How are you coping today?

[fieldoflavender]

It's easy to blame the dumper and I blame him a lot too. But at the end of the day, I need to improve myself. Otherwise how did I give him the chance to hurt me like this? Had I even left a mere weeks before, I would have avoided a very public engagement and hence public shaming afterwards. Yet I let it all happen. I let myself get out of control and have a mental breakdown. I knew he wasn't good for me - it wasn't normal to cry every day yet I thought it could work out because I had invested so much.

 

To be honest, what it really does is fill me with fear for the future. I have fallen in love with someone else - someone I've known longer but I'm scared of pursuing him because every thing he doesn't do - like if he doesn't walk me home, I take it as he will just hurt me in the future. We're not even dating so it's not like he's obligated to, but I'm wrecked with fear of someone hurting me like this again. Both of my ex's hurt me - the most recent one much more so since he had known me longer and had more reserve to hurt me deeper.

 

And this current guy is the one I've felt the deepest for in my entire life. So yeah, I think I'll just pass.

[Amas5750]

Its a full moon so feeling a bit of heightened sensitivity.

 

Im feeling alot of emotions. I just want to be alone. I feel like im a burden. I dont like myself much right now. I used to like myself. I used to be attractive and happy.

 

Like everyone us blessed but where are my blessings?

 

I feel its unfair

 

I feel confused

 

But i know im not thinking clearly

 

Stunned that my ex would choose not to be with me

 

Broken by this

 

How could i ever trust again (i really think its absolutely not possible).

 

Confused. Bitter. Angry. Pi$$ed off. Scared.

But also have a higher awareness that i could break free from it all. Or operate in a different space.. or let it crack me into a thousand pieces so the old me doesnt exist. Why should i have to be a new me?

 

I must have been fundamentally changed. I know my thinking is not clear and i dont feel very positive tonight

Sometimes im positive n happier! But tonight just wounded.

 

I think any time a man says he will marry a girl n have babies with her then change his mind..

Has the potential to set a rotting fire in her. Im rotting and on fire.

 

Im so hateful today

 

Usually doing better than my hateful friday night alone in bed. Gotta get my sh!# together and tomorrow i will.

[vickyp]

It's easy to blame the dumper and I blame him a lot too. But at the end of the day, I need to improve myself. Otherwise how did I give him the chance to hurt me like this? Had I even left a mere weeks before, I would have avoided a very public engagement and hence public shaming afterwards. Yet I let it all happen. I let myself get out of control and have a mental breakdown. I knew he wasn't good for me - it wasn't normal to cry every day yet I thought it could work out because I had invested so much.

 

To be honest, what it really does is fill me with fear for the future. I have fallen in love with someone else - someone I've known longer but I'm scared of pursuing him because every thing he doesn't do - like if he doesn't walk me home, I take it as he will just hurt me in the future. We're not even dating so it's not like he's obligated to, but I'm wrecked with fear of someone hurting me like this again. Both of my ex's hurt me - the most recent one much more so since he had known me longer and had more reserve to hurt me deeper.

 

And this current guy is the one I've felt the deepest for in my entire life. So yeah, I think I'll just pass.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting or pursing someone new. I agree we all have to fix ourselves inorder for this sh@@ not to happen again. If we ever do get into a current relationship as well, we all know warning red signs as well as taking this slow.

[vickyp]

Its a full moon so feeling a bit of heightened sensitivity.

 

Im feeling alot of emotions. I just want to be alone. I feel like im a burden. I dont like myself much right now. I used to like myself. I used to be attractive and happy.

 

Like everyone us blessed but where are my blessings?

 

I feel its unfair

 

I feel confused

 

But i know im not thinking clearly

 

Stunned that my ex would choose not to be with me

 

Broken by this

 

How could i ever trust again (i really think its absolutely not possible).

 

Confused. Bitter. Angry. Pi$$ed off. Scared.

But also have a higher awareness that i could break free from it all. Or operate in a different space.. or let it crack me into a thousand pieces so the old me doesnt exist. Why should i have to be a new me?

 

I must have been fundamentally changed. I know my thinking is not clear and i dont feel very positive tonight

Sometimes im positive n happier! But tonight just wounded.

 

I think any time a man says he will marry a girl n have babies with her then change his mind..

Has the potential to set a rotting fire in her. Im rotting and on fire.

