Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 I am ready to start dating again. I think it's time. The issue is not so much the "breakup". I am over the "relationship, man and break up" but the situation in itself and the disturbing events that happened. There is a mutual friend Thea who drives me to eat at the thought of her and as a result, Halloween candy and white bread bagels have destroyed my fresh jump start to the day. I decided that maybe just for the time being, to date for a distraction. I need some positive memories and new beginnings or the previous ones will eat me alive. I'll do this carefully as to not end up in a toxic situations with unreasonable expectations.
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 There are many reasons why I do not want to enter a relationship or friendship with the same person. One is behavior. He cowardly did nothing and had everyone else do it for him. I realized the entire reason for me leaving the friendship the first time was that I was not emotionally comfortable with this person. The events over the last few years really confirmed this and I am free of this person in my life. Online, I am sure I could find him but I do not indulge or read. After the gym last night, I waited at starbucks for the bus and enjoyed a fresh cup of lava. It's coffee in Canada but did that sound better? you English folks and your beautiful language. I decided to move on now and leave this forum. Take care. 1
DarrenB Posted November 3, 2016 Posted November 3, 2016 There are many reasons why I do not want to enter a relationship or friendship with the same person. One is behavior. He cowardly did nothing and had everyone else do it for him. I realized the entire reason for me leaving the friendship the first time was that I was not emotionally comfortable with this person. The events over the last few years really confirmed this and I am free of this person in my life. Online, I am sure I could find him but I do not indulge or read. After the gym last night, I waited at starbucks for the bus and enjoyed a fresh cup of lava. It's coffee in Canada but did that sound better? you English folks and your beautiful language. I decided to move on now and leave this forum. Take care. Godspeed Cheryl
Logo Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I opened up to a friend about the breakup recently and that re-opened some wounds. It felt good to have someone listen, but I don't know what's happening to me this week. I feel like I'm in a rut. I used to feel excited about work. It was a nice distraction from the constant thoughts about the relationship, my ex and the breakup. Perhaps I'm starting to get over the relationship and that's why I'm not feeling the same about work. Has work reached a point where -- as a distraction -- it doesn't have the same potency? It was a welcome distraction. It was therapeutic. Either that or the sleep deprivation has finally taken its toll on me. I went to see a doctor about that. Or, the relationship and the positive, happy memories that I felt while I was with my ex are becoming ancient history now to the point that I'm forgetting that I am attractive and what great qualities I have to offer a woman. "Memories give me the strength I need to believe......" I feel like a hamster on a wheel; Monday through Friday, then the weekend; wash, rinse, repeat. I feel like I'm sleep walking, just going through the motions. How am I going to attract anyone when I walk around feeling like this? I haven't smiled like I used to smile when I was with her. Those laughs came from the heart. We had a great time together. Two doves necking. We were enchanted with one another. My heart was happy. It wasn't happy when I found out what she did behind my back. But, before that, I was on cloud nine. I feel like I have to hold onto to the memories to keep going. It's a little counter productive to the healing process, I know. I try to talk to women when I go out, but the conversation lasts about 3 minutes and then they're, "We have to go now. It was nice talking to you....blah blah blah." Unfortunately they travel in groups, in packs. Perhaps I'm talking to the wrong women. I'm not enjoying the things that I used to enjoy, my hobbies. Just after the breakup, my hobbies kept me busy, especially after work and for parts of the weekend. I knew I needed to be disciplined about starting a new routine, it was a survival instinct. Now I'm more lax, more comfortable. It's like meh. Now I don't feel I enjoy my hobbies as much. I have more anger in me than any other feeling. I've become short tempered. Am I depressed? I don't get it. Perhaps it was that adjustment period, that phase when I was still trying to figure out a new routine and start something new. Perhaps that was -- in a way -- exciting. I had plans to do all kinds of things, and then I found myself settling into a routine that was more comfortable than challenging and inspiring. Did I give up too easily? I feel fragile and overly sensitive. Every evening since the breakup, I've found solace in taking a few moments to feel the sadness of the breakup, to grieve the end of a chapter.
NIGHT1985 Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I can totally relate to everything you're saying. Just going through motions. I want so badly to get through the work week, only to find myself ultra depressed on my weekends, hardly getting out of bed. Rinse and repeat. It's not getting better. I know she's having the time of her life, and I'm still miserable as I was the day she left me.
