How are you coping today?

[BaileyB]

I might send him an email telling him how he ruined my life. I'm not sure yet... I feel better when I do!

 

Is this the man who has mocked you, and harassed you, and stalked you? Why would you ever think of sending an email that will give him an opening to mock and harass you more... I'm glad to hear that you didn't do it. Write your letter if you must, but NEVER send it. No contact is the ONLY way to go with this man...

[igotoverit]

Is this the man who has mocked you, and harassed you, and stalked you? Why would you ever think of sending an email that will give him an opening to mock and harass you more... I'm glad to hear that you didn't do it. Write your letter if you must, but NEVER send it. No contact is the ONLY way to go with this man...

 

 

 

I hear you on that. I keep getting angry that they did this. I honestly keep telling myself that it was my fault. That had I been in a better situation, that rather then mock me, he would have liked me. I know this is going to sound completely insane but I keep thinking of the person I knew at work. This guy who was so sexually appealing that other women feel the same way. That an educated, fit, beautiful and professional female will get the guy I have in my head. I keep thinking if they left me alone that I would have probably moved forward rather then be held back for five years...

 

 

I know it sounds stupid and I appreciate all advice even if it's the brutal truth.

 

 

I was making breakfast and drinking my coffee and telling myself that you have to move on from this person. I've been treated badly and didn't care nearly as much as I do now. I let a lot of past relationships go without a second thought and I didn't need to be on this forum writing about it. So what is it about now that makes it so hard to move on. It's an obsession. I have to work through this with a therapist .. I keep getting angry at all of those people who partook in this as they all moved on and I didn't move anywhere.

 

 

At the end of the day, the only one who is affected by this is me and I have to say my family too because they aren't getting the best of me at this point.

[igotoverit]

Depression is an ugly hole to be in. It's dark, gloomy, cloudy, and sad here. It's like the world is moving but you can't keep up with it and the days go by so fast. Every activity and movement is so exhausting that it's easiest to stay in bed. When I lay in bed, I feel comfortable and can feel the pain but at the same time, nothings being done so I feel overwhelmed .. I don't think depression is one to be messed around with. If you want to do this to a healthy person then by all means expect a more healthier reaction, but they did this to someone with a depression. I am starting to realize that my focus this week should also be treating this depression. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this week which is good so I can talk to him about it.

[BaileyB]

It's not your fault. Only he is responsible for his behavior. His behavior was hurtful to you, and only he is responsible for that.

 

You, however, are responsible for allowing it to continue. That is what you should be talking about with your counsellor. Why have you allowed this behavior to continue?

 

I will offer this analogy, if it is helpful. Think of it this way...

 

You know that child's game where you ask a friend for their hand. And then, that person will hit the others head repeatedly, using their own hand, and ask when the person who is being hit protests "why are you hitting yourself. Stop that."

 

Well, he asked for your hand and you trusted that he was a good guy, so you gave him your hand. He then hit you until you asked him to stop. But then, he asked for your hand again... You, thinking that he was a good guy who would not possibly hurt you again, offered your hand, again... And he hit you, again, using your own hand.

 

The next day, he asks for your hand again. You think, he's a nice guy who everybody likes, he won't hurt me again... But, he takes your hand, because you have offered it and given him yet another opportunity, and hits you again...

 

Do you see the pattern. He is the abuser. But, you are complicit because you continue to offer your hand. You are too trusting, you continue to think that he is a good guy who would not hurt you... Despite experience and evidence that proves otherwise.

 

Send that email, and he will hit you again. Is that analogy helpful?

 

Next time he asks for your hand, or you think "I keep remembering the nice guy who everyone liked..." Remember... If you offer your hand again, he will use it to hurt you. Don't offer your hand to him anymore.

 

Your should have taken it back after the first time he did it and told him to take off... Why you didn't do that, well... That is what you need to figure out with your counsellor.

 

Good luck!

