How are you coping today?

[HorseLuck]

Feeling triggered. Saw something that reminded me of him, and the fact I'm not where I want to be atm. Made me feel sick to my stomach and full of anxiety.

 

Head injury has delayed my ability to study and work out. Seems to have affected my memory and ability to focus. Wish it erased my memory of him instead. I jusy want to forget i ever met him so he isn't associated with what i want to do in the back of my brain all the time.

Edited January 6, 2017 by HorseLuck

[Wuku]

I feel like such a loser. How the hell did my life come to this, and how the hell do I even start picking up the pieces and rebooting my whole life at age 45? I feel like my life is already over. I keep hearing "You're still young!" Well I don't bloody feel it. I feel as though I have lived for 3 lifetimes already.

 

I feel Similarly to you. At 48 I feel I'm running out of time to find a lasting loving relationship. I'm not even ready for dating at the moment, and I'm not sure when or if I will be. At my age "dating" seems a bit of a joke anyway, and seems a young persons word to me. I am also told I'm still young, but as you say, I don't feel it at all. I have a number of other problems aside from my ex, and trying to get things back on track and get my life together is tough, and I'm failing to do so. All you can do is take one day at a time, and try to make improvements where you feel you can. I still think of my ex daily, but not with the same sadness or unhappiness I felt before, I'm moving forward, and intend to improve this year and leave her back in 2016.

[Logo]

I had such a miserable day at work I thought about throwing the towel and quitting. The more stress I feel, the more I miss her. She was my safe haven. She made it all go away. And without her I feel weak, like I don't have the love and the affection that used to give me an energy and confidence boost.

[Josh899]

I feel like **** on way home I saw my ex and immediately felt the depression hit me and wanting her back and all the what ifs came back into my mind and it pisses me off that I still feel this way about her

[PLT]

Not a bad day, though she still lingers in my mind much of the time. My biggest unanswered question is why would someone, who lets be honest, needs all the friends they can get, just throw away a long term friendship as well as a relationship?

 

I know her attitude is "Yeah I can just throw friends away and get new ones", as though she is buying this years in vogue toy. I've never seen her fight for any friends that walked away from her, or rather, who she pushed away. why am I surprised she has done the same to me? I suppose I thought that because we were very intimate (I dont mean just physically), that it would count for something. Clearly it doesn't.

 

Part of me hopes she finds getting my replacement more difficult than she thinks it will be. That she finds new friends difficult to come by. Her attitude is that it's easy. I suppose if that is what you have dpone all your life, put various masks on to lure people in, then maybe she does find it easy.

 

But does she not see that not being able to keep hold of any friends for any significant amount of time is because of what SHE does, not what everyone else does.

 

I just don't understand at all, and never will. I have to accept that she see's people very, very differently than me. To her, people are just a commodity, and you can just go and get another one the way you can go and buy another lightbulb. It sickens me that I put my all into her, and our relationship, when this is her attitude towards me, and everyone. Disposable. Expendable.

 

I really hope that sooner or later she wakes up and realizes I am neither. Everyone has their faults. No one is going to always message her when she wants to be messaged. Yep, this is one of the things she ragged on me about. I texted 2 hours later than was expected of me. Of course, she didnt tell me of these expectations. Only weeks later when I was trying to work out why she ignored me for the rest of that night did she say that it was because I texted her at 8pm, instead of 6pm...what the holy hell? How friggin old are you?? (43 for anyone that's guessing. Seriously. 43)

 

No one is ever going to live up to her ever increasing expectations, that the poor mug just has to know, because, well, he's a fully grown man and shouldn't need to be told these things. Yeah she actually said that too.

 

My mind boggles. This is the sort of **** we ended up breaking up over. Because I would point out how damn irrational her expectations were. She puts it down to "having high standards". I call it being a ****ing crazy bitch who is never happy.

 

I'm convinced she dumped me for someone else. She's made no contact for almost 3 months. She's not the type to be alone and have no one to walk over to make herself feel better about her shallow, loveless life. She had it. I loved her with everything I was for 4 years. She threw that away without explanation, or letting me explain. In fact, she would regularly call explanations "excuses". Just shows her mindset. Paranoid, even about the person who made her the 3rd most important person in his life (after my children). Everyone uses her in her opinion, when in fact SHE is the user. Everyone lies to her, when in fact SHE is the liar.

