How are you coping today?

[Logo]

To some degree, I was outgoing and confident some 2 months after the breakup. But a couple of weeks ago I noticed a woman at a bar who was almost watching my every move. I walked over and started talking to her. We spoke for a few and then she was ready to leave with her female friend. At that point I asked her for her number, and she told me off in a nasty way.

 

Ever since then, I've been avoiding even showing some women that I'm interested in them, even though I am. I was feeling vulnerable after the breakup as it was and then along came this nasty b**** and behaved as though I was the worst man on earth. She talked to me as if I was a little kid who was a pest. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. I felt humiliated, but I didn't stoop to her level.

 

Ever since then, I haven't been the same. I have avoided approaching some women for fear of getting humiliated. Maybe I shouldn't have given her so much power over me. She was just some stranger who for all I know is a piece of trash on the inside. Some women can be real nasty. But, still, it bothered me.

 

In the first two months after the breakup, I had hope that I would meet someone nice and decent, someone pleasant, but as more time passes, the less hopeful I feel.

 

The only thing I haven't tried so far is joining a group that shares my hobbies or a yoga or meditation class.

 

I have so much to offer a woman, but all I see around me lately are nasty women who can't be bothered with a conversation, not a single woman. Go figure.

[Cora]

Almost two years have gone by since you left me with no goodbye. For the most part the deep rooted pain I've felt has passed. I have twinges of sadness every now and then....especially when I have reminders of you....a certain song on the radio, the restaurant I pass on the way to work where we shared our first kiss and every New Year's Eve which I will now always associate with our second date. I still have flashes of you from time to time. More like memories of good times we shared that flash into my mind. Like the time we stayed up till 2 in the morning playing board games and laughing our butts off, the first time you cooked for me, staying up for hours talking about life and your time in the military, the way you'd kiss me so gently on the forehead before you left. It's amazing how you've been gone for longer than our relationship lasted. You've been with your now girlfriend a lot longer than we were together....yet I still think about you. I've dated on and off here and there, but nothing has even remotely come close to how I felt about you. I stupidly wonder if you ever think about me, but I know the answer. You're more in love now than you ever were with me so why would you have reason to think of me? I'm sure I'm long forgotten by now. I handled things badly when you left me and for that I am sorry. I regret it...I really do. I hope you know that. I was hurt and broken hearted that you did not tell me goodbye...that I had no closure. But you didn't owe me anything. You're a good man who just didn't share the same feelings for me. I hope you know I harbor no hard feelings toward you. I'm truly happy that you've found happiness with her. I watched you fall into a deep depression in the past and I'm just glad you are smiling again. I'm glad she was able to pull you out of your sadness. I could not help you...I wasn't enough. I just hope...I have to believe that someday I'll be enough for someone else. That I'll be able to make someone smile the way she makes you smile...

[magnesium]

 

The only thing I haven't tried so far is joining a group that shares my hobbies or a yoga or meditation class.

 

This sounds like a better idea than bars. You will meet people, make new friends, and that branches out to meeting their friends.

[DarrenB]

Very mature on how your handling it darren. Good man. I know it may sting a little. Your day will come.

 

Thanks Sorano, I hope so. I guess it's just the realism of it all; very abrupt. Hope you're doing well.

[Tressugar]

Thanks OP for creating this thread.

 

I'm an emotional basket case. I don't where to start. I'm totally withdrawn and low energy. From isolating myself from everyone to cancelling on my standing dates.

 

This weekend was one big epic fail. Everything I'd set out to do didn't come to fruition. Now I'm finding out my former co worker is on suicide watch.

 

Maybe I'm just hormonal hopefully it'll pass soon. I don't want to go back to therapy. It'll mean that I've failed myself.

[p87]

About five months since my BU, three months since I last talk to her. There are good days and there are bad ones, today is one of the bad ones that made me feel really bad. She already moved on, well she actually kinda did like two days after our BU, but here I am, stuck, don't know what to do. It's scary to think about the potential guys she might be dating, and it's hard for me since I lost all my confidence after she dump me. Although she didn't made it personal, it hurts a lot. I'm confused on how I should feel towards her. We both messed up, and I am just angry she decided to leave me. I loved her, but she'll let me down. I'm somewhat depressed and lost, but I bet she won't know. All she cared about is herself and being the nice person to "help me" move on by blocking me when I beg her back.