 

Edited to add... Most educated, fit, beautiful professional woman would see this abuser coming a mile away and tell him to take a walk... And if they are seduced by his charm and good looks enough to tolerate this kind of behavior... Well, they will deserve him.

 

You deserve more. Forget him.

Edited January 21, 2018 by BaileyB

[igotoverit]

It's not your fault. Only he is responsible for his behavior. His behavior was hurtful to you, and only he is responsible for that.

 

You, however, are responsible for allowing it to continue. That is what you should be talking about with your counsellor. Why have you allowed this behavior to continue?

 

I will offer this analogy, if it is helpful. Think of it this way...

 

You know that child's game where you ask a friend for their hand. And then, that person will hit the others head repeatedly, using their own hand, and ask when the person who is being hit protests "why are you hitting yourself. Stop that."

 

Well, he asked for your hand and you trusted that he was a good guy, so you gave him your hand. He then hit you until you asked him to stop. But then, he asked for your hand again... You, thinking that he was a good guy who would not possibly hurt you again, offered your hand, again... And he hit you, again, using your own hand.

 

The next day, he asks for your hand again. You think, he's a nice guy who everybody likes, he won't hurt me again... But, he takes your hand, because you have offered it and given him yet another opportunity, and hits you again...

 

Do you see the pattern. He is the abuser. But, you are complicit because you continue to offer your hand. You are too trusting, you continue to think that he is a good guy who would not hurt you... Despite experience and evidence that proves otherwise.

 

Send that email, and he will hit you again. Is that analogy helpful?

 

Next time he asks for your hand, or you think "I keep remembering the nice guy who everyone liked..." Remember... If you offer your hand again, he will use it to hurt you. Don't offer your hand to him anymore.

 

Your should have taken it back after the first time he did it and told him to take off... Why you didn't do that, well... That is what you need to figure out with your counsellor.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

Thanks .. That makes perfect sense. I didn't think this guy would hurt me but he did and so did everyone else who partook in this. I have to remember that they did in fact do this to me, and that he is an abuser .. If he wasn't an abuser, he never would have abused me.

[Minneloa]

Having a hard time today. Dealing with a personal loss (not breakup) and feeling depressed and depleted. But I got up, ate breakfast, and took a shower. These seem like little things, but to me they are victories. Plus, it feels great to be clean. :bunny:

[Beachead]

Having a hard time today. Dealing with a personal loss (not breakup) and feeling depressed and depleted. But I got up, ate breakfast, and took a shower. These seem like little things, but to me they are victories. Plus, it feels great to be clean. :bunny:

 

Nope, not to me atleast. These things cheer me up as well. I look forward to my shower and daily coffee.

 

Hopefully the day is as good as it can be for you.

[Beachead]

Beach, I read this and it resonated so loudly.

 

First I want to say 'well done' - getting this far is such an achievement. You have shown your strength here. It's inspiring.

 

Second, I have been tempted to break NC again. But reading this has made me realise that there's more to lose by doing so.

 

Thank you. It's hard. All the emotions people express on here I feel as well. The loneliness and emptiness in the night. The self-blame. I'm not close to 100% yet at all but I also don't feel like I'm suffocating anymore. The pain feels more like a persistent ache. Not life-threatening or limiting but still there with me everywhere I go. Sometimes it worsens..sometimes it quiets down. Might not feel like I progressed much but it's atleast something.

 

The way I see it, they chose to leave us so us knocking on their door is an unwelcomed presence. Like a door to door salesperson. And often times, we remind them of what they did when they're trying to forget. It makes them feel like a bad person to see us. That's why often times, exes are cold or rude. It's avoidance. So give them what they want. Go radio silent. Never speak to them again. Let them stew in their decision. They might or might not come back and even if they do, who knows what self-serving reason it might be for. The damage is done. Trust is broken. We can't make them love us but we can get on with our lives and make this bad experience worth something meaningful.

