How are you coping today?

[clist8511]

I'm still really up and down. Its really crazy.

 

 

 

I can accept in my mind and i know on paper that we will never get back together.Its a terrible deal for me and it simply wouldnt work. She has gone too far and done to much damage. This i can accept and agree with.

 

 

 

But i also can't fully say that my love and passion for her is still there either. X

 

Always amazes me that so many people can be feeling the same things. I . have these exact thoughts about my ex. I'm not wildly in love with her, but not quite over her. Also, we would never work, and she's gone way too far.

[drakon12]

I sat and wrote a love letter for her. Of course I didn't send it, it was just to get my feelings out there. I'm going NC and she's not breaking it. God, I want to be with her. I want it with all my being but I don't know if it's possible in the future or not. Wish me luck, pray for me. Because I have a rough way in front of me.

[Beachead]

Always amazes me that so many people can be feeling the same things. I . have these exact thoughts about my ex. I'm not wildly in love with her, but not quite over her. Also, we would never work, and she's gone way too far.

 

We do feel the same things. And keeping that thought in mind, I want to add something to it.

 

It's our responsibility to take that negativity thrown at us, burn it, and return the energy to ourselves and others' positively. But most people in our current culture don't do this. They take the easy way out and become reckless as well. Someone hurt them so what do they do? They let all the anger/pain and every make them stop caring about the way they treat others cause at this point, f*ck em. Cheat, lie, use, abandon..they need to get theirs too. Some consciously do this. Most subconsciously. The more people that are out there acting like this means more of the people who don't act like this end up getting hurt. And if the ones who don't become the ones that do, that's a sad moment of life. That's why it is so important for us not let the sh*t that others did to us, break us or make us like this. The only way I know how is to counter the crap we've been through by loving ourselves so that we learn how to accept what is and isn't right for us, accomplish great things, develop confidence and eventually arm ourselves with a strong spirit. This takes a lot of internal reflection but once we have that, we naturally pass this love onto others the way it was supposed to be.

 

Being aware of yourself and your environment and knowing how what you do and say impacts your environment is crucial. We were all babies once and we're all human. We all feel. We hurt. We cry. We make mistakes. Get angry. Even dumpers. They've had their heart broken as well. Maybe not in a relationship, maybe by a friend or a family member but there has been a point in their life and ours where someone has let us down. Despite that, many of us are unable to recognize this connection we share and still continue to do eachother wrong. How such a simple concept eludes so many people out there is the real tragedy. It's why forums like LS have to exist.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Beachead

[clist8511]

I think I'm going to have to come back to LS for a bit. It seemed to help the last time things got a bit painful.

 

I find myself wanting to return to an abusive relationship. I know, after work with my therapist, that this is characteristic of my choice to cope with a bad situation rather than leave it completely for fear of not being able to find better (something I did with my abusive emotionally abusive family). I also know that the feeling of wanting to be around abusive ex comes from the desire to seek her approval (as with family) and thus, me proving to myself (and to her/them) that I'm worth something.

 

I don't feel that I'm worth anything. If I was, wouldn't she have stayed with me? Wouldn't I have a new partner, by now? Wouldn't my life be better without her? It probably IS better without her, I just am unable to see it. That's another reason I can't get in touch. If she is with someone, it will further compound my feelings of not being worth anything.

 

I realise none of this makes sense. No-one in their right mind would go back to someone who did nothing but abuse them. There must be something wrong with me.

 

I wish I knew how long this was going to take. I feel like I'm in limbo of some sort. I'd rather feel that intense pain at the beginning; this feels like nothing, I can't even describe it. I bet she's just moved on to someone else and isn't even thinking about me.

Edited February 7, 2018 by clist8511

[Jsos91]

I feel myself transitioning into a new and unfamiliar territory.

 

I'm going day to day and not thinking about her much. Not only that, but I find myself feeling indifferent about things. I have memories pop up and.. nothing, I feel nothing and I end up moving onto the next thought or I get distracted.

 

The scary part for me now though is that I'm feeling a bit lonely and a bit sad. Not because she's out of my life but, feeling nothing when thinking about her makes me feel alone... its weird to think that thoughts of her kept me company. I'm just not quite sure how to handle it or how to deal with this new group of thoughts and feelings.

