freebird31 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 (edited) when i think about everything. and how long it has been, which it has been two and half years since the breakup, i feel mostly anger towards my ex. I think about how long ...TWO and a HALF YEARS...it took getting through this. i think about all the pain i have had to felt for all this time. i think about the two occasions when I kissed someone and how the kiss ended in complete tears. i remeber the time i went on that date and how we started kissing eachother and how suddenly i culdnt help it, but the tears just wouldnt stop from pouring out. I think about the second person, the same exact thing happened. i think about how i met someone who was good to me, maybe he wasnt right for me, but he was good to me. And i think about how the breakup with my ex affected me in that time trying to move on. i think about everything and all the pain and the memories of my ex that haunted me, sometimes with more power than ever in these times, when i was trying to just move on and move forward. i think about how hard my ex made everything. from day 1. i think about his cold and short words he said one year after the break up. i think about how he ignored my letter that i sent him three months ago. Sometimes i dont even think that its the love, him that i miss, that i cry for. Its hoe everything ended, its the fact that he never gave me peace, he just made everything hurt so damn much more. He made everything so much harder, even when i gave him so many chances to just give me peace, to give me closure. I resent this person. i resent him because ill always thnk about the last 2 and a half years, maybe even longer, and how i have hurt for such a long time over this, and how this whole thing has affected me. And mostly its because i just cant understand why he just cant be decent person. i just cant understand it. and im so glad i sent that last letter, he never ever once deserved peace from me or to ever once think that i could just forgive everything he has done without him ever just saying one simple word, that he was sorry. He doesnt deserve my peace, my forgiveness. And i think that he is a coward. I really feel like everything, all these events in my life could have been different, had he just been considerate, had he just been open with me, had he just been sorry. thats all i ever freaken wanted from him. i do admit in the beginning all i wanted was for us to get back together. but all i wanted for him for a long time after that, was for him to just be open with me, and tell me that he was at least sorry for how i got hurt even if he never meant to do that to me. i jsut wanted him to at least feel sorry. and all of these years he has haunted me instead. He accidentally liked my picture on social meda, i ran into his mom twice . all i ever wanted was us to just talk everything out, i just want to understand and know that he never meant to hurt me. he made everything worst. he made evertyhing harder. and because of him i have struggled for so long, for so damn long. I feel like if we had a better understandning and a peace, those two times i kissed those guys wouldnt have ended in tears. i really feel like the damage he caused affected my life. and all i feel is anger, and TRUST ME. oh trust me, the day i ever see that he moves on to someone else. i wont let him ever think that he has peace. i willnot. i will show up at his door and make him FACE what he has cowarded away from so long, he will finally face me. I will NEVER let him just move on to someone else, and once again just suppress me and supress what he did, and be happy. I will NEVER let him. and its all because he put me through HELL these last few years trying to move on. i know it would never have been easy getting through a break up. but i do know it could have been SO much easier had he just had the balls to face me and talk about what happened. He is a coward, and he hurt me and thinks that he could just forget about it. I will NEVER let him live with forgetting what he did if he ever moves on. id ont care how crazy i sound. this is REAL. TWO AND A HALF YEARS. this is real. and all the pain i have had to feel because he made this harder than it had to be. ill NEVER let him live with feeling like its okay, like its something you can just move on from. No. not until he says sorry anyway. not until he says that he is sorry Edited October 2, 2015 by freebird31
StrangerThanFiction Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I'm doing better. I tried to kill myself last week and, obviously, failed and that got me the help I needed to see that I was in a severe depression and didn't even realize it. I've been depressed before, of course, but never like that. I felt nothing and cared about nothing and I got to the point where I couldn't go on feeling nothing anymore so I made a stupid decision instead of trying to get help. I felt that I would never feel differently so what was the point? I see now that I was totally wrong. I'm in therapy a couple times a week now and I've made a lot of realizations about myself and have a much more positive outlook. I see now how small and unimportant my break up and ex have become in my life and mind over the last month or so. My depression was brought on by stress and some pretty crappy things going on in my life lately and I broke and just sort've shut down, my break up didn't even factor into it. So I guess realizing that I'm pretty much over something that caused me a lot of pain only 5 months ago is one good thing that came out of a horrible experience