[Minneloa]

Having a hard time today. Dealing with a personal loss (not breakup) and feeling depressed and depleted. But I got up, ate breakfast, and took a shower. These seem like little things, but to me they are victories. Plus, it feels great to be clean. :bunny:

 

Also, it was warmer today & I opened all of the windows in my house to let the breeze in. Trying to recognize the small things that are good.

[Michyyyy]

Not well at all. Saw my ex with the roommate going to get groceries. I can’t help but think other things. Then on the white board they put a to do list to finish wine with their names in parenthesis.

 

I need to gtfo out of this place. This is stressing me out. It literally feels like my heart is being eaten up. How can he be so nonchalant with this roommate. Isn’t he aware this hurts me? Probably doesn’t care. I shouldn’t either but I have to see it. How Am I supposed to move on in this state? Why did he have to get another female roommate.

 

I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m havign a panic attack for the first time in my life

[igotoverit]

I was just talking to a friend and I couldn't believe how far he's gone with his life. I logged onto facebook and realized how much time of my life was wasted. 5 years I'll never get back.. I feel like he ruined that past two years of my life after I moved and he feels no way about it. I wouldn't want an apology but I can't for the life of me understand why someone who do that to another human being. It is disgusting.. I hope they rot in hell.

[gonebibi]

Will be 2 months this Friday since she left me for a girl.

 

I have not been "sad" about the break up since around the 4th or 5th week? I have just been angry and feeling sorry for my self.

 

I don't have any friends but i am trying to make some in the hope i will meet some one else, she has been my life for the last 8 Years.

 

Its strange because all through the break up all she has said to me is nice things, basically that she is a horrible person for what she has done and that i dont deserve what she has done to me. Wanting to still be friends, she has not said a single bad word to me, other than making me feel like **** by telling me how much happier she is and how it was all worth it to be with this girl.

 

I am not sure what she has told her friends, other than she blamed the breakup initially on me and hid the reason that she left for some one else.

 

I have accepted all that has happened, But i still think i will hear from her eventually telling me what a huge mistake she has made. But in the meantime she is infatuated, and probably has not even given me a second thought for weeks now. I Hope deep down that the infatuation wears off soon - research suggest 3-6months so i guess its early days still.

 

She has been telling everyone how happy she is, and putting the odd thing on social media to let people know how loved up she is, i feel like a lot of it is a dig to try and get a rise out of me.

 

I now Feel numb about the whole situation? Its a very strange thing. I do miss her terribly but deep down i know its never going to be the same even if she ever did decide to come back.

[clist8511]

I more and more am feeling like I have nowhere else to turn, and that LS is becoming the only place I can seek help.

 

Yesterday, I thought I would look into different dating apps/websites (which is something I don’t want to do, but I was feeling desperate for instant human interaction). The thinking behind this was that perhaps I could just ‘talk’ to other women and see how I felt about that. So, I downloaded a few and signed in… I wasn’t able to really find anyone I found attractive – not that I thought everyone was ‘ugly’, but just that I was still comparing to my ex in terms of looks. So I just deleted all the apps I’d downloaded.

 

I think my mood during this was relatively OK – but I remember waking up at around 4am or so, and realising that it may be the case that I’ll be alone forever. I’m not really an extrovert, and meeting people is quite difficult for me just based on the fact that a) I don’t really have people to socialise WITH in the first place, so going out and meeting new people is harder than it would be with a group of friends and b) I’m quite shy, introverted and a bit awkward so again – approaching a woman isn’t easy.

 

Based on this thinking, I realise it’s either online dating (which I don’t really enjoy/like) or struggle through life on my own.

 

I tried to spend time with my aunt and her two sons, but without being rude she is incredibly difficult for me to be around for long periods of time. She smokes a lot of marijuana and her moods are strange, as well as her outlooks/opinions on life. For example, she can be quite homophobic. Not in an outright RUDE way, but just her general views on things… she kept referring to a trans person as ‘it’ and it just got under my skin.

