NomiMalone Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 Day 18 Last night and this morning were so hard. I missed him terribly, and couldn't stop crying. Today, for the first time since I moved out, I spoke to him on the phone. He was critical, accusatory and angry. This is normal behaviour from him, and once again, I let it go, as he was clearly hurting as much as I was. But his irrationality and aggression reminded me of what I disliked about our relationship, and in a sense, gave me a strange sense of closure and calm. Never again will I have to deal with the anger, the lack of empathy, with the waitresses and receptionists, with not knowing. The hardest thing for me to accept, is that there are things beyond our control, things we can't change. I feel so bad for him, as I think underneath all this insecurity and anger, he's a beautiful person who's got so much going for him. I forgive him for everything, and genuinely wish him all the happiness in the world, that he deserves. 2
NomiMalone Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 Yesterday at the bar, a hot young guy gave me a piece of paper with his number. It's funny the way life works out. 3
maybejune Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 Yesterday at the bar, a hot young guy gave me a piece of paper with his number. It's funny the way life works out. We have to kick out those wrong people out of our lives, in order to let the maybe right people in. My thought this morning, hope I can keep it longer, so I won't miss him. 2
divegrl Posted February 4, 2018 Posted February 4, 2018 He was in my dreams last night. I have not been thinking about him. Crazy how the subconscious takes a while to process and let go. 2
anonymousbear00101100 Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 I was having a really fun day before I saw some girl's post at the beach that she lives by. Even people where I'm from go vacation a block from her home. We've been broken up for 38 days. I don't even know why I'm so sad. I miss her so much. I miss our dog. I don't want to be with anyone but her. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. Everything is miserable.
NomiMalone Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 Day 19 This morning I checked out of the hotel and moved into my new flat. I went shopping for new sheets and pillows and other house stuff. Normally, I love picking out new sheets and towels, but today I didn't find any of it enjoyable. It felt like a chore I had to get over and done with, and I felt guilty splashing out on new things for myself. When I went back to the flat, I suddenly felt so homesick, and couldn't stop crying. I hate my life now. All there is is sadness and I miss him so bad. But I have to continue being strong, because there's no other option.
NomiMalone Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 Next time around I'll make better, more informed choices. I cannot afford the emotional, physical and financial toll of another breakup like this, nor do I want any partner of mine to ever feel like this. 4
anonymousbear00101100 Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 Day 39 (Day 5 NC) I realized this morning that I shoot myself in the foot on the weekends. Weekdays I stay busy between classes, the gym, work, etc. This morning I woke up early, made coffee and a healthy breakfast, and now the outlook for my day seems really positive. My weekends, however, have been filled with too much alcohol and poor financial decisions involving unhealthy food. I come down from being drunk only to realize I'm still alone, just more bloated and with less money than before. I finally understand how alcohol works as a depressant. I think I really need to commit to being healthy, even on the weekends. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going backwards in my progress. 3
Happy Lemming Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 When I went back to the flat, I suddenly felt so homesick, and couldn't stop crying. I hate my life now. What about putting some artwork on the walls?? Or putting out some of your knick-knacks?? Set up a new favorite "curl-up" spot for reading a great book or watching a comedy movie. Make your new place more "homey"! 1
wishyouneverleft Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 I truly feel for you my friend and I'm there with you getting through things. Never forget, healing will take time and we heal when we heal. Might even take a year or more. FB, Instagram, Snapchat etc. truly a giant online playground for exes to rub their "Amazing" lives in our face. The only reason I unblocked my ex on FB was to face my fears and see some picture of her and her ex together. It felt like death but it ended being the point from which I actually began rebuilding myself from. I'm not anywhere near 100% yet and I still cycle through my emotions but it's not as intense as it once was. Back in August, my nightmare was I'd lose her and she'd move onto someone else and never come back. And within the 6 months that followed, I faced it all. There's not much else to fear anymore and not really anymore pain she can put me through. And now you've seen the worst as well. I believe this will be the point from which you rebuild also. You're not alone! We're all here supporting each other while we work through our melancholy states. I believe eastern religions, primarily Buddhism