How are you coping today?

[PLT]

Hi.. apologies if you've already mentioned previously but have you undergone any therapy for this? Sounds like PTSD for sure and would def help to speak with someone.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.. sounds a bit like my situation though without the abuse.. more like I'm in my mid 30s and this relationship has hit me harder than the rest.. maybe because I blame myself for it's demise.

 

Just think that you've made it this far and therefore you know you CAN get through the days. Stay strong.

 

Sounds like you def need a time-out in some way though. Take care of yourself

 

Thanks again. Yeah I've been referred to a psychiatrist lol. I think just having the doctor sort of confirm what friends and family have been telling me for months has lifted a big weight off my shoulders. It doesnt really feel real. I had suspected emotional abuse for a while but I minimized it, made excuses for it, blamed myself for angering her and so on. Having a professional take it seriously makes it more real, if that makes sense.

 

I do have the odd glimmer of hope. I few minutes here, a few minutes there where I can see a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel. Where my rational mind makes a small breakthrough and I have that fleeting clarity that it will all be ok, sooner or later, and that I am better off without her. It doesnt last long, but hopefully with help from the pros that light can slowly get bigger and bigger.

 

I think I am very empathetic, compassionate, caring, giving, open, trusting, and understanding. She used those things against me in the most mind bendingly cruel ways. Stuff that would make your toes curl. Stuff I told her about my life that you just do not, under any circumstances, use to score a cheap shot. It makes me so sad that this woman, that I 100% believed was the sweetest, kindest human being I had ever met has done all that she has, and doesnt give a damn that she has done it.

 

I'm not perfect, and have never pretended to be. I try to recognise my flaws and try to understand what causes those flaws and then try to address them. She lives in an "I'm a perfect little princess" bubble. A 43 year old, but it felt like interacting with a 5 year old sometimes.

[thespacey1]

Hi, and thank you so much.

 

I've had 2 divorces (I'm in my 40s) and other 3 other long term (over 18 months) relationships, this one included. I think back and none of them have hit me like this. By this point, I was able to start thinking about the positive possibilities, start thinking about myself. This one is different. Very different. I don't think ive ever felt so pathetic, helpless and powerless.

 

I suspect it was an abusive relationship, as did the doctor. I am displaying all the symptoms of trauma bonding. I say I suspect because I have been questioning my own sanity, my own reality, for so long now, that I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to ground myself. No matter how many times I hear it from friends and family, it just wont sink in. A fully grown 6ft, 14 stone man being intimidated, bullied, belittled and abused by a 5ft 4 tiny woman. Not physically, although I suspect that may have been the next step.

 

I just don't know what's real anymore.

PLT,

I get where you're coming from. Trauma bonding is real and the people who are emotionally abusive have deeper insecurities than we may be able to fathom... Your ex needs help and so do we, after being in love with "them".

 

I've never been married, but was engaged to my ex. That's the issue that brought me here. I sometimes feel like he thought my engagement ring (which was beautiful; would keep me in place and silent.) Other than that I was in about 3 long term relationships prior to him and several short term relationships in between. My girlfriends tease me saying that I should cheer up because I'll probably meet a man when I go put gasoline in my car... I'll admit I'm rarely single, until now. And i don't have a problem meeting men, but i don't want just any man..... Even now i was seeing another guy shortly after my ex-fiance but I wasn't really into him. And I'm also admit that, even though I'm heart broken because I CHOSE to leave my ex, I know deep firm in my heart he was not there right man for me. He was giving of himself and THINGS, but he felt that made him entitled to be in control or have some kind of power over me. I wouldn't go along with that and he knew it. It infuriated him because everybody else around him was either in his pockets or intimidated by him for several reasons. Me, I'm always going against the grain especially when I'm treated like property and by a little hot tempered boy in a grown man's body.

