How are you coping today?

[EthanSPK]

So I ruined it or something with a guy I met on OLD.

 

Would you please tell me more about it?

 

 

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I'm having my ups and downs. Last night had enough, just threw away all the empty bottles in my room and the beer, then cleaned. I feel better now, though I'm still lonely.

[CindyC86]

The magnitude of my loss is staggering today. Why is it some days are so much harder than others?

[fieldoflavender]

Im feeling twinges of hopelessness. Out at dinner yesterday the next table announces a pregnancy, i walked past a bride yesterday, people at the swimming pool in their little family units today... i sat and ate a chicken and avocado wrap alone. Then drove home. Alone.

 

I do not have my head in a positive mindset.

 

I know sometimes i can turn it positibe but right now i'm angry as HELL. Im so confused and bitter "why me?"... but thats just this moment.

 

So freakin angry

How dare this happen to me?

 

Another man tried to friendly chat with me in the line of a bakery and i clammed up. It made me very anxious that he could be semi interested in striking up a flirty conversation....not normal i know.

 

Im nowhere near ready to think of dating.

 

Im embarrassed that i cant seem to keep a man

 

Im so ANGRY

 

I feel like that way sometimes too, but honestly I think we should want to keep a man who is worth it. If anything, they also didn't keep us.

 

I get annoyed when these things happen, i.e. everyone else getting engaged, getting married, having kids. Then I think about a life with him and *shudders* having children with him and being tied to him FOREVER, then I realize, I am way better off alone. Am I happy alone? Not really, but I know it's better than with him.

 

Your ex sounds better than mine. At the very least, you guys are civil. Mine is still trying to hurt me. So meh. I mean sometimes you don't see someone's true colours until something like this happens. And then you realize what a huge pit of hell you escaped by breaking up with them.

 

I'd rather be alone and independent than living in misery looking beautiful to the outside world but feeling worthless inside. I feel at least more worthy of myself right now than pretending to put on a facade like I did for the entire time I was with him. It looked great to the outside world, but that's superficial and doesn't last a life.

 

You know - even if we never have children, there are other ways of having kids and if you love someone, you will find a way to be happy together. There will be someone out there who feels we are worth it. And our ex's are not those people.

[Miss Spider]

I was doing so well...5 days of not checking his social media but my will broke down today and I caved. NC day 1 starts all over again

[Amas5750]

The magnitude of my loss is staggering today. Why is it some days are so much harder than others?

 

 

Oh. Yes. Preach

[Logo]

I feel like time is running out. I’m not getting younger. And it bothers me to no end that I can’t seem to get dates. It’s been 2 months since I’ve been on a date. I just don’t know where to meet people anymore.

 

That’s when my go to comforting thought is to think about all the what ifs of had I and my ex stayed together. But I can’t change her and I can’t change the past.

 

 

Sure, things could always be worse. But I’m also feeling defeated lately. I feel as though it’s not worth trying to talk to anyone anymore because “She’ll just reject me or end up having a boyfriend or married. So why bother?”

 

 

 

 

I thought today about the movie Peter and Vandy. It broke my heart how such a beautiful relationship ended. What could have been....

 

 

I still remember how her soft skin felt against mine as we lay in bed next to each other.

 

 

It takes so much, from both individuals to keep a relationship going that I envy those who are still infatuated after their hair has turned white.

 

 

Does lasting love like that even exist these days?

[BG1]

It's been 8 months today since she broke my heart. I've suffered like never before in my life and I have been opened for change. Alone time, reflection and personal work have to lead me to this day on a positive note.

 

I'm happy and although I know I have work to do in front of me, I'm back in touch with my identity and my persona. I'm making new friends and attracting the right type of people because I'm in touch with the old me, the me that was happy being single and was eager to learn and get out of the comfort zone.

All this wouldn't have been possible without this community and almost the 8 months of strict NC.

