How are you coping today?

[Quintessence]

Although it’s been more than two months, the last seven days have been difficult, and I don’t know why; I haven’t broken NC in any way and nothing new regarding the break up has happened.

 

Mornings are the worst by far; they have been ever since it happened. That ‘hole in the stomach’ feeling is no way to wake up, yet every morning it’s there. And the dreams - don’t get me started on them. If I don’t dream about her, I feel her in the back of my mind while I sleep, almost like a presence hovering over me. I wonder if she is having the same problems as I am (dreams). After all, you can’t really choose who or what you dream about, can you? I’m kind of hoping she is having the same problems, at least to some small degree. It’s the least I can do, my love (kisses).

 

As for those five stages of grief, bugger that. One should call it: one stage with five faces. The stages keep waning and waxing, walking out the door and coming back in full force, sometimes all five in the same day.

At times I still can’t believe this is my life. It feels as though a piece of it is missing, and I’m not just talking about the person I lost. I’m talking about the time in between the break up and the now. The transition between ‘being a part of someone’s life’ to ‘not being a part of someone’s life’ is so brutal and sudden. Almost cruel. One moment you’re with someone who is your best friend and lover, and the next moment that person is gone. What happened to the ‘in between’ part? Where the hell is my in between part?

 

It’s funny, I always thought that if her and me got stuck in some problem, we’d discuss it first. I saw it as our greatest strength, but boy was I wrong! The other person did not communicate enough, nor did she put enough effort into working on our problems (or on herself, for that matter). I should have seen it coming. I was dating a girl and not a woman (nothing to do with age, but with the state of mind).

 

Constantly I have to force myself to go out and do stuff. Yesterday I went to the gym and had a good time, but getting to the gym was mentally exhausting as I had to push myself out the door. The same goes for going to a club on Saturday. Since I’m in short supply of close friends (as in zero), I had to go alone. But I pushed myself out the door and will keep on pushing myself. Remember: doing nothing changes nothing.

You’ll get over her, they keep telling me. No, I won’t 'get over her'. I’m starting to hate that expression. Instead, I will ‘learn to live with the loss’ – now this sounds much better. In the words of the Borg: we will adapt.

 

We must adapt. We have no choice.

 

People will tell you that if someone does not love you, then it’s natural that they leave. I don’t argue. However, if someone has problems, then it’s also natural to communicate, especially when you’ve been with the other person for so long. Is this how you approach all your problems in life? You hide and pretend they’ll go away, and if they don’t resolve themselves in time, then you pack your bags and move? Wow, what a brave, mature way to deal with life’s problems. What a noble thing to do to someone who stuck by you through thick and thin. People don’t change, you say? Not entirely true. I changed immensely in the last five years, and mostly for the better (her words, the words of others - not mine). So people DO change - at least the MATURE ones do. The immature ones don’t change. They just stagnate, or even regress. To change is to evolve. To change is to mature. Adapt and evolve. It’s what survivors do.

We will adapt.

[Felicite]

Instead, I will ‘learn to live with the loss’ – now this sounds much better. In the words of the Borg: we will adapt.

 

We must adapt. We have no choice.

 

I changed immensely in the last five years, and mostly for the better (her words, the words of others - not mine). So people DO change - at least the MATURE ones do. The immature ones don’t change. They just stagnate, or even regress. To change is to evolve. To change is to mature. Adapt and evolve. It’s what survivors do.

We will adapt.

 

Yes, yes and yes.

 

We might as well try to evolve and adapt.

I wish I could be a (Cy)Borg either way, to escape the pain.

Edited September 7, 2015 by Felicite

[Chronograph]

I'm getting better. The awful morning feeling of a stone and knot in my stomach and heart get less and less each day. But still there is a lot of anxiety. I still feel I might not be able to make it. This whole life, I cannot make it alone. Without him.

 

I mean, last week I felt for the first time that there is truly no way back. That something is irretrievably broken and lost. Even if he would get in touch or come back now ... I couldn't talk to him or be with him. It's been 4 months and one week now and two months of NC. He doesn't get in touch, he couldn't care less about me, if I'm well or ill, if I'm alive or dead. It's so unbelievable! I bet he's already in a serious relationship with this new cow.

