How are you coping today?

[NVO]

My ex broke up with me two weeks after we booked our holiday. Today I bought myself a PS4 of the money that I saved for those holidays. Suck on that..

 

I sometimes have that thought pop into my head too, it feels as if my guts have imploded and turned inside out! I've yet to share my story but basically what happened was we broke up a week prior a holiday we booked with some mutual friends, during the holiday we were playing drinking games, was based on truth or dare and found new things about her I did not know like being in a 3 some when she was younger and the thought of that is now imprinted in my brain and every time it comes up in my head I feel sick, I know it was her past but still...I've not contacted her since after the holiday and its hard to say the least

 

I feel you man. I had a same experience. When me and my ex were getting sexy and she was sitting on top of me (clothes still on though, haha) I told her we should try out that position during actual sex. She told me that's a great idea because other guys always complemented her for being so good on top. Uh, excuse me? I don't know why, but it was a massive turn-off.

Edited August 19, 2015 by NVO

[Xiomn]

Heh, speaking of holidays, me and my now ex planned on going to Germany in mid-July because I had always wanted to go to Germany for most of my life.

 

Anyway, we booked our tickets but I hadn't got my passport yet so I had to apply for one, I realized how much it costed to get a passport and the thought of spending so much money just scared the hell out of me, almost £300 for tickets, another just under £100 for a passport, all that money I thought of spending before we had even arrived deterred me from going, especially after thinking how much i would end up spending when we did arrive, with accommodation, travel, events, food etc and so I cancelled it.

 

The reason I was scared of spending so much was because I didn't have any source of income and I had never been on holiday before so all the costs scared me.. I also have a thing where I really don't like to spend money at all, I love to save it and I'd never spent so much money on something in my entire life than those tickets.

 

When I decided I didn't want to go anymore that really made her angry, which I don't blame her because she had just wasted under £300 like me only for me to turn around and say I don't want to go anymore.

 

Anyway, she broke up with me the first week of July, pretty much 1 week before we were set to go on holiday (had i not decided to cancel it) by that point it had already been a few months since I decided not to go. I always think to myself had I not cancelled it then she might have not broken up with me and we would have added another happy memory together. It's one of my biggest regrets to be honest, at the time I realized I was very selfish for not wanting to spend money to go on holiday together all because I hated spending money even though I had more than enough needed and some more.

 

Also makes me wonder though, if she hadn't broken up with me in early July, and we did go on holiday together, as to whether she would have broken up with me after getting back from the holiday anyway.

[NVO]

Heh, speaking of holidays, me and my now ex planned on going to Germany in mid-July because I had always wanted to go to Germany for most of my life.

 

Anyway, we booked our tickets but I hadn't got my passport yet so I had to apply for one, I realized how much it costed to get a passport and the thought of spending so much money just scared the hell out of me, almost £300 for tickets, another just under £100 for a passport, all that money I thought of spending before we had even arrived deterred me from going, especially after thinking how much i would end up spending when we did arrive, with accommodation, travel, events, food etc and so I cancelled it.

 

The reason I was scared of spending so much was because I didn't have any source of income and I had never been on holiday before so all the costs scared me.. I also have a thing where I really don't like to spend money at all, I love to save it and I'd never spent so much money on something in my entire life than those tickets.

 

When I decided I didn't want to go anymore that really made her angry, which I don't blame her because she had just wasted under £300 like me only for me to turn around and say I don't want to go anymore.

 

Anyway, she broke up with me the first week of July, pretty much 1 week before we were set to go on holiday (had i not decided to cancel it) by that point it had already been a few months since I decided not to go. I always think to myself had I not cancelled it then she might have not broken up with me and we would have added another happy memory together. It's one of my biggest regrets to be honest, at the time I realized I was very selfish for not wanting to spend money to go on holiday together all because I hated spending money even though I had more than enough needed and some more.

 

Also makes me wonder though, if she hadn't broken up with me in early July, and we did go on holiday together, as to whether she would have broken up with me after getting back from the holiday anyway.

 

You'll never know. But don't get angry with yourself for cancelling it. I think if you are capable of saving money‪ it will only benefit you. I know the struggle of being unemployed, I only have my carwashing job on the saturdays as my only income at the moment. I think I earn the least amount of money in a month of all my friends. Funny thing is, they can always count on me if they are coming short and need something extra.

 

You should start making trips in the future though, and you will be able to! It will enrich your life. If you ever want to come to Holland hit me up, I'll show you around hehe.