[fieldoflavender]

Today is a really bad day and I'm hitting a lot of low's. Do you guys replay a lot of the nasty arguments and nasty things they did/said to you during low moments?

 

I think I actually just need a break for myself. Maybe there is something within myself, I don't know. Maybe I do need a much longer break - one that doesn't involve anyone else.

[Logo]

Today is a really bad day and I'm hitting a lot of low's. Do you guys replay a lot of the nasty arguments and nasty things they did/said to you during low moments?

 

I think I actually just need a break for myself. Maybe there is something within myself, I don't know. Maybe I do need a much longer break - one that doesn't involve anyone else.

 

 

 

Replaying and rehashing such thoughts and their words is natural. I did that non-stop in the first 3 weeks post breakup. It was exhausting.

 

 

Now, when I have an intrusive thought like that, I tell myself, “It’s time to tune to a different station.” But some thoughts still persist. Sometimes I follow that thought, think it through and realize that she was in the wrong or realize that I did my best to keep the relationship going. So after I do that, I have no reason to keep thinking about it.

 

 

I try not to let those thoughts drag me deeper and deeper into an emotional abyss. Try distracting yourself by listening to music or reading something or watching a movie. Anything. The best cure is to talk to another person or people about something unrelated. The conversation alone will steer your mind in a whole new direction and you’ll feel better afterward.

[fieldoflavender]

Thanks, it's not that bad when I'm working and distracted or out with friends etc. It's when I have other stress in my life, that this all comes back. Or I have new dating anxiety and this stuff is like this huge deterrent where I am like - why bother?

 

Like I've been thinking about what to do about this guy who's been hot and cold - but after I hash out these bad moments, to be honest, I'm very very skeptical about taking the risk again. I'm not saying I would never, but the old me would have if I had feelings for someone, and now I just think about the possible consequences, i.e. me getting majorly hurt and deceived, and I feel like - why bother if there is any obvious red flags?

 

The balance is hard to strike. I don't want the past to ruin me and my future chances, but at the same time, I keep wondering if history will repeat again.

 

I don't think I'm wrong though - this current guy is my friend but I've asked other people - he's done things that clearly make it seem like he's not worth it. And in the past, I Would care about my feelings, but now I am tired. After you've been burnt and hurt, what is the point in jumping into something that requires so much effort? At the end of the day, the waiting game isn't fun, but neither is the fall into a fiery pit of misery game - so I might as well wait.

[fieldoflavender]

Today is just so hard =( This week sucks. Sometimes you feel so alone in this world.

 

But it will pass, as everything will. Some days, when I am weak, I think I can forgive him. Not to be back together - but maybe there is no point in having so much anger and frustration anymore. What is the point?

 

Sometimes what hurts even more than the nasty arguments is faint memories of the good times - and how genuine they had looked when they did nice things for you or when they made all those promises. That you actually can not just wipe those memories away "Eternal Spotless Sunshine of the Mind" style - that perhaps for a long long time, they will be a part of who you once were, and even who you are currently - the person you are today.

 

Those memories especially hurt because they were so innocent and beautiful - but it's like we lost a vital part of ourselves, the part that had hope and dreams and didn't know the world was filled so much hatred, hurt, and badness. And the other person is gone, but they took a part of us with them that I don't think we can ever get back again. It's like you're on the other side of something - just like how we can't go back to childhood and be a child again. We've seen what the world is capable of.

 

So what next? Nothing really, except to move on.

[Logo]

Thanks, it's not that bad when I'm working and distracted or out with friends etc. It's when I have other stress in my life, that this all comes back. Or I have new dating anxiety and this stuff is like this huge deterrent where I am like - why bother?

 

Like I've been thinking about what to do about this guy who's been hot and cold - but after I hash out these bad moments, to be honest, I'm very very skeptical about taking the risk again. I'm not saying I would never, but the old me would have if I had feelings for someone, and now I just think about the possible consequences, i.e. me getting majorly hurt and deceived, and I feel like - why bother if there is any obvious red flags?

