Beachead Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) Pure Gold! Really needed to hear it. I am really tempted to each out to her. And i hate it. I had stopped dreaming about her, or even thinking about her as much as i did... Then last night she back in my dreams. Feel very drained today. Going through the same process friend. The dreams. The temptations. But if it was meant to be, they wouldn't have left, or we wouldn't have been put in a position to leave them, or we wouldn't have felt how we felt or they wouldn't have felt how they felt. That relationship as it was, was not meant to last. It needed changes but changes don't happen overnight since people don't change like that. They need a lot of time to reflect on themselves and then work on changing themselves. So going back to the relationship after a few months..it'll just return to whatever it was before. But problem is, anxiety gets us and we lose sight of that. But I think one way of looking at it all is even if we are alone and hurting, atleast we are moving in some direction instead of suffering with someone and remaining stuck at a standstill. "Pressure makes Diamonds " they say. The worst moments of our life assist us by laying out the perfect emotional climate we need to grow because it is probably few times in our life where we are so ignited to the point where it could generate motivation to change things. That helplessness and the anger we feel is powerful. It's tough to tap into that during happy times because we don't feel these things at that point. So the worst moments of our life are opportunities. Perspective yea? Edited February 21, 2018 by Beachead 5
clist8511 Posted February 22, 2018 Posted February 22, 2018 Beachead, you always sound completely composed and quite strong. Where do you draw your strength from?
anonymousbear00101100 Posted February 23, 2018 Posted February 23, 2018 I'm just lonely today. I keep feeling like I should have done things differently and like I messed up my one shot. In reality I know she was the one who needed to change, but we all know that isn't how you feel after a breakup. I know things will only continue to get better. Still focusing on being the best me and remembering I'll be happy again one day. I can't believe it's almost been two months. Each individual day drags on but in aggregate it's gone pretty fast.
gonebibi Posted February 23, 2018 Posted February 23, 2018 (edited) no contact for 3.5 weeks, and then she contacts me... feel confused about it... Edited February 23, 2018 by gonebibi
Realitysux Posted February 23, 2018 Posted February 23, 2018 I am feeling much better and have reached a breakthrough. I accept the situation now and understand that he is with her now. I don't know her but she can't be any better then in my head and I've accepted the fabricated version of her that my mind created she would be. Perfect! so if I can accept that then I can accept that he is happy and with her without it affecting my happiness. It doesn't mean my life is perfect but it doesn't mean it's doomed because he's not in it either. I consider this a breakthrough and can feel I am starting to move on. I also noticed I don't need as much closure as I once did. I can accept I may never have the closure and not need it. I don't need it today.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted February 23, 2018 Posted February 23, 2018 I also noticed I don't need as much closure as I once did. I can accept I may never have the closure and not need it. I don't need it today. My ex and I broke up while I was visiting her on winter vacation. I couldn't get a flight for a day and a half after we made the decision. We spent that entire time talking about what happened and why. It was really nice. For the first time in a while we were able to really talk and not argue and just be open with our feelings. I felt like I had all the closure I would ever need. The longer we've been NC the more I realize complete closure will never happen. I still worry about what she thinks of me. I still get angry about things she did to me that I don't think she even realizes. Part of me wants to reach out but I know that will only make me look bad. I guess true closure is something that comes from inside us, rather than something our ex can provide. It's accepting the past rather than dwelling on it. I have no clue how to do that but reading posts like yours helps. We all just have to keep living in the present and looking towards the future. 1
Realitysux Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 My ex and I broke up while I was visiting her on winter vacation. I couldn't get a flight for a day and a half after we made the decision. We spent that entire time talking about what happened and why. It was really nice. For the first time in a while we were able to really talk and not argue and just be open with our feelings. I felt like I had all the closure I would ever need. The longer we've been NC the more I realize complete closure will never happen. I still worry about what she thinks of me. I still get angry about things she did to me that I don't think she even realizes. Part of me wants to reach out but I know that will only make me look bad. I guess true closure is something that comes from inside us, rather than something our ex can provide. It's accepting the past rather than dwelling on it. I have no clue how to do that but reading posts like yours helps. We all just have to keep living in the present and looking towards the future. It's so true. I think the contact with his friends was what prolonged my pain. One of his friends appears to be genuinely concerned and we were emailing last night. I have some difficult circumstances and don't have a lot of support. Sometimes out of lonliness, I respond. I have told them this so he doesn't think I want to reconnect. I dont. His friends encourage me to move on and each time they do, it's almost like the same thing as he has told me and all they are doing is stroking the pain which prolongs my healing. I am going to block the friends of his. He has good people in his life. Having said that, life is about the journey and you have to enjoy the journey. We call it NC but for most of us, nc also shows us they aren't reaching out to us and after a period of time that brings closure. For me, I began to feel defeated but accepted the outcome. Now I'm trying to create more positivity in my life and move on.
