SixxChick Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I still hate him. No matter what anybody tells me, the anger will never be gone. It's not stopping me from proceeding, contrary to what the experts will tell you. It's my defense mechanism. Consequently, I have become enlightened. I have moved forward. I see more clearly. But, I still hate him. [Mentioned twice in this post. It must be important.]
SixxChick Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I feel like I'm the only one who, after a year and half of the break up, still feels like **** whenever I think about it. I think about him daily. It's hard, after 5 years with him. I miss him. I do miss him a lot when I think of the good times. Of the promises and words. All the experience made me regret everything: regret that I let someone in in my life. I was doing good before him, being distant from people and cold. Then he came as an illusion and I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be that I'm still the same person who can trust no one. It's sad. It's sad that I'm always going to be like this. Am I the only one who is still so upset about their break up after a year and a half? One year of NC. Nope. Not going to bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, you are not alone. Some things work, others don't. As weird as it sounds, and it goes against what the experts will tell you, I will always hate him. It doesn't eat away at my soul. It just is. I am finally at the point where I am truly at peace with that hate. I have a conscience. He doesn't. Have a blessed day!
SixxChick Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I'm still waiting for the first day that won't start with tears...from october. My eyes have their own will and they leek and leek. I can't even go to the grocery store without big sunglasses. I never used to cry, it seems like I'm crying over my whole life. How much longer...don't know... I feel your pain. I really do. Some of us have been around a lot longer than you and are used to hearing this. But, time does have a magic touch of healing. I hope that you stick around long enough to tell us how you persevered. You are going to be a different person when you come through this. Life is not a straight line. Learn from the jagged edges, and the bitter pills that we sometimes have to swallow. They hurt like hell, but we all have our battle scars to share. I hope that you get back or gain a new smile soon. 2
bananaz3 Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I'm still waiting for the first day that won't start with tears...from october. My eyes have their own will and they leek and leek. I can't even go to the grocery store without big sunglasses. I never used to cry, it seems like I'm crying over my whole life. How much longer...don't know... I share your pain it has been since September for me. I keep hoping it will get easier but the littlest thing will remind me of him. Or because we have kids to think of and he loves to visit them every time he leaves from a visit my heart cracks just a little more. And I can't stop myself from watching him walk out the door and drive away. It makes me feel so weak. 2
Inya Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) I feel your pain. I really do. Some of us have been around a lot longer than you and are used to hearing this. But, time does have a magic touch of healing. I hope that you stick around long enough to tell us how you persevered. You are going to be a different person when you come through this. Life is not a straight line. Learn from the jagged edges, and the bitter pills that we sometimes have to swallow. They hurt like hell, but we all have our battle scars to share. I hope that you get back or gain a new smile soon. Thank you for your words. I know time heals or it fades it away, I have time. I know something about life, I'm not young anymore. I know pretty much everything except one thing. Do I really want to heal or do I really want to live? I don't know... I'm stuck. And it would be so much easier if he didn't love me. It would still hurt like hell but at least I would be able to accept it. I share your pain it has been since September for me. I keep hoping it will get easier but the littlest thing will remind me of him. Or because we have kids to think of and he loves to visit them every time he leaves from a visit my heart cracks just a little more. And I can't stop myself from watching him walk out the door and drive away. It makes me feel so weak. Hi there I've read your reply and this bizzare thought came to me... I wonder... Would I prefer he didn't love me and I could see him now and then, maybe just from the distance, over the fact he loves me and I will never see him again. I'm sorry my head is a mess. I don't know how to let go. The day we separated my last thought before I fell asleep was "please don't wake up". Hold on, write about whatever comes to your mind. I'll be here. I don't know if it helps me or hurts me even more but I will continue. Edited May 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge 1
Chilli Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 I share your pain it has been since September for me. I keep hoping it will get easier but the littlest thing will remind me of him. Or because we have kids to think of and he loves to visit them every time he leaves from a visit my heart cracks just a little more. And I can't stop myself from watching him walk out the door and drive away. It makes me feel so weak. Yep, similar mine, well the ex w one , lucky me though l have two sitches to think about now. Nah not 2 ex w's thank god , only got one of those . But over 4yrs now, and l too look at her, coming and going for my d, sometimes at her eyes , sometimes at her arse, sometimes at the way she looks at me now or talks to me and l know she does too. lt's so bizarre isn't it.
