How are you coping today?

[iouaname]

Eeh - having kind of a weird night. Nothing big, but I sometimes get this weird anxiety. I know that it has to do with my thoughts of him, but I can't pick out what they're about. I guess it's a fear of something - not sure what. I'm thinking about meditating a bit tonight and seeing if I can't get rid of that feeling. Just don't want to feel it anymore

[k10k]

4 weeks in:

 

Denial phase - check.

Bargaining phase - check.

False hope phase - check (lets hope it stays that way).

 

Current phase - depression/sadness/emptiness/regret.

Waiting for - anger (haven't had much of that).

Striving for - acceptance, relief, peace of mind, contentment from within.

 

No more reaching out to the source of my pain.

[StringsAttached]

I embrace pain

through it I stay sane

Hell scorches

But torches light the way

Through the passages of my brain

she leaves my soul slain

Purer than cocaine

She extinguishes my flame with propane

 

That's how I feel.

 

**** you.

[Minneloa]

Well, I passed a test of sorts yesterday when I saw my ex for the first time since the breakup (8 months ago). I don't know if he saw me. I had a rush of adreneline when I realized it was him, and my instinct was pure flight (i.e., avoid/ignore). Not because I feel hostility towards him, but because wow, there is nothing between us anymore. What surprised me is that there wasn't any emotional backlash from the sighting. Rather, I feel pretty calm. I guess that's a sign of acceptance. Whatever life he leads now does not involve me, and vice-versa. It's sad, but more in a Gotye sense than a specific, personal pain. Also, afterwards I felt so grateful for my NC batcave, which has protected me and now feels more like a comfy cocoon than a dungeon. I am safe here.

[ayudorama]

Today while hanging out at a cafe with a couple of girlfriends, I looked up from my food and was met with a man right across from me. He smiled. I hesitated but smiled back. And then I realized why I had hesitated.

 

That stranger had his smile. Exactly the same curve of the lips, a little gummy, a bit of a beard just below his lips, but a really, really beautiful smile.

 

After that I couldn't look that man in the eye again. All it took was an instant look, and bam! the flashback comes knocking. Some days I feel that my rather good memory is working against me. So much for the straight A's in university, huh.

 

That smile is still stuck in my head.

[jphcbpa]

A new book arrived at my office today, "Getting Past your Break Up" - Susan Elliot.

 

Cant put it down.....

[JDPT]

Had a cigarette and my perfect cup of coffee earlier, I felt like I was in heaven. Sometimes is the small things that bring a substantial amount of joy.

The day is going well, manage to go to the gym earlier and detoxed myself at the sauna as usual. It's overall a very productive day.

[Chris715]

Just came the closest I've ever been to breaking NC since I started it 5 months ago. Went on my Facebook and seriously considered unblocking her profile and looking at it. Not a rational decision I know, but making those hasn't been my strong suit lately. Sat there for a few minutes debating what to do. Held myself back long enough and then the moment passed and I logged off leaving her blocked.

 

It's good I had that much willpower at least. Doesn't make the day much better though.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I'm struggling today

 

Day 1 restart of NC.

 

Feeling like I should ship his things to him - even though he lives 5 minutes away.

 

Like if I get them out of my house and eyesight - this will be easier.

[jphcbpa]

I'm struggling today

 

Day 1 restart of NC.

 

Feeling like I should ship his things to him - even though he lives 5 minutes away.

 

Like if I get them out of my house and eyesight - this will be easier.

 

 

do it...ASAP!!!!

[jphcbpa]

Sometimes is the small things that bring a substantial amount of joy.

.

 

beautiful..that is living in the now!!!!

[Never Again]

In terms of my ex?

 

Still miss her, but improving.

 

In terms of everything else?

 

For the last 6 months of my relationship, I felt like I had blood on my hands. I could ignore it at first, but it steadily became worse. In the last 2 months, I was constantly sleep deprived and felt so goddamned AWFUL all the time.

 

Depression, anxiety, you name it. I was f*cked up to the core. All because a troubled little-girl killed herself over me.

 

I used to cry every time I was with my ex. Not in her presence...I'd escape and cry privately in the bathroom so she wouldn't know...but being around her made me scared and sad. But being near her made me sad and upset. The risk of intimacy reminded me that I had killed someone (not really, but I felt like I had). I didn't feel worthy of her love and affection.

 

I couldn't reconcile the loss of a life with my happiness. It just didn't add up in my mind. In the end, that nutter got her wish...her death scarred me and ruined my relationship.

 

I'm finally over THAT piece.

[AnyaNova]

Doing really crappily today.

 

This b12 thing is getting to be a nightmare. Getting 1 shot of b12 takes care of everything. I get far enough away from one, all the symptoms come back.

 

That second place I went to (still a for profit place, but the first time they seemed more on the up and up), they did the second time what the first place did, drew it up away from me and diluted. One great and real dose the first time, and then the next was obviously diluted (you can even feel it. The b12 really doesn't sting at all, I mean the needle pricks, but it itself doesn't really hurt. Interestingly enough, saline does kind of sting going in, as this did, which is why I should have known it right off).

