How are you coping today?

[VeveCakes]

I feel exactly the same way. I feel like one more conversation would help me find my closure, I've tried to find I within myself. I hope this feeling would go away if I kept up with NC but it just won't leave!

 

Keep at it. There is nothing he can say that will help with closure at this point. It is something you have to find for yourself.

 

Take care.

[xyz12345]

Today I had a set back. I went on his page and saw his new gf all over his page commenting on his posts.

 

He asks his mother how I am doing.

 

I'm doing ok, I know I'm better off. I guess like another poster here I miss ther familiarity and talking to him. I dont miss the verbal and emotional abuse.

 

I cant understand how he can just act like nothing happened.

 

Today was hard for me. And I feel bad for it, cause he isnt worth it.

[Kayley]

Keep at it. There is nothing he can say that will help with closure at this point. It is something you have to find for yourself.

 

Take care.

 

I know but it's just something I've not been able to shake from the beginning. It's there every single day in some form, though on the bad days it eats away at me. The other days it's just a passing thought that flits in & out of my head a few times but it's always there.

 

It just irritates me being on bad terms with someone for no real reason. I don't want to be friends, I just want the finality that this whole thing has lacked. My brain can't process the fact that right up until an hour before he left me, he was able to make me smile and now just like that he's gone and I'm supposed to never see or speak to him again. How does that work?

 

Today's the first proper bad day in a week, starting to feel a Monday pattern. Hoping that tomorrow is better.

[Introverted_Optimist]

Moving in is most certainly a process, and I'm learning to respect its form -peaks and valleys. I have begun to feel a the deep sense of sadness enveloping me again over the last few days. I'm about 90 days post BU and 60 no contact. I have been resolute through two waves of attempted contact by her. Not replying was painful and left me riddled with guilt. That says much about me -I know -as owe her nothing and have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. I think the new round of sadness is connected to the fact that it has been about 30 days since she last tried, and I am beginning to really understand and accept that finality. With that finality, she and I will both move on completely and separately.

 

At first I was angry and frustrated with myself for regressing. How can I possibly still be so sad over a woman I was only connected to for four months, three months later? Additionally, for the better part of time we were together, I was being strung along at that.

 

I'm now understanding that I need to allow the feelings to come and go. I need to acknowledge them at the surface level, first. If that means anger or tears, let either flow. The really important part, though, is to then engage in some introspection, as experiencing such profound and intense feelings this far down the road really speaks to something inside me that needs to be understood and reconciled.

 

There is no logic, convoluted or otherwise, which would culminate in a healthy, fulfilling relationship with my ex. I know this. Yet, the fact that I am allowing her still to exercise power of me by consuming my thoughts and defining my value, means I need to do resolve that within me that prevents my moving on knowing that I am better for our parting. I need to understand my own being a bit better while, in parallel, start understanding and defining an equally bright future that includes me alone or a true partner that I will some day be prepared to welcome fully.

 

While this may appear a soliloquy, I very much welcome and value the wise counsel of the LS community. I need to release this woman, with forgiveness, so that I can move on.

[Deadmeat]

Moving in is most certainly a process, and I'm learning to respect its form -peaks and valleys. I have begun to feel a the deep sense of sadness enveloping me again over the last few days. I'm about 90 days post BU and 60 no contact. I have been resolute through two waves of attempted contact by her. Not replying was painful and left me riddled with guilt. That says much about me -I know -as owe her nothing and have absolutely no reason to feel guilt. I think the new round of sadness is connected to the fact that it has been about 30 days since she last tried, and I am beginning to really understand and accept that finality. With that finality, she and I will both move on completely and separately.

 

At first I was angry and frustrated with myself for regressing. How can I possibly still be so sad over a woman I was only connected to for four months, three months later? Additionally, for the better part of time we were together, I was being strung along at that.

 

I'm now understanding that I need to allow the feelings to come and go. I need to acknowledge them at the surface level, first. If that means anger or tears, let either flow. The really important part, though, is to then engage in some introspection, as experiencing such profound and intense feelings this far down the road really speaks to something inside me that needs to be understood and reconciled.

