fieldoflavender Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Not well. When I’m awake, I feel miserable. I try to distract myself from my troubles instead of trying to resolve them, because once I start trying I start feeling bad about myself. I feel overwhelmed and I self criticize a lot. When I’m asleep, nightmares and emotionally draining dreams haunt me. I can’t seem to find peace. Logo do you want to get counselling? I did that for a few months and I know we're not professionals on here, but it really helped when my counsellor invalidated all the mean things my ex said to me on our break-up day about how I had all these issues, blah blah and she said I was just reacting normally (well not necessarily in a healthy way) but in the event of stress. Rather than think about labels and all that jazz, maybe hearing it from a third party might help raise your self-esteem. Don't self-criticize, I do it too, but give yourself a break. Improve yourself, work on that self-confidence and another person will be lucky to have you in your life who values you =) 2
MarvelFan1 Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I saw my ex yesterday, for the first time in the flesh since we split (I have seen her twice before out driving). We were across the street from each other on a narrow road. She didn't make eye contact as she looked like she was with a business aquatince, but I'm 100% she saw me as we weren't far apart in a quiet street. I felt a bit of anxiety and my heart started racing, then it kind of put a bit of a downer on my day. We have been apart for almost 5 months and I broke up with her, due to her attitude and how she treated me. Seeing her made me ask myself did I do the right thing, and a bit of guilt popped up for leaving her, causing her pain and heartache (it upset me too, bit it was for the best). I so wanted her to message me that moment and talk to me, and then I started to fantasise about us talking again... kinda messed with my head. I think I'm okay now...
vickyp Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I still get amazed every time i log into this site by different stories. Im about it hit my 5 mths, and its still been a struggle. I have my up and down days. Not because i miss my ex, more of the hurt. The hurt is what keeps going and going. I guess it hurts knowing that i never got a " hey how are you" or any bread crumb. Not that i would reply, i guess just to show me that hey, he does still care. But boy, do actions really speak loud. When i look back, i think to myself, how there was red flags, and certain things of my needs not being met. Why would i put up with that? I also clearly see that if was an honest genuine person, he would of made any attempt to be there for my fathers funeral. Even taking uber to be there. I wonder why he left. Was it because i didn't want to support him anymore? did he find someone else? Thats what hurts me the most. The fact that he left without looking back. I wish he would of cheated. At least then i could hate him, instead of wondering, wtf happened. I wonder if i ever get that money back that i gave him. Again not even a attempt to say " have it in a month, or whatever. Just gone, disappeared. I know if he would try to get back with me, i wouldn't, or couldn't go back. I feel different now. Id also be too scared that he would do it again. If he wasnt serious about being with me, then why stay with me for 3 years? I really dont get it. The name calling doesn't hurt as much, as him leaving. But i keep telling myself, " keep pushing forward." 1
fieldoflavender Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I still get amazed every time i log into this site by different stories. Im about it hit my 5 mths, and its still been a struggle. I have my up and down days. Not because i miss my ex, more of the hurt. The hurt is what keeps going and going. I guess it hurts knowing that i never got a " hey how are you" or any bread crumb. Not that i would reply, i guess just to show me that hey, he does still care. But boy, do actions really speak loud. When i look back, i think to myself, how there was red flags, and certain things of my needs not being met. Why would i put up with that? I also clearly see that if was an honest genuine person, he would of made any attempt to be there for my fathers funeral. Even taking uber to be there. I wonder why he left. Was it because i didn't want to support him anymore? did he find someone else? Thats what hurts me the most. The fact that he left without looking back. I wish he would of cheated. At least then i could hate him, instead of wondering, wtf happened. I wonder if i ever get that money back that i gave him. Again not even a attempt to say " have it in a month, or whatever. Just gone, disappeared. I know if he would try to get back with me, i wouldn't, or couldn't go back. I feel different now. Id also be too scared that he would do it again. If he wasnt serious about being with me, then why stay with me for 3 years? I really dont get it. The name calling doesn't hurt as much, as him leaving. But i keep telling myself, " keep pushing forward." I think it's worse when they were there and did things for you in the past and then when they don't want to be with you, do zero of those things. In my mind, if they were a decent guy (or partner) even if you're not together, they would still care to some extent (after all a partner you were with for so long). If he told me his family member was sick, I think I would have a normal response at the very least even if feigned. I didn't tell him though - he doesn't deserve to know and yours doesn't anymore - doesn't deserve to know anything about your life. And in some ways, better for them not to learn the lesson and just put all the blame on you. That way they can go keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. It should have been a red flag that he did that for his past screwed up relationships - he would blame the other girl and not look within himself. I messed up tons in this relationship too, but at least I'm learning from it. Unlike him - where everything is always someone else's fault. 1
vickyp Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 I think it's worse when they were there and did things for you in the past and then when they don't want to be with you, do zero of those things. In my mind, if they were a decent guy (or partner) even if you're not together, they would still care to some extent (after all a partner you were with for so long). If he told me his family member was sick, I think I would have a normal response at the very least even if feigned. I didn't tell him though - he doesn't deserve to know and yours doesn't anymore - doesn't deserve to know anything about your life. And in some ways, better for them not to learn the lesson and just put all the blame on you. That way they can go keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. It should have been a red flag that he did that for his past screwed up relationships - he would blame the other girl and not look within himself. I messed up tons in this relationship too, but at least I'm learning from it. Unlike him - where everything is always someone else's fault. He did say always put the blame on me. For example he's currently off work ( or I'm guessing is) and would always say it was my fault for making him sick. I get what your saying, but I just don't understand how your with someone for so long and they just end it. Sure I may not have been perfect, I stressed out a lot, but I never called him horrible names or did horrible things. I had respect. Then I also wonder for that last year he wasn't working, was I just being used for my money?