 

I feel numb but I also still cry nearly every day cause I feel it's so tragic. It's all so sad. Why didn't we just make it? I know we could have!

[dyna85]

Having a really hard time today. Hanging by a thread. Just really feel like I'm on the verge... of breaking. The feelings are intense... like an impulse that is out of my control. They keep pressing me 'just do it!' and by 'do it' I mean 'contact him' and by 'contact him' I mean 'now.. not later.. now.'

 

Being sure to keep my distance from my phone and I should probably step away from the computer too.

 

I just want out of these feelings. Please!

 

Never in my life have I struggled to move on from someone to such a great extent... never have I felt like doing something so stupid after such a grand passage of time either.

 

This is ridiculous.

[Sunshine09]

Having a really hard time today. Hanging by a thread. Just really feel like I'm on the verge... of breaking. The feelings are intense... like an impulse that is out of my control. They keep pressing me 'just do it!' and by 'do it' I mean 'contact him' and by 'contact him' I mean 'now.. not later.. now.'

 

Being sure to keep my distance from my phone and I should probably step away from the computer too.

 

I just want out of these feelings. Please!

 

Never in my life have I struggled to move on from someone to such a great extent... never have I felt like doing something so stupid after such a grand passage of time either.

 

This is ridiculous.

 

It's like your feelings hold you hostage sometimes and they are relentless little bastards.

 

I, like you, have never felt this way after a break up either. It's really frustrating.

 

All I can say is that my first go at NC, I caved and all it ended up doing was costing me more dignity and self respect and was a speed ticket back to square one

 

Unfortunately our instincts during these times lead us to want to do the exact things that are the worst for ourselves.

 

 

Stay strong <3

Edited September 7, 2015 by Sunshine09

[dyna85]

It's like your feelings hold you hostage sometimes and they are relentless little bastatds.

 

I, like you, have never felt this way after a break up either. It's really frustrating.

 

All I can say is that my first go at NC, I caved and all it ended up doing was costing me more dignity and self respect and was a speed ticket back to square one

 

Unfortunately our instincts during these times lead us to want to do the exact things that are the worst for themselves.s

 

 

Stay strong <3

 

Thanks. What you say is true. I just feel so weak.

[TunaCat]

I had an epiphany of sorts last night.

 

Yes I loved him. I probably always will in a way because he was my first love.

 

But after I was unexpectedly dumped, none of what he said while we were together mattered anymore. The minute he dumped me, he was telling me that he no longer saw a future with me. He no longer wanted to marry me. I was not going to be his forever.

 

He took up with a new girl 3 weeks later and has been with her ever since. What he does and who he does it with are none of my business. Yes, she was a mutual acquaintance and yes, I still think he downgraded. But he picked her, and clearly she makes him happy. No matter what, I want him to be happy.

 

Someday I hope we can be friends again. After all, we've been close friends since we were in grade school, but it's not the end all be all if that never happens. I'll survive without his friendship.

[dyna85]

Feeling much better right now. I had a long talk with a friend (not about X) but just about other things, and it helped calm me down. I don't feel as desperate to contact my ex and I was on the ledge all day, I tell you. The ledge. I think it lost its grip when I made a conscious decision (right before my friend called) to not check X's profile online. I had been thinking if I was going to contact him, I better just check his online profile instead to prevent me from really contacting him, but then I thought back to 3 months ago and how crappy I'd felt when I did that, and how it prevented me from moving on. After all, by checking his profile, I'd be continuing to give him power over me, by letting his face infiltrate my consciousness.

 

It felt empowering to NOT check his facebook or anything, and to CHOOSE not to do so, but rather to carry on, as I've been doing.

 

The reality is, looking back will do NOTHING for me but keep me in this hole of devastation I've been trying to crawl my way out of for the past 8.5 months.

 

I feel so liberated right now and like I can breathe, which has been a foreign feeling. Really not trying to jinx myself and praying for this feeling of relief to continue, as I really want to get my life back on track and not only get back to really taking care of myself as I've really been neglecting myself, but also, I really hope to somehow renew my faith in guys and really pray that there is someone truly compatible with me somewhere out there, who will not hurt me like this.

