neverenough Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I couldn't agree more with the last part. It drives me crazy how many people stay in relationships until they find someone else as a safety net, its incredibly selfish. I've had it happen twice to me now and I don't think people truly understand the damage and trauma it causes until they have it happen to them. I have such a respect for people who can get out when they're unhappy without having someone lined up immediately afterwards. A lot of people are selfish without even knowing it. Sometimes they do it unintentionally. If you love someone then you should be able to let that person walk away and find their happiness. I know that we are all hurt but there is so much to learn from a break up. Maybe paths will cross, maybe not but never ever would I try to manipulate someone into coming back or staying with me for a bit longer so I could be back in my comfort zone. But that's just my opinion. 1
MeadowFlower Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Yes ofcourse. Don't have to ask. I had tried to, but it wouldn't allow it. 1
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I cried after working out today. The first time in a couple of weeks. Two steps forward, one step back... at least I am still moving forward. But, damn, I still just wish you would be home when I got off work today... so we could have dinner and hang out. I miss you so very much. Not coping as well as I would like today.
Happy Lemming Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 Not coping as well as I would like today. There will be good days and bad days, cherish the good days; they'll help with the bad.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I so agree with you! That's what I thought today. For me it is hard to seperate and accept all my emotions but in the end, when I feel normal or okay through the day, I realise that I had a wonderfull RS with my ex boyfriend. I was a happy single before and I will be after but I agree with you that it fullfills us more on a deeper level. I enjoyed the small things the most and I appreciated them a lot. Of course everybody can be happy on their own but I have the feeling that the modern society forces us to be happy with ourself all the time and to grow and what not. I don't like this way of thinking because in my oppinion people are (usually, ideally) born and raised in families and develop in relationships/friendships their whole life. I experienced also that a lot people in my culture expect me to detest my ex BF and only see his bad sides because he broke up with me. It's his life too ... why wouldn't he do this if he was unhappy or depressed and wanted to be on his own. Of course I feel sad and broken. Of course I wanted to help but it didn't work out. It angers me so much that people don't realise that he was a big part of my life for a long time and that I truly love him. With that I accept and respect his decision. I dislike this childish idea of turning him into a bad person and talking badly about him. This was something I wanted to write down for a while now. This is what I am dealing with today... that I don't think of him as somebody who did something bad. He made the best decision he could at the moment and for the long run. It makes me even love him more because he had the guts to walk away and give each of us a chance for something new or better. A lot of people cheat or stay in a bad RS out of fear because at some point they wanted to break up but were to scared. I respect it a lot when someone is able to walk away at the right time. (sry my english bad) I love all of this. My friends, family, people in general just don't understand. I tell them that we broke up and they treat me as a victim, as if something unjust has happened to me. They try to get me to talk bad about her or disparage her. It's just not like that and I'm glad I've found people who think of it similarly. I have no anger or resentment for her. She had the courage to initiate something incredibly difficult but necessary. I'm proud of her in a way; I don't know if I ever could have done it. It was obvious in the last month of the relationship that things weren't working for either of us and we needed change. I'm not sure if there is ever a perfect time for a breakup but we were about as close to it as possible. Had we gone any longer the feelings probably would have been a lot harder. I want to use this breakup to better myself. I don't want my feelings towards her to be angry or resentful. Meditating might not be the right word, but I have been doing a lot of deep thinking on the idea that our relationship ending doesn't change the value of what it was. She taught me so much about life and myself and I am forever grateful for her. The memories we shared were incredible and I hope I never forget her. I am working on coping with the sadness of losing her while acknowledging that things would only have gotten worse had we stayed together. 2
Beachead Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I had tried to, but it wouldn't allow it. Oh there was a setting I forgot to disable, that's probably why. My apologies. I sent you a message. Let me know if you have received. - Beachead 1