 

She has a dog, which she doesn’t really look after, and it hurts me because I really care about animals and there’s not much I can do about him. She often shouts at him for things he hasn’t meant to do and threatens to abandon him, things like that – it makes me resent her. I don’t speak up because it would result in an argument, and then, even though I said I don’t like spending too much time around her, would result in me losing my only form of easy accessible actual human company.

 

She also just makes offensive comments – I told her I was going to be buying a bike to save money on travel and she just said “you’re going to waste all your money on bikes”, not quite understand that I am spending a lot more on public transport in the first place. She seems to be living in a sort of bubble in which her opinions and thoughts are rock solid evidence of the world, but she’s actually very ill-informed about a lot of things.

 

So it upsets me that this woman seems to be my only option of family/close human contact. That’s one of the things that’s led to my mood today.

 

Another is the loss of a close friend who decided she didn’t want to speak to me anymore because she finds my presence in her life stressful, and her unborn baby is more important than my friendship;

 

A) It isn’t ME that is the stressful one. Throughout our four-year friendship, I have always been there for her. In fact, we dated initially and then she broke up with me because she was in love with someone else (someone she couldn’t seem to stop talking about while we were dating). Anyway, even after that I ended up being ‘friends’ with her. She is incredibly unreliable – she often ‘hides’ when she’s due to meet someone, using the excuse of falling asleep or something else. If she does turn up, she’s often several hours late; this used to be as many as 6 or 7 hours but I think the amount of people moaning at her made her cut this down to 1 or 2 (which still isn’t acceptable to me). She would often ‘rank’ me against her other friends, treating them better after disagreements, making up quicker, inviting them to her house but not me, blocking me but never blocking anyone else, badmouthing me to others so that everyone else she knows has a bad opinion of me – so much so that I refused to meet any of her other friends because I didn’t feel comfortable around them.

 

B) I’m fine with people prioritising their babies. That’s what I’d do, too. But I feel as if it’s just ME she’s ousting from her life, despite the fact that’s it’s her that’s the problem. Despite the fact that others complain about her and the things she does, it’s ME that gets cut off, and told that I am the stressful one when no, it’s her. In fact, after writing this, I really feel like writing her an email telling her all of this.

 

After writing all of that out, I am glad we don’t talk. But I feel very isolated and alone as we would talk pretty much daily, and the chat would block out these isolated feelings.

 

So, back to my ex. I have depression and my ex would often offer advice and be around me when I needed company, etc. I am probably not thinking clearly, but I have tried NC. I tried it for ten weeks in 2017. It’s now been 4 weeks since I last spoke to her. I am on the verge of contacting her and just explaining that I’m not coping well at all with things, asking if we could meet up or just having someone to talk to that isn’t any of the above people. I am having trouble detaching from her and realising that she may not actually care about me anymore to that level, or that my contact may not be welcomed, or that she may actually be rude and tell me to leave her alone. I have no way of knowing how she will respond, if at all. I feel like I am not getting better. I feel worse. I have no one.

 

I tried to exercise and do the things that help. I now appear to have a slipped disc or something wrong with my back so I can’t go running - running was the thing that I was actually enjoying, even though I’d only been two or three days. Now I can’t go and can barely move around within my flat without deep pain.

 

I am not enjoying university. The journey to uni takes about an hour or so on public transport and slightly longer on my bike. I can’t really afford the public transport option so I bought the bike to make the journey but I feel like I’ve lost all confidence on it since I had an accident a few weeks ago that ended with a bruised rib and fractured foot. Travelling by public transport makes me highly anxious – the amount of people on the way overwhelms me to the point that I’ve often paid £30 or so for a taxi there and back (I can’t afford this at all). Sitting in a room with my peers who all appear so confident and extroverted – talking to each other in the breaks, socialising… I just don’t have it in me. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I feel so depressed and so alone that I can’t even bear to make the effort which I’m sure is a vicious cycle but there we are.

