How are you coping today?

[sickoflove11]

Another morning waking up thinking about him. I just want to be back where I was before he got me feeling anything for him. I wake up and don't feel myself anymore.

When will this go away?

I know he has no care in the world for me and can get another girl with his charm in a minute. And he'll do the same thing to her, but why me? Why did I fall for it. I did this to myself, I let him get what he wanted all along.

I don't regret it, I just thought it would change something. Anything.

I'm glad I don't have to see him much, but I know he's there. And at some point I will have to see his stupid charming face and act casual. He just ignores me now and it's uncomfortable. I wish it were like it was before.

Why does it have to be so different now?

[ZHguy]

Another episode. Realization of all that is going wrong. The depression, the loneliness, all that has gone wrong in the past eleven years. Starting with the loneliness.. I've been more and more regretting not keeping in contact with the only person I felt like I ever was close with. I was stupid. I've been becoming more aware that if I had kept in contact then nothing would have come as a result of it. I would still be lonely today. I've just been going off on tangents. It was all nonsense - my fantasizing about a possible scenario where everything would have been alright. It wouldn't have been alright.

 

No purpose of living. The only thing that's not keeping me from killing myself is my family. Who I don't even feel like I'm close to. No purpose of anything i'm doing in life. I have wanted something that has for too long felt like light years away.

[Wuku]

And I'm down again. Laying in bed trying to sleep, but feeling unhappy and lonely. Sad about my present, scared about my future without her. At least it comes in moments now, rather than constantly. I just get these sudden bouts of deep unhappiness.

 

And when I do sleep, I Keep dreaming about my ex, pretty normal I guess. But what's strange is, as the dream goes on she usually morphs into a previous ex, the mother of my daughter, and we split up 17 years ago! It's like it's my recent ex but wearing my previous ex's body. Weird, I know. Unresolved issues maybe? I don't think so, I'm well over that now. Maybe it's because it took me 2-3 years to get over it fully, and I think a lot of that was because of me worrying about some other bloke having the privilege of seeing my daughter grow up on a daily basis. I needn't have worried, my daughter and I have a great relationship. Just wonder why my dreams often end about her mum, I'm sure I loved my recent ex even more deeply than I did her. My recent ex is the only one always somewhere on my mind.

 

Maybe a piece of us always belongs to those we have truly loved. I just don't want to give away anymore pieces.

[thespacey1]

Another episode. Realization of all that is going wrong. The depression, the loneliness, all that has gone wrong in the past eleven years. Starting with the loneliness.. I've been more and more regretting not keeping in contact with the only person I felt like I ever was close with. I was stupid. I've been becoming more aware that if I had kept in contact then nothing would have come as a result of it. I would still be lonely today. I've just been going off on tangents. It was all nonsense - my fantasizing about a possible scenario where everything would have been alright. It wouldn't have been alright.

 

No purpose of living. The only thing that's not keeping me from killing myself is my family. Who I don't even feel like I'm close to. No purpose of anything i'm doing in life. I have wanted something that has for too long felt like light years away.

 

I feel very similar to you. I'm not sure of your narrative, but based on this post you broke up not very long ago... When exactly? Do you think it's ever possible you'll see or hear from her again? Would you even want to?

 

I'm female and was the dumper, but for legitimate reasons. I guess we all feel like we have legitimate reasons for ending relationships when/if we end them. It's been about a year &a half since post BU and I thought I'd be completely out of this fog by now, but I'm not. And although I've gone on a few dates since the BU, I've had dreams and still have thoughts of my ex. Been in therapy, switched jobs, been depressed, traveled, yet I'm still depressed and have idealize how things would be had I stayed with him. Did I make the right decision even if family & friends DO say that I did. I sometimes feel a sense of dread when I think that I could possibly run into him with another woman... I'm not ready for that. It's bad enough going places that we used to go. I typically don't realize it until I get there... Then I take a deep breathe and push the thoughts to the back of my mind and keep it moving, but it's not easy.

 

I'm tired and wonder what my purpose in life is now. No kids, no big time career (I'm thankful for my job but it's not enough to keep me from moving to another state or country) and no new serious relationship... So what is my purpose in life right now? Not just a purpose as in for someone else, but I need to be happy. I feel like I'm always doing what other people & family expect me to do . I feel like this might be my que to make a big move in my life like moving away some place else.