 

So I have lined up at one of the drugstore clinics in town, my doctor from my hometown called in a couple of weeks worth of shots, but they won't have it in til tomorrow. I am already a day behind.

 

And because my doctor at home put together my symptoms with my gluten intolerance and said that sounds like B12 deficiency and treated me without demanding labs (since the cause and the answer were 2 plus 2 obvious) my doctor here won't do it unless I go off of the shots long enough to prove I am deficient. SHe offered to take labs, but given the date of my last shot, she was pretty sure it wouldn't qualify as deficient yet.

 

But that would take me down far enough that I am pretty sure I would lose the semester.

 

We are going to see if my doctor from my hometown would be kind enough to call in to the drugstore for the rest of the semester, and then I'll go off of them over the summer long enough to prove that I have this deficiency which will really suck because I'll definitely get all the depression, mood, peripheral neuropathy and symtpoms, but I very well might end up losing even more hair as well.

 

I mean my freaking heck, I lost over 50 pounds, lost a bunch of my hair, and have all the symptoms which begin to reverse themselves when I have the shots.

 

It is like they are holding my life in their hands. When I have enough B vitamins I have life.

 

When I don't, I don't.

 

And I am at my wits end.

[JDPT]

Doing really crappily today.

 

This b12 thing is getting to be a nightmare. Getting 1 shot of b12 takes care of everything. I get far enough away from one, all the symptoms come back.

 

That second place I went to (still a for profit place, but the first time they seemed more on the up and up), they did the second time what the first place did, drew it up away from me and diluted. One great and real dose the first time, and then the next was obviously diluted (you can even feel it. The b12 really doesn't sting at all, I mean the needle pricks, but it itself doesn't really hurt. Interestingly enough, saline does kind of sting going in, as this did, which is why I should have known it right off).

 

So I have lined up at one of the drugstore clinics in town, my doctor from my hometown called in a couple of weeks worth of shots, but they won't have it in til tomorrow. I am already a day behind.

 

And because my doctor at home put together my symptoms with my gluten intolerance and said that sounds like B12 deficiency and treated me without demanding labs (since the cause and the answer were 2 plus 2 obvious) my doctor here won't do it unless I go off of the shots long enough to prove I am deficient. SHe offered to take labs, but given the date of my last shot, she was pretty sure it wouldn't qualify as deficient yet.

 

But that would take me down far enough that I am pretty sure I would lose the semester.

 

We are going to see if my doctor from my hometown would be kind enough to call in to the drugstore for the rest of the semester, and then I'll go off of them over the summer long enough to prove that I have this deficiency which will really suck because I'll definitely get all the depression, mood, peripheral neuropathy and symtpoms, but I very well might end up losing even more hair as well.

 

I mean my freaking heck, I lost over 50 pounds, lost a bunch of my hair, and have all the symptoms which begin to reverse themselves when I have the shots.

 

It is like they are holding my life in their hands. When I have enough B vitamins I have life.

 

When I don't, I don't.

 

And I am at my wits end.

 

 

Doctors can be real idiots I tell you. All that schooling and not an ounce of common sense.

[AnyaNova]

Doctors can be real idiots I tell you. All that schooling and not an ounce of common sense.

 

Thank you! I broke down and got the really nasty tasting liquid oral B complex stuff from the natural store (well, a natural store, there are several) in my town. After two doses, I am feeling, not great, but better. And I will have the shot I need tomorrow.

 

This will be a competition this semester between me and the depletion. Score and all. Any assignments I complete while depleted get counted to me. ANy I don't get in on time because of it, get tallied to it. 1/2 goes to it if I complete the work, but space off on turning it on because of the cognitive deficits when depleted. And, I won't include homework assignments I've done while not depleted, just the ones that that I complete while in the depleted state. So the tally now stands at,

 

Me: 3

B Vitamin Deficiency: 0!!!

 

I'm winning. So there.

 

I hope that you are doing well.

 

And yes, doctors can be idiots. I know that it is probably a tiny little upside to the whole thing for you, but just imagine how ripped your arms are going to be after carting your weight around on the crutches for so long!

[JDPT]

Thank you! I broke down and got the really nasty tasting liquid oral B complex stuff from the natural store (well, a natural store, there are several) in my town. After two doses, I am feeling, not great, but better. And I will have the shot I need tomorrow.

 

This will be a competition this semester between me and the depletion. Score and all. Any assignments I complete while depleted get counted to me. ANy I don't get in on time because of it, get tallied to it. 1/2 goes to it if I complete the work, but space off on turning it on because of the cognitive deficits when depleted. And, I won't include homework assignments I've done while not depleted, just the ones that that I complete while in the depleted state. So the tally now stands at,

 

Me: 3

B Vitamin Deficiency: 0!!!

 

I'm winning. So there.

 

I hope that you are doing well.

 

And yes, doctors can be idiots. I know that it is probably a tiny little upside to the whole thing for you, but just imagine how ripped your arms are going to be after carting your weight around on the crutches for so long!