[BriNyc82]

Need some advice on whether to send this letter to my ex, we've been broken up for 1 and a half months now and been NC for just under 3 weeks. Writing letters down to her and not sending them off doesn't help me because all day and before I go to bed I want to send it, I need the action of being able to send it to her in order to get the stress off my chest because writing it all down and not sending it isn't enough for me, I feel like not sending it off is actually making me feel worse.

 

Here it is:

 

Hi, I told myself that I wouldn't contact you in order to respect your decision for space and I know that you said we probably shouldn't keep in contact anymore but I feel the need to express myself and get things off my chest. I hope you understand, if not then you need not reply to me anyway.

 

I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeks, reflecting on the relationship and all that. Truth be told I have always been sceptical of your motives and reasoning for breaking up with me. The reason you gave has always been a thorn in my side, the reason being that you wanted to focus on yourself, university, your writing among other things. Indeed, because of my scepticism when you did break up with me I told you "This better not be your way of breaking up with me lightly because I know girls, or anyone for that matter, say these kind of things when breaking up with someone"

 

Still, you replied and insisted that was not the case, you were not trying to break up with me lightly and you said I could even ask your friend whom you said you have talked to about everything on numerous occasions to testify to everything you have said.

 

While I do somewhat respect that decision, I still think it was pretty poor on your part for not:

 

1. Talking to me about everything before breaking up with me, expressing your worries or how you were feeling so we could work on it.

2. At least once attempt at making things work between us.

3. Breaking up with me over text and not in person.

4. Telling me the truth and instead lying to me.

 

Let's be honest, part of that reason was a load of crap, right? Part of the reason was because you're young, you're at university and want to experience new things, new guys. Basically, you hated the idea of being tied down in a relationship when you knew there were other guys out there that liked you (which you have told me about) and wanted to get with you. You have even told me in the past how you have "urges" to get with other people but you don't want to cheat.

 

Well what better way to get rid of all those urges and break up with me so you're free to sleep around with other guys without having to put in the commitment needed for a full-blown relationship or carrying all the guilt around with you. Why didn't you have the courage to tell me straight when breaking up with me? Because you didn't want to hurt me? By lying to me you have hurt me even more.

 

You refused to even try and at least once to try and make it work between us. It was a completely workable solution, (if your reasoning for focusing on yourself was indeed true, then you could have easily done that and still be in a relationship with me at the same time, we could of made sacrifices such as not seeing each other as often as we normally do or something, or simply asked for space instead of breaking up with me completely)

 

If you had loved me, which presumably you did after no longer than 2 measly days before breaking up with me you told me you loved me, told me I was the best, sending me all these heart emoticons over Facebook and planning on staying over with me for the week after your parents got back from their holiday, then you would have at least tried. Instead, your actions spoke louder than words, the act of breaking up with me, refusing to talk to me and refusing to try and make things work showed quite clearly the opposite of what you had said, it showed me that you in fact didn't love me.

 

When I asked if you still loved me you said "God knows" because you couldn't pluck up the courage to say no. Only after my constant nagging to try and get you back did you eventually say no.

 

Not only did you not pluck up the courage to tell me the true reasons for breaking up with me, but you also couldn't pluck up the courage to break up with me face to face, instead choosing to do it over Facebook. That hurt me, made me feel like after everything I meant nothing to you. I know you have been in a lot of relationships with other guys, and I'm not criticizing you for that or anything, but it makes me wonder whether in fact I was just one of your "rebound relationships" as they call it.

 

The lies didn't end there however. You told me how you didn't want me to move into the flat we had been planning on moving in together for the better part of half a year any longer. You told me you wanted to live alone in the flat and have it to yourself, that you needed space not just from me but from everyone and that you wanted to change the room I was supposed to be moving into, into a writing room. I believed you. Yet after 6 days I found out you were now planning and "couldn't wait" to move into the new flat with (name). Fair enough had it been you changed your mind over several weeks or months, but 6 days? You treated me like a fool and I fell for it once again...

 

People usually take the phrase "actions speak louder than words" as being an obvious statement. However, it's amazing how love can make one blind to reality, choosing to believe words rather than the actions themselves. Now I have learned that people make time for the people they love, no matter how difficult the circumstances may be, which I thought you did but clearly not.

 

I think you are a very confused young woman, I don't mean that in a disrespectful way, despite how words on paper cannot convey that fact. You say you can't commit and that you should have stayed single all along and yet you were the one constantly trying to pressure me and manipulate me into proposing to you and having kids with you. One minute you wanted kids and the next you didn't, one minute you loved me and wanted to be with me and the next you didn't, constantly threatening to break up with me because it was either your way or no way at all.

