How are you coping today?

[clist8511]

I used to have a friend who would always commend me on my decision to remain single after a break up, stating that she was unable to cope with the subsequent pain of a break up, even though she knew that this was highly unhealthy. I am wondering if I am the same. I am also starting to wonder whether there is something wrong with me, for not getting over this sooner.

[divegrl]

I'm sorry to hear that you became ill. How long were you together/been apart?

 

We were together for about a year, a couple years ago. Then we most recently tried again this fall. Last contact before this was in early December.

 

Thanks for asking. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re feeling a bit better today?

 

Sending hugs my friend.

[igotoverit]

I'm sorry for yours, too. I read through your posts often and it helps me to feel less alone, less crazy. Totally feel you on unloading the dryer, too. But look at it this way, you managed to get stuff together to put a load on in the first place, right? That's excellent.

 

Taking time out I think is important. But sometimes it feels like maybe the answer is to just jump into something else with someone else, that way the mind would be fully distracted, if that makes sense. You're also not alone going through it, we are all here together.

 

I need self reflection. If I were to date right now, I wouldn't attract the right person and could end up even more damaged.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

Quick update. I did end up texting the women i spoke to today(No fake number Lol Thought it might be!) It went what other would say "Great" Good connection, Flirting, laughs. I had made her day. She had lost her grandma a couple days before. So talking to me took her mind off it. Plus Apparently men haven't ever gone up to her(She damn stunning, Pretty much shocked me!). She found my confidence attractive.

 

The bad new is i'm really not really feeling it. Being flirty felt truly awful. Really didn't feel right. Worse is she seem so sweet. And we've got a lot in common. I'm glad i did what i did next, i told her how i was feeling about my Ex. Really did want to lie. There's enough pain atm, lying just adds to it. She was nice about it but said she don't want to be used and be someone "experiment"(I think she meant rebound)

 

All in all, I know i'm not okay. I miss my Ex terribly. I'm not ready for someone else. I'm so heart broken that i've put barriers up. and i'm not yet ready to let anyone in. I need to just be on my own for a while.

 

That and all i want in the world is to hug my Ex and fall asleep together, arm in arm :-(

[igotoverit]

Quick update. I did end up texting the women i spoke to today(No fake number Lol Thought it might be!) It went what other would say "Great" Good connection, Flirting, laughs. I had made her day. She had lost her grandma a couple days before. So talking to me took her mind off it. Plus Apparently men haven't ever gone up to her(She damn stunning, Pretty much shocked me!). She found my confidence attractive.

 

The bad new is i'm really not really feeling it. Being flirty felt truly awful. Really didn't feel right. Worse is she seem so sweet. And we've got a lot in common. I'm glad i did what i did next, i told her how i was feeling about my Ex. Really did want to lie. There's enough pain atm, lying just adds to it. She was nice about it but said she don't want to be used and be someone "experiment"(I think she meant rebound)

 

All in all, I know i'm not okay. I miss my Ex terribly. I'm not ready for someone else. I'm so heart broken that i've put barriers up. and i'm not yet ready to let anyone in. I need to just be on my own for a while.

 

That and all i want in the world is to hug my Ex and fall asleep together, arm in arm :-(

 

That's good that you made an effort. Dating is a difficult thing, even if you aren't hooked on an ex. Friends are okay too. Every experience is a good experience and one that you can learn from.

[igotoverit]

We were together for about a year, a couple years ago. Then we most recently tried again this fall. Last contact before this was in early December.

 

Thanks for asking. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re feeling a bit better today?

 

Sending hugs my friend.

 

I am learning you cant be hung up on guys. It is such a time waster ..

[maybejune]

Quick update. I did end up texting the women i spoke to today(No fake number Lol Thought it might be!) It went what other would say "Great" Good connection, Flirting, laughs. I had made her day. She had lost her grandma a couple days before. So talking to me took her mind off it. Plus Apparently men haven't ever gone up to her(She damn stunning, Pretty much shocked me!). She found my confidence attractive.