[Felicite]

Having a really hard time today. Hanging by a thread. Just really feel like I'm on the verge... of breaking. The feelings are intense... like an impulse that is out of my control. They keep pressing me 'just do it!' and by 'do it' I mean 'contact him' and by 'contact him' I mean 'now.. not later.. now.'

 

Being sure to keep my distance from my phone and I should probably step away from the computer too.

 

I just want out of these feelings. Please!

 

Never in my life have I struggled to move on from someone to such a great extent... never have I felt like doing something so stupid after such a grand passage of time either.

 

This is ridiculous.

 

Boy do I feel you.

 

I'm going crazy today. I want to pick up the phone, or send him a message or shout to him at the top of my voice, what the hell is he doing.

 

I just heard today by a stupid clueless colleague, who didn’t know we were together, that he ‘s madly in love with .… a (barely) 19 year old girl (10 years younger than him).

 

At first I laughed. Now I’m not sure if I want to cry or laugh or bang my head against the wall. Is this a rebound? Is this a reaction to the relationship we had, because it was getting serious?

Is this his true self? One day he was doing everything for me, and another he was just throwing me away.

 

I would give anything to be in front of him and ask him how could he possibly be doing these things, when he was planning a future and telling me everyday that he loved me, but I think the person he was has vanished.

He seems like a coldblooded, heartless murderer of what we had.

The struggle is enormous, and it seems terribly unfair that I am the only one to endure it.

 

I also want out of these feelings, but it seems impossible to get through this.

Edited September 8, 2015 by Felicite

[Xiomn]

NEED ADVICE. I'm feeling a bit bummed out as to what happened last night with this girl.

 

I was hanging out with some new friends yesterday that I've just met, basically It was my first time hanging out with them all. There were 4 of us. Anyway, one of the girls is very friendly (in a good friend kind of way, always there to listen to you and cheer you up etc) Anyway she gives me these friendly hugs all the time and after a few drinks we all went back to her flat to just hang out, chat and watch a movie. We cuddled up to each other while watching the movie and then eventually the other two people left and it was just me and her.

 

We went into her bedroom and just started chatting about stuff, both general and deep stuff, we got talking about my ex and about relationship stuff. We were cuddling while lying on her bed and getting very close to each other. She started touching me with the pretense of people have told her she gives good massages so she started massaging my neck and then she asked me if i was ticklish to which i responded not really so then she started touching me gently on my stomach etc trying to make me ticklish.

 

Then she wanted me to start to try and tickle her (by gently moving my fingers slowly against chest belly area) and eventually she said "go higher" by this point I was reaching her tits and I was like "you sure?" but she said yes. Then it got all very hot and she was saying "do you like that?" so i played along as i was getting horny, grabbing onto her tits and everything.

 

She then said "promise this is just between me and you and don't tell anybody?" Anyway I thought we were going to end up having sex because she eventually got up on top of me and started grinding to try give me a boner but then after a while she just stopped abruptly, got off me and we went back to talking normally again before I left shortly after as she had to be up early and by this point it was already 3am.

 

That made me really bummed because I thought we were going to have sex, maybe she sensed I was a bit nervous about it all because I was a bit and shamefully I did tell her I was a bit nervous when she asked if I was okay but she said don't be.

 

When we were talking she was asking me what I think of friends with benefits to which I responded I prefer commitment, she openly admitted she isn't interested in relationships at all because she's at university and she's young (she's 19, i'm 20) and as a result just wants to mess about while she still can. (This was before we started touching each other and before she got on top of me) It sounded like she wanted to have sex with me but I don't know why she just stopped randomly after sitting on top of me and grinding on me for a minute or so. I feel like I should have done more at the time like kissed her or go 'down there' so to speak but i was kind of scared of what her reaction would be because I was confused as to what she wanted from me, whether she sees me as a friend or something more so I held back. I wasn't very confident because I've only ever done it with one woman and that was my ex.

 

Not sure how to proceed now.. I kind of want to get something going with her, even if it's just casual sex.. I regret not getting more into it when she was trying to seduce me and want to make it right but obviously I can't just come out and say that because that would be weird, especially since I start my new job soon and i'll be working with her. She was asking me "this isn't going to be weird between us is it?" and i replied "no"

 

Any ideas anyone?

