clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Do you think you are ready to date? I get the feeling that you may not be. Why the hurry? It seems like you were trying to get over her last time and you tried dating, right? Then, you quickly grew attached to that woman as well. Just my observation from the limited knowledge here, maybe you should try to fill the hole inside before you try to date. If you aren't ready, a rejection could send you down the proverbial rabbit hole, friend. I'm not ready to date, no. I just did it because I thought at the time that it may get me out of this way of thinking, but I don't really feel ready. Yes, I tried dating someone else and it didn't work - and the rejection from that hurt more than it should have. I'm definitely going to sort myself out before anything happens, yes. You're right about that - there is work to be done.
igotoverit Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Jealous? I'm not sure what you mean? Maybe I do have an obsession. I've been reading though about traumatic bonding and it feels like the bond hasn't broken. Sorry, I thought you were jealous of the new person she was or would be with. i think you contacting her would help break that attachment to be honest. Nc seems like a game unless she asked you not to contact her again.
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 you want to speak with her why? To get back together? But, she doesn't want that. You want to speak just to be friendly? Wouldn't that make it extremely hard on you? It is normal to feel that way, I believe. I would like to speak to my ex too, so I get it, but I can't think of anything relative to say. She doesn't want to speak to me apparently so it would be like talking to a wall. You feel like this too? Really? I am feeling crazy. This is so helpful to know that this is a normal feeling. In all honesty I don't know what it would achieve. Asking her to get back together would result in a "no". Asking to meet up would result in a "no" or we would do it, sleep together, have her act all affectionate and then go home and reject me completely again. So that's a no. To be friendly wouldn't work either - I'd want to talk in the same way we had done in the relationship, all the time, good nights and good mornings... want to know if she's met anyone, analysing all the messages for signs of affection.. so no that wouldn't work. And the only reason I believe she was cordial with me in our last contact was because I was agreeing with what she was saying. Any opposition is met by annoyance and anger with her. she gets angry very easily and quickly.
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Sorry, I thought you were jealous of the new person she was or would be with. i think you contacting her would help break that attachment to be honest. Nc seems like a game unless she asked you not to contact her again. Our last contact was us agreeing to take some time apart and no contact for both of us to heal. This isn't what I actually wanted but I was agreeing with it because the alternative (asking to get back together) would have just resulted in pain and annoyance from her side. I suppose after having that conversation I can't really message her again. 1
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 You feel like this too? Really? I am feeling crazy. This is so helpful to know that this is a normal feeling. In all honesty I don't know what it would achieve. Asking her to get back together would result in a "no". Asking to meet up would result in a "no" or we would do it, sleep together, have her act all affectionate and then go home and reject me completely again. So that's a no. To be friendly wouldn't work either - I'd want to talk in the same way we had done in the relationship, all the time, good nights and good mornings... want to know if she's met anyone, analysing all the messages for signs of affection.. so no that wouldn't work. And the only reason I believe she was cordial with me in our last contact was because I was agreeing with what she was saying. Any opposition is met by annoyance and anger with her. she gets angry very easily and quickly. Sounds like you have answered you question. Don't message her. And yes, all I want is to talk to her. But, I can't. I am not s believer that you must always go NC, but if staying in contact is hurting you, then yeah... you got to... 2
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Not giving my opinion on whether i think you're right or wrong. But i will say this never, just send a message. What does it say about you? and how important your message is? if you don't do it face to face. Seeing someone face to face says you've got the confidence and belief in yourself to do it. You value exactly what you have to say. And you didn't take the easy option of messaging. We both changed our numbers (messy break up) and I can only get in touch through Instagram... I know where she lives but she lives with family and I'm not sure just turning up unexpectedly would be a good idea - they also live quite far away and I don't know her routine anymore
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Sounds like you have answered you question. Don't message her. And yes, all I want is to talk to her. But, I can't. I am not s believer that you must always go NC, but if staying in contact is hurting you, then yeah... you got to... why not wait a couple of months, and if you want to reach out, do it then. 1
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Sounds like you have answered you question. Don't message her. And yes, all I want is to talk to her. But, I can't. I am not s believer that you must always go NC, but if staying in contact is hurting you, then yeah... you got to... Did your ex tell you that she didn't want to talk? You're right though. Staying in contact with certain people is more painful, it seems the brain has a propensity to forget the pain or something. I think I'm looking for relief from this situation, I don't know. I won't message her. I suppose this is all about strength
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Did your ex tell you that she didn't want to talk? You're right though. Staying in contact with certain people is more painful, it seems the brain has a propensity to forget the pain or something. I think I'm looking for relief from this situation, I don't know. I won't message her. I suppose this is all about strength No, she didn't. She was too much of a coward. The last text from her said she loved me, then she just disappeared.