vickyp Posted September 26, 2017 Posted September 26, 2017 Anxiety's back. Oh, what to do... Relax. Breath in. Breath out. This too shall past. 1
Chilli Posted September 27, 2017 Posted September 27, 2017 The wondering is back too , shoulda coulda's , if only's , maybe's. Damn.
fieldoflavender Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 When you see other happy couples in your friends group, I wonder what was wrong with my brain to pick someone who would embarrass and shame me so much compared to other people who had the intelligence and luck to pick a good loving partner who will support them and give them positivity in life. I know it's my fault, well I do blame him too, but like - what was so wrong with my brain that while other people have happiness, I have to suffer through shame? I don't miss not having him, totally good riddance, but I'm not a stupid person (well I thought), so why did I not possess the intelligence to realize the relationship was SO wrong and he was going to screw me over and shame/hurt me? Sigh. Oh well. My ow fault for being clueless, lesson learned. Don't know why I needed to learn it this way, but meh? 1
EthanSPK Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Two days ago, I had a match on Tinder (downloaded this shallow app for the very first time). I was so anxious after seeing it, and started making plans and searching articles about how to have a perfect date when meeting someone from Tinder. Texted her twice, last one was yesterday. No answer. Two days have passed. But you know what? I decided to laugh about it. No big deal.
fieldoflavender Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Lol tinder is like that - I'm such a pro for online dating now that the sting of those things lasts about like 10 minutes then I'm like next. I wish I had thought that way about my ex - would have saved me such shame. Well you live and learn?
Devastated77 Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Like ****. No tears, but anxiety and emptiness. Hating my life. Feeling so lonely and helpless. Just want to sleep forever because it's the only time I don't think about him and miss him. 2
Chilli Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Yeah , sleeping forever sounds like a plan.
Fever of love Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) The whole breakup thing is such a 'ghost train' of an experience... everywhere you turn, fresh horrors keep popping up. And so you turn away, and think you're finally out of the woods... but nope!! Here's source of anxious horror, for you to run away screaming from. Turns out a very old friend of mine is having a secret birthday party held for her. I don't see her often, but we've known each other for over 20 years, and lots of other close friends will be going along. I was invited, however the invitation was delivered via my ex, who is the woman in questions hairdresser, and so sees her more regularly than me. My ex has intercepted the invitation, and re-interpreted it as 'Fever plus Ex', to 'Ex plus 1.' I am pretty upset by this, doubles up my anxiety, that she would be so nasty- that she's going to parade her new 'man' in front of my old friends, while making sure I'm socially excluded on top of awful breakup, really hurts. These people dont even know we've split, and shes plain going to turn up with someone else. This ghost train never ends. Edited September 28, 2017 by Fever of love 1
vickyp Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 today i had a break threw. i wanted to conquer my fears. I read up on narcissist behaviors. My heart sank. i read about 20 different articles all saying the same thing, and all describing my ex to a TEE. He was long story short, a fraud. Nothing he said was true. I broke nc. I emailed him. Telling him i exactly what i read in the articles, and it was all lies. I blocked his email address afterwards. I just saw now that he called me. I did not pick up. As weird as this sounds, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my heart. I feel free. Yes i know i broke nc, but i wanted him to know, that i now know who he really was. Do i feel dumb? yes and no. yes because i should of left the first time he called me a cun* , and no because these people are manipulators. But i feel so much better. HUGE weight lifted. thanks LS 3
CeciliaCylara Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 today i had a break threw. i wanted to conquer my fears. I read up on narcissist behaviors. My heart sank. i read about 20 different articles all saying the same thing, and all describing my ex to a TEE. He was long story short, a fraud. Nothing he said was true. I broke nc. I emailed him. Telling him i exactly what i read in the articles, and it was all lies. I blocked his email address afterwards. I just saw now that he called me. I did not pick up. As weird as this sounds, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my heart. I feel free. Yes i know i broke nc, but i wanted him to know, that i now know who he really was. Do i feel dumb? yes and no. yes because i should of left the first time he called me a cun* , and no because these people are manipulators. But i feel so much better. HUGE weight lifted. thanks LS I also had a weight lifted when I finally understood the depth of what depression can do to someone. The stories I read in the Depression Fallout Forum were ridiculously similar, and I know it's some kind of mental illness if he had to get therapy to fix himself, possibly strong traits of BPD too. I wrote a whole story about what happened to us and published it (using no names), knowing it's possible he may see it too. I didn't care what he thought at that point. He was also a manipulator, and it's left me feeling humiliated that I fell for it. However, the experience has helped me grow too and I've come back stronger than ever. Even so, I hope one day he will finally confront his demons and change into a better person. I just won't be involved anymore, since I'm moving and living my own life now. 1
