How are you coping today?

[clist8511]

I woke up in a bit of a weird mood. I think the best way to describe what I was feeling is that I wanted to reach out to her and tell her that I didn't care about the relationship any more, and that I wanted us to be friends (I had this weird vision of us being 'best friends', even kidding myself that we could share details of our love lives with each other) - I have no idea what that feeling was about.

 

I don't really feel like that now. I feel a sense of sadness that, no matter how many times I could contact her or approach her in a variety of ways, that she'd always be angry with me. Her anger never seems to subside, and she is always blaming me for things/actions ("This is why I'm not talking to you/I act like this when you...") it's frustrating. Because a lot of the reasons I act in a certain way is because she's initially hurt me, and then it's turned on its head to be about her.

 

She's never truly apologised for anything she's done to me. All the emotional and psychological ways in which she's hurt me - often to the point I've felt I was having a breakdown, or couldn't sleep, or didn't eat for a few days... she's never recognised any of it. She may have apologised but just gone on to do it again.

 

I think what concerns me the most is why I still have such an attachment to her, why I still want to talk to her, why, if she came back - I'd be with her. I feel like there must be something wrong with me to feel like that. Why can't my brain just remember and stick to all the bad things she did? It would make everything a whole lot easier.

 

And self-blame; I really have to work hard daily to release guilt, blame... She has said so many things were my fault. She's even stated that the reason she never wants to speak to me again is my fault (me being upset and telling her she was abusive was "the worst thing anyone's ever done" to her, despite it being in reaction to HER telling ME I was destroying and sabotaging her life, which is false) - even though before any of that had taken place, she'd already cut me out of her life.

 

I feel annoyed that I even have to go through all of this. Write all of this. Think about all of this daily. She seems to be just getting on with it all. I doubt she's posting on forums daily, Googling "how to let go" every night. I know she isn't, never mind doubting it.

[Chilli]

Yeah, some of that was in mine , it was always me but she didn't seem to get that most of my reactions were to her poking for a wk and then going of her nut over some ting thing.

But not seeing or acknowledging any of her stuff , only my reactions to it in the end. So l was always the bad guy in things.

How old are you guys , ?

She sounds a bit bpd'ish , which was a thing we think with mine after talking with some people in the know.

Or she could just be an immature b@tch full stop.

 

But anyway, forget the friends thing, it rarely works with an ex anyway and stops you moving on. And if you did move on and still trying to be friends , it only complicates it all and probably mess it up.

Usually friends with ex thing only comes about because you just happen get along in that way anyway , but don't as a couple.

It's not something you can create or force .

 

move on , she doesn't even wanna be friends anyway, so why force it and it usually doesn't even work anyway.

Edited September 30, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

Much soul searching, many what ifs, missing, wondering, was there a way, irreplaceable not just anyone, life is fkd.

[Logo]

Life is ironic. Just this morning I was angry at my ex and after a sh*** day, I miss her. I long for her warm embrace. The familiarity of her comforting touch would make me feel wonderful right now.

 

People keep telling me that something good will come my way, but it’s times like these that I feel like reaching out to her, throwing both caution and my dignity to the wind just to see what her response might be.

 

 

It’s an awful thing being lonely. And the touch and comforting that a girlfriend can give is no match to all the nice words or the support anyone else can give.

 

 

I haven’t missed her in a few months. But tonight, I truly miss her.

 

 

Emotional loneliness is brutal. I’m starting to reminisce about our early days of courtship. Being with her felt like being in the presence of an angel. It was soothing, calming. I felt lucky like I hadn’t in a very long time.

 

 

It’s sad really. If all that love could be harnessed or stored in a bottle, perhaps it would have saved us both toward the end.

 

 

I’m tearing up and feel pathetic. Here’s to you......maybe you’ll think of me tonight.

 

 

“When I look into your eyes

I can see a love restrained

But darlin' when I hold you

Don't you know I feel the same

 

Nothin' lasts forever

And we both know hearts can change

And it's hard to hold a candle

In the cold November rain”

I know it's hard to keep an open heart

When even friends seem out to harm you

But if you could heal a broken heart

Wouldn't time be out to charm you”

Guns N’ Roses

[divegrl]

I keep trying to solve heartbreak in the same level that it was created in.

 

Who exactly is this self that is heartbroken?

 

A shift...... a transformation.

 

Wishing everyone love, joy and peace.

[clist8511]

Chilli

 

I’m 33, she’s 30. I think she is BPD, yeah. From what I know about the whole BPD and the advice over on the BPD Family forum, it seems to be the case.

 

You’re right about the friends thing. It’s probably more about just not wanting to be rejected rather than actually wanting to be friends with her.

 

It sucks, really.

[clist8511]

How am I coping today?