 

The bad new is i'm really not really feeling it. Being flirty felt truly awful. Really didn't feel right. Worse is she seem so sweet. And we've got a lot in common. I'm glad i did what i did next, i told her how i was feeling about my Ex. Really did want to lie. There's enough pain atm, lying just adds to it. She was nice about it but said she don't want to be used and be someone "experiment"(I think she meant rebound)

 

All in all, I know i'm not okay. I miss my Ex terribly. I'm not ready for someone else. I'm so heart broken that i've put barriers up. and i'm not yet ready to let anyone in. I need to just be on my own for a while.

 

That and all i want in the world is to hug my Ex and fall asleep together, arm in arm :-(

 

Don't push yourself for dating. If you feel comfortable to talk to her , even just for talking , I think it is still great. And it sounds like you are not comfortable about rebound either. I asked around people's opinion about casual sex and rebound, they said what I need ( similar to you) is the intimacy from real romance, which casual sex and rebound are not able to provide.

 

Myself had tried to get back to date in hoping I can miss my ex less, never worked that way. But if I have the chance to just talk to people more, I may feel less lonely.

[igotoverit]

Don't push yourself for dating. If you feel comfortable to talk to her , even just for talking , I think it is still great. And it sounds like you are not comfortable about rebound either. I asked around people's opinion about casual sex and rebound, they said what I need ( similar to you) is the intimacy from real romance, which casual sex and rebound are not able to provide.

 

Myself had tried to get back to date in hoping I can miss my ex less, never worked that way. But if I have the chance to just talk to people more, I may feel less lonely.

I have a forum on vaginal orgasms and the answers are astonishing because most people don't know what a vaginal orgasm is. They don't know their g spots and they don't have their physical needs met. It is okay to have a physical relationship while your recovering as long as you are responsible about it. Rebound is more trying to get emotional but there is nothing wrong with physical at all while you are recovering.

[maybejune]

I have a forum on vaginal orgasms and the answers are astonishing because most people don't know what a vaginal orgasm is. They don't know their g spots and they don't have their physical needs met. It is okay to have a physical relationship while your recovering as long as you are responsible about it. Rebound is more trying to get emotional but there is nothing wrong with physical at all while you are recovering.

 

Oh, No, I don't think it's wrong about rebound ( look, even not a rebound, I can't expect my date is serious anyway, so no difference) , just not sure if that would work the way I want.

[igotoverit]

Oh, No, I don't think it's wrong about rebound ( look, even not a rebound, I can't expect my date is serious anyway, so no difference) , just not sure if that would work the way I want.

 

 

 

Look - You are going to be fine, I promise. You attracted him in the first place didn't you? It is just that this particular relationship ran it's course and he is going to find his person while you are going to work on yourself and eventually find yours. We have already established he is gone and not coming back and the less work you put into yourself, the more your going to end up like me.... 5 years later, realizing, how much time you wasted on someone who did all the things you never did, including having sex.

 

Although your suffering and I empathize and sympathize with you. I am also suffering and with thoughts that he has probably given his girlfriend an orgasm because with my luck she falls under the percentage of women that do get vaginal orgasms. I am torturing myself over this guy just like a hundred other people are on this site and let's face it, they are screwing other women. If he isn't, he will.

 

 

Focus on your self confidence and let's get past these men and find lives beyond this. You should make other posts with more of your interests for distractions.

[maybejune]

Look - You are going to be fine, I promise. You attracted him in the first place didn't you? It is just that this particular relationship ran it's course and he is going to find his person while you are going to work on yourself and eventually find yours. We have already established he is gone and not coming back and the less work you put into yourself, the more your going to end up like me.... 5 years later, realizing, how much time you wasted on someone who did all the things you never did, including having sex.

 

Although your suffering and I empathize and sympathize with you. I am also suffering and with thoughts that he has probably given his girlfriend an orgasm because with my luck she falls under the percentage of women that do get vaginal orgasms. I am torturing myself over this guy just like a hundred other people are on this site and let's face it, they are screwing other women. If he isn't, he will.

 

 

Focus on your self confidence and let's get past these men and find lives beyond this. You should make other posts with more of your interests for distractions.