 

I hope she's already putting the pressure on the new one. Nothing he will do will ever be enough. I hope he doesn't do what I did and give her the benefit of the doubt countless times. I hope he cuts and runs at the first sign of her craziness. Even better, I hope he is like her and they have a complete train crash of a relationship, constantly trying to out do each other in the crazy stakes.

 

**** her. I hope she rots in hell.

[freebird31]

tbh, i have been a little depressed. Depressed because I am so busy. Too busy for time for myself. I have so many thigns to take care of. responsibilities, school, and work. I feel so exhausted. I know that this is the worst possible time in my life to be dating anyone. So maybe it was for the best that it didnt work out between me and that boy from work. But when I see him. Which I saw him a few days ago, and I was fine in the moment we said a quick hello to one another. But I realized how attracted I am to him again. It made me so angry. Because it made me question why did he lead me on? What made him change his mind? If anything, it should have been the other way around. I am the older one, yet I feel like I was the one that got rejected. I just have to try my best to not take it so personal, but it is so hard not to. I feel a little depressed lately because I have been working so hard in school and at work. I have minimal time for myself. I know all in all, it is for the best because I dont think I can make the time for someone else right now without sacrificing something else that is important in my life right now. I know next year, 1 year from now, will be a better probably the best time for me to date. Right now, I just have too much going on anyway. I dont even know if i will work at my current job (where that guy works) for that long.

 

I guess im just busy and stressed. It felt nice to have a little escape with someone else, for once. Going on that date was nice. It was better than nice. It was the most perfect date I have ever been on. And ill always wonder what I did to disinterest this guy. Because even after the date ended, we promised one another a ton of more dates. I feel so dumb every time I have to see him now. I feel embarassed that I had to confront him, that I was the one who seemed to have been more invested in the whole thing, and took it a little more seriously. Maybe it was our age. Me, being 24. And him only 20. I dont know. I just feel so mad to be honest. I dont even know what I am mad at. Mad at how things worked out. If any of this went down, I wish it had at least been me who didnt feel as interested FOR ONCE. just feels unfair honestly and I know I sound like a child right now. But it just seems like it is always me that gets rejected. Not that I have dated anyone really. I just wonder if he was really interested, or not. I feel so mad when I see him now. He always smiles at me, and I smile back at him. Maybe it will be better when I quit this job and never have to see him again. He really led me on. He told me he liked me, he said he liked my smile. He said that his heart beat fast and raced when he was around me. I jsut wish we could have gone on more dates at least, so i could at least KNOW we werent compatible. I cannont stand being left to wonder. I create so many dilusions in my mind. I think I a more mad and sad over the IDEA and who i THINK he is, rather than the real person. I hate wondering. this guy seriously SUCKS. I knew it was a bad idea from the start to date a guy who is 20. But i gave it a chance. And i wont ever do it again.

[Logo]

I don't feel ups and downs anymore. It's all one flat bleh. Just like a pebble, making its way down stream as the current pushes it slowly, rolling it and tossing it. I feel like I'm going through life, going through the motions, work eat and sleep. I don't have lows on the weekend or highs during the week anymore. It's all the same.

 

The world looks like it's black and white. I try to avoid people at work. I used to be outgoing. Now I don't have the will for small talk, even if just to socialize.

 

I can't focus. I'm restless. I feel sadness but I can't cry anymore. I've cried all my tears away in the first few weeks after the breakup, after she cheated, after the relationship ended and it was time to accept the inevitable.

 

I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't sleep. It's 2:45 and I have to be up in less than 4 hours.

 

Memories of our time together are fading away and becoming a blur. I sometimes catch myself thinking about something and saying to myself, "oh yeah. We used to do that." Or "that was one of our inside jokes."

 

It's good that I'm forgetting.

 

It's unfortunate that I need to take this time to heal because I'm not getting any younger and I still have a lot to accomplish. Time flies.

 

The meek shall not inherit the earth. The selfish narcissists will.