 

I’ve had counselling and psychotherapy since the break up – both services were not helpful due to the counsellor being heavily pregnant and having to keep taking days off which ended with inconsistent appointments. I’m on medication but I can’t feel any difference. There doesn’t really seem to be that much help for mental illnesses where I am.

 

So my end point is just that I really want to talk to my ex, but I’m scared of her response, scared of how it will make me feel, scared to find out whether she’s with someone else, etc. But I can’t really see how it can get worse than this.

 

TL;DR – My life is in a terrible state. I don’t really have anyone in my life whom I feel I can be around or who can support me during this time and I’m feeling that I’ve exhausted every option in terms of medical and mental health help, dating, working out - each option hasn’t worked for whatever reason. I feel like reaching out to my ex and explaining that I’m not coping, but don’t think this is a good idea and need some kind of rationalisation/help/advice.

[igotoverit]

Yup. We are here for you. I am about to read your entire post. I just ran to grab a coffee and am about to read it all.

[igotoverit]

First of all, it is quite normal to be analyzing your past in times like this when something happens. I can't see this for sure but you begin to question every event leading up to it.

 

 

You're putting way to much pressure on yourself to meet someone else and you haven't even went through the process of healing. Healing is feeling the pain and slowly accepting it as you come to terms with it. In time the acceptance will be there without the pain. That's when you know you're over it.

 

 

It's actually very healthy for people to be single for a certain amount of time before beginning a new relationship.

 

 

Now I struggle all the time but do believe I will meet a few jerks before I meet someone I like again and the jerks aren't even here yet. I mean I am at the point in my life where I know I need to be single.

 

 

Through this journey I have learned a little bit about myself and understand that moving to another area would make me happy alone. I am going to be moving in the summer unless something miraculous happens but it wont.

 

 

For the time being write to us but don't give up. If your single, your single, doesn't mean you'll be single forever. It just means you need to make some changes so you are happy on your own. That is your priority, not finding a women.

[igotoverit]

These guys judged me for things that aren't true of me but are true of others. This reflects them and not me. It shows how judgemental they are and even at their age of 40, they still make fun of people. That's not maturity at all and in the end, I feel sorry for them. If they enjoy hurting someone and it gives them that much pleasure then by all means, do what you have to do.

Edited January 22, 2018 by igotoverit

[Beachead]

Ugh..the thoughts that torment me. I blame myself so much for what happened.

 

Maybe if I hadn't let my anxiety get to me and acted a fool during those times she was screwing with my head..if I had stayed in control of myself, maybe she would have respected me more. Maybe my reactions drove her away.

 

But then I realize how freakin ridiculous it all is. I have to be put together while she gets to bounce back and forth with her thoughts. How would anybody feel when the person they've invested their heart into can't shut up about their ex. Can't stop comparing them to you. One week, tells you they're happy with you then the next week vocalize that they're unhappy, tries to leave but comes back. They would lose it. And when I finally lost my sh*t, she had the balls to judge me and tell me needed someone emotionally stronger. Made me feel like a weak person for getting angry over the way she was acting. As if I'm supposed to just sit there and take all this crap with a smile.

 

I blame myself everyday for it but no. That's not how it works. I risked my well-being to give her a shot and handled my feelings like she could get love anywhere she wanted. Didn't care that her on and off behavior was screwing with me. Eventually it just became all about servicing her and when I became an inconvenience from being worn down..she distanced, forced me to end it, and returned to her ex.

 

She can piss off and so can these thoughts.

[Fever of love]

Ugh..the thoughts that torment me. I blame myself so much for what happened.

 

 

 

Keep walking man. I was mainly freaking out bad about the breakup before I even found LS, and then I saw the first story where the dumpee had acted like me, then the 2nd, then the 3rd. Etc etc. We all do it, all go through the spin cycle, don't beat yourself up over a natural reaction.