 

The balance is hard to strike. I don't want the past to ruin me and my future chances, but at the same time, I keep wondering if history will repeat again.

 

I don't think I'm wrong though - this current guy is my friend but I've asked other people - he's done things that clearly make it seem like he's not worth it. And in the past, I Would care about my feelings, but now I am tired. After you've been burnt and hurt, what is the point in jumping into something that requires so much effort? At the end of the day, the waiting game isn't fun, but neither is the fall into a fiery pit of misery game - so I might as well wait.

 

 

I feel the same way and have the same thoughts, fears and reasoning.

 

In some odd way, it's comforting to know that others have the same thought process. It makes me feel like, "Yeah, that person understands me and I know exactly where she's coming from."

 

After this last breakup, I have become more attuned to red flags. Taking the risk and getting involved with someone who exhibits the tiniest red flag is just not worth it for me. I would rather wait than get attached, breakup, and then get attached again, and breakup.

 

And that balance, yes. I think about that, too. I'm not looking for someone out of a Hollywood movie. I'm looking for a person who I'm attracted to, who can carry an intelligent conversation, is mature, honest, has ambitions and a kind heart. I think my requirements are rather broad.

 

Some people don't bother if the other person has this eye color or that eye color, or if the other person is short or tall or if that person likes the same sports team or not, or worse yet, "Oh he drives a Lamborghini, woah." These are trivial attributes in my view.

[Logo]

Today is just so hard =( This week sucks. Sometimes you feel so alone in this world.

 

But it will pass, as everything will. Some days, when I am weak, I think I can forgive him. Not to be back together - but maybe there is no point in having so much anger and frustration anymore. What is the point?

 

Sometimes what hurts even more than the nasty arguments is faint memories of the good times - and how genuine they had looked when they did nice things for you or when they made all those promises. That you actually can not just wipe those memories away "Eternal Spotless Sunshine of the Mind" style - that perhaps for a long long time, they will be a part of who you once were, and even who you are currently - the person you are today.

 

Those memories especially hurt because they were so innocent and beautiful - but it's like we lost a vital part of ourselves, the part that had hope and dreams and didn't know the world was filled so much hatred, hurt, and badness. And the other person is gone, but they took a part of us with them that I don't think we can ever get back again. It's like you're on the other side of something - just like how we can't go back to childhood and be a child again. We've seen what the world is capable of.

 

So what next? Nothing really, except to move on.

 

 

You have verbalized my thoughts and feelings to a T.

 

I was thinking the other day about how that magic, that beauty of the first date, the anticipation, the energy, the eagerness to get to know someone and have a good time has kind of faded. I treat dates like interviews now. I wasn't like that before. But it sure was a learning experience.

 

I would like to think that I have become better at telling the difference between truth and lies, but sometimes I wonder if I'm painting with wide brush strokes and labeling everything a fabrication because of the skepticism that enveloped me after the relationship.

[fieldoflavender]

Gosh me too, it's the same. Actually even before I met him, it's been like that. I never felt the magic with him on the first date. I've gone on 50 first dates (I should have my own movie by now) or more by now. It totally feels like an interview sigh. But it's not bad to be somewhat practical about it.

 

I'm the same way - I've long lost the thought of "Prince Charming". Now sadly, I think about if we break up in the future, will he a jerk? Both of my ex's were terrible jerks, the recent one even worse than the first (and I had thought no one could beat him).

 

I'm no longer naive to think that people can not break up, but I just have this small hope that if I break up in the future, someone won't go out of their way to seek havoc into my life and hurt me even more than the break-up itself. Apparently that is too much to ask. It really hurts my sense of whether I have good judgement or not.

 

I don't care about superficial things either - I have a high paying job and I can more than enough support myself. I can live comfortably by myself, even more than many 2 income families. OF course my ex's family had +++++ money, but that was the problem in the past, and I don't want all that money - I just want them to have a professional job, be a good person, and grow old together? But that's too much to ask apparently.