Chilli Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 But back to the present and gf , well, was. Unfortunately, we're kinda experienced in breaking up, we went there a few times. But it was weord , it wasn't about us getting along, we got along beautifully , but then somehow a fight would just pop up outa nowhere and one of us would usually strut of in disgust from that. Then we might not talk a few days , once it was a wk , but we'd still always be thinking of each other 24 7 and eventually one of us would crack and we'd build up again from there. This is one reason l'm not into this no contact thing. Not unless your really serious about splitting. Because nothing can be worked on and you both eventually give up if your not talking. gf and me always started talking again and then we'd both admit things and work up from there. We both always knew it wasn't over. This time though ,dunno , feels different. Our missing and thoughts and sadness, always match though, exactly . So l know she'll be struggling right now, whenever l'm struggling , guarantee it. And her thoughts will be the same too , they usually are. Those sort of things l always know about her and her me. But what l don't know is how she's doing in life, hope she's ok, and what she's thinking about what happened with us. Does she realize it and why ? l know she's missing me and thing about me, but is she realizing the issue , is she thinking she should work on it , with me and us ? Or is she thinking it is over now ?
Inya Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 But what l don't know is how she's doing in life, hope she's ok, and what she's thinking about what happened with us. Does she realize it and why ? l know she's missing me and thing about me, but is she realizing the issue , is she thinking she should work on it , with me and us ? Or is she thinking it is over now ? Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible... Right now hope is annoying as hell if you ask me. 1
Chilli Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible... Right now hope is annoying as hell if you ask me.[/QUOT yeah, same. That day dream you described, now that would be my hope, l've even got the fields right outside . But nope , not really any hope, like you l'm sick of hope. Think l'll just keep right on wallowing, here's to weed Edited May 17, 2017 by Chilli 1
penelopeanne Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 reading the book Attached has been REALLY helpful so far
Unforseen Posted May 17, 2017 Posted May 17, 2017 Today I am coping by trying my best to keep the lines of communication open to my WW in a constructive manner and not a mean or acusatory one. She has been unable to give me many of the answers I need to help me get over her A but other than that she has been really working hard at R with me. Sometime she will remember little pieces and let me know, but it's like opening the wound all over again for a bit. All the pain comes back and feelings of betrayal and sadness and anger. That is the best she can offer me and I am willing to take what I can get as the unanswered questions burn through my head some nights. Every little bit she can remember also feels like a step closer for me to be able to understand why and how she was able to do what she did and process it and get over it.
Inya Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Today I'm going to walk...as long as I can...in the woods...talk to bamby... If I'm not back I'm double lost... 1
Chilli Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Ahh , glad your gonna walk inya. Today l'm trying to fit this fireplace l bought of my brother, at least l'll be warm,,,, hope so anyway. And thinkin thinkin thinkin , too much thinkin. should l could l would l . Hollow victories, even with a fireplace, feel like sh@t. 1
Gillys Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Days off from work give me too much time to reflect on the past and get down....I need to find a new routine for my days off to avoid these pointless feelings and thoughts. I should be enjoying my days off not feeling sad
Unforseen Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Days off from work give me too much time to reflect on the past and get down....I need to find a new routine for my days off to avoid these pointless feelings and thoughts. I should be enjoying my days off not feeling sad Might sound kind of dumb, but I've been having some good luck with audio books. Even those self help types. For me it isn't days off so much as long hours driving alone. For some reason those long drives just take my mind right back to the wrong places. Listening to the audio books has been a good, helpful distraction. 1
metrognome Posted May 18, 2017 Posted May 18, 2017 Thought I was doing well. and I have been. but he changed his relationship status back to single today and I know it sounds stupid but it's just cut me so deep. it has been 4 weeks, someone needed to do it, but it really...really...really hurts.