 

I'm still alive. That's it.

[Chilli]

Same , and the sad thing is l think to myself , so what's so great about that anyway.

 

The bpd thing , tbh it was some in the know here that made me aware of it with mine but tbh, l really don't know, our sitch was very complicated.

She was def' quick tempered but again , our sitch was very frustration and hey a lot of people are quick tempered.

 

The friends thing , yeah , you don't need that stuff though , you'll be ok.

[trustyourself]

Almost 3 months NC.

 

I still miss her, even after all the crap she put me through.

 

Her house is right next to a major highway that I was travelling down yesterday, and it gave me anxiety driving past. Sounds stupid I know.

 

Still cant listen to any of our music.

 

I have not tried dating yet. I cant. I am not ready.

 

She has not been in my dreams for a few weeks, so that is a plus! I still think about her often throughout the day, with longing, but also anger and bitterness. That is hard, because I am not a bitter person in general.

 

The anger is subsiding, and I feel I am slowly starting to accept what has happened.

 

The hardest part is I am sure she is living it up and probably does not even think about me anymore. That is how messed up my head is. haha.

 

Luckily she has not reached out like she did in our previous breakup, so that helps, and lets me know she is gone from my life for good (Hopefully).

 

I caught myself using one of her phrases she used to say the other day. Made me mad. Making a mental note to throw those in the garbage too. Haha

[Devastated77]

How am I coping today.

 

I dont know yet.

 

Im at the docs. Came very close to suicide last night. I need to do something, change my meds or something, really quick. Before i give into it.

 

I cant function. Still cant finish a full shift at work. Am broker than Ive ever been. Health is ****. I just dont care about any of it.

 

I need to do something ASAP before my life gets completely sucked under. Sad thing is, hes experiencing none of this. Is happy as Larry. Moved on after only a few weeks and we were together 17 years. Im going to end up in a mental hpspital soon if things dont get better.

[HiCrunchy]

Its his birthday tomorrow.

More than a year since we have been apart and I still think about him every single day. I still love him just as much as when we were together.

 

I want to message him.

 

"Hey C. I hope you have a wonderful 23rd birthday. How is UCSanta Cruz? I hope you are making a ton of new friends and are enjoying your new graduate program. Wishing you well. By the way, I miss you. I think about you all the time. I don't think there is a day I don't think about you. I'll pretend like you think about me too. And hopefully, they are good things. Lots of love."

 

-Kat

 

But I won't. I'll love him in silence.

[EthanSPK]

Its his birthday tomorrow.

More than a year since we have been apart and I still think about him every single day. I still love him just as much as when we were together.

 

I want to message him.

 

"Hey C. I hope you have a wonderful 23rd birthday. How is UCSanta Cruz? I hope you are making a ton of new friends and are enjoying your new graduate program. Wishing you well. By the way, I miss you. I think about you all the time. I don't think there is a day I don't think about you. I'll pretend like you think about me too. And hopefully, they are good things. Lots of love."

 

-Kat

 

But I won't. I'll love him in silence.

 

Do you mind telling me why you guys broke up? Or link me to the thread if you already posted it.

[vickyp]

Today I sent an email to my dumper on narcissistic. Before sending it I unblock his number, sure enough he calls me within mins of getting the email. There was no hi, there was no how are you? There was " you need you to stop" I said stop what, the games you played with me for 3 yrs. Well all went south. The whole time he was yelling at me, telling me it was my fault that we broke up, and that he hated me and even called me a cun#. Then he brings up my dad's funeral how he wasn't there and I was trying to make him feel guilty about it. The he says" you weren't even close to your dad, so don't even go there" when I heard that statement I knew it was over for me. Its like something just clicked in my head where I'm like wow he really is an ass:ole. I ended it saying that push people away your not mentally there and hung up. He called back, prob to tell me off but I ignored the call then blocked him again. After today I know I'm different from when I first started on here. Even after today I don't feel sad or miss him etc etc. Just mad at myself for not leaving when the signs were flashing red, mad at myself for wasting 3 yrs of my life, for what? Nothing. So anyone wanting to contact your ex be mentality ready for whatever comes out of there mouths, because I really doubt they will have anything nice to say and your wasting your time. I learnt that it is best to move on and after today it just confirms it 10000000 times. Yes your in pain, but I'm just hitting my 5 mths and let me tell you, the pain is gone of missing him. It's now just the pain of " what was I thinking"

[HiCrunchy]

Do you mind telling me why you guys broke up? Or link me to the thread if you already posted it.

 

So I never really made an official post on my breakup.

But I have made other threads where I talk about it. I'll link my other threads too. Just if you want to take a look at them.