has it right with the fact we must first embrace ourselves, learn to seek refuge within, only to come back after that and learn to operate in the woven interdependent fabric that society works in. Although I am a bit of a hypocrite the way I handled my breakup, every evening when I'm not with anyone, I do allow the sadness to course through my body and the feeling of solitude. No matter how much people I have around me, who I am with in a relationship, I always feel alone. The only one I ever felt connected on such a deep level was my ex.She was the only one that I felt understood me and saw the world like I did. So I'm back to embracing solitude, embracing the fact no one will ever understand me, and I don't mean this in an extreme dramatic way. Since childhood from parents, to friends, to relatives, I was always judged in a negative way; doubted in things that I proposed or ways I tried to accomplish goals. It wasn't until they saw the results and the fruits of my endeavors that they finally understood me, congratulated me beyond belief, some even tried to take credit for supporting me along the way. Its always been this way. I hope this has given you a little glimmer of hope and wish you the best. Especially since we both lived a bit of a similar situation. 1
StrangerThanFiction Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 I can say in confidence that I'm pretty much over the guy who ghosted me two months ago. I still think about him sometimes, but there is no more pain or resentment associated with it and I don't feel the heart wrenching longing I used to anymore. I started seeing someone regularly a couple weeks ago. It started as what I believed to be just a one night stand but when we ran into each other a few weeks later at a mutual friend's party we both admitted that half the reason we went was that we were hoping to see each other again. He's intelligent, contacts me regularly, wants to spend a lot of time with me, is thoughtful, shares the same twisted humour I do, and we match well in the bedroom. We haven't made our relationship official but we have an agreement that we are sexually exclusive. I've thought a few times about talking to him about making our relationship more substantial but I don't think I'm quite ready for that. Blame it on commitment issues or whatever, but the thought of changing our relationship to something with titles makes me panic a bit. I've been single, more or less, for quite some time now and I just don't think I'm ready to quite let go of that freedom yet. I'm not talking about the freedom to go out and sleep with other people or anything like that because I've always been the one guy at a time type of chick...I'm talking about the freedom from the pressure of trying to make it work. Put that way it makes me sound lazy or selfish, I know, and I'm not expressing how I feel very well but it's along those lines. It's so stupid because this is what I thought I wanted. Someone who wants to talk to me every day, someone who wants to see me a lot. But right now I just feel a little overwhelmed and unsure of how to proceed. All our mutual friends already act like we're in a relationship and invite us together to events. I just don't know. Maybe my gut's trying to tell me that he isn't right for me, or maybe it's my own greatest enemy (me) trying to sabotage something that could be really good. All I can do is wait and see, I guess. 2
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 5, 2018 Posted February 5, 2018 Went on my first informal date today.(We just went for coffee) She the women i've been talking to for the last couple of weeks. I've found being really honest about things and my overall intention quite refreshing. I told her that i'm looking for friendship first and if anything happens after that then great. But at least i would of made a new friend. She was really cool. We got on great. She's really attractive. And i was quite excited by her. But still not sure just yet. It was the most normal that i have felt in months. And it did show me that there are other people in the world. I suppose i had forgotten that fact. I'd made the decision to start living my life as much as i can. Just go for it. Then she text me asking if i was free. I wasn't sure at first, but then i thought to myself go for it. So i have at least made a start on that. One more thing. Driving home i saw my Ex's car driving past. Did upset me. Not going to lie. The world is so strange sometimes. Seen her 5 times in 4 months. Then see her today of all days. Just when i didn't want to see her.
NomiMalone Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 Day 20 Today I woke up feeling like I turned a corner. The new environment of the new flat has made a huge difference. I caught up with a girl friend before work and was able to update her on the break up without breaking into tears. At times throughout the day, I even felt a tinge of excitement about what the future brings, and the promise I've made to myself to truly make the most of it. Tonight I'm going to sign up to play a sport. Maybe sometimes, people come into our lives simply to teach us a lesson we needed to learn. 7
clist8511 Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 Day 20 Maybe sometimes, people come into our lives simply to teach us a lesson we needed to learn. This is often the case. I always thought this was a cliche, but it's true.