 

There is no logic, convoluted or otherwise, which would culminate in a healthy, fulfilling relationship with my ex. I know this. Yet, the fact that I am allowing her still to exercise power of me by consuming my thoughts and defining my value, means I need to do resolve that within me that prevents my moving on knowing that I am better for our parting. I need to understand my own being a bit better while, in parallel, start understanding and defining an equally bright future that includes me alone or a true partner that I will some day be prepared to welcome fully.

 

While this may appear a soliloquy, I very much welcome and value the wise counsel of the LS community. I need to release this woman, with forgiveness, so that I can move on.

 

"Release this woman with forgiveness"

 

Let me know when you find out how to do this. Thanks.

[Logo]

Today was bad. Just ***ty.

 

I went on a date a few days ago.

 

The date went well, I had high expectations. I was nervous and anxious before the date. I got all dressed up, nice and ready, groomed myself nicely......I went from excitement before the date to the opposite after the date. I think I was expecting to have the same experience as I did with my ex when things got intense from the first date.

 

I know about the difference between passionate love and companionate love.

 

Anyway, after this date. I felt a sense of emptiness and confusion, mostly because of what she said and the way we parted. It was very casual. For all I know, this could turn into a very successful relationship.

 

Anyway, after the date, I immediately started longing and yearning to be with my ex. The next day, details of our last few months, as if they were fresh memories started creeping up on me.

 

The next day, there were more.

 

Today there were more and I'm remembering more and more details, going back to our first few weeks together to all kinds of memories during the relationship. And suddenly they are vivid, detailed.

 

What was almost becoming a fog of memories in the last couple of weeks, has suddenly become vivid and detailed.

 

I feel despair. I had expectations for that date. And it left me a mess. I don't even know if I should or shouldn't go on a second date. I'm that confused. I like her, but I see some red flags.

 

My ex's cheating on me, left me either paranoid or made it easier for me to spot the bull****.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to get myself into a messy relationship, but I don't want to miss out on a good one.

[Logo]

"Release this woman with forgiveness"

 

Let me know when you find out how to do this. Thanks.

 

 

Me, too.

 

I love what she was, but I can't stand what she's become. Who is that person?

 

Some days I pretend as if she didn't cheat and focus on the good memories. Other days, it tears me up inside thinking about how she was with someone else.

 

And another one bites the dust

Oh why can I not conquer love?

And I might have thought that we were one

Wanted to fight this war without weapons

 

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad

But there were so many red flags

Now another one bites the dust

Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one

 

You did not break me

I'm still fighting for peace

 

~ Sia

[DarrenB]

I think I'm really just starting to embrace my inner calamity.

 

I can accept that I have failed in past relationships, therefore it is now a guardian to help me avoid the same mishaps in future.

 

It is that time of year again... bah hambug, if you will.

[DarrenB]

Me, too.

 

I love what she was, but I can't stand what she's become. Who is that person?

 

Some days I pretend as if she didn't cheat and focus on the good memories. Other days, it tears me up inside thinking about how she was with someone else.

 

And another one bites the dust

Oh why can I not conquer love?

And I might have thought that we were one

Wanted to fight this war without weapons

 

And I wanted it, I wanted it bad

But there were so many red flags

Now another one bites the dust

Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one

 

You did not break me

I'm still fighting for peace

 

~ Sia

 

Good song choice

[Kayley]

What a horrible day this has been!

 

Days like today make me realise that I actually have made progress but it doesn't actually help cause god...I'm in so much pain today it's as if it's only begun again!

[Wontbefooledagain]

I think many of us feel the same as you. I tend to focus on the questions about why he is or isn't doing certain things, did he ever care about me--the BIG one-why he can so easily leave and never look back. But really the question is: what is it in me that can't let go. Healthy people would have never have let it get to this point and would have shrugged their shoulders and said "Next." I have come to realize that it is never really about them but always about us. We need to tend our own garden and not worry about theirs.

 

Keep posting--you are a great writer and I am sure a lot of people see themselves in you.

[bruindds]

Today was bad. Just ***ty.

 

I went on a date a few days ago.