 

You have said in the past how you don't like following how other people expect you to do things and yet at the same time you expected me to follow your way every time.

 

You even told me you wanted to be single after you broke up with me and yet you told me your feelings came back for your ex when you met him. You then said "thankfully it wouldn't work because he is in (place)" as if to suggest that if he wasn't in (place) then you would have eventually left me for him anyway.

 

You have fed me so many lies I begin to wonder why I even trusted you in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, I am not putting all the blame on you because I know a relationship works both ways and that I am not completely absolved from all blame, I've told you about my mistakes and all that before anyway. But the fact of the matter is I may have lost respect for myself and you too may have lost respect for me for constantly trying to get you back after we had just broken up but at the same time I'm glad I tried all I could possibly do to make things work between us and try to get you back because of how much you meant to me and how much I loved you, unlike you who didn't try at all, lied to me and broke up with me over text. If I hadn't tried so hard to try and get you back then I would have never been able to forgive myself, because you are the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Go ahead and curse me for not being able to move on so quickly as you, it might have been easier for you as the dumper having most likely planned it for a while but for me it was all so sudden, riddled with lies and confusement. I'm sure I'll get over it in time, not a week or two like you seem to expect me to.

 

You were my first love and I will always have a place for you in my heart despite everything you have said and done. You have also taught me a lot about not just relationships in general but also about myself so if anything good is to come from this letter then let it at least be me thanking you for that.

 

Great letter!!!! Now rip it up. What advice would you give me if I had written that letter to my ex?

[BriNyc82]

Lately I don't really miss "him" so much. I miss me. I miss the me that would walk around with a glow and exude confidence and smile. I miss feeling lit up and confident in ME and US. I miss waking up happy. I miss feeling at ease and peaceful right before I went to bed. I miss feeling like someone cared about me.

 

The hardest part is not him being gone physically. It's that he's still inside my brain and I can't let him out. I miss that happy version of me. I'm petrified that if I could have been so happy and had no reservations and been blindsided that it could happen again. I'm scared he broke me. I was someone who was so confident. He damaged me.

 

How can I trust anyone again?

[BriNyc82]

So I may have disregarded everyone's advice, I hope everyone who told me not to send the letter doesn't hate me for it.

 

Anyway, you were all right, she is now saying she is going to get a restraining order against me.. just for sending her a letter, I mean fair enough the last time we spoke which was 3 weeks ago she said I don't think we should keep in contact any longer because it was hurting her speaking to me because she knew I was hurting at the time, but now she is actually planning on going through getting a restraining order against me just for sending a letter? -_-

 

I don't even know how that would work anyway since we go to the same university and everything.

 

Oops my response was too late. I didn't read this. She probably just doesn't want you to keep making her feel guilty. My ex told me he can't live knowing that every time I reach out its just to make him feel guilty or feel bad. She probably feels the same. I'm sorry. Your letter has a lot of pain in it. She heard you out. But it's time to move on without her.

[Phoenixashes]

Didn't think much about him today. :/ Sad feeling recalling how we spoke from Sun up to down. At work. Together. Apart

 

Wish he treated me Better.

[finalendeavor]

Lately I don't really miss "him" so much. I miss me. I miss the me that would walk around with a glow and exude confidence and smile. I miss feeling lit up and confident in ME and US. I miss waking up happy. I miss feeling at ease and peaceful right before I went to bed. I miss feeling like someone cared about me.

 

The hardest part is not him being gone physically. It's that he's still inside my brain and I can't let him out. I miss that happy version of me. I'm petrified that if I could have been so happy and had no reservations and been blindsided that it could happen again. I'm scared he broke me. I was someone who was so confident. He damaged me.

 

How can I trust anyone again?

 

We really are psychological twins, I swear. This is exactly how I feel. I want myself back. I used to be vibrant, I used to light up every room. He always made me feel so sure that his feelings for me were as strong as mine were for him, and then... He just ended it. Like nothing. It was over, done. I feel like I'll never trust again. I thought he was so trustworthy, because of how supportive and there for me he was, particularly when I shared difficult parts of my past with him. It's hard to accept that someone so caring can just stop without any warning. It feels like nothing was real, and that I'll question if anything in the future really is. PM me, we can be breakup buddies. You seem to really understand

 

I really want to break NC and reach out. Even just request him on Facebook to sort of reopen the door a little bit. The urge started a little yesterday, but keeps getting stronger and more frequent. Someone convince me not to do it. I have my entire scenario in a thread on my profile, if curious.

