How are you coping today?

[sorano]

I think tonight I have to go back to my rosary beads and pray. I don't know whats out there or whatever. But, its good to believe in something and it does help. Tonight I will get on my knees and pray.

[picnicinthepark]

Tonight I had fun for the first time in a while. I met new people. I danced with girls. I was confident. I did not think about her until I was back home alone.

 

As I lay in bed now, I'm thinking about the night we met. I said something corny and I kissed her. I didn't think anything of it other than a one night stand. We ended up traveling Italy together before decided to try long distance. I fell in love. Did I? What is love? I still don't know the answer.

 

Over a year later, daily phone calls, video chats, flights, buses, and trains to try to make things work. Holding onto the hope that we would finally be together. Dreams crushed and hearts broken. I am feeling much better these days but I'm often struck with this deep sadness but it disappears unless I choose to dwell on it.

 

We haven't had contact for over a month now and I fear that I will forget her. I miss her so much. I wish things were different.

[Kayley]

This morning is tough. I really really want to speak to him right now.

[Kelley]

This is exactly how I feel and it upsets me a bit too it's like my last little bit of love is slipping away. I was happy with him and now it's like he is finally leaving me forever. Even though he cheated on me, I loved him for 2 years. I had a date last night, we both had a great time, seeing him again. But even so it's like closing that door forever, I'm saying goodbye for the last time too, it's a sad feelings but just something we have to do. He said goodbye when he cheated, my turn now to say goodbye.

 

 

I'm nearing the end of my grief. I can feel it. There are moments now when it doesn't bother me anymore. I went on a date last weekend and I felt an amazing connection with her. We have another date coming up. And yet...and yet...this makes me extremely sad. I feel like this pain was the last bits that I had of her. It makes me sad that soon it will be nothing but a memory, void of this emotion.

 

I am feeling this unrelenting dichotomy of wanting to fight for her love and giving her up forever. It's the ultimate battle we all face between heart and mind. It's in these final stages I find that I'm at the lowest. Like when you know you have to say goodbye to an a close friend. It's like I dread being happy.

 

I am so close. So close to saying goodbye. God I love you Beth...

[Wuku]

Saying goodbye to that last little bit is the hardest thing to do. Once, the relationship was very special and all important, and letting go feels like I'm disrespecting and rubbishing the memory and the time we shared together. Letting go of everything feels like I'm shrugging my shoulders and saying so what, forgetting it and loosing that part of me that was hers, a part I don't want to have handed back. Even after acceptance, it's still there. I feel closer to letting it all go than I have before, but that little bit has the power to draw me back in, begin reminiscing and make me feel sad all over again.

[Pete2304]

If a relationship has gone on for years, if it was one that you thought and wanted to be there for the rest of your life, you might never get over it.

 

For those who know my story, I've had it a bit rough for ten years with my ex wife. For those who don't, just trust that I know relationships can break your heart.

 

I did something crazy last night. Asked a friend if she fancied a drink tonight. Got a pretty uninspiring response but then woke up this morning to find she had been texting me late on last night only I'd fallen asleep. Met up with her tonight and nothing more than a few drinks in our local but you know what it was nice. Her and I aren't ever going to be a couple but it's now 3am and whilst I'm sat home alone and thinking about my ex wife, it's just dawned on me that it's been hours and hours since I've thought about her. I don't want to say the final goodbye, I'm terrified of it because it's accepting then isn't it?

 

Thing is though for everyone of us who is posting on this thread about being scared to finally let go.......in truth......all of us already have. We just can't bare to admit it.

 

My marriage has been over for years and much as I've fought to keep it, if you'd put me on a lie detector machine at any point in the last five years and asked if I thought she loved me......if I'd said yes, would have failed every time.

[Protec]

For some reason i have started to think my ex more lately. I was quite fine at the one point, but now: I see dreams about her almost every night (nice dreams), i think good things about her, and i am thinking about writing a small letter and sending a x-mas card to her.

 

I just cannot get over the fact that she was the first person in my life who had made me feel like that. The chemistry alone between us was something i have never experienced before.

 

And more i talk with women (online mostly) the more i miss my ex. Unfortunately, as i pretty much anticipated, every single woman feels boring after her. She had passion, energy, she was alive, enjoyed every moment of her life (even too much unfortunately). She was creative, and she loved science fiction movies.

 

I have met lots of women during my life. I dated many women when i was younger but never ever i have felt such chemistry between anyone else. Never. Not even with the people i have been in relationship with.

 

Well...i guess it goes over someday. And i know it sounds crazy, but i really hate the saying "there are lots of fish in the sea".

 

No. There was only one woman like her in this world.

