Inya Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Thank you Chilli, my man, I do need luck. l don't usually even bother pushing myself to get out or do things if l just don't feel like it. But atm l feel like as if l don't then l'll just exist here mostly on my own and that'll be life. Yeah that really sucks... Whenever I try to push myself it backfires on me big time. Like my first attempt to start walking again in the beginning of march. One sunny day things appeard a little less ugly, so I went for a walk first time in this year. I cried but not that much, I felt pretty good that day. Next day I had to push myself just a little and I cried more. The third day I had to kick myself out the door and I cried the whole time, I felt awful. On day four I was standing at the door with my hiking shoes on, reached for the door handle and I collapsed. I didn't go out for a week, not even to the balcony. I was worse than ever and I still am. No more pushing for me, if I don't feel like I don't do it. And it is ok. like l say l don't get the point of of NC unless you really, really , want out exactly Sh@t. lt was sooooo nice to hear her voice, so to speak. and you have no idea how much I envy you (first), then Im really happy for you...hold the elevator...hope is going up... and there is nothing to be ashamed for... 1
Earlybird2016 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Why do you feel that you have a zero chance, as you put it? She's not coming back (she's engaged to the guy she left me for) and even if she did, there's no way we could make it work. I think a person can get thru anything if they have a viable and most importantly realistic hope that matters can improve. That's not how it is for me.
divegrl Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Today I feel ugly, hopeless, old, lonely, and unloveable. So yeah, not coping so great right now. Awwww my friend. Hugs. I think you are beautiful.
divegrl Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Struggling. I feel like my kids deserve so much more. They think it's their fault that my ex husband and I are not together and that kills me. I just want them to know how special and loved they are. I was at my bible study, and the teacher said the best way to show your child that they are loved and secure, is by having a stable and loving relationship with your spouse. Awesome........ I was in tears last night. I know I should not be putting this guilt on myself. But it's so hard when the girls have tears in their eyes. It breaks my heart.
Chilli Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) Thank you Chilli, my man, I do need luck. >>> 00 Yeah that really sucks... Whenever I try to push myself it backfires on me big time. Like my first attempt to start walking again in the beginning of march. One sunny day things appeard a little less ugly, so I went for a walk first time in this year. I cried but not that much, I felt pretty good that day. Next day I had to push myself just a little and I cried more. The third day I had to kick myself out the door and I cried the whole time, I felt awful. On day four I was standing at the door with my hiking shoes on, reached for the door handle and I collapsed. I didn't go out for a week, not even to the balcony. I was worse than ever and I still am. No more pushing for me, if I don't feel like I don't do it. And it is ok. >>>> l know it, me too, exactly. When l got divorced l rented over near the beach. Hopefully so l'd at least roam the beach and make myself get out a bit and have something. But l'll never forget the feeling of how l felt and all that water , alone, l just felt like swimming out too far to get back, Often l only made it down to the gate and then l turn around and went back inside, or often my eyes were tearing as did get out and walking, and l'd think fk this sh@t l'm going back.That went on for 10mths. And here l am going through it again. yet l don't believe in pushing this stuff. l think l'm just in another sitch where l spend so much time alone already , just like back then , in this state l'm a bit worried about myself if l don't. But l'm torn on that . Because on the other hand l just wanna do whatever l feel like and the trouble is , all l feel like it sitting here talking to people like inya haha, l don't feel like life, l feel like saying fk life. exactly and you have no idea how much I envy you (first), then Im really happy for you...hold the elevator...hope is going up... and there is nothing to be ashamed for... >>>> l know , and l felt bad saying it because l know how badly you need that right now. And l felt bad about us emailing again too , because if it takes of again between us , then what ? l still don't see how it could ever be. and then there's still gonna be, well maybe , her personality things that were just no good for me, they were bad for me. On the bad side , but the goods were soooooo good. And then there's our lifestyle differences. We're such a weird mix. Your daydream would be mu day dream , but hers , no cottage of living like that way . Her's is city and cosmopolitan stuff ,san fran cisco . So l'm crazy . But the goods were soooo good. Edited May 19, 2017 by Chilli 1
