until it gets better and I believe it will one day.

Edited March 1, 2018 by Beachead

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm starting to feel terrible about the exchange we had the other night. I feel terrible that I told her of my plans to move. Maybe she really truly didn't care and has already moved on, but if she hasn't that was probably painful for her to read.

 

It's difficult because we didn't fall out of love, we just needed change. It's so hard to admit that she was bad for me and I deserve better because I still love her. I don't want her to be hurt even if everyday I realize that I'm actually a lot happier without her. This feeling probably will change, but I kind of hope she's found someone really good to her and she doesn't regret leaving at all.

 

Now that I'm single I finally have time to do all the things I've always wanted to do, like reading, listening to podcasts, focusing on school and taking care of my body. Trying to do all of those things was impossible while being in a relationship -- especially one that I had to be so involved with her life that I hardly had time for my own.

 

I'm starting to realize it wasn't normal that I had to give up my life and my identity to be with her. I've realized that I'm actually a great guy and I don't feel desperate to be with anyone. I know I will be okay, but I can't help wondering if she regrets leaving. I can't get the image of her sobbing in my arms the last time we saw each other out of my head. I was her first love and I know that's not easy to get over. But again, maybe she hasn't even though about me since the moment she walked out the door.

[Beachead]

I'm starting to feel terrible about the exchange we had the other night. I feel terrible that I told her of my plans to move. Maybe she really truly didn't care and has already moved on, but if she hasn't that was probably painful for her to read.

 

It's difficult because we didn't fall out of love, we just needed change. It's so hard to admit that she was bad for me and I deserve better because I still love her. I don't want her to be hurt even if everyday I realize that I'm actually a lot happier without her. This feeling probably will change, but I kind of hope she's found someone really good to her and she doesn't regret leaving at all.

 

Now that I'm single I finally have time to do all the things I've always wanted to do, like reading, listening to podcasts, focusing on school and taking care of my body. Trying to do all of those things was impossible while being in a relationship -- especially one that I had to be so involved with her life that I hardly had time for my own.

 

I'm starting to realize it wasn't normal that I had to give up my life and my identity to be with her. I've realized that I'm actually a great guy and I don't feel desperate to be with anyone. I know I will be okay, but I can't help wondering if she regrets leaving. I can't get the image of her sobbing in my arms the last time we saw each other out of my head. I was her first love and I know that's not easy to get over. But again, maybe she hasn't even though about me since the moment she walked out the door.

 

It's just anxiety my friend.

 

Just remember we can't remain with someone just because we feel bad we will hurt them if we leave. Guilt is no reason to stay back nor is it a reason to try to be someone's friend after a break-up. As exes, there is nothing we can do to make them feel happy again because we are the source of their unhappiness and generate negative feelings. Their happiness, however, will be rediscovered in a life after us.

 

Assuming she is in pain right now, it won't last. It's just now she feels right now. Nothing lasts forever. Be it a good day or a bad day. Good feelings or bad feelings. Things will always change. And she, like many of us, will work through her feelings, no matter what they are, and live to discover that she is able to smile again post-breakup and that will show her hope.

 

Eventually, she'll meet someone new.

 

Don't worry.

[StrangerThanFiction]

Better today than I have been since the BU oh...three days ago? That's it?? It feels like it's been much longer for some reason. Well there you go. I'm taking the fact that I actually felt, dare I say, happy today as a good sign. Since I'm basically a pro at break ups now, being that I've had so many in the last year, I know having a good day like this is a sign of more of the same to come and that I'm going to be alright. I also, however, know that I will still probably have some bad days. Like if I run into him unexpectedly. Or see him with someone he's sleeping with. Or if he starts dating someone else. OR IF I KEEP CREEPING HIS DAMN FACEBOOK and see something that'll hurt me. Really need to ball up and block him already. I'm still using that age old excuse that we didn't end on bad terms and blocking him could be seen as rude and we're still technically friends blah blah blah. I know better. I still want to know what's going on in his life without me and want to leave an avenue of communication open in case he wants me back since we don't have any other way to talk. So far, all I've seen this that he's taken up drinking even more aggressively. If that was possible.

