How are you coping today?

[Beachead]

I've only been here for a week and the wisdom you shared on one of my posts has helped me so much. You are clearly an intelligent person, and secure enough to open up about how you feel. You need to take pride in who you are and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep helping others like myself and you will find out that you are helping yourself along the way.

 

Thank you my friend. I hope so. Glad to see you are on the 'Coping Thread' sharing your thoughts and feelings as well. You'll bounce back.

 

Stay strong

[throwaway2k17]

Thank you my friend. I hope so. Glad to see you are on the 'Coping Thread' sharing your thoughts and feelings as well. You'll bounce back.

 

Stay strong

 

Thanks you too. Yeah that girl i talked about in my thread is leaving tonight to go back home and i didn't even get a chance to see her for the entire last week. Somehow i feel it's better this way though. One last intimate night could have set me back a lot, at least this way the healing starts now. Positive vibes only from here on out.

[Beachead]

Thanks you too. Yeah that girl i talked about in my thread is leaving tonight to go back home and i didn't even get a chance to see her for the entire last week. Somehow i feel it's better this way though. One last intimate night could have set me back a lot, at least this way the healing starts now. Positive vibes only from here on out.

 

Good way to look at it. And just remember you need your well-being. Without it, you'd be a drag to everyone around you including her. Ergo, all your energy needs to go into the healing and returning to you. So do what needs to be done. Live life, experience new things, get better and better each and everyday. If you attracted her, I guarantee you'll attract plenty more. Doesn't mean you won't hear from her again because you might. But if you don't, you'll be okay with it. Not moving on but moving passed. That's how I like to think of my situations now.

[TheOnlyOne73]

Still in disbelief/shock at how quickly I was discarded after a 3 year relationship. I did the dumping, but I thought there would have been more to it than just one brief conversation a week after the break-up. I sent the last text in that conversation but he never replied, so the ball's in his court now.

 

Been in NC 2 and a half months now and not a word from either of us I know he doesn't owe me anything, but it's surprising behaviour from someone who claimed to love me.

 

Either these people care so much that they can't face the prospect of talking, or they don't care at all....

 

Also, does anyone believe in the Law of Attraction stuff? To do with energy and positive vibes, you and your ex can sense each other's energy etc...

Edited January 6, 2018 by TheOnlyOne73

[throwaway2k17]

Still in disbelief/shock at how quickly I was discarded after a 3 year relationship. I did the dumping, but I thought there would have been more to it than just one brief conversation a week after the break-up. I sent the last text in that conversation but he never replied, so the ball's in his court now.

 

Been in NC 2 and a half months now and not a word from either of us I know he doesn't owe me anything, but it's surprising behaviour from someone who claimed to love me.

 

Either these people care so much that they can't face the prospect of talking, or they don't care at all....

 

Also, does anyone believe in the Law of Attraction stuff? To do with energy and positive vibes, you and your ex can sense each other's energy etc...

 

Sort of. I was dumped this July from a 5 year relationship. This past December i have been intimate with a new girl, and literally a week after the first time we kissed i saw my ex girlfriend as a listener statistic on my soundcloud account. She went back and listened to all the music i've produced, for the first time in months. Odd that she came back and listened the week after i finally met someone else.

 

Who knows though. Maybe it's just coincidental?

[HiCrunchy]

Still in disbelief/shock at how quickly I was discarded after a 3 year relationship. I did the dumping, but I thought there would have been more to it than just one brief conversation a week after the break-up. I sent the last text in that conversation but he never replied, so the ball's in his court now.

 

Been in NC 2 and a half months now and not a word from either of us I know he doesn't owe me anything, but it's surprising behaviour from someone who claimed to love me.

 

If you did the dumping, you were not discarded. You discarded him. Unless you were a forced dumper (like if you were created on).

Also you dumped him and got what you wanted, for the relationship to be over. You asked to end the relationship and he gave that to you. What more could you want from him? Do you want him to cry and beg for you to come back? Get angry?