[Nogan]

A word set me off today. My ex was the most beautiful woman I've ever met and had, objectively, the best body of any girl I've been with. It just struck home, again, what I was losing. Hard.

 

It really really sucks. I don't have a difficult time attracting women, and I know I'll find someone I click with again, but the idea of finding someone as perfect as her again is just way too difficult to imagine right now.

[computersandsuch]

Not doing great. We didn't date for long, but it was intense. I have never had someone so into me. It had been over a year since I had been in a relationship. The sex was great. She is super sweet. She called it off a few weeks ago. We actually hung out for about eight hours last Saturday, then stupid me blew up her phone with numerous texts Sunday. I have texted her a few times since then. She replies, but it's not the same as before. I have gotten back on dating sites. I had someone give me her number last night, but I don't feel like texting her. I don't think I'm ready. I have lost a bunch of weight. I can barely eat. I can barely get up in the morning. I've stopped doing all the things I find fun.

Edited March 29, 2017 by computersandsuch

[Confushious]

I am 3 months gone today I left my boyfriend. I am much better than I was, but every time I get any contact from him I go backwards. We don't talk on the phone or see each other. It was never mutually agreed on to be that was it just is. I think it is a given when a relationship like ours ends after 8 years. I use to wonder what he was doing, I use to drive by the house( we bought together) just to see if he was home, I use to cry over sad dongs. Now I seem to getting on with it and tired of being so sad and depressed. It still hurts that he just let me leave without a fight, but I guess if he really loved me and wanted wha we had he would have fought for it. Im trying to keep buisy but in the back of my mind I know I am the one who walked out and now have to deal with giving everything up and live with my mother until I get financially back up on my feet. it suks I feel like I have to start all over again, and everything I worked for for the past 9 years just went up in smoke. I know I will be happier for it, just frustrated it had to come to this!

[Logo]

Whenever I'm having a tough day or I'm under a lot of pressure, or I'm feeling down on myself, I think of her. Being with her made me feel alive and complete. That was before she cheated, of course.

 

And after starting my day like that, today of all days, I had to go past an area where we used to hang out a lot. It brought back a lot of memories. Sadness flowed through every vein and artery of my body. I thought of the happiness I felt when we first met and were spending time together. I hadn't felt such happiness in years. I was on top of the world. But, "nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain".

I got home feeling like a bag of sand. I just wanted to collapse and sleep off the mental pain, but I couldn't. My thoughts were and still are racing, and I'm back to negotiating.

 

People around me can't take it anymore. One friend even told me that it usually takes about 4 months to recover after a breakup and was pushing me to let go and move on, criticizing me, "enough already!"

 

I don't know how to feel anymore.

 

I feel like going for a long aimless walk like Forrest Gump (He ran, I know), just keep going and going until I can't anymore.

 

 

I'm going to bed with these thoughts in my head. That's not a good way to rest one's head on a pillow at night and get some peace of mind. The pain......when will it go away?

Edited March 30, 2017 by Logo

[Howaheartbreaks]

I feel you guys on wondering about pain. It's gotten harder for me the longer I'm apart from them. I miss everything that we had, and my friends can't be there every second of the day when I'm having a breakdown. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment, he was my everything. And I say that from a very independent person, I was never dependent on him at all but now he's gone from my live I don't know how to function anymore. I don't have my person.

[Tanyasinclair]

I'm writing here because I'm awake at 4AM, I can't get back to sleep, and I just need a mild outlet somewhere. This seemed like the perfect thread to go to.

 

In a lot of ways, the last couple of weeks have been very interesting and amazing. I've had several powerful epiphanies that have changed my outlook, and I feel they have left me a better person. And I have the help and support of individuals on this board (one in particular, if you're reading this you know who you are).

 

But I'm still struggling at times. In a lot of ways, my poor outlook on life, my bad attitude, my inability to accept change, kinda goes back to how I was raised and in some areas, my Baptist-influenced upbringing. I guess the worst part is that every time I start to think that I've gotten past this, or that I've let that go, or that I'm gonna start being a changed person who is less judgy, who will forgive and forget, and stop dwelling upon or dredging up things that made me upset or where I feel I was wronged or some such.... it seems like I end up taking a few steps back, and I end up in a night like tonight where I'm moody, my thoughts are racing, and I can't sleep.

