How are you coping today?

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Went to my first Meetup group last night. Its for 20/30 years old who socialise. Really just wanted to do something out of my comfort zone. I know my story with my Ex is now finished. So its just my story now. Time to have fun and try new things!

 

I was worried i'd stand out like a sore thumb. But thought i'd go for it anyway. In fairness everyone did seem to know each other. I think i was the only newbie there(About 35 people went, a good mix) Everyone was really outgoing and was ready to engage with everyone. Got invited to there "just friends" not, not meetup group pancake night. Which was cool. Must of made a decent impression.

 

I spent most of the night talking to a girl who we had lots in common and lives near me. We know some of the same people(Vaguely know her brother) There was a bit a spark. Lots of eye contact. We exchanged numbers. She text me.

 

In terms of how i'm coping. Its three months today since we broke up. I do feel a bit like i'm "Going through the motions" If i'm honest i cant really believe its over. Feels like things aren't finished.

 

Im doing all the right things, as far as i know. Going out, trying new things. Taking care of myself, Seeing friends.

 

Is it working... No(Or maybe so slow it feels like a no)

 

That's what makes it harder, I'm doing all the right things and still doesn't feel any better. Not sure what more i can do? Keep going i suppose.

[Realitysux]

I end up having a productive day after all. I slept in and woke up feeling like I hadn't rested but I forced myself up and out the door. I have a list of things I need to accomplish and a job was one of them.

 

I found a job today, it's not ideal but it's a start and it gets me out of the house everyday.

 

I also did some therapy homework, grocery shopped, and cleaned my house. Tomorrow I have Valentine's day plans with family so I picked up gifts for that. I picked up that game with a mouth piece where you have to guess what the other persons saying with it in.

 

So now that that's all over, I find myself bored and thinking about it. I end up on this site because I am now feeling deeply hurt and more so by the fact that an amicle conversation can't happen and wouldn't even make it right. I have no choice but to walk away and that's much harder then talking it out like adults and moving on. Ghosting is very immature and although is an obvious sign he didn't care, it's very hurtful to have that happen to you.

[MeadowFlower]

Just a thought, for people who are still 'getting over' their ex. If I can say this gently, don't waste too much time mourning or thinking of them or the breakup. Go through the process, yes. But don't waste time. Don't look back at the time now and say I wasted those days being miserable over someone.

Look ahead.

[Realitysux]

Just a thought, for people who are still 'getting over' their ex. If I can say this gently, don't waste too much time mourning or thinking of them or the breakup. Go through the process, yes. But don't waste time. Don't look back at the time now and say I wasted those days being miserable over someone.

Look ahead.

 

It's a good thought, but very hard to do. Especially when they move on so long before they actually let you know. It takes up the majority of your day for some time.

[sorano]

Just a thought, for people who are still 'getting over' their ex. If I can say this gently, don't waste too much time mourning or thinking of them or the breakup. Go through the process, yes. But don't waste time. Don't look back at the time now and say I wasted those days being miserable over someone.

Look ahead.

 

excellent message.

[sorano]

I can tell you all that there is light. The struggle is real and you will go through a lot of relapses. You think you are fine, but, you then get hit with a sea of emotions. Just ride them out and let it happen. In time, the feelings will get less and less. There is no set time. So don't rush it. If I go through a certain town while driving, I do get flash backs. Of the good times and it still kinda bothers me. But it is what it is. It will get better.

 

Nothing bad lasts forever. I said it many times. In the end, it will all be ok.

 

Like for example, I totally forgot tomorrow was valentines day. A joke. But to some it means a lot. I totally forgot it. My buddy at the gym reminded me. It goes to show in time, it will get better and things wont become such a big deal. The pain lessens.

 

its funny, so many people gave excuses today at the gym on why they can't workout tomorrow. 90% said they need to take off because there body hurts. LOL. just tell the truth and say you will be with your girl. Its part of being in a relationship. Me? even when I had a girl friend, I still worked out on valentines day. I would make plans for another time. People will say well thats not nice. You know what I learned, never LOVE the other person more than yourself. Never. Because one day, that person will not be there. You need to make yourself happy. Yes, you must BEND in a relationship, but dont go over board. Keep that in mind.