 

Like you PLT, none... I mean NONE of my break ups have hit me like this or taken this long to get over. I'm usually good after about a month or two. ------but this time it's been a little over a year. I've never experienced anything like this in my life and it scares me. I don't know if I'll ever snap out of it and if so, will there be any negative residual effects? I may have to do a serious career change. I'm unstable right now. Can't sleep well, antisocial and I find it VERY hard to bite my tongue these days. If not, I'll remove myself to prevent cussing someone out. I'm always direct, but I have even less patience now for B.S.

 

PLT, I think we'll all be OK... Those of us who are struggling emotionally. However, we just have to ignore people trying to force us to SPEED up healing time... "Just get out there"...." Just be happy "... all that b.s. that really gets on my nerves. Some people are clueless about what to say to someone who's grieving. I suggest that just shut the h*ll up, rather than feeding me a bunch of crap when they don't live in my skin or walk in my shoes.

 

....... Ok, I feel a little better now. Whew!

[The_Dork_Lard]

Last week I'd hit a nice clear spell, where after a turbulent emotional weekend I felt more moved on, and I was going for 3 or 4 hours without thinking about her at times.

 

But the last 2 days I've moved back into a heavy place, where my mind feels saturated by her again. Sentimental, missing her, urges to contact her, mental images of her completely moved on and having all that fantastic sex with other new partners. I've even begun getting that knotted churning feeling in my stomach - that's the first time I've felt that in this breakup, which has been 8 1/2 months now. I've wept 3 or 4 times in the last 24 hours too.

 

It's weird how as the months have passed, I've got worse. The pattern of this breakup is the reverse of all my others.

 

Anyway, time shall heal.

Edited April 6, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard

[blue_daisy]

2 months since. Can't stop thinking about him, all the good days and the bad, the things that may happen if I were to do things differently, the plans that we have made before the breakup that couldn't be fulfilled, the days when I needed him and he was there to cheer me up, the days where I just snuggled with him wishing that those days would last forever. Gone, all gone.

 

I have decided to accept all of this and move on. I wish I could leave this place and go to another place to start anew. I will carry this heartache until enough time has passed.

[PLT]

PLT,

I get where you're coming from. Trauma bonding is real and the people who are emotionally abusive have deeper insecurities than we may be able to fathom... Your ex needs help and so do we, after being in love with "them".

 

I've never been married, but was engaged to my ex. That's the issue that brought me here. I sometimes feel like he thought my engagement ring (which was beautiful; would keep me in place and silent.) Other than that I was in about 3 long term relationships prior to him and several short term relationships in between. My girlfriends tease me saying that I should cheer up because I'll probably meet a man when I go put gasoline in my car... I'll admit I'm rarely single, until now. And i don't have a problem meeting men, but i don't want just any man..... Even now i was seeing another guy shortly after my ex-fiance but I wasn't really into him. And I'm also admit that, even though I'm heart broken because I CHOSE to leave my ex, I know deep firm in my heart he was not there right man for me. He was giving of himself and THINGS, but he felt that made him entitled to be in control or have some kind of power over me. I wouldn't go along with that and he knew it. It infuriated him because everybody else around him was either in his pockets or intimidated by him for several reasons. Me, I'm always going against the grain especially when I'm treated like property and by a little hot tempered boy in a grown man's body.

 

Like you PLT, none... I mean NONE of my break ups have hit me like this or taken this long to get over. I'm usually good after about a month or two. ------but this time it's been a little over a year. I've never experienced anything like this in my life and it scares me. I don't know if I'll ever snap out of it and if so, will there be any negative residual effects? I may have to do a serious career change. I'm unstable right now. Can't sleep well, antisocial and I find it VERY hard to bite my tongue these days. If not, I'll remove myself to prevent cussing someone out. I'm always direct, but I have even less patience now for B.S.

 

PLT, I think we'll all be OK... Those of us who are struggling emotionally. However, we just have to ignore people trying to force us to SPEED up healing time... "Just get out there"...." Just be happy "... all that b.s. that really gets on my nerves. Some people are clueless about what to say to someone who's grieving. I suggest that just shut the h*ll up, rather than feeding me a bunch of crap when they don't live in my skin or walk in my shoes.