 

I also feel that Mom has become a better companion when it comes to talking and getting stuff off my chest, in some ways she has become a good friend, but I also feel like I can't talk to her about any of the stuff I mentioned above because EVERY time I try to tell her about my moodiness and other things, she will always tell me without fail that I'm in pre-menopause mode and what to expect because she's already been through menopause, just because menopause was a rough time for her and I think she's subconsciously looking for a "meno buddy".

 

At times I feel like going up to her and telling her to knock it off because there are a LOT of other problems in the world that affect people than menopause, (depression, anxiety, dietary problems, other issues) but she seems to insist on blaming all of the world's problems on menopause. Dad only did some of the stuff he did because he had entered male menopause, apparently. She did a lot of the stuff she did because of her menopause, apparently. Any time a woman anywhere starts having issues or doing nutty things, it's because she's in menopause and then everything will be okay again once she's past that. Nevermind the fact that some people are just fruitcakes to begin with.

 

And at the risk of sounding really over-analytical, I can't help but feel that....while my family unit is necessary to exist as it is, (I watch my autistic brother while our parents work because he can't care for himself), I still can't help but feel irritated by all of the personality differences in this household, even if for the most part, we do pretty much leave each other alone to do our own things.

 

I just don't appreciate some of the snide comments my mother makes on occasion when she's depressed about how she had an awesome family growing up and me and dad fail to compare or live up to what she once had. I feel like saying, "Mom, if we're so inadequate or you don't like us the way we are, then go BACK to VT, dig up Grandpa from his grave and resurrect him, cure Grandma's dementia and get her out of the assisted living place, unmarry your sisters from their spouses and get everybody back together in one place and then maybe you can go ahead and have that oh-so-awesome family you keep harping on how much you miss."

 

I know that's rather harsh and terrible, but sometimes, especially if I'm dealing with depression myself, I don't need someone else telling me whether directly or subtly that somehow I'm a failure in living up to their expectations, when I should only have to be myself and NOT have to be compared to the "awesomeness" of someone else.

 

I also just feel like something really struck me just the other night before I went to bed. Mom, Dad and I were simply sitting in the same room, and.... Even though nothing terrible happened or anything, I was struck by how one-track-minded each of us could be while individually being able to lose our own trains of thought and shift gears.

 

Mom was semi-obsessed with trying to look up a mystical creature she had learned of, wouldn't rest until she found it, and then she self-patted herself on the back by figuring out how to save a GIF of the creature to her computer and wanted everybody to stop what they were doing in order to witness her triumph and pat her on the back, to the point of interrupting what I was trying to say twice.

 

Meanwhile, on a similar line of one-track-mindedness, the only thing I really cared about was a game I've been playing and I was trying to make idle conversation for the sake of interaction and I was trying to make a small request or two, and in each case, even though I know they were paying attention and they did respond to me in the ways I needed, I also felt like i was being continuously interrupted by Mom and her own independent flow of looking at and commenting on whatever happened to catch her eye.... and she was getting annoyed at times whenever we didn't get as into what she was saying as she herself was, when I could easily say the same could be said for her, she's never all that interested in what anyone else is saying unless it's something she can delve into.

 

And meanwhile, Dad was more interested in just being mostly silent, looking for some kind of part for one of his gizmos online, and just looking like he was humoring us for the most part.

 

I still kinda suspect that all three of us might be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, and that we're individually one-track-minded enough to where we each have our likes, our interests, and a way that we each want those around us to respond to us, and we almost take it as a personal slap in the face when we say something, and the other person isn't all that interested.... while that other person is also more interested in talking about their own thing, and gets annoyed when the first person isn't that interested.

 

I also had a talk with my mother a couple days back about how she kinda realized that in some ways, she and dad have never really been a normal or ideal couple.... if anything, they've always been more like buddies with benefits.

 

And I'm just an individual who is trying to recover emotionally from a lot of things, and make sense of everything and figure out what my place is in the world. Right now, that place seems to be with my family, my crafts, my chores, and I get joy out of occasional outings. And generally, I do have something to look forward to that keeps me going.