 

you're absolutely right. I will put more time on myself.

[clist8511]

We were together for about a year, a couple years ago. Then we most recently tried again this fall. Last contact before this was in early December.

 

Thanks for asking. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re feeling a bit better today?

 

Sending hugs my friend.

 

So when you broke up for the first time, did you stop talking? I'm sorry to hear it didn't work the second time around, that must have been really hard and quite painful.

 

I thought I was feeling better, but I think about her pretty much constantly, lol. Annoying, really. Annoying that we have to do this whole NC thing in the first place.

[inmyownworld]

So when you broke up for the first time, did you stop talking? I'm sorry to hear it didn't work the second time around, that must have been really hard and quite painful.

 

I thought I was feeling better, but I think about her pretty much constantly, lol. Annoying, really. Annoying that we have to do this whole NC thing in the first place.

 

I broke up with my bf about a month ago and we are not NC. Oddly, (for me) it's helping. I don't think one way is better than the other. Basically, we have some loose ends to tie up. I saw him yesterday to exchange stuff and had a good talk. Ir helped to ease my pain a little.

[igotoverit]

I broke up with my bf about a month ago and we are not NC. Oddly, (for me) it's helping. I don't think one way is better than the other. Basically, we have some loose ends to tie up. I saw him yesterday to exchange stuff and had a good talk. Ir helped to ease my pain a little.

 

 

 

Here is my take on NC.

 

 

NC is only relevant if one person wants to rekindle the relationship and the other person does not. If the contact you are having is leading you on, then you absolutely need to cut off contact. If the person has rejected you, ignored you, made it clear that they don't want to speak to you, or abuse is involved - then you have to struggle with nc. Depending on your personality, that kind of rejection can make it difficult to move on.

 

 

Some personalities do not mesh with others and not everyone is empathetic or compassionate to those who suffer with letting go.

 

 

Some from what I gather feel like by not responding they are doing the other a favor.

 

 

In cases where you know it's over and are just picking up the pieces, then a little contact is fine.

 

 

I find some are doing NC but through NC are just waiting to be contacted by the other person There is no need to have pride when it comes to your own happiness. You have to do what is right for you to move forward and grow through this experience.

 

 

Change takes time and especially if you are changing things about yourself. Changing yourself is HARD work. We have built in habits and most people need support but do not have it. This forum is great but the NC goes a little too far if you ask me.

Edited January 15, 2018 by igotoverit

[igotoverit]

Feeling quite weird, most days.

 

Keep imagining a future scenario of me getting in touch with her and realising that it's just pointless; she won't care about me enough and will have moved on even more. Hate the fact that I can't even speak to her, and have no idea what she's even doing from one day to the next.

 

Hate the fact that if we did ever speak again, she's unlikely to tell me anything about her life (she's like that with her exes, she's very private about her life) and now I'm just one of these people. I am not entitled to knowing anything.

 

Feeling desperate and stupid last night. I even started 'praying' that she would get in touch with me - praying to who or what I have no idea.

 

Joined a paid online dating site and messaged someone I thought was interesting. Don't expect anything to happen. I did it because I wanted to try and remind myself that other women exist, but now all I can think of is that I'll have to probably go NC with them at some point. Really cynical and depressed today.

 

 

 

I feel really bad for you because in your situation, you seem like your struggling with obsessive thoughts and I have struggled with that too. From reading your post, she may not be 100 percent as into girls as you are which to me would show a lack of compatibility if you have no interest in men.

 

 

There are women out there who would want a relationship with you but unless you solve some of your personal problems, the same thing is going to happen. You need to do what ever you have to do to gain strength and become a stronger person then you were when she left you.

 

 

To me you have some work to do on yourself and the first step would be to work on yourself. Make goals for yourself and chip away at them slowly but surely. Continue to write on this forum as much as you have to but make sure your slowly moving in your personal life.

 

 

I don't think Journaling is for everyone so I would never give the common advice of journaling. I would work through this with a therapist and what ever makes you feel a little bit of strength to pull yourself up. It sounds like you need a crutch through this. You need to find an emotional crutch but make sure you don't find a dependency on that crutch. Does that make sense? Your not strong enough right now and you need to work on becoming strong enough.

