How are you coping today?

[sorano]

sixx,

 

we did love deeply. Too much I think. I do not know if that is good or bad. I guess, we think its good at the time because we feel that the person we are seeing, will be the one. You are sky high in love. so you want to show that person you want to be there and will do whatever it takes to make them happy.

 

But like I said, its a combination of events that brought me down again. Lots of stuff. which in turn brought back the past. I just hve to get through this.

 

wedneday night I think I am going to go to one of my favorite spots. should be quiet there since its during the week. Have a few drinks. Go solo. Just pray when I get back.

[Chilli]

A couple of days ago, l had to give up on her, again.l think this must be 3 times in just a few mths.There's just no choice, no more options,all tried, all used up. It almost feels like a divorce all over again.

Went through all that , 3yrs alone yet met new women but just nothing there, nothing, maybe a life alone from there, it felt hopeless, until l met her.

She made me feel that maybe even my divorce, maybe even my whole life, had all happened, so that we could find each other.

Crazy things between us, we'd both never had before. Days after meeting it was as if it was some gift from the gods for us both after both going through so much before.

 

But on the other hand , there were also things, weird things , coming to the surface with her within a few wks.

l knew they were serious stuff,things, about her, another side of her. Temper, massive impatience , negativity. Yet full of such love,such passion, intensity, for days or weeks,yet with the tiniest of ripples all that would turn on a coin, in a heartbeat, and be suddenly spewing out the most vial things against us, against me.

Mean things, nasty , go for the throat things, twisting of everything,all the goods twisted into bads, no explaining,no way round it.

The sort of things most ordinary people would never even think of saying, or words they would never use, especially to someone they'd only just met and fallen in love with in this crazy beautiful passionate thing that was like a gift fro the above, like a second chance in life and after everything we'd both been through before .

 

This side of her showed up first within a few days after we met, some tiny thing, she turned and into some hateful vicious pit bull, spitting out crazy.Twisting everything we'd already built.

l knew it wasn't good, knew there were deep deep things with her from that day on.Dangerous things, things that could send her partner almost insane in time if it kept up.

But we'd get past it and the wild passion and crazy love would blow it all away.

Then we started splitting up the next time, that was usually me. Because l knew these things in her were just so so bad. Bad for anyone close to her where she let out what was like a beast. But for her love , her man, this was the sort of stuff that could destroy everything he was.

But again the love would return and it was as if nothing could've even happened , it must have been a dream. She'd never say sorry, or even acknoledge things she'd said and gone off about , l knew that wasn't good either, not good at all. But she'd start calling and writing and just be full of love and humor and sex , all over again. That side of her was irresistible, and sometimes l'd weaken too and but either way , we both knew that in just a few words , we could be back to us and all would be washed away. Back to our love and passion and intense selves and constant chitter chatter about anything and everything.

One thing about her and all that , she'd turn and fire and spew out crazy , but then she'd calm down and be the most loving , funny, sexual, chit chatty , beautiful person you could ever meet and that any man would be the luckiest man alive to have.

 

But , 15mths , trying all sorts of things and every angel , convo, way, it was always still there in her , just under the surface, no matter what or how much love - the tiniest spark and the other her would be back and suddenly the daggers and crazy and pit bull would be back.

Within 1 second , a heartbeat .

From love to the sharpest spears you ever come across.

Still happening , no matter how far l thought we'd come , no matter how many times l thought that was in the past, she was good now,her loving passionate self , this is who she really was , this was the women l kept fighting for , it was worth it , you see , she's ok now, hell she'd take a bullet for me, she even told me that.

No, so wrong , underneath the other her was still there , always , only seconds away .

It's just no good , it'll never go away, l think it'll get worse actually bc this was still really the honey moon period.

We hadn't even lived together full time yet. Only in 2 and 3wks spats.

What on earth could full time turn into , or a few yrs , l hate to think.

A few days ago , after another one , it had to end. again, but this time it has too. There can't be turning back or excuses or weakening , it has to be done and walked away from once and for all. No one should have to live with this crap and go crazy trying to deal with it and cope with it or fix it.

 

Such a shame, such a waste.l've had love twice in my life now , how lucky could l be.

