Beachead Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 This site is starting to hurt me more then it is helping me. I feel more stuck when I read lines about he's surely seeing someone else and all of this advice has me thinking more about my situation then I thought it would. I appreciate everyone who took the time to read and respond to me but I am going to take a brief break from LS and sometime offline. Away from the pain a short while. Do what you have to do. Remember, this is part of a long-term healing process. Stay strong.
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Rough night for me. Barley slept a wink. Couldn't switch my brain off. Any positive emotions I had seem to have vanished. It use to be the weekends i'd hate. Seems to be everyday atm. Feeling Disgusting low.
perception Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 After having some rough nights, I had a really good one yesterday. Today I'm seeing a psychologist and hopefully will be redirected to a good therapist (in time... you have to wait for a really long time to even get an appointment in my country). I have been very proactive as of late, also reconnecting with people/friends of old. So far I've found a new sportsteam, going regularly to the gym again, talking actively with my colleagues, staying for much longer than I usually did. My appetite isn't back however, i barely eat - And my weight is dropping rapidly - which is directly connected with the low energy I have right now. I know it to be a phase of mine and I will rebound from it pretty soon. -I'm pretty determined to get her out of my mind now, she doesn't deserve to linger there anymore.
Fever of love Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Is her birthday today. I'm still NC, but I'm suffering bad, and tortured by good memories. Its disturbing to my mind that even the past is not set in stone, and is always changing. Those good times, it turns out meant nothing to her, and every storyline we created together now just ends in her horrific betrayal. I got nothing to even hold onto anymore. Now shes with somebody else, no doubt having a good time and, It feels like our shared life for the last 22 years has just turned to dust and blown away. Life sometimes feel like an exquisitely designed personalised torture: whatever set of circumstances is going to torture your soul the most- life is sure to dish it up, and then give you extras on top. I'll be OK tomorrow.
snowcactus2 Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 "I remember you" - he said. "I've seen you before, you know... maybe six months ago, before we met". "Liar" - she laughed playfully. Millions of lifetimes have passed in millions of different realities. They have met, loved, and parted again, over and over. Pensive, he turned his head. "No, I definitely remember... it's your eyes. I've seen them in a dream". She didn't reply. Deep down, she believed him. Maybe in another life.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 My appetite isn't back however, i barely eat - And my weight is dropping rapidly - which is directly connected with the low energy I have right now. This has been a struggle for me too. I can't eat at all, which gives me super low energy and a constant pain in my stomach. I find it hard to do much of anything while feeling this way. Now I'm falling behind and having to catch up, further making me feel as if I should just sit around and do nothing. Ironically part of the reason we broke up is I felt as if she was holding me back from getting things done and now I can't get anything done by myself. But like you said it's a phase and we both want to get better -- that's an important distinction.
inmyownworld Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 I cried a river last night. Today I feel sad and mad. Ugh. I think I am going to have to cut all contact with the ex as I think it's hurting me more answering his questions about what happened. I didn't answer his last email yet and I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I feel bad, guilty? because I agreed to be friends, but I didn't know it would be this hard.