Edited February 14, 2018 by sorano

[MeadowFlower]

Happy Valentine's Day to my future special guy if I get one. Maybe I've met you already, maybe I haven't. Perhaps you're in my town or perhaps you're in another city. x

[clist8511]

I can tell you all that there is light. The struggle is real and you will go through a lot of relapses. You think you are fine, but, you then get hit with a sea of emotions. Just ride them out and let it happen. In time, the feelings will get less and less. There is no set time. So don't rush it. If I go through a certain town while driving, I do get flash backs. Of the good times and it still kinda bothers me. But it is what it is. It will get better.

 

Nothing bad lasts forever. I said it many times. In the end, it will all be ok.

 

Like for example, I totally forgot tomorrow was valentines day. A joke. But to some it means a lot. I totally forgot it. My buddy at the gym reminded me. It goes to show in time, it will get better and things wont become such a big deal. The pain lessens.

 

I don't know you, but I find your posts full of strength and they inspire me. You sound like you've used the pain to build up your inner strength - thank you for this post, we needed it.

[clist8511]

Just a thought, for people who are still 'getting over' their ex. If I can say this gently, don't waste too much time mourning or thinking of them or the breakup. Go through the process, yes. But don't waste time. Don't look back at the time now and say I wasted those days being miserable over someone.

Look ahead.

 

This is a great message.

 

But, I will say... it's hard to just stop mourning or thinking about them. I know there are people who are advocates for 'mind over matter' but some of us haven't quite worked out how to rein our mind in...

[clist8511]

Yes you can! You got it covered, you're well underway. You can do this, I know you can.

 

Chin up!

 

 

I know my friend. I’m right there with you. Just one breath at a time. One moment at a time.

 

You’re not alone. Hugs.

 

Yes, you can, and you will.

 

For now, just be. Just being is enough.

 

You have come so far already! You know what follows a low like this? A high. Ride this out and wait for the next high. It's coming.

 

Thank you all for the support. I may not have replied at the time but your words of comfort really did help.

 

I wish I was in a place to offer more support but please know that you're all not alone and I am also here for/with you.

[Beachead]

Valentines Day to me is a bogus day but nonetheless it exists for the couples. I know for many of us, social media and real life can accentuate the loneliness and the bad feelings we feel inside and I know that it can get to many of us. Some of us are unaffected, some are affected but can get back on our feet and some of us struggle to. So my message are for those people who struggle:

 

Treat yourselves well today. Treat yourselves well tomorrow. Treat yourselves well this week..and this month..and this year and ESPECIALLY when you meet someone new.

 

Treat yourself well for the rest of your life. Never forget.

 

Much Love

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm having a great day. Went to the bars last night with some friends and a girl put her number in my phone and we danced. Been super positive all day. I think my new shoes are almost here, too.

 

Yesterday was terrible until I went out, though. I'm trying to give up all my vices and I decided to stop smoking weed which has been really tough. I'm tired of being dependent on on drugs, women, junk food, etc. to feel okay.

 

When I was with her I had no time to take care of myself and I allowed things to control my life. I think that's a big reason our relationship fell apart. I felt trapped and I didn't know why. The stress of basically having to live two lives was unmanageable. I'm starting to remember more of the times where we'd be doing fun things and I just wasn't happy. I feel like I unconsciously resented her for putting her burden on me. I miss her but I don't miss our relationship. I'm glad I have the clarity realize I need to be good to myself.

 

I know I'll still have bad days but for the first time in my life I feel like I am committed to myself and my future. I know that someone is out there for me and I want to be good enough with myself to make that work.

[Cora]

Welp it’s Valentines Day and my thoughts can’t help but drift to you. At first I felt sadness for what was and what could have been......for missing you. But then I feel anger for the way you treated me towards the end. Making excuses for why you couldn’t see me or why you were late....breaking and flaking on plans. Using your diminishing health as an excuse and saying you overslept. When all the while you were healthy as a horse busy spending your time with your new girl. You forgot one thing though....breaking things off with me first. I asked you over and over again if you were losing interest in me when you started acting suspicious? Your answer was the same every time. That you were just not feeling well and it had nothing to do with me. Well you were right about that one....it didn’t have anything to do with me because it was all about the new girl you were head over heels for. How foolish I feel...