lt32 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I finally said goodbye and meant it. It was hard because she maintained that she has and always will love me, but she can't be with me. At least for the last few werks, up until then she was undecided apparently, and I was jumping through hoops lol. Anyway, I asked to see her one more time before she decided to start dating again. She told me that she had been on two dates the previous week with 2 different guys because it was time, so it finally got through to me that it was the end. Not only is she fine not being with me, she is fine giving up on 20 years of close friendship and respect. We were together on and off over that time, but the last time was different and very passionate. Anyway, after 2 months of trying to convince her we shouldn't give up and generally throwing away my dignity, despite everything I have read here, I have finally reached a limit to what I can endure and still look at myself in the mirror. I will not be her friend and watch as she dates other men. I will not be there in 2 months when she needs someone to confide in, and I will not reach out to her again ever. I told her and cried while I did it, luckily I did it over text, but I know this time I mean it. I gave everything I had but it only made me feel pathetic and weak, and I kind of hate myself for letting her see me that way. I never had in the past, she'd never seen me cry before. Hopefully I can get my dignity back and feel better. I really want to.
nellbell86 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Its been 3 months since the BU, and almost every day I ha e texted him. At first he'd reply every now and then, for about the past month it's been radio silence, but I still continue. I sent him a text this morning apologising for my actions, saying I love him, wish him well and hope he finds himself and will realise his potential in life, I would love to speak again someday, but I realise I need to leave him alone for any chance of that, and I'm sorry I couldn't back off sooner. So today, I'm feeling pretty awful. I've been on my couch in my pj's all day, I have 3 day old dishes in the sink I can't be bothered washing, I have clean clothes thrown in my spare room for about the past week that I still haven't put away, I just feel like 'whats the point' to everything. There was a lovely dress I saw in a shop the other day I wanted to get, but again, I thought, what's the point? I have no one to wear it for, I'm not going out on dates with my love anymore, so why waste my money. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. When im home alone, I'll watch horror movies rather than anything else, cos they're not real, they're angry and violent and don't run any risk of being mushy or happy and making me feel like crap. I'm watching Paranormal Activity as we speak. Life is s***, and people suck. That's my new motto. 1
singme2sleep Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Its been 3 months since the BU, and almost every day I ha e texted him. At first he'd reply every now and then, for about the past month it's been radio silence, but I still continue. I sent him a text this morning apologising for my actions, saying I love him, wish him well and hope he finds himself and will realise his potential in life, I would love to speak again someday, but I realise I need to leave him alone for any chance of that, and I'm sorry I couldn't back off sooner. So today, I'm feeling pretty awful. I've been on my couch in my pj's all day, I have 3 day old dishes in the sink I can't be bothered washing, I have clean clothes thrown in my spare room for about the past week that I still haven't put away, I just feel like 'whats the point' to everything. There was a lovely dress I saw in a shop the other day I wanted to get, but again, I thought, what's the point? I have no one to wear it for, I'm not going out on dates with my love anymore, so why waste my money. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. When im home alone, I'll watch horror movies rather than anything else, cos they're not real, they're angry and violent and don't run any risk of being mushy or happy and making me feel like crap. I'm watching Paranormal Activity as we speak. Life is s***, and people suck. That's my new motto. I too am avoiding any movie with love in it, so I get how you feel. And I also know what it's like to not want to shower, eat or even get dressed. I've thought to myself "what's the point" quite a bit since he broke up with me 9 days ago. It's rough but we have to remember we'll survive somehow. Chin up!
