How are you coping today?

[NIGHT1985]

Here we go... Each day brings us closer to fall and the holidays. The memories are gonna come in strong. I spent my favorite thanksgiving and Christmas time with her, it's not gonna be the same. I'm so dreading them getting closer

[Bialy]

Wrapping up Day 15 of NC and feeling good. Really can't wait until I reach Day 30, then Day 45, then Day 60, then Day 75... I feel like setting these benchmarks really helps.

 

 

I'm actually looking forward to the holidays. It'll be the first where I won't have to think about carving out time with my ex. Holidays were really just so unfulfilling with him for a variety of reasons.

[Sunnymae]

I'm coping by dating, even if my heart is not in it. I do it b/c I feel that I need to do this in order to realize there are others out there, that loosing him does not mean I will never have a chance at a meaningful relationship. But yeah, I still miss him. I've started smoking again, and that will probably hinder my selection of men. But this has been so hard having to come to terms with what happened. I'm really trying to work through this. I go out on dates I'm fine my mind is distracted, but then when I'm driving back home I feel so sad, and I smoke. It has gotten better. I went back and read the first time I posted here about 4 months ago, and of course I see how much I've improved. I'm making progress in getting over this breakup.

[Bialy]

I'm done grieving. I can't remember the last time I cried.

 

Acceptance was an interesting phase - I worked through varied feelings and working through residual crap.

 

After acceptance, I go through a weird phase. Let's call it the "Nosy as Hell" phase. Now I just wish I was able to see how the craziness in his life shapes up. Who needs reality TV when you've got real life?

 

But since we aren't connected on Facebook, I won't be able to check in and watch the madness and go through that phase.

 

Then I pretty much get bored and don't care anymore. It's a weird phase, but it helped me get over one of the first guys I ever dated.

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

I'm done grieving. I can't remember the last time I cried.

Acceptance was an interesting phase - I worked through varied feelings and working through residual crap.

 

You know in your previous post you say you are just about 15 day NC... The first few days even weeks are fine Bialy. It's what happens when the realization of a lost love kicks in and that happens a little later.

 

It's been 5 months and a half for me NC and my eyes still water even now from time to time. I had a full blown out cry a couple days ago. Just silent but streams of tears rolling down my cheeks.

 

I am working from my apartment now - home office. It's the same apartment she has been a part of almost every single week of my life with her. It is so empty now, so many memories, still her smell is in some of the sheets and pillow cases I haven't yet washed for some reason. Sometimes I think of those memories fondly and feel so warm but then a second later my chest is crunching under the weight of feeling guilt and sadness that she hurt me and I hurt her as well. I think sometimes what would've been if we stayed together if I wasn't such a blind horse for not giving her what she wants - for us to live together, I just wasn't feeling ready. Now that I realize that it would've been probably awesome I feel regret for not even trying. I guess we all grow up at a different pace and I needed more time but my stupidity took the better of me.

 

Maybe it is for the best that it didn't happen who knows. But now living in this apartment alone is just a slightly bearable pain that is in the background slowly eating my emotions, brain and heart away. I pray for her and her family to be healthy and so so happy every.single.day I never miss the chance to pray for her. Through prayer I feel I guess closer to her again. Like I won't have to stop calling her my lover but eventually I will have to get that fact through my skull. In the end time is all we need...

Edited September 17, 2016 by Heart..PLS STAHP

[juniorrocha]

You know in your previous post you say you are just about 15 day NC... The first few days even weeks are fine Bialy. It's what happens when the realization of a lost love kicks in and that happens a little later.

 

I think it really depends. My ex wasn't the best thing ever, and we broke up because we had issues we couldn't resolve at the moment. It's been 4 months since we broke up and I didn't cry past the second month. I suppose if she'd been absolutely amazing during our 2 years together, I suppose it would've taken me longer to grieve/move on.

 

Speaking of her, we're still talking/seeing each other, been 10 days now. We are seeing how it goes as I have mentioned before. Things are the same, except there's no drama anymore, we're really just enjoying each other. I've been seeing other girls too and couldn't care less if she's seeing other guys.