 

As the dumper the ball is in your court, he is just protecting his pride and heart by remaining no contact. Unless you want to reconcile, just leave him alone if you care about him. Most likely you broke his heart because he loved you so much and you discarded him. This is why he is in no contact.

[Beachead]

Still in disbelief/shock at how quickly I was discarded after a 3 year relationship. I did the dumping, but I thought there would have been more to it than just one brief conversation a week after the break-up. I sent the last text in that conversation but he never replied, so the ball's in his court now.

 

Been in NC 2 and a half months now and not a word from either of us I know he doesn't owe me anything, but it's surprising behaviour from someone who claimed to love me.

 

Either these people care so much that they can't face the prospect of talking, or they don't care at all....

 

Also, does anyone believe in the Law of Attraction stuff? To do with energy and positive vibes, you and your ex can sense each other's energy etc...

 

Good question.

 

To me, the law of attraction is about self-investment. Immersing yourself in things that help you grow..spiritually, physically, intellectually, economically etc. and as a side-effect brings out the best in you naturally.

 

We can practice ourselves into negative/destructive behavior and can also practice ourselves into positive/constructive behaviors. The brain chemically adjusts to whatever it is we feed it.

 

This is just an example should meeting people be a focus but there can be other motivations.

 

Example

 

You're able to socialize well because you engage in conversation with many people everyday so you have practice. You have experiences to share because you travel or try new things on the daily. You read a lot and keep current on topics so end up having lots of intellectually stimulating or fun conversations with many people and they enjoy talking to you as result. You engage in activites that you love and are passionate about so you end up being more in line with your soul which not only makes you happier, but helps you meet more people like you. AND you become far more secure and happier in your alone time because you it's limited. This in turn expands your social network which gives you busier social life connects you to more job prospects, connects you to more friends, helps you meet more women/men, and learn far more in life through what all these connections have to share.

 

Consequently, you naturally stop focusing on the trivialities of others because you're simply focused on your own life as a result. Over time, this way of living engrains itself into your wiring and becomes natural way of life and you'll exude these good vibes through your voice, body language, ideas, experiences etc. without even knowing it. It'll be as natural as breathing. Key thing here is even though the focus is to improve your social life, you're investing in all the other areas as well. They're all tied together.

 

The same can go for if we fall apart and dissolve from our negative experiences. Our world will then go the opposite way.

 

People will pick up on this and respond accordingly subconsciously/consciously. Exes included.

Edited January 6, 2018 by Beachead

[TheOnlyOne73]

If you did the dumping, you were not discarded. You discarded him. Unless you were a forced dumper (like if you were created on).

Also you dumped him and got what you wanted, for the relationship to be over. You asked to end the relationship and he gave that to you. What more could you want from him? Do you want him to cry and beg for you to come back? Get angry?

 

As the dumper the ball is in your court, he is just protecting his pride and heart by remaining no contact. Unless you want to reconcile, just leave him alone if you care about him. Most likely you broke his heart because he loved you so much and you discarded him. This is why he is in no contact.

 

@HiCrunchy, I was a forced dumper due to his inability to commit and porn issues. At first he did a bit of begging, "I love you and want to be with you" etc, but agreed to break-up after a few days of NC between us both. Then we had a conversation a week later, he said he had been thinking about whether to work on his issues as a couple without breaking up. We both said we needed more time to think.

 

2 days later, I told him I didn't think it was the best idea for me to stay whilst he did this, he agreed. He said stuff like "I've been thinking long and hard, if the relationship is solely dependent on me changing for it to be stable then I don't think it would work." I replied the next day with "I never meant it was SOLELY dependent on you. I'm not perfect either, I need to continue to grow as a person too." I told him I believed that in relationships you continuously adapt for yourself and your partner. It's a learning experience and a period for inner-growth (whilst also growing together as a couple) to become the best version of yourself, partly because your partner makes you want to be a better person. He never responded to that, and that was 2.5 months ago.