Edited September 8, 2015 by Xiomn

[dyna85]

Boy do I feel you.

 

I'm going crazy today. I want to pick up the phone, or send him a message or shout to him at the top of my voice, what the hell is he doing.

 

Yeah.. definitely don't do that, but I can commiserate a thousand percent.

 

I just heard today by a stupid clueless colleague, who didn’t know we were together, that he ‘s madly in love with .… a (barely) 19 year old girl (10 years younger than him).

 

At first I laughed. Now I’m not sure if I want to cry or laugh or bang my head against the wall. Is this a rebound? Is this a reaction to the relationship we had, because it was getting serious?

 

Ouch that is painful. Well.. all I can say is sometimes the fantasy of someone else helps to distract from the pain, so it's probably just something he's holding onto to cope with the loss.

 

I also want out of these feelings, but it seems impossible to get through this.

 

I hear ya. I'm 8.5 months out and I still feel pained and would love to just stop feeling this way. I think it just takes a lot of time and work.

 

Sometimes I don't want to put in the work to get to the other side, so I know that's part of my problem. I need to accept reality and get on with it, but I find myself succumbing to the wallowing elements often.

 

You're lucky as at least it's early on for you. I feel like I've gotten into the habit of wallowing and that is something I need to break out of, if I ever hope to truly move on from this.

[kendahke]

it's been 5 years since my D-day and break up.

 

I cannot believe how happy I am with my life now. You could not have convinced me that I would be whole and happy within myself like I presently am back in September, 2010.

 

Time does help. Grief does do its job and it does leave. Happiness does return. There are others who are even better than the one who left you who are waiting on you to move forward.

 

Trust the process.

[NVO]

Well, I finally got my first professional job. Man, what a relief. I feel very happy, but at the same time I feel weird and sad. Yesterday a friend of mine told me he spotted my ex on Tinder. Now I know this doesn't mean ****, but it hit me in the stomach. And today, well I guess some part of me wants to share this big thing in my life with my ex. It also feels like I am closing a book of a part of my life...

 

Anybody recognizes this?

[scooby-philly]

2 months since break-up. 6 weeks of no contact. It hurts a little still - I know she's no good for me. i know she doesn't want the same thing or value the same thing. I don't make assumptions. And i don't want to be with an angry, selfish person. But it hurts. Lonely. Always took care of other people, only to find out I didn't take care of myself. But there's always a new day. A new chance

[Firstheartbreaksux]

I was doing OK then I started having dreams about her, its been two nights in a row already. I'm scared to go to sleep. Been fighting tears all day, seriously screw this man.

[finalendeavor]

Been doing slightly better. Met a new guy, he's nice, handsome. But there's still two things that bother me more than anything; first of all, I feel like no one will tick as many boxes as my ex did- no one will quite do it like he did. Secondly, everyday that passes that I haven't heard from him, makes me even more depressed because I realize I might never hear from him. Ever again. I'm still so shocked over everything, I don't know how you could be so passionate about someone and then cut them off so abruptly. I can't believe I meant so little. Literally approaching two and half months without a single peep from him. I don't think there's anyone else in the picture. Every time my mind wanders back to these thoughts, the more heartbroken I feel. At first I felt so sure that I didn't get played and used, but as the days march on, I'm not so sure. I feel so many terrible things, still. Damaged self esteem, loss, betrayal. I thought I would feel better by now, but everything still reminds me of him. The only thing I've got going for me is that I haven't thrown away my dignity and self respect by chasing him. I might be suffering, but at least he doesn't know that.

[freebird31]

More than anything in this world, i just want peace and understanding with my ex. I just want to have peace with myself. I no longer feel sadness, anger, as of right now, i feel numb. Blank. Am i blocking out pain? i do not know. i just dont really feel anything today. I heard some news, this guy I dated (I only dated maybe 4 guys) The first guy came out not too long ago and has a BF. The second guy now has a GF. The third guy is my ex, who broke me. The last guy has a GF. hearing that the the second guy has a GF, i felt so....alone. Weird, right? Why would i feel that way. Because I feel like I am the only lonely and alone person these days. Ew...i am victimizing myself. I can hearr it in my tone, in the words i write. I know my time will come, but i still just feel so ..damn..numb. Like i just cant even feel any emotions rn.

