How are you coping today?

June 15, 2017

I haven't posted on here in a while and that primarily has to do with the simple fact that a few weeks ago I started feeling a sense of liberation and accepting the final and inevitable realization that she wasn't a good long-term partner for me.

Some days go by and I don't think about her at all, but I have found that whenever I'm physically weak, I feel a slight depression and sadness about the demise of that relationship. I need to take better care of myself.

Overall, I'm doing well. I'm no longer in a race or a rush to find someone to be with. I'm more selective because I know my value and know what I want. Meanwhile I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to enjoy whatever I have.

By the way, DarrenB, someone just lent me The Alchemist to read. They just said, "Here, you might enjoy reading this!"

As soon as I finish the current book I'm reading I'll start on that.

One thing that has helped me throughout the grieving process which I feel is now over, was that I tried to keep myself busy with things and hobbies that I enjoyed doing.

May all those seeking love and affection find it along with inner peace.

June 15, 2017

Admittedly , things are sinking in. walking was the last thing l wanted, just a last resort is all.

But a bit of back sliding just lately that is for sure and the shame of what could've been. l miss her, and no doubt it is sinking in with her too just lately.

l hate to sound materialistic though but if you've lived in as many places as l have this is a really huge thing but , l am glad and really relieved too that l can at least keep my house now and l won't have to go through the nightmare of moving again to a whole new city and paying 3 times as much for a house there compared to mine here, because she didn't liike it here so l would've had to sell up and move away.

And right when l'm finally getting back on my feet.

So at least that's something and l've at least been enjoying the house again, l've only had it 12mths and now l'm getting back into renovating it.

Today l had a chance to do a bit more on the new deck l'm building here and l must admit , l thoroughly enjoying the views and the weather out there while l was working and so thankful that l won't have to sell now.

Although very sad as well , it's at leastsomething to take my mind of things and a silver lining of sorts.

And so cool now too to hear my daughter talk about it again because she's really liking it lately and especially her room and new loft bed l've just finished building for her and now she can keep it and it feels so good knowing that.

Edited June 15, 2017 by Chilli

June 16, 2017

It seems to go in cycles. But today I was thinking about her all day. I don't want to think about the relationship too much. Going down memory lane can be emotionally trying.

The feeling of loneliness intensified since this afternoon.

I'm trying to stay strong. I don't like feeling this way. It reminds me of the hopelessness and fragility I felt after the breakup.

I can't change the past. I can only put it behind me and try to create a better future. It's a fact of life. It's something I have to accept without thinking about it too hard or dwelling on it.

"Stay strong. Take care of yourself. Maybe one day soon you'll love again."

I don't know why it seems harder than before to be and stay hopefull. It's as though the collapse of the relationship made me lose hope in future stable and meaningful relationships.

I know I shouldn't think that way. But that's how I feel. Am I wrong?

June 16, 2017

I've seen her one time in a year and a half. Over one year since we last spoke.

I drove to the mountains. got off of my motorcycle at a rest stop next to the babbling brook. The air was crisp...the sun shone brightly. The roar of the river over the rocks....then...I saw us playing on the rocks.. I saw her laughing..in spite of herself...her prideful walls collapsing, no longer caring..how she appeared...she was free of her self...and she was so beautiful ...and I no longer felt empty..when I saw her wet, in her bathing suit, that she wears to cover up her own insecurities...her hair was wet...her make up...long gone...her beauty shining brighter than the day..life was real again...

I began to cry and I could not stop myself there was nothing I could do but cry. And I didn't want to stay there in mountains...alone...without her...I got back on my bike and began the long ride home. What had been a beautiful day for me up until moment....it was as if I were ill....sick with an illness..and I did not want to be there...I wanted to be home where I recognize my self...so I left .... and as I was riding my bike home...just as I left the road side rest stop....I was heading to the house...when it hit me that I could not go home and feel better either. I was trapped there was no where I could be that would make these feelings stop and I cried even more at the truth and all I could do was feel the pain.....

June 17, 2017

I met a female version of myself. The connection is insane. Better than my ex. The beast who tossed me away. It's rare to find someone that you connect with and can tslk for 24 hrs without even knowing all. That time has passed.

I said on this forum in the past that I was done dating. Didn't want to deal with it anymore. Well, it's still true. You ask, but Alex, you just said you met your match. I finally got a taste of being in some what of a relationship again. I dread planning dates. I hate the whole dating thing. So tired of it. Same cycle. Don't want to meet family again, the friends. Etc.

Call me strange. But I really hate dating lol. I love my alone time and freedom.