[flooded]

My mindset has completely shifted over the past several days. When I think of my ex, I don't feel longing, anger, or sadness - just a hope that he may find peace and healing. I am SO grateful for our wonderful experience, and I know that he played an important role in my life. I lovingly release him.

 

Thanks to all the members of the community here who supported me on this journey. I wish you all healing, happiness, and love.

[clist8511]

I'm on the verge of just sending her a message. This situation is annoying me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I'm on the verge of just sending her a message. This situation is annoying me.

 

 

 

 

to say what?

[igotoverit]

I'm on the verge of just sending her a message. This situation is annoying me.

 

So reach out and ask for her help. It's going to hurt with or without her.

[igotoverit]

I'm on the verge of just sending her a message. This situation is annoying me.

 

If your torturing yourself over no contact then reach out but you have an obsession because real love isn't jealous at all. You are probably more dependant on her then love her but if it validates you for the time being then text her.. Do what you have to do to move on.

[clist8511]

to say what?

 

I don't know. I am incredibly annoyed at being in this situation and the silence and not knowing even tiny details like how her day was or anything. I don't understand why we can't just talk or we can't just see each other. I've spent so long in NC that I've started to feel weird like she doesn't even exist and that I must keep myself here but the truth is that I just want nothing more than to speak to her. I don't even know if this is normal

[clist8511]

If your torturing yourself over no contact then reach out but you have an obsession because real love isn't jealous at all. You are probably more dependant on her then love her but if it validates you for the time being then text her.. Do what you have to do to move on.

 

Jealous? I'm not sure what you mean?

 

Maybe I do have an obsession. I've been reading though about traumatic bonding and it feels like the bond hasn't broken.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Feeling quite weird, most days.

 

Keep imagining a future scenario of me getting in touch with her and realising that it's just pointless; she won't care about me enough and will have moved on even more. Hate the fact that I can't even speak to her, and have no idea what she's even doing from one day to the next.

 

Hate the fact that if we did ever speak again, she's unlikely to tell me anything about her life (she's like that with her exes, she's very private about her life) and now I'm just one of these people. I am not entitled to knowing anything.

 

Feeling desperate and stupid last night. I even started 'praying' that she would get in touch with me - praying to who or what I have no idea.

 

Joined a paid online dating site and messaged someone I thought was interesting. Don't expect anything to happen. I did it because I wanted to try and remind myself that other women exist, but now all I can think of is that I'll have to probably go NC with them at some point. Really cynical and depressed today.

 

 

 

Do you think you are ready to date? I get the feeling that you may not be. Why the hurry? It seems like you were trying to get over her last time and you tried dating, right? Then, you quickly grew attached to that woman as well.

 

 

Just my observation from the limited knowledge here, maybe you should try to fill the hole inside before you try to date. If you aren't ready, a rejection could send you down the proverbial rabbit hole, friend.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I don't know. I am incredibly annoyed at being in this situation and the silence and not knowing even tiny details like how her day was or anything. I don't understand why we can't just talk or we can't just see each other. I've spent so long in NC that I've started to feel weird like she doesn't even exist and that I must keep myself here but the truth is that I just want nothing more than to speak to her. I don't even know if this is normal

 

 

 

you want to speak with her why? To get back together? But, she doesn't want that. You want to speak just to be friendly? Wouldn't that make it extremely hard on you?

 

 

It is normal to feel that way, I believe. I would like to speak to my ex too, so I get it, but I can't think of anything relative to say. She doesn't want to speak to me apparently so it would be like talking to a wall.

[hurtsbadjusthurts]

I'm on the verge of just sending her a message. This situation is annoying me.

 

Not giving my opinion on whether i think you're right or wrong.

 

But i will say this never, just send a message. What does it say about you? and how important your message is? if you don't do it face to face.

 

Seeing someone face to face says you've got the confidence and belief in yourself to do it. You value exactly what you have to say. And you didn't take the easy option of messaging.