vickyp Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 I also had a weight lifted when I finally understood the depth of what depression can do to someone. The stories I read in the Depression Fallout Forum were ridiculously similar, and I know it's some kind of mental illness if he had to get therapy to fix himself, possibly strong traits of BPD too. I wrote a whole story about what happened to us and published it (using no names), knowing it's possible he may see it too. I didn't care what he thought at that point. He was also a manipulator, and it's left me feeling humiliated that I fell for it. However, the experience has helped me grow too and I've come back stronger than ever. Even so, I hope one day he will finally confront his demons and change into a better person. I just won't be involved anymore, since I'm moving and living my own life now. Good for you. I hope these dumpers see the light one day too 1
EthanSPK Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 Desperation, that's my main feeling right now. I desperately want to have more chances to find the right one. No, I'm not asking for a girl to fall from the sky right into my arms, I'm just asking for a chance to meet her. I'm totally open right now, I'm ready to give someone my all. Yeah, this is as cheesy as can be. Oh god, I hope no one will ever know this side of me, that would embarrass me to death. But, also, I don't want to try it too hard. Every time I try it too hard, I ruin it. Things have to go as smooth and natural as possible, otherwise everything will go south.
fieldoflavender Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 today i had a break threw. i wanted to conquer my fears. I read up on narcissist behaviors. My heart sank. i read about 20 different articles all saying the same thing, and all describing my ex to a TEE. He was long story short, a fraud. Nothing he said was true. I broke nc. I emailed him. Telling him i exactly what i read in the articles, and it was all lies. I blocked his email address afterwards. I just saw now that he called me. I did not pick up. As weird as this sounds, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my heart. I feel free. Yes i know i broke nc, but i wanted him to know, that i now know who he really was. Do i feel dumb? yes and no. yes because i should of left the first time he called me a cun* , and no because these people are manipulators. But i feel so much better. HUGE weight lifted. thanks LS Aw Vicky, I think you should try not to contact him again. I mean this is just as a random stranger, but he actually doesn't deserve to learn anything from this. He is no longer part of your life, and I think a sad altruistic part of us - still wants to say our piece, still wants to tell the person that we were right. But someone made a good point on this website in another post. Nothing good will come out of this "who was more right" conversation. I mean if it really made you feel better, then that's fine, but I think you shouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing that he is still affecting you. Sometimes no knowledge is more cruel - in a sense, they will never get to be a part of your life again. Even if we don't want to be with someone, we always have that level of curiosity. But I have chosen to completely wipe him out of my life. I don't know what is more right - I wake up with a lot of anger, shame, and frustration. Why I was so stupid, why I let him embarrass and hurt me, and why I hurt him too, and why I didn't walk sooner. And all the missed time, emotions, money, and opportunities. And I ask myself - how did I end up here? But at the end of the day, I am here - and I am going to have to walk forward. I don't know if he will learn any lessons or he will go around blaming everyone around him but not himself as his crazy parents have told him to - but guess what, it's not my problem anymore. Whoever's problem it is - they can deal with it. And me telling him that I know he was malicious and a terrible person and all that - I don't think it will serve the purpose I wanted it to. I think he will just be gleeful that he is still a part of my life, that I even care to involve him in any of it. He is not worth that even. He just needs to disappear into an unfortunate part of my life that eventually will fade away like dust. And I'm sure your ex will too - you will have a much more fulfilling life without him hurting you anymore. Now you know to look for signs and red flags and it won't happen again, and that's the most important part. As for him, he can figure his **** out - not your problem anymore. Frankly I think it's a taste of their own medicine if they never learn. I don't plan on teaching him anything else anymore. If he's going to be a useless man who is dependent, then he can go ahead and do that. If he will never take responsibility for anything, then go ahead. Karma and life will teach him a lesson. Not worth my attention to.