Edited January 9, 2017 by Logo

[Logo]

I feel lonely. It's not the same loneliness I used to feel sometimes. I feel like I'm alone on this planet and it's cold and bleak and there's no one to share my thoughts and feelings with.

 

I feel alone and empty. I think we had different expectations from the relationship. She tried in her own way I tried in y own way, but she thinks that toying with people's emotions is okay. She thinks that cheating is okay.

 

I couldn't do that to a person I hated. It would make me feel disgusted of myself. How could she go through with it? What kind of two-timing monster are you? Did you enjoy the attention? Were you that bored and shallow?

[StrangerThanFiction]

Today was a good day. I feel like I'm finally moving forward and making progress. I find this strange though because yesterday I was so hurt, angry and confused about everything after finding out he had been emotionally cheating on me while he was here, then physically cheating on me when he went home, then leaving me for this other chick. But then again, I suppose it really gave me the closure I needed. There are no more doubts about the type of person he is and I've come to see that I didn't lose anything when we broke up. Instead I dodged a nuclear warhead. It probably also helped that I made the decision that if he does ever contact me again I will not respond. I no longer want his friendship nor do I want him as a part of my life. This is liberating.

 

I can't say that I didn't think about him and felt a little sad when I did so, because I did, but it felt...muted? I think I'm starting to be able to see things somewhat objectively instead of seeing him through a lens of pain and loneliness. I see that the only reason I wanted to be "friends" was because I hoped that we would maybe have a chance at getting back together. I no longer find him worthy of this. Also, my self esteem has been on the rise. Every time I catch myself cutting myself down I stop and think of something positive instead. It's amazing what a difference this has made in such a short time! My friends have also been just fantastic. They've said such nice things about me and to me and I've been allowing myself to accept these things and believe them instead of just automatically discarding them as them just saying it to be nice.

 

I hope that this will last and isn't just a temporary high. I have hope now and today for the first time in months I felt joy.

[Sweetfish]

Beware everyone after the holidays is breadcrumb season

[MeadowFlower]

Beware everyone after the holidays is breadcrumb season

Lol this made me laugh

[PLT]

A little under 5 months out after a 4 year relationship + an extra 3 years of knowing each other before dating. The first 3 months or so were indescribable. I could think of nothing else.

 

Now, it still hurts. I still think about her a lot, but its not all-consuming. I am at least able to focus on other things. I'm nowhere near ready to date again, I guess I'm at that stage where you think...You know what, I put 7 years of my life into that person, and they just threw me away without a second thought. I'm not sure I want to risk going through that again. I did go on a few online dating sites not that long after we broke up, but I soon realized it was for all the wrong reasons, and deleted my profile after a few days.

 

I feel less lonely now, and am starting to enjoy the freedom that being single brings. The freedom of thought more than anything else. No longer do I have to run everything by someone else. If I want to do something, I just do it. No longer do I have to continually defend myself against false allegations. No longer do I have to keep justifying myself over the simplest things.

 

And yet, indifference seems so far away. I still miss her and the good times we shared immensely. I think I'm just coping with it better now. I still can't even bear to go through all the photos and put them away in a seperate folder, yet everytime I need to go to my pictures folder, I see one of my favourite photos I took of her. Just the way the folders are organised makes it stand out.

 

But I think I'm on the right path. The bottom line is that she betrayed and abandoned me. No matter how much I miss her, I could never fully trust her again. It is this that gets me through my weak moments.

 

I still go from anger to depression to bargaining and back to anger. I even have the odd bout of denial still, but that's mostly gone now I think. But mixed in with all these emotions is a looming, ever increasing acceptance that even if she contacted me wanting reconciliation, the fear of going through the last 14 months again would stop me from going down that road.

 

I sometimes wish for revenge. For her to come back, and to string her along for a few months before disappearing off the face of the earth and completely ignoring her, without warning, just like she did to me. But that's not me. I'm better than that. I do hope karma gets her though.

[sorano]

jazz noir

Gin and tonic

cigar

 

Haven't does this in a while. I was doing it during my break up to cope. Tonight I will.

[Logo]

jazz noir

Gin and tonic

cigar

 

Haven't does this in a while. I was doing it during my break up to cope. Tonight I will.