Chilli Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Struggling. I feel like my kids deserve so much more. They think it's their fault that my ex husband and I are not together and that kills me. I just want them to know how special and loved they are. I was at my bible study, and the teacher said the best way to show your child that they are loved and secure, is by having a stable and loving relationship with your spouse. Awesome........ I was in tears last night. I know I should not be putting this guilt on myself. But it's so hard when the girls have tears in their eyes. It breaks my heart. Dg you gotta reassure them it had nothing to do with them, you've gotta lift that wrong guilt from them and totally remove it and tell them it;s ok . You can do that , l did with my daughter. Many a time l cuddled her and explained how sorry l was and how much l loved her , but mum and dad just couldn't work it out and that it was nothing to do with her or any one elses fault , it's was just sometimes 2 people just can't work it out .lt was only between mum and dad. You can do that , you've gotta , they can't go on feeling like that it's so bad for them and so unfair. Good luck and try it if you haven't already .it really really helps them., and always help them know that . It really changes everything. Good luck 4
Gillys Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Struggling. I feel like my kids deserve so much more. They think it's their fault that my ex husband and I are not together and that kills me. I just want them to know how special and loved they are. I was at my bible study, and the teacher said the best way to show your child that they are loved and secure, is by having a stable and loving relationship with your spouse. Awesome........ I was in tears last night. I know I should not be putting this guilt on myself. But it's so hard when the girls have tears in their eyes. It breaks my heart. There are plenty of ways to show love to children without having a "stable and loving relationship with your spouse" as a married couple. Many people come from homes with divorced families and their kids feel loved and secure because their parents shower them with unconditional love and compassion. You sound like an amazing mother by posting that message alone. You clearly love your daughters. Like Chilli said, reassuring them that its not their fault and that you and their dad will always love them, put them first and keep them safe. 3
Inya Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Yesterday's dinner went pretty well, no one noticed my mind traveling, I hope I didnt miss anything important (nothing is anyway)... Today's walking didn't go well. I had this idea how to distract my brain so I was listening to annoying sh**y music on a high volume while walking. It worked for two days but not today. Crying and a lot of crying...again. I used to think that two people in love can make it work no matter what. There was no such thing as impossible. It might be close to impossible or nearly impossible but NOT impossible. I would prefer to still think that way. Chilli – When people around me (I don't mind 10000 miles) are happy, my world is a better place. And he would call me if I only asked him to, but how destructive would that be for both of us ? don't know... Go out for a drink or two... 1
4x4storm Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Deleted tinder the other day just way to many chicks "looking to chat" I was sick of wasting my time so I'm giving it a break for now. I've just been going crazy at the gym getting back into shape but it's really annoying because I've hit that wall and my weight wont budge. Still no contact with ex since break up I know shes in another relationship so I'm just letting it be.
Chilli Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Aaahh, at least your walking In, it's a start. Glad you got to the dinner and through it in one piece but yeah, think we'd survive without all that important stuff hey. but l dunno , l do still think two people in love can make it work , it can conquer all, so how silly am l. ,a gluten for punishment . But l think your doing the right thing because you don't have a choice l'm thinking. But mine , well love conquers all but again not us either , go figure. Decided to go out tomorrow instead . There's a band on starts at 3 , l'll be the zombie in the crowd haha. But l have a feeling l should go , so l'll see if l make it out the door. And l'll have a drink for Inya too haha. Because today l was determined to finish fitting my fireplace and maybe even give it it's first light tonight and guess what , l did it. And it's cold outside tonight but the whole house is warm inside now and only a lunatic could leave this puppy tonight . Unfortunately l've got no one to play on the rug in front of it with, that'd round it off , the christening of my new fire, but , that ones gonna have to wait l guess. So l think l'll try the band tomorrow instead and l've also discovered that at least being really nice and warm can make you feel a whole lot better too so how's that , brilliant no 2
Chilli Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 (edited) l was sure l might've had an email tonight because she loves to talk after work and she went back to work today . Maybe in the morng. Edited May 20, 2017 by Chilli
Gillys Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Tomorrow makes exactly 6 months NC. A day I never thought I could get to 6 months ago. At that time, some days all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry. I found out last night that I get 11 days off in a row in June and guess what my first thought was....to reestablish contact with my ex so I can possibly go to her new city and hangout with her during my vacation. I'm disappointed in myself for still having this temptation. Deep down I'm 80% sure reaching out will cause me to feel rejected. Even if we did reconnect and I went to visit, I'm 99.99% sure the visit would not go as I imagine and I'll be back to square 1 in my healing. 2
divegrl Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Chili and Gillys Thank you so much for your responses! Your words of encouragement mean the world to me at a time when I've needed them the most. It's been a hard week for all of us, me and the girls. I snuggled in bed with my girls this morning. We went through our book of feelings. My oldest said her heart was mad and my youngest said her heart was tired. I did my best to explain to them how none of this, (the divorce, moving or changing schools) has been their fault. I said their dad and I love them no matter what. I've heard that having a child is like living with your heart outside your body, my girls are simply beautiful. Thank you guys, you are just the best! 2
