How are you coping today?

[Happy Lemming]

Alright, night time is the worst for me.

 

If I'm feeling "out of sorts" at night. I take a ride out to the country and try to find some stars to enjoy or just enjoy the peaceful darkness.

[clist8511]

If I'm feeling "out of sorts" at night. I take a ride out to the country and try to find some stars to enjoy or just enjoy the peaceful darkness.

 

That's a really nice idea. It sounds very peaceful.

[maybejune]

I start to get back on my life.

 

I still can't control my mood change, still cry randomly for different reasons from couple of months ago. I was so stupid to give me heart to wrong person, I can't get it back without wound. I am not fighting against my emotions, I am not trying to forget what has happened, I am not trying to pretend to be fine. So I accept that's the new normal.

 

BUT, I want to take better care of myself, I will go to gym regularly, take gym class to build my body, I will buy new clothes (I haven't bought any cloth for over half year), I WILL COOK MORE AT HOME.

 

I will start working on my plan for this year.

[sorano]

The nights and the weekends at first will be hell. But they do get better with time. That I can promise you.

[igotoverit]

The nights and the weekends at first will be hell. But they do get better with time. That I can promise you.

 

You seem like a super cool guy. Thank you!

[Happy Lemming]

I start to get back on my life.

 

I WILL COOK MORE AT HOME.

 

I will start working on my plan for this year.

 

2018 is going to be a great year for everyone. I'm so looking forward to the warmer weather that is just around the corner.

 

If I could offer a suggestion on the "cook more at home"... I made some fantastic liver and onions over the weekend. Liver was on sale at my grocery store so it was a win-win! YUMMY!!

 

Cooking at home is so much healthier, as well.

 

Be well...

[sorano]

You seem like a super cool guy. Thank you!

 

Thank you. Certain things get better quickly. Other parts of the recovery process may take a bit longer. I used to see people tell others, wow, you aren't better yet? still hurting? There is no time limit to when a person heals 100%. It all depends on what that relationship meant to you. How much you loved that person. The worst feeling in the world is not being chosen. Yes you can't force a person to stay with you, but, it still hurts when you go above and beyond and get nothing back. Then get dropped. cheated on. whatever.

 

next month will be 2 years for me. I am perfectly fine being alone now, I am laughing again, smiling, I revamped myself. You name it , I did it. Does it still sting if I go to a certain place, think about certain events, listen to a certain song? yea. am I worried that its been two years and still get angry or sad? Have to rush to see a therapist? No. My brain is still trying sort things out and eventually, everything will be ok. It will all be fine. let time and the human brain do the work. cry, break stuff, shout out loud, blast music, punch the crap out of your pillow, whatever. let it out and go with it.

 

I body build, I have a new car, still trying to buy my first home, I go for massages, I have new clothes, I like to dress up on the weekends and go for a gin and tonic, I also pamper myself by buying/doing/ more gentleman things. Like buying more cologne, new hair products, changing my hair style, smoke a cigar with my friends once in a blue moon, buy nice shoes, I take care of my skin, etc. JHard to explain but you guys get the idea.

[sorano]

I once saw this.

 

we place our ex's on a pedestal. They break our hearts and we are a total mess. You think that you will never find anyone else like them. They were gorgeous, spontaneous, the whole works. They are like those greek statues of a god or goddesses. They look amazing! From a far, they are perfect. Beautiful. But upon closer inspection, as you get closer to that statue, and you really analyze, you will see it has flaws. That its not perfect. It has cracks. Its damaged. It's not what it appears to be.

 

I repeat that to myself and it helps. In reality, they were not perfect. we make them out more than what they really are.

[maybejune]

2018 is going to be a great year for everyone. I'm so looking forward to the warmer weather that is just around the corner.

 

If I could offer a suggestion on the "cook more at home"... I made some fantastic liver and onions over the weekend. Liver was on sale at my grocery store so it was a win-win! YUMMY!!

 

Cooking at home is so much healthier, as well.

 

Be well...

 

I will give it a try, thanks for sharing.

 

I'm not confident for 2018, I will have a tough year for sure. I try not to think too much into the uncertainty, I had too many sleepless nights last year. I need to work on myself, I am not strong enough.

[igotoverit]

I once saw this.

