How are you coping today?

[Samantha.Leo]

I had an ok day yesterday but today I can't stop crying. This pain is so raw, so debilitating, and I want it to stop. The bad part is the one that can stop this pain is the one that caused it! I don't know what to do...

[Howaheartbreaks]

Today was awful. It was devastating. After a last attempt to contact he shut me down. We've been broken up for a while but the optimist in me was thinking that we'd reconnect. Thinking that he'd realize how great I was and how naive he had been to think that his next relationship would be perfect. But he's happy and in love, and after I told him how much I still loved him he shut it down.

 

And I'm not coping. I cried more today than any other day in my life. violent sobbing to the point that I thought I'd throw up. Just feeling so hopeless and pathetic. feeling so dumb for hoping he'd come back. I'm just broken. I feel like I'm being crushed. All I want to do is message him and be with him. But I can't and it kills me. I shouldn't have this attitude but I think this guy is my soulmate.

 

But it will get better.

[LoveBug143]

Ok im so happy I found this thread, had no idea that it existed! I broke up with my boyfriend 6 weeks ago bc of intimacy issues and its been tough. Today was really hard! Im a real estate agent and I had a bunch of seemingly happy couples come to my building to see apartments. That hurt! I can't help but to think of the time my ex bf and I looked at apartments together. I just went back to my office and cried. Letting it all out is SO therapeutic. Glad to know im not alone here

[trustyourself]

I saw her last night.

 

I was standing outside a bar, and she was walking towards me with a guy. I knew it was her before she was even close enough to see her face.

 

She saw me and we just looked at each other as they walked past me. She looked shocked and guilty.

 

I just let her walk by. Then 3 minutes later I get a text. "I'm sorry"

 

It has destroyed me. I finished my drink and left. Went home and just broke down. Crying. Sobbing.

 

This morning is no better. Im devastated and feel like I am back to square one.

 

Im not sure whats worse. Seeing her. Seeing her with someone else. Or the text.

 

I guess the realization that this is really over has sucker punched me.

[Rogo]

It's been 3 weeks NC since she left me out of the blue and a vague text. Almost 2 years together. Still don't know what happened. Never fought or argued. I just don't get it. Think about her like 24/7. What's she doing. Is she seeing someone. We kinda have mutual friends and that makes it hard. I want to text her. But I won't. Im pretty sure she won't come back. But I keeep thinking there is still a little hope.just because it's only been 3 weeks NC And I don't want that hope. It makes it harder. I feel like an empty shell. And want it to go away

[Logo]

Seriously leaving photos is not a good idea unless you don't want to move on. I got rid of ALL of them, none left over. There is none necessary. It's not like I will actually really forget it (I wish). It helps me move on. The past stays in the past. It doesn't mean no second chances if for what 1 in billion chance we ever have a chance together - it's not like we need those old pictures for that to happen. But at this time, you are not getting back together, so just get rid of it. Otherwise that hope is still there - those excuses.

 

The possibilities are more visible after the past is purged.

 

 

 

Over the last few months I have had moments of anger where I thought about dropping whatever I was doing, walking to my computer and formatting that memory stick that's full of pictures.

 

 

But, then I stop and try to cool myself down and decide not to do it.

 

 

I think if I do decide to go ahead with it, it will be a painful milestone that will

send me into a few days of feeling like I'm falling into an abyss and I will be reliving the days just after the breakup, crying and sobbing included.

 

 

I don't know if I want or can go through that.

 

 

I'm not keeping the pictures because I'm hoping we'll ever get back together. I'm not keeping them to remind me of her.

 

 

I'm keeping them to remind me of a beautiful period of my life, something I hadn't experienced in a long time before that.

 

 

And sometimes, on very rare occasions when I do come across the pictures, I get filled with anger at the true person that was hiding behind the mask all along.

 

 

I'm trying to imagine that the pictures and other stuff has already been deleted. "How would I feel? I wonder.

 

 

Rap is not my cup of tea, but there's this old Puff Daddy song where he sings, "Memories give me the strength to proceed, the strength I need to believe."

 

 

But then again, he's talking about someone dear to him who passed away, not a cheating ex.