 

I just wish that I could have some peace with my ex boyfriend. I just would like to know that we could have a true peace with each other, and maybe then i could move on and not be so scared and afraid of what love has to offer, that it wont end in complete pain. It was so painful though. And then when it wasn't painful, it was just agonizing, still is sometimes.

 

Why is that so hard, why does it seem like I am asking for too much. I just want us to have peace with each other. and an understanding. I just want us to lay out everything on the table, maybe say sorry, wish each other the best for our futures and mean it...and just move on. Why is that so hard. Why can he not give that to me. I just want peace. I dont want to think that he is an ******* anymore, i dont want to resent him anymore. I really, really dont.

 

I want to move on. I would like to move on eventually. And be happy again with someone new even.

 

I just really feel like i wont be able to do it until i have some peace with my past. I really am not asking for anything more. ****, i am so confused...

 

Everything is super confusing. I just feel like my ex did a lot of things on purpose and with intent to get a reaction from me after we broke up.

I think that he gave me that short and cold response because he was a jerk. I think that he posted that picture of him and his "friend" (who is a girl) right after we added each other, with intent to aggravate me. I do not think these were innocent actions. They had some kind of intent behind them.

 

I sometimes feel like i hate him. And the one thing that i asked of him, was peace. and he ignored my message.

 

i dk.

 

And then the last guy.....he is with someone else, and he sure as hell looks so happy.

 

Its just...weird. the way everything happened. I will just keep going. I just would like to move on with a peace of mind. And so far, i just really resent my ex boyfriend. idk what it is. My mind feels a little big fogged tonight, such a weird mood. I just feel...nothing.

[freebird31]

Is it normal to want peace with an ex? Maybe i just THINK that peace with him will make me feel better, and make it easier to move on, for all i know it wont. He just ignored my letter to him. read it, then ignored it. It has left me with this feeling of unsettlement. I really thought that this time he would reply and was going to explain his side and be genuine. I really thought that this time, we would have peace, understanding. He ignored my message.

 

Is that so crazy to ask for peace? From someone who you once had a relationship with, and when it ended it broke your heart. Is that too much to ask of someone?

Just a mature conversation. Maybe some apologies, truths, sorries, peace. I really dont think i am asking for a lot.

 

I feel like because there is no peace with my past, it makes it so hard for me to love someone. I just feel an unsettling feeling, a bad feeling, a pain. The last two guys i kissed in the last year, ended in tears. I cried. How pathetic is that right. It ended in complete tears, the evening almost ruined.

 

I just dont want to have the scar. I understand I will always have the scar. But i just want there to peace so that i will have more faith and hope that even if love ends in pain, at least there will be peace. I just need to know that I have peace with him.

 

i feel like he thinks i hate him now. Why should i care what he thinks right. i do. i cannot live with the feeling of someone thinking that i hate them, esp when i just dont and when its someone i once cared about.

 

I dont even think i would date someone like my ex anymore. I dont even look for guys with his personality traits, its not what attracts me anymore. I go for mature guys who know what they want, with strong personalities. I dont even think i would be attracted to my ex as i once was to him. So i dont really think that me wanting peace, is because i want something more with him.

 

I dont think i do. I mean, i will always have love for him. I miss his company, i do! As a lover, i am not too sure he is even what i am looking for anymore to be honest. After dating the last guy who was intellectual, mature, and very verbal, i grew to admire those traits in a guy. My ex has none of those.

 

i just would very much like some peace. I just am starting to feel so frustrated. What if i demand it? I just demand a conversation with him in person?

[StrangerThanFiction]

It just hit me today that my ex's birthday was almost two weeks ago. Not only did I not have to fight any urge to send him a happy birthday message, it didn't even cross my mind until now that his birthday had passed. I remember at the beginning of August I was worried about how I'd feel when his birthday rolled around, but I guess it's a pretty solid indicator of how far I've come-even over the span of a month-that when it finally did come I didn't even think about it. There's times when I still feel a little sadness, but they're becoming rarer and I can see the whole relationship objectively. Not too bad for 4 months post BU after a 7 year relationship, I think.