 

Self pep talk: C'mon girl, you're smarter than this. You know how this is going to end. You keep him unblocked you're going to keep creeping and it's a foregone conclusion that you're going to see him with another woman. The only thing that's going to happen then is its going to set you back and put you back into a spiral of asking why you weren't good enough and what's so great about the new one. Why willingly do it to yourself again? Yes, even if you block him you'll at some point hear about a new woman through mutual friends but that's okay because by that point you probably won't even care all that much. So smarten the hell up. Block him.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Anyway, I have been missing him a lot, that I went to the park he used to do exercise -- I safely knew I won't run to him for sure and I didn't, even though I did look around.

Some innocent conversation between coworkers during lunch hour reminded me of him, it's ridiculous my magic mind could relate anything to him. And today, I almost went to the restaurant we used to have dinner, I turned around half block away, I can't do it, I am not ready to visit any place where we had memories there.

 

My Ex has recently starting appearing at the place we used to go to all the time. She swore blind when we broke up she would never step foot in there again.

 

For the first two months or so she didn't. (I'm pretty sure she was going to another place. But somethings happened and now she isn't...) Recently she's been in there everyday, Twice on one day. It's a 180. The people i know that work in there said she been acting weird.

 

It's really awkward because we've seen each other. Not spoken. I did reach out to talk about things in the past and it was rejected. The time to talk was then, none of it would matter now.

 

What does it all mean? Not sure...

Edited March 2, 2018 by hurtsbadjusthurts

[Fever of love]

Self pep talk: C'mon girl, you're smarter than this. You know how this is going to end. You keep him unblocked you're going to keep creeping and it's a foregone conclusion that you're going to see him with another woman. The only thing that's going to happen then is its going to set you back and put you back into a spiral of asking why you weren't good enough and what's so great about the new one. Why willingly do it to yourself again? Yes, even if you block him you'll at some point hear about a new woman through mutual friends but that's okay because by that point you probably won't even care all that much. So smarten the hell up. Block him.

 

You got this, Stranger. We all know it's not it's not so easy to block them- the struggle is real! I've still not blocked mine, because like you it's the last line we have left. I just avoid fb, but I struggle with it every day.

 

However you've already reached the 'detachment' phase of your separation, much faster than I did. By that I don't mean that you'e detaching from this guy, (just yet), but you're detaching from your own attachment to him. I can see this because you, like me, are becoming aware of the difference between the self that is observing all this stuff happening, and telling yourself off, and the self that is actually caught up in the upset.

 

As time goes on, the key is to be more the former, and less the latter. Hope this makes sense, but it's what works for me.

 

Also this guy sounds like a knob anyway. You're well shot of him IMO. Good luck with your journey!

[Beachead]

You got this, Stranger. We all know it's not it's not so easy to block them- the struggle is real! I've still not blocked mine, because like you it's the last line we have left. I just avoid fb, but I struggle with it every day.

 

However you've already reached the 'detachment' phase of your separation, much faster than I did. By that I don't mean that you'e detaching from this guy, (just yet), but you're detaching from your own attachment to him. I can see this because you, like me, are becoming aware of the difference between the self that is observing all this stuff happening, and telling yourself off, and the self that is actually caught up in the upset.

 

As time goes on, the key is to be more the former, and less the latter. Hope this makes sense, but it's what works for me.

 

Also this guy sounds like a knob anyway. You're well shot of him IMO. Good luck with your journey!

 

Yep. I had mine blocked for 3months. I don't think it did much for me because my mind became more and more curious about her anyway. In this case, I felt it was a good move to unblock. I could see something that would hurt me and help me to move on. She still isn't blocked but I have seen pics that have hurt me and this for me has stimulated healing. IFor instance, I know she's with her ex and they from appearances seem happy. I had to make my peace with it. At the same time, it could be advantageous to keep them blocked. It all depends on your state of mind.

Like fever of love said..it is the last line of contact for us. A time will come when either stop caring or we are strong enough to block.