Broken183 Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 I went for a run and saw my ex from across the street. I haven't seen him since we broke up in October. And I completely fell apart. We didn't even talk and I have no idea if he even saw me. And everyone keeps telling me that it is likely that I'll see him since we live near each other. But it doesn't help. I know it's likely. I know he's not worth my energy. But I don't have control over my reaction to seeing him so out of the blue. I didn't choose to start crying.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 It's so true. I think the contact with his friends was what prolonged my pain. One of his friends appears to be genuinely concerned and we were emailing last night. I have some difficult circumstances and don't have a lot of support. Sometimes out of lonliness, I respond. I have told them this so he doesn't think I want to reconnect. I dont. His friends encourage me to move on and each time they do, it's almost like the same thing as he has told me and all they are doing is stroking the pain which prolongs my healing. I am going to block the friends of his. He has good people in his life. Having said that, life is about the journey and you have to enjoy the journey. We call it NC but for most of us, nc also shows us they aren't reaching out to us and after a period of time that brings closure. For me, I began to feel defeated but accepted the outcome. Now I'm trying to create more positivity in my life and move on. I'm trying to enjoy this period of time in my life as well, as hard as it is. I couldn't ever envision getting over my first breakup, and I didn't properly process my sadness during that time because I thought I was wrong for being sad. Now I have the hindsight to know that things will get better and that this period of my life will genuinely make me a stronger, better person. 1
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 24, 2018 Posted February 24, 2018 I'm trying to enjoy this period of time in my life as well, as hard as it is. I couldn't ever envision getting over my first breakup, and I didn't properly process my sadness during that time because I thought I was wrong for being sad. Now I have the hindsight to know that things will get better and that this period of my life will genuinely make me a stronger, better person. I echo everything you said. I think we do have to remember its an experience. And one that will grow us in unseen and seen ways. I can look at myself overall and say i've become a better "me" since the break up. Even if its just knowing that i'm obviously a lot tougher than i thought, if i can get through this. Up until now is suppose i've always thought that process of self improvement felt good. It doesn't always.. it hurts, it sucks, Its very painful. But none the less I'm becoming better. I prefer me now, to the me in my last relationship. 4
sorano Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I know it will all be ok for all of us. And depending on how much the relationship meant to us, we will feel sad, angry, lonely on certain days. Even after its been a while. Today I remembered a moment when my ex did and said something totally stupid and hurtful. You then start to see more clear. You look back and remember that there were many moments like that but you chose to ignore it. You were blinded. In time, you will realize he or she isn't who they claim to be. People change and show there true colors. am I upset today? Yes. Little angry. Not sad. Just angry that I allowed someone to treat me that way. But I treated them like gold. I already said how I feel about her. I put it out in the universe and one day, karma will settle it. I love hard, will give you my last dollar bill, but I also can be as cold as ice with no remorse when you do me wrong. Put me through pain, lie to me and my family, use me and I will not even think twice helping you out if you get hit by a mack truck and suffering. You are ghost to me and no ****s given. People say forgive. Its healthy. It depends on the situation. I will pray for your soul. Not you. Not the outside part. and move on. I still have no desire to date, get married, or be in a serious relationship. Not all women are bad and not all men are bad. I just have a bad taste at the moment and I truly feel happy not having a girl friend anymore.
Realitysux Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I know it will all be ok for all of us. And depending on how much the relationship meant to us, we will feel sad, angry, lonely on certain days. Even after its been a while. Today I remembered a moment when my ex did and said something totally stupid and hurtful. You then start to see more clear. You look back and remember that there were many moments like that but you chose to ignore it. You were blinded. In time, you will realize he or she isn't who they claim to be. People change and show there true colors. am I upset today? Yes. Little angry. Not sad. Just angry that I allowed someone to treat me that way. But I treated them like gold. I already said how I feel about her. I put it out in the universe and one day, karma will settle it. I love hard, will give you my last dollar bill, but I also can be as cold as ice with no remorse when you do me wrong. Put me through pain, lie to me and my family, use me and I will not even think twice helping you out if you get hit by a mack truck and suffering. You are ghost to me and no ****s given. People say forgive. Its healthy. It depends on the situation. I will pray for your soul. Not you. Not the outside part. and move on. I still have no desire to date, get married, or be in a serious relationship. Not all women are bad and not all men are bad. I just have a bad taste at the moment and I truly feel happy not having a girl friend anymore. Woah! That last women really messed you up. me too!