 

I feel as though erasing everything will render that period of my life useless, meaningless, dream-like, a phantom of my imagination, something that never really happened. And that thought alone makes me sad, I feel deep sorrow. And I feel that good things that truly make me happy happen to me once a decade, so the mere thought of that pattern (based on a sample size of 3) scares me and makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

 

 

I wish I could open up to my best friends about all this, but men aren't really supposed to talk about their feelings and all that. Sometimes it's easier opening up to strangers.

 

I don't need someone to make me or help me be happy. It's the feeling of love that I miss, of being emotionally and mentally and physically close to someone.

 

I'm independent, I'm self reliant, but I feel like something is missing and I know what it is.

[Logo]

I saw her last night.

 

I was standing outside a bar, and she was walking towards me with a guy. I knew it was her before she was even close enough to see her face.

 

She saw me and we just looked at each other as they walked past me. She looked shocked and guilty.

 

I just let her walk by. Then 3 minutes later I get a text. "I'm sorry"

 

It has destroyed me. I finished my drink and left. Went home and just broke down. Crying. Sobbing.

 

This morning is no better. Im devastated and feel like I am back to square one.

 

Im not sure whats worse. Seeing her. Seeing her with someone else. Or the text.

 

I guess the realization that this is really over has sucker punched me.

 

 

 

How long has it been since you went no contact?

 

 

If that happened to me, I think it would be the sight of her walking with someone else.

 

 

I wish you better days ahead. Stay the course.

[trustyourself]

How long has it been since you went no contact?

 

 

If that happened to me, I think it would be the sight of her walking with someone else.

 

 

I wish you better days ahead. Stay the course.

 

Hi Logo

 

It's been about a month. This is our third breakup. Feel free to check out my rather lengthy thread/s for some background if you are curious.

 

I agree, it was her walking with someone. it was obviously a date. And then the text just made it worse. I am trying not to analyze too much, but the text through me off, as she obviously cares enough to feel guilty.

 

I am staying the course. As much as this hurt, it will probably help in the long run.

[Logo]

Hi Logo

 

It's been about a month. This is our third breakup. Feel free to check out my rather lengthy thread/s for some background if you are curious.

 

I agree, it was her walking with someone. it was obviously a date. And then the text just made it worse. I am trying not to analyze too much, but the text through me off, as she obviously cares enough to feel guilty.

 

I am staying the course. As much as this hurt, it will probably help in the long run.

 

When my ex felt guilty for ****** up a good thing I felt vindicated. It helped.

[LoveBug143]

last night i went to a steel drum party lol and i kid you not, i danced away some of my pain. While crying may be therapeutic, im convinced that so is letting loose and dancing like no one's watching! I didn't get black out drunk and dont have hangover blues this morning. I'm learning that there's so much more to life than my ex boyfriend and the relationship i once had with him. I know there are dark times through break ups but really try to find the light. Its there! I dont know how i'll feel tomorrow, or even later today but right now, im going to appreciate the happiness im feeling <3

[Chilli]

eminem , "beautiful pain" , find the light.

[anduina]

Cruising in pain, wishing it could have been different.

[fieldoflavender]

Over the last few months I have had moments of anger where I thought about dropping whatever I was doing, walking to my computer and formatting that memory stick that's full of pictures.

 

 

But, then I stop and try to cool myself down and decide not to do it.

 

 

I think if I do decide to go ahead with it, it will be a painful milestone that will

send me into a few days of feeling like I'm falling into an abyss and I will be reliving the days just after the breakup, crying and sobbing included.

 

 

I don't know if I want or can go through that.

 

 

I'm not keeping the pictures because I'm hoping we'll ever get back together. I'm not keeping them to remind me of her.

 

 

I'm keeping them to remind me of a beautiful period of my life, something I hadn't experienced in a long time before that.

 

 

And sometimes, on very rare occasions when I do come across the pictures, I get filled with anger at the true person that was hiding behind the mask all along.

 

 

I'm trying to imagine that the pictures and other stuff has already been deleted. "How would I feel? I wonder.

 

 

Rap is not my cup of tea, but there's this old Puff Daddy song where he sings, "Memories give me the strength to proceed, the strength I need to believe."