 

Maybe that's all you need? ...a change of scenery and change of speed in your everyday life.

 

Change/fresh starts are therapeutic and very necessary sometimes.

[thespacey1]

Today I'm ok. Yesterday was better because my energy level was higher. Today was blah... Hormones may have something to do with the ups and downs,I'm not sure.

 

I've found myself talking OUT LOUD to myself more the last few months. It's like when I'm driving or at home thinking of issues we had and things I'd say to him then and even now. And things I'd say to people who may have been disappointed in my lack of optimism.

 

I think I'm morphing into a different person. Someone who cares less and less about being accepted or doing the "right" thing. IMO the RIGHT thing is relative.

 

I sometimes wish I could have one more conversation with my ex again where he'd complain about me not calling him enough, not planning enough for us, not wearing big/loose clothes enough, whatever. I wish I had one more time to give him a piece of my mind without caring whether or not he stormed off like an immature a-hole. Although I know he loved me,I don't think he was prepared to be tested/challenged by me.I was not a "yes" woman and that infuriated him. I think he expected me to be less of an individual and more of a follower(of him). That will never be me...

 

Perhaps I'm having a breakthrough because I haven't been angry at him since the BU until the last 2-3 months. I've been feeling sad& guilty, but no anger toward him. Now though, pockets of anger then I'm fine and on to something else... And imagining being with someone better: nicer, less angry, less controlling, less fault finding, more mature(emotionally), more stable minded, less petty and less hypocritical.

 

This is where I am today.

Edited April 2, 2016 by thespacey1

[ZHguy]

I think I'm morphing into a different person. Someone who cares less and less about being accepted or doing the "right" thing. IMO the RIGHT thing is relative.

 

I sometimes wish I could have one more conversation with my ex again where he'd complain about me not calling him enough, not planning enough for us, not wearing big/loose clothes enough, whatever. I wish I had one more time to give him a piece of my mind without caring whether or not he stormed off like an immature a-hole. Although I know he loved me,I don't think he was prepared to be tested/challenged by me.I was not a "yes" woman and that infuriated him. I think he expected me to be less of an individual and more of a follower(of him). That will never be me...

.

This is where I am today.

 

I think in the inside we may be satisfied when somebody is expressing dissatisfaction of us, as if we feel better about ourselves since we are more important to others.

 

It's better to keep you away from those who try and drag you down behind their level. But woman, you're so far above him that it would take you a landslide to try and get behind his ass to be his 'follower'. Always know that in your head.

[dyna85]

I've been feeling really depressed. It's been an embarrassingly long time that I have been on this site, I feel. I am so grateful for this site because it instantly gives me a lift, to see all of the support here, yet I am just struggling to live my life and move on and not feel so down on myself. So many things have transpired over the last year and a half and I just feel so extremely low that it's like, no matter what I do, I can't lift myself. I try and I try, and I just keep falling flat.

 

When I was younger, I had so much hope and such a strong will, and I'm surprised at myself, that I can't seem to pick myself up despite really fighting to do so. Then again, am I really fighting to get better? I don't know if maybe I'm not making enough of an effort or something.

 

I know this probably comes across as self-pitying dribble and if I opened up to anyone close to me about how I still feel, they'd surely think I was nuts.

 

This is probably part of the problem, since when I was younger, I'd more freely open up to people, but now I feel like I can't. Therefore, I have so much suppressed and bottled up emotion that it's almost too hard to handle when I'm alone.

 

I just want to know how someone can discard you like you are nothing.

 

This is the one concept that continues to baffle me, and bring me to the lowest of lows. I want to be okay with it and accept it, and I try to be tough and act tough, but I feel so weak and sad because of it.

 

Then I compare myself to my friend who had someone discard him, to return 8.5 months later, and he's like 'well at least I got a response..' making me feel all the worse that I never did. Like I am nothing.

 

I know I have attachment issues and the problem lies with me that I'm still struggling to move past the hurt and disappointment and rejection and everything, but I feel like enough time has passed that I should be further along in my healing and I'm frustrated that I'm not.