neverenough Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I love all of this. My friends, family, people in general just don't understand. I tell them that we broke up and they treat me as a victim, as if something unjust has happened to me. They try to get me to talk bad about her or disparage her. It's just not like that and I'm glad I've found people who think of it similarly. I have no anger or resentment for her. She had the courage to initiate something incredibly difficult but necessary. I'm proud of her in a way; I don't know if I ever could have done it. It was obvious in the last month of the relationship that things weren't working for either of us and we needed change. I'm not sure if there is ever a perfect time for a breakup but we were about as close to it as possible. Had we gone any longer the feelings probably would have been a lot harder. I want to use this breakup to better myself. I don't want my feelings towards her to be angry or resentful. Meditating might not be the right word, but I have been doing a lot of deep thinking on the idea that our relationship ending doesn't change the value of what it was. She taught me so much about life and myself and I am forever grateful for her. The memories we shared were incredible and I hope I never forget her. I am working on coping with the sadness of losing her while acknowledging that things would only have gotten worse had we stayed together. I experienced a similar situation like yours. My RS started to fall apart the last year or so but all that time we tried very hard to make it work and for me it was all fixable. The last month was unbearable for him and for me and so he broke up. Of course I was dissapointed but thats because I am a different person and so there is no way to be angry at him - it was his maximum. I can imagine that both of you tried hard but you love each other in a different way and so it isn't a match (for now or at all). I really like that there are more people who think this way because at the end - it's the only real and healthy way to cope and to learn from it. We should be so grateful to have experienced love in that way and also be proud that we are capeable to accept the situation like it is and maybe to become a even better version Love is complicated and simple at the same time. To feel sad, empty or angry is good but never ever should anyone fall into the trap to pity themselves. I don't belive in trying to be fatalistic and selfdisructive. I saw a lot of my friends (majorly girls) dive into this fatalism because of rejection. Not a lot of them learned from their exeriences... instead of growing or realizing what they can get out of the break up they sit and badtalk their ex or idolize them ... drink or sleep around.. jump into rebounds. Actually... I learned the most from them because I never wanted to disrespect myself like they did. 2
clist8511 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 It's a pivotal moment in the healing process. You'll still hurt but you're on your way to being okay. Copy and paste your post to MSword and just save it for future reference. Going forward, everytime your mind falls back into those thoughts of missing them and blaming yourself..you can counter with this and remind yourself. This is very accurate. It's like a cloud was lifted, and all the reality of the relationship was revealed. The copying of the post to an MS document is a very good idea. Might even go as far as to laminate it, lol.
clist8511 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I'm 31. 3 women..loved them all. None loved me. I never had a single person in my life ever fight for me or be there for me during some of the most brutal moments in my life. 2 of those heartbreaks happened in 3 years. They promised the world, recited sweet words, and put it in my head that they were in this for the long haul. I used to think I'd have been married by now back when I was 20. But over the years, I've been watching it happen for everyone else instead. If anything, the solitude made me far more focused on myself and far more clearer about my own life...far more progress. I'm so sorry you had to go through those, especially the heartbreaks in such a short space of time. There's something about heartbreak... unless you've experienced it, you have no idea just how painful and destroying it is. The good thing about heartbreak , though? We end up stronger. Even if we're not trying to become more resilient, it just happens. I'm glad that you were able to spend more time on yourself and doing what fulfilled you. Being around other people's relationships is something I struggled with, too. I had a friend (had being the operative word) who I just started to resent. She's 23, and has just become pregnant with her first child. Her and her boyfriend do everything together - and it was all she used to talk about. I had to cut off contact because the pain and envy was eating me alive. Don't really like admitting that, but hey. So I totally understand where you are coming from. 3
clist8511 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 I think most of the intense pain has died down, now. I no longer think about her as soon as I wake up, and I'm able to just do other things without always thinking about her. I do think about her, though. I wonder what she's doing. I wonder if she's with someone, now. I wonder if she thinks about me. I wonder if she regrets leaving me. I wonder pretty much everything about her. I made a mistake last night; I typed her Instagram username into Google and her page came up. I saw that she's unfollowed someone and they've unfollowed her - it upset me. I thought, she's still living her life without me. Who is this person she's unfollowed, is it someone she's dating? I felt excluded. I don't even know what's going on in her life anymore. That was a mistake, checking that. I don't usually