 

I'm not sure he is in NC for the reasons you stated, maybe partly, but I think he's letting me find someone I deserve since he thought I deserved better. When we were saying our goodbyes (before the conversation a week later) I told him it felt wrong to be parting ways, but he said "don't say that, I can't stand to continue to hurt you." Then he told me not to delete his number, said he had to go and left the conversation, so it seemed like he didn't want to talk it out, perhaps out of guilt and shame...?

 

@Beachead, in some of the Law of Attraction stuff they believe you should visualize your ex still being with you and in a relationship with you, both physically in presence and emotionally (without letting them know, and remaining in NC). It even goes as far to say you should set out a place for them at the table when you eat! The ex detects this positive energy and the memories you are reminiscing about and begins to think about them too. The idea is that you're behaving so optimistically because you know your ex is "yours" and is going to come back to you. You focus on the positives/your ideal scenario so that more positives come your way, as well the ideal scenario. I was shocked that many people who have tried this can apparently testify that they got contact from their ex and/or got them back soon after. It may just be down to coincidence.

Edited January 6, 2018 by TheOnlyOne73

[Beachead]

I was a forced dumper due to his inability to commit and porn issues. But he agreed to break-up a few days after I initiated it.

 

I'm not sure he is in NC for those reasons, maybe partly, but I think he's letting me find someone I deserve since he thought I deserved better. When we were saying our goodbyes I told him it felt wrong to be parting ways, but he said "don't, I can't stand to continue to hurt you." Then he told me not to delete his number, said he had to go and left the conversation, so it seemed like he didn't want to talk it out, perhaps out of guilt and shame...?

 

@Beachead, in some of the Law of Attraction stuff they believe you should visualize your ex still being with you and in a relationship with you, both physically in presence and emotionally (without letting them know, and remaining in NC). They even goes as far to say you should set out a place for them at the table when you eat! The ex detects this positive energy and the memories you are reminiscing about and begins to think about them too. The idea is that you're behaving so optimistically because you know your ex is "yours" and is going to come back to you. You focus on the positives/your ideal scenario so that more positives come your way, as well the ideal scenario. I was shocked that a lot of people who have tried this can apparently testify that they got contact from their ex and/or got them back soon after.

 

Yea I'm aware of those ideas but it personally isn't my cup of tea. That way of thinking assumes that the world revolves around one person's needs. People have free will. Our exes have the freedom to choose just as we do. So I don't believe in that. I do believe in the Law of Attraction being an attractive attitude or behavior that is a result of proper self-investment (Whatever the person needs to invest in to achieve his/her goals, dreams etc.) leading to a healthier, happier life.

Edited January 6, 2018 by Beachead

[wishyouneverleft]

I just want to cry. I missed her so much this weekend. I thought of the "what ifs" coupled with the reasons it could of never worked out. Remembering the solid evidence that she was a fickler person along with her family issues. The way her family stole from my relatives not to long ago. Yet after all that, I still miss her. That smile of hers I kept seeing a few times that brought me back to the days I was with her. My body misses her, my mind misses the conversations, and my heart misses the connection we had. NC is helping me heal, but the process of learning how to move forward in life with that void that she left is the hardest part.

 

To add to everything, I get these random emotional pains. Just pains that come out of nowhere like a shock where I have to stop and just process it. I'm just asking god to give me the strength to make it through all of this at this point.

Edited January 8, 2018 by wishyouneverleft

[Seymore]

Today has been a struggle. I forced myself to go to work because I need to not sit around all day thinking about her. Two years and I did so well despite all her efforts to suck me back into that toxic situation - no looking her up or FB stalking. Then I bump into her once in all that time and the obsessive nut in me comes out. It's like all of a sudden I feel like hurting myself in the worst way by wanting to look her up. I've lost 6 pounds in the last 5 days and have zero appetite. It's like all those feelings came crashing back and I somehow experienced the breakup all over again. I've done a LOT of work rebuilding and now I feel like I'm a friggin Jenga tower or something.