 

I almost don't want to post this because I'm so embarrassed and don't want sympathy, because it's my problem and I have to deal with it, but I think it's good for me to do so because this is the only place I can fully open up and maybe not be as judged for feeling this way.

[icyfeline]

I'm just extremely sad. I try to do things to keep me busy, but then the reality of not having him in my life like before sets in & it hurts. I'll never understand for the life of me how people are capable of changing their feelings so quickly. It just confirms my belief that you can never know or trust anyone 100%.

Edited April 2, 2016 by icyfeline

[The_Dork_Lard]

I feel in this weird place.

 

I feel more over her the last few days than I ever have. I've become a little indifferent to her, and now imagine myself as properly single, able to do whatever I want to do. I've a newfound energy for me, and feel awesome about the opportunities that lay ahead with work, women, and... well, everything.

 

BUT, as perverse as this sounds, I'm weary of it. It's as if the grief I felt was addictive, and this sudden surge of acceptance has come too quickly, and the calm is slightly boring. I almost don't want it because suddenly.... I'm over her to a significant extent. To the extent that she's not the first thing I think of when waking. To the extent that I can be with my friends and family for several hours before she pops into my head. To the extent that I not only acknowledge where my failings were in the relationship, but that I'm at peace with them, and have learnt a lot about myself.

 

As weird as this sounds, I almost don't want to be over her... but I mostly am. I'm definitely halfway down the other side of the hill at least.

 

I'm glad, but sad that she no longer rouses me so deeply.

[PLT]

I'm still up and down. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing but lie in bed, think, cry, message her, think some more, cry some more. Today I feel a sad resignation that if she thought what we had was worth fighting for, she'd be fighting for it by now. If she wanted it to work, she'd be trying to make it work.

 

Instead I've had nothing. Complete silence now for 6 weeks, while I've been pouring my heart out and sharing my feelings with her via messenger, telling her how much I want "us" back, how it meant absolutely everything to me. Trying to get through to her that she meant more to me than I think she realises. I saw all the dark corners of her heart, and I still love her. In some ways I hope she never finds that again, so that she never forgets exactly what it is she threw away like rubbish.

 

Tomorrow will be 6 years to the day when we met.

 

But tonight, I'm going to see Muse live. I should be excited, but I'm terrified. She should be there with me

[Raina314]

I have to see the ex at a mutual friend's birthday party today :/. Nervous. The weird thing is that I used to feel worst when I first woke up in the morning, and over the course of the day I'd start to be able to manage the pain and feel a little better. But now it's the other way around. I wake up feeling like I don't care about him at all and thinking he sucks anyways, and then I feel more and more tenderly towards him throughout the day until I'm longing for him to come back again by the end of it :/. Idk what that means.

 

I feel in this weird place.

 

I feel more over her the last few days than I ever have. I've become a little indifferent to her, and now imagine myself as properly single, able to do whatever I want to do. I've a newfound energy for me, and feel awesome about the opportunities that lay ahead with work, women, and... well, everything.

 

BUT, as perverse as this sounds, I'm weary of it. It's as if the grief I felt was addictive, and this sudden surge of acceptance has come too quickly, and the calm is slightly boring. I almost don't want it because suddenly.... I'm over her to a significant extent. To the extent that she's not the first thing I think of when waking. To the extent that I can be with my friends and family for several hours before she pops into my head. To the extent that I not only acknowledge where my failings were in the relationship, but that I'm at peace with them, and have learnt a lot about myself.

 

As weird as this sounds, I almost don't want to be over her... but I mostly am. I'm definitely halfway down the other side of the hill at least.

 

I'm glad, but sad that she no longer rouses me so deeply.

 

I get that, oddly enough. The pain of heartbreak is a deep, raw emotion, and after coming out of it, everything else can feel weirdly shallow, because for better or for worse, it's not as intense. Love is intense. It makes you feel alive. And when you stop caring about it/feeling it, life can feel dull in comparison. But eventually you do adjust. It's all relative.