Shikes Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Divegirl, really like your post and enjoy your honesty. I find you absolutely adorable through reading about you and I hope you can all find your way to indifference. It Sucks having heartache and pain take away from the blessings and joys that we have. I am glad you recognize that and your girls are lucky to have you! Best wishes 1
bananaz3 Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 I am really trying hard to hold it together today. He says that he is gone this weekend to help his sister and family move houses but I have a hard time believing it. He has lied so much in the past about things and then expects me to just take things at face value. I know that he has been emotionally if not physically attached to another girl (and I say girl cause she is at least 15 years younger). I worry that he is off some where with her. I want to text his sister to say congrats on the new house but I think it would come across as checking in. Boy do I hate feeling crazy with jealousy!! I wish he could one way or the other make up his mind of what he wants. Does he want to give us a second chance or not. Instead all I get is that he doesn't know what he wants!! Who doesn't know what they want after 8 months?!? I've told him before that I think this "relationship" with this other girl is clouding his mind, that may be he needs to try NC with her as well to see of he can figure things out. Why does our 19 years together not matter or count for anything? I guess I just can't fathom how someone could just throw it all away without giving it another chance, a chance for us to fix things together. Sorry for the long rant.
divegrl Posted May 20, 2017 Posted May 20, 2017 Divegirl, really like your post and enjoy your honesty. I find you absolutely adorable through reading about you and I hope you can all find your way to indifference. It Sucks having heartache and pain take away from the blessings and joys that we have. I am glad you recognize that and your girls are lucky to have you! Best wishes Hi! Awwwww you are beautiful! Yes I'm so glad I've shared my journey here. I hope anyone who is heartbroken can read thru my story. This week has been especially difficult. I have been having a hard time with a friend moving, struggling with money, and then making sure I'm doing the best I can for my girls! But I am happy to say I'm a 1000% indifferent about my ex! I've accepted and let go. And realized that we were not right for each other. There is even a new man who I'm completely taken with! I'm not sure where it might lead, but he is simply amazing. And super handsome and sexy.... but I digress! Big big hugs my friend. You deserve all the love and joy in the world!
Chilli Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Thanks for that DG , really hope they get to realize , its so unfair on them isn't it, breaks ya heart, fingers crossed for you guys. l use to touch on it when she needed reassurance, give it a min or two and then l'd change subject and crack some jokes or play or something, it really helped lighten it up for her not to linger too long, And yeah so agree with the we both still love you very very much thing, sooooo important. Hang in there eh. 1
GeekLover Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Coping well. Period. I love feeling stronger. My homework from my last therapy appointment was to pay attention to what I'm thinking about when I feel a certain way. It's starting to show me that I AM CONTROL (and it's only been 2 days!!!!) I look forward to my next appointment in 2 weeks. 2
Inya Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I am really trying hard to hold it together today. He says that he is gone this weekend to help his sister and family move houses but I have a hard time believing it. He has lied so much in the past about things and then expects me to just take things at face value. I know that he has been emotionally if not physically attached to another girl (and I say girl cause she is at least 15 years younger). I worry that he is off some where with her. I want to text his sister to say congrats on the new house but I think it would come across as checking in. Boy do I hate feeling crazy with jealousy!! I wish he could one way or the other make up his mind of what he wants. Does he want to give us a second chance or not. Instead all I get is that he doesn't know what he wants!! Who doesn't know what they want after 8 months?!? I've told him before that I think this "relationship" with this other girl is clouding his mind, that may be he needs to try NC with her as well to see of he can figure things out. Why does our 19 years together not matter or count for anything? I guess I just can't fathom how someone could just throw it all away without giving it another chance, a chance for us to fix things together. Sorry for the long rant. Hi there, I'm sorry you are in pain but I think you have to take control. What he wants? He wants both of you...That young girl, whom you say he is emotionaly attached to, makes him feel alive (sorry but he does have sex with her) and then your 19 years and the childreen you have together counts a great deal, he just can't decide. And he doesnt really have to because you are there waiting for him to give him another chance! He doesn't want to decide. But who cares what he wants, what do you want? You can't live like this. Find some pride and dignity and set some boundaries. Show him that you don't need him, that you are willing to have a life without him,even if you don't believe it (it seem impossible at the moment I know) try to find that strenght and he will respect you again, right now he doesn't. Childreen sufer even more bc they don't have a clear picture of what is going on, their parents are confused so are they. He might even came back but lies and cheating are hard to swallow...take care 1