check it. I don't even know why I did. But the way the obsessive thoughts and feelings came flooding back showed me why I can't do that again, and that I definitely can't break NC. I've thought about contacting her to discuss trying again. I don't know why. I do miss her. That's probably more loneliness and boredom than anything else, though. I miss the early stages of our relationship, but, as I learned; the initial stages with BPD/emotional abusers is often fake and just designed to lure you in. She used to tell me I was 'amazing' within the first month, and I genuinely felt confused; I wasn't doing anything that could have been considered 'amazing'. Then came the talk of babies and marriage; that was at about 3 months. At the time it all felt so wrong and she used to get so angry when I suggested we wait. I remember another ex doing the same. She encouraged me to spend 8 weeks with her at her house and would write these super-detailed journal entries about how we were the perfect match and then show me. She moved in with me after 3 months. I never felt so loved. But it wasn't real. I feel annoyed sometimes that she hasn't tried to reach out to me. I worry still that I'm not going to meet anyone else (when I'm ready to start trying). I wonder if I should start trying but then I don't think I'm ready. I don't want to be that close to anyone for fear of going through this again. Sorry for the long post. I just find it helpful to get these things out, and coming her and reading your posts is super helpful. We are all in this together, I suppose. 3
clist8511 Posted January 30, 2018 Posted January 30, 2018 This is a really stupid question to ask, and I know I shouldn't even be thinking like this, but has anyone ever broken NC and not felt terrible afterward?
clist8511 Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I think I'm just going to end up contacting her. This all seems like such hard work and I feel like I'm going around in circles. I can't stop thinking about her, and I think it must be the Instagram that triggered this. I can't think what else it can be. I can't do this. I am trying everything I can to move on and I still feel so lonely and unhappy. I feel like I can't even understand why I would want someone who mistreated me - I've even had the thought of "well, I've already been with her, I can handle the abuse - it's better than being alone". I've done it all. Counselling, exercise, university, reading, journalling, posting here - I even contacted her a month ago. Nothing seems to make this easier or better.
Beachead Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) I think I'm just going to end up contacting her. This all seems like such hard work and I feel like I'm going around in circles. I can't stop thinking about her, and I think it must be the Instagram that triggered this. I can't think what else it can be. I can't do this. I am trying everything I can to move on and I still feel so lonely and unhappy. I feel like I can't even understand why I would want someone who mistreated me - I've even had the thought of "well, I've already been with her, I can handle the abuse - it's better than being alone". I've done it all. Counselling, exercise, university, reading, journalling, posting here - I even contacted her a month ago. Nothing seems to make this easier or better. Remember, you can't force results in your healing. It happens when it happens. You have to sit and ride it out like a wave and take it one day at a time. Your post is your anxiety acting up and anxiety will be your worst enemy. It will make you do things that you will likely regret down the road that will create more material for you to dwell on and feel anxious about. You have to think of yourself as a drug addict...except instead of being addicted to Cocaine or Heroin, you are addicted to the love you felt. It was taken away from you and now you are feeling powerful withdrawal symptoms. Addicts are always trying to find some way to get their fix to relieve these withdrawal symptoms they will lie to themselves in order to get it even if it means they are hurting themselves. Right now your mind is playing tricks on you. It's triggered by anxiety and the anxiety is largely triggered and amplified by social media sites like Instagram and Facebook. I strongly suggest you pull yourself off of it for a few months. Everytime you go on there and see a new picture or a general update, your mind creates all kinds of stories and triggers your anxiety. Edited January 31, 2018 by Beachead 6
MeadowFlower Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 Don't settle people. Entertain and give your energys to only the real deal. 4
clist8511 Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 Remember, you can't force results in your healing. It happens when it happens. You have to sit and ride it out like a wave and take it one day at a time. Your post is your anxiety acting up and anxiety will be your worst enemy. It will make you do things that you will likely regret down the road that will create more material for you to dwell on and feel anxious about. You have to think of yourself as a drug addict...except instead of being addicted to Cocaine or Heroin, you are addicted to the love you felt. It was taken away from you and now you are feeling powerful withdrawal symptoms. Addicts are always trying to find some way to get their fix to relieve these withdrawal symptoms they will lie to themselves in order to get it even if it means they are hurting themselves. Right now your mind is playing tricks on you. It's