How are you coping today?

[AnyaNova]

Class was great.

 

Had a great workout today (keep getting to the point of extreme light headedness and nearly passing out, wonder if that has something to do with the vitamin deficiency).

 

I had the best time though, and the strangest experience walking back from class to the parking lot. It is a long enough walk (not that long, but enough) I always use music. Especially when it is cold.

 

So I was listening (in full self-referential humor mode) to "Fortuna Plango Vulnera" and it happens sometimes that I tend to get owly in the winter time when its cold and gray, when I am single, about feeling like I'll be cold and single for ever (and cold starts to become a symbol for the other).

 

But anyway, as I got to some of the cool, graceful and almost dancelike little piano motifs...I had this revelation, I guess.

 

That despite the cold and winter (I always know this when single and its warm and sunny, or at least sunny, but for some reason winter always brings as a symbol all the crap I went through as a kid and the associated pain and it makes me want someone to be comforted by), I could be happy...no, I was happy. Single, cold, grey, winter do your worst.

 

It was like a challenge. Bring it on winter. I don't care. You won't control me any longer. I will be free and happy even if I am cold and single, even if I don't have the sun to revel in.

 

It is so funny.

 

These sorts of thoughts, many of my closest friends aren't privy to. These sorts of thoughts, in fact, are usually ones that I would only share with a signficant other.

[stillfiguringitallou]

Tonight - I'm doing GREAT!

 

Whoever said NC was the way EVERYONE should go - didn't account for things like mine.

 

I took his things I had borrowed weeks ago to him -

 

We talked.

 

Realized the biggest source of our anxiety wasn't the loss of the relationship

 

It was the friendship

 

We are really best friends - and that's good. No romantic tinglings at at all (at least for me)

 

It was a GOOD day.

[JDPT]

Tonight - I'm doing GREAT!

 

Whoever said NC was the way EVERYONE should go - didn't account for things like mine.

 

I took his things I had borrowed weeks ago to him -

 

We talked.

 

Realized the biggest source of our anxiety wasn't the loss of the relationship

 

It was the friendship

 

We are really best friends - and that's good. No romantic tinglings at at all (at least for me)

 

It was a GOOD day.

 

I'm really hoping this good vibe lasts for you.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I'm really hoping this good vibe lasts for you.

 

Honestly - when I saw him - there wasn't even the slightest niggling of a romantic twinge.

 

I'm actually sitting here wondering if I was ever REALLY "in" love with him - or if I convinced myself I was because it was a "move forward or lose it" point (our first break up was because I wouldn't move forward in our relationship") and I was scared I would lose the friendship (he said it first and often before I did)

 

Because now - I feel sooooo much better/more secure/more comfortable than I did the ENTIRE time we were in a relationship.

 

For me - the contact was a good thing - it solidified what I thought when I took my break months ago - that my fear was losing my friend - not my lover

[somedude81]

No crying today, thank God.

 

But instead I'm very angry. I just want to scream and curse her name!

 

It's amazing how easy it is to switch between love and hate.

 

Interesting, there's actually a term for what I feel for her. Ambivalence.

 

Edit:

 

Well I'm still randomly hyperventilating when I have a particularly strong thought about her. I'm having hot coco now and for some reason I thought of a time we went out for breakfast together and I had hot coco and suddenly I felt like I was having a panic attack

Edited February 1, 2014 by somedude81

[BC1980]

I had my life mapped out and thought my ex would be it. I thought our life together was permanent. Now, I'm staring into an unknown future, and it's scary. It's overwhelming. I have this need to know his it will all turn out.

 

I know that nothing is permanent. Even the future I thought I had with my ex may not have panned out had we stayed together. Circumstances change. I feel like he threw me out on the street to pick up the pieces and start over, but I'll be damned if I succumb to this. I won't let this entire fiasco be for nothing.