Beachead Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 (edited) I cried a river last night. Today I feel sad and mad. Ugh. I think I am going to have to cut all contact with the ex as I think it's hurting me more answering his questions about what happened. I didn't answer his last email yet and I don't know if I have the strength to do it. I feel bad, guilty? because I agreed to be friends, but I didn't know it would be this hard. That's why you can't be friends following a breakup, for the reasons you are discovering. It's always going to be difficult. You wanted a relationship and now you have to settle for less because lets be honest, less is what it certainly feels like. You're not going to hang out and if you do, that feeling of "What's going on between us" will be in the back of both of your minds. You'll always question if you should reach out or not or if you are reaching out too much. If you cut back. Always having to second guess yourself. Furthermore, if they broke up with you, chances are, everything is on their terms and you are following their lead. Dumpers propose friendship for self-serving reasons. Either to help themselves ween themselves off of you because cutting you out cold turkey is too difficult. Essentially, your presence makes it easier for them to get over you. It also helps them soothe their guilt for breaking up with you. Make them feel like they're not a bad person. And the final reason that'll smoke out all the bs where a day comes when your ex meets someone new. You end up seeing pictures of them two online. You end up hearing about it. You won't be happy. It would hurt. And they would certainly distance themselves from you because what partner wants someone's ex lingering in the picture. In the end, we wind up regretting the whole thing and filled with resentment. No one to blame but ourselves. Hence, there is nothing genuine about a friendship that immediately follows a breakup. It only serves the dumper. The dumpee sticks around because they know deep down inside what needs to be done is too difficult. They end up hurting themselves real badly as a result. Having said that, a friendship is possible..but maybe 2-3 years later once both parties have gotten through their grief, had time to evaluate and reflect on the relationship and have learned to be happy without eachother. Edited January 18, 2018 by Beachead 1
inmyownworld Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 That's why you can't be friends following a breakup, for the reasons you are discovering. It's always going to be difficult. You wanted a relationship and now you have to settle for less because lets be honest, less is what it certainly feels like. You're not going to hang out and if you do, that feeling of "What's going on between us" will be in the back of both of your minds. You'll always question if you should reach out or not or if you are reaching out too much. If you cut back. Always having to second guess yourself. Furthermore, if they broke up with you, chances are, everything is on their terms and you are following their lead. Dumpers propose friendship for self-serving reasons. Either to help themselves ween themselves off of you because cutting you out cold turkey is too difficult. Essentially, your presence makes it easier for them to get over you. It also helps them soothe their guilt for breaking up with you. Make them feel like they're not a bad person. And the final reason that'll smoke out all the bs where a day comes when your ex meets someone new. You end up seeing pictures of them two online. You end up hearing about it. You won't be happy. It would hurt. And they would certainly distance themselves from you because what partner wants someone's ex lingering in the picture. In the end, we wind up regretting the whole thing and filled with resentment. No one to blame but ourselves. Hence, there is nothing genuine about a friendship that immediately follows a breakup. It only serves the dumper. The dumpee sticks around because they know deep down inside what needs to be done is too difficult. They end up hurting themselves real badly as a result. Having said that, a friendship is possible..but maybe 2-3 years later once both parties have gotten through their grief, had time to evaluate and reflect on the relationship and have learned to be happy without eachother. Yes, I am the dumper, but I think the break up is harder on me, because I am dealing with fall out/recovery of my feelings from the emotional abuse and the break up. I had no choice but to be the dumper to protect myself and in a way, I feel like the dumpee. I agreed to help him with figuring out why he is an abuser. I don't feel guilty about the break up, but I do feel guilty now for saying I would be friends and help him. Now I need to take it away after committing to it. I don't feel good about going back on my word. Such a messed up situation and I am so confused. I think ultimately I have to realize I need to be selfish and take care of myself, but I don't know. It's tearing me apart. The bad part is, every day I feel different and think different about what I need to do.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Having said that, a friendship is possible..but maybe 2-3 years later once both parties have gotten through their grief, had time to evaluate and reflect on the relationship and have learned to be happy without eachother. We both agreed that we want to reconnect down the line. She asked if we could still talk sometimes now and I said it would only make things harder for both of us. It's really hard to not reach out when I know she wants me to. It's hard to know we can't be together when I know we both want to be. The frustration and resentment I felt during our relationship doesn't register with me anymore. I feel like those weren't valid feelings, that I overreacted or that I wasn't patient enough with her. I know that I was not content because I had been thinking of breaking up for the last month or two, but now I feel like I'd do anything to have her back. One thing keeping me going is the knowledge that my first ex and I broke up like five times and each time nothing changed when we got back together. I just don't know how to convince myself that it's what is best for me and that I'll be okay. Mutual breakups are tougher than I imagined.