 

I've lost many friends, but in some areas it seems like they needed losing because in a way, I was dragging them down and they were enabling me in ways they never should have in the first place. I actually found I started to get better once I ditched them, even if it was cold and tactless the way I did so and I said some things i can never take back.

 

For the most part, with a few rare exceptions, I find that many people just aren't worth it anyway. I think part of it is my fault because I spent a long time trying to pursue different individuals as if they're a delicious morsel or a great novel that I could access, try to crack open, and toss aside in favor of a different one if I couldn't get far or if it began to bore me. I'm just not really a good people person, and due to my friendly nature, people sometimes get hurt around me because they mistake me to be something I'm not (a warm, caring individual) just because I'm friendly and kinda approachable, when actually I'm rather cold and I prefer to be left alone and only poke my head out if it's my idea. (Then I've also had ways of complaining if it seems like the people I want most to pay attention to me aren't giving me attention, even if I'm the one avoiding them because I have this deluded fantasy where I want my current "dream guy" to chase after me.)

 

In the end.... I'm coping, I'm doing as okay as I can be, and I find this theraputic because at least I can fool myself into thinking that someone is reading it, cares, and understands. Maybe I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that that very special someone who will probably never even see this forum will somehow magically see this, and come to me and apologize, beg me to be back in his life.... something.

 

My apologies for the ramble and whatnot.

[JollyDays]

I'm kind of feeling depressed right now. I guess when you've been single as long as I have, it starts messing with your heart and soul. I miss companionship. Of course you don't care, so why do I? I feel so unattractive, so I don't bother approaching any women.

 

The beautiful thing that I've discovered about sleep is that it allows me to enter other worlds and my mind gets to relax. I hate waking up at this juncture of my life, nearing 40. Goodnight.

[BryanSmiley]

Not doing great. We didn't date for long, but it was intense. I have never had someone so into me. It had been over a year since I had been in a relationship. The sex was great. She is super sweet. She called it off a few weeks ago. We actually hung out for about eight hours last Saturday, then stupid me blew up her phone with numerous texts Sunday. I have texted her a few times since then. She replies, but it's not the same as before. I have gotten back on dating sites. I had someone give me her number last night, but I don't feel like texting her. I don't think I'm ready. I have lost a bunch of weight. I can barely eat. I can barely get up in the morning. I've stopped doing all the things I find fun.

 

I hear you dude, totally normal feelings. Don’t blame yourself for messaging her a lot. I keep changing my mind on what’s best in terms of NC and contact (I can’t avoid my ex at work). It’s not your fault. You’ll look upon it differently and with a wry smile in time, know that, tell yourself! My appetites been really affected, I was going to post something about that, surprised there’s not more on that as anxiety and stress can often cause loss of appetite. It’s quite incredible how a combination of factors can impact you mentally, physically, and fog up so many elements of your life. Know that you’re not alone and try to make small positive steps forwards each day. Do, watch, read, things that interest you, try to be around people a bit more. Don’t pressure yourself to date, maybe flirt a bit. But give it time.

[Logo]

I keep forgetting what a controlling narcissist she was at times. She thought she always knew what's best. She thought she was always right. And she held grudges for a long time. She was also manipulative and a pathological liar.

 

I dodged a bullet and should have left earlier than I did. Lesson learned.

[sorano]

without getting into detail, I will just summarize it. MIND = BLOWN. That was my day today. Not in a good way btw. End.

[PLT]

I'm getting there, but I wish I could shake the lingering anger and bitterness. 7 months out from BU and over a year since it all kicked off and it still haunts me. I'm coping much better day to day, but the intense feelings remain. I know this is due to how it ended. One day she was there, the next she was gone. No discussion, no explanation. After knowing each other for ~7 years and being in a RL for ~4 of those, I guess it's understandable. Also once the fog cleared post BU I came to realise quite how dishonest, manipulative and controlling she is. It wasn't really that long ago I thought she was the most amazing woman I had ever met, but then that illusion was shattered over the course of 2016. I still struggle with the difference in personality of who I thought she was, and who she really is.

 

I don't think about what she is up to much anymore. Those thoughts lead down a rabbit hole I try to avoid. My overriding thoughts about the RL are anger and betrayal. For most of my 45 years on Earth my philosophy has been to trust people until they show they are untrustworthy. That long held belief has now completely flipped. I don't trust ANYONE fully anymore. Not even myself.