 

 

But then again, he's talking about someone dear to him who passed away, not a cheating ex.

 

I feel as though erasing everything will render that period of my life useless, meaningless, dream-like, a phantom of my imagination, something that never really happened. And that thought alone makes me sad, I feel deep sorrow. And I feel that good things that truly make me happy happen to me once a decade, so the mere thought of that pattern (based on a sample size of 3) scares me and makes me feel hopeless and helpless.

 

 

I wish I could open up to my best friends about all this, but men aren't really supposed to talk about their feelings and all that. Sometimes it's easier opening up to strangers.

 

I don't need someone to make me or help me be happy. It's the feeling of love that I miss, of being emotionally and mentally and physically close to someone.

 

I'm independent, I'm self reliant, but I feel like something is missing and I know what it is.

 

I still encourage you to do it. Beautiful memories based on lies are not really that beautiful. The quicker you see the truth for what it is, the easier you can move on.

 

I've had moments of weakness but I have nothing to look up anymore. All the pictures are gone. Every single one. I even went back to some old phones and deleted them too.

[Chilli]

Cruising in pain, wishing it could have been different.

 

yeah , know the feeling.

[Jsos91]

Today has been stressful. I found out for whatever reason my student loan didn't pay my tuition so now Ive been removed from the program I was supposed to start next month. I have to call tomorrow to try and reclaim my seat and its on a first come first serve basis, so I've been incredibly stressed out. These moments are always the worst because it would've been a time where I would have leaned on her for support and comfort, I just feel her absence more. Whats worse is that if I don't get in and I have to stay at my retail job another 6 months, its going to be incredibly hard to stay upbeat and keep a positive attitude. This program was supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel after 3 years at a job I hate. I guess I'll see what happens and I'll deal with it when I know.

 

I leave for a road trip out east tomorrow morning as well, its going to go over our wedding day and I'm hoping the day comes and goes quickly. I've been feeling so much better lately so I think I'll be able to power through the day and keep my head up, I've been so hopeful for the future as of late.

 

Fingers crossed everything gets sorted with my schooling and the road trip is a relaxing and fulfilling experience.

[JDPT]

Thank God I had a pretty decent day yesterday and today. I'm learning to proactively take charge of my emotional recovery and very diligently implementing all my therapist's suggestions. I'm in control of my thoughts and I can end the pain. I never used to believe when people used to tell me things like "it's a choice, you can decide to be ok and happy" and now I'm on a daily basis, and almost every second because the thoughts can be bothersome, to redirect my thoughts and be happy. I can do this, I need to continue working on this very diligently. I can't let up one bit, I can't afford to start throwing pity parties because I would simply be digging my own grave. I can't allow myself to get to that point where i'm so depressed and down in the dumps that I would have to start from scratch all over again.

 

It's difficult no one said it would be easy but this are the cards I was played and I'm totally ok with that. I will continue to work on myself , develop a closer relationship to God and allow him to take over the wheel and guide me whichever way he'll like me to go. Keep pushing guys the war is not over yet. I hope to one day find that girl of my dreams who would fulfill me, who i'll be able to love and respect and she do the same in return. Keep fighting the good fight guys don't give up.

[Stuck2532]

There were 67 people in this thing I volunteered for at school. It was a mock trial for this organization of which I am a member. I was supposed to be helping set up tables and ushering people to their rooms. Instead, I was told I had to be a witness for one of these mock trials. Of course, it was my exAP's trial out of those 67 people that I had to volunteer for. It's still so difficult looking at her, AND she just seems so friendly telling all about what's going on with her. In the first 2 minutes of the convo she bursts out that she bought a house. I guess what I had heard was true. She bought a house with the guy she started dating after we ended things. She seemed genuinely excited. I'm happy things are working out for her. I wish I could just move on and not let seeing her bug me. Still, I got to sit in a room with her and 4 other people for over an hour. That is the longest time we have been together in the same room in over a year. I used every single moment I could to look at her. To remember all of her. Every curve of her body. The features of her face. Those dark eyes that seem like a mirror when I look in them. I couldn't stop looking in her eyes when we talked alone briefly. I couldn't help it. I think she could tell I was staring and I started to look elsewhere right away at an attempt to hide it.