[purplehues]

I'm moving along…yesterday was extremely difficult, it seems like I tend to crash in the afternoons. Hard going through the day and being a part of the world I no longer share with her. It stinks. But I'm trying my best and am being gracious with myself through all this pain and my irrationality.

It's been 12 days. I'm scared of the up-coming "one month since break-up" and a 2 year anniversary we should have had in March.

Praying for strength and wisdom to get through this.

[JDPT]

For the past two days I've been waking up at 2AM for no particular reason and end up going back to bed at around 5AM.

I'm proud to say that I don't think of her during those times. I end up watching tv until I fall back asleep.

Just a few months ago I would wake up in the middle of the night with this excruciating pain on my chest that would literally have me contemplating the thought of jumping off a bridge. I feel calm and focused, organizing my life and allowing my body to heal.

I looked up a few homeopathic remedies that I'm more than willing to give a shot in order to accelerate my healing. I feel calm today, no need to stress myself with life, I'll take it as it comes.

[Xemyd]

The past two weeks I've been wanting to text him every night, I miss everything. I feel robbed. I haven't texted him which is good, I guess, but I feel like it's going to happen. I'll crack eventually, I just hope that if I do, I'm emotionally ready for whatever, if anything, happens next.

[AnyaNova]

Tired today, but it is my own fault.

 

Spacing off on a subject that I shouldn't have been spacing off on, while taking my evening meds, I ended up taking my ADD medication. That does not make for a great night's sleep.

 

It will probably be a week or two before my levels build up enough, so right now I do best saving my work until the late afternoon/evening when I have all my electrolytes and vitamins and everything taken.

 

But boy, the wait is worth it, because the work is already so much better. I've had some fantastic ideas that are getting cemented for the project on Tuesday. think it will go well.

 

So right now, since my cable is broken, I'm hanging out on the computer while my cat sends baleful glances in my direction for not curling up with him on the couch. As soon as enough kicks in and my brain comes online, I will probably also play some keyboard.

 

I think the personal training is impacting my b12 levels a bit and maybe causing me to need to supplement sooner. Hopefully that should level out with a couple weeks of real medicine. It still sucks though, because the fact that my levels are slipping a little bit suggests that I need to still wait a week or two before resuming my 6 day a week routine at the gym.

 

Other than that, fairly good.

[Mondmellonw]

Saw this quote in one of my homework's texts. Had to share:

 

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self... Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.

 

 

 

 

As I see, every other member of this community is dealing with the feelings of a past they can't refuse.

But the future looks brighter for everyone.

For me... Today is a good day.

[AnyaNova]

Tired sore funk, begone!

 

I have turned on all the lights in the house. I am about to turn on a very un-HSP playlist. My session plan is not getting written tonight. :-( But perhaps after I do a bunch of house cleaning, I can get some other work done.

 

I'm going to have fun with tonight.

 

I am going to have fun with tonight even on my own. Just me and the kitty. And it is going to be good.

 

The very hard thing is that I have to work with my body to find the balance. I tend to push too hard or not enough, but usually the former. So today I know I needed to let myself rest for a good portion of the day, whether I liked it or not.

 

But no more.

 

Before I go to bed my room will be clean and organized. Hopefully some dishes washed.

 

I can't wait for this vitamin deficiency thing to be completely leveled out and over. I hope all of you can be grateful for the health that you have (for those who are healthy) and the basic energy that you have every day.

[JDPT]

I hope all of you can be grateful for the health that you have (for those who are healthy) and the basic energy that you have every day.

 

 

Oh I can certainly resonate. The other day, as I was hauling my ass with those damn crutches some guy ran by my I said to myself "you lucky mother******...." lol

Hey it is what it is at this point, I'm making bone broth as we speak, just took my calcium/vitamin D with a nice bottle of glucosamine chondroitin. I'm attacking these fractures from all angles.

[AnyaNova]

Oh I can certainly resonate. The other day, as I was hauling my ass with those damn crutches some guy ran by my I said to myself "you lucky mother******...." lol

Hey it is what it is at this point, I'm making bone broth as we speak, just took my calcium/vitamin D with a nice bottle of glucosamine chondroitin. I'm attacking these fractures from all angles.