 

But I'm ultimately a pragmatist. It is what it is. She is what she is. I can hold my head high knowing that at least I did everything in my power to make it work. She can not do the same.

[Tanyasinclair]

Once again today I am up at 4AM writing a post in this thread. >.> (Though it feels good and it is fairly theraputic.)

 

In a lot of ways I'm feeling much better than I did the last time I posted here, although I'm still annoyed with my current sleeping problems. It seems like even when I go to bed at a decent hour and manage to get relaxed and get into a good sleep mode, I keep waiting up early in the morning with my mind racing, unable to get back to sleep. It annoys me because usually, by the time I do manage to settle down and get BACK to sleep, it's almost too late to get any substantial sleep and it's nearly time to turn around and wake up again anyway....... and by that point since I'm relaxed and tired again it's ten times more difficult to get outta bed.

 

And once again, this is a subject I'm trying to avoid with my mother because she'll probably just go on another spiel about how I'm in pre-menopause. I'm honestly wondering if I should confront her on that if it bugs me so much, or let it slide. Only thing is, I am trying to teach myself to just let some things slide instead of getting heavily irritated or complaining about things, because all my life I've been a highly irritable person who expects the world around me to change and cater to me, when I should learn to be more tolerant and accept that everyone around me has their quirks and irritating qualities and I'm not gonna change everything about others that I don't like.

 

And who knows... you never know, I COULD be going through an early menopause, especially since some of the signs seem to be there and whatnot, (although that could just be coincidence or paranoia) I only know that my monthlies have become rarer and rarer and extremely light and short-lived each time I do have one, plus I have sometimes felt like I'm going insane. I went to a gynecologist last year where I had a uterine scan and all they told me was that my insides looked normal. So, I don't know if there is a test to see specifically if you have menopause or what, but I dunno.

 

Either way, I am very happy and pleased that I no longer seem to suffer intense depression as I was a couple of years back, and I think, as a friend suggested, it may be a sign that i only had situational depression (or it was triggered by specific things) because for the most part I seem able to function with almost no sign of it, as long as there is nothing absolutely horrendous making me feel like crud. I guess these days, I just get highly irritable.

 

I also can't help but wonder if in some ways, part of my metabolism might have "sped up" or "aged prematurely" due to intense, extreme, non-stop stress I endured for nearly a full decade. Thankfully the stress factors no longer seem present, and over the last few months I have been able to make more of an emotional recovery than ever before, but I still can't help but wonder if the non-stop stress left some kind of premenant marks or damage on my system, although again maybe that's just me being mildly paranoid.

 

I also still can't help but feel that even though so much has changed, and many things have gotten so much better, the old saying is still true, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

 

I'm also trying to do better about being self-sufficient and being happy with my own company, especially since I seem to operate best when I'm living like a reclusive housecat anyway. At the same time, I sometimes feel like my friends are intentionally ignoring me or shutting me out of things, even in cases where I know they are just really busy or, at worst, I'm the one who's being reclusive and acting like I don't want any attention or anyone to bother me.

 

I sometimes wonder if I've become a grumpy old woman in my young age. I've already had more than my fill of hardships in the world, I've had people screw me over (and I'll admit I'm guilty of doing the same) and at this rate, I have a feeling I'm gonna feel like I'm already ninety by the time I reach 40. At times, I already feel like I'm 50 or 60 at my current age.

 

There is also just so much I wish I could have done differently. But you can't turn back time, and all you can do is accept that hindsight is 20-20.

 

At least one thing I have to look forward to is that, hopefully, I'm gonna get to speak to a dear friend on the phone later today. And over the weekend I'm planning to, hopefully, hang out a bit with someone who I hope is gradually becoming a new friend. Those are things to look forward to, although I've also learned not to live and breathe with expectations as though these things will lead to ultimate happiness, because while human interaction should be cherished and enjoyed, I've also learned that if I place too much stock in such interactions, I launch into depression if the plans fall through or if the encounters are not as fun as I'd hoped or planned. You just gotta take things as they roll but mostly count on yourself and your own routine for happiness. I've really had to learn the hard way that, while it is okay to enjoy the company of others and to look forward to seeing someone, you can't live as if other people will complete you or like they're the key compenent that is missing from being perfectly happy.