 

The date went well, I had high expectations. I was nervous and anxious before the date. I got all dressed up, nice and ready, groomed myself nicely......I went from excitement before the date to the opposite after the date. I think I was expecting to have the same experience as I did with my ex when things got intense from the first date.

 

I know about the difference between passionate love and companionate love.

 

Anyway, after this date. I felt a sense of emptiness and confusion, mostly because of what she said and the way we parted. It was very casual. For all I know, this could turn into a very successful relationship.

 

Anyway, after the date, I immediately started longing and yearning to be with my ex. The next day, details of our last few months, as if they were fresh memories started creeping up on me.

 

The next day, there were more.

 

Today there were more and I'm remembering more and more details, going back to our first few weeks together to all kinds of memories during the relationship. And suddenly they are vivid, detailed.

 

What was almost becoming a fog of memories in the last couple of weeks, has suddenly become vivid and detailed.

 

I feel despair. I had expectations for that date. And it left me a mess. I don't even know if I should or shouldn't go on a second date. I'm that confused. I like her, but I see some red flags.

 

My ex's cheating on me, left me either paranoid or made it easier for me to spot the bull****.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to get myself into a messy relationship, but I don't want to miss out on a good one.

 

I have just had a similar experience- went on a date and had a really good time with someone I really like. Afterward I felt so conflicted and just kind of yucky. Still wrestling with this casual dating thing after such an intense relationship.

[StrangerThanFiction]

I really thought we had a future together. You did too at one point apparently. Then you went back to your hometown and realized that you're not over the mother of your child that you broke up with 4 years ago because you walked in on her cheating with another man. I can guarantee you that wasn't a one time occurrence either. You used to talk about how you guys never had a fight in your 7 year RS. Well, judging by her actions I can safely say it's because she didn't care enough about the RS to actually tell you things. Or maybe she liked the fact that she didn't have to work because you brought in the money so why rock that gravy train. Do you realize how totally hurtful it was for me to have to hear about this woman that you were with 4 years ago on a regular basis?? I get that you have a kid together, but that doesn't mean you have to bring her up every day to your current girlfriend, who was me.

 

I know that I told you yesterday when I ended things when I realized you had no intention of having a future with me that I wasn't angry and that I didn't hate you. Well, I am angry and I do hate you a little right now. You told me you loved me, I fell in love with you, you made all these plans for our future, I bought into them, then you took my heart, spit on it, and threw it in the trash.

 

You said that you never got closure from her. Newsflash, buck, she cheated on you. Obviously she wasn't happy with you anymore. End of story. There's your GD closure. You will never get closure from her, no matter what she says, it will never be enough. You have to make your own closure. It's because YOU refused to let go and move on with your life that you don't have "closure". I think what you want is validation from her. Grow a pair. It's been 4 GD years.

 

I'm still trying to figure out why you put her and the RS you had on this unreachable pedestal. Every girl after her including me never measure up to the shadow of her memory and what you guys had. Maybe you should sit down and really think about and realize that this image you have in your head of what your RS was like is a complete fabrication of your mind due to time passed and hurt ego. I remember when we first started talking when we were just friends, you told me a lot of how the RS wasn't that great near the end. So why oh why do you think it is now?? Is it because you see her on a regular basis now when you go and pick up your son and it brought it all back? Well, maybe you should have dealt with all that before you ran away to another province and led me on and broke my GD heart you coward.

 

I wish when we broke up the first time we would've stayed broken up instead of dragging this travesty on for another 3 months. I should've stuck to my motto of "one BU is the last BU".

 

My ex before you did so much worse to me over our 7 year RS than just merely cheat on me and we've been broken up for half the time you and her have. And you know what? When I think about him and all the things he did to me I feel absolutely nothing. Why? Because I did the work to move on with my life and not hold onto something from my past that used to hurt me.

 

God I'm so stupid! I saw the warning signs and red flags staring me right in the eye but I brushed them away because I thought you were different. Nope, I just played my usual role of bandaid for yet another man who had a hole in him left by another woman. I should get a plaque for my wall saying "official bandaid, space saver, and time filler until something better comes along or you can get your ex back". If I had charged a service fee for every guy I did this for I'd be sleeping on a king sized bed made of $1000 bills.