Beachead Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 (edited) Yes, I am the dumper, but I think the break up is harder on me, because I am dealing with fall out/recovery of my feelings from the emotional abuse and the break up. I had no choice but to be the dumper to protect myself and in a way, I feel like the dumpee. I agreed to help him with figuring out why he is an abuser. I don't feel guilty about the break up, but I do feel guilty now for saying I would be friends and help him. Now I need to take it away after committing to it. I don't feel good about going back on my word. Such a messed up situation and I am so confused. I think ultimately I have to realize I need to be selfish and take care of myself, but I don't know. It's tearing me apart. The bad part is, every day I feel different and think different about what I need to do. Ahh I see. My apologies for jumping the gun. Also I'm sorry for how you are feeling. In your particular case, it's different because you were forced to dump him since he was doing you wrong but you really wanted it to work out. So yea it makes sense why it hits you harder and why you feel like the one who was dumped. I assume it just came to the point where his abuse forced you into a position where you had no choice but to leave to save yourself. But you still love him..you just can't be with him because of this. I wouldn't try to guide him through his issues though..mainly because it is hurting you to do so. It is something he will have to work out by himself. By losing you, it may even actually change him for the better. But if you stay, you are telling him "Hey it's okay that you did these things to me." Because it is hurting you, you must put yourself first and protect your well-being. Your mind is all you have and if you lose that, you won't be able to pick yourself back up and may fall into a hard depression. If that happens, you won't be good for anybody. Not for him and especially not to yourself. Edited January 18, 2018 by Beachead
divegrl Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Feeling free. Sending love and gratitude my friends. 1
inmyownworld Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Ahh I see. My apologies for jumping the gun. Also I'm sorry for how you are feeling. In your particular case, it's different because you were forced to dump him since he was doing you wrong but you really wanted it to work out. So yea it makes sense why it hits you harder and why you feel like the one who was dumped. I assume it just came to the point where his abuse forced you into a position where you had no choice but to leave to save yourself. But you still love him..you just can't be with him because of this. I wouldn't try to guide him through his issues though..mainly because it is hurting you to do so. It is something he will have to work out by himself. By losing you, it may even actually change him for the better. But if you stay, you are telling him "Hey it's okay that you did these things to me." Because it is hurting you, you must put yourself first and protect your well-being. Your mind is all you have and if you lose that, you won't be able to pick yourself back up and may fall into a hard depression. If that happens, you won't be good for anybody. Not for him and especially not to yourself. Yes, that is the whole problem. I still love him....he's my best friend....I want to be with him....but I can't. I wish he had dumped me. I think it would be easier.
igotoverit Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 I just got back from DBT therapy. I had a really great class today and we spoke a lot about core values. Often guilt, shame, etc can happen when your behavior doesn't meet your core values. A lot of us don't even know about our core values. My exercise is to establish what my core values are and then make small steps towards goals. An example is that I want to be phsycially fit and find more clients. So maybe tonight, I look for some work and take a walk. Gradually over time you can increase productivity and start to feel better about yourself. 2
Beachead Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Yes, I am the dumper, but I think the break up is harder on me, because I am dealing with fall out/recovery of my feelings from the emotional abuse and the break up. I had no choice but to be the dumper to protect myself and in a way, I feel like the dumpee. I agreed to help him with figuring out why he is an abuser. I don't feel guilty about the break up, but I do feel guilty now for saying I would be friends and help him. Now I need to take it away after committing to it. I don't feel good about going back on my word. Such a messed up situation and I am so confused. I think ultimately I have to realize I need to be selfish and take care of myself, but I don't know. It's tearing me apart. The bad part is, every day I feel different and think different about what I need to do. It's fear of the unknown..an unknown future. And you're thinking..am I making the right decision? Am I a bad person? Will I find someone new again? Will I be okay? Will they be okay? I think deep down inside, you know what to do. You are just emotionally working your way towards it little by little. Processing. It may take time to get to that point though. Maybe you two will get back together. Maybe you may need to go through a repeated situation to confirm your decision. It's all part of the process. Make the best decisions you can with the available information in the given moment and don't look back. Sooner or later, the answers will come. I think the reason you ended it is what you should focus on. There is significance to it.
igotoverit Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 I am emotionally exhausted from this experience. I don't think he treated me like I was a human being. I don't think any of it was right. I did allow this to happen by keeping engaged and my excuse was that I was obsessed with him. To be honest, it isn't rational so I am going to spend time reflecting on this a little more. I have to feel it to heal it. I think realistically, I do not know him well enough, our core values may not even align. It's a blessing that I can spend this time with myself and once I know myself then chose a partner who is suitable for me. It doesn't make this process any easier but it does make it sound right. I guess it's time to take responsibility in moving forward.