Xiomn Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Romantic life is great at the moment, really happy. 3rd date was a massive success, intimacy level went through the roof back at my place She's invited me around to her place tonight. Life goes on, even after a first break up. Hold in there people. A few months ago my ex broke up with me, I couldn't eat for days and was miserable, sent my ex lots of letters. I'm in a much better place now. 2
freebird31 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I keep thinking about the letter I sent to my ex? Why did he ignore it? I didn't feel I was harsh, I felt I was matter-of-fact and straight to the point. I did end the letter with "this will be the last time I reach out to you. If u have anything to say at all this is your chance." I wish I wrote a different letter now that I look back. Instead of sending a letter. I should have asked to speak with my ex. I cornered my ex and I didn't use the best form of tone. I look back and I wish I had handled it differently. I wasn't crazy or emotional at all but idk. I keep sayid that maybe my ex didn't know how to handle the break up and that's why he acted the way he did and hurt me the way he did. I know it was never international ever. I find myself being somewhat of a hypocrite. The letter I sent and the content I wrote could have been said in different and more appropriate way for the situation. I guess these are all lessons learned. I wish I could show someone the letter. I really didn't think it was too bad. I just keep thinking about it and how my ex may have been angry after I wrote it. It doesn't excuse the fact that he ignored it..but I just know he was angry. Not sad, angry. I know because after I wrote it, he did things to spite me. Little things that I noticed. Like wishing my close friend a 'happy birthday' the next day on social media (he doesn't know her well.) I know he did it to show that he read it and isn't going to acknowledge it. That doesn't make him mature . I don't know. Why do I feel like I need peace with him so bad? Now, after he ignored it, I honestly feel like he hates me now. I really feel like he hates me. :/ I just want us to be at peace and an understanding.
lt32 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) I did something like this. It didn't bring me peace. I would send a letter that would make her angry, then feel awful and send one that was nice. She would thank me, then the next day I would curse myself for a weakling and feel angry because I was comforting her and helping ease any guilt she might have. Nothing you send will make you feel better for long. If he talks to you. you might feel better and regain some hope, but at best he will likely never initiate and you are going to feel awful. That's how it was for me anyway. Most times it doesn't matter what you say, it won't fix anything. You won't find peace for more than a day, even if he is civil to you, and your whole day will depend on if he will respond to you or not, but you will never go to bed feeling good about the situation or yourself. It's addictive, I couldn't stop until she told me she was ready to start dating other people and I really wish I didn't stick around long enough for that. Edited October 3, 2015 by lt32
singme2sleep Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 I keep thinking about the letter I sent to my ex? Why did he ignore it? I didn't feel I was harsh, I felt I was matter-of-fact and straight to the point. I did end the letter with "this will be the last time I reach out to you. If u have anything to say at all this is your chance." I wish I wrote a different letter now that I look back. Instead of sending a letter. I should have asked to speak with my ex. I cornered my ex and I didn't use the best form of tone. I look back and I wish I had handled it differently. I wasn't crazy or emotional at all but idk. I keep sayid that maybe my ex didn't know how to handle the break up and that's why he acted the way he did and hurt me the way he did. I know it was never international ever. I find myself being somewhat of a hypocrite. The letter I sent and the content I wrote could have been said in different and more appropriate way for the situation. I guess these are all lessons learned. I wish I could show someone the letter. I really didn't think it was too bad. I just keep thinking about it and how my ex may have been angry after I wrote it. It doesn't excuse the fact that he ignored it..but I just know he was angry. Not sad, angry. I know because after I wrote it, he did things to spite me. Little things that I noticed. Like wishing my close friend a 'happy birthday' the next day on social media (he doesn't know her well.) I know he did it to show that he read it and isn't going to acknowledge it. That doesn't make him mature . I don't know. Why do I feel like I need peace with him so bad? Now, after he ignored it, I honestly feel like he hates me now. I really feel like he hates me. :/ I just want us to be at peace and an understanding. He broke up with you?