[The_Dork_Lard]

 

I get that, oddly enough. The pain of heartbreak is a deep, raw emotion, and after coming out of it, everything else can feel weirdly shallow, because for better or for worse, it's not as intense. Love is intense. It makes you feel alive. And when you stop caring about it/feeling it, life can feel dull in comparison. But eventually you do adjust. It's all relative.

 

Yes, it's as if the grief is part of the relationship. It's still a form of indirect relating. So to completely let go of grief is to completely let go of the relationship. Grieving the grief, ha ha - a sort of meta-grief!

[Raina314]

Yes, it's as if the grief is part of the relationship. It's still a form of indirect relating. So to completely let go of grief is to completely let go of the relationship. Grieving the grief, ha ha - a sort of meta-grief!

 

Exactly. To no longer be sad means that you no longer love them (in most cases), which is the total opposite of what you were going for the whole time you were with them. It makes sense that it twists your mind a bit (or a lot, as the case may be.)

[Rachel39]

Today I'm not good infact I haven't been good the last 3 months and I don't know how Iv made it to 3 months he won't talk to me at all .... We planned a future together nearly 40 and it's just gone ... I feel sick .... I know it will take time ....I don't want to do this again

 

It took me 5 years to get over my sons dad I completely trusted this man with my life and my sons and he's gone like we never exsisted I honestly don't know how I will be after this

[icyfeline]

I'm angry today. Why am I going out of my way to be nice to him when he's the one who left me. I hope you can find someone else who will put up with you as much as I did.

[TheSwanGirl]

I'm going through hell. It's been 64 days since our break up Two weeks of NC. He's still with her. Sometimes I just want to end my life. I don't see the point of living like this.

[Cora]

Not coping that great today. I was finally starting to move on from my ex. It's been ten months since he left me and I recently met a new guy who I've been dating. It's really helped to get my mind off of the ex. I've been the happiest I've been in a long while. We have only been on six dates, but tonight he tells me he can only offer me friendship. I am devastated. I feel silly for reading the signals all wrong. I got too attached too quickly. I'm just heartbroken all over again. :(

 

I now need a distraction from my distraction...

[thespacey1]

Feeling disconnected... from people and just life. I have no interest in being around others to engage in conversation. Perhaps this emotion will dissipate, but this is his I'm feeling today and the past months. Just don't feel like faking it.

 

I forced myself to engage in events with family& friends and work--- months ago and during my break up--- but nowadays and especially right now I feel like I'm spent and burnt out.

[keiji]

Two awful days (no contact since January 22nd). I was freeing space in my phone and accidentally found a picture of her (I was pretty sure I had deleted absolutely everything). I've gone from feeling quite well to a downward spiral again just for a silly picture. It's frustrating. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I saw her on the street. I don't even want to think of it.

[Rachel39]

I'm feeling sad, hurt just want our relationship back, I want him to tell me he want to try again! It's been 3 months what chance do I have if that ( none maybe)

 

I have to go to his to pick up my stuff tmrw eve and talk he's made it clear he doesn't want us and it won't work!

 

I need to get my stuff so I can close the door and move on now

[sickoflove11]

I was doing so well getting over you!! Why did you have to do that! Why did you text me in a group message with only one other person? Why even bother! Then when I sent you an individual text you act cold and like you weren't the one who initiated this. Now you're spinning around in my head again. I know you want nothing from me and I should want absolutely nothing from you!! You're the biggest jerk/a**hole why do you have to be so charming and attractive.

I will keep moving forward and get over you soon. I hate that you can make me feel this way and take away so much of me. I finally stopped waking up thinking about you or hoping you sent me a text over night. And now you've make me feel that way again so quickly. All those days that turned into nights that we texted back in the beginning really have me messed up now.

[PLT]

I'm losing it.

 

Muse were good on Sunday. Me and ex went to see them 3 and a half years ago, at the start of our relationship, so it was really, REALLY hard too. All through the day and night all I could think of was the image of the photos from that night in 2012.

 

I'm losing my mind. I keep thinking about ending it all. Anything to release me from this indescribable pain. I don't think I will act on it, but it scares the hell out me having these thoughts. I KNOW what happens to those left behind, I'm one of them!

 

I can't stop messaging her. I dread to think how many there are over the past 6 weeks. It's literally a diary for my unravelling. She refuses to block me.