And s l know the odds of having real love, crazy insane love , a 3rd time now, well it probably just isn't gonna happen. No onecould be that lucky.

But it's much much more.

Where could l ever find another person like her.

You never will ,they didn't make another one.

Her humor, yep, humor, her wit, her passion, her conversation, childlike curiosities, her looks, her body, her intensities .

So much waste,so much to walk away from, dreams out the window, all or plans, such a loss, just sad.

Feels like a divorce all over again.

But it feels like it has to be too , it feels like l have to save myself while l still can.. l have to except it

Edited May 1, 2017 by Chilli

[SixxChick]

I had no sleep last night. I kind of feel terrible at the moment. I just want to go somewhere and start fresh. A different place.

 

We must be on parallel paths because I got no sleep last night. That's okay. I've decided to not do Mondays anymore. Being self-employed, I kind of have that luxury. However, I don't make money while I am down. But it's a balance, and I'm okay with it.

 

I'd like to start fresh in a different place too. My business partner is pulling some crap right now that I SO do not need. I'm not worried because I am totally in the driver's seat with regard to this issue. But it's not what I need right now.

 

Keep moving forward. That's all I got. And here's to getting some much needed sleep. May we all have pleasant dreams.

Edited May 2, 2017 by SixxChick

[StrangerThanFiction]

I was flicking through FaceBook while bored today when I came across the People You May Know tab. I had to do a double take because right there at the top was my ex before my most recent one. Needless to say I was surprised because he had had me blocked since we were together so he could continue on his cheat fest with another woman for the last 2 years of our 7 year relationship. We haven't spoken for almost a year at this point and I had let go of all the pain and negativity he had left me with a long time ago so I thought what the hell and went to his page. There were some photos of him looking very happy with another woman. Not the one he cheated on me with and left me for, mind you.

 

Immediately my inner 2 year old wanted to scream and throw a tantrum of epic proportions about how it wasn't fair. How it wasn't fair that two men who had lied to me, cheated on me, and left me utterly heartbroken got to be so quickly happy in new relationships while I remained single. How it wasn't fair that it was so easy for them to find someone while it always takes me forever to find anyone I'm interested in romantically. For a moment I just wanted to give up and accept that I'm a 31 year old spinster and would always be so. Figured I should start picking out my starter kit of cats and deciding which 70's sofa patterns I should turn into my new wardrobe of mumus. I felt like I failed somehow because I'm still single while they're not, like it's some sort of competition.

 

Then grown up me stepped in and b*tch-slapped me back into reality. It doesn't matter what they're doing or who they're with. It has nothing to do with me, nor does it reflect failure on my part by not being in a relationship while they are. Their lives are completely unrelated to mine. Besides, I'd rather wait years to find someone I really click with and can have something real and meaningful with than jump into something because I'm lonely and settle. I'm not dead yet and up until I am there's always time to find the mythical "One".

 

So after some thought on it I decided that, yes, I'll be happy for both of my exes on finding new partners. I don't hate them and I bear them no ill will so why not. The only other option is to be bitter and angry about it and that's really not my style. I'm too lazy to carry that baggage any longer.

 

I'm not going to give up, either. I'm gonna do me and live my life the best I can and if someone comes along and wants to share it, then hey, bonus. If not, oh well, I'm going to do all the things I want to do and make sure I live a full life so when my ticket finally gets punched I'll have no regrets about paths untraveled.

 

So, to my exes, best of luck to you and your new relationships. Don't make the same mistakes that you did with me. Peace.

[Logo]

I read an article this evening, the topic isn't important, but one sentence stood out and I felt a sudden epiphany.

It reminded me of one problem that stood out early in my relationship with my ex.

 

As I was grieving the end of the relationship I forgot all about the little mole hills that popped up a few weeks into the relationship. I forgot how those mole hills later created mountains that were difficult to traverse, mountains that, to an outsider, would have made it clear that the relationship should end. But I was so deep in it that I forgot to think about it logically. I let my emotions and feelings and attachment lead me and clutter my thoughts and my view of what was happening.

 

And tonight when that epiphany suddenly hit me, and the inevitable conclusion sunk in, I felt a sense of relief.