 

Yeah I have the same issue - when someone has a hint of a red flag, I weigh it out - and now that I've been burnt so many times, I think - what is the point? And often I give up. I think with time, we get better at this.

 

We shouldn't punish future people with the sins of our ex's either, but it's hard to really know what is real and what is fake.

[Logo]

Another Groundhog Day. I don’t enjoy the things I do. Even when I’m out and having fun, I still feel a gaping hole in my heart and soul.

[divegrl]

I’m not sure......... I’m just not sure.......

[Reyne012]

Honestly, I don't wish her well at all. She hurt me and made me feel so alone. All I want to do is know that she's crying or unhappy, and that she can't move on. I don't want good things to happen to this girl, and I know it's not fair, and selfish, but that is just who I am right now.

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah I feel that way too sometimes. I don't think I am that selfless. It's not fair that only I have to suffer while he has no biological clock and wasting a year or more means very little - he can easily go find a gold digger, while for me, a year or more in my 30's is a huge deal. I get really mad about that.

 

And I still have to live with forgiving myself for now having to deal with the aftermath about having to explain to people that I have now broken up blah blah. So embarrassing.

 

Sadly I don't believe in karma. Otherwise why is there so much bad left in the world? Meh I can only focus on myself.

 

The other dating stuff isn't going well either, but I can't rely on that to make me happy. Hopefully after all this stressful crap, I can move on and be at least a bit happier for myself.

[fieldoflavender]

And I know we should stop looking at other couples and comparing.

 

I think we should hang around more single people. Whenever I am around couples, I get more depressed.

 

If I see more people like me, I don't get as upset.

[divegrl]

Well being on this side of the break up hurts too. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was faithful and trustworthy. We just weren’t right.

 

And now I find myself questioning if I made the right decision. I miss him; I miss being with him. But it just wasn’t working.

 

It hurts.

 

I feel like I’ve been thru this so much lately. Accept we were not right for each other, feel the pain. Move on towards joy.

 

 

Maybe stop dating...... lol.

 

Wishing you peace and love my friends.

[lostsoul4286]

Yeah I feel that way too sometimes. I don't think I am that selfless. It's not fair that only I have to suffer while he has no biological clock and wasting a year or more means very little - he can easily go find a gold digger, while for me, a year or more in my 30's is a huge deal. I get really mad about that.

 

And I still have to live with forgiving myself for now having to deal with the aftermath about having to explain to people that I have now broken up blah blah. So embarrassing.

 

Sadly I don't believe in karma. Otherwise why is there so much bad left in the world? Meh I can only focus on myself.

 

The other dating stuff isn't going well either, but I can't rely on that to make me happy. Hopefully after all this stressful crap, I can move on and be at least a bit happier for myself.

 

 

Trying going to friends that are execs in companies and other high levels that you were dumped 3 days before your partner was supposed to fly out to visit you. That the trip that she was taking to come see me was during our anniversary, and that I was going to propose on said date... with a photographer already booked for the surprise proposal on the Brooklyn Bridge. Family that knew here were shocked. It was a huge bummer to say the least, and now I'm left holding the pieces. She never gave me a straight answer as to why she went from hot to cold in less than a week. But all the lies she told me started to fall apart as time went by and people that knew her cleared up a lot of the things.

 

I wish you the best

[Teany3]

Today it just snuck up on me. Knocked the sh.t out of me actually. I thought I was doing okay.

 

Someone told me today that I would have to use the “logical side of my brain” and start dating and meeting people. That it’s time.

 

God I wish I was that person. I always wondered how people are able to do that. Just...move on. I wish it was like that for me. I have tried so many things to get my X out of my system but this sh.t is so difficult. Online dating just seems so fu..ing daunting and scary as hell. Everyone I know is married or in a relationship and when I try to put it out there that I am open to meeting someone nobody has any viable suitors. M….f….r.