 

Im so hateful today

 

Usually doing better than my hateful friday night alone in bed. Gotta get my sh!# together and tomorrow i will.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember these people played a good act. They were wearing two different masks. You will trust someone again, and meet someone who's action matches there words. But it takes time. Focus on you, making yourself happy without a partner in your life, and the rest will fall into place. Don't hate. Forgive. Remember that the end of the day it's there lost for giving up people who would of done anything to make them happy, and I bet one day, these "dumpers" will realize what they lost. Maybe not today maybe not a month from now, but they will. Keep moving forward and don't look back

[clist8511]

Everyone has ultimately chosen someone or something else over me, so what difference is it going to make if I am around or not. I am not someone who people want, want to be with or want to be around. I have consistently been passed over for someone better, for a life without me. My most recent ex doesn’t want me in her life. My ex before that didn’t, either. My family don’t contact me from one day to the next; they go on holiday without me and don’t even tell me. I sit alone in my flat day after day trying to push through to the next day, but I am running out of energy to do so.

[Soak]

I sit alone in my flat day after day trying to push through to the next day, but I am running out of energy to do so.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way clist8511.

 

Something that i find that helps is to get out of the house / flat. Just get out and do something. I find that going to the supermarket helps, or going for a short drive and then a walk, or a walk around my local shopping centre. Planning a meal to cook is also good too, and exercise will help. Just get out... Look up free art exhibitions etc.

 

Could you get a housemate in the future?

Edited October 6, 2017 by Soak

[fieldoflavender]

Okay so talking about sinking low's of all low's. I had this important mail letter (yeah I know who the hell doesn't do e-mail anymore) I Was waiting for all last 2 weeks. Everyone else got it except me - I called blah blah.

 

Finally today I realized what happened - when I applied for the thing,, I forgot to change my address from my ex-fiance's. And GUESS WHAT he decided to do with this important letter which he KNEW that was super important to my job - yup, not tell me about it. Not even return to sender. The ******* probably threw it in the garbage.

 

I get people are vengeful but really!?

 

Meh why am I surprised at this point? I know it was my fault for forgetting not to change my address back, but seriously even if I hated someone, I wouldn't steal or dump their mail. I thought that was a federal offence.

 

Thank goodness I Wasn't married - I bet he would falsify **** and make sure I end up penniless or worst.

 

I am beyond disgusted.

[newmoon]

not well. emotionally exhausted by all the hate in the world. the vegas shooting, north korea wanting to kill us all, the average person who just does something to make your day miserable. it's overwhelming emotionally and mentally to think about it all.

[fieldoflavender]

I guess I'm scared now. Things can go all "dandy" for a while - and then WHAM a knife in my back the moment I turn around. Like thanks? Do I have permanent blinders on or something?

 

Like whenever I am happy now, I wonder at what moment, they're going to turn on me and blindside me like that again?

 

Yeah and this was someone who told me that after this challenge, I should let him now (this is even after the break up) how it went and blah. Then he is the same person who threw away my mail so I couldn't even go to the thing. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I know he was a piece of crap but it still stings each time it's still thrown in my face. To be honest, it is as much of a judge on my own character as it is on his. After all, what was I thinking? I made the choice to get engaged to someone like that right? Who can I really blame besides myself?

[lostsoul4286]

Its been almost two months and I haven't felt a single urge to contact her. Even before I got back with another ex from my past, I didn't have the urge. I just cried so much in pain. She said the things I wanted to hear, threw herself at me, was willing to compromise on so many levels, and I did as well. I almost moved to her country and left everything behind in the U.S because of that intense feeling I had for her. However, once she started changing her answers about topics and decisions we made about our future, going cold and dumping me almost 4 days after that, I connected the dots and all the signs I was ignoring that I was going out with a sociopath and bolted.

 

BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH! THAT FEELING OF FINALLY HAVING SOMEONE THAT WE CAN BE EACH OTHERS PARTNERS IN CRIME AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON THESE STRUGGLES IN LIFE WHILE WE CLIMB OUR CAREERS, GONE. IT WAS ALL AN ILLUSION. HOW COULD SOMEONE THAT SUPPOSED TO BE MATURE AND SAID SHE NEVER LIES COMPLETELY DO THIS?

 

And so I continue to mourn a ghost, a person that never existed.

Edited October 7, 2017 by lostsoul4286

[Monopoly]

I feel like contacting you every day since 3 weeks now. I come home and I want to do it so much. Then I remember how us talking will only hurt and make me fall again. I remember that we tried, that we will blame each other then you will ignore me and I will feel so useless so I end up not sending you a message. Your birthday is in a month and I know I'm gonna think about contacting you. My brain can't cope with all this these thoughts, I'm tired of thinking about sending, not sending, what if, yes and no etc.