[Beachead]

I just want to cry. I missed her so much this weekend. I thought of the "what ifs" coupled with the reasons it could of never worked out. Remembering the solid evidence that she was a fickler person along with her family issues. The way her family stole from my relatives not to long ago. Yet after all that, I still miss her. That smile of hers I kept seeing a few times that brought me back to the days I was with her. My body misses her, my mind misses the conversations, and my heart misses the connection we had. NC is helping me heal, but the process of learning how to move forward in life with that void that she left is the hardest part.

 

To add to everything, I get these random emotional pains. Just pains that come out of nowhere like a shock where I have to stop and just process it. I'm just asking god to give me the strength to make it through all of this at this point.

 

Stay strong man.

 

I remember you mentioning how you'd have to deal with her name being on flight tickets and hoping in some way she'd contact you and I assume that she hasn't which is what is generating the agony. Hope is going away.

 

I think your pain means your mind fed you a truth bomb and you're emotionally working through it; chopping it up into bits and pieces that you can digest and process in a maneagable way. I think it's actually a good sign. I know it sounds counterintuitive. But, it could have fed you more hope to lead you on some more, put you into denial, or numbed you out. But it's doing this instead and there's a reason for it. I think it means in some way, you've regained enough emotional strength to handle a little more despite the extreme emotions it's generating. I think the pain is indicative of healing and the more pain you are feeling, the more likely you are dealing with the truth and slowly accepting it. There's some good work happening inside. The results won't show overnight but will over time. I firmly believe one of these days, you'll wake up and you'll discover it'll hurt a little bit less. That's when you'll feel the heat from that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Trust the process my friend. Cry it out. Don't hold back.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

Today has been a struggle. I forced myself to go to work because I need to not sit around all day thinking about her. Two years and I did so well despite all her efforts to suck me back into that toxic situation - no looking her up or FB stalking. Then I bump into her once in all that time and the obsessive nut in me comes out. It's like all of a sudden I feel like hurting myself in the worst way by wanting to look her up. I've lost 6 pounds in the last 5 days and have zero appetite. It's like all those feelings came crashing back and I somehow experienced the breakup all over again. I've done a LOT of work rebuilding and now I feel like I'm a friggin Jenga tower or something.

 

Healing is slow my friend. I know this could have easily happened to me as well.

 

In some way, it may be a good thing that you bumped into her. Even though you're in absolute pain now, it might allow you to emotionally rebuild yourself back into something a little more resilient and stronger. She may not have such an impact on you should you ever bump into her again.

[Seymore]

Healing is slow my friend. I know this could have easily happened to me as well.

 

In some way, it may be a good thing that you bumped into her. Even though you're in absolute pain now, it might allow you to emotionally rebuild yourself back into something a little more resilient and stronger. She may not have such an impact on you should you ever bump into her again.

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

I should note that when I bumped into her a few days ago (almost literally, I was walking in and she was walking out of a store near me) she stopped like she was going to talk and looked happy to see me, and I looked away and walked past her. I felt like a jerk doing so but looking back I see how far I'd come to not stop and let her say what she had to say. I don't need toxic people in my life.

[Beachead]

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

I should note that when I bumped into her a few days ago (almost literally, I was walking in and she was walking out of a store near me) she stopped like she was going to talk and looked happy to see me, and I looked away and walked past her. I felt like a jerk doing so but looking back I see how far I'd come to not stop and let her say what she had to say. I don't need toxic people in my life.

 

Hang tough

 

I just read your situation.

 

Don't reach out to her again or you'll find yourself in h*ll once again. You may not come back from that. It's no surprise you're going through a kind of PTSD from what transpired between the two of you. She was a horrible gf. Lied, cheated, was abusive...all with children too. So it goes without saying that she's a mess that won't change and she will drag you down with her. If she continues to destabilize your well-being, it won't be just you who'll suffer. It'll also be the people who are closest to you. Not to mention it'll affect work and other areas of your life which will cause further unhappiness. Someone who can cause you such emotional/physical pain has no place in a future with you. Her life, her responsibility. Only person who can get her help is herself. Your absence speaks far louder than your words ever could to her. Don't listen to your heart. This isn't love. She was heroin and you were addicted, managed to get clean and now due to seeing her, your heart/mind is trying to con you into getting a fix again.