 

Spoiling ourselves, are we?

 

I'd join you.

[Wuku]

Why do I still think about her so much, it drives me nuts! Even though it's not the despair and pain I used to feel, neither is it because I still miss her and care about her (though I do), I just can't stop wondering about her! I can spend several hours a day having conversations with her in my head, and I think a lot of it has to do with things that I want to say to her now. Not that she would like to hear them, and I'm sure it would cause an argument, but I still feel I want to get them of my chest.

 

I know her hours of work, and that she usually chooses to walk home, which takes her roughly an hour. So quite often if I look up at the clock around 4-6pm, it will trigger my thinking "I wonder if she's left work yet" or "she must be getting home round about now". After all this time, why am I still thinking this way?!

 

It certainly doesn't help that I have to much time on my hands, with very little to do right now.

 

Maybe it's because of how it ended, one night out of the blue(though I can see the signs it was coming now)during a phone call. She didn't even use the words "it's over" or anything like that, she just said she needed time and space, and that was the last time we spoke. A handful of text messages were sent, but without her saying anything, it was clear what she wanted. I don't know if anyone else was involved, and I would like to know that for sure. Things I had said or done wrong years earlier in the relationship were cited as reasons for splitting up, even though we hadn't had any problems for over a year, it seems she never truly forgave me for the past. I still accept the guilt and responsibility for my mistakes totally, but now, with hindsight and having had conversations with plenty of other people, her mistakes and faults have been pointed out to me, and my own don't seem as bad as she made out. She always made mountains out of mole hills, her reactions over the top and sometimes childish. I wish I could tell her all of this, but I guess we don't always get what we want.

 

Whatever the reasons, it seems I'm addicted to thinking about her and going over and over different scenarios in my head. It's not as big or as painful a problem as it was, but it's still annoying!

[Logo]

I am drowning myself in music. My thoughts wander. My somber mood takes me into the depths of my inner thoughts. There is comfort in allowing myself to feel those feelings.

[Logo]

 

I know her hours of work, and that she usually chooses to walk home, which takes her roughly an hour. So quite often if I look up at the clock around 4-6pm, it will trigger my thinking "I wonder if she's left work yet" or "she must be getting home round about now". After all this time, why am I still thinking this way?!

 

 

 

I do that too. It's only natural.

 

Maybe it's because of how it ended, one night out of the blue(though I can see the signs it was coming now)during a phone call. She didn't even use the words "it's over" or anything like that, she just said she needed time and space, and that was the last time we spoke. A handful of text messages were sent, but without her saying anything, it was clear what she wanted. I don't know if anyone else was involved, and I would like to know that for sure. Things I had said or done wrong years earlier in the relationship were cited as reasons for splitting up, even though we hadn't had any problems for over a year, it seems she never truly forgave me for the past. I still accept the guilt and responsibility for my mistakes totally, but now, with hindsight and having had conversations with plenty of other people, her mistakes and faults have been pointed out to me, and my own don't seem as bad as she made out. She always made mountains out of mole hills, her reactions over the top and sometimes childish. I wish I could tell her all of this, but I guess we don't always get what we want.

 

 

Some people like to justify their actions by placing the blame on the other person. It's easier that way. It reduces the feelings of guilt and makes the other person feel like it all makes sense and is justified. But in the end, it's a bunch of BS.

Edited January 10, 2017 by Logo

[StrangerThanFiction]

Damn, I was afraid that yesterday was just a temporary high and that's what it turned out to be. Today I'm feeling really anxious and sad. I miss him and I find myself wishing he would call. I was so strong and positive yesterday and I just don't understand why I feel so weak and hopeless now today! I think that if he did contact me right now I would have a real struggle not responding. And stupidly, it's bothering me that he hasn't reached out again. I guess I want that petty satisfaction of being able to ignore him and show him how it feels not to be a priority. I knew that once he got me to do what he wanted I wouldn't hear from him again until the next time he needs something. I know this, but it still hurts having it confirmed. Although, he did say he was leaving the ball in my court, whatever he meant by that, and maybe he's waiting for me to contact him first. It doesn't matter. He didn't want me so I'm not going demean myself by chasing him. He doesn't deserve to be a part of my life.