 

we place our ex's on a pedestal. They break our hearts and we are a total mess. You think that you will never find anyone else like them. They were gorgeous, spontaneous, the whole works. They are like those greek statues of a god or goddesses. They look amazing! From a far, they are perfect. Beautiful. But upon closer inspection, as you get closer to that statue, and you really analyze, you will see it has flaws. That its not perfect. It has cracks. Its damaged. It's not what it appears to be.

 

I repeat that to myself and it helps. In reality, they were not perfect. we make them out more than what they really are.

 

I had this guy on a pedestool and he knew this. I am actually starting to get back in the gym myself and back into working. I let work slip before realizing that no one who cares about you, would watch you suffer. The fact he built his life during this time shows me he's not a grown person. As a grown adult with maturity, you would want to empower others when you've reached a level of success (he's an engineer) so his flaw is lack of experience and the need for attention.

[Beachead]

I will give it a try, thanks for sharing.

 

I'm not confident for 2018, I will have a tough year for sure. I try not to think too much into the uncertainty, I had too many sleepless nights last year. I need to work on myself, I am not strong enough.

 

Yes you are. Keep it simple and maneagable.

 

Set small weekly goals for yourself. Nothing over the top. Something realistic but with a slight push. Do not move them aside for anyone. As unimportant as they may seem to others, they need to be important to you. Commit to doing that every week for 1 year.

 

Example: I want to go to the gym 2 times this week and cook one meal I've never cooked in my life.

 

This will achieve three things:

 

1. Over time, you will make it a habit to prioritize yourself.

2. You will reap the rewards from committing to your goals.

3. You'll discover if you commit to something and achieve your goals, the good feeling you get will actually offset negative feelings.

 

Done.

Edited January 24, 2018 by Beachead

[maybejune]

I had this guy on a pedestool and he knew this. I am actually starting to get back in the gym myself and back into working. I let work slip before realizing that no one who cares about you, would watch you suffer. The fact he built his life during this time shows me he's not a grown person. As a grown adult with maturity, you would want to empower others when you've reached a level of success (he's an engineer) so his flaw is lack of experience and the need for attention.

 

As time passed by, I start to really understand what people had posted online: you don't miss him, you miss the person who you thought he was. --- Exactly like that.

 

Like you said, the person who cares about you, would never just sit there and watch you suffering. The exes proved to us they really don't care, they chose to stay away from us when we were not doing well.

[Fever of love]

I have this saved from a counselling website, it doesn't particularly help me cope, but it does help me understand. And maybe understanding is a step towards coping.

 

I think the bit about how a little understanding of the grief cycle stops the survivors (us) from inflicting further damage on themselves by beating themselves up helpful, and might help on others on the board:

 

"For most abandonment survivors, the issue is control. Thanks to the increase in stress hormones, they don't have much: Nature has taken over. The life they want is not within their immediate power. Their primary connection has been severed; isolation has been foisted upon them by someone else's choice. Abandonment is a state of INVOLUNTARY SEPARATION. They are shattered by an aloneness they did not choose. They feel deserted, dependent, and demoralized, having sustained a narcissistic injury. The lack of control makes them feel like a victim.

 

Emotionally, it feels like they're in the recovery room having just had their siamese twin severed from them. What makes the pain so unbearable for abandonment survivors, is that it wasn't their idea to have the surgery; it was the OTHER person's. Even worse, the OTHER person has (often) already re-attached to a new love-interest and doesn't feel the intense pain of separation. The relationship is medicating the abandoner from feeling what the abandonee is faced with - - rejection, isolation, and a profound loss of love. In other words, the Abandoners aren't suffering in the recovery room, because for THEM it wasn't major surgery. They're 'out and about' in a new life.

 

Both sides, however, are on an emotional roller coaster; both feel regret, confusion, remorse, and anger. But the one who was left behind bears the brunt of the tear.

The fact that it is more painful to be the abandonee than the abandoner is rarely acknowledged by the latter, because both sides want to be considered 'the injured party.'

 

Long Term Relationships: If the couple's lives had been intertwined for a long time and they had grown to count on each other for security and support, the one choosing to end the relationship will struggle with the agony of guilt. Abandoners are often themselves survivors of childhood losses and separations, and have their own abandonment issues to deal with. This makes it particularly difficult for them to acknowledge the full extent of the pain that is caused by their decision to end the relationship. It threatens their idealized self images when they witness their former partners' (understandable) reaction of anger and grief, and of not wanting to 'let go.' They feel they are being thwarted and mistreated by these reactions. They resent the 'control.' They feel 'punished' for trying to start a new life. They begin to perceive their former partners as 'the bad mothers.' This development suggests that rather than feel less about themselves, abandoners have attempted to project rather than internalize their negative feelings, They've exercised the 'victor's option' to blame the victim. Many begin to rewrite the history of the relationship, distorting facts, blocking out emotional memories, negating the original basis of the connection -- all in an effort to justify their decision to leave someone who still wants and needs them. This causes abandonees to feel completely erased and even more isolated. They don't even have memories to hold onto; their entire emotional reality has been disqualified. They lose not only the future, but the past.

