Cora Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 I went on a date tonight. It was strange. I feel sick to my stomach and don't know why. I still miss him, but he's not on my mind constantly. 1
Inya Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 Nothing to be ashamed Inya. La la land, I have strong feelings toward that film, I'm sure that film was the start of the end of my relationship. Basically, it was the trigger (among other things), when my ex-saw that film. If meditation is not your thing. If you feel anxious, be aware of your breathing and try to have big and long breaths. Actually I'm a pretty calm person, not anxous at all. My friends would say I'm the most emotionally stable person by far (please don't lough). I have this annoying sort of heart condition which is completely benign and insignificant, but it can cause many unpleasant symptoms including panic attacks. I grew up with palpitations out of the blu and shortnes of breath and I even thought it was normal for everyone until I was diagnosed 7 years ago (feel free to laugh). I got my first panic attack while driving on a highway, I had no clue at that time what was happening to me, just that something was very wrong. I am very rational (use to be), not easily intimidated and I never panic (also past tense I guess). I was able to stop it, the second one end the third one always while driving. Then the attacks gave up on me. That one yesterday happened in my safe place, my apartament, my sanctuary and I had absolutely no control of it. So intense irrational fear freaked me out. And I caused it myself, I know. I didn't see the film yet...You must hate it...or not?
BG1 Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 There is nothing to be ashamed Inya, even the most rational people can have mental health issues. Be kind to yourself, you will be stronger and will stand up again. I think society needs to be more understandable and inclusive with mental health issues. Anxiety, depression, stress, sleeping disorders, etc... Sorry to hear that, and I reckon having an attack in your own house should be very hard. What kind of relation had you with your partner? Was a codependence or interdependence relationship? Were you the dumpee? Regarding the film, I saw it while the relationship started going south and I was sad about how things were turning. Moreover, she is an actress (moved recently to LA) and has physical similarities to Emma Stone. I think she took that film as "light in the shadow" and extrapolating the relationship they characters had to us, was one of the issues. The film is okay, but to me, script-wise is kind of weak. I didn't see a couple in the relationship but two people together pursuing their own individual dream with no space for compromise or energy to fight for a relationship that seemed to want but were not willing to fight for. To me, it's a very American way of understanding happiness thru your work, while sometimes in life other things may outweigh that. As Ryan G. I was someone helping my partner become who she wanted to be, and was proactive in helping your partner in growing. But at the same time I may have done the mistake of doing some things, not for me but to please my partner as he also did at some points. Once you see it, let me know.
Gillys Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 I had a dream about my ex last night. She showed up at the same professional conference as me (as we're in the same field). She ambushed me in the parking lot with a cheesy pickup line and asked me to go to her place for lunch, to meet her new roommate and catch up. I reluctantly accepted after some arm twisting. When I got to her new house for lunch, she informed me that she accepted a job here in my city and recently moved here to try to win me back. She said she had missed me, thought about me everyday and realized I was the "one" despite what her family thinks.....my response "you really shouldn't be here, try to get your job back at your old hospital and leave...you can't just come back after a year and expect me to be happy to see you." She wrapped her arms around me started kissing my neck and begged me to give her a second chance. I reluctantly tried to comfort her but still kept telling her that she shouldn't have showed up. I woke up thinking "wtf!? please don't let her move here!" Haha...all I can say is that this must be a sign of progress as I would have loved a dream like that months ago.
