How are you coping today?

[clist8511]

I am feeling really frustrated at this process. I am withholding contact but yet some days I wake up and I feel as if we broke up the night before. The image of her, her voice, her body, things she’s said – all so vivid in my mind and my mood is then so low that I feel I haven’t made progress (which I’m sure I must have).

 

Sometimes I feel like I can prepare myself for the worst outcome of contact – if she’s with someone else I can just grit my teeth and withstand the pain. If she ignores me, again – just bear it. But is that really how I’d react? I’d probably be thrown back into a world of pain and tears, but yet I can’t seem to get my mind to understand this. All it does is try to convince me that I can handle whatever she’ll say.

 

I do not want to know who she is dating, or if she is dating. I do not want to know how far along they are. I do not want to know what they look like, their occupation, whether she’s happier than she was with me, I do not want to know a thing. Yet I still want to make contact.

 

The latest thing I want to say to her is to ask her to come over. When we were together and she broke up with me repeatedly, asking her to come over and her agreeing to, would result in her retracting her decision and us getting back together (of course, she’d then break up with me again or go home and become distant – I would suffer terrible anxiety when she was leaving/had gone home). So I suppose that must be the thinking behind wanting to ask her that.

 

I think it’s three months NC and the general consensus is that sometimes there’ll be these days and that this isn’t a long enough time. I suppose it isn’t. Three months vs a 2.5 year intensely traumatic relationship… should I be over it? I don’t know.

 

I wish I could just know what she was thinking or doing without having to speak to her. When we were together she could be amazingly hurtful and rude and blunt. I do not want to encounter that side of her at this stage.

 

I just want this process to be over. I know I should exercise patience, but it’s just making me feel frustrated. I feel like I should just break NC so that I can know what the hell is going on and then carry on moving on. I’m fed up of doing this.

[clist8511]

I have also been wondering whether I should sign up to online dating - not for a relationship, but just to show my mind that there are other people out there and that this one person isn't all there is. But that is at odds with my six month sabbatical from dating, and I really truly don't want to do that.

[clist8511]

She wouldn’t tell me if she was with someone else, anyway.

 

Her response to me asking if she is with someone would be “I don’t want to talk about that”, or “It’s nothing to do with you”. I know her well enough to know the types of phrases she would use. To hear those from her would only result in more pain.

 

I feel as if she uses phrases like that on purpose, too. She knows that the uncertainty makes me anxious. And it does. I’d only get upset and say, “Look, could you please just be honest with me?” - This is something she did throughout the relationship and during the break up. She seemed to enjoy being in control, holding things over me.

 

I understand that at this stage I am not entitled to know about her love life. I’m not suggesting that she confide in me about every move she makes. I think with NC you go through every possible situation in your head – I know I’m at the stage where I want to know if she’s met someone. I know she’s probably at a different stage. Or she might even think I’ve met someone, I don’t know.

 

This sounds odd but I really wish there was someone that could sit with me or hug me while I broke NC, so that it didn’t hurt as much.

[inmyownworld]

Well, a friend of mine does. They break up and get together, constantly. They feel miserable when they break up, but in the relationship my friend lies or distorts the truth and her BF abuses her verbally. So don't do it, abusers do not change.

 

I know, it's very illogical. From the outside, I'm sure it looks easy to walk away. It's hard to understand, even for myself.

[Minneloa]

Today has been rough, but this week was much better in general. I had such a positive work experience on Wednesday. It lifted my spirits and gave me momentum. I can feel myself regaining interest in life. It doesn't hurt that the weather is gorgeous and the days last longer.

[clist8511]

Nothing's working. I'm at my wits' end. I've literally just broken down in tears because I've tried everything and all I can think about is her. Everything I've done has failed, and now I'm convinced that the answer is just to talk to her. I've tried everything. I still feel horrible. I just want her. I feel so pathetic.

[Art Vandelay]

Nothing's working. I'm at my wits' end. I've literally just broken down in tears because I've tried everything and all I can think about is her. Everything I've done has failed, and now I'm convinced that the answer is just to talk to her. I've tried everything. I still feel horrible. I just want her. I feel so pathetic.

 

Don't do it, you will likely feel much worse after. I don't post much here but I've been following your story and you are doing well. What you have to realize is that getting through a day of NC, where you're not begging and pleading, and generally not doing anything regretful, is a day of progress. What seems like a non-eventful day to you is actually a day of major accomplishment. Stay strong.