[Kelley]

The women you are talking to could be absolutely amazing and perfect for you, but while you are in love with your ex they will never stand a chance. That's why talking to other women makes you feel worse, you are just not ready to date again.

 

 

 

For some reason i have started to think my ex more lately. I was quite fine at the one point, but now: I see dreams about her almost every night (nice dreams), i think good things about her, and i am thinking about writing a small letter and sending a x-mas card to her.

 

I just cannot get over the fact that she was the first person in my life who had made me feel like that. The chemistry alone between us was something i have never experienced before.

 

And more i talk with women (online mostly) the more i miss my ex. Unfortunately, as i pretty much anticipated, every single woman feels boring after her. She had passion, energy, she was alive, enjoyed every moment of her life (even too much unfortunately). She was creative, and she loved science fiction movies.

 

I have met lots of women during my life. I dated many women when i was younger but never ever i have felt such chemistry between anyone else. Never. Not even with the people i have been in relationship with.

 

Well...i guess it goes over someday. And i know it sounds crazy, but i really hate the saying "there are lots of fish in the sea".

 

No. There was only one woman like her in this world.

[LancasterAmos1966]

And i know it sounds crazy, but i really hate the saying "there are lots of fish in the sea".

 

 

 

That doesn't sound crazy to me.

 

There are not many fish in the sea!!

 

Yes, there are many fellow travelers, but not all are compatible, not all have the same likes/dislikes, not all have the same religious beliefs, etc.

 

But, really, there doesn't need to be many companions available --- you only need one. And with a fair amount of patience and effort, you can locate that special person.

 

 

 

i am thinking about writing a small letter and sending a x-mas card to her.

I did not go back and read of the history between you and your ex.

 

Provided she is OK with the contact, I'd say a card is not wrong.

 

But, if she told you to never contact her, for instance, then please honor that.

 

Or if she is involved with someone else, then please, honor the new relationship. In other words, love her enough to release her.

[Deadmeat]

I'm nearing the end of my grief. I can feel it. There are moments now when it doesn't bother me anymore. I went on a date last weekend and I felt an amazing connection with her. We have another date coming up. And yet...and yet...this makes me extremely sad. I feel like this pain was the last bits that I had of her. It makes me sad that soon it will be nothing but a memory, void of this emotion.

 

I am feeling this unrelenting dichotomy of wanting to fight for her love and giving her up forever. It's the ultimate battle we all face between heart and mind. It's in these final stages I find that I'm at the lowest. Like when you know you have to say goodbye to an a close friend. It's like I dread being happy.

 

I am so close. So close to saying goodbye. God I love you Beth...

 

I thought I was ready. I went on a second date with the lady and it did not go as well and I fell into a negative spiral once more.

 

I am not ready to date. I am trying to get into another relationship to fix myself. I am trying to seek happiness outside of myself. I am doing this all wrong.

 

I've decided to hold off on dating. I need to work on my confidence, self esteem and self worth. I used to be so happy being independent. Where did all that go!?

[Deadmeat]

I just found out one of my closest friends got engaged. And although I am extremely happy for him, it was like a gut punch of reality.

 

I am almost 30, a single man without confidence, self esteem and self worth. One of my good friends is getting married and here I am crying my eyes out. I feel so selfish.

 

And now in my darkest time all I want to do is reach out to my ex. For her to validate me, make me feel okay and hope for a future of us together.

 

This break up has brought out demons in me I didn't know existed...

[sorano]

Don't start dating just yet. I tried it. Now I gave it up. I don't even want to anymore. Hold off until you feel sure. If not, you will, like you said, spiral down that hole and get depressed.

[Logo]

I just found out one of my closest friends got engaged. And although I am extremely happy for him, it was like a gut punch of reality.

 

I am almost 30, a single man without confidence, self esteem and self worth. One of my good friends is getting married and here I am crying my eyes out. I feel so selfish.

 

And now in my darkest time all I want to do is reach out to my ex. For her to validate me, make me feel okay and hope for a future of us together.

 

This break up has brought out demons in me I didn't know existed...

 

You are still young. Don't sweat it. Give yourself some time. Treat yourself kindly. You will find someone soon. Just take a break to build yourself up a little.

 

Ever since the break up, whenever I approach a woman and it doesn't work, I feel worse about myself than I did before that; I start missing my ex. So I'm taking things easy and giving myself more time.

 

Lately I have also been thinking about how I would feel about being intimate with another woman, and the thought of it is making me uncomfortable. I got so used to being with my ex, that being in bed with another woman is somehow making me uncomfortable. I can't exactly explain it.

 

The other day, I found myself asking a woman if she had certain hobbies, trying to see if she had the same hobbies as my ex. That wasn't good.

 

 

Thinking of Adele's song, "Never mind, I'll find someone like you".

