StrangerThanFiction Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 I don't think I can do this. I thought being in an official relationship is what I wanted but all I feel is insecurity and anxiety. I'm feeling like I'm not good enough and I feel like I'm trapped. Constantly. I like him but I'm seeing things that I know will bother me more and more the longer we're together. He's been known to be a bit of a man sl*t when he's single and he's been with a lot of women, but he's also known to be faithful when he's in a relationship. However, I'm not the best looking chick and I guess I worry that I won't be enough in that department to keep him from straying. I don't know what to do.
fieldoflavender Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 Okay so I'm losing faith in "love". I've been trying, but honestly I just want a friends with benefits thing right now. I never thought I would want one, but honestly before I was in a long term relationship, I didn't think it would be right to lose my virginity that way. But now that boat has sailed, and honestly, at least I can have fun while not caring right. There is someone that this could work with - obviously I don't want to do it with anyone, and a close guy friend means I lose a friend. So maybe I should just go for it. Because why not, why do I have to be alone and miserable? At least it's no strings attached. I am seriously contemplating it for the first time in my life. Why not.
MeadowFlower Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 Okay so I'm losing faith in "love". I've been trying, but honestly I just want a friends with benefits thing right now. I never thought I would want one, but honestly before I was in a long term relationship, I didn't think it would be right to lose my virginity that way. But now that boat has sailed, and honestly, at least I can have fun while not caring right. There is someone that this could work with - obviously I don't want to do it with anyone, and a close guy friend means I lose a friend. So maybe I should just go for it. Because why not, why do I have to be alone and miserable? At least it's no strings attached. I am seriously contemplating it for the first time in my life. Why not. It might become tricky if you fall for him and he doesn't fall for you, and cause you more heartache. 1
Beachead Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 (edited) Okay so I'm losing faith in "love". I've been trying, but honestly I just want a friends with benefits thing right now. I never thought I would want one, but honestly before I was in a long term relationship, I didn't think it would be right to lose my virginity that way. But now that boat has sailed, and honestly, at least I can have fun while not caring right. There is someone that this could work with - obviously I don't want to do it with anyone, and a close guy friend means I lose a friend. So maybe I should just go for it. Because why not, why do I have to be alone and miserable? At least it's no strings attached. I am seriously contemplating it for the first time in my life. Why not. Because you're not over your breakup and you're grieving still. Your feelings are all over the place and you don't have a handle on it yet. Makes an already jammed up mind, more jammed up. There's a reason for statuses and boundaries. It keeps things simple. Both people know what's up. When you play with that, such as a FWB situation, it gets complicated and can lead to feelings. Somebody will likely get hurt and whoever does the hurting will wind up feeling like crap about themselves. If I were you, I'd leave the idea alone, keep single for awhile and focus on yourself. Edited February 18, 2018 by Beachead 1
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 Update Still doing my best to keep busy. Been trying to do lots of new things, out of my comfort zone. It hasn't been easy, Tbh its been frightening at times but i seemed to have got through it After the break up i really felt lost. I was not sure who i was or where i was going. Starting to rediscover myself. Went out with friends last weekend. Just being with friends has a healing effect. I think its because they want nothing but the best for you. I appreciate there love and support. I'm at the point now where i don't want my ex back. It simply wouldn't work. I think once someone decides it over its over. Once the damage is done its done and you can't repair it. I had so much love for her i would of done anything for her. I used to be able to feel that love inside of me(You can physically feel it). That feeling seems to of gone now. I keep trying to find it, but it just doesn't seem to be there anymore. So it makes it even stranger that i have thought about her a lot over the last few days. Not sure why... And not sure what the point of it is... X
Buttercups Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 Missing the person who he was today. Feeling pretty worthless and used, still don’t understand how he could turn his feelings off like I was nothing. Right now I really do feel like I’m nothing and I feel I’ll never get the connection we had with someone else.