 

To be honest I am so fu..ing tired of doing things alone. I am a professional at being on my own. I have taken trips by myself, movies, dinner, bar, blah blah blah. People always admire me for it. “Oh Teany that is so awesome! You really traveled alone? Wow!” I smile and accept the compliment. But deep down inside...I hate it.

 

I am traveling home this weekend and a part of me is dreading it because I know I am going to get bombarded with the typical relationship questions.

 

This was the first time I had ever been in love like that. I was 155% accepted as an entire person. I guess that is what I miss most. I hate the thought of your arms around someone else. Does she laugh at your jokes like I did? Is your sex as phenomenal as it was with me? Or was I just another participant in your sadistic harem?

 

F..k you.

[lostsoul4286]

Last couple of days have been hell. She reached out last week because she knows I was going to her country with my new girlfriend and it just reopened up the bruises. This pain just comes at a moments notice, the mourning that something that was so intense, so sublime, was conjured by a sociopath. It is so painful that at times I just want to burst into tears again.

[fieldoflavender]

Well being on this side of the break up hurts too. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was faithful and trustworthy. We just weren’t right.

 

And now I find myself questioning if I made the right decision. I miss him; I miss being with him. But it just wasn’t working.

 

It hurts.

 

I feel like I’ve been thru this so much lately. Accept we were not right for each other, feel the pain. Move on towards joy.

 

 

Maybe stop dating...... lol.

 

Wishing you peace and love my friends.

 

I think it's slightly better when the person wasn't a complete jerk? At least you don't hate your own judgement that much. It just doesn't feel right, and that is less of a crime than making a huge mistake being with someone who just wants to hurt you if you're not together. Or actually did hurt you during the relationship too.

 

But regardless, it all sucks. Yeah I wonder about the other things too - are they now happier with someone else? But I really could care less about him, I've figured out what type of woman he needs (i.e. one who will cater to his needs, loves money, and can't think on her own mind loving to be controlled by him and his family), but I doubt he will even figure that out for himself. Well lucky to him, lots of gold diggers all around.

 

I'm ready to move on and date other people, I don't want to be back with him - I just don't know how I can trust properly again. And any hint of red flag, I would rather screw it - why bother going back to a pit of misery again?

[fieldoflavender]

Trying going to friends that are execs in companies and other high levels that you were dumped 3 days before your partner was supposed to fly out to visit you. That the trip that she was taking to come see me was during our anniversary, and that I was going to propose on said date... with a photographer already booked for the surprise proposal on the Brooklyn Bridge. Family that knew here were shocked. It was a huge bummer to say the least, and now I'm left holding the pieces. She never gave me a straight answer as to why she went from hot to cold in less than a week. But all the lies she told me started to fall apart as time went by and people that knew her cleared up a lot of the things.

 

I wish you the best

 

I'm sorry to hear about that, I hope you could return the ring? Or at least get some money back? I know that's the least of your worries. I hate these public break-ups, it's like you lose that little bit of privacy with people who you really don't want in your business knowing about it.

 

But you know what, you saved yourself from a long separation/divorce right? And your ex sounds avoidant. I don't think we really want a divorce with avoidant and emotionally labile people in our lives. Mine went from proposing to me and telling me he would protect me from the ills of the world to being the reason for the ills in my world *rolls eyes*.

 

So yeah....I think I'm better off without him. I wish I could say I feel about the cost of the ring, but after what he did, I can't say I do.

 

Right now, although I'm upset at myself for shaming myself, and trying to get back with him after the things he did (because I was so confused), but at least I am grateful I was spared having a child with this person or being married to him. And we didn't put a down payment on a wedding venue, so thank goodness for all that. And it is my blessings he is now out of my life. Although he manages to creep through in little passive aggressive ways like throwing away my mail, but meh. I'm sure soon enough, he will be completely out of my life.