We broke up a long time ago but I don't feel like being with anyone else. I tried to date and conversations, feelings are so bland. I don't want to invest myself, get involved with anyone. With you, it was passionate, funny, but also incredibly hard. I don't want to be with someone and hurt them because I know I won't love them. But I'm at an age where people 'settle' and have kids and I feel pressure from every side.

This whole thing makes me so sad. I'm also very angry at you for the way you treated me during our last conversation, you hurt me more than I will ever hurt you so don't dare saying what I did to you is karma for you breaking up with me. It will never be on the same level, you dumped me without any explanation and out of the blue, without thinking of the consequences it would have on me. And you think that me not being there for you last year when you had family issues equals that.

Anyway I just needed to write it down, sorry for the essay guys.

[tnt41]

A few things are going on right now that are making me think of my ex often. I went as far as visiting a couple of mutual friends' social media to see if the new girlfriend had been added to their pages... she had, but I did not view her profile. I certainly did not visit his. I do not want to now what he's up to anymore.

 

I have only a few messages left that I saved from him, screenshots of texts after our post break up fight. I kept them as reminders of why I made the right decision & to remind myself that I did a pretty good job standing up for myself. They're kept in a locked folder along with a tearful, heartbroken selfie that I took the same day. I think that picture is what has kept me from contacting him. He is not worthy of making me feel that sad again. He's not worthy of my friendship. We promised we would remain friends, but he did not treat me like one then, so he does not get that from me now.

 

I'm close but not quite ready to start dating again. I wish I were, because dating is a wonderful distraction, but I thought I was ready once before & just left someone new disappointed. I don't want to do that again.

[EthanSPK]

Looks like social anxiety's here to stay. I'll have to deal with it.

[fireflyingaway]

I know I broke every break up rule last night when I walked over to him on the beach. Nearly three weeks since the break up and this was the first time we had seen each other. I couldn't let the night we broke up be our last encounter, it was too painful, I couldn't end it this way.

 

He smiled when he saw me and we talked. Caught up a little and he told me the things we had already gone over regarding the break up. "He's not right with himself." "He's working on himself" Our ending was never about our relationship, it was always about him. Everything was always about him.

 

I'm hurt, but I can't be angry. How can you be angry at someone who hates themselves? There's no reason to be berate him or put him down, he's doing that to himself. Doing that won't make me feel any better.

 

I had been hurting because I felt like he cast me aside so easily. I felt like he didn't care, but last night, for the first time since I've known him, I saw genuine pain. For the first time this stoic, mostly emotionless man, showed pain. He's hurting too. I know he feels bad, he never set out to hurt me.

 

But this is my fault as well, I never had enough boundaries to walk away when he couldn't commit earlier this year. Finally, after last night, it all makes sense. I'm clinging on so hard because now that I am alone, I have to focus on myself and my own issues. An emotionally healthy person would have walked away months ago. Though he committed to me and was my "boyfriend"...he never truly was.

 

Now I can finally begin to heal. I need to find myself again and be okay with myself. I feel lost, but I know I'm on the right path. I'm glad we ended on a better note and he can go his way and I'll go mine.

Edited October 9, 2017 by fireflyingaway

[CeciliaCylara]

I know I broke every break up rule last night when I walked over to him on the beach. Nearly three weeks since the break up and this was the first time we had seen each other. I couldn't let the night we broke up be our last encounter, it was too painful, I couldn't end it this way.

 

He smiled when he saw me and we talked. Caught up a little and he told me the things we had already gone over regarding the break up. "He's not right with himself." "He's working on himself" Our ending was never about our relationship, it was always about him. Everything was always about him.

 

I'm hurt, but I can't be angry. How can you be angry at someone who hates themselves? There's no reason to be berate him or put him down, he's doing that to himself. Doing that won't make me feel any better.

 

I had been hurting because I felt like he cast me aside so easily. I felt like he didn't care, but last night, for the first time since I've known him, I saw genuine pain. For the first time this stoic, mostly emotionless man, showed pain. He's hurting too. I know he feels bad, he never set out to hurt me.

 

But this is my fault as well, I never had enough boundaries to walk away when he couldn't commit earlier this year. Finally, after last night, it all makes sense. I'm clinging on so hard because now that I am alone, I have to focus on myself and my own issues. An emotionally healthy person would have walked away months ago. Though he committed to me and was my "boyfriend"...he never truly was.

 

Now I can finally begin to heal. I need to find myself again and be okay with myself. I feel lost, but I know I'm on the right path. I'm glad we ended on a better note and he can go his way and I'll go mine.