 

I found myself wondering what (and who) he was doing over the weekend and it bothered me. It's none of my business, I know this, but I couldn't help it. I need to find something to do to occupy my mind so I don't drive myself crazy thinking things like that. It's over. It's done. He shouldn't be allowed to have any more of my time and energy. I just have to remember that the man I was in love with never actually existed. The man I was in love with was nothing but gold spray paint on a pile of dog sh*t.

 

Okay, I'm going to try to think positively about this. Yesterday was a really good day. This means that I have the ability to be happy without him and this small backtrack to sadness is nothing but a bump in the road and is not my future. Yesterday I felt strong, confident, and content with being single and not having him in my life. THAT is what I choose to be my normal. Not the whimpering, lonely creature I am right now. Like a kidney stone, this too shall pass.

[PLT]

Why do I still think about her so much, it drives me nuts! Even though it's not the despair and pain I used to feel, neither is it because I still miss her and care about her (though I do), I just can't stop wondering about her! I can spend several hours a day having conversations with her in my head, and I think a lot of it has to do with things that I want to say to her now. Not that she would like to hear them, and I'm sure it would cause an argument, but I still feel I want to get them of my chest.

 

I know her hours of work, and that she usually chooses to walk home, which takes her roughly an hour. So quite often if I look up at the clock around 4-6pm, it will trigger my thinking "I wonder if she's left work yet" or "she must be getting home round about now". After all this time, why am I still thinking this way?!

 

It certainly doesn't help that I have to much time on my hands, with very little to do right now.

 

Maybe it's because of how it ended, one night out of the blue(though I can see the signs it was coming now)during a phone call. She didn't even use the words "it's over" or anything like that, she just said she needed time and space, and that was the last time we spoke. A handful of text messages were sent, but without her saying anything, it was clear what she wanted. I don't know if anyone else was involved, and I would like to know that for sure. Things I had said or done wrong years earlier in the relationship were cited as reasons for splitting up, even though we hadn't had any problems for over a year, it seems she never truly forgave me for the past. I still accept the guilt and responsibility for my mistakes totally, but now, with hindsight and having had conversations with plenty of other people, her mistakes and faults have been pointed out to me, and my own don't seem as bad as she made out. She always made mountains out of mole hills, her reactions over the top and sometimes childish. I wish I could tell her all of this, but I guess we don't always get what we want.

 

Whatever the reasons, it seems I'm addicted to thinking about her and going over and over different scenarios in my head. It's not as big or as painful a problem as it was, but it's still annoying!

 

I think you are me! I could have written much of that, as I'm sure could a bunch of others.

Some people just don't want to take any responsibility I guess. Easier to just load it all onto the other person. I also got things brought up from years ago that I thought were long since resolved, as in, they hadn't even been mentioned for 3+ years. In her words "I don't ever need to resolve anything, I just walk away and go find a new boyfriend/friend." Bonkers way of approaching life and relationships in my view but not a lot I can do about it.

[venusishername]

I used to have my own thread in "Dating" but I closed it the other day, and I'm glad I did, although I do still need the support I received here on LS, and hope I can be of help to others.

 

 

I am now a month out of a long term LDR. It's still very painful. We were together for over a year, and I was very sure for a long time that one of us was going to close the distance. I came very close, he still talks about his "someday" plans to move here (we're in different states, across the country) but at the end of the day neither one of us wanted to close the distance, at least very urgently anyway. I stalled, he stalled.

 

 

I broke up with him in early December because I couldn't do the long distance anymore. And I don't regret my decision because I was incredibly lonely and felt like I was single, meanwhile he was content with the half-relationship and indefinite plans for the future. I felt he liked the relationship the way it was, I wanted to progress things. After dating over a year, and what I thought was very serious, talking about marriage, meeting each others' families, he asked me to move in with him, etc.... I did have hopes. But at the end of the day he accepted my decision and is moving on. He didn't try and convince me otherwise or ask what he could do to keep this. I think that he's been half-out for a little while also. He said a couple times during our relationship and after that he really didn't have a lot of time for a relationship anyway. That's why I think he liked the long distance... because it was on his terms.

 

We had been fighting a lot more the month or so before the breakup.