Inya Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I hate Sundays, I'm not alone and it is raining. but l dunno , l do still think two people in love can make it work , it can conquer all, so how silly am l. ,a gluten for punishment . But l think your doing the right thing because you don't have a choice l'm thinking. But mine , well love conquers all but again not us either , go figure. It's good to be silly somethimes, it feels sooo good. There is always a choice...good one...and bad one...we don't have the right one for us. Forgive my English but I have to ask, are you a gluten or a glutton? And I drink tequila, by the way... 2
Chilli Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 (edited) I hate Sundays, I'm not alone and it is raining. It's good to be silly somethimes, it feels sooo good. There is always a choice...good one...and bad one...we don't have the right one for us. Forgive my English but I have to ask, are you a gluten or a glutton? And I drink tequila, by the way... Yeah , it isn't. True about choices l guess. But hey , your English is better than the spell checker, funny l remember clicking that and thinking that's not right . Ahh tequila huh , we'd get along just fine l think love it haha . today l had Johny Walker, and one for Inya, damn nice too, been way too long. Been mostly on some red wine kick lately, dunno what started that. The band was sh@t but the scotch made up for it, way too many people, wasn't in the mood, so much for making an effort. l want it to rain and get really cold so l can stay home with my new fire and be warm and miserable . Edited May 21, 2017 by Chilli 2
Gillys Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Last night I went to a friends wedding. We met in 3rd grade and have been friends for 22 years. Her and her husband have been together for 10 years and they have always been a couple that I've looked up to. They have so much love, support and trust for each other, they are constantly making each other laugh and most importantly they put each other first over anyone else. They are a biracial couple and my friends dad sadly disagreed with their relationship for years. At one point he threatened to "disown her". My friend never wavered and stuck by her man. I always thought my ex and I could do this and overcome her family's disapproval, obviously that didn't happen. Nonetheless, I'm so happy for my friend. Happy she was strong enough to stand up to her dad (who she idolized as a child) and happy she gets to be married to her best friend. 3
Jadedbyluv Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Mad at myself because I broke no contact. The convo was brief and now I just feel desperate and pathetic. Anybody know that song, "I hate u, I love u"? The song resonates with me. This feeling knowing that even though I miss him and us, it isn't what's best for me and I need to move forward. But even with time, things don't seem to get better. I hate that I love him. "I know I control my own thoughts and I should stop reminiscing..." 2
Gillys Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 Mad at myself because I broke no contact. The convo was brief and now I just feel desperate and pathetic. Anybody know that song, "I hate u, I love u"? The song resonates with me. This feeling knowing that even though I miss him and us, it isn't what's best for me and I need to move forward. But even with time, things don't seem to get better. I hate that I love him. "I know I control my own thoughts and I should stop reminiscing..." Don't feel desperate and pathetic. Lots of people have broken no contact. I've contemplated breaking NC plenty of times this week. Ohhh that song, I found myself listening to that one several times a day 6 months ago. Please don't beat yourself up over breaking NC. It happened, learn from it and try to keep moving forward in your healing. Remember how this made you feel and use it as motivation to maintain NC or whatever you need to put your feelings and wellbeing first. Chin up my friend 3
sarahssarah Posted May 21, 2017 Posted May 21, 2017 I'm coping a little better than I was yesterday. A few days ago my husband who is living with his mistress for a month Left my house and went back to her house randomly. Ignored my phone calls and everything. It's been a few days It's like I'm starting over again .. when he came back for 2 days I really thought We would come together and be fine ... but look what happened. We argued and he used that as a reason to jet. Yesterday I had to call in from work.. I was literally crying all day .. Today I cried once and I'm just trying to push myself to do little things here and there. I feel a little empty.. like nothing i do really makes me feel better. I just try not to think about him and our situation but it's impossible. I feel like he was going to try .. but he still wants to have her to go back to. Of course I can't have that so I'm doing "no contact" and trying to move on. If he really wants to reconcile one day in the near future , I would consider it if he was actually remorseful and 100% sure. But for now I'm pretty sure he's sick of me and is moving on with his Life so I must do the same. It just sucks bc he was one thing in my life that made me happy about life obviously .. I hate my job.. my kid is from him .. I'm currently pregnant by him.. so it's just hard.
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