[Beachead]

Nothing's working. I'm at my wits' end. I've literally just broken down in tears because I've tried everything and all I can think about is her. Everything I've done has failed, and now I'm convinced that the answer is just to talk to her. I've tried everything. I still feel horrible. I just want her. I feel so pathetic.

 

Remember, we are addicts. Our mind isn't all rational. It will try to fool us into getting our fix back.

 

If you go back, you won't get what you desire. You won't get back together nor will you be friends (If you are unable to truly and genuinely strip away your need for her in your life, it means you cannot be genuine WITH her IN your life).

 

You'll go in there hoping/wishing/expecting and reaching out for your fix and it won't be found in her anymore because that person you knew is gone and this is a different person now. All you'll get is distance from her in every way.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Beachead

[anonymousbear00101100]

Day 10 NC (43 days post-BU)

 

Things have been pretty good the last few days I guess. I'm surprised at how committed I've been to my diet and I'm feeling better pretty consistently throughout the day.

 

I'm sad tonight, though. I only have a few friends and they very rarely go out which is frustrating. I didn't ever use to care because I would rather spend a night in with her. Now I'm just lonely on a Saturday, but I think I'll go to the gym after I finish writing this.

 

I went out to the bars last night with some old friends. A couple very attractive girls tried to get me to dance but I just couldn't do it. It wasn't about my ex or anything, I just felt uncomfortable. The first few weeks I chalked it up to still being newly single, but now I just don't understand why. I go out with intentions to dance and hook up but when the opportunity continually presents itself I get cold feet.

 

My close friends told me this week that they are going to transfer schools after this year. They want me to go with them but they're going to the same area that my ex lives and I don't think I want to do that. I only have a year left of school so I think I'm going to change things up. My plan now is to study abroad and do an internship in London. I've always wanted to do it and I finally have the opportunity. I don't think there is anything left for me here and I want to go somewhere completely new and start over.

[clist8511]

Don't do it, you will likely feel much worse after. I don't post much here but I've been following your story and you are doing well. What you have to realize is that getting through a day of NC, where you're not begging and pleading, and generally not doing anything regretful, is a day of progress. What seems like a non-eventful day to you is actually a day of major accomplishment. Stay strong.

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I really do appreciate it. I hadn't thought that I've been doing well but I suppose it is an achievement of sorts. I am so glad that I do not have her number as I think it would be a lot worse if I did. Thank you again for replying. It really does mean so much.

 

Remember, we are addicts. Our mind isn't all rational. It will try to fool us into getting our fix back.

 

If you go back, you won't get what you desire. You won't get back together nor will you be friends (If you are unable to truly and genuinely strip away your need for her in your life, it means you cannot be genuine WITH her IN your life).

 

You'll go in there hoping/wishing/expecting and reaching out for your fix and it won't be found in her anymore because that person you knew is gone and this is a different person now. All you'll get is distance from her in every way.

 

Everything you have said here is true, and I know this. Add to the mix that she is incredibly difficult to converse with anyway and will more than likely say something blunt (which she did all the time when we were actually TOGETHER), it doesn't look good.

 

I really feel stupid going on about this all the time but LS has proved to be such a safe and open space for me during this time. Thank you Beachead.

[drakon12]

I know, it's very illogical. From the outside, I'm sure it looks easy to walk away. It's hard to understand, even for myself.

But I know how that may feel like. I can't stop thinking about someone who disrespected me and treated me bad. And still I have feelings for her.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Things are still pretty raw. Its will be three months broken up. The day before valentines day. Then what would of been our five year anniversary will be in a month or so time.

 

So i really don't expect myself to feel good.

 

I feel pretty broken is i'm honest. It's scary that i'm now accustomed to feel broken. Used to it now i suppose.

 

On another note. Joined my local meetup group. It for 20/30 years old who socialise. There's a night out(Drinks) tomorrow night. Could be fun and i might meet some new people, hopefully make a friend or two! One problem is myself confidence is pretty low atm. So not sure my mindset is right.

 

Also interest if anyone has done it? But i'm thinking of taking some time off and going travelling for a few weeks. I just wonder if a change of scenery might do the world of good. New places, new experiences, maybe a fling or two ;-)

 

Wonder if when i come back i'll be at terms with things and ready to move forward. I can only hope! lol

 

Hope everyone is good? X

[Beachead]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me, I really do appreciate it. I hadn't thought that I've been doing well but I suppose it is an achievement of sorts. I am so glad that I do not have her number as I think it would be a lot worse if I did. Thank you again for replying. It really does mean so much.