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Did your ex tell you that she didn't want to talk? You're right though. Staying in contact with certain people is more painful, it seems the brain has a propensity to forget the pain or something. I think I'm looking for relief from this situation, I don't know. I won't message her. I suppose this is all about strength I think there is also something weird that makes us want to hold on to the pain as it keeps that person in the forefront of our minds, and in a weird way it makes us feel like we are "doing something" about it. When we lose contact, we lose the closeness and that is all we have, so we force contact. Just my experience, Vicious cycle. Man, it sucks.
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 No, she didn't. She was too much of a coward. The last text from her said she loved me, then she just disappeared. Wow, that's horrible. I guess people don't really stop to think how others might be affected by their actions. How long ago was that? I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
CantTakeMySmile Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Wow, that's horrible. I guess people don't really stop to think how others might be affected by their actions. How long ago was that? I'm really sorry you had to go through that. The day after Thanksgiving. Thanks. It is a struggle for sure.
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 We both changed our numbers (messy break up) and I can only get in touch through Instagram... I know where she lives but she lives with family and I'm not sure just turning up unexpectedly would be a good idea - they also live quite far away and I don't know her routine anymore Yeah that could be a slight problem. One of the things about seeing someone is A) Just seeing someone again can rekindle old feeling, it really can. B) The other person gets to see body language. And that's 90% of how human communicate. If you send a "nothing" messages You'll get "nothing" back. How you find her, i don't know. But seeing her face to face. Confident in yourself. Strong enough to do the hard thing of finding her and seeing her. Will have much more impact than a "message" I've decided this week i'm going to see my Ex. 1
igotoverit Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Yeah that could be a slight problem. One of the things about seeing someone is A) Just seeing someone again can rekindle old feeling, it really can. B) The other person gets to see body language. And that's 90% of how human communicate. If you send a "nothing" messages You'll get "nothing" back. How you find her, i don't know. But seeing her face to face. Confident in yourself. Strong enough to do the hard thing of finding her and seeing her. Will have much more impact than a "message" I've decided this week i'm going to see my Ex. Not me .. not now, not ever. I feel more positive because i have no desire to see him. I just need to log off and be a bit more productive and that appears to be a problem for me. I think I'm depressed. 1
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Not me .. not now, not ever. I feel more positive because i have no desire to see him. I just need to log off and be a bit more productive and that appears to be a problem for me. I think I'm depressed. Maybe you are depressed - it's not uncommon in this situation. I feel the same. I just went for a walk and the world is still moving! I felt quite stupid for spending a lot of time on LS complaining. But you know what you'll get there when you get there. It's important not to force things. 1
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Yeah that could be a slight problem. One of the things about seeing someone is A) Just seeing someone again can rekindle old feeling, it really can. B) The other person gets to see body language. And that's 90% of how human communicate. If you send a "nothing" messages You'll get "nothing" back. How you find her, i don't know. But seeing her face to face. Confident in yourself. Strong enough to do the hard thing of finding her and seeing her. Will have much more impact than a "message" I've decided this week i'm going to see my Ex. She's one of those "stop stalking me" types - she wouldn't take too kindly me doing that. When we were actually together and arguing - if I said "right, I'm coming over to sort this out" (which I thought and still think is a reasonable thing to suggest/say), she'd erupt in anger and warn me in no uncertain terms not to come over. Seemed to be a bone of contention for her. That's why me contacting her is such a hard thing; she is unpredictable, volatile, often angry, dismissive, not really that compassionate at times. Like I said the only reason she was cordial the last time we spoke was because I was in agreement with her. You're going to see your ex? What do you mean, how and what are you aiming for?
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 The day after Thanksgiving. Thanks. It is a struggle for sure. That's awful. Is Thanksgiving in November? (I'm UK based, lol) - seems like a few months ago, right?