 

I relate to you so deeply. My ex is the same way. He broke us up because he felt so much self-loathing for himself, he felt like he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. I didn't initiate NC until a full year after, because he just couldn't fix himself still and I was starting to resent him for it. His depression was bringing me down too. A few weeks later he got a new gf. That stung, but deep inside, I know he's still got issues. She won't see his pain like I did, because he chose to show that to me and no one else. He did it because he loved me, but was too into his problems to maintain a healthy connection. He's just grasping for straws at this point. I just have to turn my head away and focus on me. It was his decision after all. Let him feel the consequences and face reality. I broke NC to leave us off on a better note too, but went straight back to NC afterward. I invested too much to just accept friendship from him at that point. He was too out of touch emotionally for us to have a stable relationship. I hope he does get better one day, but I need to work on things I have control over: me.

[fireflyingaway]

Mine keeps saying he "hopes to make it better one day..." which is so stupid to say. There is no making this better. No making it up to me.

 

I think this is one of the hardest things to accept, when someone can't be with you because of their own issues. I would be easier to be mad if he cheated or did something awful, but he's just a sad person. Being alone is easier for him and I honestly don't know if he will ever get it together.

 

Parts of me still wishes he'd ask for another chance and it's still tugging at me to wait to see if he comes around, but i KNOW that is not right. I won't do that.

 

Everyone keeps telling me what I "should" do but there is not right or wrong. Everyone deals differently, but you are right. We ourselves are the only ones we can control. I know once I work on myself I'll attract someone without all these issues. Its tough. I miss him- or I miss the idea of what he could have been if he had been emotionally stable.

[CeciliaCylara]

Mine keeps saying he "hopes to make it better one day..." which is so stupid to say. There is no making this better. No making it up to me.

 

I think this is one of the hardest things to accept, when someone can't be with you because of their own issues. I would be easier to be mad if he cheated or did something awful, but he's just a sad person. Being alone is easier for him and I honestly don't know if he will ever get it together.

 

Parts of me still wishes he'd ask for another chance and it's still tugging at me to wait to see if he comes around, but i KNOW that is not right. I won't do that.

 

Everyone keeps telling me what I "should" do but there is not right or wrong. Everyone deals differently, but you are right. We ourselves are the only ones we can control. I know once I work on myself I'll attract someone without all these issues. Its tough. I miss him- or I miss the idea of what he could have been if he had been emotionally stable.

 

Ha. Mine kept saying he still loved me and wanted to earn be back. This was post-breakup too, so what the heck was there to earn when he already had me but was the one who decided to let me go? I feel the exact same way. It would have been easier if he was just shallow and just wanted to date someone else or cheated. There would be some closure that he was an ***hole the whole time and I can just move on. But he's not, just someone who's confused and lost in his own head because he just can't let go of his past coping mechanisms that he kept into adulthood. He wants to connect but he also doesn't. I can't imagine that internal turmoil. It's hard for me to get advice from friends because by his actions, they think he's a heartless, selfish turd. They got a point, but I saw more of him than what he showed anyone else. I know it's not that black and white. Would be easy to deal with if it was.

 

It's good to grieve, even for someone who's still alive. Grieve for what could have been. Because at least for our own closure, we know that we did the best we could. We cared with all our heart. We are not the problem.

 

I believe the no-contact rule still applies very well in this situation, especially if they're already gone. We move on to become better people. Confidence in ourselves attracts positive attention. It can even inspire the depressed ex to change if they see you finding strength by being happy with yourself, something they strive to do. However, also be prepared that even then, it's no guarantee they'll come back. At that point though, it's no difference because you will either get him back or you will move on. It's win-win for you. What's meant to be will be.

Edited October 10, 2017 by CeciliaCylara

[fireflyingaway]

Ha. Mine kept saying he still loved me and wanted to earn be back. This was post-breakup too, so what the heck was there to earn when he already had me but was the one who decided to let me go? I feel the exact same way. It would have been easier if he was just shallow and just wanted to date someone else or cheated. There would be some closure that he was an ***hole the whole time and I can just move on. But he's not, just someone who's confused and lost in his own head because he just can't let go of his past coping mechanisms that he kept into adulthood. He wants to connect but he also doesn't. I can't imagine that internal turmoil. It's hard for me to get advice from friends because by his actions, they think he's a heartless, selfish turd. But I saw more of him than what he showed anyone else. I know it's not that black and white. Would be easy to deal with if it was.

 

It's good to grieve, even for someone who's still alive. Grieve for what could have been. Because at least for our own closure, we know that we did the best we could. We cared with all our heart. We are not the problem.