 

 

 

Everything you have said here is true, and I know this. Add to the mix that she is incredibly difficult to converse with anyway and will more than likely say something blunt (which she did all the time when we were actually TOGETHER), it doesn't look good.

 

I really feel stupid going on about this all the time but LS has proved to be such a safe and open space for me during this time. Thank you Beachead.

 

No worries. That's what the community is there for. To offer support, advice, a shoulder to lean on. Whatever is needed. If it wasn't for this forum, I probably would have contacted my ex again myself.

 

I went numb the first 6 weeks after my most recent breakup and began to disintegrate in mood until I was completely depressed in month 3 and 4. Solitude, a therapist, this forum and keeping life simple, I slowly pulled myself back up to a decent state of mind. I still get days that feel like all kinds of h*ll but if I look at my average mood from day 1 to now, I have improved.

 

But do I miss her? Yes. I do.

 

Only thing that stops me from messaging her is remembering that it was her decision to go back to her ex. Her decision to cut me out of her life and she chooses to stay away. If she does come back, it has to be her decision...her idea. Not mine. She has to go full circle through whatever it is she needs to go through. Having said that, I won't wait. I have to move on.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Beachead

[clist8511]

No worries. That's what the community is there for. To offer support, advice, a shoulder to lean on. Whatever is needed. If it wasn't for this forum, I probably would have contacted my ex again myself.

 

This forum has saved many a life, in terms of remaining in NC.

 

I went numb the first 6 weeks after my most recent breakup and began to disintegrate in mood until I was completely depressed in month 3 and 4. Solitude, a therapist, this forum and keeping life simple, I slowly pulled myself back up to a decent state of mind. I still get days that feel like all kinds of h*ll but if I look at my average mood from day 1 to now, I have improved.

 

When you mention solitude - is this refraining from dating alone? Or is this a total withdrawal from everyone? The word 'slowly' is key. Too often people are rushing back to how they think they should be. As I'm learning, these things take time. And perhaps that isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes it's beneficial, when you think you haven't made any progress, to look back and remember just what things were like back then.

 

 

If she does come back, it has to be her decision...her idea. Not mine. She has to go full circle through whatever it is she needs to go through. Having said that, I won't wait. I have to move on.

 

No way. There is no time to waste waiting for someone who chose to exit your life. That is so important. I feel the same. I miss her, but I am not waiting around and I wouldn't lower myself to getting back with her - even though my emotions think they can convince me that I would. I'm so glad to hear about the progress that you're making. You sound very strong and although maybe not entirely pain-free, it's very clear you're on your way forwards.

[Zoolander]

Coming up to around 4 and a half months since break up. 2 months since last contact.

Feel much better than i did before but there is the odd day when my heart says"just contact her" But there's no way I'm going to allow that. The thought of her in a new relationship doesn't bother me as much as it used to. She deleted me off FB at the start of the new year and I made a new instagram account and don't look at her profile, what I don't know can't hurt me

 

But the fact that I feel so much better than i did before gives me great comfort. And this might sound strange but the fact that my life is actually going quite well and she has no idea of the things I'm doing and the plans I have for myself also helps

[Beachead]

This forum has saved many a life, in terms of remaining in NC.

 

 

 

When you mention solitude - is this refraining from dating alone? Or is this a total withdrawal from everyone? The word 'slowly' is key. Too often people are rushing back to how they think they should be. As I'm learning, these things take time. And perhaps that isn't a bad thing at all. Sometimes it's beneficial, when you think you haven't made any progress, to look back and remember just what things were like back then.

 

 

 

 

No way. There is no time to waste waiting for someone who chose to exit your life. That is so important. I feel the same. I miss her, but I am not waiting around and I wouldn't lower myself to getting back with her - even though my emotions think they can convince me that I would. I'm so glad to hear about the progress that you're making. You sound very strong and although maybe not entirely pain-free, it's very clear you're on your way forwards.

 

In the first month, I talked to a few trusted friends. Over time, I didn't want to burn them out but still needed to express myself somehow so I began to journal and watch a lot of self-help videos. Eventually, I returned to loveshack around October when my mood began to really dip. At this point I withdrew from everyone EXCEPT my family who for me were the only people I could truly be myself around without judgement. I didn't even talk to them much but in very small spurts, Maybe 5-10 minutes a day total. At work, I felt exhausted. I just didn't care about anything anymore and all I wanted to do was sleep and be alone. They ended up letting me go beginning of November which was what I honestly needed. Being around everyone and trying to meet their expectations and appease their demands on the daily was simply something I could no longer do. I was out of love to give. I couldn't even put on a strong face anymore. This wasn't just cause of my ex. This was a lot of stuff accumulated over time and my ex was the cherry on top. All I had was enough to get myself out of bed, take a shower, make a cup of coffee, and enjoy a movie or a tv show for myself. The depression was powerful.