 

You’ve been with her for almost three years now. Longer than we were together. Guess she’s the love of your life. She’s everything I couldn’t be. I simply wasn’t enough. Even though I know I shouldn’t...I peek at social media every now and then and all she can talk about is what a wonderful man and boyfriend you are. Sigh...you sure didn’t treat me the same. I wonder if she knows how you just threw me aside when you were done with me? Like I meant nothing. No explanation...no goodbye. Just lies and then silence. How do you think I felt when I found out about her on my own? After I had been praying for your health and sending you get well cards. You were not sick at all...just sick of me apparently. All those nights you were off with her, having fun with her, holding her, kissing her, sleeping with her while I was home alone thinking of you, feeling sorry for you and crying over you. Oh the fool I was. I saw last night on social media where she stated she was getting all dolled up for her night out with you tonight...”her amazing boyfriend”....her words. She said y’all were taking professional pictures together. I can’t help but find that amusing since we never took pictures together. You always said you didn’t like having your picture taken. Well that wasn’t true...that wasn’t true at all now was it? You just didn’t like having pictures taken with me.

 

Anyway....have fun tonight. Enjoy yourself. Take lots of pictures to remember the occasion. Hope you got her a nice gift.... maybe a sentimental card? Or perhaps you wanna take the plunge and propose. Just treat her well....better than you treated me. Happy Valentines Day....

[Realitysux]

I don't think Valentine's day is that big of a deal when you are single. It does mean that he is most likely preparing for Valentine's day dinner, which details romance, and of course sex afterwards. She will probably have purchased lingerie to wear after dinner, thus making this day suck and hard.

 

Having said that, I am doing okay. I made a nice dinner and am resting since I was exhausted from work today. I have to get up to do the dishes and prep for work tomorrow and maybe that'll keep my mind off his valentines.

[sorano]

. One thing I learned when my ex broke up with me is, you think that they are out partying, going on vacation, dating a model, they hit the lotto, they received 55 dozen red roses at work, etc etc. we over hype it. Even couples that are Together probably aren't doing the things that go through your mind tonight. We assume.

 

8pm I'll be killing it in the gym. I will come home and have my 10 egg whites with oatmeal. Watch tv and browse the web. Maybe have some jazz playing in the back round.

[sorano]

Welp it’s Valentines Day and my thoughts can’t help but drift to you. At first I felt sadness for what was and what could have been......for missing you. But then I feel anger for the way you treated me towards the end. Making excuses for why you couldn’t see me or why you were late....breaking and flaking on plans. Using your diminishing health as an excuse and saying you overslept. When all the while you were healthy as a horse busy spending your time with your new girl. You forgot one thing though....breaking things off with me first. I asked you over and over again if you were losing interest in me when you started acting suspicious? Your answer was the same every time. That you were just not feeling well and it had nothing to do with me. Well you were right about that one....it didn’t have anything to do with me because it was all about the new girl you were head over heels for. How foolish I feel...

 

You’ve been with her for almost three years now. Longer than we were together. Guess she’s the love of your life. She’s everything I couldn’t be. I simply wasn’t enough. Even though I know I shouldn’t...I peek at social media every now and then and all she can talk about is what a wonderful man and boyfriend you are. Sigh...you sure didn’t treat me the same. I wonder if she knows how you just threw me aside when you were done with me? Like I meant nothing. No explanation...no goodbye. Just lies and then silence. How do you think I felt when I found out about her on my own? After I had been praying for your health and sending you get well cards. You were not sick at all...just sick of me apparently. All those nights you were off with her, having fun with her, holding her, kissing her, sleeping with her while I was home alone thinking of you, feeling sorry for you and crying over you. Oh the fool I was. I saw last night on social media where she stated she was getting all dolled up for her night out with you tonight...”her amazing boyfriend”....her words. She said y’all were taking professional pictures together. I can’t help but find that amusing since we never took pictures together. You always said you didn’t like having your picture taken. Well that wasn’t true...that wasn’t true at all now was it? You just didn’t like having pictures taken with me.

 

Anyway....have fun tonight. Enjoy yourself. Take lots of pictures to remember the occasion. Hope you got her a nice gift.... maybe a sentimental card? Or perhaps you wanna take the plunge and propose. Just treat her well....better than you treated me. Happy Valentines Day....