 

I don't know why, but I had all this information before, although I somehow conveniently forgot it, unwittingly. Perhaps I wanted to hold onto the romantic and nostalgic notion that everything was fine and only later things deteriorated because of factors outside of our control, or because of some things that I did.

 

But that wasn't the case. Sooner or later, because of her personality, the way she is, the relationship would have reached the same conclusion no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried.

 

And that's just the way it is.

 

Sure, it was exciting and fun and amazing in the beginning and on many occasions even later on. But I have to accept that there are some things that I can't change because they are out of my control. I can't change her personality.

 

So I feel at peace with myself tonight. I feel that I need this time to reflect on my experience and learn from it so that I can be happy and feel content when the opportunity presents itself and I meet the right person.

[SixxChick]

For a moment I just wanted to give up and accept that I'm a 31 year old spinster and would always be so. Figured I should start picking out my starter kit of cats and deciding which 70's sofa patterns I should turn into my new wardrobe of mumus. I felt like I failed somehow because I'm still single while they're not, like it's some sort of competition.

 

Then grown up me stepped in and b*tch-slapped me back into reality.

 

LOL! You are awesome.

[Earlybird2016]

Emotional pain is not very different from physical pain. At first it overwhelms us and we feel it through every cell of our body. But over time it starts to ebb away, sinking deeper and deeper into that abyss of emotions. It drowns among the noise of other emotions. But it remains, under the surface.

 

 

Like a physical scar from an injury that healed, it stays there as a reminder of the pain we endured. And from time to time, if we smell the right scent, or hear a certain word or joke, or see a certain smile on a stranger's face, it rushes to the surface and overwhelms us to tears.

 

But as quickly as it surfaces, it retreats and sinks far into that dark abyss that we dare not explore, for if we do, it would remind us of that pain.

 

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I have to admit, I had tears running down my cheeks. A grown man.

 

But I feel better today, more mellow. I took things easy.

 

It's been a few months and it still hurts, some days more than others. But such is life.

 

So here I stand before you, trying to take it one step at a time, holding onto the hope that gives me strength.

 

And how do we deal with those little trigger moments if they're NOT random or occasional? What if they're there EVERY SECOND, 24/7 for nearly 16 months? How do we deal with the new things in life, the new experiences or songs that have NOTHING to do with the previous relationship, but are rendered hurtful and worthless because the person you want isn't there to share it?

[Chilli]

And how is it that l should never , ever listen to my most favorite song of all time again.

l could hardly bare listening to it when we we together , it was so her , so us, l'd tear up and have it on repeat, over and over ,sometimes for hours of a night when she couldn't be here.

 

But l can't now, just couldn't,ever. Thank God it's an old song and they rarely ever play it anymore so at least it won't come on while l'm driving or out somewhere.

[sorano]

Blasted back tonight. Im high on pre work and no2 booster.

 

I mean, I feel good, but I am still angry. This little set back just killed me. It feels like I lost. I didnt accomplish my goals that I wanted to. I am angry on how I was treated. I know we have to move on, but damn. I need a therapist lol. and I hate to say it, I took them in the past and it ruined my nervous system, but, even a small dose of an anti depressant just to give me a little start. Maybe for a few months. I am very very knowledgeable on these drugs due to massive amounts of research when I got sick from effexor. But I have a good doctor now. I may just do it.

[StrangerThanFiction]

LOL! You are awesome.

 

My coping mechanisms: sarcasm and hystrionic exaggeration. Are they healthy coping mechanisms? Probably not, but dammit they make me laugh at least lol.

[StrangerThanFiction]

So it's been a few days since my ex has been back and I think I'm going to let our friendship fade out. When we were chilling by the lake the other day he kept going on about how hard it's going to be to remain faithful to his new girlfriend while he's out here for the next six months. Seriously dude? Cheating is a conscious choice, you know exactly what you're doing the whole time. Your thang doesn't just fall into another chick's thang while you're not paying attention. If you can't control your zipper, maybe you shouldn't have a girlfriend.