fieldoflavender Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 Because you're not over your breakup and you're grieving still. Your feelings are all over the place and you don't have a handle on it yet. Makes an already jammed up mind, more jammed up. There's a reason for statuses and boundaries. It keeps things simple. Both people know what's up. When you play with that, such as a FWB situation, it gets complicated and can lead to feelings. Somebody will likely get hurt and whoever does the hurting will wind up feeling like crap about themselves. If I were you, I'd leave the idea alone, keep single for awhile and focus on yourself. Sigh it's almost like a year. I can't stay single for the rest of my life. I've toyed with FWB before this break-up. I just didn't want to do it with some random Joe. It has to be someone I respect, is physically attractive, not going to carry tons of diseases, and that combination wasn't there ever. I don't even think this FWB thing has to do with my break-up anymore. It's more like I'm losing faith in love, because of all these failed attempts. I've gone on like what at least 10-15 first dates since my break-up. And I've gone on 40 dates before that. By the next 1-2 years, I will probably hit 100. So maybe I am not fit for long term, so the type of people I am looking for - they do not want me because it's easier to find someone who can boost their ego and stay at home to take care of the kids. Actually that's the biggest issue. I don't want to settle for someone who is a house husband, and the guys in my income bracket want to find someone who is a house wife. And when I was working on my career, the good guys who wanted a wife as an equal were taken. If I could rewind 10 years, I would do things much differently. Now it's too late but to be honest, I would rather settle for divorced and older than someone who is not ambitious or capable.
fieldoflavender Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 Because honestly I am sick of being the person who proves to some guy that ultimately all they really want is an ego boost. They think in the beginning they like the idea of having someone who makes a lot of money and has a great career, but ultimately they come to recognize that all they want is a house wife. Maybe I should just settle for someone who makes 1/4th of my salary. And then they won't feel good about it, and an iron clad prenup won't protect me. Yeah FWB sounds a lot better.
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 I know dating after a break up get asked a lot on here. Whether you should or shouldn't. Here my experience so far. I have been getting to know someone. We talk most days. Met up for coffee and been on one fun date. Its been awesome getting to know someone new. And its been good to get back out there and have fun. What i will say is this. The girl i am talking too, seem way more keen than i am atm. Asking my to meet up a lot. Trying to plan things way in advance. Involving me with her family stuff. My alarm bells have been going off. I've only just come out of a 4 1/2 relationship. I now know i'm not ready for all yet. I'm still figuring things out. Everyday is up and down. That's how i feel atm. Feel like i should put myself first for a while.
Beachead Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 (edited) Sigh it's almost like a year. I can't stay single for the rest of my life. I've toyed with FWB before this break-up. I just didn't want to do it with some random Joe. It has to be someone I respect, is physically attractive, not going to carry tons of diseases, and that combination wasn't there ever. I don't even think this FWB thing has to do with my break-up anymore. It's more like I'm losing faith in love, because of all these failed attempts. I've gone on like what at least 10-15 first dates since my break-up. And I've gone on 40 dates before that. By the next 1-2 years, I will probably hit 100. So maybe I am not fit for long term, so the type of people I am looking for - they do not want me because it's easier to find someone who can boost their ego and stay at home to take care of the kids. Actually that's the biggest issue. I don't want to settle for someone who is a house husband, and the guys in my income bracket want to find someone who is a house wife. And when I was working on my career, the good guys who wanted a wife as an equal were taken. If I could rewind 10 years, I would do things much differently. Now it's too late but to be honest, I would rather settle for divorced and older than someone who is not ambitious or capable. I know how you feel. I'm just on the other side of it. I think there is good to be found in your life. You are discovering what you want in a man and what you don't want despite these unfortunate experiences you feel are losses. If you can find the merit in it and let life be, I feel eventually your experiences will shape your expectations, criteria, standards, decisions and everything else and steer you in a path towards someone you will find love with. I don't think it'll be because you met someone who you were finally compatible with. I think it'll be because you yourself changed and adjusted. I lost faith in love too. I don't know what it is really nor how to describe it. Exes have honestly killed the essence of the word for me. I just now think it's a sense of comfort, loyalty, trust I will feel on average from someone over a long period of time. Maybe that's love? I don't know. Apart from a few other things, all I care for someone who cares about me. Not who they perceive me to be. Not who they want me to be. But me as I am. I never found that. Like you, I was also an ego boost or life lesson. Once my use was complete, I was discarded like trash. My pain is a cumulative product of not-so-serious people who wanted to use another human being to validate their worth and satisfy their loneliness. Seems to me, all the majority of people care about is social class, financials, materials, and physicals. I was raised to treat people respectfully so to me, this world is brutal. Having said that, I have met good people. Good women too. But, most of them are now paired off and I missed the boat for the kind of relationship in the kind of setting and timeline I hoped for. It's going to be a very different future for me. I had to make my peace with all of it. Edited February 19, 2018 by Beachead 1
Realitysux Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 I feel angry because of how long he played with my emotions for and strung me along before ghosting me. I kind of regret not getting the hint earlier because at the time, there were some great men interested in me. It's a hard pill to swallow and a painful lesson to learn. Looking back, these men were more supportive, and were not putting pressure on me or punishing me for what I was, but supporting me in moving forward a lot more then he was. I was too blinded by "infatuation" to realize it. Moving forward, I have opportunities to reconnect with some of these people but they live rather far now. One asked me to move closer but I can't just move to a city for a guy that it might not work out in the long run. I have to make decisions that are best for me single and know that the right man will come along again. I just feel so angry at him for wasting my time. I probably sound like someone who wasn't in love with the other men to begin with but had I not been so blinded, they could have turned into something more fulfilling then this guy did. I put time and effort into the wrong man.