Raina314 Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 ^ I feel the same way. I'm angry at the fact that I'm not over it. I'm angry at myself for feeling that way and I'm angry at men on behalf of the ones that gave let me down. I've done everything you're supposed to do and I still love this man. I get mad every time someone new even tries to approach me, and I've never been an angry person before. I completely get how you guys feel. Work is supposed to be a distraction but nkw it's just an annoyance. My weekends are activity-filled but deep down I'm just sad he's not with me. And I know I'm a broken record. It's been a year. But nothing changes my desire to be with him. 1
Kelley Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I'm actually OK in the week, I'm so busy at work and my colleagues are amazing so I don't have time to even think about my ex. I'm also filling my evenings with yoga and running. Fit in a pamper too! I still struggle a bit at weekends! We used to do everything together, I still think about him what we used to do. So I get out for the day with my dog and go for hike. I like going to the coast too! You have to make yourself happier and work on your own life for now. When I know I'm happy 100% on my own again I will be ready to be open to meeting someone else. I'm a believer it's not time that heals you, but you! 1
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 Kelley, I am reading an amazing book that speaks of the Toltec's views. If you do not know what the Toltec's are then google it because I do not feel like writing a long post. I can assure you that we often have a view of our own life that isn't necessarily true. Your world is just your story and people often have a need to tell their story but often fail at recognizing that the other person also has a story. You are the main character in your story but a secondary character to everyone else's. Communication between two people are best if each listen to each other and accept that that is their story. My point being, that you don't know your ex's story. You are just a secondary character and weather or not you like the truth that is exactly what it is the truth. When you look at the situation like this then for me I find it easier not to take anything anyone else does or says personally. To love is to respect and to respect that this person has a story and you are just a secondary character to this person's story. Does this change your perception at all? For me it made so much more sense because my "ex" and his views were based on his story and not mine so I no longer take it personally. I also don't feel angry because I respect that he's living his own life and his views on me will differ from my views. To love someone is to respect them and the story they are creating. It also makes connecting with people a lot more fun because you are not doing anything but listening to their story. It's all it is according to the toltecs. We're not so much living the truth but our own truth that is true to us. 1
Kelley Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I really like that view, thanks for sharing Kelley, I am reading an amazing book that speaks of the Toltec's views. If you do not know what the Toltec's are then google it because I do not feel like writing a long post. I can assure you that we often have a view of our own life that isn't necessarily true. Your world is just your story and people often have a need to tell their story but often fail at recognizing that the other person also has a story. You are the main character in your story but a secondary character to everyone else's. Communication between two people are best if each listen to each other and accept that that is their story. My point being, that you don't know your ex's story. You are just a secondary character and weather or not you like the truth that is exactly what it is the truth. When you look at the situation like this then for me I find it easier not to take anything anyone else does or says personally. To love is to respect and to respect that this person has a story and you are just a secondary character to this person's story. Does this change your perception at all? For me it made so much more sense because my "ex" and his views were based on his story and not mine so I no longer take it personally. I also don't feel angry because I respect that he's living his own life and his views on me will differ from my views. To love someone is to respect them and the story they are creating. It also makes connecting with people a lot more fun because you are not doing anything but listening to their story. It's all it is according to the toltecs. We're not so much living the truth but our own truth that is true to us.
Cheryl11111111111111 Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 I can go deeper into this because the toltecs believe that human beings are just dreamers. This little piece I wrote does not detail toltecs themselves but a taste of one theory. The truth is that lies exist all the time within people who believe these lies are the truth. We build our entire foundation on lies. For example, I compare myself to others all the time but what am I comparing myself to. The idea that there is perfection and I am not perfect. We live our lives on lies that we are not this and not that and half the time we don't even know what we are. In my case my ex had lots of friends and they all came up with a truth. That truth was not the truth but the truth of me as a secondary character to a story they created about my character. My character in my life does not resemble this character so maybe it is my character that is a lie only I am the one creating my story and therefor I can change it at any given time. The truth is no one knows the truth. We are going off what we are taught and half of what we believe are lies. That is why family's argue. They are so desperate to share their version of the truth when a meaning full relationship with anyone would not be spent defending one and other but embracing the person for what and who they are. The most disrespectful thing you could ever do is try to write someone elses story! I congratulate those who tried. 1
Deadmeat Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 It's been 2 mon the NC. Feeling a ton better than the beginning. It still hurts though but it's more "bearable". I was just on facebook messenger yesterday and I accidentally clicked the phone icon and it displayed the last 2 times I tried to call her. That set me back a notch. I find now that all these memories of the initial stages of our relationship start popping up. I can't help but remember the time when we were just texting each other and how flirty it was. It makes.me extremely sad to see that it was all for nothing. How do you stop yourself from thinking. It's like I have to mentally plug my ears and go "lalalalalala" just to make it stop...lol I think I'm losing it.