freebird31 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 He broke up with you? Yes he broke up with me quite a long time ago. It's been a long time. But since I would say he has been sending mixed signals even when we have had no contact. About 1 year ago I sent him one of those heartfelt letters u know the kind you would send to an ex and thank them for all the good times ...I was emotional and all he replied was "don't trip glad we can be cool." The words broke my heart all over again. I didn't know at the time that all I wanted was peace and for him to apologize. He never once did. So just recently about 3 moths ago I sent him another letter. And I basically told him I didn't appreciate the fact that he sent me such a short response and I deserve far more than that. That he had hurt me and he never said sorry. He read the message and didn't reply. Now I feel like he hates me. And it's fine. I don't need his peace. But it really frustrates the hell out of me. His lack of communication has made this so much harder than it needed to be. Sorry. You just asked me one question and I gave u a story. But yes he broke up with me
freebird31 Posted October 3, 2015 Posted October 3, 2015 It's clear he doesn't want any contact with me. Whatever. I honestly think he's just a coward and doesn't want to face me. His mixed signals have made this annoyingly frustrating. For example he added me on social media. He accidentally "liked" one of my pictures then attempted to unlike it, but I got the notification. He read our conversation about 3 times after, because I saw the dates and times he had reopened the thread. I don't understand him! And all I want is for us to have an understanding and to be cool with him. And I cannot be cool with someone and pretend to forgive them if I don't really mean it. I need him to sincerely be sorry at least. I know I'm good with moving on without someone's peace. But it would make everything a whole lot easier if we just did have peace and we didn't feel like we hated eachothed. it irks me to feel like someone hates me and I don't want him to think I hate him. I really don't care anymore. I just want us to be cool and move on with this already!
ScienceGal Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I miss laughing and holding the man I love. I miss all the aspects of intimacy. I want to meet the man of my dreams. 2
Quintessence Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 Today I feel empty and dull. That savage, emotional wolf within me is asleep - no biting or clawing. I can't say that this current feeling, this deadening, is preferable to that charged inner struggle that sometimes consumes me. No...this deadening also stings, but in a different way, because my love for her feels distant. I know that the love I feel for her is still there, I know it will always be there in some shape and form, but at the moment it feels distant. Months have gone by. It feels like she and I were part of some other lifetime; it feels as though decades have gone by. Triggers are everywhere. I'm lying in my bad and move my leg over the cool sheets, and I recall how it felt to have her there beside me. As the result, unwanted images flash before my eyes and before I know it my walls are breaking apart, and my heart is bare, wide open and defenseless, staring at the blade of the oncoming knife. The blade of that unwanted memory cuts deep. Some triggers I can deal with, but some break through my many defenses. Dreams still haunt me. There I have no control. It's funny, you give it your all, you give far far more than the average male (or female, in case you are a female), and it blows up in your face after years of hard work. And now you sit there in ruins, on the roadside, while those same average males (or females) get married. They've invested far less than you, but they somehow pull through. And even though you know it's just how life is, it's still not ok. You're not an idiot, you know life is not fair, but does that realization make it all sting any less? No, it doesn't. The only thing you take solace in is the knowledge that you gave it your best. It failed, but at least you set the bar very high. It's all you have left - that little flame to keep you warm as you try to move on. And now you ride off into the sunset, wounded and alone. The sun that is setting is so beautiful. You jump at the idea to share that realization with the other person, but then you remember that the person you are thinking of is no more. She is no more... So you clench your jaws and ride off alone. The sunset is so beautiful...
Empyrea Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 My coping is a constant rollercoaster of emotions - up one minute, down the next; anxiety, anger, sadness, frustration, then sudden bouts of inspiration and energy. This needs to stop! I need to get my sh*t together and stop using men as distractions in my life. So. Starting today, I'm going on a man-free diet. I've had some man in the back of my mind at all times since.. gosh, 2007? So basically puberty I've always used them as a form of validation to build my self esteem - but you know what that means? That they also have the power to break it down at the blink of an eye. This is unacceptable. I know my self worth, I know I deserve someone great one day, but I need to start believing that I can be happy alone. That's the only true test for your self worth. Therefore I now vouch: I choose to not let myself get involved emotionally or physically with any man for at least the next four months. I will celebrate on February 13th, Galentine's Day, and be free and proud and happy alone. Only then will I open myself up for the possibility to find love again, IF I have met my target. Who's with me??