inmyownworld Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Ahh I see. My apologies for jumping the gun. Also I'm sorry for how you are feeling. In your particular case, it's different because you were forced to dump him since he was doing you wrong but you really wanted it to work out. So yea it makes sense why it hits you harder and why you feel like the one who was dumped. I assume it just came to the point where his abuse forced you into a position where you had no choice but to leave to save yourself. But you still love him..you just can't be with him because of this. I wouldn't try to guide him through his issues though..mainly because it is hurting you to do so. It is something he will have to work out by himself. By losing you, it may even actually change him for the better. But if you stay, you are telling him "Hey it's okay that you did these things to me." Because it is hurting you, you must put yourself first and protect your well-being. Your mind is all you have and if you lose that, you won't be able to pick yourself back up and may fall into a hard depression. If that happens, you won't be good for anybody. Not for him and especially not to yourself. That might be the worst part. He said he was going to get into therapy. If he does and does change for the better, his next gf will get the better version of him. I want to throw up thinking about that. Even though that makes me physically ill to think about, even if he got better, I don't think I could take him back. The damage has been done and it keeps replaying in my head.
Beachead Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 That might be the worst part. He said he was going to get into therapy. If he does and does change for the better, his next gf will get the better version of him. I want to throw up thinking about that. Even though that makes me physically ill to think about, even if he got better, I don't think I could take him back. The damage has been done and it keeps replaying in my head. ..and someone new will have a better version of you. It's just hard for you to see that right now. Because when you do heal from this, you may not realize it but you will have all the experience you gained from this in you. It'll flow through into your personality and perception of life and change who you choose to keep as company as well as the way you interact with others. You have become a person who holds far more respect for yourself than you have before. You have discovered your limits. You have realized you are capable of saying "No." Matter of fact, out of all the people in your life, you said no to someone you love when you really wanted to be with them only because you valued your well-being and he was taking it away from you. That takes tremendous strength and a love for yourself that you will carry into your future relationships..be it platonic/romantic/familial. Important thing to remember is we cannot sacrifice our well-being trying to be there for others. Our well-being is priority. Without it, how can we even be there for anyone? Or be there for ourself? We'll be a trainwreck good for nobody and draining everybody. So right now, it's just not possible to remain friends but although that may be true right now, it may not be in the future. Sometimes people need time apart to reflect, to regret, to miss, heal, grow, change etc. and that silence will do a lot of good work. If he cares for you and if this is a true bond, he will get passed your decision to leave and with time you two may reunite again..as friends or something more. 1
maybejune Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 That might be the worst part. He said he was going to get into therapy. If he does and does change for the better, his next gf will get the better version of him. I want to throw up thinking about that. Even though that makes me physically ill to think about, even if he got better, I don't think I could take him back. The damage has been done and it keeps replaying in my head. I feel the same, it's like I was the one to wake him up to know he needs to improve, but then I won't benefit from what he had learned. I don't want to be part of his learning process, I want to be the one growing up with him.-- well, he doesn't want to grow up with me anyway.
maybejune Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 This is such a powerful comment!!! The most important thing I learned from my failed relationship is, I should take care of myself, my feelings first. It has been very hard for me, when it involves the ones I love, family members and romantic relationship. I can easily put their well being above my own, I want them to be happy even by sacrificing my happiness. I don't think that's a good thing, because in long run, I will have negative emotions accumulating in my heart and just a matter of time, I won't be able to take more and I will crash. Family members may not leave me, but boyfriend will. ..and someone new will have a better version of you. It's just hard for you to see that right now. Because when you do heal from this, you may not realize it but you will have all the experience you gained from this in you. It'll flow through into your personality and perception of life and change who you choose to keep as company as well as the way you interact with others. You have become a person who holds far more respect for yourself than you have before. You have discovered your limits. You have realized you are capable of saying "No." Matter of fact, out of all the people in your life, you said no to someone you love when you really wanted to be with them only because you valued your well-being and he was taking it away from you. That takes tremendous strength and a love for yourself that you will carry into your future relationships..be it platonic/romantic/familial. Important thing to remember is we cannot sacrifice our well-being trying to be there for others. Our well-being is priority. Without it, how can we even be there for anyone? Or be there for ourself? We'll be a trainwreck good for nobody and draining everybody. So right now, it's just not possible to remain friends but although that may be true right now, it may not be in the future. Sometimes people need time apart to reflect, to regret, to miss, heal, grow, change etc. and that silence will do a lot of good work. If he cares for you and if this is a true bond, he will get passed your decision to leave and with time you two may reunite again..as friends or something more.
