How are you coping today?

[thespacey1]

"Grieving is like digestion: there is nothing you can do to hurry it along. It takes time and the only thing you can do is try to get through it."

 

Jennifer Kromberg (...excerpt from something she wrote)

 

Try to have a beautiful day guys and as I've been telling myself lately "you don't always have to fake it... Just be you, in whatever that emotion is for now".

 

~me

[Raina314]

I hate Friday. I don't know why, but it's always the worst day. I don't understand why this happened and it just feels so unfair that he changed his mind and there was nothing I could do about it. Even though he told me himself it was because of his own emotional immaturity, I still keep finding ways to blame myself and no matter how hard I try to move on and believe there are better things in store for me, deep down all I want is for him to come back. I'm just so tired of being sad . I thought I had it and now it's gone. I wish I'd never met him.

[PLT]

I went somewhere nice today to just sit in the sun for a while. It was nice, but all I could think of is that I wish she were there with me.

 

It's been a rough week, probably because I keep breaking no contact. I never get a response but I want her to know what shes done. That the next time she is sad, alone, lonely, unhappy, she looks back and remembers what she did to me.

 

She knew it was one of 2 ways that would hurt the most. Ghosting or cheating. She ghosted, after knowing her for 6 years she just vanished without trace. I think she may have cheated towards the end but that could be paranoia kicking in. Seeing things that aren't there. It sure would make a LOT of sense if she did though.

 

Its been 29 days since she last spoke to me, and 18 hours since I last messaged her. I just want her to see that it doesn't have to be this way, but I don't think she has any compassion or empathy, or a conscience.

 

I keep telling myself that I'm better off without her anyway, but it's not sinking in. I miss her so much. I've had break ups of longer relationships but none have been this traumatic. None have given me actual physical pain, none have given me anxiety attacks where I can't stop shaking and start hyperventilating.

 

How could the person who told me she loved me 3 days before she vanished do this to me? Is that me projecting my values or is that a really ****ty thing to do?

 

I feel I'll never get over this emotional torture. I feel I'll never be able to trust anyone again enough to be vulnerable to them. I feel like she's broken me. I don't know who I am anymore, she kept telling me I was useless at just about everything in her own little way, that my values and morals are "wrong", that I "don't have feelings", because according to her, men don't have feelings. So how could she hurt my feelings? That's the kind of crazy logic I've been trying to make sense of, and there is a TON of it.

[thespacey1]

I empathize completely@just being tired of the sadness... I'm not even sure if I'm better than I was a year ago. At that time I was in denial so I wasnt feeling this sadness quite yet. I thought I was better then. Now though, I'm really feeling the intense and persistent sadness and memories that refuse to go anywhere.... Makes me question the true expression, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". It sounds so stupid right now... Seriously. This crap is killing my spirit.

 

I know for me I just need to get away from these familiar surroundings. I'm not ready to see him with someone else. Thing is, it's like being terrorized... You never know when or where you might run into your ex. Then being around functions with friends and family is a reminder sometimes especially if your ex was around your family like mine, and vice versa...

 

For me though, things get better as I take time to myself doing things that I always enjoyed doing alone or with others, even before I met my ex.

[Ken1979]

So my gf broke up with me almost a month ago. Basically we got into an argument and she said it wasn't going to work.

 

So basically during a 3 week time span I sent her 3 text messages and left one voicemail telling her that I really do love her and want to build a life with her and was hoping she would want to work things out. Basically almost a whole month of silence.

 

Until this past Monday where she responds with...

Hi! I appreciate you reaching out to me. I have been so swamped lately. I thought the point of having a partner is to be able to lean on each other when things get too stressful. You did not make that easy for me. To be honest, I don't really want to focus on a relationship right now. I need some time to sort things out. I guess we can talk later. Hope you're doing well.

 

Well, I respond with....

The typical, how I realized my faults and I am committed to work on myself in order for this relationship to be successful. I have missed her dearly during this time and that I love her. I will give her the space she asks for, but just know that I am here for her if she needs me. To let me know, when she is ready to talk.