 

You have to let that social media go. You can't track there every move. Not good. You'll be fine

[Jsos91]

Well I'm thankful valentines day was never a big thing for us, you surprised me once with a nice dinner but nothing too memorable. I breezed through yesterday, its a few days from now that I feel weird about. I proposed to you a couple years ago, feels like a lifetime at this point and it just feels bizarre thinking about proposing to someone whose a complete stranger to me now. I don't long for those days, I was so excited and hopeful back then but I'm at the point where I'm thankful that we never ended up getting married, it obviously would have lead to a divorce in the end. I still miss her... especially in the coming months; we were at our best at the beginning (like a lot of people), so spring will be tough for me. The warming weather, melting snow and earthy smell it yields reminds me walks we went on and the happiness I felt then. I don't want her... but I definitely want to find that feeling again.

[Beachead]

. One thing I learned when my ex broke up with me is, you think that they are out partying, going on vacation, dating a model, they hit the lotto, they received 55 dozen red roses at work, etc etc. we over hype it. Even couples that are Together probably aren't doing the things that go through your mind tonight. We assume.

 

8pm I'll be killing it in the gym. I will come home and have my 10 egg whites with oatmeal. Watch tv and browse the web. Maybe have some jazz playing in the back round.

 

Jazz is my go to style also. It completely relaxes me and puts me in a calm state of mind.

 

Very true Sorano. That anxiety gets the best of us and we blow it all out of proportion. Has something to do with the Ego I believe.

[Beachead]

I average my mood out over the 6 months that have passed and I can say I do feel better. I can be thankful for that. That's hope.

 

It's gym workouts nearly everyday, relaxing instrumental music playlists and studying. My simple life. Take a small step forward each day and in a year, I'll be a billion steps forward.

Edited February 16, 2018 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

Sigh this is so hard. I have to let go of something that I knew wasn't really there but it's still hard to let go of someone you really care about and want to be with. And this is not my ex. It almost feels worse when you actually still care about the person. I just hate my ex.

[clist8511]

I'm not really feeling that good, today. I want to contact her and tell her just how much everything is hurting. Tell her that all the little things she said and promised me while we were together meant so much to me. That I don't understand any of this - or even why it's me who's been cut out of her life and everyone else gets to stay. The change of number and the exclusion and removal of me is what hurts the most.

 

I really thought she understood me and that she wouldn't do what others have done by leaving me. I'm scared to even approach her because she can be very ruthless and mean and I don't know when she'll do it (walking on eggshells) and I already feel fragile and vulnerable. If she's in the wrong mood she'll just block me or tell me to leave her alone.

 

I don't see how these feelings can ever go away. The fact is that I trusted her and she hurt me and abandoned me. How can I ever trust anyone again?

[Realitysux]

I'm not really feeling that good, today. I want to contact her and tell her just how much everything is hurting.

 

 

 

Hi Clist,

 

 

I can see you're having a hard time with NC.

 

 

It doesn't seem like she has contacted you post b/u and that's an obvious sign that she has/is moving on. If she ended the relationship with you then she is moving on. Contacting her wouldn't support your life right now.

 

 

You should be putting your energy into more healthy thoughts that support your life and breaking old thinking patterns that don't. You think you need her but you don't. It's going to be hard at first, you're still going to hurt, but in time you will come out on the other side.

 

You don't need to contact her. I really believe you're gonna get thru this.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Made it through valentines day. It was a bit of a tough day. I went out and had coffee on my own. Had a lot on my mind with everything that has happened. I did wonder whether she thought about me. But it doesn't really matter either way.

 

Its just over three months since the split. Its not a long time(Together 4 1/2 years). But my life has changed a lot since then. I've joined new groups and met some new people, I'm going to therapy(And getting a lot out of it, feel a better person, my self-esteem is growing) Taking care of myself. And I've met a couple of love interests.

 

Went out on a date last night with a lady i've been talking too(Met in real life. No internet dating for me, Its a rule im sticking to.). I wanted to do something a bit fun and light-hearted. We played crazy golf(I bloody lost as well, Don't ask. Lol), then went for a drink after. It was fun evening. We've got plans to go on another.