We left it on friendly terms, although very sad. It's very hard when you still love each other but you know it's no longer a good relationship, or a good 'match' for various reasons. I beat myself up a lot, thinking I gave up too easily... but then I was waiting around for over a year, meanwhile he's happy as can be with keeping the status quo and couldn't even commit to date or location if and when he would move here. I didn't move for various reasons, but he told me not to worry, that he would come here. I think I may have called his bluff. I think that it is possible that he will eventually move, but we wouldn't be dating by then because it would be a long time from now. I hurt him, I know. I did break his heart.

 

But we have been occasionally talking, lately he reaches out here and there like with a FB message, or funny little video, his usual. Last week he called a couple times, like he used to, on his way home from work. I didn't answer. I would sporadically respond, via text. I had sent him a thank you note last week for the gift he gave me on Christmas. We had a phone conversation last week. He likes to keep it light and pretend we are friends now. But I don't really feel that way too much. We can be friendly but I wouldn't say we're at a point that we are ok to be "Friends".

 

He asked me today, if I was seeing someone. Because I had said something like "I'm trying to work on being a better partner". I meant that I felt I wasn't a good partner in our relationship sometimes, and I wanted to improve on that, in general.... not that I'm seeing someone currently and wanting to be a better partner NOW. He volunteered the information that he's "seeing a life coach and therapist." I didn't know whether to take that as "Dating" or "seeing" like "seeing a therapist". Initially I took it as "seeing a therapist". But I think he means dating. I was so hurt that he volunteered that information so soon. I feel that was very immature. I wouldn't do that to him. I feel that maybe he was trying to push my buttons or make me feel jealous, or get a reaction out of me.

 

I always thought he had some female "friends" he never mentioned but I'd see him posting all over FB or I'd see his comments or photos with them in it. Really hurts me that he would be so thoughtless and well, immature to volunteer that information. Like, wow, we just spent over a year together and we talked about moving in together, getting married, and a month goes by and you've "been seeing" someone lately?? Maybe I misinterpreted, but you know, being long distance, it's entirely possible that one of his female friends I never heard about much was just in the wings the whole time. I know what it's like to want a shoulder to cry on. That happened to me before. I don't go seeking that out, seems like men in my life have tended to.

 

 

I do have a date this week. My first "date" since my breakup. By the way, I'd never tell my ex, voluntarily, like he did, that this is happening, or if I got involved with someone else. I'm nervous about it, but I'm excited to be actually going out with someone who lives in my same city and who I met only once before but we've been in communication every couple days since. I don't know how it's going to go since we are going to be one on one this time, but I am trying to be open, and not jump ahead or project or feel insecure or chase, or tolerate lukewarm interest like I used to do. I don't have a lot of expectations, really. It's just a positive light in my week.

 

In a weird way, I'm kind of am glad to see my ex behaving immaturely... it makes me more confident I made the right decision. Then I see the woman (on FB) that I think he might be referring to and I think, 'ah, they're a match made in heaven. Both flighty, eccentric and goofy. Not like me at all '

 

I think for the time being it's ok that we are friendly but I don't think it's a good idea that he keeps posting things on my FB and sending me little cutesy videos and hearts in messenger. I may have to tell him to lay off soon. I don't see that he's doing it in a vindictive or controlling way, but it doesn't seem right.

 

How am I coping today? Had a great run, tired myself out, made some hot chocolate, and am letting a hydrating dace mask soak in. Also, I find hope in looking forward to the future, and my first date again with a man who lives in my same city. Not putting all my stock in it, but it's just a nice thing to look forward to. Just to meet someone new, and, well, try and start over.

 

On that note, a piece of advice. Don't do long distance relationships! Unless you are ok with just being casual, you are dating more than one person, or if the time apart is limited and definite. Mine wasn't. It was indefinite with a lot of talk and no action. In hindsight, I wish I wouldn't have committed to only him at first, until I learned more about if we were compatible, which we aren't, in some very vital ways. In hindsight, I wished I wouldn't have agreed to be exclusive so soon, and kept my options open before my feelings got too entangled. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, knowing we were long distance, I had strong reservations, but I let it happen anyway. Even though I see now that was an action that resulted in the opposite of what I am looking for.