Edited August 20, 2015 by finalendeavor

[NVO]

We really are psychological twins, I swear. This is exactly how I feel. I want myself back. I used to be vibrant, I used to light up every room. He always made me feel so sure that his feelings for me were as strong as mine were for him, and then... He just ended it. Like nothing. It was over, done. I feel like I'll never trust again. I thought he was so trustworthy, because of how supportive and there for me he was, particularly when I shared difficult parts of my past with him. It's hard to accept that someone so caring can just stop without any warning. It feels like nothing was real, and that I'll question if anything in the future really is. PM me, we can be breakup buddies. You seem to really understand

 

I really want to break NC and reach out. Even just request him on Facebook to sort of reopen the door a little bit. The urge started a little yesterday, but keeps getting stronger and more frequent. Someone convince me not to do it. I have my entire scenario in a thread on my profile, if curious.

 

I know how you feel, I've shared difficult parts of my past with my ex too. I trusted her, and it's a strange feeling that someone you trust that much can put you aside like you are nothing more than trash. Even when we talked post break-up she told me it's ok to cry and boy did I cry in her arms. I shared all my insecurities with her, like I used to do. I don't regret it, but when I did it wasn't the same... She was more distant. Caring, but distant. That hurts.

 

You shouldn't reach out to him. I've followed some of your posts, and your struggle. You are doing great and it's a shame to throw all of your hard work away just like that. But if you really feel like doing it, no matter how many people will advice against it, you will eventually do it. But do you really want to hand over your self-respect on a silver platter?

[Xiomn]

Ex just texted me to say she is going out with someone else, whom she named.

 

Finally got closure, her admitting that she lied to me all along.

[loveforever101]

Woke up after having a dream about my ex girlfriend, didn't feel so great for a couple of hours after that. Its okay though I just found out a local band is interested in my guitar skills. Things really can turn around quickly! (:

[Mathematics]

Ex just texted me to say she is going out with someone else, whom she named.

 

Finally got closure, her admitting that she lied to me all along.

 

I hope you really didn't give her the satisfaction of a reply.

[Xiomn]

I hope you really didn't give her the satisfaction of a reply.

 

Eh.. I thought about it, I wanted to end the conversation with her being the last one to say something to give the impression I didn't give a ****.

 

but..

 

I said "Thanks, I knew I was right all along about you lying to me. Goodbye."

[Arda199]

I was doing so f*cking well until our mutual stupid friends told me that my ex asked if i ever miss her or talk about her she even asked if i'm dating anyone right now. I was doing so well i even thought i've moved on and now i'm both upset and sad and i don't even know why. I'm so confused why would my stupid ex Ask about me when she's the one who dumped me and why the hell my friends are telling me this when i've made very damn clear that i don't want to her from her ever ever again

[Mathematics]

Eh.. I thought about it, I wanted to end the conversation with her being the last one to say something to give the impression I didn't give a ****.

 

but..

 

I said "Thanks, I knew I was right all along about you lying to me. Goodbye."

 

Thats exactly what she wanted. Time for proper NC

[ASV]

Promised myself not to post again here but need to vent the feeling of anxiety I feel when thinking I'll never ever be with her again, at how she may not feel any remorse at all and how pointless I feel making out with other women (hotter ones if I'm to trust my friends, still I couldn't care less) at the moment.

 

Seems like it ended up for good and after almost nine months post-BU she ain't coming back.

[Xiomn]

These h**s ain't loyal.

 

Couldn't resist.

 

No hard feelings

Edited August 20, 2015 by Xiomn

[finalendeavor]

Unsettling mood this evening. Sort of feeling like there's something wrong with me. There's all these stories of how guys almost always come back, and everyone I've talked to is sure he will regret leaving me, but he still hasn't spoken to me once since the breakup. Its been seven weeks. Was I that terrible? Urgh

[Xiomn]

When do you think you'll lose all hope? 3 months? 6 months? 9 months? 12 months? Gotta go on with life thinking he is never coming back as hard as it is.

[finalendeavor]

When do you think you'll lose all hope? 3 months? 6 months? 9 months? 12 months? Gotta go on with life thinking he is never coming back as hard as it is.