 

I really feel like I've forgiven all of her mistakes; and vice versa. Things are so lighthearted now. I suppose the fact I've been focusing on myself makes things easier too. I feel happier than ever.

 

She's been hinting she wants us back together. We're having such a great time. But I do have to admit I still don't know whether I still love her or not. I'll always care about her, but I'm not sure it's love. I was (I am?) enjoying my freedom so much, yet being around her is always great, time flies, and it feels absurdly nice when she's in my arms. I'll give it some more time.

[SixxChick]

I am working from my apartment now - home office. It's the same apartment she has been a part of almost every single week of my life with her. It is so empty now, so many memories, still her smell is in some of the sheets and pillow cases I haven't yet washed for some reason. Sometimes I think of those memories fondly and feel so warm but then a second later my chest is crunching under the weight of feeling guilt and sadness that she hurt me and I hurt her as well.

 

I work from home as well. I watched him lose his marriage (I had known him for a long time), his home, his business, his kids. When he had nowhere to go, well ... I was stupid. I let him stay with me. After almost two years, when I let him get behind on rent, I had to pull the plug. He left abruptly without a word after I closed the checkbook/ATM. This always was and still is my place. Reclaim your space too. Here's what you do.

 

Get rid of everything (ESPECIALLY the smell ... pillow cases, sheets, towels, etc. ... trust me on this one because I know what you are talking about). Don't wash or change them out. Go on a shopping spree. GET NEW ONES. I got my carpets cleaned, steam cleaned my couches and chairs, vacuumed all of the floor parameters and corners, washed the kitchen ceiling after long ignoring a stain from an erupting pasta sauce we made together, used his toothbrush to detail my toilet, dried/polished said toilet with a t-shirt he left, and just stopped short of buying a new mattress by turning it upside down and rotating it instead. I even used the leaf blower he inadvertently left here to totally blow out the debris from the back and front patios.

 

Have a blow out. You will need a shower thereafter. But, it's a beauty way to go.

 

Strength and honor.

Edited September 17, 2016 by SixxChick

[Bialy]

You know in your previous post you say you are just about 15 day NC... The first few days even weeks are fine Bialy. It's what happens when the realization of a lost love kicks in and that happens a little later.

I definitely know what you mean - but my timeline is further along than you might realize!

 

My ex and I haven't been a couple for about eight months (since late January 2016). I grieved a lot already - there was a point where I lost total appetite and barely slept and cried every single day for about two months. It was the WORST. I do get the occasional nostalgia, but it doesn't make me cry. I either get angry or I'll think, "that was a nice isolated memory."

 

We got into contact this summer and met a handful of times, but it never amounted to anything. My Day 17 of NC is when we stopped communicating recently.

 

When I started to get into the "anger" phase - I started to get oodles of perspective and truly recognize the worst aspects about him that I conveniently forgot when I was crying my heart out.

Edited September 17, 2016 by Bialy

[Heart..PLS STAHP]

Get rid of everything (ESPECIALLY the smell ... pillow cases, sheets, towels, etc. ... trust me on this one because I know what you are talking about). Don't wash or change them out. Go on a shopping spree. GET NEW ONES.

 

Have a blow out. You will need a shower thereafter. But, it's a beauty way to go.

 

Strength and honor.

 

I guess you are right! I'll just have to clean everything and revamp the whole apartment this way the memories will fade away quicker and I'll be able to continue with my life without grief! At least to a small amount!

 

I'll make sure to follow your advice! Well put!

[SixxChick]

I guess you are right! I'll just have to clean everything and revamp the whole apartment this way the memories will fade away quicker and I'll be able to continue with my life without grief! At least to a small amount!

 

I'll make sure to follow your advice! Well put!

 

I know how lonely it feels once they have occupied a space in your life, home, being. Then, all of a sudden, they are gone, like it never happened. You picture them everywhere ... sitting, standing, walking, laying, showering, eating, blah, blah, blah. But, dammit, it's your domain and you CAN take control of it, one step at a time.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Breakingfree44]

So we separated as of July 25th of this year and divorce started about a week later. Divorce is still pending but so many emotions still related to our breakup and domestic violence and legal actions and now dealing with my older son. I've started counseling this past week and the first visit I broke down and cried.