 

Images of her looking into my eyes with such admiration, love and affection just a couple of weeks before the end keep flashing in my head.

 

It tears me up inside. I keep thinking about what could have been. I keep thinking about what happened, replaying things in my head as if I will ever find a loophole that I can use to solve everything and bring us back together. The more time passes, the more nostalgic I become, the more I tend to forget about all the negative things that happened, about her habits, her behavior, the manipulation. I keep reminding myself that I need to forge ahead.

Edited November 28, 2016 by Logo

[Kayley]

Surprised by how much is stings this morning. More so than it has this last week. Mornings always hurt though, today just a little bit more though. I'm hoping it eases like last week. I'm sick of feeling this way though. It's day 29 of NC, 37 days since the break up. He's obviously okay. He hasn't made one single attempt to contact me all this time. Screws me up how easily he could cut me from his life.

 

Sometimes I feel the way it ended is what makes it so hard to move on. Unexpectedly & over text. It lacks that sense of finality. A goodbye. At one point I desperately wanted answers, to understand why he done it like this but now the answers matter less. I'd like to see him one last time. I really do feel that would be enough to let me close the door on it once and for all.i can't have that though.hedowant want to talk to me and I know he doesn't owe me anything.so I just need to plough on with nc & let time do it's work. I just hate that something's missing feeling.

[Introverted_Optimist]

This is exactly how I feel and it upsets me a bit too it's like my last little bit of love is slipping away. I was happy with him and now it's like he is finally leaving me forever. Even though he cheated on me, I loved him for 2 years. I had a date last night, we both had a great time, seeing him again. But even so it's like closing that door forever, I'm saying goodbye for the last time too, it's a sad feelings but just something we have to do. He said goodbye when he cheated, my turn now to say goodbye.

 

Deadmeat and Kelley could not more accurately describe the paradox associated with the final stages of moving on. The closer I get to truly disconnecting, the more the profound the sense of sadness and finality. It's two-fold for me.

 

In one sense, I realize that if I am this close to indifference and acceptance, then clearly so is she. Even though I know she was already at this place some time ago, I am still struck with deep sadness, knowing this is the feeling that she has had for some time -being well over and past me. I have also developed a strange sense of comfort and connection through the sadness of missing her. As I carry on for extended periods of time not missing her, I do feel that last sense of connection disappearing.

 

I know I am not fully there yet, and I will carry within me the sense of loss and occasional void just below the surface. It is more like a dull ache now than that sharp and crippling pain that used to overcome me. I am actually able to envision an alternate future at times, now, that does not include her next to me. I think this is the last struggle for me.

 

The grief and loss is not so much about what I have left behind, rather it is about the void of the future. The future I was building, in my mind, with her. All the associations of what was to come featured her. These are the hardest thoughts to reconcile or shake, but I am slowly coming to view my future as something to be defined by me. I am becoming an active participant ion my own life and cultivating happiness from within.

[VeveCakes]

For some reason i have started to think my ex more lately. I was quite fine at the one point, but now: I see dreams about her almost every night (nice dreams), i think good things about her, and i am thinking about writing a small letter and sending a x-mas card to her.

 

I just cannot get over the fact that she was the first person in my life who had made me feel like that. The chemistry alone between us was something i have never experienced before.

 

And more i talk with women (online mostly) the more i miss my ex. Unfortunately, as i pretty much anticipated, every single woman feels boring after her. She had passion, energy, she was alive, enjoyed every moment of her life (even too much unfortunately). She was creative, and she loved science fiction movies.

 

I have met lots of women during my life. I dated many women when i was younger but never ever i have felt such chemistry between anyone else. Never. Not even with the people i have been in relationship with.

 

Well...i guess it goes over someday. And i know it sounds crazy, but i really hate the saying "there are lots of fish in the sea".

 

No. There was only one woman like her in this world.

 

you seem to have completely blocked out all the horrible things she did to you and how she treated you. Focus on how she almost destroyed your life instead of this false image of her goodness you have created in your head.

[sorano]

During a breakup, we create this image of the person that dumped us that they are this super human amazing person. They are the end all be all. Birds singing, sun shining, he or she is the most beautiful person in the world.

 

Video that I watched was spot on. It was posted a few days ago here. All the false crap they told us, the love letters, the cute things they did for us, forget it. Thats not who that person really was. If it was, they would still be by your side and in love with you.

[sorano]

[CDJ]

It’s been about 15 months since the break-up/incident and a year now since I last contacted her (although not full NC as I’ve lapsed and checked her social media two or three times over the past year).

 

Getting over what happened has been a bit of a rollercoaster and I made huge progress during the summer. However, in the last month or so I’ve really hit a downer; this is partly because of the winter (it always gets me down), but mainly because I think I’m getting all the answers now that I always wanted.