 

....... Ok, I feel a little better now. Whew!

 

Hi spacey and thank you so much for your perspective and experience.

The control thing, it makes everything different doesn't it? I mean, I've had ex's that tried to control to a certain extent, like jealousy if you talk to another female, or have any female friends (who are married to your male friends!), but none have exerted as much control over my thoughts, values, feelings and emotions as J did. It wasn't overnight either, even though it seems like it was at times. It was a long, slow and steady process. She slowly wore away every single one of my boundaries.

 

I could never meet her ridiculous expectations, and if I ever did, then the expectation would then change. She wanted someone who was "compliant" (her actual words), but also someone who "has balls". I mean, thats kinda crazy making right there because the 2 are complete opposite. Either you want someone who will let you treat them like dirt and not say anything about it, or you want someone who will stand up to you. You can't have it both ways. This attitude had me flip flopping constantly from trying to appease her, to trying to reason with her, to trying to stand up for myself. Of course, whichever I did was the wrong one, in her eyes.

 

She is beautiful, a real looker. She has this demeanor that she is kind, sweet, innocent, and doesn't have a bad bone in her body. Her friends and family think that I'm the crazy one. Maybe I am, but she has made me that way.

 

You know what I did yesterday? I messaged her basically all day. Getting all my anger out, all my confusion, all my questions (that I know will never be answered), and even flat out said "You abused me." It ended with me saying that despite the abuse, I will always have certain cherished memories of our time together, like our open air shakespeare theatre outing, or our trip to Cornwall last august. I felt a little bit crazy doing it, but my thinking was that if she really didn't want to hear from me, its easy enough to block me and stop the messages in their tracks. She still hasn't blocked me, but I got no response at all. Nothing. I did say that if she ever accepts what she has done, and gets help to deal with it, that I would support her. And I would.

 

Today, even after the doctors, I'm asking myself "Was I really abused by this woman that I thought was the most incredible human being I had ever met? Is it all in my head, and I'm just "too sensitive"? Did I just misunderstand her?" because I'm finding it almost impossible to reconcile the Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde that she seems to be able to flip between at the flick of a switch. Just like she dumped me at the roadside and left me for dead (metaphorically) at the flick of a switch.

 

I'm falling behind on my study (Mature student, doing an Astronomy degree ) so I really need to get my head in gear and crack on with it. The odd part is that SHE inspired me to finally follow my dream and start this degree. Again, it's impossible to reconcile the almost completely different 2 people she seemed to be.

[thespacey1]

Today, even after the doctors, I'm asking myself "Was I really abused by this woman that I thought was the most incredible human being I had ever met? Is it all in my head, and I'm just "too sensitive"?...

 

Hey, you're welcome. This part of your post I wanted to point out because I think it's a big challenge to get passed when you've really been involved in an abusive relationship. Yes the abuse makes the huge difference and I still feel weird saying that,i.e. abuse.

 

What resignates with me from your post is you saying she wanted you to have balls but still wanted you to do what she wanted you to do all the time. Similarly, I'm a pretty strong individual... A tough gal, so to speak. My ex was a batsh*t crazy bully... But he put on the face for certain people in my family like he was this calm/mild mannered man all the time but I knew the truth and so did my family eventually. his family even told me about how angry he gets. So they definitely knew how angry he could get, but I'm not sure if they would ever admit to him being abusive per se. And to be clear, he never put his hands on me

 

>my family would notice how when we were all together or around other people, he would rarely look them in the eye. Instead he would keep his eyes fixated on me, even if he was talking to them and even if I was talking to someone other than him. It was really weird.