GeekLover Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) I had my second session with my new therapist today. We had a good chat and she helped bring a bit more clarity to what happened - that his choice to leave is not about ME, it's about him. That's comforting. Ive been needing to hear something like that since he left me with so many loose ends to deal with on my own. You can only question yourself so much. I also have some homework that I'm looking forward to doing. I quite enjoy therapy homework. It gives me a focus for my thoughts. I also went to the gym for a bit of cardio, followed by yoga. I'm feeling pretty nice right now. Edited May 19, 2017 by GeekLover 2
StrangerThanFiction Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Today I feel ugly, hopeless, old, lonely, and unloveable. So yeah, not coping so great right now. 1
Earlybird2016 Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Just ... so p***ed off that it's been 17 months of hell and I've got like 40 years or something ahead of me with ZERO chance of ever being happy again
Logo Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Days off from work give me too much time to reflect on the past and get down....I need to find a new routine for my days off to avoid these pointless feelings and thoughts. I should be enjoying my days off not feeling sad Yes. That's very important, especially for your mental health. It took me a while to come up with a different routine to settle into, but once I did, it helped. 2
Logo Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 I have been doing better lately, doing my own thing, enjoying it, staying busy. But when I have free mental time, I sometimes think about the good moments we shared. It feels like it's been decades since, but it's only a few months. I have my moments. Sometimes I tell myself it had to end at some point because she changed and I found out a lot more than I bargained for about her. Other times, I fantasize that she might contact me and ask to get back together, but there would be no point to that anyway. I'm no longer looking for a relationship with the same excitement as before. I'm tired of all the flackey people out there. I figure if one day I'll run into someone, great. Until then, I'm just going to try and enjoy what I have in life as best I can. Sure, I get sad that I don't have someone very close to share my thoughts and feelings and my experiences with and I feel lonely sometimes to the point that my heart feels like it's just another bodily organ, not something associated with passion, emotions or feelings. I feel like everyone is taken and there's no one left for me. When I see couples walking together, especially young couples, I think of the joy they must be feeling, because that's how I felt. As long as we were together, nothing could take that away from us. But life is not Hollywood. 1
Logo Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 Just ... so p***ed off that it's been 17 months of hell and I've got like 40 years or something ahead of me with ZERO chance of ever being happy again Why do you feel that you have a zero chance, as you put it?
Chilli Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) Not feeling too good at all . Everything feels empty and void. and l'm talking empty and void, not just a bit of a downer. The weather is dark and cold and grey, nice touch ,thanks Gods. l'm trying to get into at least doing things on the house but that all feels empty too. Was gonna attempt to go out for a drink tomorrow night, at least be around some people and maybe even have at east some sort of a Saturday night for once , Dunno how that will go or if l'll even make it. lt's just too easy to say to hell with it and just come to bed and jump on the computer. l really have to push myself hard to even go anywhere. But l'm mostly on mu own because l work at home and only have the odd one dropping in now and then , or when l see my daughter, And l only moved here 6mths ago and know a whole 2 people and they're both still married. l don't usually even bother pushing myself to get out or do things if l just don't feel like it. But atm l feel like as if l don't then l'll just exist here mostly on my own and that'll be life. Wish l was the sort to just go out and pick up girls , at least l'd be having some fun and company. Casual sh@ts never interested me though. Edited May 19, 2017 by Chilli 1
Inya Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 This evening I have to go out to dinner with friends. No excuse is good enough, it's my best friend's birthday. The thing is I can't follow a conversation. I can sort of handle talking with one person, I still lose myself a lot...but four people... I'm freaking out right now. I've somehow developed this completely blank face and no one can notice I'm not really there. I'm not very chaty, they know that. I just need to put a smile over the poker face now and then and hope they will get drunk soon... 1
Chilli Posted May 19, 2017 Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) Good luck at dinner poker face, just keep topping up their glasses. l'm a bit ashamed. like l say l don't get the point of of NC unless you really, really , want out. Because otherwise how the hell are you suppose to work anything out and people usually just give up instead. And l knew she'll be thinking about me because we both feel the same things at the same times Well , l heard from gf, about an hour after l just finished writing how sh@t l feel. So l thought l would soon because l knew she'd be in exactly the same frame. And she think about the email l sent her last wk too. And l've gotta admit, l've now got a bit of a grin. Sh@t. lt was sooooo nice to hear her voice, so to speak. Edited May 19, 2017 by Chilli 1
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