 

that is all we can do, our best.

 

So how long until you're off the crutches and back on the treadmill and weight machines?

[ayudorama]

I'm thankful for every experience God has put me through. That pain was necessary to push me in the direction I have been resisting all these while. Spiritually, I'm much stronger. Physically, I've gained a bit more weight (during the whole fiasco, my weight dropped from 56kg to 45kg, within a month. I blame my honors year thesis and the ex who couldn't find a worse time to drop the break up bomb, oh God). I'm closer to my folks than I was before. I'm happy alone now than I was before I met him.

 

Some days are still tough. I think about him in the past tense, especially now when I wake up from dreams of him. I believe dreams are sometimes very telling. Sometimes they're just neuronal vomit. The odd other times, however, are very curious entities.

 

Other than these dreams, I'm a happy goober. Trying to hold on to the positives and move forward, and trust that God has better things in store for me.

 

Self-talk going on there (;

[JDPT]

that is all we can do, our best.

 

So how long until you're off the crutches and back on the treadmill and weight machines?

 

 

 

I would say another month and a half. Apparently, these fractures occurred a little while ago and I was pushing through confusing them for soft tissue injury when in reality I was already abusing fractured tibias.

 

 

I have a follow up appointment in another 3 weeks. I'm certain the doctor will tell me the exact same thing he's been telling me. Just to put my mind at ease, I managed to get second opinion and this doctor suggested the exact same approach. In conclusion, this has turned into a waiting game.

I'm also using a bone growth stimulator in order to accelerate healing.

 

 

How are you feeling?

[AnyaNova]

I would say another month and a half. Apparently, these fractures occurred a little while ago and I was pushing through confusing them for soft tissue injury when in reality I was already abusing fractured tibias.

 

 

I have a follow up appointment in another 3 weeks. I'm certain the doctor will tell me the exact same thing he's been telling me. Just to put my mind at ease, I managed to get second opinion and this doctor suggested the exact same approach. In conclusion, this has turned into a waiting game.

I'm also using a bone growth stimulator in order to accelerate healing.

 

 

How are you feeling?

 

Tiny little bit down. On another one of those letter sites, I found one that really sounded like it could have been written by my ex and referring to us. I know, intellectually, that it is not.

 

But dang. I discovered one more minuscule thread of hope that I didn't know was there. And had a couple of fantasies before I got my brain under control of us getting together again and discussing how we both felt that last night there at the end where I was driving away and he was running after the car.

 

This is so ridiculous. I have a crush on someone else for pete's sake. How am I still, this long finding any remnants of hope????

 

Its like I have no mental control or discipline at all. :-(

 

Seal - Crazy (HQ Audio) - YouTube

[AnyaNova]

Screw it!

 

Listening to Nil Na La, which must be the happiest song in the world. I am not letting my ex or someone very much like him bring me down.

[JDPT]

Screw it!

 

Listening to Nil Na La, which must be the happiest song in the world. I am not letting my ex or someone very much like him bring me down.

 

 

Absolutely not, they are really a thing of the past. We have more important things to worry with such as our health. Lately that's all I've been thinking about, no longer making myself depressed about it but instead researching ways to heal my injuries as fast and as possible.

I feel as if I'm reaching a point where I really do have better things to worry about you know?

I've mourned, I am mourning but it can only go for so long. Yes, certain things linger but no one said this process would be anywhere near perfection and I'm ok with that. We continue to propel ourselves forward day in and day out and improve as days pass.

[AnyaNova]

Absolutely not, they are really a thing of the past. We have more important things to worry with such as our health. Lately that's all I've been thinking about, no longer making myself depressed about it but instead researching ways to heal my injuries as fast and as possible.

I feel as if I'm reaching a point where I really do have better things to worry about you know?