>once when he called me and I didn't pick up because I was finishing up a project with a co-worker of mine, he got a bit suspicious... Borrowed a car from one of his friends..... Followed me to the site where we were working..... Then picked me up in that car as soon as I got home. So I had no idea who he was, he didn't say he'd be picking me up in a different car but he was acting strange... Kind of quiet and moody. When we got to the restaurant we were going to be gets quiet again, goes to the bathroom then seems even more upset one he comes out. So he finally starts saying how he disapproved of me not locking up his call and working late with my coworker who happened to be a guy... Younger guy. ....... When we got back in the car, my ex soon started shouting at me with animated hands and everything saying he didn't want me alone with any men.... "Your MY woman!!" Shouting to the top of his lungs nearly. I almost thought his next move could've been hitting me but he didn't. He got pretty quiet because he'd scared me. He was so upset , I'd never had any man tell at me like that in my life. Not even my Dad.

 

I defended myself in a calm manner but I ended up wondering if he was mad that I was working late or that I was working late with a guy. I think it's the latter. He eventually admitted to bring a bit jealous that night... My thought "a bit?????... How about a whole hell of a lot!" And a borderline monster might I add.

 

The problem with my situation, was that I would not "stay" silent. Once he was done with his tantrums I would down my piece and I refused to always stay silent. I would talk "sh*t* back to him sometimes especially if I was fed up. Then I started realizing that he really was much bigger and stronger than me and I didn't want to get into any physical altercation with him. W one I realized I started silencing myself to keep the peace, I knew it was time for me to leave him.

 

I'm not the type to stay silent. I soak up for myself and others when things aren't right. So being with him long term would've driven me completely crazy. He put an expensive engagement ring in my finger that I think he thought should've kept me in place, so to speak but it didn't because I'm not phased my material things. Yes I loved him but I loved myself too.

 

PLT, when unreasonable people realize they can't control you, I really believe they almost lose it, do to speak... As did my ex and possibly yours. My ex has a violent background though, which should have made me more fearful, but I wasn't... That's how I knew I needed to remove myself from the relationship... It was like I didn't realize the seriousness of my situation until ae otwork individuals was say so and I started having difficulties functioning properly for work and sleep started to be extremely difficult, meaning I was rarely well rested. And he seemed to sleep just fine. I knew I had to leave him...

 

I still feel guilty sometimes because some people, including him off course think I should've tried to work things out especially after he proposed and I said yes. Thing is, after I said yes is when he started to really show his true colors.

[thespacey1]

Deciding to try and have a productive day and not think about him. Took the day off. Was on my way to the gym, motivated and still am, but as I drive down the street from my place, I could've sworn I saw him driving in the direction of my place(opposite lane of me. I didn't stare because I felt no, it couldn't be him. Plus I had this weird feeling conf over me.

 

(I'm not saying he's stalking me by any means, although I have had two ex's stalk me. One whom I had to take to court &got a protective order against) .Anyhoo, if it was him(recent ex) he sure had the same expression he had on his face when he last walked toward me when we last saw each other(big smile,only then, he was smiling really big. When I "think" I saw him this this time, if it was him, he was half smiling like a smirk, as if to saw "wow, there she is...").

 

But then again, my mind could be playing tricks on me. Wish I hadn't seen this person who was possibly him. Now I'm trying double time, to refocus...

[Rachel39]

I'm feeling so sad I jut want my relationship back .... We were ment to meet yesterday for me to collect my stuff and said he couldn't make it and could I do tmrw.

 

I said it would suit me better and is the same time ok he has never got back to me... Im really struggling to move on it's been 3 months and I guess I haven't even tried as I was wanting to speak to him before I did.

 

We had planned a future together we are nearly 40 I never thought I would be going through this again at my age.... The worst ting is I have so much going for me but I'm too wrapped up in this grief that I can't see it.

 

Maybe he didn't deserve my love maybe he didn't deserve me but it takes me so long to trust and fall in love with some one and when I do I'm possibly too loyal

[PLT]

I'm feeling so sad I jut want my relationship back .... We were ment to meet yesterday for me to collect my stuff and said he couldn't make it and could I do tmrw.

 

I said it would suit me better and is the same time ok he has never got back to me... Im really struggling to move on it's been 3 months and I guess I haven't even tried as I was wanting to speak to him before I did.