 

I have a doctors appointment in a couple of hours, I can't go on like this any more. I'm having a complete breakdown

[brokendreams82]

I'm losing it.

 

Muse were good on Sunday. Me and ex went to see them 3 and a half years ago, at the start of our relationship, so it was really, REALLY hard too. All through the day and night all I could think of was the image of the photos from that night in 2012.

 

I'm losing my mind. I keep thinking about ending it all. Anything to release me from this indescribable pain. I don't think I will act on it, but it scares the hell out me having these thoughts. I KNOW what happens to those left behind, I'm one of them!

 

I can't stop messaging her. I dread to think how many there are over the past 6 weeks. It's literally a diary for my unravelling. She refuses to block me.

 

I have a doctors appointment in a couple of hours, I can't go on like this any more. I'm having a complete breakdown

 

Oh hun I'm totally there with you but as they say no matter how unbearable the pain is right now.. it IS only temporary and you will in time get out of this nightmare. Think back to a time when you've been here before with a past ex.. did you think the same then? I know I've been in this hole before a few times. After my first love, experiencing all this for the first time, I really thought I'd gone crazy and I wouldn't be able to snap out of it. If someone told me that was NOTHING compared to the later loves in my life then I wouldn't have believed them (unfortunately I'm going through this now with my recent ex ) I know it gets harder as you get older but you WILL get over this.

Don't go to concerts you guys went to in the past or any other thing that reminds you of her. You're just stalling your healing. I know it's so hard to let go and you want to do anything to hold on to those memories even if it hurts more afterwards but you have to think of YOURSELF now (as impossible as it is I know!! I'm there with you now).

Day by day, try to do something for yourself, start carving a new you little by little. Do some meditation at home for 10 minutes (youtube videos). You just have to force yourself to keep the wheels turning.. it's imperitive that you keep the wheels turning.

 

Honestly.. it may take a year or two to get over this one (sounds like it was a big one) but you know what you will look back on this day and think thankGod I didn't do anything stupid.

 

You'll be ok. Sounds like you need a complete change of world right now.. get out of the world you're in. If you have any holiday time or can take a few weeks sick... get out to another country for a week or two.. get in a different environment, use it as a bit of rehab time. Space for yourself in a calm tranquil new environment and just relax, read on a beach and reflect calmly.

Alternatively just impulsively go now and book into a volunteer programme abroad for a few weeks/month to take you out of the world you're currently in and distract you from everything. It's always worked for me. After my first break up I decided to move to NYC (from the UK) for a few months and volunteer on a film production. I ended up staying for 9 months (not illegally just like to add! as a visitor) It really did save my life and lifted me to another level. Don't get me wrong when I came home I still head healing to do but I was def out of that black pit of despair I was in before I left.

 

Sounds like this has really hit you hard and you really need to take some time out for you to just give you some head space/complete distraction for a little while. If you really are feeling suicidal. Get some perspective and FORCE yourself to lift out of it.

 

You will cause more pain for your family and friends if you do end it all. Be strong (as hard as it is) and think about them. You don't want the pain of this relationship to spread into a whole group of other people do you? You need to fight it and diminish it within yourself. Don't let this beat you.

 

You need to stop messaging her and all contact go No Contact immediately and just plan something to do.

 

Just saying all this as I wish I'd done the same straight away after a BU many times, would have been so much easier.

 

Take it hour by hour, day by day for now and look after yourself, keep warm and as much as you can take your mind of your ex and def no contact with her. Start day 1 NC today. YOU CAN DO IT!!

 

x

[PLT]

Oh hun I'm totally there with you but as they say no matter how unbearable the pain is right now.. it IS only temporary and you will in time get out of this nightmare. Think back to a time when you've been here before with a past ex.. did you think the same then? I know I've been in this hole before a few times. After my first love, experiencing all this for the first time, I really thought I'd gone crazy and I wouldn't be able to snap out of it. If someone told me that was NOTHING compared to the later loves in my life then I wouldn't have believed them (unfortunately I'm going through this now with my recent ex ) I know it gets harder as you get older but you WILL get over this.