 

At this stage both sides stand on oppositive sides of an emotional chasm. Attempts at communication usually misfire into painful misunderstandings and explosions (and where divorce is involved, costly attorney fees)

 

It helps both sides to learn about the abandonment cycle (S.W.I.R.L.). Abandonees get to see where they are in the grief process, where they are going, and where they have work to do. Understanding the universality of the process relieves them from adding insult to injury - - condemning themselves for feeling so much pain - - preventing them from further self-injury. Abandoners, for their part, gain understanding with which to better handle their side of the separation. They also gain perspective on their own abandonment issues - - connecting the dots between unfinished business from childhood and the issues of the relationship they are pulling away from."

[clist8511]

I just had to stop what I was doing and come to the forum. I saw a woman in the local shop who looked exactly like my ex; same clothes, hairstyle - even the way she was standing was the same. I only went over there to buy some bread and now I feel like...well I don't feel great.

 

I'm literally pulling out every single tiny excuse of why I shouldn't contact her. I feel drained having to perform NC every day. I just want to tell her that I want us to try again. But how can I do that? She will say no. She will get annoyed that I've contacted her. She might be with someone else by now. I will look like I can't move on. People will start throwing the word 'stalker' around. I just can't do this any longer.

[Happy Lemming]

I just had to stop what I was doing and come to the forum. I saw a woman in the local shop who looked exactly like my ex; same clothes, hairstyle - even the way she was standing was the same. I only went over there to buy some bread and now I feel like...well I don't feel great.

 

I'm literally pulling out every single tiny excuse of why I shouldn't contact her. I feel drained having to perform NC every day. I just want to tell her that I want us to try again. But how can I do that? She will say no. She will get annoyed that I've contacted her. She might be with someone else by now. I will look like I can't move on. People will start throwing the word 'stalker' around. I just can't do this any longer.

 

Here is an idea...

 

Why don't you make yourself some home made bread... It will keep your mind off of your ex, keep you busy learning a new skill. Kneading the dough might take care of some aggression and you don't have to go back to the store for bread... I'm sure there is a recipe and/or video somewhere on the internet.

 

I usually try to make home made bread once every couple of weeks, I think I must have been a chef/baker in a previous life. Its a hobby that keeps me busy, though.

 

Just my two cents...

[igotoverit]

I had a meeting that changed everything for me. It turns out I will not be moving and will not remain here for another five years. Now that it's firmed, have decided to plant routes which will be my primary focus and considering going back is no longer an option, nor do I see friends a possibilty, it's much easier for me to move on. I suddenly have the sense that someone else even better will come so in the meantime, I can work on myself with no rush for that to happen.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Really can't stand the idea of going through this situation and A) Not learning anything B) Not changing for the better.

 

Something about it doesn't sit right with me. You either stay the same or you don't. In six months time i'm going to be a new/better me and that's something i'm excited about!

 

Booked in to talk to someone tomorrow. Really feel like i'll get a lot out of it.

[igotoverit]

It get's better. A client I bailed on and ghosted had just emailed me and wants to know if I still want to work with her. Without getting into any personal details, I let her know that her not confirming with me led me to believe she was no longer looking for my services and then I suggested she confirmed. I explained that some clients change their mind and rather then tell you, the just don't confirm which is what I thought she was doing. It's completely wrong to lie like this but it saves a job and a reputation. I will do the job to the best of my ability moving forward.

[maybejune]

I just had to stop what I was doing and come to the forum. I saw a woman in the local shop who looked exactly like my ex; same clothes, hairstyle - even the way she was standing was the same. I only went over there to buy some bread and now I feel like...well I don't feel great.

 

I'm literally pulling out every single tiny excuse of why I shouldn't contact her. I feel drained having to perform NC every day. I just want to tell her that I want us to try again. But how can I do that? She will say no. She will get annoyed that I've contacted her. She might be with someone else by now. I will look like I can't move on. People will start throwing the word 'stalker' around. I just can't do this any longer.