Logo Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 It's been 2 mon the NC. Feeling a ton better than the beginning. It still hurts though but it's more "bearable". I was just on facebook messenger yesterday and I accidentally clicked the phone icon and it displayed the last 2 times I tried to call her. That set me back a notch. I find now that all these memories of the initial stages of our relationship start popping up. I can't help but remember the time when we were just texting each other and how flirty it was. It makes.me extremely sad to see that it was all for nothing. How do you stop yourself from thinking. It's like I have to mentally plug my ears and go "lalalalalala" just to make it stop...lol I think I'm losing it. There are certain actions that remind me of the first stages of our relationship. It can be anything, the most trivial of actions, but then when I do it I remember, "It was so romantic and infatuating when we did this or did that." I remember our makeout sessions in the beginning. Such fond memories. It's amazing how things ended. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her. It's so sad. It seems like ages ago. I feel like driving to her house, knocking on the door and reminding her of all the cute, flirty, fun, amazing things we used to do. But I can't put myself through that. It's over. She cheated. The relationship changed. God how I miss that initial version of her, of us. I would even go back to the last month of the relationship. That was still fun. We had a great time. Winter is going to be cold without her cuddling with me. I need to find someone else. No deadline, just feel like I want to meet someone special. 1
Deadmeat Posted November 4, 2016 Posted November 4, 2016 There are certain actions that remind me of the first stages of our relationship. It can be anything, the most trivial of actions, but then when I do it I remember, "It was so romantic and infatuating when we did this or did that." I remember our makeout sessions in the beginning. Such fond memories. It's amazing how things ended. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her. It's so sad. It seems like ages ago. I feel like driving to her house, knocking on the door and reminding her of all the cute, flirty, fun, amazing things we used to do. But I can't put myself through that. It's over. She cheated. The relationship changed. God how I miss that initial version of her, of us. I would even go back to the last month of the relationship. That was still fun. We had a great time. Winter is going to be cold without her cuddling with me. I need to find someone else. No deadline, just feel like I want to meet someone special. I know how you feel. I've never felt so lonely in my life. I've been reading into codependenCy. I'm really trying to work on being happy single and being happy by myself. I realize the more I got into it, that I was placing my happiness on the relationship. My self esteem took a huge hit when she left me. 1
NIGHT1985 Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I met her online. I remember the next I messaged her. And we went from texting to long calls all night, while I was on break. She was gorgeous in her pics, but that didn't do her justice, when I finally met her that weekend, at my front door... why can't I rewind time and fix my mistakes? I truly don't think I'll meet such a rare soul like her. Those are the ones you're supposed to hold on to and never let go. I'm such a god damn fool 1
Kelley Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 Everyone feels lonely when their relationship ends. I was the same and at times I still feel lonely. It's about filling your life with things you really want to do and try. I know everyone goes on about take up a new hobby, go travelling, get a new job etc. But it does work! I have taken up yoga, I'm spending more time running and looking at races to enter. I'm doing more volunteering work in January. All these things I just didn't have time for before. You need to build your own life and let someone share it, don't give up everything because as we both found out it can be devastating when they go, I won't be basing my whole happiness on another person again. I know how you feel. I've never felt so lonely in my life. I've been reading into codependenCy. I'm really trying to work on being happy single and being happy by myself. I realize the more I got into it, that I was placing my happiness on the relationship. My self esteem took a huge hit when she left me.
Kelley Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 My ex is going through this at the moment. He would always say I was rare and a special person. Maybe I was too nice and he took me for granted? But he went one step further and cheated on me and closed the door forever. He wants me back, continues to get in touch anyway he can, but I can't forgive him enough to have a relationship with him again. He said that he will just have to accept it's over and learn from it. I guess you have learned too, and when you come across another rare soul you won't repeat any mistakes you made. Sometimes we just have to learn the hard way as painful as it is. I met her online. I remember the next I messaged her. And we went from texting to long calls all night, while I was on break. She was gorgeous in her pics, but that didn't do her justice, when I finally met her that weekend, at my front door... why can't I rewind time and fix my mistakes? I truly don't think I'll meet such a rare soul like her. Those are the ones you're supposed to hold on to and never let go. I'm such a god damn fool
Kelley Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I'm doing so much better these days, a lot more positive about the my life and the future. I still feel lonely sometimes if I'm honest I really miss the affection. He was a very touch feely person like me, we could never just sit next to each other we would always hold hands, or he would wrap his arm round me. Even in the car we would hold hands where possible. We always loved to be hugging and kissing. I really hope I find that again when I'm ready. It's the start of the weekend and I'm feeling OK this morning and determined to just enjoy it. It goes quick enough without thinking about how we would have spent it. Now it's all about what I want to do! So almost 5 weeks NC I'm proud of myself and it has really helped me find some peace and healing. 2
starswewillnavigate Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I feel as if my emotions are back on an even keel. I still miss my ex, there's still sadness that we won't see each other again, I really wish we could have had a proper goodbye. Of course I haven't gone NC but I think the messages will taper off. I don't feel that roller coaster of pain if he doesn't message and elation when he does, it's just a resigned sadness now. I don't think he even realised how much he pushed/pulled me, but I'm glad that my emotions have settled. 1
cucumber95 Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I tought that I am getting better, but I feel depressed today I can't stop thinking about her and it was 2 months since break up. I still cry, why? why me? she forgot about me, all 8 months we were together did not mean anything to her. Why some guy she seen once in her life desreved to be contacted after he rejected her (on birthday), and me, boyfriend of long time like that just got removed from her life why? I can't cope, I think it will be easier to just end it all, but I won't, I can't.