Beachead Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 Beachead, you always sound completely composed and quite strong. Where do you draw your strength from? I appreciate that. My mom gave me the tools and conscious to navigate my life. My strength also comes from her and my struggles. Simply realizing I always overcame every failure/rejection/bad situation out of/in my control. There was a lot that happened and quite a few periods in my life where I really hit a point I couldn't see hope. Once you been in the hole that deep a few times over and then live to see yourself get passed it..you start to believe in yourself. You also see who's there, who isn't, what really matters, and what doesn't. Feelings aren't final. Bad times don't last. Let it be, keep going and it'll turn around. Wasn't an easy journey. Took a long time to truly understand this. ..that and coffee 2
sorano Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 (edited) I mean yea she kinda did me wrong but Its just my personality. It could even be a good friend who screwed me over. I can be your best friend and the coolest guy. very respectful, a gentleman. But do me wrong or piss me off, yea lol. one fault of being italian and hanging around certain people a while back. You respect people, shut your mouth if you have nothing wise to say and don't ever lie. Few things I learned. I also worked close to 70 hrs this week in a place where the work load is indescribable. people hve left shaking and crying bc they cant handle it and I haven't gone to the gym in three days so. My fuse is very very short and my testosterone is at its high. Not a good combo. But, nothing bad lasts forever. It will pass. People have bad days. Just have to push and move forward. Do better the next Edited February 25, 2018 by sorano
Realitysux Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I mean yea she kinda did me wrong but Its just my personality. It could even be a good friend who screwed me over. I can be your best friend and the coolest guy. very respectful, a gentleman. But do me wrong or piss me off, yea lol. one fault of being italian and hanging around certain people a while back. You respect people, shut your mouth if you have nothing wise to say and don't ever lie. Few things I learned. I also worked close to 70 hrs this week in a place where the work load is indescribable. people hve left shaking and crying bc they cant handle it and I haven't gone to the gym in three days so. My fuse is very very short and my testosterone is at its high. Not a good combo. But, nothing bad lasts forever. It will pass. People have bad days. Just have to push and move forward. Do better the next Your job sounds brutal.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 Just once I wish I could have come home from school and work to a meal or a clean apartment. Just once I wish I could have woken up in the morning to her already being awake and making breakfast. For someone who didn't have a job, didn't go to class and never left the house for any reason, she never could bother to do any sort of house hold chore to make my life easier. Like honestly why did I have to do the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, etc. Everything was MY responsibility. All she had was the dog and I still did a lot of the work with him because she couldn't get out of bed until 1 p.m. She was so immature and I knew it the whole time but still let myself fall for her. She wasn't a bad person, she just was given everything she ever wanted and never learned discipline. So many things she did were just so -- for lack of a better word -- STUPID and I was often the one having to fix it for her. I know part of me always resented her for what she put me through. In the last month when I would avoid her in our apartment, I would think about our future together and just the thought exhausted me. But I don't understand why I sometimes still feel like I'm the one who made all the mistakes. I know I deserve better but it's hard to convince myself of that.
