How are you coping today?

[What_Did_I_Do]

l'm sorry what did.

l hate it to now , dread it.

my daughter has to have a split christmas between ex w and me

My family are 3hours away and not that l even like driving that on a chritsmas day so l don't , but if l id it'd only be me and my daughter, it use to be our little family.

 

I'm sorry for you too Chilli. My kids split their Christmas as well. I'm giving you a big ((hug)).

[divegrl]

It's been dark.

 

And scary.

 

I wanted to stay asleep with the covers pulled over my head.

 

I need the light to come soon.

 

Come and bring me exactly where I need to go.

[Chilli]

eminem , beautiful pain , find the light.

 

it'll come divegirl . 00

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah , dunno , mines only been 5 or 6wks officially and l know she;ll still be talking about me . We'd talked about marriage too , and l'm sorry field,it ain't easy stuff is it.

 

Maybe 3rd time lucky for you eh , there is something about the number 3 in this stuff, it happened for me like that.

And hey , at least you didn't end up marrying him eh .

 

Thanks, the holidays are annoying. I do miss the person he pretended to be. That person was a nice guy and he was marriage potential. The true coward wasn't - so yeah I'm glad for that.

 

I hope 3 is the charm, and I hope 2018 will be a better year for all of us. Good riddance to all the terrible ex's.

[Cora]

I’m actually doing great. It’s Christmas and I’ve been all about family....spending lots of time with them. I’m happy. I haven’t thought about him much at all. I’ve forgiven him and I wish him nothing but happiness. I have finally come to peace with things. I am fine and happy with being single....even forever if it’s meant to be. Life is way too short and I just want to enjoy it as much as I can for however much time I have left on this earth. I’m in a good place and all is right in the world...

 

Wishing everyone who celebrates it a very Merry Christmas and happy new year!!

[StrangerThanFiction]

I was thinking today about how my past relationships had ended compared to my most recent one. All the ones before had a definitive end by either a huge blow out or by mutual agreement that it was over. My most recent was a ghosting situation on his end. While how the others had ended was painful, at least when I'd feel a longing for them I could list off multiple reasons why it was pointless and the feeling would pass and I could go on with my day to focus on improving my life. In this instance I only have one: the fact that he ghosted and couldn't even give me the courtesy of saying it was over. It seems so meaningless compared to my reasons for the others: he cheated, he lied, he hit me, he stole from me, we were no longer in love, etc, etc, etc.

 

All I'm left with here are questions. Did he meet someone else? Did he just lose interest? Did his situation get too complicated that he had to cut me out? Does he still care about me but is just too afraid to reach out? Around and around we go! I'm left with a constant longing to see him again. To find out what happened. I miss him. He seemed like a really good guy and we clicked on so many levels that I haven't with previous men. He was exactly what I was looking for. The fact that there was no actual end makes me feel like I'm in some sort of Limbo. I keep thinking that he'll reach out at some point and that keeps the hope alive. I know that in the long run this is going to do me nothing but harm and I'm trying to find a way to think about the whole situation that will help me to let go of it, move on, and put it in the past. Some days I feel like I'm on the way to reaching that goal, and others I'm right back at square one. It's only been three weeks, but I'd thought by now my emotional survival instincts would've kicked in and slapped me out of this. I feel it would've been easier if he had turned out to be a scumbag and we ended on crappy terms. Then it would just be done and there would be no looking back.

 

I'm sure after a good sleep I'll feel better. Going to damn well need it too, to get through these next few days because, lordy, I hate this time of year. I have great family and friends, but it seems I always spend it single in one way or another and it really reinforces that loneliness. Should've went through with my plan to take a trip somewhere hot and spend the whole holiday season on a beach far away from the Christmas bullsh*t. Bah Humbug. Bring on 2018!

[Chilli]

Well , maybe this can be some feel good for everyone in a way , because it shows you just never do know what's around the corner.

 

But , ex and me well , we officially split 5 or 6 wks ago but we've been on and off all year and although this is still hard in reality it's really been much longer.

To add to that we were also long distance and haven't been able to be together most of this year , things kept going wrong.

So technically it's really near 12mths for me in a way and 2wks ago l just went on this date site, just to talk to a few ladies not to really bother meeting anyone .

 

Be damned though , a few days later l found someone l really liked , liked all sorts of things about her, and we've been talking slowly ever since.

she's 3hrs away and we haven't met yet so who knows but, it's just been so damn nice.