I've mourned, I am mourning but it can only go for so long. Yes, certain things linger but no one said this process would be anywhere near perfection and I'm ok with that. We continue to propel ourselves forward day in and day out and improve as days pass.

 

Yes. My health is constantly on my mind as well. I really have to carefully monitor every activity and whether I can allow the expenditure of physical and mental stress.

 

You know, when I posted that last night, I didn't think I was starting to crash. But then I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and my eyes were yellow.

 

I'm starting to crash harder today (is it asking too much to have the bloody shots last? How am I going through 1000 mg of the stuff, which is supposed to last a week, in a manner of days?). I'm about to take another dose of b12 liquid and the really nasty b complex liquid as well.

 

I've got a big assignment that I've got to get a great start on (I mean, I already have, but I need more, I don't want it to feel rushed and at the last minute).

 

But I totally understand the focus on health.

 

I really wish, though, that it could just be energy and the other symptoms. I am just tired of my feelings being on this yo-yo that I can't control.

 

One thing this has taught me, is how much of our mental and mood state is based on very physiological causes. And how much less so, what we think of usually as the primary determiner, external events.

 

In other words, I guess you could call it the comic-strip version of the above...

 

I am crashing today. So I feel sad.

[Riou]

Coping fairly well..the past 1 month had been a month of alot of reflections and i believe i have taken another step forward.

[brokeNlost]

Today one of my friend saw my ex at a party having fun and she seem "happy". Meanwhile, I'm still struggling over the breakup and her. Life is so unfair.

[realfriends]

I had my life mapped out and thought my ex would be it. I thought our life together was permanent. Now, I'm staring into an unknown future, and it's scary. It's overwhelming. I have this need to know his it will all turn out.

 

I know that nothing is permanent. Even the future I thought I had with my ex may not have panned out had we stayed together. Circumstances change. I feel like he threw me out on the street to pick up the pieces and start over, but I'll be damned if I succumb to this. I won't let this entire fiasco be for nothing.

 

If theres one thing I have learned from my breakup, its that NOTHING IS SET IN STONE. I am in the same predicament as you. I was just planning out graduate schools with my ex. Now I'm venturing into the unknown without anyone. Its scary but I will make it through it and so will you and good will come from the life lessons we will learn along the way.

[AnyaNova]

Thank God!

 

I mean I am still crashing badly right now (though, to be fair my mood isn't as low as it has been in previous really bad crashes), tonight a few more neurons fired together and I thought to look up, "b 12 deficiency recovery. And I found this blog called, b12 deficiency chronicles. I had to go look, I really resonated with the name, because this certainly has been a freaking chronicle.

 

Because before this, I couldn't find any description by anyone of anything like what I am going through and I thought I must be alone, or maybe crazy, or maybe this was just the most bizarre and profound placebo effect on the planet never mind the gluten intolerance and how easily we become deficient.

 

But then I found this blog and her story, and comment after comment in the comments section about how others have had a long process and how rapidly it can change their everything, and how some of them need more than 1 shot a week and some just can't store it, and just knowing that there are many other people going through this same thing.

 

It is such a relief. And I saw a different treatment regimen involving getting 4 shots a day for for days and then going for 1 shot a week for 4 weeks and re-evaluating, and I wonder if that regimen would get rid of the crashing in between shots.

 

I don't know but when I have time and my next shot, I have a bunch of new information to look through!

 

And people who've been through it for support!!!!!!!

[rec88]

hmmmmm. I've had an awesome month with lots of fun times and good things happening in my life, but I'm having a relapse now. Lots of thoughts. It's been so long since we've seen or spoken to each other, but I still worry about her.. I wonder who she is now. I wonder how things have turned out for her. I wonder if she ever thinks of me... Then I remember the painful things. When she told me she doesn't love me. Though I no longer desire her approval or validation, it sucks to think that my all wasn't enough for someone. It's tough not to take that as a hit to my confidence.

 

*sigh* I'll cope by reflecting on all that I'm grateful for in my life, because there's a lot.