 

Good question. I'm a really intuitive person, but I've really got no idea with this one. I've never dealt with such a strong feeling of hope after the end of any relationship, I've always assumed I'd never hear from them/ didn't care. Where this is a new feeling for me, it's hard to get rid of. I know it's stupid and illogical, which is the worst part. Reading my story from the perspective of an outsider, it's laughable that I still have hope. I mean really, he hasn't spoken a single syllable to me since he ended things, almost two months ago. More often than not, silence is a product of indifference, even if I have people tell me that it's because he still has feelings. I like to think he still cares because of how things were during the relationship, and then I have to remind myself that he's a different person now. He might come back, he might not. All of mine have, but it doesn't mean this one will- even if I'm about 90% sure that he didn't leave me because of anything that directly had to do with me (how I looked/ acted, etc.)

[finalendeavor]

I watched a movie today, called "For a Good Time, Call..." And it really opened my eyes in a major way. The movie begins with a girl getting dumped by a guy because he's going to Italy and he tells her how "boring" their relationship is, dumping her, and telling her that he's been thinking about it for months. She tried to reason, but he wasn't having it. Months later, after ignoring her calls, he gets back from Italy and wants to meet up with her. He blathers on about his trip to Italy and a fiery fling he had with another woman, and then tells the dumped how much of mistake he made, and how he wants her back. After having had months to grow and look at life from a new perspective, she expressed indifference towards him, tells him he's an *******, and leaves.

 

This was so eye opening for me, because I realized I would react in a very similar fashion if my ex came back. When I remove myself from the scenario and see it from an outside perspective, like I did when I watched this movie, I realize how terrible my exe's actions were. It's such a joke.

 

I remember another member on here telling me that he'll regret it and that I'll eventually just look at him as a joke/ the guy who couldn't last in bed for more than the blink of an eye, and that member, Throldur, couldn't have been more spot on.

Edited August 21, 2015 by finalendeavor

[Phoenixashes]

I need to see that movie!^

 

Feeling ok. Some sad feels and I have nothing to place them on.

 

Like before,I would associate them with him. Now, though I know he's the cause of a lot, there is no direct tie if that makes sense

[Xiomn]

I watched a movie today, called "For a Good Time, Call..." And it really opened my eyes in a major way. The movie begins with a girl getting dumped by a guy because he's going to Italy and he tells her how "boring" their relationship is, dumping her, and telling her that he's been thinking about it for months. She tried to reason, but he wasn't having it. Months later, after ignoring her calls, he gets back from Italy and wants to meet up with her. He blathers on about his trip to Italy and a fiery fling he had with another woman, and then tells the dumped how much of mistake he made, and how he wants her back. After having had months to grow and look at life from a new perspective, she expressed indifference towards him, tells him he's an *******, and leaves.

 

This was so eye opening for me, because I realized I would react in a very similar fashion if my ex came back. When I remove myself from the scenario and see it from an outside perspective, like I did when I watched this movie, I realize how terrible my exe's actions were. It's such a joke.

 

I remember another member on here telling me that he'll regret it and that I'll eventually just look at him as a joke/ the guy who couldn't last in bed for more than the blink of an eye, and that member, Throldur, couldn't have been more spot on.

 

Thing is, now you've watched that (not watched it myself) it's probably got your hopes up even if only a little, that he will come back, maybe now you don't want him to come crawling back so you can both reconcile, but maybe now I bet deep down there's still a part of you that wants him to come back just so you can do what the girl does and tell him to F off when he does.. And who is to say if he doesn't that would hurt you again because he never gave you that opportunity.

[MichRob1]

I'm not coping well today. I go through phases of crying uncontrollably, wondering how he could possibly do this to me after so many times telling me I was the one and that I would never be hurt again... to wondering what he might be feeling - sometimes I am sure he must be sad (he said he is, but knows it's the right thing to do) to wondering if he's happily getting on with his life with no thought of me whatsoever.

[BriNyc82]

I too have had an epiphany moment in the shower. I realized he made a decision for the both of us. He made a decision that affects not only his life but mine. If he really cared about me even as a friend he should have wanted me to understand at least for my own sake. He knew I was so confused and he never cared to ease that. But he's more selfish than I thought and I didn't know him as well as I thought.

 

i know my life will be ok bc it has to continue and I will be happy. I think about if we had continued another 3 months. 6 months. Year. 5 years. What would it reallllllly look like. Pretty boring I think. I don't think he would have challenged me to go outside my comfort zone since he's such a routine person. I don't think he would have travelled the world with me. I don't think he would have had the same excitement for life

 

I was really sad this morning when I woke up and missing him. But now I feel better.