 

I know how that feels. One week after my BU, I saw my ex in a park, he was on his bike, and I was on the other side of the road. I recognized his bike, the color the brand the size, he was wearing a biking suit I never saw in his pics (and later I stalked on his Strava, so yes, that was him, he slowed down because of a crowd of tourists ), I stoned, I cried, I was snap chatting with a friend at the time, so I told her I saw him, she said, don't look at him, walk to the other direction. For few minutes, I still wanted to run after him, I hoped I can chase him and get him talking to me, because I was dying to know how he was doing since he wasn't feeling well before, I was dying to hear from him why I lost him, and the moment I saw him from a distance, I was crashed into pieces, I could't feel my legs. I only remember I fled to a museum near by because I didn't want to go home, the rest of that day was vague.

 

I continued to stalk him for another week, because I can't stop thinking about him, and FB kept feeding me what he had liked etc. But I was out of his life. I deleted him from FB. Then I stalked on his INS for another two months, yes, worst part, and one of his girl friends' INS -- he liked a lot of her pic, and I remember he never liked any of mine. She was posting average at least once per day. They seemed to have very good friendship, if not relationship or other, what was I to him?

 

I think, if possible, we really should delete exes from all social media, their lives are irrelevant to us, nothing good but more pain. Meanwhile, try not to stay alone too much time, alone time is always generous for thinking about exes. So go out-- go to parks you know s/he won't go, go to bars, go to gym, meet friends, call friends family or anyone, even go shopping -- if you only do grocery shopping once a week, now, do it everyday maybe. It's so hard to avoid those flashbacks, but next time, call a friend and tell them, at least you wont feel so lonely and they will help you to take your mind off her.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[igotoverit]

Really can't stand the idea of going through this situation and A) Not learning anything B) Not changing for the better.

 

Something about it doesn't sit right with me. You either stay the same or you don't. In six months time i'm going to be a new/better me and that's something i'm excited about!

 

Booked in to talk to someone tomorrow. Really feel like i'll get a lot out of it.

 

 

 

Your ex doesn't need to leave any sort of imprint on your life. You were who you were long before you met that person. You don't have to change for anyone but you.. They don't deserve to leave any sort of imprint on your life.

[igotoverit]

I know how that feels. One week after my BU, I saw my ex in a park, he was on his bike, and I was on the other side of the road. I recognized his bike, the color the brand the size, he was wearing a biking suit I never saw in his pics (and later I stalked on his Strava, so yes, that was him, he slowed down because of a crowd of tourists ), I stoned, I cried, I was snap chatting with a friend at the time, so I told her I saw him, she said, don't look at him, walk to the other direction. For few minutes, I still wanted to run after him, I hoped I can chase him and get him talking to me, because I was dying to know how he was doing since he wasn't feeling well before, I was dying to hear from him why I lost him, and the moment I saw him from a distance, I was crashed into pieces, I could't feel my legs. I only remember I fled to a museum near by because I didn't want to go home, the rest of that day was vague.

 

I continued to stalk him for another week, because I can't stop thinking about him, and FB kept feeding me what he had liked etc. But I was out of his life. I deleted him from FB. Then I stalked on his INS for another two months, yes, worst part, and one of his girl friends' INS -- he liked a lot of her pic, and I remember he never liked any of mine. She was posting average at least once per day. They seemed to have very good friendship, if not relationship or other, what was I to him?

 

I think, if possible, we really should delete exes from all social media, their lives are irrelevant to us, nothing good but more pain. Meanwhile, try not to stay alone too much time, alone time is always generous for thinking about exes. So go out-- go to parks you know s/he won't go, go to bars, go to gym, meet friends, call friends family or anyone, even go shopping -- if you only do grocery shopping once a week, now, do it everyday maybe. It's so hard to avoid those flashbacks, but next time, call a friend and tell them, at least you wont feel so lonely and they will help you to take your mind off her.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

With all do respect, do not follow this advice. This is suggesting you go grocery shopping everyday. I would strongly suggest otherwise because you are spending all your money, you may as well spend it on a breakup coach. Do not spend money or put yourself in a tough spot to avoid dealing with feelings for an ex. Time will do just fine... This is terrible advice. It could get someone into financial trouble!

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

 

Great relationships seldom fail, bad ones do... as they should!