maybejune Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 This is often the case. I always thought this was a cliche, but it's true. Agree. Those lessons are hard to learn without 'practice' aka heartbroken time. For me, I want to know why I attracted him, so I will change and won't attract/ love wrong person any more. 2
neverenough Posted February 6, 2018 Posted February 6, 2018 One month. Break up and NC. The worst day and full of surprises. Went for a coffee with a mutual friend told me that he has started to see other people. Cried for a few hours. Got a message from him after not hearing anything from him for a month. Said that he knows that he wasn't fair or nice and will always care. I thanked him, told him I was sorry for everything that went wrong and that I still love him and that I will block him so I can move on. I hope he'll never find this forum and read my entries. I blocked him and I am now ready to move on properly. No more hope, no more trying too hard to be happy and lying to myself. This day was full of surprises and ****. Maybe I should stay off websites like theese. I really need to move on. 1
CrazyKatLady Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 I am tired of living in fear or living in pain because of my ex. He put his hands on me on Christmas on top of all the other cruddy things I went through, so it really doesn't matter...it was his way of making sure I never came back...I didn't report him at school, someone else did when I became distressed and tried to see about withdrawing in the registrars office. After that, the gates holding back the flood opened wide and the waters poured forth. I didn't even realize I was holding it all in for so long, I had gotten used to it just to maintain function for 6 months-I suppose I picked up that habit from him. But that is not me, its not good to hold stuff in, it will rip your soul open. I have been so worried about him hating me for his hurting...he already disliked everything about me when we were around each other, and I feel deserving of his hatred...but I am not. I did the best I could and loved him. To the point I still feel guilty and like my life should be wiped out. I am tired of fighting this energy vampire. I cared. I understand him. I don't judge him. But I can't keep torturing myself when he walked away and I can't talk to him. I never meant for him to be so hurt because I loved him and wanted to be with him...how was I supposed to know he didn't care too. But, I get it now and I can live with that type of rejection--eventually...it sucks but life goes on...doesn't he get it? I am going to have to stop letting him hurt me...I never would have willingly done that to him, and for times that I did, I was wrong, I just didn't know how wrong, and I apologize with all my heart...it was never my intention to hurt him when I must have...I have to move forward, I would do anything to make it better--for him, if he ever needed that from me. If I said I loved him, I meant it, and it doesn't just end with him walking away, it doesn't change how special I knew he was, and so I would be coping better if I could remove these ties to fear and pain. He doesn't want me, but I haven't stopped yet, giving up a bit of hope, but I could if I could just truly know he meant it...even though I do because he is gone. Is it ok for me to move on, in all ways except where love is concerned...he deserved the best from me, I will grieve him with the appropriate amount of time he deserved, because I meant it when I said I loved him... 1
Beachead Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 You're not alone! We're all here supporting each other while we work through our melancholy states. I believe eastern religions, primarily Buddhism has it right with the fact we must first embrace ourselves, learn to seek refuge within, only to come back after that and learn to operate in the woven interdependent fabric that society works in. Although I am a bit of a hypocrite the way I handled my breakup, every evening when I'm not with anyone, I do allow the sadness to course through my body and the feeling of solitude. No matter how much people I have around me, who I am with in a relationship, I always feel alone. The only one I ever felt connected on such a deep level was my ex.She was the only one that I felt understood me and saw the world like I did. So I'm back to embracing solitude, embracing the fact no one will ever understand me, and I don't mean this in an extreme dramatic way. Since childhood from parents, to friends, to relatives, I was always judged in a negative way; doubted in things that I proposed or ways I tried to accomplish goals. It wasn't until they saw the results and the fruits of my endeavors that they finally understood me, congratulated me beyond belief, some even tried to take credit for supporting me along the way. Its always been this way. I hope this has given you a little glimmer of hope and wish you the best. Especially since we both lived a bit of a similar situation. Thank you man. I appreciate the response. Might be a surprise to you but I was actually born and raised in a Buddhist household so I know what you mean. There are a lot of applicable ideas from the philosophy that I apply to my everyday and I study it in sips as I continue to experience and develop questions in my life. Right now, I feel more like how I was back in December. I've been keeping to my goals and staying on track in my life but I have been dealing with an influx of anxiety which has been bringing on some strong negative emotions. Comes from the anticipation of her and her ex likely getting engaged this year..most likely this month. Had a few dreams of her in the past few weeks. I still catch myself passing by places or hearing something that triggers flashbacks. It's been happening more lately than before. I'm not sure why but there is still a part me that wishes for her to reach out again even I wouldn't even know what I would do if she did. It's all pointless and fruitless anyway so what I just want is for this whole thing to be done and over with so I can move on for good.