 

I fought so hard to not text her after I left. I didn't hear from her all day Sunday either so I guess she didn't think about me after the thing was over. I wish I could erase this chapter of my life and not have to relive everything every time I see her face. I wish she would have stayed an acquaintance. I wish I could look at her in secret wondering how beautiful she was and wondering about what she was really like. Instead I am stuck thinking about exactly what she was like, not just my idea of what she was like, and it is so much worse.

[fieldoflavender]

Tomorrow was supposed to mean something for us. But it will never again. Except like thinking of the time you got gum stuck on your hands and it was annoying and messy and you wish you had not put your hand on the bench and now you're stuck trying to take it off.

 

I hate the fact that despite we have literally no mutual friends, it's still not THAT easy to wipe someone's memories completely away from your life - there are little reminders here and there.

 

And then the unknown. But that is life.

 

And I hate him so much. I especially do now. I take accountability but I didn't really need all of his crap this year.

 

I really wish I never met him. I especially hate him so much tonight. Meh, I hope it'll pass.

[Amas5750]

Relatively good day.

 

Didnt cry today. Was very busy at work in the hospital.

 

Felt very hollow and moderately angry but not intensely sad or scared.

[fieldoflavender]

I'm still angry. Another example of bad judgement leading to consequences.

 

Still need to find time to sell all the crap he gave me.

[JDPT]

An overall decent day today so far. I sense a bit of anxiety but that's been something I've been living with for as far as back as I can remember. I just need to keep taking deep breaths and focus on my recovery. I'm all that matters now.

[Chilli]

An over all very sh@tty couple of wks for me.

Shoulda if l coulda just stayed in bed .

There's gotta be a song in that line !

[fieldoflavender]

I'm not as angry anymore. I will never get closure, but in a way I did for myself. It is time to say goodbye to the past. I posted the stuff online to sell. I don't feel guilty doing that anymore.

Edited August 16, 2017 by fieldoflavender

[anduina]

Can't sleep, can't eat. Feel sick all the time.

[clist8511]

I can’t believe this is real. We have broken up so many times and got back together that this feels so strange. It doesn’t feel final. While the relationship was awful, I’m so used to it and almost feel ‘safe’ within it. I KNOW her, and don’t have to worry about what I look like, whether I’m boring her, whether I’ve got enough money for her… it’s just easier to stay in that place with her than try to start a new life without her.

 

All the times that I’ve stayed up all night crying and feeling anxious. All the times that we’ve argued over petty things. All the times that I’ve felt trapped. All the times that I’ve lied about where I was/what I was doing to avoid an argument/questioning. All the times that I’ve begged her not to hurt me, not to leave me. All the times my words have been manipulated.

 

Yet, I still want her. Yet, I can’t stop thinking about her. Yet, the urge to contact her is strong, and doesn’t seem to be dying down whatsoever. Yet, she doesn’t seem to miss me or feel the same. Yet, I still want her to hold me and be mine. Sounds messed up when I write it down.

 

I’ve thought about contacting her and telling her that I hate it when we don’t talk. That I miss her presence in my world.

 

I feel so let down. I feel so embarrassed that I feel things for someone who can so easily live without me. I feel so frustrated and so hurt and … I can’t even articulate most of it. To feel things for someone who is getting on with their life is horrible. I can’t tell her a thing because she is annoyed by it all. She wants to move on from me. She doesn’t want me in her life. I mean, what am I supposed to take from that?

 

I genuinely feel as if I won’t move on. We won’t talk, and my life will move on, but I won’t. I still have feelings for people from my past - some of whom I didn’t actually have relationships with. How am I supposed to move on from someone I was with for 2 and half years? Someone I feel such a strong bond with? How can we ever be friends? The moment I find out she’s with someone my world will be torn down. I will analyse the hell out of it. My self-esteem will suffer a blow. Does he have a good job? What’s his body like? Is he good in bed? They’ve had children! They’ve had sex! There is no way I can ever voluntarily expose myself to any of that information without feeling pain. So i have to do the very thing which is causing me pain - stay no contact forever.

 

I don’t know what I’m going to do, or what I am supposed to do to accelerate the healing. I really don’t.