 

Also, how dare you say you want to be friends. Take your friendship I stuff it up your ***

[Blastoplast]

So it's been nearly 3 months, and I feel pretty good. When I do think about my EX, I can't help but feel an enormous amount of resentment... That even with closure I can't help but feel she just got up and ran away rather than discussing any problems we might have had, that I don't have my best friend to confide in anymore, that I won't be able to see your family and you won't be able to see mine anymore, that AGAIN I felt like I was more of a giver in the relationship and you were a taker.

 

It gave me a realization that TWICE now I've been in LTRs where I gave so much and didn't give enough in return. And not that I EXPECT anything in return, but I'm blind to it sometimes because I love my partner so much. How could I have been so naive? It's a fundamental flaw, yet strength to my personality that I could be so selfless. Even with her issues I feel like I'll never find somebody as special as her, she really was the best friend I've ever had.

 

Anyways, I've been seeing this young woman (nearly 10 years younger than me) for about 1 month now as a FWB and it's been going well. It's helped take my mind of things, and we're both clear that neither of us are looking for anything serious. The companionship is nice and the sex is mind-blowing (it's really made me realize how BAD my ex was in bed).

 

At the end of the day, I know there's life after a break-up, that things can only get better, that there are a hell of a lot of other eligible women out there without any serious baggage, that I am confident in myself and my own skin.

[Deadmeat]

Some times I wish I would just find out that she was dating some one else.

 

I remember my last girlfriend before this one. It wasn't as serious but I still grieved it. After some time, I found out she was dating some one else and I felt relieved. I cried one last time and told myself that that was enough.

 

I can't seem to get over that last hump. I don't even cry anymore. I just feel numb. I checked her social media today and didn't feel anything. Like, "oh, there she is". I feel like she is slowly coming down from the pedestal. And yet, I'm still stuck on the last step.

 

Sigh, what to do, what to do.

[Kayley]

This week feels like 20 steps backwards...today especially, I've cried twice. I don't mean got teary, I mean real, proper heartbreaking cries. I haven't done that in a couple of weeks and I don't know why it came today.

 

Huge urges to reach out, today is the closest I've come to sending him a text.

 

I feel right now like I felt a week after the break up.

[StrangerThanFiction]

Not doing very well today. It's day 2 after BU and all I want is for it to be the day where it stops hurting and I no longer count the days. Right now I'm bouncing back and forth between pain and rage. I miss him and I can't stop wondering what he's doing, who he's with, and if he misses me and thinks about me at all. I know it doesn't matter anymore, but I can't seem to stop myself right now. Then I start thinking about how he led me on and made me believe he loved me and wanted to marry me someday all while he knew he wasn't over his ex of 4 years ago and the mother of his child. I get so mad and upset thinking that he's hung up on some skank that he walked in on doing another guy while here I was totally faithful and willing to move across the country just to be with him. This chick had obviously been cheating on him for awhile and I'm pretty sure she wanted him to catch them because she just didn't care enough to actually dump him. But somehow he has it in his head that their relationship was amazing and magical. Right. Well, have fun with that. Guess now he can focus on sitting there hoping that she breaks up with the guy she's been with and lives with for the last 3 years and will fall back into his arms.

 

Whatever. This anger and pain will pass, I just need some time to let go of it. I wish their was a time limit on this crap.

[TooRational]

Been 5 months since I pulled away to NC now. NC was broken off 2 weeks ago when I met my ex while skiing. She was with a guy, not sure if they're dating or not. Anyway, enough about the backstory.

 

I have ups and downs coping with the loss. I can't help but reminisce about the highlights of our relationship and I crave those highs. Those highs were so refreshing, especially after the long agony of the last years of my marriage. This makes the loss especially difficult.

 

It's difficult to accept that she is probably very happy right now without me and most likely back into another relationship. I kinda wish she had contacted me a few days after we met but she didn't. It's probably better for me in the end.

 

I've become attracted to another girl I met recently. I'm scared. I'm not sure whether I'm ready to get back into dating or not. I find myself obsessing over her and I'm not sure whether this is healthy/normal or not at all. I'm afraid she'll be distant like my ex and I'll get hurt again.