Don't go to concerts you guys went to in the past or any other thing that reminds you of her. You're just stalling your healing. I know it's so hard to let go and you want to do anything to hold on to those memories even if it hurts more afterwards but you have to think of YOURSELF now (as impossible as it is I know!! I'm there with you now).

Day by day, try to do something for yourself, start carving a new you little by little. Do some meditation at home for 10 minutes (youtube videos). You just have to force yourself to keep the wheels turning.. it's imperitive that you keep the wheels turning.

 

Honestly.. it may take a year or two to get over this one (sounds like it was a big one) but you know what you will look back on this day and think thankGod I didn't do anything stupid.

 

You'll be ok. Sounds like you need a complete change of world right now.. get out of the world you're in. If you have any holiday time or can take a few weeks sick... get out to another country for a week or two.. get in a different environment, use it as a bit of rehab time. Space for yourself in a calm tranquil new environment and just relax, read on a beach and reflect calmly.

Alternatively just impulsively go now and book into a volunteer programme abroad for a few weeks/month to take you out of the world you're currently in and distract you from everything. It's always worked for me. After my first break up I decided to move to NYC (from the UK) for a few months and volunteer on a film production. I ended up staying for 9 months (not illegally just like to add! as a visitor) It really did save my life and lifted me to another level. Don't get me wrong when I came home I still head healing to do but I was def out of that black pit of despair I was in before I left.

 

Sounds like this has really hit you hard and you really need to take some time out for you to just give you some head space/complete distraction for a little while. If you really are feeling suicidal. Get some perspective and FORCE yourself to lift out of it.

 

You will cause more pain for your family and friends if you do end it all. Be strong (as hard as it is) and think about them. You don't want the pain of this relationship to spread into a whole group of other people do you? You need to fight it and diminish it within yourself. Don't let this beat you.

 

You need to stop messaging her and all contact go No Contact immediately and just plan something to do.

 

Just saying all this as I wish I'd done the same straight away after a BU many times, would have been so much easier.

 

Take it hour by hour, day by day for now and look after yourself, keep warm and as much as you can take your mind of your ex and def no contact with her. Start day 1 NC today. YOU CAN DO IT!!

 

x

 

Hi, and thank you so much.

 

I've had 2 divorces (I'm in my 40s) and other 3 other long term (over 18 months) relationships, this one included. I think back and none of them have hit me like this. By this point, I was able to start thinking about the positive possibilities, start thinking about myself. This one is different. Very different. I don't think ive ever felt so pathetic, helpless and powerless.

 

I suspect it was an abusive relationship, as did the doctor. I am displaying all the symptoms of trauma bonding. I say I suspect because I have been questioning my own sanity, my own reality, for so long now, that I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to ground myself. No matter how many times I hear it from friends and family, it just wont sink in. A fully grown 6ft, 14 stone man being intimidated, bullied, belittled and abused by a 5ft 4 tiny woman. Not physically, although I suspect that may have been the next step.

 

I just don't know what's real anymore.

[brokendreams82]

Hi, and thank you so much.

 

I've had 2 divorces (I'm in my 40s) and other 3 other long term (over 18 months) relationships, this one included. I think back and none of them have hit me like this. By this point, I was able to start thinking about the positive possibilities, start thinking about myself. This one is different. Very different. I don't think ive ever felt so pathetic, helpless and powerless.

 

I suspect it was an abusive relationship, as did the doctor. I am displaying all the symptoms of trauma bonding. I say I suspect because I have been questioning my own sanity, my own reality, for so long now, that I don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to ground myself. No matter how many times I hear it from friends and family, it just wont sink in. A fully grown 6ft, 14 stone man being intimidated, bullied, belittled and abused by a 5ft 4 tiny woman. Not physically, although I suspect that may have been the next step.

 

I just don't know what's real anymore.

 

Hi.. apologies if you've already mentioned previously but have you undergone any therapy for this? Sounds like PTSD for sure and would def help to speak with someone.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this.. sounds a bit like my situation though without the abuse.. more like I'm in my mid 30s and this relationship has hit me harder than the rest.. maybe because I blame myself for it's demise.

 

Just think that you've made it this far and therefore you know you CAN get through the days. Stay strong.

 

Sounds like you def need a time-out in some way though. Take care of yourself