 

You instinctively looked away for a reason. Trust in that.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Beachead

[Seymore]

Hang tough

 

I just read your situation.

 

Don't reach out to her again or you'll find yourself in h*ll once again. You may not come back from that. It's no surprise you're going through a kind of PTSD from what transpired between the two of you. She was a horrible gf. Lied, cheated, was abusive...all with children too. So it goes without saying that she's a mess that won't change and she will drag you down with her. Don't take on her baggage. If she continues to destabilize your well-being, it won't be just you who'll suffer. It'll also be the people who are closest to you. Not to mention it'll affect work and other areas of your life which will cause further unhappiness. Someone who can cause you such emotional/physical pain has no place in a future with you. Her life, her responsibility. Only person who can get her help is herself. Your absence speaks far louder than your words ever could to her.

 

You instinctively looked away for a reason. Trust in that.

 

I am truly grateful that you looked at my story. I'm actually in tears right now. Thank you so much for making my day. Your words have helped me so much today.

[Beachead]

I am truly grateful that you looked at my story. I'm actually in tears right now. Thank you so much for making my day. Your words have helped me so much today.

 

No worries my friend. The support is there.

 

And cry it out. Feel what you need to feel. Anger, sadness, hurt. It's all a part of healing. All a process.

 

You seem to have taken all the correct steps since the breakup and have discovered a lot of improvement in yourself which is great. Seeing her was just a sick joke life played on you. Very unfortunate indeed. But, those crappy feelings are going to pass. It may take some time though. Be gentle and patient with yourself.

 

Continue with therapy. Continue to post up on here in LS as you have. If I can encourage you to journal out your thoughts in a notebook as well, that'll be good. You'll discover some interesting patterns in yourself over time. All this wil help you assess mistakes you've made which you can improve upon.

 

Also, try to force some change into your routine that'll make your routine different from the one you had when you were with her. It'll help your brain dissociate from her. I'd try to take on some hobbies/activities in life that you love. Something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. If it can help you meet people who share in similar thoughts/ideas/interests, then that will be a strong bonus for you as it'll help you find people who are just like you. You don't have to date anybody. You just have to socialize.

 

The goal is to get some affirmation that there are actually better people out there for you and that there is a good life to be discovered beyond her. This will help you bring out your happier, more passionate, better sides and will also help you live more in line with who you are as a person. If you're content, you'll continue to attract some pretty awesome things into your life.

 

You're going to be okay

[igotoverit]

Not to take away from everyone else hurting, but I am having a rough night, now that I realize I have been in denial and he is gone. I love a man who doesn't love me back and you can't really blame him. He was gone 5 years ago but w kept in contact online and I thought I could be the women he was looking for but realize he doesn't love me and he never ever will. It hurts like he'll and tomorrow is day 1 of nc. Today may have been because I didn't contact him. I did check his linked in account

[igotoverit]

I feel it in waves, I feel alone, and jealous of who he is with but I know I have to forget him. I had advice to make the bad moments as short and painless as possible so every time I think of them, to think of something else. I switched my courses to online and have some more work now to help me focus. Tomorrow will be my first day working without the denial so I dread it. I want to stay in bed for the entire day but hopefully Wil not. I feel so terrible, I should have known sooner, someone who cares about you does not string you along or hurt you and right now I can't see myself ever falling in love. I definitely don't want to,

[fieldoflavender]

Is it wrong to want someone who you aren't thinking of as a long term relationship (because you don't want to go through the same pitfalls) but just for company? But not as a hook up, but as a pseudo boyfriend (one who goes to stuff with you etc) but there is some innuendo?