 

It's just the good old universal grief cycle, you know that- check it out you're so clearly bouncing between Bargining:

 

 

Maybe if I hadn't let my anxiety get to me and acted a fool during those times she was screwing with my head..if I had stayed in control of myself, maybe she would have respected me more. Maybe my reactions drove her away.

 

 

And Anger:

 

 

She can piss off and so can these thoughts.

 

 

Just take a back seat and let it ride out the cycle man. You're processing. Acceptance will come.

 

Or so I hear

[igotoverit]

I went to the gym today. My anxiety is a little high because when I came home, I made a few calls but no one answered. I started to think it was just me... oh well if it is right? Got to start somewhere. I'll start at getting healthy..

[igotoverit]

I almost had a moment but I used my skills from dbt and it lasted a minute if that. I remembered his friend Christina calling me pretending to be a life coach, she said he'd be good for her and used this tone like I was an idiot "not for you" then I looked at a lot of different people and the fact she did it, shoes insecurity on her part. Ah, she can have him .. I picked myself up after that thought by thinking about other things.

[igotoverit]

I am just going to keep talking. I cried so often. I spent nights in tears and some nights even laying on my bathroom floor in despair. Wondering if so many people said yes to him because they saw what I saw and it made me jealous. It hurt but the reality is that no one would deliberately make someone cry and it never felt like the last tears either. I've been in situations where I was crying and I knew there would be no more tears to shed. In this case, it never stopped.. I will probably be the only living person on this planet who knows what it was like. I couldn't get another person to even understand it. move on, let go as if it were that easy. I truly believe God knew my pain and he was there... I hope he does something about it

[igotoverit]

I give up on wanting friends. I thought I wanted them but I dont. I give up on being liked. I give up on a lot of things i thought I wanted. I definitely don't want a work out bubuddy or a relationship. At this point I'm happy just to have work and write a fool of myself on this website. The good ol moderators are listening. Hello willaim

[igotoverit]

If anyone is reading. I figured depression out. You fall so many times til you pick yourself up finally and feel better then suddenly you don't want to fall anymore so you pick yourself up when you notice yourself falling, it wasn't a total waste cause that came after five years .. I'm getting off this site, I'm chasing everyone else away.

[maybejune]

If anyone is reading. I figured depression out. You fall so many times til you pick yourself up finally and feel better then suddenly you don't want to fall anymore so you pick yourself up when you notice yourself falling, it wasn't a total waste cause that came after five years .. I'm getting off this site, I'm chasing everyone else away.

 

I'm here. I hear you. You had helped me a lot.

 

Last week, he showed in my dream, and that shadowed my day, I even cried in office I took couple days off this site, because I related myself to every sad story here, and I felt deep sadness. Then I start to accept that my ex never loved me, he never wanted to share life with me even short period. So I was hurting and I spent the weekend to go through my emotions and cry as much as I wanted. -- I still have mood changes from day to day, but overall I'm more calm than before.

 

Let your emotions out, don't hold them in.

 

How are you since you finally get to NC? It may be hard in the first couple of weeks, you may literally look at clock and wait for the hours to pass, you may feel lonely because the phone now becomes too quiet and you're not used to it. But it will be better, you won't check your phone as frequently as before, you can go through the day not expecting anything to happen, or worrying about any drama.

 

Don't take the friends thing too seriously. As you know, I had those toxic friends, and they weren't good for me. Just go out and spend time with yourself. If you happen to meet people sharing similar interest, talk to them and have some laugh. Otherwise, you don't need to care much.

[Beachead]

I give up on wanting friends. I thought I wanted them but I dont. I give up on being liked. I give up on a lot of things i thought I wanted. I definitely don't want a work out bubuddy or a relationship. At this point I'm happy just to have work and write a fool of myself on this website. The good ol moderators are listening. Hello willaim

 

Completely normal feelings. You will get back to all that when you're ready. Right now no. And that's okay.