 

In the end, I really wish I could stop being such an irritable, hypersensitive, judgemental individual. I also wish that some of my "childhood friends" could return and start being the same goofy, silly, bubbly people I used to know where the only things we cared about in the world was what was happening in some silly TV show. I honestly didn't know how good we actually had it back then, if those silly things were the biggest things we had to worry or complain about.

 

Anyway that's enough rambling for now. Either way, that felt good.

[StrangerThanFiction]

A few days ago a friend who has my ex on FB informed me that my ex had gotten into a relationship with someone a few days prior to that. I had had a feeling he had been with someone for quite some time and I had on some level accepted that, but having it confirmed felt like having my guts forcibly removed. I had believed that I was well on my way to being over this but finding this out completely floored me. My friend said he never would've told me if he knew how upsetting it was going to be, he had just thought we could laugh about it because apparently this new woman is a huge downgrade. His words, not mine. This did not make me feel better.

 

So to make matters worse, there I am, literally an hour after hearing this and still reeling from it, when my ex texts me. I haven't heard from him in weeks and there he is texting me a few days after he made his new RS official and me hearing about it an hour prior. The guy must seriously have his douche radar keyed to max or something. All I could think is that he's just dying to tell me about his new gf, you know, since we're friends and all. Because I'm an idiot and apparently take some sort of masochostic glee in doing things I know will probably end up hurting me, I responded. I could immediately tell that he was trying to steer the conversation towards me asking him about what's new in his life, but because I can be a bit of an ***hole sometimes and apparently do have a little bit of self preservational instincts I gave him no opportunity and eventually just stopped replying.

 

I figured that would be that. I would never hear from him again and good riddance. It was the final shoe to drop, the final nail in the coffin, and the last wall to go up. But oh hell no, not for this guy! The next afternoon he calls me. I almost dislocated my eyeballs by how hard I rolled them when I saw his name pop up on my caller ID, because after taking the previous night to pep talk myself into weary acceptance of this new development, I was in a place where I just didn't care anymore and was moving forward. However, as stated above, I'm also still an idiot and I appear to be a major sucker for punishment. So I answered, morbidly curious as to what he could possibly have to say to me now. We chatted about random BS and then he slips in the fact that he's sort've met someone and that he wanted to tell me before I found out through someone else (too late, bucko!). I played it cool and congratulated him all while wondering why he had felt he needed to inform me personally. I was rolling my eyes so hard throughout the entire conversation that I think I have permanent ocular nerve damage now. I busted him in a couple huge bold faced lies, which I didn't inform him of but will remember every time I start feeling a bit sentimental towards him in the future. Then he says that he'll call me later before he goes to bed. I laughed and said yeah right because in the past he's said that and then I don't hear from him for weeks. I honestly didn't believe he would, especially considering he's in an RS with someone else. Because who calls their ex before going to sleep while they're dating someone new, right?

 

Well, you guessed it, this guy! All I can say about that conversation is that it was a strangely disturbing one. I still don't know how to feel about it. It left me feeling gross but really reinforced some things about the type of person he really is. Some of the things he said to me were definitely not things that I, at least, feel are appropriate to be saying to someone when you're in a relationship. Afterwards, I just felt disgusted by him. I realized that if he could do this to her than its a guarantee he was doing this to me while we were together. And I have the sneaking suspicion that this woman is the one he was doing it with before we broke up. Ah the disgusting, messy mating habits of the wild Majorus Douchebaggus.

 

In conclusion, despite feeling destroyed at the time of finding out he was in a new RS, this was a good thing. It didn't set me back to square one and gave me a strange sort of closure on the matter, and I also obtained concrete proof that he's a total slime. I can fully see now why my friends and other people that knew him kept insisting that I had dodged a major bullet when we broke up. I'm still suffering from a bit of anxiety and a touch of sadness over the whole ordeal...but I've gotten over worse and at least now I know for sure that yes, I can do better. So, to my ex's new gf, he's your problem now and best of luck to you!

[Logo]

I feel like I am regressing, not progressing. And I have these new thoughts about the breakup that just popped in my head today and they bother me. They really do. I have just realized something, but I blame myself a little for the way things turned out. And it bothers me to no end. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I feel like contacting her and asking her to meet up just so I can walk away on good terms. Isn't that strange? Suddenly I feel some guilt, even though she was the one who cheated, I feel guilt.