[Breakingfree44]

Here we go... Each day brings us closer to fall and the holidays. The memories are gonna come in strong. I spent my favorite thanksgiving and Christmas time with her, it's not gonna be the same. I'm so dreading them getting closer

 

Well, that sucks in my opinion. Although we never really shared holidays much so theres nothing to miss about it. We usually argued or I had to work and plus he wouldn't let me celebrate the holidays the way I wanted to. So now I want to but in a bigger way. I want to go to New York City for the holidays but won't be able to this year but I sure hope in the near future.

[sorano]

Here we go... Each day brings us closer to fall and the holidays. The memories are gonna come in strong. I spent my favorite thanksgiving and Christmas time with her, it's not gonna be the same. I'm so dreading them getting closer

They will come strong . It will be tough. I also spent the best holidays with my ex. The beast I mean. Sometimes I wish my family would leave me alone during the holidays. Just want to be by myself this year. I don't want to be around all the fam this year. Sounds mean but I want my own Space this year.

[FTM042014]

I'm drastically better than I was a year ago. Even just a few months ago. I've come to terms with the fact that she's never coming back. And that she will probably marry him. And that she may have used me as a rebound between two different men.

 

But my current problem is constantly feeling like less of a man because she chose him. He won and I lost. It made me feel better to think that she is a relationship hopper and has serious issues. But if she's getting it right with him what does that say? It was me? She's doing with him everything she said she saw herself doing with me. There was no overlap between relationships or anything. She just moves to the next guy fast.

 

Today, like many days of late, I feel down because I couldn't keep her around. I couldn't make her see me as that guy for her. And the crazy part is I know she's messed up and isn't right for me! It's still really hard and here I am over a year out and still not over the pain fully. It's tiring and frustrating.

[Baileylovesloki]

I split up June 2016, it's a daily struggle. If I'm feeling good someone will bring my ex up.

 

The holidays ! My only family was her family. This is gonna be a tough Christmas.

But everything I need to cope is within me .

It's her loss.

[Trinity_84]

I was wondering if anyone who can read this post might help me clear something that's been on my mind for...well almost a year now. I'm just thinking about this now because I LOVE Halloween and I'm preparing for it now, and last year the experience was a bit...odd... and I can't shake the feeling. Can anyone help me?

 

Last year for Halloween I made my own costume. To be perfectly honest, it was awesome. I looked really good in it. I worked at a bar during Halloween night and everyone complimented me on it. There was a lady I met who kept praising my creativity telling me how awesome it was. After she said something like "you just look amazing I love it!!" my then boyfriend saw another girl's costume and literally went down on his knees and "praised" her (she was dressed up with one of those store-bought costumes, I had no issue with her, she looked great and she was someone I knew.) My ex was always a bit over-dramatic and expressive, so I wasn't surprised that he did that....

 

What surprised me was that he never complimented me at all for mine. I confronted him about this when we got home. I think he said I overreacted and was being insecure.

The other day I even looked back at the pictures from that night and he had "liked" all of them except the ones of me showing off the costume! I didn't notice this last year...

 

Did I overreact? Would this bother anyone else? I know it's so long ago now that it shouldn't bother me, but for some reason it still does. I just want someone to tell me I wasn't wrong for feeling like **** about that. Or that I am wrong and I was acting insecure and silly. Why would a boyfriend do this? Maybe he didn't like my costume at all?

 

I am trying to process the fine line between "insecurity" and "instinct". And that evening I felt completely neglected by my ex.

Ugh. I don't know why this still bothers me!

Edited September 18, 2016 by Trinity_84

[sooshi]

Trinity,

 

I don't think you overreacted. You put a lot of effort into it, and it was something you really loved doing. It was a big achievement for you. Even if he didn't like it, he could have alluded to your awesome creativity and efforts.

 

Perhaps he was envious of your ability to produce something so magnificent, and it caused him to feel insecure.