 

So hang in there people, never know,

[fieldoflavender]

I was thinking today about how my past relationships had ended compared to my most recent one. All the ones before had a definitive end by either a huge blow out or by mutual agreement that it was over. My most recent was a ghosting situation on his end. While how the others had ended was painful, at least when I'd feel a longing for them I could list off multiple reasons why it was pointless and the feeling would pass and I could go on with my day to focus on improving my life. In this instance I only have one: the fact that he ghosted and couldn't even give me the courtesy of saying it was over. It seems so meaningless compared to my reasons for the others: he cheated, he lied, he hit me, he stole from me, we were no longer in love, etc, etc, etc.

 

All I'm left with here are questions. Did he meet someone else? Did he just lose interest? Did his situation get too complicated that he had to cut me out? Does he still care about me but is just too afraid to reach out? Around and around we go! I'm left with a constant longing to see him again. To find out what happened. I miss him. He seemed like a really good guy and we clicked on so many levels that I haven't with previous men. He was exactly what I was looking for. The fact that there was no actual end makes me feel like I'm in some sort of Limbo. I keep thinking that he'll reach out at some point and that keeps the hope alive. I know that in the long run this is going to do me nothing but harm and I'm trying to find a way to think about the whole situation that will help me to let go of it, move on, and put it in the past. Some days I feel like I'm on the way to reaching that goal, and others I'm right back at square one. It's only been three weeks, but I'd thought by now my emotional survival instincts would've kicked in and slapped me out of this. I feel it would've been easier if he had turned out to be a scumbag and we ended on crappy terms. Then it would just be done and there would be no looking back.

 

I'm sure after a good sleep I'll feel better. Going to damn well need it too, to get through these next few days because, lordy, I hate this time of year. I have great family and friends, but it seems I always spend it single in one way or another and it really reinforces that loneliness. Should've went through with my plan to take a trip somewhere hot and spend the whole holiday season on a beach far away from the Christmas bullsh*t. Bah Humbug. Bring on 2018!

 

Ghosting is not any better than a blow out. An inaction is also an action and says volumes about their maturity and lack of responsibility. An adult who can't even tell someone they want to break up with them is a coward, plain and simple. Why they left is not important. Sure they could have gotten cancer and wanted to spare you and 2 years later, you get this tape about how they loved you blah blah --- or not, wake up to reality, they were an irresponsible person plain and simple. If you run into trouble in the future, would you want someone who just runs away?

[Cora]

The ex has actually been in contact the past several weeks. Usually it’s been in one of his intoxicated states where he’s all depressed and telling me how much he loves me and I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him blah blah blah. If that were true he would have never left me in the first place. He’s practically begged me to at least agree to see him, but I’ve turned him down. I can’t go back down that road again. I refuse to be hurt by him again because I know it would be only a matter of time before he did. I can’t deal with his alcohol addiction, his drunken fits, the lying and the cheating. I refuse to give him my heart ever again while competing with other women he chooses to cheat on me with. It feels good to finally be strong and refuse his invitations to hang out...to get back together...to give him another chance. The old me would jump at the offer! I am finally able to see right through him now. I’ve forgiven him and wish him well, but I can never be with him again. I can’t experience pain like that again. I do truly hope that this time will be the time he finally stops drinking. I guess I’ve heard this from him so many times in the past....about how this time is different...how he really wants to stop for good....how he isn’t going to drink anymore, but then he falls right back into his old habits. I’ve stood by his side. Tried being supportive...tried to help him. I’ve been there for him when family and friends had given up. I’ve cheered him on, believed in him, told him he could do this. I’ve held him when he was too sick to get up because he drank too much after being sober for so long. I can’t help him anymore. He has to want to help himself. I won’t sit by and watch him kill himself. I had to remove myself from the situation. So yeah, I do hope that THIS time is the last time so he says. I hope it’s true for his own sake...

[Beachead]

Trust me, he's right. Psychologically speaking, if she doesn't, its because she's suppressing the negative feelings. Whether she used you or genuinely felt something is something your gut would have to tell you. If (and I mean IF because people go to the grave never looking themselves in the mirror and stuck in the same behavioral patterns until death) she wakes up and finally looks in the mirror, quietly opens up that jar of emotions she's learned to suppress and avoid, her world will come crashing down. They don't call them emotional breakdowns for nothing. I hope you can take solace in that. I know for a fact my ex is going to pop in a few years. By what I hear some of it already surfaced.

 

Thanks for this wishyouneverleft.

 

You're right.