triggered by anxiety and the anxiety is largely triggered and amplified by social media sites like Instagram and Facebook. I strongly suggest you pull yourself off of it for a few months. Everytime you go on there and see a new picture or a general update, your mind creates all kinds of stories and triggers your anxiety. You're 100% right. It's an addiction that comes with strong withdrawal symptoms. I don't want to do something I regret, either. The part about addicts trying to find a fix and convincing themselves it's OK - it's that feeling you get when you think "I can be friends with them, I can contact them" - you probably can't. This just feels all so pointless. There doesn't seem to be any 'reward' for all this hard work. It feels at times that it would just be easier to speak to her. To find out if she's with someone else. Even though it would hurt, at least I'd know. It's that addict analogy again; I'm just desperate for any fix, even though it's harmful. I deleted my Instagram and Twitter last year. I only use this website, Facebook (which she isn't on) and Reddit. The way I saw her instagram is just to type her username into Google and her page comes up. I don't usually look at it. You're so right about the anxiety, too. I freaked out and couldn't think straight; I almost did break NC; if I had her number I probably would have ended up messaging her. It was slightly too much effort to create an Instagram and message her - which I'm glad for. That's why I'm staying away from Instagram. Too easy to speak to her. I just hate this so much. It feels never ending and it feels pointless and painful. I just wish things weren't like this.
1fish2fish Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 Remember, you can't force results in your healing. It happens when it happens. You have to sit and ride it out like a wave and take it one day at a time. Your post is your anxiety acting up and anxiety will be your worst enemy. It will make you do things that you will likely regret down the road that will create more material for you to dwell on and feel anxious about. You have to think of yourself as a drug addict...except instead of being addicted to Cocaine or Heroin, you are addicted to the love you felt. It was taken away from you and now you are feeling powerful withdrawal symptoms. Addicts are always trying to find some way to get their fix to relieve these withdrawal symptoms they will lie to themselves in order to get it even if it means they are hurting themselves. Right now your mind is playing tricks on you. It's triggered by anxiety and the anxiety is largely triggered and amplified by social media sites like Instagram and Facebook. I strongly suggest you pull yourself off of it for a few months. Everytime you go on there and see a new picture or a general update, your mind creates all kinds of stories and triggers your anxiety. I needed to read this. thank you! 1
Jsos91 Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I find myself looking back on the very beginning of our relationship. My ex was an artist, a really good one actually. She painted and could play any musical instrument you put in front of her, it was one of the things I loved about her most. At the beginning she wrote songs for me, painted pictures that were "about us", and wrote poems about us. It was all really romantic.. she used to say that my ex before her was an idiot for cheating on me and "it was like winning the lottery and throwing away the ticket." This was all within the first few months.. then as you said, the talk of marriage and a family together.. she even came with me to buy the ring and ask her parents permission. I know look at all of this as a red flag because I think she really put me on a pedestal and we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. At this point, the first 6-8 months of our relationship are all I miss because it was this romantic blur... beyond that we began to slowly fall apart and she left me for someone else. I think that in her case it was a bad case of infatuation that faded after we had made some pretty serious steps in the relationship. It just boggles the mind and shows how fickle people can be.. I've learned from it though and I'll never move that quickly again so... I'm glad it all happened. OH and I also learned to NEVER get matching tattoos.. 2
Beachead Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 (edited) I find myself looking back on the very beginning of our relationship. My ex was an artist, a really good one actually. She painted and could play any musical instrument you put in front of her, it was one of the things I loved about her most. At the beginning she wrote songs for me, painted pictures that were "about us", and wrote poems about us. It was all really romantic.. she used to say that my ex before her was an idiot for cheating on me and "it was like winning the lottery and throwing away the ticket." This was all within the first few months.. then as you said, the talk of marriage and a family together.. she even came with me to buy the ring and ask her parents permission. I know look at all of this as a red flag because I think she really put me on a pedestal and we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. At this point, the first 6-8 months of our relationship are all I miss because it was this romantic blur... beyond that we began to slowly fall apart and she left me for someone else. I think that in her case it was a bad case of infatuation that faded after we had made some pretty serious steps in the relationship. It