Lesson learned. Only accepting dates with men in my county who are under 40.

[sorano]

Spoiling ourselves, are we?

 

I'd join you.

 

More the merrier.

[No_Go]

Are you sure he's really 'seeing' (dating) this therapist? I'd find it a little too soon to share indeed...

 

My ex and I broke up technically in the beginning of October (although we have had some relapses afterwards before I moved out)... We're friendly but no where near to be friends (we're heck living together year +, and the plan was to be engaged this last Christmas ... of course before the break up happened).

 

... But I'll be honestly happy if he moves on. It will help me as well.

 

As of now: I'm nowhere near ready to even dream of a date with another man. I'll give it sanitary time as long as I can... So I can heal, make a game plan, do therapy, contact a coach, and then get back to the dating scene...

 

I hope it works for you with this new date. If you take it for face-value (it is just a date) - there is no harm. I think for you should be a little easier to move on since you never lived together etc. However - I'm sure it hurts a lot - it is all the crushed dreams and hopes. This hurts a lot even when deep inside you know it wasn't the right man for you.

 

Look forward to seeing more of your posts around LS!

 

I used to have my own thread in "Dating" but I closed it the other day, and I'm glad I did, although I do still need the support I received here on LS, and hope I can be of help to others.

 

 

I am now a month out of a long term LDR. It's still very painful. We were together for over a year, and I was very sure for a long time that one of us was going to close the distance. I came very close, he still talks about his "someday" plans to move here (we're in different states, across the country) but at the end of the day neither one of us wanted to close the distance, at least very urgently anyway. I stalled, he stalled.

 

 

I broke up with him in early December because I couldn't do the long distance anymore. And I don't regret my decision because I was incredibly lonely and felt like I was single, meanwhile he was content with the half-relationship and indefinite plans for the future. I felt he liked the relationship the way it was, I wanted to progress things. After dating over a year, and what I thought was very serious, talking about marriage, meeting each others' families, he asked me to move in with him, etc.... I did have hopes. But at the end of the day he accepted my decision and is moving on. He didn't try and convince me otherwise or ask what he could do to keep this. I think that he's been half-out for a little while also. He said a couple times during our relationship and after that he really didn't have a lot of time for a relationship anyway. That's why I think he liked the long distance... because it was on his terms.

 

We had been fighting a lot more the month or so before the breakup.

We left it on friendly terms, although very sad. It's very hard when you still love each other but you know it's no longer a good relationship, or a good 'match' for various reasons. I beat myself up a lot, thinking I gave up too easily... but then I was waiting around for over a year, meanwhile he's happy as can be with keeping the status quo and couldn't even commit to date or location if and when he would move here. I didn't move for various reasons, but he told me not to worry, that he would come here. I think I may have called his bluff. I think that it is possible that he will eventually move, but we wouldn't be dating by then because it would be a long time from now. I hurt him, I know. I did break his heart.

 

But we have been occasionally talking, lately he reaches out here and there like with a FB message, or funny little video, his usual. Last week he called a couple times, like he used to, on his way home from work. I didn't answer. I would sporadically respond, via text. I had sent him a thank you note last week for the gift he gave me on Christmas. We had a phone conversation last week. He likes to keep it light and pretend we are friends now. But I don't really feel that way too much. We can be friendly but I wouldn't say we're at a point that we are ok to be "Friends".

 

He asked me today, if I was seeing someone. Because I had said something like "I'm trying to work on being a better partner". I meant that I felt I wasn't a good partner in our relationship sometimes, and I wanted to improve on that, in general.... not that I'm seeing someone currently and wanting to be a better partner NOW. He volunteered the information that he's "seeing a life coach and therapist." I didn't know whether to take that as "Dating" or "seeing" like "seeing a therapist". Initially I took it as "seeing a therapist". But I think he means dating. I was so hurt that he volunteered that information so soon. I feel that was very immature. I wouldn't do that to him. I feel that maybe he was trying to push my buttons or make me feel jealous, or get a reaction out of me.