 

I saw this happen to my previous ex. She was also the type to bottle her emotions up and run from her problems. The girl went off to med school for her parents because of a bad breakup she had that made her feel like she disappointed them. She became consumed with guilt. But becoming a doctor wasn't in her heart. She used it as an escape from stress. It was all wrong. I saw her breakdown coming and I warned her and it happened exactly as that.

 

It's the same crap with this girl. One bad decision after another. She didn't go back to her ex out of love. It was out of fear, attachment and familiarity. Like my ex before, I have this feeling she's heading for the same path. The way she turned off all her deep feelings and ignored all the complaints she vocalized about that relationship..I don't know. There are underlying problems and it's not enough to want to change. You have to know what to change and then practice it everyday until it becomes part of you. That takes a long time. I doubt either of them put in this kind of work when they were apart because they barely had any time apart. Once complacency settles in again, they'd still be working with the same exact personalities they had the first time around. I wish much luck to them.

 

I don't know if it's the holidays or if I've it's the fact that I've lost hope of ever hearing from her again. But, memories are starting to become hazy. That's what I'm starting to notice. As if it were a dream or a distant memory. Maybe it's me letting go. Who knows.

Edited December 24, 2017 by Beachead

[1fish2fish]

The ex has actually been in contact the past several weeks. Usually it’s been in one of his intoxicated states where he’s all depressed and telling me how much he loves me and I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him blah blah blah. If that were true he would have never left me in the first place. He’s practically begged me to at least agree to see him, but I’ve turned him down. I can’t go back down that road again. I refuse to be hurt by him again because I know it would be only a matter of time before he did. I can’t deal with his alcohol addiction, his drunken fits, the lying and the cheating. I refuse to give him my heart ever again while competing with other women he chooses to cheat on me with. It feels good to finally be strong and refuse his invitations to hang out...to get back together...to give him another chance. The old me would jump at the offer! I am finally able to see right through him now. I’ve forgiven him and wish him well, but I can never be with him again. I can’t experience pain like that again. I do truly hope that this time will be the time he finally stops drinking. I guess I’ve heard this from him so many times in the past....about how this time is different...how he really wants to stop for good....how he isn’t going to drink anymore, but then he falls right back into his old habits. I’ve stood by his side. Tried being supportive...tried to help him. I’ve been there for him when family and friends had given up. I’ve cheered him on, believed in him, told him he could do this. I’ve held him when he was too sick to get up because he drank too much after being sober for so long. I can’t help him anymore. He has to want to help himself. I won’t sit by and watch him kill himself. I had to remove myself from the situation. So yeah, I do hope that THIS time is the last time so he says. I hope it’s true for his own sake...

 

It really sucks loving an alcoholic, doesn't it. But we have to love ourselves more. Good for you for removing yourself from the toxic situation, and good for me, too...finally.

 

The best thing we can do for them is to let them hit rock bottom...alone...and continue on our path to healing without looking back.

 

((hugs!))

[Cora]

It really sucks loving an alcoholic, doesn't it. But we have to love ourselves more. Good for you for removing yourself from the toxic situation, and good for me, too...finally.

 

The best thing we can do for them is to let them hit rock bottom...alone...and continue on our path to healing without looking back.

 

((hugs!))

 

You are right about that. It does truly suck to love an alcoholic because you want so badly to help them, but your hands are tied. Thanks, and congrats to you for being strong enough to distance yourself. It’s not easy, but is for the best for our own peace of mind.

 

Wishing you nothing but peace and happiness!!

[heartbrokenlady]

Having a really hard time today. Got to be positive and cheerful for family because it's Christmas but I'm dying inside. I don't know how much more I can take.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Having a really hard time today. Got to be positive and cheerful for family because it's Christmas but I'm dying inside. I don't know how much more I can take.

 

Hang in there. I was the same way yesterday during our family's Christmas Eve lunch/get together. Actively engage yourself and enjoy the blessings around you. I was almost numb the whole time, but forced myself to participate in singing, playing card games and having some sibling time. Find a way to dilute your focus on your heart-ache.

 

Merry Christmas to you! You are not alone.

[heartbrokenlady]

Hang in there. I was the same way yesterday during our family's Christmas Eve lunch/get together. Actively engage yourself and enjoy the blessings around you. I was almost numb the whole time, but forced myself to participate in singing, playing card games and having some sibling time. Find a way to dilute your focus on your heart-ache.

 

Merry Christmas to you! You are not alone.

 

Thank you simpleNfit. I'll be happier when today is over.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Thank you simpleNfit. I'll be happier when today is over.