 

I realised a lot last night. When i first asked this girl out(Must be a month and a bit ago) I really felt like it was cheating, even talking to her... Then i felt like i shouldn't rush things and i should be single, i should take my time... Then i felt like it okay, we can just be friends and see what happens... Now i feel like i'm just going to experience as much as i can and learn from every opportunity.

 

The point i want to make to myself is how i felt about things has changed over time. Even if its subtle.

 

When we were sat there talking. The thought flashed in my mind. Me and my Ex really are drifting apart. Or maybe i'm drifting away from what i used to be. I'm not the same person i was. And my life feels like its in a different place now.

 

My date did ask me whether i'd talk to my Ex again if we ever got in contact. Its only when someone asks you, you really think about it.

 

I said no... "Everything i wanted to say, I've said to myself already. Nothing left to say. I'm at peace with things now"

 

I am at peace with things. Hurts badly, Its a horrible experiences that's going to go on for a while yet. But i do feel at peace(Maybe its acceptance i'm feeling, not sure?)

 

Moving on more and more each day. Slowly but surely.

[MeadowFlower]

Guys may come and go, but a dog will always be there.

[Beachead]

I'm not really feeling that good, today. I want to contact her and tell her just how much everything is hurting. Tell her that all the little things she said and promised me while we were together meant so much to me. That I don't understand any of this - or even why it's me who's been cut out of her life and everyone else gets to stay. The change of number and the exclusion and removal of me is what hurts the most.

 

I really thought she understood me and that she wouldn't do what others have done by leaving me. I'm scared to even approach her because she can be very ruthless and mean and I don't know when she'll do it (walking on eggshells) and I already feel fragile and vulnerable. If she's in the wrong mood she'll just block me or tell me to leave her alone.

 

I don't see how these feelings can ever go away. The fact is that I trusted her and she hurt me and abandoned me. How can I ever trust anyone again?

 

She sounds like my second ex. She was never in the business of solving problems and moving forward. She was in it for distance and irritation. When I used to try and talk to her about things after a fight, she'd give one word replies. Her idea of solving a problem was not talking about it at all and sweeping it under the rug. This girl used to contact me after broke up every few months just to dig at me an rile me up. Either because she felt guilty for how she broke up with me or for some other self-serving reason. Whatever it was ended up with us fighting and me apologizing and begging her to forgive me. Forgive her for what? I have no clue to this date what the hell I was begging her to forgive me for. For being heartbroken? For needing space that she wasn't giving me? That's the thing. She managed to turn it around on me and make me feel like everything was my fault. I'd cry and feel terrible and be in a depressed state for weeks. It was pathetic. My fault too because I let her do this to me but that's what it's like when you fall in love. You wind up surrendering part of yourself. You trust and have faith and leave your ego at the door. And most likely, you want so badly to be with them again even if they hurt you. People from the outside can judge you for that but as soon they fall in love, it happens to them too. The people we fall in love with legitimately have the power to destroy us.

 

The karma was at the end when she was telling me she needed help because she might be depressed and that she couldn't handle her studies anymore. I spent a lot of time trying to tell that girl that the way she avoided her problems and neglected herself would come back to get her. Even when she treated me like crap, I was probably the only one in her life who cared enough to really try an understand and see these things in her. When I called her out on her behaviour, she was completely taken aback by how I unravelled her "Mystery." Wasn't anything special really. That's what you do when you love someone. You care enough to delve into the abyss with them.

 

But by the end of 2 years, I was tired of trying to see her side and I left her in that state without a care in the world. It was simply a moment of "If I don't leave, you are going to be the cause of my suicide and I don't want that because I can do better than this." To this day I still care about her. Still think about her at times and hope she's okay but I never want to get back with her because she was damaging to me. Truly truly damaging. But I've recovered 100% from what felt like a truly hopeless, unrecoverable situation. Far worse than my current situation.

 

With her, some of my pain gradually went away up to a certain point and then remained fixed because of my love for her but once I saw (And I mean really saw) what the situation was, it all disappeared and moving forward became incredibly simple. Like I said, that took 2 years. Matter of fact I met my current ex 2 months afterwards.

With this one, the pain has been more of a gradual reduction.

 

You never really see how the feelings will go away in the beginning. It all feels overwhelming and hopeless but it kind of just sneaks up on you and one day you realize you're moving on.

Edited February 16, 2018 by Beachead