 

I believe the no-contact rule still applies very well in this situation, especially if they're already gone. We move on to become better people. Confidence in ourselves attracts positive attention. It can even inspire the depressed ex to change if they see you finding strength by being happy with yourself, something they strive to do. However, also be prepared that even then, it's no guarantee they'll come back. At that point though, it's no difference because you will either get him back or you will move on. It's win-win for you. What's meant to be will be.

 

No you're 100% right. Even though I know my ex isn't fully avoiding me or trying to push me out, its not fair to either of us to keep in contact right now. I needed to see him, I don't regret going last night. Everything is still fresh and I want him to be happy and be able to work on himself. Also, I want ME to be happy. I need to push the thoughts of him away and make myself better. I'm going to back to NC for now.

 

I don't know what will happen in the future. It's scary, I'm scared to venture on alone, but I know I need to do it. Healing takes time and I owe it to myself. I know good things are to come.

[CeciliaCylara]

No you're 100% right. Even though I know my ex isn't fully avoiding me or trying to push me out, its not fair to either of us to keep in contact right now. I needed to see him, I don't regret going last night. Everything is still fresh and I want him to be happy and be able to work on himself. Also, I want ME to be happy. I need to push the thoughts of him away and make myself better. I'm going to back to NC for now.

 

I don't know what will happen in the future. It's scary, I'm scared to venture on alone, but I know I need to do it. Healing takes time and I owe it to myself. I know good things are to come.

 

Glad to hear it I'm also on the same, lone path. The future is scary, but I survived from this experience and learned more about what it's like to feel human and appreciate life, cheesy as it is. Feel free to DM me if you'd like to talk more outside of the public threads.

[Amas5750]

Relatively good day. No crying.

 

Went to our old house to feed his cat as he's gone for a week (and i agreed to). Didnt even really wanna go back into the house where we once lived together. Ghost of christmas past. F##k that- preferred to be outside in the backyard watching the bees and the flowers. Thats what i call progress... last time i was in that house i was weeping n moping around. This time i didnt get affected as much.

 

Plus, had my own private business today and saw several patients. So had to focus on the people.

 

:-) its small progress but its progress :-)

[Stuck2532]

I've fought the urge to text her for the past couple of weeks. Good on me. I feel like this will continue to happen, but I'm glad I now have the strength not to reach out. That won't help either of us.

 

On that thought, I was reading this book of short poems today and ran across one that I thought would be good to share with this forum. Maybe it will help some of you too:

 

"O, were you on the mountain, or saw you my love?

Or saw you my own one, my queen and my dove?

Or saw you the maiden with the step firm and free?

And say, is she pining in sorrow like me?

 

I was upon the mountain, and saw there your love,

I saw there your own one, your queen and your dove;

I saw there the maiden with the step firm and free,

And she was not pining in sorrow like thee."

 

Move on, my friends.

[EthanSPK]

It's 2 a.m. in the morning.

 

Why the f*ck am I not good enough for anyone? F*ck this, man. I'm so angry right now that just kicked the kitchen table. I look good, I have money, I go to college, I don't live in my mother's basement, so why does everyone reject me?

[Romantic_Antics]

It's 2 a.m. in the morning.

 

Why the f*ck am I not good enough for anyone? F*ck this, man. I'm so angry right now that just kicked the kitchen table. I look good, I have money, I go to college, I don't live in my mother's basement, so why does everyone reject me?

 

You are good enough for someone and even many someones. You just haven't found the right one yet, but you will. Trust me. I know it hurts now, but you're still a young man in college and have your whole life ahead of you.

 

Stay strong. She's out there looking for you too. You just haven't found each other yet. You will, when the time is right.

[Amas5750]

Im feeling twinges of hopelessness. Out at dinner yesterday the next table announces a pregnancy, i walked past a bride yesterday, people at the swimming pool in their little family units today... i sat and ate a chicken and avocado wrap alone. Then drove home. Alone.

 

I do not have my head in a positive mindset.

 

I know sometimes i can turn it positibe but right now i'm angry as HELL. Im so confused and bitter "why me?"... but thats just this moment.

 

So freakin angry

How dare this happen to me?

 

Another man tried to friendly chat with me in the line of a bakery and i clammed up. It made me very anxious that he could be semi interested in striking up a flirty conversation....not normal i know.

 

Im nowhere near ready to think of dating.

 

Im embarrassed that i cant seem to keep a man

 

Im so ANGRY

[MeadowFlower]

So I ruined it or something with a guy I met on OLD.