 

She responds with, Thank you for understanding. I miss you too. Have a good night.

 

Why even bother responding with that crap after almost month. I feel this has set me several steps back. I am now analyzing the situation when I was prepared to do my best to move on. I would much rather her have not responded at all. What is she trying to accomplish? If she didn't want to be with me, she should have just left it alone. I'm pretty sure I would have gotten the hint after over 3 weeks! Why!?!?!

[thespacey1]

I keep telling myself that I'm better off without her anyway, but it's not sinking in. I miss her so much. I've had break ups of longer relationships but none have been this traumatic. None have given me actual physical pain, none have given me anxiety attacks where I can't stop shaking and start hyperventilating.

 

How could the person who told me she loved me 3 days before she vanished do this to me? Is that me projecting my values or is that a really ****ty thing to do?

 

I feel I'll never get over this emotional torture. I feel I't.

Well, whether or not it's ****ty, really depends on what was going on in your relationship.

 

My ex and I said we loved each other each morning and maybe more. I'm pretty sure I told my ex I loved him a few days, if not the day before, I left him. You can check out my thread to see why I left him, but there were valid reasons. To name a few: his temper, his background and his insecurities.

 

I told him I couldn't stay in the relationship with that level of intensity and discord. He just assumed I'd forget what I said and that no woman would ever leave him... I still have love for him, but he found it hard to understand how I could leave of I really loved him. He started picking me apart and finding faults in everything I did.

 

We never got back together, but we have communicated. However, the days prior to our official move outs, he kept saying to me "this is what YOU wanted.... You wanted this".

 

I start wondering if men create these situations to force us to leave you.... So that you can get some guilt-free **ssy, then come back hoping we'll take you back... I don't know.

[thespacey1]

I went somewhere nice today to just sit in the sun for a while. It was nice, but all I could think of is that I wish she were there with me.

 

It's been a rough week, probably because I keep breaking no contact. I never get a response but I want her to know what shes done. That the next time she is sad, alone, lonely, unhappy, she looks back and remembers what she did to me.

 

She knew it was one of 2 ways that would hurt the most. Ghosting or cheating. She ghosted, after knowing her for 6 years she just vanished without trace. I think she may have cheated towards the end but that could be paranoia kicking in. Seeing things that aren't there. It sure would make a LOT of sense if she did though.

 

Its been 29 days since she last spoke to me, and 18 hours since I last messaged her. I just want her to see that it doesn't have to be this way, but I don't think she has any compassion or empathy, or a conscience.

 

I keep telling myself that I'm better off without her anyway, but it's not sinking in. I miss her so much. I've had break ups of longer relationships but none have been this traumatic. None have given me actual physical pain, none have given me anxiety attacks where I can't stop shaking and start hyperventilating.

 

How could the person who told me she loved me 3 days before she vanished do this to me? Is that me projecting my values or is that a really ****ty thing to do?

 

I feel I'll never get over this emotional torture. I feel I'll never be able to trust anyone again enough to be vulnerable to them. I feel like she's broken me. I don't know who I am anymore, she kept telling me I was useless at just about everything in her own little way, that my values and morals are "wrong", that I "don't have feelings", because according to her, men don't have feelings. So how could she hurt my feelings? That's the kind of crazy logic I've been trying to make sense of, and there is a TON of it.

 

... And please don't take offense to my last paragraph. I'm just saying, dumpers (albeit male or female) have valid reasons in our own eyes to leave the relationship.

 

If that's NOT the case in your relationship, then heck YES... that was pretty messed up the way she left... Only you would really know though. It's relative...

[sorano]

it is relative. but when the break up doesnt make sense and its out of nowhere, with so much stuff said, I think the dumper has issues and needs to workout his or her problems before gettng serious with someone.

[thespacey1]

Everybody has issues...