 

Right on the heels of the 3rd time he brought it up, a couple of good looking women walked by and he sent the perv meter right off the charts. He was pretty much hanging out the window of his truck panting like a dog with asthma and making horrendously crude comments about their *ahem* assets. I was totally grossed out because this was a side of him I'd never seen before. All my guy friends seem to forget I'm a chick sometimes and they do and say stuff they normally wouldn't around a woman, no big deal, I find it hilarious...but damn, when it's someone you used to be intimate with and thought you were in love with its a whole new ballgame. All I could think was "so this is who you are when you're not wearing your I'm-a-good-boyfriend-really mask".

 

I feel confused and a bit angry right now as I try to differentiate between what aspects of his personality are his pretend good guy façade and what's actually who he really is. He's like a puzzle where some pieces are missing, others are from an entirely different puzzle, and you have no clue what the full picture is even actually supposed to be. At the end of the day, I don't think I care enough to even try and find out. So here's me flipping the table in a rage quit and saying screw it. Putting that puzzle together is another woman's problem now and more power to the poor soul. This particular puzzle is gross and slightly sticky anyway.

 

So, dear ex, I'm going to gracefully and gradually stage left out of your life over the next few weeks until it's like I was never even part of the cast for the play in the first place. Will you even notice? Most likely not, but that's okay. I've got my own show to put on instead of propping up yours.

[Chilli]

Not a nice few days.

Edited May 3, 2017 by Chilli

[DarrenB]

“Never be ashamed,’ he said. ‘Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle.’

‘How will I know which is which?’

‘By the taste. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one.”

 

― Paulo Coelho, Brida

[Blastoplast]

So I've been struggling a little bit over a relationship that only lasted 2 months. The relationship probably never should have happened, but this young woman impacted me more in the 2 months we were "official" than all 9 years of my previous 2 long-term relationships. Actually, my last break up that was with a 3 year relationship hurt less than this one. There was just something magnetic and empowering about this woman that deeply affected me and I have this feeling that we'll cross paths again when the time is right.

 

So I talked to my sister about her with a heavy heart, but my sister had the most inspiring and touching saying. She said there's this old Buddhist saying that goes "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." My heart still aches, but I'm SO hopeful and determined for the future!

[GeekLover]

Went to my first session with my new therapist today. I quite enjoyed her. She was attentive, sympathetic, and asked lots of questions, which was helpful for me to know what to talk about. I have SO much to say that I really wouldn't have known where to start.

 

I have homework:

 

1) If I could wave a magic wand and have the future I want, what would it look like?

 

2) Make a list of all the things that are important to me in a relationship. I was told to add, "Someone who is there for me when I need them the most" to the bottom, because THAT'S the one box he isn't checking right now.

 

3) Try to exercise (cardio) at least 5X/week because it's something I used to love doing before, and it will help break this depressive cycle (and it will help to boost my anxiety meds I'm already taking)

 

4) Think about what I want to talk about next session.

 

Looks like I have some things to think about. Maybe that will help keep my mind off him for awhile?

[sorano]

I needed to improve a few things in my life. Get better grounded. I guess by her coming into my life, it pushed me to become someone better. Yea, she used me, lied, all that good stuff, but, I think it was to push me. To excel and become a better person. The person I should be.

 

You were a bench warmer. You pushed me to become a better person so that I can be ready for the REAL PERSON THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ME. You were just preparing me for whats to come. Thank you for kick starting the great things that I am about to achieve.

 

I will never wish you well. I wouldn't even place you in the middle of the amazon because I would be insulting the animals. They act better than you. I value the gum that is stuck underneath my shoes more than you. I was jut another casualty. Another man you decided to use and throw away.

[Deadmeat]

I needed to improve a few things in my life. Get better grounded. I guess by her coming into my life, it pushed me to become someone better. Yea, she used me, lied, all that good stuff, but, I think it was to push me. To excel and become a better person. The person I should be.

 

You were a bench warmer. You pushed me to become a better person so that I can be ready for the REAL PERSON THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ME. You were just preparing me for whats to come. Thank you for kick starting the great things that I am about to achieve.

 

I will never wish you well. I wouldn't even place you in the middle of the amazon because I would be insulting the animals. They act better than you. I value the gum that is stuck underneath my shoes more than you. I was jut another casualty. Another man you decided to use and throw away.

 

Hey brother,

 

Ive been with you for some time now. You've also been there for me on occasion. Based on your posts, you and I are a lot alike. I'm also catholic. I also exercise and lift heavy weights to cope. I too consider myself a generallly good and kind hearted person.