June 18, 2017

I met a female version of myself. The connection is insane. Better than my ex. The beast who tossed me away. It's rare to find someone that you connect with and can tslk for 24 hrs without even knowing all. That time has passed.

I said on this forum in the past that I was done dating. Didn't want to deal with it anymore. Well, it's still true. You ask, but Alex, you just said you met your match. I finally got a taste of being in some what of a relationship again. I dread planning dates. I hate the whole dating thing. So tired of it. Same cycle. Don't want to meet family again, the friends. Etc.

Call me strange. But I really hate dating lol. I love my alone time and freedom.

We're all different I suppose. If I met my match today I would jump at the opportunity with a renewed sense of excitement and eagerness.

know what you mean, though. I felt like that after the breakup.

Now that I feel like I'm ready to move on, I THINK, I come across as too desperate and it turns women off.

I've mentioned it once; when I wasn't ready, I managed to get dates, now that I'm ready, I can barely get a first date.

Maybe I need to take things easy for a while. Lightning could strike at any moment I suppose, but I feel like I'm in a slump. Today I felt so hopeless that I missed being with my ex, with all the headaches and the hard time she gave me toward the end.

I just feel like I want to wake up next to someone in the morning and know that I can still be loved, that everything is going to be okay. I really miss that feeling.

Sorry for going off on a tangent.

June 19, 2017

Lately my feelings have been oscillating between two extremes. One week I could feel like I have finally found inner peace and come to terms with the demise of the relationship, and I feel a renewed sense of hope.

And then there are weeks when I feel so alone, so miserable, pining to be with my ex and unable to comprehend the simple fact that we will never be together again, ever. It makes me so sad.

Some days go by without so much as a thought about her crossing my mind while other days some words I hear, or places I drive by immediately take me back to a beautiful intimate moment we had together.

A week ago today I felt like a million bucks. Today I feel like what I described in my second paragraph.

I keep asking myself, "Where there things I could have said differently or done differently or not said or done at all that could have led to a different outcome during the relationship?"

June 19, 2017

I can't sleep. Restless. My mind is playing tricks on me. I'm drowning in my emotions. Bleak. Dark. It's been so long since I've recalled specific details and moments that when I do that now, no matter how hard I try to avoid doing that, those memories seem like a millions years ago.

I've gone through some tough times in my life. Some of it was up to me, but for the most part it was out of my control. Sure it's all relative. One person's circumstances don't compare to another's. But I just wish, I really hope that I could catch a break for a few years and just have a streak of a pleasant and peaceful life, just for a few years..

Here I am feeling sorry for myself. Boo hoo. Pity me.

If I could only describe in words how happy I felt in the beginning of the relationship. Sometimes I was so happy inside that I could cry. Have you ever felt so overwhelmingly happy that you could cry? It had been YEARS since I felt so happy. And I worried. I worried constantly that it wouldn't last. I didn't even want to think about the possibility of the relationship not lasting. I couldn't fathom the thought at the time. I treated lightly, but at the same time I was invested in it.

Now, a few months after the breakup there are days when I feel like dialing her number to say whatever. But I can't bring myself to do it. I have gone complete NC since the breakup.

I don't know what to do. Everyone around me doesn't want to hear it anymore.

Funny thing is that even though she betrayed me, even though she lied to me, even though she played with my emotions and at some point said some mean things, I still miss what we had. I can't go anywhere without being reminded of places we've been to when we were together. I try to stay in the moment, but the memories suck me in.

I know she changed. But so have I. We both changed throughout the relationship.

June 20, 2017

Been finding difficult not to look her up on social media these past couple of days... but what for? She's carrying another man's child now, it's just hard not to look back and think where and what we could be doing if things would've been different.

June 20, 2017

I want to be free and normal and have peace, or whatever.

Edited June 20, 2017 by MeadowFlower

June 20, 2017

withdrawals from him. havent tqalked since sunday...broke up 2 weeks ago and tried to work it out after a week of not speaking. i want to talk to him. i dont wanna be with him but i miss having him in my life. i wish he would change and care. i keep trying to see things about him on facebook but he changed his password. i want to know how he is and what hes doing. i keep thinking of him moving on eventually and i hate the thought even tho i still want him to be happy after everythign he put me through.

i miss him.

June 20, 2017

I can't sleep. Restless. My mind is playing tricks on me. I'm drowning in my emotions. Bleak. Dark. It's been so long since I've recalled specific details and moments that when I do that now, no matter how hard I try to avoid doing that, those memories seem like a millions years ago.

I've gone through some tough times in my life. Some of it was up to me, but for the most part it was out of my control. Sure it's all relative. One person's circumstances don't compare to another's. But I just wish, I really hope that I could catch a break for a few years and just have a streak of a pleasant and peaceful life, just for a few years..