 

It would have bothered me as well, so you're not alone.

[Trinity_84]

Trinity,

 

I don't think you overreacted. You put a lot of effort into it, and it was something you really loved doing. It was a big achievement for you. Even if he didn't like it, he could have alluded to your awesome creativity and efforts.

 

Perhaps he was envious of your ability to produce something so magnificent, and it caused him to feel insecure.

 

It would have bothered me as well, so you're not alone.

 

Thank you. The weird thing is that he always used to praise my creativity, I am sure my talent was one of the main reasons he liked me in the first place.

 

Weird... that whole experience was weird!

[SixxChick]

They will come strong . It will be tough. I also spent the best holidays with my ex. The beast I mean. Sometimes I wish my family would leave me alone during the holidays. Just want to be by myself this year. I don't want to be around all the fam this year. Sounds mean but I want my own Space this year.

 

I don't have fam. But, it's weird. I have gravitated toward a church where the people are way cool. I'm not joining a cult, or anything. But I can't ignore the fact that I keep going back. They even showed up to put together a project for my best friend.

 

Regarding the holidays, I hope that you will not be alone. Leave a post and I will watch for you.

[Bialy]

Last year, I spent the holidays solo and it was glorious. No holiday travel, no traffic. Pure relaxation mode.

 

This, year, though, I think I'll be hanging with my parents.

[Nowty V]

I did a Garden for one of my old customers, she is a lovely old dear and about to turn the corner I think, asking the same question over and over.

 

My ex helped me over the 4 years we were together, If I had to knock off a garden for someone she would come along and enjoyed the experience.

 

Yesterday was a trial, the garden is amazing and I've always enjoyed being there, these days I have a free reign over the planting and stuff as the customer can't get out and do anything any more.

 

However, every 10 minutes she was calling me in for a cup of tea, liking the company and chat. No matter how many times I answered the question it was "where's ex" "where is she now"....

 

Feel awful today, yesterday I was full of joy and confident for the future, today I keep slipping into wondering where ex is and what she's about, even though I know it's no matter.... sigh

[Protec]

Some of you may know my story, some may not.

 

But again today is a worse day. I mean, why we cannot just separate in a good way? This breakup has lasted for 3 months...

 

And again we had nice day with her at monday. And then 2 days later again she starts blaming me and everything.

 

Why we cannot leave it to the nice day? We had fun. We made sushi. We had some wine. She said about how she never wants to lose me as a friends and i am so much fun and whatever...

 

And then she says all kinds of evil things and dissappears. leaving me wondering again what on earth happened.

 

I would like to keep her in my life in some way...but i keep thinking why? Because i cannot be just her friend. I know i want to touch her, feel her, be close.

 

And if i am just a friend i can never do those things anymore. So i am just teasing myself.

 

I just wonder why i think that way? What is it in her that makes me think so highly of her? After all we have done to each other, we still enjoyed a nice night...smiled and laughed like 2 lovers, but not together anymore.

 

What is it? What has kept us still "together" after 3 months after breakup?

 

She has dated new guys, etc. still she called ME when she was drunk. She told me that i was her "soulmate".

 

Days are going...my feelings are sailing back and forth. This has been the hardest breakup of my life because i had so strong feelings towards that woman.

 

I still feel she was my soulmate. She was almost my exact opposite, but still it always felt she was just like me. I have honestly never felt anything like that in my life and even after 8 months of knowing her i still think what it was.

 

Ever since i met her i felt different with her. I felt like home. I felt like i had known that person my whole life. She felt familiar, safe. Everything in her was perfect. From her looks to her voice, even her scent was perfect. Nothing in her annoyed me, well, at least not physically.

 

I have never felt like that when i am close to someone. This is why i am having hard time letting go. Because i have seriously never felt like that in my life. I have had strong feelings towards someone of course but this is somehow different.

 

I can't put it into words.

 

I am just sad i lost such a special woman.

[Deadmeat]

Some of you may know my story, some may not.

 

But again today is a worse day. I mean, why we cannot just separate in a good way? This breakup has lasted for 3 months...