 

How does one know if the issues warrant help, as you say? I think if we follow that strategy, there would be no relationships, ever. All dumpers are not poor decision makers. And all dumpees are not innocent.

[PLT]

Thanks guys.

 

Well it hadn't been going great for a good few months. I'm certainly not totally innocent in it all. I played my part. Looking back on it now I played her game, or that's how it feels. I started to turn into her, fighting fire with fire as it were. I tried different ways, like when she would rage at me for 3 or 4 hours, at first I tried to defend myself. She would imply that I'm a bad parent, bad friend, bad boyfriend, bad brother and so on. I started by saying "Hey, that's not me you are describing". For the first 3 years or so I was an amazing parent, the best boyfriend she'd ever had, so lucky to have me blah blah blah. All means nothing now.

 

We had broken up 3 times in the past 6 months. It's weird. For almost 3 years everything seemed amazing, and then it all went completely crazy, and I don't know why.

 

I've been reading a lot about emotional abuse. Everyone close to me thinks that I have been, and I read a lot of these articles and she ticks most of the boxes. Doesn't take responsibility for her own actions, brings up years old minor disagreements, hardly ever apologizes. (I told her that when we went to cinema and she completely ignored my 9 year old son that it hurt me, her answer was "and?".

 

I can't get my head around that though. I don't want to believe it so I find myself making excuses for her "Well I did say such and such", "Well I did do this", but the thing is, that the "punishment" was always completely disproportionate to the "crime", again in my opion.

 

I used to be confident, outgoing and comfortable in my own skin. I'm now a shadow of my former self, I'm questioning my values and morals. In short, for some reason part of me believes what she was saying about me.

[Wuku]

Today I deleted a bunch of notes I had written, but never sent. It gave me a sense of power back, a feeling of strength in letting go of stuff. Couldn't quite bring myself to delete everything though, and as empowering as it felt, it also made me feel sad. There are things I will never say to her again. Just wish I could get past this half and half feeling, where I feel I'm slowly moving on and getting happier one minute, and the next I feel sad and lonely. It's so annoying!

[Raina314]

Yesterday was the most relaxing, peaceful day I've had in ages. I sat in a garden in the sunshine all afternoon and just zenned out for hours and then I bought myself a mocha frappe from McDonalds and chilled out by myself for the rest of the evening. It was so calming, and It was such a relief to know that I am capable of being happy on my own. I didn't even get sad when he came across my mind and the memories I have of him didn't make me want to cry as soon as I thought of them.

 

I really hope this inner peace lasts. I'm just wary because usually when I have good days it means another relapse is right around the corner...

[thespacey1]

Today, I'm doing OK. I had a pretty chill day. Hit the mall and a movie, alone... Which was cool. Only thing is, on my way home I got sentimental remembering how my ex and I used to do so much together. Memories can really suck big-rhinosourus-d*ck.

 

Then my mind posts trucks with me and I start thinking, gosh I want to hear from him or I don't want to see him or I DO want to see him. It's so crazy...

[Raina314]

Today, I'm doing OK. I had a pretty chill day. Hit the mall and a movie, alone... Which was cool. Only thing is, on my way home I got sentimental remembering how my ex and I used to do so much together. Memories can really suck big-rhinosourus-d*ck.

 

Then my mind posts trucks with me and I start thinking, gosh I want to hear from him or I don't want to see him or I DO want to see him. It's so crazy...

 

I've been avoiding the mall like the plague. For some reason, even though we didn't spend a lot of time there together, it *always* brings back memories and makes me want to see him.

 

That might just be me, but if not I totally understand where you're coming from. I also get not wanting to just stop going to the mall though, that's obviously a pretty big thing to give up and you shouldn't have to.

[thespacey1]

(Typo: mind "plays tricks" on me.) Not" posts trucks"... :-( sorry guys!

[thespacey1]

I've been avoiding the mall like the plague. For some reason, even though we didn't spend a lot of time there together, it *always* brings back memories and makes me want to see him.