Beachead Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 We both agreed that we want to reconnect down the line. She asked if we could still talk sometimes now and I said it would only make things harder for both of us. It's really hard to not reach out when I know she wants me to. It's hard to know we can't be together when I know we both want to be. The frustration and resentment I felt during our relationship doesn't register with me anymore. I feel like those weren't valid feelings, that I overreacted or that I wasn't patient enough with her. I know that I was not content because I had been thinking of breaking up for the last month or two, but now I feel like I'd do anything to have her back. One thing keeping me going is the knowledge that my first ex and I broke up like five times and each time nothing changed when we got back together. I just don't know how to convince myself that it's what is best for me and that I'll be okay. Mutual breakups are tougher than I imagined. Did you post a thread on your situation? I could take a look and provide some insight. It's good that you are using LS to help you. One tip I can give is I would get notebook and journal out a passage about why it ended between you two for EACH time you two broke up and then highlight all the common points between all of them. 5 passages for 5 breakups. I bet you you will find some interesting common denominators. When you catch yourself feeling doubt, guilt, weakness..reread your journals or write a new one but continue with it everytime you feel weak. Make sure you write out why you wanted to end it with her. This is your counter against those horrible feelings that make you lose your appetite and make you consider returning to an unhealthy relationship. You must be completely honest with yourself. This journal is for you. No holds barred.
igotoverit Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 awe My best friend who lives two entire provinces away just called me. He really see's that my confidence is down and wants me to get back into the gym. He told me to go to the gym and get the quote and everything sent to him, and he would pay for my monthly gym membership on the condition I do it for the right reason and to rebuild my health and confidence .. We've been best friends for a decade. We dated ten years ago but we didn't work out because I was very shallow at the time, and left him for a better looking guy I met through work. He's doing it for accountability and since I am not paying for it, will most likely join.
igotoverit Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 awe My best friend who lives two entire provinces away just called me. He really see's that my confidence is down and wants me to get back into the gym. He told me to go to the gym and get the quote and everything sent to him, and he would pay for my monthly gym membership on the condition I do it for the right reason and to rebuild my health and confidence .. We've been best friends for a decade. We dated ten years ago but we didn't work out because I was very shallow at the time, and left him for a better looking guy I met through work. He's doing it for accountability and since I am not paying for it, will most likely join. When he called the gym to tell them that his friend was down and out and he wants to get her (me), a gym membership, they were like OMG that's so sweet. I am going tomorrow and I'll be the one with such a good friend
igotoverit Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 Some nights are painful because I know he's with another women. I had to tell myself today that you have never even met her so why are you comparing yourself to someone you have never met. I also tell myself that he valued her, while he devalued you, so regardless of how you feel about this, you have to move on.
inmyownworld Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 ]..and someone new will have a better version of you.[/b] It's just hard for you to see that right now. Because when you do heal from this, you may not realize it but you will have all the experience you gained from this in you. It'll flow through into your personality and perception of life and change who you choose to keep as company as well as the way you interact with others. You have become a person who holds far more respect for yourself than you have before. You have discovered your limits. You have realized you are capable of saying "No." Matter of fact, out of all the people in your life, you said no to someone you love when you really wanted to be with them only because you valued your well-being and he was taking it away from you. That takes tremendous strength and a love for yourself that you will carry into your future relationships..be it platonic/romantic/familial. Important thing to remember is we cannot sacrifice our well-being trying to be there for others. Our well-being is priority. Without it, how can we even be there for anyone? Or be there for ourself? We'll be a trainwreck good for nobody and draining everybody. So right now, it's just not possible to remain friends but although that may be true right now, it may not be in the future. Sometimes people need time apart to reflect, to regret, to miss, heal, grow, change etc. and that silence will do a lot of good work. If he cares for you and if this is a true bond, he will get passed your decision to leave and with time you two may reunite again..as friends or something more. Thank you. This really resonated with me. I do have to focus on my own healing so that I can move forward and stop worrying about him.
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