just boggles the mind and shows how fickle people can be.. I've learned from it though and I'll never move that quickly again so... I'm glad it all happened. OH and I also learned to NEVER get matching tattoos.. Yep. I hear you and Clist8511 Same with me. Before we started officially dating, my current used to talk about how she never wanted to have kids. Fast forward 2 months later and she casually talking about ours. She wanted me to meet her sister and her parents. She initiated sex. She's the one that first dropped the L Bomb on me. Just as fast as she came, she went. And it was a similar story with my previous ex. Talked about marriage and moving into together. Just fickle, flighty feelings that are subject to change. Means nothing to me anymore. Easiest thing in the world is to make promises and stick around with someone when they're at the top of their game and life feels like sunny days and blue skies. It doesn't take much to feel good in a feel good situation...it does take a lot to feel good in a situation that doesn't feel so good. Could you still like them when they stand up for themselves and say no to something you want them to do? When they lose their dad and their full-time job in the same year and wind up in an emotional funk for awhile..would you make their sadness about yourself or stick it out with them? If they got ill and had to go to to the hospital frequently for visits, took medicine that changed their appearance..could you still love them? That's what matters. That's what we all want deep down inside. Respect, companionship, intimacy, longevity, loyalty. Most people think they're ready for a relationship but aren't. When confronted by compromise and sacrifice, they are annoyed. When they realize they have a certain level of accountability/responsibility towards the person's life and feelings..they become overwhelmed. Because most people just get into a relationship and fall for some false illusion or perception of who the person is and what that person and the relationship can do for them. Edited January 31, 2018 by Beachead 2
Fever of love Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 After being banned from Heartbreak Hotel for 3 days. I must be getting better. A huge misunderstanding, obviously- but I urge you all to read the rules, they're not playing! And thanks for the resumed access, moderators. Hope all my heartbroken companions are doing well on your respective journeys- Keep The Faith! 2
Beachead Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 After being banned from Heartbreak Hotel for 3 days. I must be getting better. A huge misunderstanding, obviously- but I urge you all to read the rules, they're not playing! And thanks for the resumed access, moderators. Hope all my heartbroken companions are doing well on your respective journeys- Keep The Faith! Sorry to hear that man. How's the healing journey coming along?
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 31, 2018 Posted January 31, 2018 I'm realizing a lot of my hardest times coping aren't because of her. I was very comfortable being with her. A lot of my insecurities and problems were covered up because I always knew I could come home to instant validation. Now I have to learn to be okay with myself and I'm finding that's a lot harder than I thought. 1
NomiMalone Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I'm realizing a lot of my hardest times coping aren't because of her. I was very comfortable being with her. A lot of my insecurities and problems were covered up because I always knew I could come home to instant validation. Now I have to learn to be okay with myself and I'm finding that's a lot harder than I thought. Self awareness is key. If you're aware of what you need to work on, you're already half way there, and miles ahead of most others. 1
Beachead Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 I'm realizing a lot of my hardest times coping aren't because of her. I was very comfortable being with her. A lot of my insecurities and problems were covered up because I always knew I could come home to instant validation. Now I have to learn to be okay with myself and I'm finding that's a lot harder than I thought. Very good points from NomiMalone. That's some good stuff there rjblak13. Self awareness means you're capable of growing and transforming yourself. Some people lack this ability because they don't spend enough time alone to introspect. They are then confronted by repeated circumstances throughout their life because they cannot identify their weaknesses and thus, cannot overcome them. Good on you 3
sorano Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 Ahh valentines day. Just a day for stores, flower places and candy companies to make money. Thank god I dont have to spend money on dinner and all the other nonsense. Glad thats over with. I need new wheels for mustang instead. Not a single care will be given that day 2
NomiMalone Posted February 1, 2018 Posted February 1, 2018 Day 15 Today was literally the worst day of my life. All I feel is disappointment, emptiness and pain. At work, I felt like I couldn't connect with any of my clients at all. I think I tried too hard which made the vibe weird and awkward. A colleague kept butting in while I was talking and I really wanted to cry. At the new place I'm moving into, I think my room mate is showing signs of being a control freak already. What on earth have I done? I really wish I could wake up to find that the last 2 weeks was only a bad dream.
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