divegrl Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 My friend sent me this quote and I really like it, Learn to trust the journey, even if you don’t understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need. 5
Beachead Posted February 19, 2018 Posted February 19, 2018 My friend sent me this quote and I really like it, Learn to trust the journey, even if you don’t understand it. Sometimes what you never wanted or expected turns out to be what you need. Ah that's a good one. I remind myself of it everyday and especially during the toughest moments. 1
Realitysux Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Ah that's a good one. I remind myself of it everyday and especially during the toughest moments. I was reading some of your posts and I can't believe you're only 31. You seem so wise beyond your years. You're still so young but your wisdom is astonishing. 1
Beachead Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I was reading some of your posts and I can't believe you're only 31. You seem so wise beyond your years. You're still so young but your wisdom is astonishing. Hey I appreciate that. I hope some of those posts have helped you in some way. - B
Realitysux Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Weekends are harder for me because I have more time to think. Weekdays are busier and much more easier at the time being. I had a rough night last night but this morning, I am feeling a tad bit more normal. Last night I was texting a friend and I will quote his exact text. "There is no remedy for a broken heart, it will ache until time has erased its sting. The best thing to do is find another, there is no magic pill for emotional pain like this. At least, I haven’t found it yet. Some strategies are to keep busy, enjoy the company of friends and family, or find something to distract you while this connection lessens. Some people grieve over loss for many years. It all depends on the strength of the bond" It makes sense. I'll keep myself busy until the memory and reminders fade. 1
Beachead Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Weekends are harder for me because I have more time to think. Weekdays are busier and much more easier at the time being. I had a rough night last night but this morning, I am feeling a tad bit more normal. Last night I was texting a friend and I will quote his exact text. "There is no remedy for a broken heart, it will ache until time has erased its sting. The best thing to do is find another, there is no magic pill for emotional pain like this. At least, I haven’t found it yet. Some strategies are to keep busy, enjoy the company of friends and family, or find something to distract you while this connection lessens. Some people grieve over loss for many years. It all depends on the strength of the bond" It makes sense. I'll keep myself busy until the memory and reminders fade. Quality advice. You have a good friend there.
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I was damn angry when i found out. As i have specially told people that i didn't want to know anything about my Ex.(I have zero social media, so i am literally no contact, no contact) But a mutual friend of ours told me that she has been signed off work with depression and stress. Really not sure what to make of it...
Beachead Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I was damn angry when i found out. As i have specially told people that i didn't want to know anything about my Ex.(I have zero social media, so i am literally no contact, no contact) But a mutual friend of ours told me that she has been signed off work with depression and stress. Really not sure what to make of it... I took a look at your thread. Don't read into it and don't let the news of hearing about her sway you back into thoughts of consoling her. You can't be 100% responsible for what's going on inside her. That's for her to fix on her own if she's got the character to do it. There are a LOT of people out there who spend the rest of their life blaming everything else instead of taking a long hard look at their own behavior and reflecting upon themselves. My previous ex was one of those people. She went through a lot of emotional stress and was on her way to depression as well. Lot of bad decisions she made. I loved her so and so I took her insufferable treatment of me and was there long after she broke up with me (She dumped me via whatsapp). Eventually, being there for her destroyed me to the point where I became depressed myself and borderline suicidal. I was then forced to put myself first and consider my well-being and so I left her. I don't know what she's up to or if she's okay but that's a journey for her now. I have zero guilt about it because I know that was the best move for both her and myself. Hang tough 1
anonymousbear00101100 Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I haven't written in a while. My weekend was wild and eventful. I'm finding the single life is a lot crazier than I remember and actually pretty fun. I'm starting to forget both the good and the bad. The overwhelming sadness is gone for the most part. Some of it has been replaced with anger and some of it has been replaced with ambivalence. I know the latter will continue to take over as long as I let it. I'm angry at this whole situation. I always knew that she would leave for home. Whenever she would go home she was always so distant and made me feel like she didn't want to come back. She never would tell me about her friends or her life at home. Then she would get mad at me for wanting to talk and act like I was being intrusive. I'm angry that we couldn't stop fighting enough to realize what was most important. I wish I could have just let certain things go. I wish she wasn't so hard to live with and didn't cast all her problems onto me. I never meant to resent her but I'm starting to realize she caused most of my problems. I'm angry that I knew all along how things would end up. I saw who she was -- a good kid without direction or discipline -- and I couldn't make it better. There were so many factors that contributed to our breakup. Realizing that maybe we just weren't right for each other anymore is really hard to cope with.