Logo Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I had a dream. I was on a date, my date was laughing and having fun. I was faking having fun because I was sad that I wasn't with my ex, laughing and having fun. Then the dream ended and I woke up. Just when I thought things were getting better, they make a turn and get worse. Why? Last week I felt I was over her. What the heck? These ups and downs are tiring.
Kelley Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 You will have good days and bad and before you know it there will be more good than bad. You just have to ride out those bad days, even though they don't feel like it you are healing everyday. I know we could go crazy trying to figure out our exes behaviour. But you deserve so much better and you will find it when you are ready. Just keep strong and take one day at a time. I tought that I am getting better, but I feel depressed today I can't stop thinking about her and it was 2 months since break up. I still cry, why? why me? she forgot about me, all 8 months we were together did not mean anything to her. Why some guy she seen once in her life desreved to be contacted after he rejected her (on birthday), and me, boyfriend of long time like that just got removed from her life why? I can't cope, I think it will be easier to just end it all, but I won't, I can't. 1
Kelley Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I had a dream the other night concerning my ex where I confronted him about everything! Really gave him everything I had then I looked up the reason for the dreams in general about the ex! When it comes to healing the mind and body, humans have natural mechanisms that allow us to experience physical and emotional pain and get over it. While you might find it extremely difficult to get over an ex if your conscious mind is constantly thinking about them, your subconscious mind will often use dreams to help process some of the emotions and thoughts that are built up inside of you. For example, you might have ended your relationship without truly expressing how you felt about your partner. People who have a lot of built feelings towards someone might have a dream about confronting an ex and telling them what they truly felt inside about the relationship. Even though these confrontations or expressions of ones feelings take place in the dream world, they are therapeutic and help us deal with a lot of pain and hurt. I had a dream. I was on a date, my date was laughing and having fun. I was faking having fun because I was sad that I wasn't with my ex, laughing and having fun. Then the dream ended and I woke up. Just when I thought things were getting better, they make a turn and get worse. Why? Last week I felt I was over her. What the heck? These ups and downs are tiring.
Logo Posted November 5, 2016 Posted November 5, 2016 I feel really really down right now. I'm constantly chasing my tail because I can't focus on what I need to do and then when I'm late doing it or forget to do it I feel such disappointment. I feel disappointed in myself. My thoughts are all over the place. And the more often it happens the more depressed I get. I feel like I'm going nowhere fast. I want to get my life in order and get my s*** together, but I'm just consumed by the fact that I'm trying to get over this breakup and trying to feel better. It's like I'm spending more energy on trying to move on than I am on doing what I need to do to move on. That probably doesn't make sense at all, but there it is. I wrote it. I cancelled a bunch of things I was supposed to do today and I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this. I don't feel like going out either. It's constant disappointment and constant rejection. I need to join some kind of hobby or activity group. Off to looking for one.
Kelsy Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 I am not happy today. Dont want to be alone anymore. I have met some new people here and there but just dont feel it at all. Something is totally off. I miss my last ex (only dated for short time, like a rebound). And dont miss my long term ex which is strange. The rebound guy was great. We had so much in common and had a very good chemistry. Dont understand why life takes those people out of our lives. I am trying so hard here but its like living with "laughing outside but crying inside so bad".
Logo Posted November 6, 2016 Posted November 6, 2016 I ended up going out last night. I met a nice woman, chatted for more than an hour and she gave me her phone number. Then I met another woman who really liked me. She was from out of town visiting a friend. When they left, she gave me a hug and I hesitated to ask her for her phone number. I wasn't sure if I was 100% attracted to her. She was very cute and playful, but I was afraid of a rejection. The minute she walked away I regretted not asking her for her number. I could have sprinted toward the exit and stopped her. But I felt embarrassed. All in all it was a fun and enjoyable evening. The entire night I didn't think about my ex, even though I met 2 women with the same name as hers. As I drove home, I started thinking about my ex and all the nice things she did for me. I missed her. This morning, I wondered if we could ever be together again. The more I interact with women on a romantic level, the more I am reminded of the topics and activities that my ex and I used to talk about and do, the more I miss her. What's strange is that after every breakup, it's as though I forget what the last one was like and how long it takes to heal and move on. But I learn from every experience.
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