 

This dude I went on a couple of dates implied he didn't want to try long term, and to be fair, if I think about it, yeah it's not a good match (red flags for same issues - financial dependency on parents etc), but I enjoy spending time with him. I would like to say we're friends only, but meh? But I really am not the type of person to do hook ups. So I guess we can pseudo date for a while?

[StrangerThanFiction]

A rough one today. I was doing pretty good, had felt committed to moving on, but today just felt like I leapt backwards. All the thoughts that I believed were behind me came back and have been going around and around. There's still that damn hope that he'll come back at some point. Haven't heard from him in over a month so I have no idea why I would even think that. I've been seriously considering reaching out just so I can get some sort of closure one way or another. You'd think a month of radio silence would be enough closure for anyone, but apparently not for me! I think I want him to say something that'll hurt me so I can feel fully justified in completely walking away. Messed up logic, I know. Why not just walk away and stay walked away instead of trying to cause myself anymore unnecessary pain? Probably because I'm an idiot with a masochostic streak a mile wide.

 

Found out today that even his best friend hasn't heard much from him since before Christmas. Maybe that's what got me to thinking. It made me wonder what has kept him so busy that he hasn't had time to even see his best friend. The long and short of it is that it shouldn't even matter to me. I need to remember that and focus on something else instead.

[BriNyc82]

Feeling ok today. Comes in waves and changes by the hour. What I think about I bring about. When I let myself get lost in my thoughts and get sad, I'm sad. When I focus on big picture and what's right in my heart I feel good and strong.

 

The hardest part of moving on is accepting that it's over and while I know it is, (my choice bc he can't express any emotions, acknowledge mine, conflict avoidant, loner type), knowing that it really IS over makes it more sad. I know I don't want him back. I've accepted him for who he is but that we are just different and have different emotional needs. But damn that's a hard pill to swallow. I still miss the idea or version that I built up in my head. But it was all just my fantasy. He was a good guy. And still is. He just needs a lot help and needs to discover who he really is. His silence and how he handled this breakup shouldn't shock me bc it's how he handled any uncomfortable talk we had. I would have preferred any reaction to no reaction but that's his choice. I can still continue my life and have fulfilling relationships and he can rot by himself pushing anything that is good away from him. Running away away and never towards something.

[igotoverit]

I feel like i am never going to find anyone as supportive or whonunderstands a womens emotions as much as he does. His girlfriend feels validated and empowered. She feels understood, loved, in love and cared for while i feel like garbage and it sucks. If we believed there was someone out there eho was better then that person, wouldnt that stop our suffering. Right now it d8esnt seem possible but i am holding onto that thought. I sound pathetic.

[Beachead]

I feel like i am never going to find anyone as supportive or whonunderstands a womens emotions as much as he does. His girlfriend feels validated and empowered. She feels understood, loved, in love and cared for while i feel like garbage and it sucks. If we believed there was someone out there eho was better then that person, wouldnt that stop our suffering. Right now it d8esnt seem possible but i am holding onto that thought. I sound pathetic.

 

No you don't sound pathetic. Don't put yourself down for feeling what you feel. We've all felt this way and there are many of us who are currently feeling this way..and unfortunately many more to come. It's normal.

 

You should know that this is just anxiety that's triggering your fears which are based off of things that haven't happened. Consider that if you were able to win him over, you are able to win others as well. He is the source of your pain. Everytime you interact with him, you are wounding yourself. Once you get distance and space from him along with a significant period of time, you're going to feel differently. Believe me. If it's between holding onto someone who doesn't love me or letting go and facing an uncertain future..I'll take the second option.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Beachead

[Beachead]

It seems I'm getting used to the daily involuntary cycle of thinking about the ex followed by many reminders of why it wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. It's daily emotional combat. I feel a lot of ways about things. Mainly anger but I know I'm sad too, I can feel it at times. All of it has really submitted to numbness. Not the kind of numbness I felt around the 1st two months where I realized I was in denial..but a numbess that comes from acceptance. I suspect that's I feel angry inside. Might mean I'm starting to let go.

 

We'll see.

Edited January 10, 2018 by Beachead