[Tanyasinclair]

Day #3 of writing something here at 4AM. However, today is much, much better.

 

For one thing I'm not dealing with feelings of underlying anger or irritation, and I feel peaceful.

 

I had an excellent day yesterday of just gabbing with a couple of friends on the phone, and sometimes it seems like that's all I need, just to yap about a fandom with someone who actually cares about it and is interested.

 

I also feel like I've been getting more in touch with my youth in a way, and remembering more of the positive side of my early years rather than just painting everything in complete negative.

 

Being out of toxic relationships definitely helps, and in a way I also want to kick myself for somehow wanting to get back into those relationships because I miss something about those people despite the fact that I am better off without them....

 

Apparently, it really is possible to get addicted to specific individuals, and to feel like you're missing part of your soul without them.

[StrangerThanFiction]

Today started out alright. After finding out my ex was with someone new a couple days ago I decided that the worst was over and I can get on with licking the emotional wounds I procured from the knowledge and try my best to just get on with life. Apparently I'm not fated for an easy ride through this process because the same friend that told me about my ex having a new gf told me that my ex posted a picture of him and her together on FB. Cue another punch to my squishy parts. Doesn't sound like a big deal to most, I know, but it roundhouse kicked the smile right off of my face for the rest of the day. Why? Because not once in the entire time me and my ex were together did he even make the suggestion of taking a pic of us with each other let alone post anything about us on FB. I don't think he even had a pic of me in his phone at all. So yeah, that cut deep and brought a large part of my self esteem crashing down on my head.

 

My friend then goes on to tell me that this woman is definitely not attractive in the least and, that being of the same sex as my ex, he can confirm my ex has severely downgraded from me with her. As an added bonus she has a bushel of kids from different fathers. Looking back on it, I think him saying that was a bit harsh but at the time I was emotionally curled up in the fetal position trying to keep my freshly bandaged heart from breaking again. It amazes me how the stupidest, most seemingly small things can fling you back into pain you thought you'd left behind.

 

I know my friend thought that he was doing me a favour by telling me this and that he thinks I should feel good knowing that I'm better looking than the new gf...but it wasn't and I don't. All it did was hurt and make me wonder what she has that I don't. It made we question all over again why I wasn't good enough for him and why I've never seemed to be good enough for the men I've been with. I almost asked my friend to show me the picture but I stopped myself before I could make that colossal mistake. No good would come from it and I don't particularly want to see it popping up in my nightmares over and over again.

 

I think what's killing me is that my ex- who is a confirmed liar, cheater, con artist, criminal, and just general bad person- gets to find his version of love and be happy with someone while I'm still single and hurting. I'm not saying I'm a paragon of virtue by any means, but I try my damndest to be a good and worthy human being. Why does it get to be so easy for him while I'm left wondering if I'll ever find anyone who will love me? I feel pathetic and like there's something wrong with me.

 

I'm trying to find a positive out of all this, but I just can't right now.

[divegrl]

Today I ran 5 miles.

 

Today I did 10 handstands.

 

Today I ran into my ex.

 

He was like a ghost. I couldn't even tell if he was real. My stomach dropped, I couldn't speak. I'm thankful he was alone. I'm thankful I was dressed nicely and put together.

 

He looked pale with dark circles under his eyes. He was stoned and I couldn't tell if he had been drinking as well. His face was gruff; it looks like it had been a couple of days since he'd shaven. He was wearing his normal hoodie and cologne and jewelry. He said his normal greeting and I just looked into his eyes.

 

I just stared into his eyes. Most men will look down at some point, but he never does. And it felt like forever.

 

And now I'm a mess again emotionally.

 

I am choosing to let this go and find peace. I'm surrendering my thoughts and emotions and trusting that everything is as it should be.

 

Peace to you my friends.

[curiouslysearching]

A few days ago a friend who has my ex on FB informed me that my ex had gotten into a relationship with someone a few days prior to that. I had had a feeling he had been with someone for quite some time and I had on some level accepted that, but having it confirmed felt like having my guts forcibly removed. I had believed that I was well on my way to being over this but finding this out completely floored me. My friend said he never would've told me if he knew how upsetting it was going to be, he had just thought we could laugh about it because apparently this new woman is a huge downgrade. His words, not mine. This did not make me feel better.