 

And again we had nice day with her at monday. And then 2 days later again she starts blaming me and everything.

 

Why we cannot leave it to the nice day? We had fun. We made sushi. We had some wine. She said about how she never wants to lose me as a friends and i am so much fun and whatever...

 

And then she says all kinds of evil things and dissappears. leaving me wondering again what on earth happened.

 

I would like to keep her in my life in some way...but i keep thinking why? Because i cannot be just her friend. I know i want to touch her, feel her, be close.

 

And if i am just a friend i can never do those things anymore. So i am just teasing myself.

 

I just wonder why i think that way? What is it in her that makes me think so highly of her? After all we have done to each other, we still enjoyed a nice night...smiled and laughed like 2 lovers, but not together anymore.

 

What is it? What has kept us still "together" after 3 months after breakup?

 

She has dated new guys, etc. still she called ME when she was drunk. She told me that i was her "soulmate".

 

Days are going...my feelings are sailing back and forth. This has been the hardest breakup of my life because i had so strong feelings towards that woman.

 

I still feel she was my soulmate. She was almost my exact opposite, but still it always felt she was just like me. I have honestly never felt anything like that in my life and even after 8 months of knowing her i still think what it was.

 

Ever since i met her i felt different with her. I felt like home. I felt like i had known that person my whole life. She felt familiar, safe. Everything in her was perfect. From her looks to her voice, even her scent was perfect. Nothing in her annoyed me, well, at least not physically.

 

I have never felt like that when i am close to someone. This is why i am having hard time letting go. Because i have seriously never felt like that in my life. I have had strong feelings towards someone of course but this is somehow different.

 

I can't put it into words.

 

I am just sad i lost such a special woman.

 

You have no idea how your words closely resemble my situation. I cried reading it. I'm crying as I type this now.

 

I have no words of wisdom for you unfortunately. Only that there is someone else out there that understands what you are feeling.

 

Treat yourself well my friend. I do believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Bialy]

Yay. I did something I regret. :-|

 

Now that I'm moving into a new direction and before I go any further, I sent my ex this email to clear the air that I'm not angry or anything. It never worked out, but over the years we have always said we are simpatico on a fundamental level. We have so many overlapping interests, it's absurd. And he was my first love.

 

No matter where we both are in life, you will always hold a place in my heart, Ray. Truly and deeply. I love you in ways that most people will never comprehend or ever experience in their life.

 

I hope one day we can chat as friends and catch up on how our lives are shaping up.

 

I apologize for breaking No Contact, but I wanted you to know this. No response necessary at all.

 

I don't want a response back. I regret sending it a bit. I don't expect to see or ever hear from him for at least 5+ years - I hope that is implied by "I hope one day..."

 

Blah. Whatever. Yeah, I should not have sent that. I just want to know I'm moving forward, but won't forget the impact he has had on my life (for better or worse).

[Wuku]

Yay. I did something I regret. :-|

 

Now that I'm moving into a new direction and before I go any further, I sent my ex this email to clear the air that I'm not angry or anything. It never worked out, but over the years we have always said we are simpatico on a fundamental level. We have so many overlapping interests, it's absurd. And he was my first love.

 

No matter where we both are in life, you will always hold a place in my heart, Ray. Truly and deeply. I love you in ways that most people will never comprehend or ever experience in their life.

 

I hope one day we can chat as friends and catch up on how our lives are shaping up.

 

I apologize for breaking No Contact, but I wanted you to know this. No response necessary at all.

 

I don't want a response back. I regret sending it a bit. I don't expect to see or ever hear from him for at least 5+ years - I hope that is implied by "I hope one day..."

 

Blah. Whatever. Yeah, I should not have sent that. I just want to know I'm moving forward, but won't forget the impact he has had on my life (for better or worse).

 

 

I wish my ex would contact me. At least I think I do. One of the hardest things I find is not having that friendship anymore. I still have things happen that, for a split second I think "oh I'll tell her that", before I realise how stupid that is. She seems to not want to be friends, and that is her choice. And if she is with someone else, then maybe contact wouldn't be a good idea. I just miss my best friend.