 

That might just be me, but if not I totally understand where you're coming from. I also get not wanting to just stop going to the mall though, that's obviously a pretty big thing to give up and you shouldn't have to.

 

Dido on the mall thing. I never go unless I absolutely need something from there. Strange thing is, he liked the mall waaay more than me. He'd take me shopping. It sounds sweet but I always felt like he was trying to "buy" me...I knew he loved me but I also felt like buying me things was his "insurance" to keep me with him and in place. Once be started realizing I wasn't the type that could be bought/controlled, he started getting more upset and frustrated with me more often. Mood swings...

 

Trust me,I do avoid places where we used to go. The mall and movie i went to is not the mall that we would frequent together. .. I have to keep "my own" places for me. I'm not ready to bump into him with someone else.

[Ken1979]

So once again I am up at 4am. I am really getting annoyed with the inability to be able to sleep through the entire night.

Just sitting here wondering why....

Why respond to my text messages of trying to work things out almost a month later?

What was the point? I would have gotten the hint if she would have just left it alone....

Why tell me that you didn't want to focus on a relationship but at the same time tell me that you needed some time to sort things out and that you guess we can talk later?

Why not just leave it at you didn't want to focus on a relationship?

Why tell me you miss me too? What is the point?

She is the only one that can answer these questions.....

Do i want to even know the answers to these things?

Most likely not.... but I can't help but to ask these questions over and over in my head.

Nothing is making sense at the moment.....

[burnt]

(Typo: mind "plays tricks" on me.) Not" posts trucks"... :-( sorry guys!

 

Same outcome in either case!

 

When your own mind plays tricks on you, it feels just about the same as getting crushed under the wheels of tanks and trucks in a war zone.

 

Ahh, maybe I should just shut up now before I say anything dumber ...

[thespacey1]

Same outcome in either case!

 

When your own mind plays tricks on you, it feels just about the same as getting crushed under the wheels of tanks and trucks in a war zone.

 

Ahh, maybe I should just shut up now before I say anything dumber ...

 

Noooo, don't stop now. That was hilarious. I tried to think of a joke like that AFTER I posted, and reposted the correction.

 

You're right... The affects of a breakup are truly devastating. I think by acknowledging that, we can laugh and grow from these things. And move on quicker than we would, had we been in denial of the relationship ever affecting us so heavily.

 

Thanks for the laugh, lol.

[andie1969]

Blah today... Was supposed to spend Easter with him & his family, had planned on making his son an Easter basket. I have no extended family close, so today just my daughter & I are going out for Easter brunch. I have to be happy for her, but I'm still hurting. Today marks 3 weeks since the phone call where he broke up with me.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Today would have been the 7th anniversary of when we met. We always marked it when we were together.

 

We've not seen each other for 8 months now, and though I'm slowly getting over it, I've thought lots today about the night I met her. I looked at some portrait photos I made of her. I talked it through with a mate.

 

Neither of us have broken no-contact today, which is a good thing. But deep down I'm a little disappointed that I've not heard from her. Although I knew I wouldn't, and more of me is glad I haven't.

 

She probably hasn't even remembered it anyway.

 

Ah well, here's to healing! Cheers!

[Ken1979]

I have no idea what I am feeling at the moment.

Still no idea what she decided to respond after almost a month.

 

Why tell me that she does not want to focus on a relationship and needs time to sort things our and that we will talk later? How long is later? Why does she tell me that she misses me too?

 

I think I was getting better but at this point, I just don't know!! It feels as if I have moved backwards. Now it seems that there is a glimmer of hope.

 

My therapist asked me why don't I just call her? I have all these questions and the only person that can answer that is her! My therapist asked me, wouldn't you rather know than to be stuck in limbo?! I do want to know.... only if its the answer that I want.

 

I wish she would have never responded at all. I think it would have been so much better. I don't even know what I am talking about here. I suppose I am just ranting. Do I go and get my answers? Or will I be violating the space that I said I would give her? Why did she respond only to throw me backwards in whole different loop now?