Cora Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 I’m merely existing... Had a thought today. In my past I’ve dated some not so great guys. Ones I knew from the start were no good for me. Not of the decent type. Then there was my ex who was that one in a million. Decent, kind, loving...etc. The type of guy you’d always hoped to be with. That saying “there’s only a few good ones left.” He was one of those few. I felt it an honor to be able to call him mine. Like it was too good to be true. But now I just wonder, because of the ****ty way he chose to leave me, does that now put him in the category of guys who aren’t decent and never were to begin with? Perhaps I truly never have been with a decent guy. Perhaps the right girl is what makes a guy decent or at least makes him want to portray to her that he is. However, if he’s only decent to the right girl for him, then doesn’t that just contradict decency? Pondering tonight... 1
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 Speaking to friend about things. She told how she felt after her last break up. What struck me was when she spoke about feeling like she was in "limbo" For a long while after. That's really how i feel. I am doing things. I moving on. But i did still feel like i'm in limbo. Good news is she now completely over it, she can laugh when she thinks about it(Guy left to be with a married woman, who had a kid. They've since at a kid. Bullet dodged!). Said things turned out for the best. I think deep down, it will be for the best. I know on paper and in my head it simply wont work. She done too much damage. Heart still says something else.... That to me is the "limbo..." Hope everyone is good? X 1
clist8511 Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 I really expected to feel more fire inside me once I started to get over the initial pain, but I just feel empty. I feel at times like I might as well just contact her; even if it hurts, it's something. I thought I'd be excited about where my life is heading, who I might meet, the freedom of not being with someone who hurt me regularly. Instead, I just feel like returning to her, dumbing myself down, stepping back into a submissive role for her - just so I can have her. I just expected to feel a lot more positive, but I don't, really.
Beachead Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 (edited) 6 Months Post BU. My well-being on average has improved. Ups and Downs are still there though less frequent and less extreme which means my general state of mind is leveling out. I'm clearer. Having said that, Ups and Downs being there means I still struggle. These days it's a consisten down because of a very particular situation that I am not looking forward to experiencing but eventually will. Triggers my anxiety. I can counter it for the most part via work outs in the gym and focusing on my goals but overall, I can't fully shut my anxiety down. Nothing I can do about it except continue to live my life and ride this year out one day at a time. I already know it will take me the rest of this year to heal from the damage she delivered to me last August and that's the way it'll be. The love was strong and so it will die slow. The nature of the beast. Accept what is and let go...accept..let go...accept...let go... Edited February 7, 2018 by Beachead 3
clist8511 Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 I feel like I am in danger of contacting her. I've become blind to what the facts are, and I feel like I'm projecting my reality onto her because there is no alternative (as in, I don't know ANYTHING about her life so I can imagine all sorts of scenarios). I feel that contacting her wouldn't be that bad, despite the fact that it would be a terrible decision. Keep wishing she'd reach out to me and actually starting to feel envious of those that receive 'breadcrumbs'. Feel disappointed with how life is, was expecting more excitement and hope. Hoping that she misses me too and all that stupid stuff. This is such a contrast to the angry message I typed out on here a few days ago. It's either anger, sadness or indifference. I wish I knew how long this was going to last. I feel really bored and lonely most of the time.
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted February 7, 2018 Posted February 7, 2018 6 Months Post BU. My well-being on average has improved. Ups and Downs are still there though less frequent and less extreme which means my general state of mind is leveling out. I'm clearer. Having said that, Ups and Downs being there means I still struggle. These days it's a consisten down because of a very particular situation that I am not looking forward to experiencing but eventually will. Triggers my anxiety. I can counter it for the most part via work outs in the gym and focusing on my goals but overall, I can't fully shut my anxiety down. Nothing I can do about it except continue to live my life and ride this year out one day at a time. I already know it will take me the rest of this year to heal from the damage she delivered to me last August and that's the way it'll be. The love was strong and so it will die slow. The nature of the beast. Accept what is and let go...accept..let go...accept...let go... I'm still really up and down. Its really crazy. Last couple of days i've had that thought "Im free" and feelings of being excited about doing new things and the future. Hopefully its a good sign. I can accept in my mind and i know on paper that we will never get back together.Its a terrible deal for me and it simply wouldnt work. She has gone too far and done to much damage. This i can accept and agree with. My heart and feeling... Not sure. Can't fully accept it yet. But i also can't fully say that my love and passion for her is still there either. X 1
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