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 I took a look at your thread. Don't read into it and don't let the news of hearing about her sway you back into thoughts of consoling her. You can't be 100% responsible for what's going on inside her. That's for her to fix on her own if she's got the character to do it. There are a LOT of people out there who spend the rest of their life blaming everything else instead of taking a long hard look at their own behavior and reflecting upon themselves. My previous ex was one of those people. She went through a lot of emotional stress and was on her way to depression as well. Lot of bad decisions she made. I loved her so and so I took her insufferable treatment of me and was there long after she broke up with me (She dumped me via whatsapp). Eventually, being there for her destroyed me to the point where I became depressed myself and borderline suicidal. I was then forced to put myself first and consider my well-being and so I left her. I don't know what she's up to or if she's okay but that's a journey for her now. I have zero guilt about it because I know that was the best move for both her and myself. Hang tough Thanks Beachead. I read your posts on this thread most nights. Even if i dont get round to posting myself. I always find your words useful. So thank you. Its helped me get through this. I really don't know what to make of it. I 100% will not reach out to her. I have in the past and it was thrown in my face. Things for me have been going really well. I was so broken at the beginning i never thought i would be okay again. But I've been getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, hobbies, A date or two. I feel good about things. She made sure to tell me how much better off she'd be without me when she left. And how i was at fault for everything. The impression she gave me since was, i was history and how much better things were going for her. Really Can't see why she'd now be depressed? Only thing i can think of is being a victim! Something she liked to be. What i also was told by our mutual friend was some of the people around her are not believing some of the things/reasons she has said about the break up. This was one of the reason our friend told me about her being signed off, because our friend wanted to know what actually happened. I kept my mouth shut. And will continue too.
Beachead Posted February 20, 2018 Posted February 20, 2018 Thanks Beachead. I read your posts on this thread most nights. Even if i dont get round to posting myself. I always find your words useful. So thank you. Its helped me get through this. I really don't know what to make of it. I 100% will not reach out to her. I have in the past and it was thrown in my face. Things for me have been going really well. I was so broken at the beginning i never thought i would be okay again. But I've been getting out of my comfort zone, meeting new people, hobbies, A date or two. I feel good about things. She made sure to tell me how much better off she'd be without me when she left. And how i was at fault for everything. The impression she gave me since was, i was history and how much better things were going for her. Really Can't see why she'd now be depressed? Only thing i can think of is being a victim! Something she liked to be. What i also was told by our mutual friend was some of the people around her are not believing some of the things/reasons she has said about the break up. This was one of the reason our friend told me about her being signed off, because our friend wanted to know what actually happened. I kept my mouth shut. And will continue too. I'm glad I was able to help in some way, shape or form. And good on you! Glad to see you are beginning to pull through and get to a better place in your life. All that crap she was telling you about how better off she is is because of insecurities. In reality, I'd bet her life probably isn't as "happy" as she makes it out to be. More importantly, trying to stick it to you like that shows weak character on her part which is just another piece of evidence that supports why you should stay away. Although I know it still hurts sometimes, know that you are simply better off without her in your life. All you have to do now is to continue proving it to yourself. Awesome stuff! 2
sorano Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 Good evening to all! I hope everyone is staying strong. One day you may! 5
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 21, 2018 Posted February 21, 2018 I'm glad I was able to help in some way, shape or form. And good on you! Glad to see you are beginning to pull through and get to a better place in your life. All that crap she was telling you about how better off she is is because of insecurities. In reality, I'd bet her life probably isn't as "happy" as she makes it out to be. More importantly, trying to stick it to you like that shows weak character on her part which is just another piece of evidence that supports why you should stay away. Although I know it still hurts sometimes, know that you are simply better off without her in your life. All you have to do now is to continue proving it to yourself. Awesome stuff! Pure Gold! Really needed to hear it. I am really tempted to each out to her. And i hate it. I had stopped dreaming about her, or even thinking about her as much as i did... Then last night she back in my dreams. Feel very drained today.
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