Chronograph Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 More or less exactly 5 months post breakup. Last week I felt great, this week it's going downhill again. Someone take these dreams away, they have started again. Autumn, it gets dark, it gets cold and all these family meetings and birthdays to which we usually went together ... I'm now facing them alone. I miss the comfort and safety of a relationship. But since mine broke down after so many years (in which I thought we were actually having a good relationship) I don't think I will ever feel so entirely comfortable and safe in another relationship again.
Oregon_Dude Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I've always used them as a form of validation to build my self esteem - but you know what that means? That they also have the power to break it down at the blink of an eye. This is unacceptable. I know my self worth, I know I deserve someone great one day, but I need to start believing that I can be happy alone. That's the only true test for your self worth. ... Who's with me?? I'm with you. I've been heartbroken from relationships since I was a teenager. I'm tired of it. I'd rather be lonely than hurt by someone. I take this vow with you until Guyintimes Day at least.
Empyrea Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 I'm with you. I've been heartbroken from relationships since I was a teenager. I'm tired of it. I'd rather be lonely than hurt by someone. I take this vow with you until Guyintimes Day at least. Yay! High five I think it's an important step to not be lonely and sad, because you can't find anyone, but be lonely and happy, because you choose to take this time to improve yourself and become the person that would make a great partner - not only to another person, but to yourself! Feeling motivated at the moment, day 1 of errrr 131
Oregon_Dude Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 it's an important step to not be lonely and sad, because you can't find anyone, but be lonely and happy, because you choose to take this time to improve yourself and become the person that would make a great partner - not only to another person, but to yourself!Great point, Empy. Thing is, I already know I'm a great partner and a catch - my reasons for quitting dating have more to do with the toll rejection is taking on my self-esteem. That said, I'm looking forward to improving my career and becoming happy alone. We're in this together!!
learnbyliving Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 It's been almost 4 months of strict NC. I had done well by around the 2-3 month mark. But I've gone to not thinking about it at all to thinking about it every day again. Moreover I'm obsessed with the thought of reaching out but frustrated by knowing that I will not, for reasons of both pride and self-protection. I have been on a few dates but even maintaining text conversations with anyone new feels like a chore. Sometimes I feel that because I was dumped in the honeymoon period, I will never quite get over it. 3
Felicite Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 It's been almost 4 months of strict NC. I had done well by around the 2-3 month mark. But I've gone to not thinking about it at all to thinking about it every day again. Moreover I'm obsessed with the thought of reaching out but frustrated by knowing that I will not, for reasons of both pride and self-protection. I have been on a few dates but even maintaining text conversations with anyone new feels like a chore. Sometimes I feel that because I was dumped in the honeymoon period, I will never quite get over it. I feel exactly the same. I'm also thinking about reaching out, and it’s constantly on my mind. Unfortunately I can not avoid this, because I have to make contact at some point because of a common project, and I am thinking how will be the best way to do this. I’m prepared to face the fact that maybe I will get emotional and I will express how I feel (aside the project), so I don’t know what will happen. I’ll see how it goes when I get there. Still, I haven’t slept well for a long time… All I think about is him. If I feel I have to get something of my chest, it will be done.
brokensoul88 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 its been 4 days of NC... our first NC lasted two weeks only.. our second, three weeks.. and our third, I wonder..
singme2sleep Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 It's been almost 4 months of strict NC. I had done well by around the 2-3 month mark. But I've gone to not thinking about it at all to thinking about it every day again. Moreover I'm obsessed with the thought of reaching out but frustrated by knowing that I will not, for reasons of both pride and self-protection. I have been on a few dates but even maintaining text conversations with anyone new feels like a chore. Sometimes I feel that because I was dumped in the honeymoon period, I will never quite get over it. How long were you together? Why did your dumpee end it?
foxy2013 Posted October 6, 2015 Posted October 6, 2015 Not well. Broke NC just to find out he couldn;t care less. Back to square one. Gutted
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