 

We had planned a future together we are nearly 40 I never thought I would be going through this again at my age.... The worst ting is I have so much going for me but I'm too wrapped up in this grief that I can't see it.

 

Maybe he didn't deserve my love maybe he didn't deserve me but it takes me so long to trust and fall in love with some one and when I do I'm possibly too loyal

 

I'm there with you Rachel. I too take a long time to fully open up to someone. When you finally do, and you then get stabbed in the heart, it hurts all the more.

I keep telling myself she doesn't deserve my love, and that someone out there DOES deserve it, and will treat my heart better, but it feels like I'm lying to myself.

There is no such thing as too loyal, in my opinion. It's a great quality, but one that allows you to get hurt. Don't get me wrong, I kinda feel the same way. I'm too trusting, too open, too empathetic. But these are qualities, not faults.

 

Dont let this man change your qualities.

[Cooper04]

What just happened?

 

I felt so good over the weekend, and really thought I'd turned a corner. Wasn't missing her, was thinking about and meeting other girls.

Then got sick on wednesday, spent 2 days alone at home with my thoughts and BAM! Just had this overwhelming feeling of loss and loneliness all day.

 

It's such a rollercoaster. I've had longer relationships and more serious relationships and there have certainly been girls I loved more than this one.

Yet, the pain and confusion from this breakup is like nothing I've had before.

I just don't get it..

[thespacey1]

Not that good. I'm so glad this thread was created, because each day is inexplicably different....

 

Cooper04 I totally relate. Just yesterday I was fine. Today I've been real sad and passing by places I went with him. My continuous mantra is that I'm moving away from where I am now. It's too sad and filled with too many memories.

 

Plus, on days I feel like going around not my best (looking or feeling) I don't wanna think about possibly running into my ex... That's one of the worst feelings... I'm comfortable in my skin and even chilling... Not having to be dolled up all the time,but I'm in a depression right now and my pride won't let me go around looking too bad ,but I'm just not ready to bump into my ex. I hate that feeling...

[PLT]

Better. A little.

 

I had my phone assessment with the psychiatry people today and they said they can help, and they also put me in touch with a local domestic abuse charity. Feels so weird. Even though I fully recognise she was abusive, it really doesn't feel real. Maybe I've had my perception and feelings invalidated for so long that I'm now doing it to myself. If I'm completely honest, I'm ashamed that I allowed this to happen to me. 44 years old and completely naive it seems.

 

I had a good long chat with the charity, and they are putting me in touch with their male outreach worker. What really did help was someone who doesn't know me, isnt friend or family, validating that it WAS indeed an abusive, manipulative relationship. Confirming that yes, the things she said are really odd things to say, that it really isn't the sort of thing you'd say to someone you cared about. That how it all panned out is the way "they" work.

 

They also made me see that she is loving the messages from me and having that power to keep ignoring me, keeping me "stuck". She is getting off on it, while likely now doing and saying exactly the same **** to someone else as she said and did to me, in the beginning when I was amazing and she'd spent her whole life looking for me and so on and so on. I'm out of the picture so the mask can go back on.

 

I'm also starting to realise that it would never get any better. Even if she knocked at my door, saying "I'm so sorry, I know what I did, I take full responsibility", eventually things would go back to how they have been recently, because THAT is who she really is, and I deserve better than that.

 

Still doesn't help the feeling of loss, but at least I'm starting to get a tiny bit of perspective on it all.

[kat2008]

Good for you PLT - i have read a lot of your posts, and it's just good to see that you are reaching out for help and gaining some insight into things. Wish you luck!

[thespacey1]

I'm glad forn yoU PLT!

 

You're headed in the right direction. Do keep us posted on your progress. I'm sure it would help others, well me anyway.

 

I have an appt soon as well. I hope they actually want to hear my story,at least part of it and don't try to just put meds in my face. I will end of walking out if I don't feel they respect my issue or right to choose psychotherapy over medication, if that's possible during my progress and treatment...