 

I always thought he had some female "friends" he never mentioned but I'd see him posting all over FB or I'd see his comments or photos with them in it. Really hurts me that he would be so thoughtless and well, immature to volunteer that information. Like, wow, we just spent over a year together and we talked about moving in together, getting married, and a month goes by and you've "been seeing" someone lately?? Maybe I misinterpreted, but you know, being long distance, it's entirely possible that one of his female friends I never heard about much was just in the wings the whole time. I know what it's like to want a shoulder to cry on. That happened to me before. I don't go seeking that out, seems like men in my life have tended to.

 

 

I do have a date this week. My first "date" since my breakup. By the way, I'd never tell my ex, voluntarily, like he did, that this is happening, or if I got involved with someone else. I'm nervous about it, but I'm excited to be actually going out with someone who lives in my same city and who I met only once before but we've been in communication every couple days since. I don't know how it's going to go since we are going to be one on one this time, but I am trying to be open, and not jump ahead or project or feel insecure or chase, or tolerate lukewarm interest like I used to do. I don't have a lot of expectations, really. It's just a positive light in my week.

 

In a weird way, I'm kind of am glad to see my ex behaving immaturely... it makes me more confident I made the right decision. Then I see the woman (on FB) that I think he might be referring to and I think, 'ah, they're a match made in heaven. Both flighty, eccentric and goofy. Not like me at all '

 

I think for the time being it's ok that we are friendly but I don't think it's a good idea that he keeps posting things on my FB and sending me little cutesy videos and hearts in messenger. I may have to tell him to lay off soon. I don't see that he's doing it in a vindictive or controlling way, but it doesn't seem right.

 

How am I coping today? Had a great run, tired myself out, made some hot chocolate, and am letting a hydrating dace mask soak in. Also, I find hope in looking forward to the future, and my first date again with a man who lives in my same city. Not putting all my stock in it, but it's just a nice thing to look forward to. Just to meet someone new, and, well, try and start over.

 

On that note, a piece of advice. Don't do long distance relationships! Unless you are ok with just being casual, you are dating more than one person, or if the time apart is limited and definite. Mine wasn't. It was indefinite with a lot of talk and no action. In hindsight, I wish I wouldn't have committed to only him at first, until I learned more about if we were compatible, which we aren't, in some very vital ways. In hindsight, I wished I wouldn't have agreed to be exclusive so soon, and kept my options open before my feelings got too entangled. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, knowing we were long distance, I had strong reservations, but I let it happen anyway. Even though I see now that was an action that resulted in the opposite of what I am looking for.

Lesson learned. Only accepting dates with men in my county who are under 40.

[sorano]

I just need the weather to warm up. Looking forward to my long weekend carp fishing trips. I can be on the water for days without the need to call someone, or asking when I am going to get back, are we still going out to eat. blah blah blah blah blah.

[StrangerThanFiction]

Today was a good day. I solved two problems that have been stressing me out for the last couple days, changed the battery in my truck, replaced my windshield wipers, and rocked a new recipe I've been wanting to try, and when I hopped on the scale I found out that I'm only a couple pounds away from my first weight loss goal of dropping 20lbs! Hot damn, it feels good to feel useful again and knowing that I'm looking pretty good doing it!

 

I didn't think of my ex as much as I did yesterday, didn't feel any significant sadness, and I feel that I've made a little more progress on my path to healing. I felt strong, capable, and just plain good about myself and life today. This is definitely one going up on the success side of things. Hopefully by the end of all this I'll have more of those than failures!

[Minneloa]

I had a rough weekend, being back here in the city and neighborhood where my ex also lives, and seeing his car. I felt sad and lonely, and was mourning the demise of our connection. I was also wondering if and when he might reach out to me again (I have not responded to his post-breakup attempts at contact).

 

But yesterday as I was preparing to leave work for the day, a little voice rose up in me and said quite clearly, "It doesn't matter." It surprised me, but it felt true. Not that he didn't matter, not that our dating relationship didn't matter, but that as of right now our time together is definitively over and therefore any emotional energy expended in that direction is, at best, misdirected.

 

Don't get me wrong, I promptly reverted to sadness and nostalgia in the evening, when I am most vulnerable to it. But it was a breakthrough, just discovering that there is a calm, rational part of me that is present and waiting to take over at any time, if I would only let her.