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Not me .. not now, not ever. I feel more positive because i have no desire to see him. I just need to log off and be a bit more productive and that appears to be a problem for me. I think I'm depressed. Don't be hard on yourself, be kind to yourself. One thing i always remember is Dominick Cruz, Big fan(MMA fighter) Got asked after a "tough" Loss How he felt about it(Btw He lost his title, against someone where it was personal, coupled with the fact it was a pretty bad beating) He replied "What was tough about it?" Interviewer "The loss of course" His response "Loss is a part of life, If you don't have loss then you don't ever get the CHANCE to GROW. This isn't tough, this is life" I do feel like i've got a lot stronger though this experience. Its true this is just an opportunity to grow. Growing just hurts Lol 2
igotoverit Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Don't be hard on yourself, be kind to yourself. One thing i always remember is Dominick Cruz, Big fan(MMA fighter) Got asked after a "tough" Loss How he felt about it(Btw He lost his title, against someone where it was personal, coupled with the fact it was a pretty bad beating) He replied "What was tough about it?" Interviewer "The loss of course" His response "Loss is a part of life, If you don't have loss then you don't ever get the CHANCE to GROW. This isn't tough, this is life" I do feel like i've got a lot stronger though this experience. Its true this is just an opportunity to grow. Growing just hurts Lol Except technically, I didn't loose anything. I realized this past week that I don't even care about the man, that I have an addiction to online and I am extremely lazy. I have a counselling appointment today at 5 and I May cancel it just so I can stay in bed one more day ...
hurtsbadjusthurts Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Except technically, I didn't loose anything. I realized this past week that I don't even care about the man, that I have an addiction to online and I am extremely lazy. I have a counselling appointment today at 5 and I May cancel it just so I can stay in bed one more day ... You may not know it, but your in the same boat as me. It was a "tough" loss. I think it is for everyone. Even if the person that we ended with was bad news. I lost a lot of self-confidence, its only just coming back. I lost some self-worth, i looked for any little mistake that happened and blamed myself for. I lost my faith in others, I've put barriers up to stop people getting close to me and knowing how hurt i am. All i wanted to be is on my own. Loss is part of life. Its an opportunity to grow. We'll all get better. And stronger as a result. 2
inmyownworld Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 She's one of those "stop stalking me" types - she wouldn't take too kindly me doing that. When we were actually together and arguing - if I said "right, I'm coming over to sort this out" (which I thought and still think is a reasonable thing to suggest/say), she'd erupt in anger and warn me in no uncertain terms not to come over. Seemed to be a bone of contention for her. That's why me contacting her is such a hard thing; she is unpredictable, volatile, often angry, dismissive, not really that compassionate at times. Like I said the only reason she was cordial the last time we spoke was because I was in agreement with her. You're going to see your ex? What do you mean, how and what are you aiming for? Probably in your case, it's better not to contact her since you both agreed not to. I feel your pain, it's devastating. But she doesn't sound like she's going to help you along the way. My ex and I are still cordial, so it's different, but I'm devastated still. I want to talk to him all the time and crawl into bed with him, but I know the relationship was toxic. I'm trying to put logic over emotion, but we all know emotions are hard to control, well at least for me. 1
clist8511 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Probably in your case, it's better not to contact her since you both agreed not to. I feel your pain, it's devastating. But she doesn't sound like she's going to help you along the way. My ex and I are still cordial, so it's different, but I'm devastated still. I want to talk to him all the time and crawl into bed with him, but I know the relationship was toxic. I'm trying to put logic over emotion, but we all know emotions are hard to control, well at least for me. Feel like that can be harder when you and the ex are still on cordial terms... why did you break up? Emotions are so hard to manage for some - me included. If there were no emotions this whole thing would be so much easier.
inmyownworld Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Feel like that can be harder when you and the ex are still on cordial terms... why did you break up? Emotions are so hard to manage for some - me included. If there were no emotions this whole thing would be so much easier. He can't control his emotionally abusive side, so it was toxic for me. I know it sounds wierd, but he's a great person, just has an issue. Talking to him still I guess is filling the hole of companionship for me. I feel "better" that we still talk, but I might be fooling myself. Who knows.
igotoverit Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Have a coffee date tomorrow night but a very platonic one. It's not a romantic date, it is a coffee date and it's a start for me to connect with other people. I've been in a bit of denial and realize he isn't coming back. He was cruel to me and why I have to remind myself of that I dnot know. I didn't stay on this forum sulking all day so that's a sign of improvement. 1
sorano Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 I had a dream about my ex. Not sure what happened but it kind of rattled me. wasn't feeling right today. Guess I have to let these emotions ride. wait it out and just relax. One day, everything will be ok. 1
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