 

Again glad you're doing a bit better.one day at a time.....

[Raina314]

Much better today. Feeling totally great and ready to move on. As usual though, hesitant to say that with too much certainty because I've felt this before and ended up relapsing a day later. Maybe if I can get through like, 2 weeks feeling more like this I'll actually start believing it.

[TimmyC]

Feeling better than day one. I still miss her but I'm starting to get my life back slowly and recognize that she wasn't any good for me. It makes me emotional to say this but I'm so glad that I'm still here breathing, that I didn't die from my attempt...because I'm here to be able to offer peole advice that may be going through what I am. And all though it may seem small it has given me a purpose. And maybe one day I can save a life like you guys have done for me. <3

[PLT]

I'm not going to deny it. Today I'm finding my mind drifting towards the physical side of our relationship. The physical intimacy and the sex. I haven't really thought about that over the past couple of months. I've been so caught up in trying to make sense of the senseless, and of missing her company when she wasn't being nasty that the last thing on my mind was sex.

 

There's a war going on inside my head. Part of me thinks the only way to get over her is to get under another. Another part of me doesn't want to be with anyone but her. Part of me wants to get back in the saddle and meet new women. Another part of me finds that terrifying. Part of me doesn't want to let go, another part knows I have to.

 

When I started seeing this woman, she was insecure, unsure of herself. I was happy in my own skin and generally confident, easy going and laid back. For 3 and a half years I told her how beautiful she was, how amazing and wonderful I thought she was. Now, its her that's full of herself, and me that's unsure of myself, with the confidence drained out of me.

 

The week ahead could be interesting. I should be hearing back from the psych people, and also from the charity outreach dude. The other day when I spoke to them both, I was so sure that this woman was totally bad for me. Now that seems to have slipped and I want to see her face and her smile again. Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. Forgetting, or minimizing all the truly horrible things she said, and did, especially since October. I just keep going back to before that, the other 3 years where she made me believe that she didn't want to ever be without me, that she cared about me, that she loved me.

 

As she wouldn't give me any closure, I took it for myself. I sent her a long email / letter, just giving my perspective on where it went wrong, apologizing for my part in the breakdown, told her all the things I miss, and how at one time it was so right. I ended by saying that I will now let go, not contact her again, and I won't be waiting around for her to come back to me any longer, but if she ever wants to talk, she knows how to get hold of me. I did talk about the mistreatment, and that what she did I will never understand, but I think overall it was balanced. I didn't write it in anger.

 

I know this goes against conventional wisdom, but I sent it yesterday, and don't feel bad about it. Like I said it's me giving myself the closure she denied me. It was the first step in the long process of truly letting go.

[Raina314]

As predicted, back to relapsing less than 24 hours after my good day. I even cracked and looked at his facebook profile for the first time in months and had a good cry. But then my favorite teacher from high school who I haven't seen in years sent me a friend request and I immediately felt better and am now ready to continue going about my day. It was just so reassuring that someone I respected and admired so much still remembers me as I was before I became this heartbroken shell of myself. It reminded me that that person is still in me somewhere waiting to come out again. What an odd experience this all is :/. Can't seem to pin down any pattern to it at all.

 

I'm not going to deny it. Today I'm finding my mind drifting towards the physical side of our relationship. The physical intimacy and the sex. I haven't really thought about that over the past couple of months. I've been so caught up in trying to make sense of the senseless, and of missing her company when she wasn't being nasty that the last thing on my mind was sex.

 

^I feel you. It's really hard to shake. Normal adults think about/desire sex, and that doesn't change after a breakup, it just sucks because our last memories of sex are now painful because we got dumped. I've been struggling with this more than anything myself.

 

I know this goes against conventional wisdom, but I sent it yesterday, and don't feel bad about it. Like I said it's me giving myself the closure she denied me. It was the first step in the long process of truly letting go.