 

I think you're headed in the right direction. Thsee people that come and go in our lives, they serve a purpose. They make us stronger. Make us cautious. Make us better. I'm glad you're seeing that now.

 

This hate you feel, I understand that. It feels good some times. It makes us feel like we have control. But it will devour you. It will prevent you from truly letting go. Believe me, I know. I felt that way a few months ago. I hated her for breaking my heart. But now, I'm thankful for the lesson.

 

I think you're close man. You're almost there. In the end you have to let her go completely, and that includes your hatred for what she's done. Process it man. Keep praying. Keep going to the gym. Go hang out with friends. And when you finally get to a point when you are indifferent, you may even find yourself wishing her happiness.

[johngalt1149]

30 years "poof!" Doesn't care. Not even a goodbye. Stole kids and friends. Went with a moron. I still cry daily. Panic attacks daily. I miss my 30 years, I miss my kids. I wonder what she's doing and why she did this. it just isn't rational. We could have talked it out, figured it out. Son hasn't left his room in almost 2 years, no school, no work..nothing and she doesn't force him to do anything. Want's to be his friend not a parent. Miserable parent, miserable wife. Hated to cook, I love to, hated to clean, hired a maid. New car yearly, I drove a 15 year old one. She was gorgeous though even though I wasn't allowed to touch her. As stupid as it sounds I miss it all. I miss her.

[Chilli]

l'm feeling it too , and l wonder what will become of me. Divorced, limbo, so much sadness, alone, feeling a bit better, meet people, nothing.

Until l met her. She pushed every button l have and then some , and mostly beautifully. Made me think everything had a reason.

But her bad side kept rearing it's head.

 

Was it my fault though, l let her down , 2 or 3 times, in a big way. She was meant to visit and l cancelled. She had her visa's, tickets, all packed, everything. My end was messed up and l cancelled. Twice and then l stalled another time.

She wanted to come within a few wks of meeting, l stalled. Eventually , 4mths later she came, and 3 more times, it was beautiful.

But when she wasn't here, kiking and messaging and skyping, we got into tangles, this made me hesitant, and l was still fixing my life too after the divorce, financially , tyring to buy a new place of my own, mentally, recover, and then she'd got mean real mean and l'd get more hesitant.

But she was willing to travel across the world for me, she wasn't hesitant , she was going for it. So on reflection, imagine how she felt, willing to do that for me and for us , yet l was hesitant.

 

Was that what got her so angry in spats , 14 mths of me stalling on and off , that'd sure piss me off , especially if l'd planned and packed and set everything up , twice.

Maybe that's why she was so easily pissed in the end, deeply rooted hurt feelings and offended. She always said l was wobbling , yet l had a gorgeous girl willing to come across the world for me , l must have sh@t for brains, and maybe she was right.

Maybe if l was as confident and as go for it as she was willing to be right through, maybe that stuff wouldn't have come out in her. And in many ways who could blame her.

 

But l'd just been through a divorce , l was still and still am rebuilding what's left of my life, such as it is , if you could even call it that right now. Who could blame me either, this is the thing.

Was l the one that actually blew it, when l've been blaming her. Yes she should have been more understanding of my sitch in this last few years , and understand that sometimes l just couldn't spare wks off or the money but at the same time , how lucky were we to have all we had , and how lucky was l to have her willing to do all that for me, even to move over here.

 

This is all confusing,wish l could talk to her about all this right now.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Chilli

[ML Hammer95]

Cried myself to sleep last night (until my flatmate set off the fire alarm at 4.30am). Injured myself playing 5 a side and felt unable to reach out to you when I was in pain. Was reminded how much you cared about me and how much I care about you. I know that you still care and it takes all my strength not to message saying 'I miss you'. Can't help thinking you feel like I pushed you away and it breaks my heart. I still think you'll reach out again.

 

My consolation is that by crying now hopefully will help me recover. And that I stayed strong and did not message you. One day at a time right now. I still love you.

[DarrenB]

“We don't always choose the best solution but we carry on regardless, trying to remain upright and decent in order to do honor our decisions;

"Not to the walls or the doors or the windows but to the empty space inside, the space where we worship and venerate what is dearest and most important to us.”