 

The break-up was confusing in itself – full of contradictions and uncertainties – but afterwards she did something very nasty to me and treated me horribly that naturally created many more questions and doubts. When you break up with someone you have to cope with losing the present and future with that person; but what she did kind of vandalised all the good memories and thus I lost the past, too, leaving me in a kind of limbo – nothing to look forward to and nothing from the past to cling onto and comfort me.

 

Part of my struggle in coping was in not having the answers I craved. Of course I begged her for them but she ignored me, and I think this was because she didn’t want to tell me the truth or to own up to things; it’s possible she may have just wanted to continue to hurt me even more, too. Over the past year I’ve managed to piece the puzzle together myself (thanks to counselling, the clarity that comes with time and also my dating experiences since), so whilst it’s been good to finally get the answers/truth I needed (as far as I know), the paradox is that I am now hurting from the ‘truth’.

 

It really is being stuck between a rock and a hard place: the lack of answers/ explanations is agonising, yet sometimes the truth hurts just as much or even more so. And so today, even 15 months after the event, I feel that I am not coping well. And it’s so frustrating, given the progress I made just a few months ago.

[Kayley]

Day 30 of NC....well kind of NC because I have lapsed often and checked his instagram page. I'm working on cutting that out. I'm getting better at fighting the urges to do that now.

 

I still say it's NC though because I haven't reached out. I've never been on this end of a break up until now, funny isn't it that I could get to 24 before I felt this pain? I had closed myself off from love for so long. I wish I hadn't, I wish I had gone through being broken up with before because maybe it would make it so much easier to bounce back from if it wasn't the first time it had happened.

 

I didn't even know how to act when someone breaks up with you and I done all the wrong things. I wish I had known about NC then because even if I couldn't save myself from the heartache I could have saved myself the embarrassment. He said he needed 'time and space' before we could talk again. I stumbled across NC when I googled how much time I should give him. That time and space wasn't said in terms of reconciliation, just talking. 30 seemed like this magic number according to the sites I found. If what I read then is anything to go by, I should be almost back to my usual self by now. That couldn't be more true.

 

Although I stumbled across NC when looking to see how much space I should give him, as time passed I realised that it might be a forever thing. I want to reach out so badly. I don't want to get back together but I just want to talk. Sometimes I think that's the only thing that's going to help. A goodbye, a chance to redeem myself from the crazy girl I acted like in the end. I can't have that though. The last time we spoke I was asking him to give me answers. Any contact now would be presumed as me looking for answers. I don't care about answers anymore. I can't contact though and I just need to ride these feelings out and hope that one day they go away.

 

It still hurts so damn bad though even after a month of no contact. I still cry most days, the memories still hit me out of nowhere, the best I ever feel is 'okay' not good. I don't want to think of him anymore, I try to push thoughts of him out of my head. When I'm busy it's fine. I can get through a work day and barely think of him, I can do things and keep my mind off him. The second I stop though...one moment alone with my thoughts and he's there. That's why I try to avoid being home...I don't like how it feels being alone with my thoughts. I'm scared that if I spend too much time alone in my flat then I'll end up giving into my urges and contacting which despite how much I want to talk to him, I know I'll regret.

 

Ugh...I know this is long, I could easily keep going. I want to just put all my thoughts out there in the hope that getting them out of my head helps but nobody wants me to post an essay.

[sorano]

I keep playing the video I posted over and over and over. Its helping me a lot. I repeat to myself, FORGET what the person said to you, wrote to you, all those nice things, bc, that is NOT who is really was. watch the video. over and over and over.

 

I just got back from the gym. video, hormones pumping, blood full of supplements, Im actually feeling excited tonight. Its weird. I will ride this feeling out all night and enjoy a day of peace with no anger or sadness.

[Kayley]

As much as I miss him and wish things had been different, I don't want to be with him.if he was to call me and say he made a mistake and wanted me back I'd say no. I know this isn't going to happen because I've been nc 31days and haven't heard from him. Even the 8 days beforwNC the contact was I jtiatedby me. Anyway I know I don't want to be with him, I couldn't go back to someone who has caused me this much pain.

 

If I don't want to be with him why do I want to talk To him so much?

 

At this point I don't know how to walk away without saying the things that are left unsaid.

[DarrenB]

Went on a date this evening, went rather well.

 

Have asked to meet again and she has consented and agreed to another one.

 

The progression of coping and moving forward is incredibly slow when I compare it to my ex, however I'm complacent with myself regardless.

[Pete2304]

Darren if you're going to make things work with someone new you're going to have to put a bit more passion into it!

[DarrenB]

Darren if you're going to make things work with someone new you're going to have to put a bit more passion into it!

 

I am trying to the best of my ability!