 

I do not know your history, but it is events like this that helps us from devoting too much time to thoughts that make us feel low. I am currently or was in the process of ending ALL ties with my ex. Imagine, the day before Christmas...ugh. But, there really is no good time to do these things. Having family and friends around to help us making it through the day(s) is crucial.

 

Learn to forgive yourself if you haven't. I know it is better said than done, but do where you have control and try not to emphasize on the things you cannot.

[1fish2fish]

Having a really hard time today. Got to be positive and cheerful for family because it's Christmas but I'm dying inside. I don't know how much more I can take.

 

In the grand scheme of things, it's JUST a day. You will get through it. Smile when you can, take a moment for yourself when you can't, be present and try not to let your mind wander, go for a walk if you need to clear your head.

 

The pain is temporary, I promise. You can do it, one breath at a time.

 

Wishing you peace today. (((hugs!)))

[Fever of love]

Keep your heads down and keep on keeping on Loveshackers! Its not an easy day for any of us, but finding this board has been a huge help for me, and I want to thank you all as a community for your help, and wish you all a speedy recovery.

[Jdoublenn]

Merry Christmas my fellow LS friends. <3

[wishyouneverleft]

I'm feeling like sh*t as soon as I'm alone. I just wanted her. I know she dumped me, I know she lied, but the urge to break NC is unbearable. I wish things were different. Thoughts of realizing I was just a tool to her and there wasn't ever any genuine feelings kill me.

Edited December 26, 2017 by wishyouneverleft
I wasn't done.

[Beachead]

Same here. Just went and tortured myself seeing an updated facebook profile picture on her ex/current boyfriends profile. A couples picture. How lovely for them. I have no idea what I'm trying to accomplish doing this. I had a great day with my family today but I just shattered myself in two tonight. Have no one else to blame but myself for it.

[wishyouneverleft]

Same here. Just went and tortured myself seeing an updated facebook profile picture on her ex/current boyfriends profile. A couples picture. How lovely for them. I have no idea what I'm trying to accomplish doing this. I had a great day with my family today but I just shattered myself in two tonight. Have no one else to blame but myself for it.

 

 

I just don't understand, man. She said she wanted to marry me. WTF happened?! Nothing she said made sense in the end. The friendship between two families she put in jeopardy that spanned 3 generations shows how selfish she is. If she even remotely felt that she wasn't ready or didn't feel the depth she claimed, she should not have said all those things from the beginning. I wouldn't be here in pieces.

[Beachead]

I just don't understand, man. She said she wanted to marry me. WTF happened?! Nothing she said made sense in the end. The friendship between two families she put in jeopardy that spanned 3 generations shows how selfish she is. If she even remotely felt that she wasn't ready or didn't feel the depth she claimed, she should not have said all those things from the beginning. I wouldn't be here in pieces.

 

Nope. She definitely shouldn't have.

 

There was only one time I ever treated a girl badly and that was my very first relationship when I was 14. She was good to me. Never gave me any doubts. Was loyal despite all the guys who hit on her. Was mature for her age. Really loved me. And had I loved her, we would have been married today. Yet I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I was too young and stupid. I was attracted to her sometimes..but the other times, not so much. I stayed out of obligation and not knowing what to do. Over time, the relationship felt like work. It became draining. Still, I remained in it and buried these feelings because I was selfish and immature. We lasted a year and a half before she came to realize I wasn't into her as much as I had lead on. My crappy behavior basically forced her to have to end it with me and she was devastated. When she did, I was upset for 2 weeks and then I got over it. That long of a relationship and I got over it in 2 weeks. I was actually more relieved than anything.

 

But after that, I learned what it was like to get into a relationship with someone when I wasn't really feeling it. It's exhausting. It does nobody any good. I learned the consequences my behavior, actions, choices had on others. I had a responsibility to them and to their feelings. That person was investing their time and their love on me based on what I was showing them. Everyday that was spent not being responsible enough to know how I felt and what I wanted with them, I was robbing them of a better life they could have had with someone else. I never wasted anyone's time again. I made sure I knew how I felt before I got into anything and I promised myself never to quit on them unless there was some extremity. I fought until the bitter end in all my relationships that followed. I truly regret the way I was with this first girl but to my defense..I was only a kid and I learned immediately and took responsibility for it.

 

Unfortunately, there are adults like your ex and mine who act the way I was when I was 14. I wonder what their excuse is. Immaturity. Lack of Accountability. Lack of Mindfulness. Irresponsible. Child mentality.

[wishyouneverleft]

Nope. She definitely shouldn't have.