metrognome Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 LS is a weird bitter-sweet experience. It helps me get through the day whilst simultaneously being a horrible reminder of how unhappy and not healing I am. & if someone had told me a month ago that in a month's time I would be spending all day inside trawling this website I would have laughed in their face. It's mad how quickly things can change and the effect on your life one thing can have. How quickly your life can be turned completely on its head. 3
TheSwanGirl Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 I feel like I'm the only one who, after a year and half of the break up, still feels like **** whenever I think about it. I think about him daily. It's hard, after 5 years with him. I miss him. I do miss him a lot when I think of the good times. Of the promises and words. All the experience made me regret everything: regret that I let someone in in my life. I was doing good before him, being distant from people and cold. Then he came as an illusion and I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be that I'm still the same person who can trust no one. It's sad. It's sad that I'm always going to be like this. Am I the only one who is still so upset about their break up after a year and a half? One year of NC. 3
Wuku Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 I think I'm regressing a bit. I'm dreaming about her a lot at the moment. They are so vivid, and in them we seem to have a chance of reconciliation. Yet as much as the dreams hurt when I wake up, I don't feel I want them to stop entirely. Unfortunately, it makes the break up feel like yesterday, rather than almost a year and a half ago. It's amazing how powerful dreams can be. Sometimes the enormity of the loss suddenly hits home. I should have been with her for the rest of my life, I should have taken better care of the relationship. She was as much the one as I believe there can be, and I can see me regretting this for the rest of my life. I always used to ask her to stop living in the past and move on, but whose stuck there now? 2
Gillys Posted May 13, 2017 Posted May 13, 2017 I had a dream about my ex last night. She showed up at the same professional conference as me (as we're in the same field). She ambushed me in the parking lot with a cheesy pickup line and asked me to go to her place for lunch, to meet her new roommate and catch up. I reluctantly accepted after some arm twisting. When I got to her new house for lunch, she informed me that she accepted a job here in my city and recently moved here to try to win me back. She said she had missed me, thought about me everyday and realized I was the "one" despite what her family thinks.....my response "you really shouldn't be here, try to get your job back at your old hospital and leave...you can't just come back after a year and expect me to be happy to see you." She wrapped her arms around me started kissing my neck and begged me to give her a second chance. I reluctantly tried to comfort her but still kept telling her that she shouldn't have showed up. I woke up thinking "wtf!? please don't let her move here!" Haha...all I can say is that this must be a sign of progress as I would have loved a dream like that months ago. Nope false alarm I've spent the past 10 hours at work thinking about breaking NC for some stupid reason. Not that I have anything worth saying to my ex. I had to text my siblings instead during my down time today.
Inya Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 Hi there There is nothing to be ashamed Inya, even the most rational people can have mental health issues. Be kind to yourself, you will be stronger and will stand up again. I think society needs to be more understandable and inclusive with mental health issues. Anxiety, depression, stress, sleeping disorders, etc... no mental health issues, a little crazy thou What kind of relation had you with your partner? Was a codependence or interdependence relationship? Were you the dumpee? I can't write about it just yet, I'm getting there. Bottom line is I'm not a good girl here, I've done something terrible and found myself in this awkward imposibble situation with no way out. And I know I can't get better as long as I feel I deserve even worse. I only need the half of the pain to fade away just a little bit and I will be ok. Our relationship was completely interdependent and there was no dumper or dumpee.
Chilli Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 l have a completely different thing going on right now also, l wish l could but l can't talk about it here publicly. lt's just something that just happened and l'm not sure just what but something us going on though. But on gf , when l cracked a wk or so back and emailed her , l said no need to reply and she hasn't . l knew she wouldn't. Why would she , just so that l could bail on her again. But why can't she see why l did and if she could've worked on that then l never would have or would've have again. there could have been a serious future, dreams come true stuff, just why ? but there were just some things l hope she might read and take in although l doubt she will take them in, not her strongest point. But perhaps if this is where we are at now, at least she might be able to take it through life from here knowing certain things about chilli now, if she wants to, that l hope will help her. Very mixed feelings , but of course l wonder to if we could've worked on things. l wanted to , l tried, but they kept happening and it seemed impossible, even dangerous. you can't work on certain things between 2 people alone , can you.
metrognome Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 I feel furious today again. Been hurled out of denial stage straight into anger You never even acknowledged you've done anything wrong here, knowing I've been letting myself take all the blame... then question why I do
Jadedbyluv Posted May 14, 2017 Posted May 14, 2017 I want to break no contact right now because I am having a stressful, bad day. I am coming here instead because I know that isn't the thing to do. I feel soo alone.
4x4storm Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I'm no big Instagram user but I got up this morning to check it and discovered my ex had unfollowed me. Thr funny thing is she blocked me on everything but instagram simply because I don't post anything. I still think about her everyday since the break up no contact simce day one! I was planning on making my first big Instagram post latet this year to show massive changes in my life and deep down was kinda hopping she would see it.... oh well I'm not goimg out of my way to pursue her in anyway gotta keep moving forward.
Inya Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 All the things I used to love and enjoy doing and looked forward to every day became so repellent. I'm a hiker. I walk. I used to walk at least 15 km every day, 30 km once a week. Now I'm sitting on my but or lying on the couch and watching the days go bye. I can't walk. I don't go out for days. I can't walk without him. 1
desertsession Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 Day one of NC and I'm already an absolute mess. I feel sick and can barely eat.