EthanSPK Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 I broke NC. Yeah, guess it's stronger than me. I was feeling so bad last night, barely slept at all.
vickyp Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 Aw Vicky, I think you should try not to contact him again. I mean this is just as a random stranger, but he actually doesn't deserve to learn anything from this. He is no longer part of your life, and I think a sad altruistic part of us - still wants to say our piece, still wants to tell the person that we were right. But someone made a good point on this website in another post. Nothing good will come out of this "who was more right" conversation. I mean if it really made you feel better, then that's fine, but I think you shouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing that he is still affecting you. Sometimes no knowledge is more cruel - in a sense, they will never get to be a part of your life again. Even if we don't want to be with someone, we always have that level of curiosity. But I have chosen to completely wipe him out of my life. I don't know what is more right - I wake up with a lot of anger, shame, and frustration. Why I was so stupid, why I let him embarrass and hurt me, and why I hurt him too, and why I didn't walk sooner. And all the missed time, emotions, money, and opportunities. And I ask myself - how did I end up here? But at the end of the day, I am here - and I am going to have to walk forward. I don't know if he will learn any lessons or he will go around blaming everyone around him but not himself as his crazy parents have told him to - but guess what, it's not my problem anymore. Whoever's problem it is - they can deal with it. And me telling him that I know he was malicious and a terrible person and all that - I don't think it will serve the purpose I wanted it to. I think he will just be gleeful that he is still a part of my life, that I even care to involve him in any of it. He is not worth that even. He just needs to disappear into an unfortunate part of my life that eventually will fade away like dust. And I'm sure your ex will too - you will have a much more fulfilling life without him hurting you anymore. Now you know to look for signs and red flags and it won't happen again, and that's the most important part. As for him, he can figure his **** out - not your problem anymore. Frankly I think it's a taste of their own medicine if they never learn. I don't plan on teaching him anything else anymore. If he's going to be a useless man who is dependent, then he can go ahead and do that. If he will never take responsibility for anything, then go ahead. Karma and life will teach him a lesson. Not worth my attention to. I don't think it was "who was more right" I think after reading and reading articles, I got so mad that I wanted him to know I thought he was a con artist. Totally fooled me for 3 yrs. I think it was more of " I know who you really are" that's why I didn't answer his call. I knew if I did, I'd be back to square one of nc, and reliving all those horrible emotions again. I also did it because it's made me feel a lot better. Meaning, I don't blame myself, and that I am a good person with a huge heart, and he was the one with the problems. I'm done talking or even caring about him. Too me he's dead. I'll never forgive for the actions played. Never. Trust me, I see the signs loud and clear now lol
galamoosh Posted September 29, 2017 Posted September 29, 2017 3 months later and I'm still getting withdrawals
Cora Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 I was doing just fine without my ex in my life. I was moving on...went no contact...I was finally starting to get over him. Was actually happy again for once in my life. Getting used to the normalcy of single life. Getting back to a routine. Several weeks ago he came back. Apologized for hurting me....asking for my forgiveness....really turning on the charm. I stupidly gave in. He was in a weak spot. He's a recovering alcoholic and he started drinking again. Was really bad off. I felt bad for him. I wanted to help him and that was it. I didn't want to see him kill himself like he almost did before and not be there for his two young kids. I helped him get sober. Got him back into going to his AA meetings and made sure he went back to work. He's really been doing great. The thing is the first time I saw him again after he left me, I thought I could do this...just be a friend to him and get him back on track. The romantic feelings were gone, but the more time I spent with him the more those feelings creeped back in. I'm afraid I've gotten myself in much too deep now and I can't turn back. I feel like it won't end well though. It's like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never knowing if today will be the day. Always on edge. Damn him for coming back into my life and stiring up these emotions that I had put aside...that have lain dormant for so long. Now I'm just a ticking time bomb...waiting to get hurt.....again.
Logo Posted September 30, 2017 Posted September 30, 2017 3 months later and I'm still getting withdrawals It takes time. I have recovered faster from relationships that ended on a cordial note than from relationships that ended with her showing her true colors toward the end. Expect those feelings to persist in the next few months. Try and develop a new routine to keep yourself busy.
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