 

The positive side to all of this is that I've found myself discovering new hobbies that make me feel good. I've started to practice yoga and I've started reading as much as I can. These things make me feel more whole and happy... I know I'm still dealing with depression but, I'm doing my best and I'm hoping I can still transition through all of this onto a brighter day.

 

She becomes more and more of a stranger with every passing day.

[Beachead]

I think I'm going to have to come back to LS for a bit. It seemed to help the last time things got a bit painful.

 

I find myself wanting to return to an abusive relationship. I know, after work with my therapist, that this is characteristic of my choice to cope with a bad situation rather than leave it completely for fear of not being able to find better (something I did with my abusive emotionally abusive family). I also know that the feeling of wanting to be around abusive ex comes from the desire to seek her approval (as with family) and thus, me proving to myself (and to her/them) that I'm worth something.

 

I don't feel that I'm worth anything. If I was, wouldn't she have stayed with me? Wouldn't I have a new partner, by now? Wouldn't my life be better without her? It probably IS better without her, I just am unable to see it. That's another reason I can't get in touch. If she is with someone, it will further compound my feelings of not being worth anything.

 

I realise none of this makes sense. No-one in their right mind would go back to someone who did nothing but abuse them. There must be something wrong with me.

 

I wish I knew how long this was going to take. I feel like I'm in limbo of some sort. I'd rather feel that intense pain at the beginning; this feels like nothing, I can't even describe it. I bet she's just moved on to someone else and isn't even thinking about me.

 

It's just the normal cycles of ups and downs in grief that take you from sad, anger, happiness, indifference. Took me 2 years to get over my previous ex. 2 long years. I know it's like "Wow that's a long time" but it's the time I needed at that particular stage of my life. I thought there as something wrong with me too. But as time passed, I found myself clearer, stronger, better. Lot of people forget how it feels to be heartbroken and say things like "You should be over this by now." No, you get over it when you get over it. Just don't let yourself stay flat on your face. Even in your defeat, you can still do plenty good for yourself like letting your feelings be free and embracing them, experiencing them, learning from them.

 

Being numb, indifferent/apathetic about things in life is part of our grief. Kind of feels like we are drugged up on painkillers and floating through the days yea? There is nothing wrong with you at all.

 

Continue to work through you thoughts. Concentrate on the negatives of your ex and the relationship to remind you of why it ended and write them down so you can read it over and over again when you cycle back to this state which you will. All the times they upset you, all the times they made you angry. Why they made you feel like this. Realize that there was no way for either of you two to change and become whom you both wanted to be within that relationship at that period of time and thus the only way for changes to happen was to break up and be apart. That relationship was not meant to last. You miss what you wanted it to be, rather than what it was.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Beachead

[CantTakeMySmile]

I am sad today. No fancy words or epiphanies... just sad. Getting ready to go out of town again... actually to the last place you and I went...oh well... tomorrow is a new day. Today I am sad.

[Fever of love]

I have come to the realization that the standard model grief cycle- denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance, or whatever it is, doesn't quite fit with the heartbreak experience-

 

Because it misses the essential element of 'betrayal!'

 

Anyway hope everyone's keeping on keeping on.

 

I gotta say I do wonder why the grief cycle kicks in upon the betrayal of a partner, it doesn't really make any kind of physical or psychological sense. I mean, no-ones died, have they?

 

I suppose it could because in the ancient world, the most common way to lose your spouse would be cave bear attack or something, and so when they are gone, our DNA triggers the grief process.

 

The evolutionary biologists also reckon that men are wired to 'serve and protect' exes long after they've gone, because of course in the ancient world, exes meant children, and so you're protecting your own genes by continuing to protect their mother.

 

Even if she betrayed you with the neighboring troglodyte.

 

I feel a bit of that. I'm worried about my ex right now. Its a difficult thing to explain, its seems irrational, so maybe the evolutionary bio guys are right and I'm just somehow wired that way.

 

Which means I'm stuck worrying about her FOREVER haha.