[freebird31]

i had to post about this sudden surge of inspiration and faith that i feel right now. I have never really realized my full potential...until NOW. I suddenly just feel really inspired and i have been feeling this way for quite a few days now. There are just so many things I want to accomplish. I want to reach my fullest potential. I want to get into grad school (I am 24 already). I want to get a new job. I want to commit to fitness. I want to commit to weightlifting as well as running. And I want to run my first half-marathon this year. And my first marathon next year. I really love fitness. I do. But I have not really committed to it at all because of other obligations (class, work, most recently i got a puppy and i am a full-time fur mom). I want to get a new car! I want to become really fit and healthy.

This entire past year after I graduated from college, I felt really discouraged, lost, confused, unmotivated. I really had NO idea what I wanted to do with my degree. Where to go from there. I just completely lost focus. I even fell into a little bit of a downward spiral. But now, I have a plan! I have been volunteering in the field I was interested in, and I realized THIS IS IT. I see myself doing this for the rest of my life. And I am ready to commit to doing the work into getting into the program which is highly competitive. It sucks because I am already 24, and I am a little behind. But I still have time on my side. In the mean time i can mature some more, learn new things and grow.

I know this is the COPING section. So let me tie this into how I am coping. Seeing that my ex-boyfriend, young man that i was crazy for and loved, has moved on and has a girlfriend..This really added to the downward spiral. I always questioned myself. Even made comparisons of myself to his new girfriend, who is older than me (27). This shook my confidence. The breakup aready hurt my ego, but seeing this new chick he dated really made me ask "whats wrong with me?" why couldnt he love me? Something must be wrong with me.

But recently, i just got this surge of inspiration. I feel like this IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF MY LIFE. I HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO LOOK FORWARD TO AHEAD OF ME. and thats all in caps, because i say that with SO MUCH confidence and faith. Honestly getting a little bit teary-eyed writing that. I have so many goals, so many dreams, so much to accomplish. This is just the beginning for me! ITS TIME. It is time that I start working on my goals and make my dreams a reality. Now that i have a plan and have clear-set goals, have an idea of where I want to go in life, what i want to accomplish, and who I want to become, I feel so much better about who I am. And it just makes it that much easier to act like the past is irrelevant to me.

My ex truly lost out on a good woman. On somoene who would have loved him unconditionally and passionately. But you know what. He did me a favor. Because now I can focus on the most important person in my life: ME!! It's time I take charge of my life, take action! and accomplish goals that I know I would take pride in. It's TIME! And i dont think I have ever felt so happy and inspired before. I really needed that time all those years after we broke up (3 years to be exact) to heal. Now that its been that long, its time for me to grow up. And just be happy. Just do what makes me incredibly happy and proud of myself.

I have SO much potential. And i see so many other people accomplishing things. And i always think, "how do they do that?" ANYONE can do anything, if you want it bad enough. I am so ready to reach my full potential. I just have to keep myself inspired, and drink lots of coffee. lol I feel really confident in my future.

And if its one thing I have always heard is that if you have CONFIDENCE it will SHINE through your personality. I dont need my ex to be happy.

The scar of rejection will always hurt me. Maybe deep down that is what is really driving me. Being rejected and needing to prove to myself all that I can be. Well hell, I dont care whats driving me. I want to reach all of my goals for me. Its just time

[thespacey1]

Peacefully.

 

Yet in thought.

[Rachel39]

10 weeks since break up and 8th day if no contact. I had to take myself to my bedroom because I just needed to cry.

 

To know you have 2 years to someone and they have no interest in trying to work through things and won't speak you is just heartbreaking!

 

Hoping he will change his mind and come back, knowing he is so strong mentally and will be so far on that he probably doesn't even think about me. I'm s mess everyday I'm sad I know I will get to a point when I'm ok with it all, but not sure when that will be.

 

It's my birthday Thursday and just hurst to know I won't even get a message from him