 

Hey, do whatever works for you. I know conventional wisdom is in fact 0 contact, but everyone's way of letting go is different, and if this helps you, then by all means don't feel bad about it. It's so hard to find ways to cope with this kind of loss, so if you find a way that works, embrace it.

Edited April 10, 2016 by Raina314

[The_Dork_Lard]

This week I had a really upsetting weepy few days. I missed her immensely! (8 1/2 months out of a 6 1/2 year relationship).

 

Then, for the last 2 days I found myself thinking of her on and off, and not particularly fondly either. I had to question whether I'd actually got over her, because I felt a little indifferent.

 

Then yesterday some energizing waves of anger for an hour or so, and the feeling that if she suddenly contacted me, I'd be like "no way! leave me alone"

 

But today I've slipped back to a state half way between longing and indifference. I'm incredibly sexually frustrated too, but I know anybody else will just remind me of her, so I'm dealing with that too.

 

It hurts a lot knowing she's moved on and probably doesn't even think of me that much either, especially after promoting me to a godlike status for those 6 1/2 years. She just ripped it away because I couldn't satisfy her extreme nymphomania. She's probably enjoying a whole host of sexual partners, in her bed, all at my expense (I pay a lot of tax, she's defrauding the welfare system). So underlying the changing moods I described above is a continuous resentment that I support her life - a life I would like. She never suffers from fatigue from her job.

[TheSwanGirl]

I still wonder why I keep living.

[sorano]

Today was just filled with anger. I felt like I needed her in front of me and give her a piece of my mind. Tell her what she did, explain how messed up it was and why lie and drag me along. The anger was real today. No idea why I slipped today. I was trying to keep busy. Nothing worked.

 

I have to keep my no contact going and not break it. I will be strong. I just hate it when people dont know what they want, lie to you, say things and dont mean it, etc. I hate you.

[thespacey1]

I tried waiting for the entire day to go by before posting. So here I am.

 

Not the best day for me, at all. On top of the reason I'm in loveshack there was another conflict I had today with someone else. It triggers even more negative thoughts and emotions.

 

I'm not angry at my ex really, mainly because I left him for good reason. I would however, like to send him some sort of email saying how he shouldn't be so upset or cold with me. He knew his issues(I'm not perfect, but I didn't list control of my anger constantly) and refused to get help.

 

I just want to tell him that: as much as he felt that I may have left him for someone else or that I cheated,I didn't. Yes men noticed me, but it's not my fault! I feel like I wasted time trying to please you, only to now be stuck in this depressive state inclusive of sadness and guilt. I did appreciate you in many ways, but in some ways you really did suck! I was willing to grow with you, but I had to leave you in order to take care of my sanity.

 

(I did say the last part to him before we parted ways, but not the rest)

 

God! If you hear me PLEASE take away this pain and guilt... PLEASE!!

[PLT]

Depressed again. I'm like a flipping yo-yo.

 

Fell asleep thinking about things I probably should not think about, but when these things just come into your head, you can't undo it. Woke up feeling awful. Still asking myself the pointless questions, how could something so right turn out so wrong? She was so unique, maybe I should have put up with all the double standards and anger and irrational jealousy. I know that's not rational but it's how I feel today. I'll never meet anyone like her. She restored my faith in women, in love, and now she's broken it again. I just feel that what we had, I'll never find again.

 

It kills me thinking about her, how she's been able to just brush off so much time and carry on as normal. I sometimes wish I could be so devoid of emotion.

[andie1969]

I've felt good the past week or so, but am feeling a lot of anxiety today. I'm having a hard time accepting that I'll never see him again (unless we run into each other somewhere), and that he obviously has no problem moving on since he hasn't reached out to me. It's been over 5 weeks since the break up, 6 weeks since we've seen each other. I just keep getting these overwhelming waves of panic and struggle to breathe. I feel SO lonely and am terrified I will be alone for the rest of my life. How can I mean so little to him??

[icyfeline]

Every time I feel it's getting better I feel worse again. I wish I could stop thinking about him for 5 minutes.