 

So in summary, I did confide and keep one or two people close to me but there was also a stage of complete withdrawal and that was simply something I needed to do for myself. It was a healthy move.

 

When we are wounded inside, we must take care of ourselves first. We cannot be there for anyone else until that is completed.

 

Over time though, I naturally started talking to my family more. I'd step out of the house a bit more. Eventually I started going back to the gym. Therapy in between it all helped tremendously. Journaling, Loveshack and outlets of such also helped. And slowly I have begun to rebuild myself one piece at a time and with it, I discover a fraction of improvement in my state of mind each week. Like my previous ex and the 2 years it took to become truly okay with the loss of that relationship, I anticipate this will be somewhat the same. I know myself and forgive myself for the time I will need.

 

With dating, I didn't even bother. With shattered confidence, self-esteem, and incomplete life..I don't feel ready. I can't be there for anyone else unless I am 100% okay on my own. Otherwise, I would most get into a relationship to rid my loneliness and would coincidently damage and dare I say destroy the other person. It's selfish and I wouldn't sleep at night knowing I did that to someone. Having said that..do I wish I was with someone or it had worked out with my ex or my previous ex? Ofcourse. It bothers me. But, this is something I can't allow to get in my head or else it'll mean all my value is placed on the love and acceptance of someone else and that is a one way ticket to depression and self-destruction (Took me nearly 20 years to learn that lesson). I have to mean something and stand strong on my own. Be great on my own. For me, this is the time to get my life together. Finish school, get back to work, take care of things and become self-sufficent and fulfilled.

 

In time, someone new will come. It happened many times before. It'll happen again. When it does, we'll see how it goes then. For now, I'm healing and rebuiding.

 

There are general rules of how to approach NC and healing but really we must tweak it in a way that is right for us.

Edited February 12, 2018 by Beachead

[fieldoflavender]

I'm still withdrawing from my past life that knew about him. I guess it's still pride/shame that I can't have a successful relationship while other people are getting married and having kids. I don't regret the decision - even if I had no clue during it that it was the best thing that could have happened and saved me from a bad marriage and ultimate divorce.

 

But I don't post on Facebook anymore, I don't talk to my "superficial" group of friends, and it takes a bit less for me to cut people off. I only keep a few people who were really there for me. Maybe it's not right but in some ways it's nice to be around refreshing people who never knew he existed.

 

As for dating, I have gone on like 10 more first dates since my break-up. It's like a seasoned game, but meh, I think I am ready to date. I'm just maybe not that ready for a very very serious relationship because there is the fear factor. But there is yet a guy who makes me want to commit that way, so I guess continue at it.

[clist8511]

I just don't think I can do this anymore.

[Fever of love]

I just don't think I can do this anymore.

 

Yes you can! You got it covered, you're well underway. You can do this, I know you can.

 

Chin up!

 

[divegrl]

I just don't think I can do this anymore.

 

I know my friend. I’m right there with you. Just one breath at a time. One moment at a time.

 

You’re not alone. Hugs.

[1fish2fish]

I just don't think I can do this anymore.

 

Yes, you can, and you will.

 

For now, just be. Just being is enough.

 

You have come so far already! You know what follows a low like this? A high. Ride this out and wait for the next high. It's coming.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I realized while I was eating breakfast that I hadn't thought about her from the moment I woke up until then. That might seem small but it was the first time that she wasn't the very first thing on my mind when I woke up. I remember that being a huge step forward after my last breakup.

 

I had a really great morning but I've since felt a bit depressed. When I'm feeling good I start to think that she's probably moving on as well and that brings me down. I know it shouldn't. I really want us both to be happy even if its not with each other.

 

I keep worrying about whether or not we'll be together again in the future. I'm not sure why either because when I think about the actual relationship it hadn't been fun for a long time. I've felt a sense of freedom for the first time in so long. I no longer have to worry about all of her issues and can work on myself and do the things I want. But then I realize she's probably feeling the same and I get sad again.

 

I'm going to commit myself to really only focusing on myself and being alone. I know things will continue getting better for me and when the time comes I will find someone.

[Beachead]

I realized while I was eating breakfast that I hadn't thought about her from the moment I woke up until then. That might seem small but it was the first time that she wasn't the very first thing on my mind when I woke up. I remember that being a huge step forward after my last breakup.