 

Awesome ted talk, Anyone seen it before?

[igotoverit]

 

Great relationships seldom fail, bad ones do... as they should!

 

Awesome ted talk, Anyone seen it before?

 

 

 

I don't pay attention to that stuff. It's so superficial and everyone's advice is just that. You have to ride your own waves and make your own recovery. No one deserves to leave an imprint on your life unless you chose for that imprint to be there. You can read, listen, and watch all you want but at the end of the day, your life is your life and it's up to you what you do with it. It isn't up to anyone else. If they want to comment, let them but it doesn't mean you have to listen. You can make your own story out of your break up.. It doesn't have to be what anyone else is saying.

[Beachead]

I have this saved from a counselling website, it doesn't particularly help me cope, but it does help me understand. And maybe understanding is a step towards coping.

 

I think the bit about how a little understanding of the grief cycle stops the survivors (us) from inflicting further damage on themselves by beating themselves up helpful, and might help on others on the board:

 

"For most abandonment survivors, the issue is control. Thanks to the increase in stress hormones, they don't have much: Nature has taken over. The life they want is not within their immediate power. Their primary connection has been severed; isolation has been foisted upon them by someone else's choice. Abandonment is a state of INVOLUNTARY SEPARATION. They are shattered by an aloneness they did not choose. They feel deserted, dependent, and demoralized, having sustained a narcissistic injury. The lack of control makes them feel like a victim.

 

Emotionally, it feels like they're in the recovery room having just had their siamese twin severed from them. What makes the pain so unbearable for abandonment survivors, is that it wasn't their idea to have the surgery; it was the OTHER person's. Even worse, the OTHER person has (often) already re-attached to a new love-interest and doesn't feel the intense pain of separation. The relationship is medicating the abandoner from feeling what the abandonee is faced with - - rejection, isolation, and a profound loss of love. In other words, the Abandoners aren't suffering in the recovery room, because for THEM it wasn't major surgery. They're 'out and about' in a new life.

 

Both sides, however, are on an emotional roller coaster; both feel regret, confusion, remorse, and anger. But the one who was left behind bears the brunt of the tear.

The fact that it is more painful to be the abandonee than the abandoner is rarely acknowledged by the latter, because both sides want to be considered 'the injured party.'

 

Long Term Relationships: If the couple's lives had been intertwined for a long time and they had grown to count on each other for security and support, the one choosing to end the relationship will struggle with the agony of guilt. Abandoners are often themselves survivors of childhood losses and separations, and have their own abandonment issues to deal with. This makes it particularly difficult for them to acknowledge the full extent of the pain that is caused by their decision to end the relationship. It threatens their idealized self images when they witness their former partners' (understandable) reaction of anger and grief, and of not wanting to 'let go.' They feel they are being thwarted and mistreated by these reactions. They resent the 'control.' They feel 'punished' for trying to start a new life. They begin to perceive their former partners as 'the bad mothers.' This development suggests that rather than feel less about themselves, abandoners have attempted to project rather than internalize their negative feelings, They've exercised the 'victor's option' to blame the victim. Many begin to rewrite the history of the relationship, distorting facts, blocking out emotional memories, negating the original basis of the connection -- all in an effort to justify their decision to leave someone who still wants and needs them. This causes abandonees to feel completely erased and even more isolated. They don't even have memories to hold onto; their entire emotional reality has been disqualified. They lose not only the future, but the past.

 

At this stage both sides stand on oppositive sides of an emotional chasm. Attempts at communication usually misfire into painful misunderstandings and explosions (and where divorce is involved, costly attorney fees)

 

It helps both sides to learn about the abandonment cycle (S.W.I.R.L.). Abandonees get to see where they are in the grief process, where they are going, and where they have work to do. Understanding the universality of the process relieves them from adding insult to injury - - condemning themselves for feeling so much pain - - preventing them from further self-injury. Abandoners, for their part, gain understanding with which to better handle their side of the separation. They also gain perspective on their own abandonment issues - - connecting the dots between unfinished business from childhood and the issues of the relationship they are pulling away from."

 

Just to know that there is a level of understanding about this is nice. I've actually learned everything this passage has said through personal experiences and drew the same conclusions on my recovery journey's so it was actually kind of healing to read and feels good to have my thoughts validated.

[Happy Lemming]

It get's better. A client I bailed on and ghosted had just emailed me and wants to know if I still want to work with her.

 

That's great news!!

 

Congrats!!