[maybejune]

...The only way I know how is to counter the crap we've been through by loving ourselves so that we learn how to accept what is and isn't right for us, accomplish great things, develop confidence and eventually arm ourselves with a strong spirit. This takes a lot of internal reflection but once we have that, we naturally pass this love onto others the way it was supposed to be.

 

Being aware of yourself and your environment and knowing how what you do and say impacts your environment is crucial. We were all babies once and we're all human. We all feel. We hurt. We cry. We make mistakes. Get angry. Even dumpers. They've had their heart broken as well. Maybe not in a relationship, maybe by a friend or a family member but there has been a point in their life and ours where someone has let us down. Despite that, many of us are unable to recognize this connection we share and still continue to do each other wrong. How such a simple concept eludes so many people out there is the real tragedy. It's why forums like LS have to exist.

 

Well said. We need self-confidence to protect ourselves, to prioritize our own interests, to be vocal about our needs and standards, to say no to mistreatment, and if needed walk away ASAP. (I still remember when Beachead replied to me I should prioritize myself, it alerted me: I cared more of my ex than myself , so I had always chosen to compromise for 'us' to be together.)

 

We (speaking of myself) need to know what a healthy relationship is like, how I'd like to be treated, and let potential partners know how our standard. We will need to compromise, but never let others cross the line.

 

Family relationship and past relationships -- friendship, work relationship, and romantic relationship-- shape our understanding of relationship, we have been subconsciously learning and calibrating since we were kids. If coming from an abusive family, it's possible one would not know s/he should be treated well with love, care and respect. If unfortunately friends in the past had been mean and bully to us, we could have accepted that as a norm. That is probably another reason that when we were in a toxic relationship, we couldn't see how bad it was until we are out of it.

 

I wish, when we are back into a relationship, from time to time, we all could remain calm and look at the relationship a little more objectively, pay enough attention to ourselves (people here on LS seem less likely to be selfish, my observation) and understand our feelings -- if we are happy and what makes us not happy etc.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I'm just lonely today. Parts of my day were good but there's been an underlying feeling of sadness. I know that if she was here we'd probably just be arguing or distant anyways.

 

The last couple days I've committed to improving myself. I've eaten very healthy, started taking care of my skin, stepped up the intensity at the gym. I'm noting the things I don't like about myself so I can work to change them.

 

I'm not sure what I can do for the boredom and loneliness. I wish things were back to the way they were when our relationship as good.

[fieldoflavender]

I miss the closeness and comfort of having someone in a relationship. But we can't just remember the good or just the bad. It's the whole package and there is a reason they left us or vice versa or that you're not with them anymore. The whole package did not work. Doesn't mean there weren't good things.

 

Meh rarely I don't hate him as much, but overall I think what he did was unforgivable.

 

It's just so hard to find someone new, but I would rather be more careful.

[NomiMalone]

Day 22

 

Last night he sent me a text to ask how I was going, and it made me so sad. It breaks my heart that he's hurting and alone in our old home. I cried so much last night.

 

Today, for the first time, I confided in my close friend XXXXXXXX about the possible cheating. I asked him whether he thinks I owe it to my ex-partner to be honest about what I found. His advice was that if I came clean about what I found, and requested answers, it would only hurt me even more. He said it's best not to find out, best to just go stone cold NC, and that one day, whether he cheated or not wouldn't matter anymore.

 

I'm so grateful for my friends and for my mum who have been there for me. I'm so fortunate to have them.

[maybejune]

I miss my imaginary boyfriend. He was not real to me.

[divegrl]

I’m in a cycle of a couple of good days, then a couple of bad.

 

During the bad days, I would like to reach out to him. Or check his social media. But I haven’t. Even though at that moment I feel horrible and awful, I know checking in on him would be a million times worse.

 

The crazy thing is I was over this guy; and had completely moved on. But then we got back together, and I feel silly that I have to do this healing process all over again.

 

But the good days, well they have just been amazing. The days when I feel free, just enjoying life. They keep me strong, and hopeful.