 

So to make matters worse, there I am, literally an hour after hearing this and still reeling from it, when my ex texts me. I haven't heard from him in weeks and there he is texting me a few days after he made his new RS official and me hearing about it an hour prior. The guy must seriously have his douche radar keyed to max or something. All I could think is that he's just dying to tell me about his new gf, you know, since we're friends and all. Because I'm an idiot and apparently take some sort of masochostic glee in doing things I know will probably end up hurting me, I responded. I could immediately tell that he was trying to steer the conversation towards me asking him about what's new in his life, but because I can be a bit of an ***hole sometimes and apparently do have a little bit of self preservational instincts I gave him no opportunity and eventually just stopped replying.

 

I figured that would be that. I would never hear from him again and good riddance. It was the final shoe to drop, the final nail in the coffin, and the last wall to go up. But oh hell no, not for this guy! The next afternoon he calls me. I almost dislocated my eyeballs by how hard I rolled them when I saw his name pop up on my caller ID, because after taking the previous night to pep talk myself into weary acceptance of this new development, I was in a place where I just didn't care anymore and was moving forward. However, as stated above, I'm also still an idiot and I appear to be a major sucker for punishment. So I answered, morbidly curious as to what he could possibly have to say to me now. We chatted about random BS and then he slips in the fact that he's sort've met someone and that he wanted to tell me before I found out through someone else (too late, bucko!). I played it cool and congratulated him all while wondering why he had felt he needed to inform me personally. I was rolling my eyes so hard throughout the entire conversation that I think I have permanent ocular nerve damage now. I busted him in a couple huge bold faced lies, which I didn't inform him of but will remember every time I start feeling a bit sentimental towards him in the future. Then he says that he'll call me later before he goes to bed. I laughed and said yeah right because in the past he's said that and then I don't hear from him for weeks. I honestly didn't believe he would, especially considering he's in an RS with someone else. Because who calls their ex before going to sleep while they're dating someone new, right?

 

Well, you guessed it, this guy! All I can say about that conversation is that it was a strangely disturbing one. I still don't know how to feel about it. It left me feeling gross but really reinforced some things about the type of person he really is. Some of the things he said to me were definitely not things that I, at least, feel are appropriate to be saying to someone when you're in a relationship. Afterwards, I just felt disgusted by him. I realized that if he could do this to her than its a guarantee he was doing this to me while we were together. And I have the sneaking suspicion that this woman is the one he was doing it with before we broke up. Ah the disgusting, messy mating habits of the wild Majorus Douchebaggus.

 

In conclusion, despite feeling destroyed at the time of finding out he was in a new RS, this was a good thing. It didn't set me back to square one and gave me a strange sort of closure on the matter, and I also obtained concrete proof that he's a total slime. I can fully see now why my friends and other people that knew him kept insisting that I had dodged a major bullet when we broke up. I'm still suffering from a bit of anxiety and a touch of sadness over the whole ordeal...but I've gotten over worse and at least now I know for sure that yes, I can do better. So, to my ex's new gf, he's your problem now and best of luck to you!

 

 

STF, you do not need a dude like that for sure....this guy has TOOL written

all over his actions and words.....be glad you are done with him and do

pray for the woman he is with now

[curiouslysearching]

Today I ran 5 miles.

 

Today I did 10 handstands.

 

Today I ran into my ex.

 

He was like a ghost. I couldn't even tell if he was real. My stomach dropped, I couldn't speak. I'm thankful he was alone. I'm thankful I was dressed nicely and put together.

 

He looked pale with dark circles under his eyes. He was stoned and I couldn't tell if he had been drinking as well. His face was gruff; it looks like it had been a couple of days since he'd shaven. He was wearing his normal hoodie and cologne and jewelry. He said his normal greeting and I just looked into his eyes.

 

I just stared into his eyes. Most men will look down at some point, but he never does. And it felt like forever.

 

And now I'm a mess again emotionally.

 

I am choosing to let this go and find peace. I'm surrendering my thoughts and emotions and trusting that everything is as it should be.

 

Peace to you my friends.

 

CHOOSE TO BE DONE WITH IT.....emotions, etc...

he sounds like a train wreck