 

― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

[Logo]

I'm feeling overwhelmingly lonely tonight.

 

I can't stop thinking about my ex and the relationship we had. I dug too deep and went way back to the days when we started hitting some road bumps in the relationship.

 

Instead of the bond between us getting stronger, it got weaker which chipped away at the relationship.

 

I'll always wonder had I done things differently would the relationship have stood the test of time. Knowing what I know now, I honestly don't think it would have. But I guess I'll never know. I learned from the mistakes I made and wish I hadn't made them; that much is true. Regrets? Yes, I have a few.

 

At least I have these pages to pour my heart out. I miss us.

[ML Hammer95]

Been told to rest my foot, which is still extremely swollen, but I felt like I was going mad cooped up in my tiny uni flat. So decided to go for a walk around the local park... turned out to be more of a hobble. However, I got deep into my feels again and ended up walking around in tears. It is a year since we first told each other we love each other. In an argument a month ago, it was revealed she remembers this first time in a way that made it clear she still holds it close to her heart.

 

What didn't help was that 'our song' came on shuffle... Exchange by Bryson Tiller. Even that has a story behind it... I loved the song when it first came out and it made me think of her (we were getting close) but when I showed it to her she didn't like it. Fast forward a year and during the time I wasn't contacting her a message comes up. 'You showed me this song before and I didn't like it but me being me I now do. You'll probably hate me but it explains a lot'. It almost makes it harder when I can sense the feelings are still there.

 

No contact (again) for five days. I was so tempted to message her last night saying that I miss her but instead called my friend. The challenge will be when she gets in touch again. It's almost as if the one person I want to talk to is the one person I definitely shouldn't.

 

Feel like I've pushed her away and it breaks my heart.

[CM71]

Went to bed feeling ok but woke up sad as usual. Always having weird dreams about her. It's been one month since our twelve years went up in smoke. We are still in the same house but separated and she walks around like she doesn't have a care in the world. Thoughts of our past keep swirling in my mind.

[ML Hammer95]

I miss you.

I miss our good morning texts.

I miss our conversations before you started work.

I miss how you'd ask how my day was going.

I miss hearing about your day

I miss hearing you complain about the silly things and being there to reassure you.

I miss calling you sweetie or darling or bae.

I miss how you'd call me petal or dear or bae.

I miss your warmth and your kind, caring side.

I miss how we'd watch reality TV together and laugh.

I miss your head resting on my chest.

I miss running my hands through your hair as you cuddled next to me.

I miss your comfort when my family were arguing.

I miss your beautiful eyes and smile.

I miss the cute pictures you'd send to me of you and your dog.

I miss how, during our arguments, it was obvious that you cared.

I miss telling you how much I love you.

I miss hearing how you loved me too.

I miss you showing an interest in West Ham, even though you didn't like football, just to be closer to me.

I miss you recommending songs and films that said more than your words ever could.

I miss how you never wanted me to leave your side.

I miss the feeling of your hand in mine.

I miss falling asleep together.

I miss the times where we'd lie there quietly with each other, not needing words to express how we felt.

I miss your passion and your determination.

I miss the pictures you'd send of the food you were eating.

I miss how, on a night out, you'd text and send photos beforehand and then let me know you were safe home.

I miss how you'd want me to message you on a night out, even when I was happy to leave you to it.

I miss us teasing each other and hearing you laugh.

I miss feeling that you were my girl and I was your boy.

I miss the times we'd admit that we had each others hearts.

I miss how we couldn't go a day without hearing from each other.

I miss our goodnight texts when we weren't together.

I miss your ability to give me confidence when I was unsure of my own strength.

I miss how we'd always come back to each other after an argument.

I miss the thought you'd put into buying gifts for other people.

I miss having the security of knowing you were there.

I miss our deep conversations and learning more about what makes you.

I miss being the one you'd turn too.

I miss how you'd initiate contact with me when I wasn't around.

I miss how protective you were about me.

I miss holding you in my arms and thinking everything was okay with the world.

 

I needed to write this, to make sense of what is going on in my head. One day at a time.

Edited May 7, 2017 by ML Hammer95