 

 

Good for you, keep up the good work. I know what it is to even attempt to study while depressed or anxious, specially due to this ridiculous BU. There were times when I had to read the same line five times to fully understand it lol, my mind was always elsewhere.

I really had to push through my last semester. I compared how school was so easy while I was still in the relationships and the As came with very little effort. I still managed to get As but with a ton of work post BU.

Haha, that's exactly what I thought yesterday, when I decided to diligently use my crutches. I actually said to myself "dammit this is a workout" but hey, anything to heal properly. Yesterday I over did it, I went out too much. I'll most likely stay in tomorrow and only go out to the gym.

[purplehues]

Not well @ all today or yesterday. It's been 9 days since the break-up and I've at least been to maintain NC. Just sucks and I've been blah, blue, empty. Not much motivation to do anything except think of her and cry.

I believe that I'll be okay someday. But the process sucks and there's just no way around it. I hate that she broke my heart. I want myself back.

[AnyaNova]

Good for you, keep up the good work. I know what it is to even attempt to study while depressed or anxious, specially due to this ridiculous BU. There were times when I had to read the same line five times to fully understand it lol, my mind was always elsewhere.

I really had to push through my last semester. I compared how school was so easy while I was still in the relationships and the As came with very little effort. I still managed to get As but with a ton of work post BU.

Haha, that's exactly what I thought yesterday, when I decided to diligently use my crutches. I actually said to myself "dammit this is a workout" but hey, anything to heal properly. Yesterday I over did it, I went out too much. I'll most likely stay in tomorrow and only go out to the gym.

 

The difference between when I have way too little, and not even enough, really, but at little more is startling. It is like I am two different people. Before the shot (or enough of the liquid oral to stun a moose and give me a fighting chance at absorbing a little) and after. It can be a matter of only an hour or two or less and I go from being completely depressed to (depending on shots or oral supplement) great and normal, or at least decently with it and okay mood.

 

But it really does suck on those days when I am depleted when I have to go give myself an hour or two breaks while working to go lay down with my music and bawl my eyes out until my brain and body pick out enough of the oral supplement to be able to turn on again and work.

 

But, the upside for me, is that it really makes me appreciate the days when I have the shots and feel fantastic, better than I ever did in all of my life.

 

I hope, that when this levels out again, that I never lose that appreciation.

 

I think we all have to be in self-care mode right now. Especially those of us with physical issues plus breakup issues.

[ElecTriX]

Ah.. Ah new day.

 

Well.. I am honestly starting to have trouble remembering how it was in the end of our RS. I can't really remember, it's just like it has disappeared from my mind.

 

Do I miss her? Yes. Do I still have feelings for her? Yes, but not as strong as before. I do feel a kind of resentment for her, not hate, not anger. I just don't want to be near her or talk to her (which is a problem because we have a son together..). I just wish that I could move on thinking that she was a dream and didn't exist..

 

But it's a progress. Today I'm going to buy some new clothes, cut my hair and talk with an old friend about a new job. Next week I am going to meet a rockband that's looking for a singer (I have been a singer for the last 10 years) so maybe I can join them. Other than that I've started training to hopefully lose some of that "love-fat" you get after a couple of years together.

 

Life isn't so dark anymore.. It's not happy either but I'm getting there, one day at a time.

[k10k]

Just feeling hurt & betrayed - he is off leading his "busy life", enjoying the "newness" of being with another woman while I'm here struggling to forgive myself for all the mistakes I made.

 

I can't stop thinking about stupid things like "they will never work, he will soon realise that she is nuts (she is), she will soon see he is not all that" - and then I get fearful, "what if they end up being the perfect match, move in together and live happily ever after" "what if I never meet someone else and end up a crazy lonely old cat lady" - ugh. Pointless horrible thoughts - must think of other things.

 

Looking forward to the day when I'm able to post something positive here.

[stillfiguringitallou]

Today I miss the person, not the relationship.

 

I see it for the one-sided mess that it was - and myself for being his crutch through a hard time.

 

But I still miss my best friend. Hopefully - that missing will go away eventually too.

[somedude81]

Another hard day.

 

Missing her so much.

 

Basically cried myself to sleep. I haven't done that in a week or so.

 

Went to bed at 11. Woke up with insomnia at 4am. Still up at 5:47, going to try to fall asleep again.

 

I wish I could force her to see and talk to me. But I know I can't do that. All I can do is wait for the pain to die.

[jphcbpa]

Today I miss the person, not the relationship.

 

I see it for the one-sided mess that it was - .

 

I feel this too. She was a good person, not a good partner. I miss how she made me feel when we were together, but not how she made me feel when we were apart (out of sight out of mind and I was not a priority)

[H245]

Been sick since Saturday night so things have been hit or miss with my feelings. Saw her at trivia this past Tuesday and I was ok at first but quickly got uncomfortable and left after trivia ended. Doesn't feel like a complete relapse, but a few steps back were taken. Hopefully I can shake whatever is sapping my strength because all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep.

[JDPT]

Cooling down at the gym. Bumped into an old friend who I have not seen in a while. It was nice to catch up with him. Hardly thinking about the ex which is amazing.