 

He broke up with me because he couldn't have "intellectual conversation" with me. I asked him what else was wrong. Nothing else. I don't completely believe that reason but there is nothing I can do.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/635523-1-year-later-i-still-miss-my-ex

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/633992-i-am-not-attracted-most-men-what-wrong-me

 

Feel free to give me advice if you want to. I am open to it.

[EthanSPK]

So I never really made an official post on my breakup.

But I have made other threads where I talk about it. I'll link my other threads too. Just if you want to take a look at them.

 

He broke up with me because he couldn't have "intellectual conversation" with me. I asked him what else was wrong. Nothing else. I don't completely believe that reason but there is nothing I can do.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/635523-1-year-later-i-still-miss-my-ex

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/633992-i-am-not-attracted-most-men-what-wrong-me

 

Feel free to give me advice if you want to. I am open to it.

 

For some reason I can relate to how you're feeling.

 

After breaking with my ex I was disgusted about sex and couldn't feel attracted to any woman, except for her. I think I had PTSD to a certain degree, because every time I thought about sex (or the talks we had) I felt like throwing up, literally.

 

But, there's a way out.

 

I was in love with her, until a few weeks ago after we talked again after two years. After realizing how full of sh*t she is, I stopped thinking of her as the perfect girl she was in my head. Something clicked inside my head, and got really mad at her. She lied and hurt me, badly. But it took that to make me realize I wasn't thinking straight and had to get myself together.

 

Did he lie to you? Maybe. You can't possibly know, unless he tells you. Otherwise it's all inside your head. Maybe, in your heart, he's still that perfect guy you were in love with. But you have to break free from that illusion - he's not. If you look closely, no one is... but don't feel sad or depressed about it. Get angry, get pissed off, scream.

 

There's an old poem which says:

 

"Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

[sorano]

well said ethan. I agree 100%.

 

We envision the people who gave up on us as "the one" The perfect person for us. They are not. If they were, that person would still be next to you, by your side. They would love you and cherish you. Love you for you. Never give up. But people just can't let go and like ethan said, its an illusion.

 

I once read what someone said on here last year. It stuck in my head and I repeat it time to time. He said, ever look at an old statue of a goddess, how beautiful it looks from a far. Its perfect. The statue looks perfect. But, upon further inspection, as you get closer and look closer, you will see that the statue is not perfect at all. It has cracks, it has flaws. Its broken down. Its NOT perfect. He compared that to his ex. Think about it.

[HiCrunchy]

For some reason I can relate to how you're feeling.

 

After breaking with my ex I was disgusted about sex and couldn't feel attracted to any woman, except for her. I think I had PTSD to a certain degree, because every time I thought about sex (or the talks we had) I felt like throwing up, literally.

 

But, there's a way out.

 

I was in love with her, until a few weeks ago after we talked again after two years. After realizing how full of sh*t she is, I stopped thinking of her as the perfect girl she was in my head. Something clicked inside my head, and got really mad at her. She lied and hurt me, badly. But it took that to make me realize I wasn't thinking straight and had to get myself together.

 

Did he lie to you? Maybe. You can't possibly know, unless he tells you. Otherwise it's all inside your head. Maybe, in your heart, he's still that perfect guy you were in love with. But you have to break free from that illusion - he's not. If you look closely, no one is... but don't feel sad or depressed about it. Get angry, get pissed off, scream.

 

There's an old poem which says:

 

"Do not go gentle into that good night

Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

 

I spoke to my ex after the break up. I mentioned this in my thread. It made me sad because he was polite and nice but the "connection" we shared was gone. I wanted so much to experience those times when he was close, vulnerable, and open with me. He wasn't rude or mean. He never even raised his voice at me. Ever. we never fought. He never made me feel a bad about myself. He was a good boyfriend, though he did have his faults. I saw him for his faults, but I loved him anyway.

 

I know he lied when he said we could be friends, but I think that was more of trying not to hurt me. I think a lot of people use anger as a mechanism to get over exes and sometimes, and I think it works for some people. I am very slow to anger, so I do not think it will work for me.

He never treated me badly. So I try to find things to get angry about and come up empty. Plus being angry is just more taxing for me if anything.

 

I think I just have to keep reminding myself that he doesn't love me anymore. That is life is separate from mine. And that maybe I'll keep loving him to and extent and maybe that is okay. I just have to wish him the best.

 

Thanks for you input tho. I appreciate it.

Edited October 3, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[EthanSPK]

Well, hate works much faster in my life, haha. But I guess it's not for everyone.

 

-----------

 

I'm feeling good these days, except that I'm always tired and can't wake up in the morning. Maybe it's a nutrition issue.

[CeciliaCylara]

I went to a psychic a couple days ago (yep). She could already feel my intense feeling of overwhelming loss and missing someone. Funny, she said she could feel my ex trying to reach out to me, however, something is holding him back. Something that's making him stay in his relationship. Was it his shame? His self-loathing? She assured me that the love between us was real and we will cross paths in the future again. However, it won't be anytime soon.