 

There was only one time I ever treated a girl badly and that was my very first relationship when I was 14. She was good to me. Never gave me any doubts. Was loyal despite all the guys who hit on her. Was mature for her age. Really loved me. And had I loved her, we would have been married today. Yet I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I was too young and stupid. I was attracted to her sometimes..but the other times, not so much. I stayed out of obligation and not knowing what to do. Over time, the relationship felt like work. It became draining. Still, I remained in it and buried these feelings because I was selfish and immature. We lasted a year and a half before she came to realize I wasn't into her as much as I had lead on. My crappy behavior basically forced her to have to end it with me and she was devastated. When she did, I was upset for 2 weeks and then I got over it. That long of a relationship and I got over it in 2 weeks. I was actually more relieved than anything.

 

But after that, I learned what it was like to get into a relationship with someone when I wasn't really feeling it. It's exhausting. It does nobody any good. I learned the consequences my behavior, actions, choices had on others. I had a responsibility to them and to their feelings. That person was investing their time and their love on me based on what I was showing them. Everyday that was spent not being responsible enough to know how I felt and what I wanted with them, I was robbing them of a better life they could have had with someone else. I never wasted anyone's time again. I made sure I knew how I felt before I got into anything and I promised myself never to quit on them unless there was some extremity. I fought until the bitter end in all my relationships that followed. I truly regret the way I was with this first girl but to my defense..I was only a kid and I learned immediately and took responsibility for it.

 

Unfortunately, there are adults like your ex and mine who act the way I was when I was 14. I wonder what their excuse is. Immaturity. Lack of Accountability. Lack of Mindfulness. Irresponsible. Child mentality.

 

Thanks, these are trying times. I'm dreading when the return flight reminders next week start showing up. We had everything planned out up until 2018. Tickets were bought well in advance. I thought women matured faster then men? I gave her a chance because even though she was 22, she claimed to be mature, she sounded mature, my family that knew her since forever also vouched for her. The intellectual connection I had with her was also paramount to how this drove this relationship even deeper since we had so much in common. Not to mention the level of devotion she showed and expressed in the relationship. She always had me smiling. It was her last year in college and she was planning on staying with me for almost 6 months until the ceremony. She was going to start her masters right after. I just don't understand. Its such a hard pill to swallow.

 

After meeting her family, it was her upbringing that made her the monster she is in my opinion. Delinquent relatives (one is facing trial for extortion, drug addicts, womanizers), grandmother displays erratic behavior like she's bi-polar(one minute she invites all her children for dinner and relatives happily, and after dinner tells them how ungrateful they are followed by a slew of epithets, for no reason), single mother who is in her life, but the grandmother raised her from birth. She's just there to support her financially. Looking back she wreaked of daddy issues too.

Edited December 26, 2017 by wishyouneverleft

[Beachead]

Thanks, these are trying times. I'm dreading when the return flight reminders next week start showing up. We had everything planned out up until 2018. Tickets were bought well in advance. I thought women matured faster then men? I gave her a chance because even though she was 22, she claimed to be mature, she sounded mature, my family that knew her since forever also vouched for her. The intellectual connection I had with her was also paramount to how this drove this relationship even deeper since we had so much in common. Not to mention the level of devotion she showed and expressed in the relationship. She always had me smiling. It was her last year in college and she was planning on staying with me for almost 6 months until the ceremony. She was going to start her masters right after. I just don't understand. Its such a hard pill to swallow.

 

After meeting her family, it was her upbringing that made her the monster she is in my opinion. Delinquent relatives (one is facing trial for extortion, drug addicts, womanizers), grandmother displays erratic behavior like she's bi-polar(one minute she invites all her children for dinner and relatives happily, and after dinner tells them how ungrateful they are followed by a slew of epithets, for no reason), single mother who is in her life, but the grandmother raised her from birth. She's just there to support her financially. Looking back she wreaked of daddy issues too.

 

Different stages in life. You're at a place where you've been there and done that and you're cool to settle with a woman at this point. There may be only a handful of girls at 22 that may be ready to settle down in today's day and age if even. They're still relatively inexperienced. Still got that "Partying/Freedom" mentality in their head. Still assessing her taste in men/women and isn't looking to settle down. They can put on a good act until the immaturity bleeds through. This is who she is. She entertained herself with the idea of a future because she did like you and it was fun and out of reach at the time. That changed when it got serious because she was forced to assess herself seriously. She's got a lot of growing up to do.

Edited December 26, 2017 by Beachead