 

I had a really great morning but I've since felt a bit depressed. When I'm feeling good I start to think that she's probably moving on as well and that brings me down. I know it shouldn't. I really want us both to be happy even if its not with each other.

 

I keep worrying about whether or not we'll be together again in the future. I'm not sure why either because when I think about the actual relationship it hadn't been fun for a long time. I've felt a sense of freedom for the first time in so long. I no longer have to worry about all of her issues and can work on myself and do the things I want. But then I realize she's probably feeling the same and I get sad again.

 

I'm going to commit myself to really only focusing on myself and being alone. I know things will continue getting better for me and when the time comes I will find someone.

 

That is a perfect example of the progress I'm talking about. As miniscule as it may feel, it is still progress and it is the first step towards getting better.

 

We may heal completely or we may heal like 70% only and maybe that remainder will only heal up with the love of someone new. But we will heal and that's the point. The journey back from the toughest times is when we'll find opportunity to grow the most in our life because we are emotionally charged. We feel like we got nothing to lose and with that our mind becomes completely open to new possibilities. We are set free. New beginnings. There is opportunity there for us in this state. For all of us.

[Realitysux]

I'm a long time lurker but newly joined. I haven't posted my story yet, and I don't think I am in any shape to give advice, so here goes my first post. This seemed like the right place because, well I'm coping. As my therapist says I'm riding the waves.

 

He strung me along and ghosted me before telling m through a Facebook message, that he found a new girlfriend, and that I should go find someone else who would not let me down immedialty. I was crushed.

 

To make matters worse, his friends are continuously trying to help me move on by insisting I meet someone new and that new love is the only answer.

 

Some days are better then others but his friends reaching out and giving me advice is like constantly stroking my pain with their fingers. I am honestly just trying to move on. Today I ended up on this site after I deleted all my social media. I logged on a dating site for a distraction but that just made me feel worse.

 

I am sorry for what everyone else is going through. Thanks to anyone reading, I just appreciate a place to vent. I have moments when I know he is with someone else and I am waiting for those thoughts to turn into acceptance. If anyone has advice on how to make that happen, I'd accept it. Those thoughts currently hurt. i don't think they would have hurt so much had I been treated much better.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm a long time lurker but newly joined. I haven't posted my story yet, and I don't think I am in any shape to give advice, so here goes my first post. This seemed like the right place because, well I'm coping. As my therapist says I'm riding the waves.

 

He strung me along and ghosted me before telling m through a Facebook message, that he found a new girlfriend, and that I should go find someone else who would not let me down immedialty. I was crushed.

 

To make matters worse, his friends are continuously trying to help me move on by insisting I meet someone new and that new love is the only answer.

 

Some days are better then others but his friends reaching out and giving me advice is like constantly stroking my pain with their fingers. I am honestly just trying to move on. Today I ended up on this site after I deleted all my social media. I logged on a dating site for a distraction but that just made me feel worse.

 

I am sorry for what everyone else is going through. Thanks to anyone reading, I just appreciate a place to vent. I have moments when I know he is with someone else and I am waiting for those thoughts to turn into acceptance. If anyone has advice on how to make that happen, I'd accept it. Those thoughts currently hurt. i don't think they would have hurt so much had I been treated much better.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. My first relationship ended messy with cheating and her having another boyfriend over long distance. It's tough and I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now.

 

You did the right thing by deleting all your social media. There is nothing his friends will say to you that will make you feel better, cutting them off entirely for the time being will help you a lot.

 

Definitely don't worry about being with anyone else right now. It's been about 1.5 months since my breakup and I've been avoiding contact with women entirely. Even if you do manage to meet someone, it won't work out until you're healed anyways. Hookups will make you feel worse as well. Use this time to be 100% alone (other than your friends) and work on yourself.

 

The best thing I can tell you is that it's okay to be sad and lonely and hurt. It took me so long to realize what that meant. When you feel down, just know it doesn't mean you need your ex back. You won't always feel this way and things will get better. Just know that negative emotions don't mean that your breakup was a mistake and that you'll only ever be happy with him. You WILL get better.

 

Also try thinking about living in the moment. That's a really hard one. The past is the past. You can process it, you can learn from it, but you don't need to dwell on it. It won't change. Nobody knows what the future holds so try not to worry about that either. Believe in yourself that you will be okay and one day you will be.

 

Post here when you're lonely or you feel like you need someone to talk to. Write everything out. A lot of those emotions that you can't bare will subside when you write and you'll feel some clarity.