[pillowpuffs]

Just found a song by Labrinth called "Jealous" and it really spoke to me. I felt sad. And truly quite alone but it's also enchanting when you hear a song that mimics your exact thoughts.

[Chronograph]

Just found a song by Labrinth called "Jealous" and it really spoke to me. I felt sad. And truly quite alone but it's also enchanting when you hear a song that mimics your exact thoughts.

 

Know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I feel like nobody can understand how I'm feeling, nobody can relate, I'm just isolated in this world and then ...bam ... Leonard Cohen or David Bowie come along and just completely and utterly sing and express the way I feel. Thank you Lord, I'm not alone!

[Chronograph]

And also, today has been weird. Had a dream with my ex in it and he acted cold and like an *******. I woke up sad and lost. Then later in the day I received a forwarded email by my parents (they do the communication for me on the last bits and pieces of organization, he still has to send some stuff back). So they forwarded his reply to me. He said they should tell me a "thank you" for the money I transferred back to his account. It confused me. I nearly broke NC. I wanted to signal him that he can always directly send a thank you note to me and that I'm open to direct contact. (Am I?? Am I crazy?) I guess I just don't want him to think that he could never contact me again directly because I would not speak to him, cause I'm angry or something. I want him to contact me! And tell me he wants me back. Of course! But I better not send anything to him. I hate that it is so complicated!

[pillowpuffs]

Know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I feel like nobody can understand how I'm feeling, nobody can relate, I'm just isolated in this world and then ...bam ... Leonard Cohen or David Bowie come along and just completely and utterly sing and express the way I feel. Thank you Lord, I'm not alone!

 

Exactly. It's powerful when you hear something that makes complete sense to you/gets you. I'm always glad when I find a song that understands me but I must say, to hear the pain in the voices of the singers has been painful too. While it's nice to know we aren't alone, I can't help but feel there's just a ridiculous amount of heartbreak in this world. But I guess it is what is.

 

Ultimately as well, I'm alone in my room, on the train, in the bus, listening to these songs that are absolutely heart-wrenching.

[Chronograph]

Exactly. It's powerful when you hear something that makes complete sense to you/gets you. I'm always glad when I find a song that understands me but I must say, to hear the pain in the voices of the singers has been painful too. While it's nice to know we aren't alone, I can't help but feel there's just a ridiculous amount of heartbreak in this world. But I guess it is what is.

 

Ultimately as well, I'm alone in my room, on the train, in the bus, listening to these songs that are absolutely heart-wrenching.

 

That's true! Sometimes I cry over this ... just over these many people I know, who have experienced pain, rejection, heartbreak, loneliness, feeling misunderstood and all that. I guess we enter this world as hopeful, friendly beings and life throws all these experiences at us that make us sad, disappointed and bitter. That's tragic. BUT on the other hand, without it there wouldn't probably be so many stunningly beautiful and touching pieces of art.

[Oregon_Dude]

Doing pretty well, actually. I'm positive (without confirmation) that I was left for someone else. All the signs are there. And I'm just like, whatever. It's kind of funny. People are free to make their choices; this was hers. But I also know that she's mentally and emotionally unstable (likely a person with BPD), and that I was merely a source of attention for her, never really a human being with a soul, and that we were in two different relationships.

 

I think if you can get to a place of seeing your "tragedy" as kind of a comedy, and laugh at yourself for being so devastated about something that will not matter to you at all in a year's time, you're able to detach a little bit and get some perspective. It also helps that there is so much suffering in the world; this is just my minor piece of it.

 

Anyway, she's f*cking him, enjoying the honeymoon. It's fine. She's after her happiness, which is always short-lived, but she's doing her best as well. I'm feeling forgiving today, and enjoying it, because as we all know, these feeling states change daily during the long road of a breakup recovery. It makes you feel emotionally schizophrenic, which we f*cking are. It's hilarious how crazy we all become after being dumped. It's like being pregnant and on meth.