[drakon12]

Today, my hopes to get back with her got more and more bleak, so I could see the pain and hurt hiding behind that hope. I tell you, it hurts. It's like somebody's giving papercuts to your heart over and over again. Since I've quit smoking and porn/masturbation, I stopped numbing myself so I let myself go today. I cried. I cried nonstop. At some time, tears wouldn't come out but I still cried. Felt a little better since I discharged my emotions but it still hurts. I'm thinking, am I clinging on a silly hope? Or will everything work out in the end? I don't know. I desperately want to know but I how can I.

[whatnot]

I gotta say I do wonder why the grief cycle kicks in upon the betrayal of a partner, it doesn't really make any kind of physical or psychological sense. I mean, no-ones died, have they?

:

 

Too lazy to google it ... but ... yes, betrayal does create it's own unique set of physiological ... physical....changes and reactions in the body that breaking up for other reasons do not do.

 

Because someone betrayed you doesn't mean that you do not still care...(or even love them, for that matter).

 

Betrayal is an action.....not a person. There's a difference.

[Cora]

I’m doing ok today.

 

I’ve kind of just been numb to my feelings lately....not really feeling at all. Since my New Years resolution was to give up on love, I really haven’t missed dating or had the urge to. My online dating profile has been taken down for two months now. Online dating made me feel sick to my stomach anyway. I no longer have dreams of finding someone special and I’ve accepted the fact that my life was meant for me and me alone. It’s easier this way. Less heartache... This way I can’t be used, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, ghosted etc. Well there is a much lesser chance of it at least.

 

I’ll never forget when I was a teenager, I wrote this letter about finding my soulmate and all the qualities I wanted him to have and how I wanted to get married and have all these kids. I kept that letter hidden in my bedroom, but my mother found it one day and read every word aloud in front of me and just laughed. I instantly felt so ashamed, embarrassed and mostly just plain silly. Looking back perhaps it was silly and foolish to hope for such a thing. I should have ended my search for love right then and there. Could have saved myself years of heartache and pain.

 

I have this coworker who just recently graduated college. She’s a very young and sweet girl. Full of hopes and dreams of the future. She reminds me of myself somewhat at that age. She is actually engaged to be married this June. She and her fiancé were high school sweethearts.....they were each other’s firsts everything. I imagine it must be nice to find love at such a young age....to be spared years of searching, longing, broken hearts, mister wrongs etc. But then I also wonder if you truly know what you want at that age? Or does it take time....years of sorting through different partners, trial and errors, ups and downs etc.? I dunno... Anyway, this coworker is constantly talking about the wedding and all the planning for it...the cake, the dress, how she’s going to wear her hair, the honeymoon etc. How she wants exactly four kids and how they are going to start trying right away because she wants to have all her children before the age of 30. And for a brief moment I have waves of envy....being in my mid thirties and nowhere near the point in life where she is......but then I remind myself that life doesn’t always turn out like you envisioned or hoped....you’re not entitled to the life you wanted....and what’s meant to be will be. Besides, the years I spent searching for love left me unhappy and with many broken hearts. Finally giving up on it all makes me feel free instead of constantly worrying that I’ll never meet my perfect match and having the stress of hearing my biological clock ticking away. Life is as it should be now. Some things are still raw and every now and then I’ll get sad for everything I’m missing out on and will never have, but overall it’s very freeing.

 

I do however feel like I’m just existing....not really living. I just go through the motions. Not necessarily looking forward to anything. Just savoring the time I have left with family and loved ones. Some days it hits me as a sad and pathetic life, but other days I’m fine and actually feel joy and fulfilled. I know it will take time to get used to, but I’ll get there eventually. Just been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting...

[wishyouneverleft]

I cried all day today. It feels like I'm going backwards. I even cried in the shower just imagining what I would tell her if I see her again, also reminiscing about the moments that truly made me feel she was the one.

[Beachead]

We will all heal as time passes. How much time? Well, that depends on us. Will we heal fully? Again, that depends on us. We may, we may not. It's a let it be kind of thing.

 

It's unfathomable right now but there will be a day, someone will catch our interest. Years later perhaps. We won't be looking because we'll be living our life. A post breakup life lived by a new us that will now be filled with new characters, new environments, new everything; a life different from the one we lived when our ex were around. Through it, this feeling will come out of nowhere. Whether we want it to happen or not is irrelevant. I can't say they will feel the same way, I can't say we or then will act on it if it's a mutual feeling. I can't say it would work out. But, I can say with 100% certainty it will happen. And just as everything will be new and different in this new life..this feeling will arrive to us in a new way as well.