 

Instead, she gave me insight to work on my self-healing. I must bind my wounds and travel my own path as he goes through his. So when we meet again, we would be two whole people. I'm still in grief, but my outlook is a bit more positive. Yes. This time is about me. I will heal from this experience and grow stronger as a person. I won't let anyone break me again.

 

And he'd be stupid to not try to come back in the future. I am the prize after all. The stakes are going to be high.

[EthanSPK]

I went to a psychic a couple days ago (yep). She could already feel my intense feeling of overwhelming loss and missing someone.

 

I highly suggest you stay away from psychics and such. Can't really blame you, but it's better to avoid them. They're after your money and will pull all kinds of tricks to convince you that they're not fake.

[CeciliaCylara]

I highly suggest you stay away from psychics and such. Can't really blame you, but it's better to avoid them. They're after your money and will pull all kinds of tricks to convince you that they're not fake.

 

Mine was actually very nice and understanding, even gave me a free healing stone ($15 worth) that's focused on self-healing (dunno if it really works, but I like the color). My friend who is also a psychic has gone there, so I trust the source. I know not many people believe in that stuff, hell, I definitely didn't just a few years ago. However, I do believe we all have some connection energy wise (hence law of attraction). I'm not taking her word as fact, but using it as good insight as I decide where to go from here.

[fireflyingaway]

I hadn't cried in a few days, but since I got home from work, I just feel sad.

 

I had the urge to text him. I had the urge to ask to come over, but I resisted.

 

He ripped himself out of my life so fast. Its been a little more than two weeks since the break up and over a week of no contact.

 

I think about him less and less, but there are moments where I get sad. I think about why he couldn't just stay and fight for our relationship or for me. Why my loving him wasn't good enough. How he could just rip himself away and exit my life.

 

But I know this has little to do with me. Thats what an emotionally unavailable person does. He's selfish. He goes back into himself and prefers to just run. This is more about him than it is about me. I realize that, but stupidly I miss him sometimes. I miss my "person" and my best friend.

 

I still get sad, but the moments are fewer and they last for shorter periods of time. I just need to be strong and accept that he doesn't want me. Accept I deserve better and need to move on...

[CeciliaCylara]

I hadn't cried in a few days, but since I got home from work, I just feel sad.

 

I had the urge to text him. I had the urge to ask to come over, but I resisted.

 

He ripped himself out of my life so fast. Its been a little more than two weeks since the break up and over a week of no contact.

 

I think about him less and less, but there are moments where I get sad. I think about why he couldn't just stay and fight for our relationship or for me. Why my loving him wasn't good enough. How he could just rip himself away and exit my life.

 

But I know this has little to do with me. Thats what an emotionally unavailable person does. He's selfish. He goes back into himself and prefers to just run. This is more about him than it is about me. I realize that, but stupidly I miss him sometimes. I miss my "person" and my best friend.

 

I still get sad, but the moments are fewer and they last for shorter periods of time. I just need to be strong and accept that he doesn't want me. Accept I deserve better and need to move on...

 

OMG, you have noooo idea how much I relate to your post.

 

"Why didn't he fight for me?"

"Why did he think he wasn't good enough?" (I used to ask why I wasn't good enough)

"Why did he run and get with a new girl when I'm someone who already loves him?"

 

And it's like you said, they are emotionally unavailable from the start. They have some deep personal issues that are just beyond us and only they can solve. I miss my ex so much, but I've almost made it to one month NC. I'm going to keep going for my own sake while he can do whatever he needs to do with his life. I'm not going down with him.

 

We do deserve better. We deserve men, not boys. One will show up for us, either our exes will finally show up as men or someone new who will sweep us off our feet with love that's never been experienced before. For now, we need work on ourselves. We ARE the prize. We can take care of ourselves better than a guy who can't get his crap together. We can choose the path of self-improvement for ourselves. Guys are so into strong, independent women who are happy and who make them feel good about themselves. Many doors have opened to us now after one is closed, so let's see where this new path takes us.

[vickyp]

I found what helped me finally get over my dumper was looking at everything at finding my answers, which now I know he's a total narcissistic and it had nothing to do with me. maybe research on dumpers behaviors for answers. I know we all didn't do anything. I mean who else would put with with what we have gone threw. Hang in there everyone.

[Chilli]

Yeah , answers are good.That's why l still go around and round until l'm satisfied because one way or another eventually you get to the heart of things and stuff falls into making sense.

Well ,that's something l need to do anyways and for me it works,

For me if l do have to move on then l need to do it with understanding and so then hopefully some form of peace, not ignorance .