Here I am feeling sorry for myself. Boo hoo. Pity me.

If I could only describe in words how happy I felt in the beginning of the relationship. Sometimes I was so happy inside that I could cry. Have you ever felt so overwhelmingly happy that you could cry? It had been YEARS since I felt so happy. And I worried. I worried constantly that it wouldn't last. I didn't even want to think about the possibility of the relationship not lasting. I couldn't fathom the thought at the time. I treated lightly, but at the same time I was invested in it.

Now, a few months after the breakup there are days when I feel like dialing her number to say whatever. But I can't bring myself to do it. I have gone complete NC since the breakup.

I don't know what to do. Everyone around me doesn't want to hear it anymore.

Funny thing is that even though she betrayed me, even though she lied to me, even though she played with my emotions and at some point said some mean things, I still miss what we had. I can't go anywhere without being reminded of places we've been to when we were together. I try to stay in the moment, but the memories suck me in.

I know she changed. But so have I. We both changed throughout the relationship.

Its so hard whent he memories come back. i cant wait to eake up and not think about texting him goodmorning. i hate this part.

June 20, 2017

I want to be free and normal and have peace, or whatever.

What a beautifully expressed truth. So human. So simple. So eloquent...

June 20, 2017

She dumped me mid-April. It's now mid-June. Two months isn't a long time I suppose considering I loved her and must extricate my mind from that. Virtually no contact apart from a couple of emails. Have good days and bad as one would expect. I still go to bed thinking about her and wake up thinking about her. Wondering if I'm borderline obsessive!! I hope not. Not like I'm stalking her or anything.

Writing on here and connecting with others is cathartic. No idea what the future holds or if reconciliation is even remotely possible. I suspect not. Not sure what move I would even make to make that happen. Fairly certain it's not on her mind tho.

June 20, 2017

I keep asking myself, "Where there things I could have said differently or done differently or not said or done at all that could have led to a different outcome during the relationship?"

I stopped asking myself that question. Truthfully there is nothing any of us could have said or done for someone who had a mind to get out of the relationship. The reasons hardly matter. If they wanted to stay they would have.

June 21, 2017

Not sure what move I would even make to make that happen..

You make zero moves. Not saying that'll get her back at all but, It WILL get you back to the person you were before her. Hopefully a better version of your former self.

June 22, 2017

There ought to be a button one can press to sort everything out.

June 23, 2017

Having a s*** day today. Not sure why...just won't leave my head. I somehow get the sense from those posting here that it's all about a breakup that seems worse than others. I've been dumped before and got back up in relatively short order. This one is a pickle..

June 23, 2017

Today is day 7, I miss him but I feel a lot better already. I know that this mutual no contact is best for us.

June 23, 2017

Last week I learnt through a common friend that my ex-girlfriend is moving back to her native country this summer. She'll probably not bother sending a goodbye message, which I must admit saddens me a little, but I'm strangely relieved to know I won't bump into her (and her boyfriend) any day. I'll probably never see her again. It's a weird feeling.

June 23, 2017

Day three and still feeling so isolated. I go through every word he said, wondering if we have a chance at a future. I have a wonderful network of friends and I hope to be able to start writing again soon. I've only shed a little tear this morning because I had to go to the doctors and he always knew how much I hated going... I didn't have a hand to hold this time.

Just gotta' stay busy....

June 23, 2017

Today is the first day where I actually feel like myself again. It's been almost 2 months since the BU and I never thought I would ever feel anything other than pain.

The acceptance that the relationship is over and there is no getting back together has really helped. It was so hard to admit that to myself. I guess I was hoping that we would some how sort everything out. It won't.

I don't know what the future holds but some how I know it's going to be alright.

For anyone who's struggling with coping, you are in my prayers and I genuinely hope that you find the peace you need and deserve.

June 25, 2017

Happy week and remember

The simple things are also the most extraordinary things,

but only the wise can see them

June 25, 2017

Maybe I need to chill more in life and accept myself as I am, badness, everything, and enjoy life.

June 26, 2017

l wrote a big soppy one here last night then deleted so hopefully this doesn't end up as long.

But l miss my little Italian.

And then there was an Italian show on tonight, sh@t , l really didn't need that right now.

Everyone's told me it's no good,they're probably right and l know a couple of good friends are sick to death of me. l wouldn't normally need anyone to tell me anything but , with her issues l'd probably been crazy not to seek advice.

But l miss her anyway.

l miss her humor, personality, life, sexuality, oh brother, this is not good.

No wonder l didn't ask that girl her number the other day, l'm in no shape to be seeing anyone else right now.

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