 

But I'm putting the cart before the horse. First step is to actually seduce her. I have another skiing day in the works with her but I'm not sure how to turn this into a date. I want to avoid the friend zone. Any tips?

[AT15]

I went to therapy today for the first time in about a year. Of course, I told her our backstory. She immediately diagnosed you as border line. Which made me feel a bit relieved. Because my fear was/is that you would give someone else everything you couldn't give me. And, I know that's selfish. But, I really wanted us to make it. I wanted us to beat the odds. and, you might be doing that with someone else. I have to make my peace with that. We had our chance, you bailed early, and I have to respect that. You wanted out. You just did.

 

The heart tells the story, not the head. But, I still love you. I know, you e moved on. I don't look you up at all, and I never will. I'm letting it go. One day, one step. I know you've moved on and are happy. One day, I will find the one too. And that will be a great day.

[Logo]

I gained 15 pounds since the breakup. I haven't been going to the gym or even walking much.

 

I sit most of the time and that's not good.

[MrPlop]

I had a really rough day of self reflection. For the first time in a long while I realized I'm alone. My friends are either married with kids or in long term relationships. There was someone I was talking to but I found out she is also in a long term. I feel unwanted, lonely and ugly inside and outside, and above all, scared. Part of me feels accomplished of being independent and having everything going for me, that I should NOT need or want anyone else in my life, but I think I also yearn for companionship, for someone to grow with. I should be focusing on personal gains and being selfish only, think of myself only, yet I can't shake this feeling off. I don't understand.

[sorano]

I just got back from the gym and was talking to a buddy of mine. Like me, he is a gentleman and also went above and beyond to his girl friend. we gave and gave. Treated them like a princess. Did the best we can do. Nothing was appreciated.

 

This convo came about after I asked him how the dating is going. He said he has nothing else to give anymore. I said bro, I am in the same boat. I went hard in this last relationship that, I cannot go through that cycle again. Its the same process over and over. I find it amazing how many people are struggling and just dont have it in them anymore. Maybe it will take a certain person to WOW YOU AGAIN. But that is rare.

 

Both of us, put our ex's on a pedestal. we created a fictional character in our mind. we think they are the greatest person in the world and no one can replace them. Thus, we start to miss them and relapse and cry. The person we envisioned is NOT our ex's. If it were, they would still be with us. This of course, is just my opinion nothing more. All what was said to me was bs. Maybe at the time she KIND OF MEANT IT? which I don't believe, but it was just a lie. One week you want to get married, then a week after, this other person comes out and dumps you. Thats bi polar type of ****.

 

sorry for rambling. Just amazing how one day you can be someones forever then the next, your a stranger and cut off. All I know is, it will all be ok in the end. It will always get better. And, I am content by myself. Big plus. I don't NEED or WANT a woman. Not interested. I make myself happy. I will love myself more than another person this time. Lesson learned.

[DarrenB]

I'm beginning to feel the absence of the one I loved so dearly... the feelings and emotions subside, perhaps even diminish for a short while... but they come back to haunt you. Why? Why must they return to remind you of what you have lost, what you could have possibly fixed?

 

It seems so unconventional but it really isn't. I sincerely hope those of us stuck, can surpass this and move on with time.

 

Perhaps you were too good for me, and I was perhaps living in a dream world where things became meaningful. I'm amazed how much this world can teach us new things as each day passes.

[sorano]

Darren, it is amazing how you start to feel better. Then out of nowhere, it haunts you again and you relapse. I have been going through that for a year. But I noticed each relapse, they aren't that bad and they dont last that long. Knock them down that pedestal. Take them off.

[HorseLuck]

I woke up from a dream in which I felt so sad. In it I saw him talking to two of his type of "racial preference" female s while they were in a stretching position. I knee'd him in the groin and felt so crushed.

 

Then I wake up to two voicemails from him. Nothing relevant, but some residual tears started flowing. Also had to run to the bathroom as a knot formed in my stomach. Looks like he called from another number. Maybe he has multiple phones. It hurts to realize how much pain and anger he caused. It's going to suck for him when he gets back and realizes I'm gone.