Earlybird2016 Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I feel like I'm the only one who, after a year and half of the break up, still feels like **** whenever I think about it. I think about him daily. It's hard, after 5 years with him. I miss him. I do miss him a lot when I think of the good times. Of the promises and words. All the experience made me regret everything: regret that I let someone in in my life. I was doing good before him, being distant from people and cold. Then he came as an illusion and I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be that I'm still the same person who can trust no one. It's sad. It's sad that I'm always going to be like this. Am I the only one who is still so upset about their break up after a year and a half? One year of NC. No, you're not. About 17 months for me. 15 months since I last contacted her and about two months since she last contacted me (I heard nothing for 5 months then she started to text me about 6 weeks or so). She's engaged to the guy she left me for. You're not on your own. Stick with it.
penelopeanne Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I have been feeling a bit better, especially since going off social media the last couple weeks but i went on last night and i creeped his pages, i saw a recent pic of him (he looks so different, not in a good way, that kind of helps), and i must say there is that ache in my chest again. and last night i had some vivid dreams about he and i running into each other (we havent been face to face since the break up a couple months ago, which ended through email)- and the dream made me feel uneasy this am. i am still in bed, trying to motivate. i can see how much this set me back and how i need to not go online like that and avoid him at all costs right now. i will go back to pretending he is dead. and i am off to run an errand or two to get myself out for a bit.
Gillys Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I dont know why but I always feel down the day after I hang out with mutual friends of my ex. We have a lot of mutual friends from our grad program. The friends are great people, they never mention my ex around me and I truly have a great time with them when we're able to meet up (which is only every few months or so) but boy do I feel down the following day. Its like I get a highlight reel of all the positive memories that I shared with my ex or I start imagining what our life we would be like if we had lasted..... Looks like a bumpy emotional week is in store for me
sorano Posted May 15, 2017 Posted May 15, 2017 I feel like I'm the only one who, after a year and half of the break up, still feels like **** whenever I think about it. I think about him daily. It's hard, after 5 years with him. I miss him. I do miss him a lot when I think of the good times. Of the promises and words. All the experience made me regret everything: regret that I let someone in in my life. I was doing good before him, being distant from people and cold. Then he came as an illusion and I thought I was happy, but it turned out to be that I'm still the same person who can trust no one. It's sad. It's sad that I'm always going to be like this. Am I the only one who is still so upset about their break up after a year and a half? One year of NC. your not alone 1
Inya Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 It is really about time I quit these incredibly healthy habits I developed in past 4,5 months. I forget to eat, sometimes I remember in the evening and somethimes i don't. It's amazing how little food one needs just to survive. And I save money...eh no, I spend it on weed. I smoke the second joint by 10 am, that's not so early considering I wake up at 4 am,but yeah...welcome to the junky world, not to mention I have a mild asthma...I don't excercise, don't walk, don't do anything, I don't even move much... Who am I ? My whole body is screaming for help. But do I really care.... don't know... 1
BryanSmiley Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I was busy over the weekend and trying to apply my mind to more positive things on the horizon, with some success. Come Mondays I work from home and whilst helpful to do new house related jobs, it’s quite isolating and provides a lot of time for thought. It doesn’t seem to have faded more than 5% over the past month – the fact that she’s almost the default topic to run around my mind. Because it was on my mind so much it seemed to creep into my dreams, I woke up at 6:45 from a vivid dream of her and unable to stop thinking about it, couldn’t get back to sleep so it kinda sets my day off badly. Then I’m driving to work anticipating possibly seeing her around (I do once a week or so). It’s an absolute nightmare literally, and remaining in NC which I have for 2+ months now still doesn’t seem right – as I don’t think she’d reach out even if she wanted to. I then beat myself up as to how hung up I am for what was only a 5 month thing on/off when she/others seem to seemingly move on so easily. It’s a vicious cycle I’ve never quite experience before which I can’t seem to get out of.
Jadedbyluv Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I don't even know if posting here helps. I've suffered through tough break ups before and have felt depression but this dark cloud over me just feels so overwhelming. It is affecting my work life because I'm so distracted and sad. I have been trying hard to stay busy and stay active; however, it isn't really working. There's just so much free time to sit and think. Replay things over in my head. Wonder if he ever thinks about me. Wonder if he is dating someone else. Wonder if he will ever reach out to me. Wonder why he hasn't reached out to me. So many things run through my mind. I try to stop. Try to think about something else but my mind always comes back to him. The littlest of things can trigger a memory. I think in the last 3 months, there have been maybe a handful of days when I haven't cried. I hate feeling this way. I want to go back to being happy. 1
Inya Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I think in the last 3 months, there have been maybe a handful of days when I haven't cried. I hate feeling this way. I want to go back to being happy. I'm still waiting for the first day that won't start with tears...from october. My eyes have their own will and they leek and leek. I can't even go to the grocery store without big sunglasses. I never used to cry, it seems like I'm crying over my whole life. How much longer...don't know...
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