MeadowFlower Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 Your gut intuition is somewhat reliable. 1
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 (edited) I tend to write on here only when i'm feeling more upbeat or positive. Can't really see the point in writing something negative. But i do need to be honest. I am very much up and down. She has returned to my dreams again. In some ways its nice. In others ways they just haunt me. I thought in my own mind i was starting to get over things. I realised yesterday i'm not even close. I thought that because i accept it won't work. I don't believe in my heart anything can be fixed or solved. Yesterday when i was driving it occurred to me that to be truly over it, is when she doesn't matter anymore. No feelings. It just someone i used to know. I started journaling a month or so ago. Don't know if anyone else does. But i have found it very helpful at understanding things. A quote that inspired me yesterday. by enson inoue. "I dont think that i realised at the time, But to stand up for yourself... and to stand up for what's right, is what creates character... And character is what carries you in life" Edited February 25, 2018 by hurtsbadjusthurts 1
vickyp Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I know it will all be ok for all of us. And depending on how much the relationship meant to us, we will feel sad, angry, lonely on certain days. Even after its been a while. Today I remembered a moment when my ex did and said something totally stupid and hurtful. You then start to see more clear. You look back and remember that there were many moments like that but you chose to ignore it. You were blinded. In time, you will realize he or she isn't who they claim to be. People change and show there true colors. am I upset today? Yes. Little angry. Not sad. Just angry that I allowed someone to treat me that way. But I treated them like gold. I already said how I feel about her. I put it out in the universe and one day, karma will settle it. I love hard, will give you my last dollar bill, but I also can be as cold as ice with no remorse when you do me wrong. Put me through pain, lie to me and my family, use me and I will not even think twice helping you out if you get hit by a mack truck and suffering. You are ghost to me and no ****s given. People say forgive. Its healthy. It depends on the situation. I will pray for your soul. Not you. Not the outside part. and move on. I still have no desire to date, get married, or be in a serious relationship. Not all women are bad and not all men are bad. I just have a bad taste at the moment and I truly feel happy not having a girl friend anymore. 100% agree with this.
clist8511 Posted February 25, 2018 Posted February 25, 2018 I've been NC for four months. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted with trying not to contact her. I'm tired of wondering whether she's with someone else. I'm tired of trying to stay busy all the time. I'm tired of waiting for these feelings to go away. I'm tired of even finding out that she was abusive and reading about abuse. I'm tired of typing out these messages. I am desperate to speak to her, but I can't. I'm so scared. She might tell me she's with someone else, or she might tell me to leave her alone, or she might just be nice and play games and pretend to be in love with me again. Why do I have to go through this, why can't I just speak to her. Why does she have to be like this. It's tearing me apart. I felt so close to her and now there's nothing at all. Just emptiness. People say stay busy and I do my best to, but I can't be busy 24/7. When I'm not doing anything, when I just want to chill out all i can think of is her. I wish I could just shut my mind off. All I want is her and it's killing me. When does this end. I'm thinking if I just message her, at least I'll know what sort of mood she's in or whether she's with someone else. I love this person. Why do I have to pretend she doesn't exist?
Beachead Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 (edited) I've been NC for four months. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted with trying not to contact her. I'm tired of wondering whether she's with someone else. I'm tired of trying to stay busy all the time. I'm tired of waiting for these feelings to go away. I'm tired of even finding out that she was abusive and reading about abuse. I'm tired of typing out these messages. I am desperate to speak to her, but I can't. I'm so scared. She might tell me she's with someone else, or she might tell me to leave her alone, or she might just be nice and play games and pretend to be in love with me again. Why do I have to go through this, why can't I just speak to her. Why does she have to be like this. It's tearing me apart. I felt so close to her and now there's nothing at all. Just emptiness. People say stay busy and I do my best to, but I can't be busy 24/7. When I'm not doing anything, when I just want to chill out all i can think of is her. I wish I could just shut my mind off. All I want is her and it's killing me. When does this end. I'm thinking if I just message her, at least I'll know what sort of mood she's in or whether she's with someone else. I love this person. Why do I have to pretend she doesn't exist? Congratulations on making it that far though. Everyday is hard work. Not an easy thing to do. You'll do what you need to do when the right time comes and whatever that move is will be what pushes you forward from what feels like a plateau. I didn't even bother with a stiff deadline to heal. I just simply told myself.."Alright, I won't be over this for another year or so and that's fine." No pressure, no shame. I can just be free to feel. I'm about 6 and a 1/2 months in now and as long as it's been, I've been having a rough few days myself. I know it's because of that thin layer of hope lingering around, keeping me stuck. Wish to get rid of it but I know there's only a few particular situations that could kill it completely. Either my ex gets engaged or she breaks up and moves onto someone else, moves out of the country. Or, time goes on and I push her into the past as I rebuild my life or I end up finding someone new. Maybe a mix of it all. So for now, this is what it is. Thoughts of her popping into my head on the daily. A dream every now and then. Good days/Bad days. We just take it day by day Edited February 26, 2018 by Beachead 1
fieldoflavender Posted February 26, 2018 Posted February 26, 2018 I'm at a stage where I don't even think I will see him again in this lifetime. Well we live in the same city, so maybe. Who even knows. Don't even care anymore. I only remember him when times are bad, not when times are good. I'm hoping times will be good for a long time.
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