 

In our own time

Edited February 9, 2018 by Beachead

[inmyownworld]

It's been 5 weeks and I'm still in limbo. I can't stop thinking I should get back together with him, but who gets back with an abuser? Ugh!

[drakon12]

It's been 5 weeks and I'm still in limbo. I can't stop thinking I should get back together with him, but who gets back with an abuser? Ugh!

Well, a friend of mine does. They break up and get together, constantly. They feel miserable when they break up, but in the relationship my friend lies or distorts the truth and her BF abuses her verbally. So don't do it, abusers do not change.

[NomiMalone]

Day 24

 

Last night I dreamt about him for the first time in about 2 weeks. In the dream, I was with him and his young daughter on a university campus in a foreign country. I'd gone off on my own to find a bathroom, but somehow got lost on my way back. I ran deeper and deeper into the campus, desperately trying to find my way back to the 2 of them. I kept thinking of them waiting there for me, wondering where I was. There were lots of others but not many spoke English. When I finally spotted people who looked touristy, I ran to them and asked if they spoke English. It was then that I woke up.

 

I can't stop thinking about the image of him and his daughter in the dream, waiting and waiting for me, wondering, and of me not being able to find my way back to them. I can't stop crying as I type this. I feel so guilty for having left him.

Edited February 10, 2018 by NomiMalone

[Jsos91]

Well, I'm feeling lonely tonight. Makes sense since I'm hanging out at home on a Friday.

 

Problem being, as soon as I start to feel lonely I start to think of her. My mind drifts to negative thinking, like how I should be married right now and even if I was at home on a Friday night, we'd probably be cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. It was the simple things that made me happiest... mostly because I was amazed that the simplest things with her could make me feel the best. Watching a movie by myself right now is just depressing and I just cant help but think this isn't the way my life was supposed to have gone and I miss my old life. I know its negative thinking and I know its just the headspace I'm in right now. It's so frustrating that I'll probably wake up tomorrow morning and feel completely differently. I feel like I'm on the same roller coaster of emotions I was on months ago but the ups and downs are less extreme and don't last quite as long. I'm just ready to get off this thing already...

[1fish2fish]

10 months post break up with The Addict. I'm doing well, except this past week I've been dreaming about him! wtf???? I've never dreamt about him before and this is driving me nuts! In all 3 dreams, he's either acting like a dick to me (normal) or is with some other woman. In the dreams, I'm always in close proximity either camping or traveling or something - where I can watch him.

 

This is ridiculous. he doesn't deserve anymore headspace.

[clist8511]

It's just the normal cycles of ups and downs in grief that take you from sad, anger, happiness, indifference. Took me 2 years to get over my previous ex. 2 long years. I know it's like "Wow that's a long time" but it's the time I needed at that particular stage of my life. I thought there as something wrong with me too. But as time passed, I found myself clearer, stronger, better.

 

I don’t think two years is a long time. You obviously needed that time to process everything and to have rushed yourself would have meant not being authentic about your healing.

 

Being numb, indifferent/apathetic about things in life is part of our grief. Kind of feels like we are drugged up on painkillers and floating through the days yea? There is nothing wrong with you at all.

 

It feels exactly like that; floating through the days and as if I’m depersonalised, not sure what’s going on or who I am, sometimes not even recognising myself in the mirror (“Is that me? Is that what I really look like?”)

 

Continue to work through you thoughts. Concentrate on the negatives of your ex and the relationship to remind you of why it ended and write them down so you can read it over and over again when you cycle back to this state which you will. All the times they upset you, all the times they made you angry. Why they made you feel like this. Realize that there was no way for either of you two to change and become whom you both wanted to be within that relationship at that period of time and thus the only way for changes to happen was to break up and be apart. That relationship was not meant to last. You miss what you wanted it to be, rather than what it was.

 

Thank you for that last paragraph. I find your advice and support to be very helpful and thoughtful. I will do what you have suggested. And you’re right. At the beginning it was almost perfect - I miss that and I miss a fantasy.