How are you coping today?

August 18, 2015

Xiomn, do NOT send that letter. I think it's good that you wrote the letter, for YOURSELF, but do not send it. Based on what you've written, your ex is not going to receive it in the way you want her to, and I think you will be sorely disappointed with the outcome.

August 18, 2015

Feeling...weird today.

No desire to contact...but he started talking, I probably would.

August 18, 2015

After having a wonderful 3 weeks which i didn't think of my ex much, now i feel weird because i just saw the guy that her friends told me she likes

August 18, 2015

NC is still without alternative. It's still the best thing to do to heal. I know it. But still ... unconsciously I seem to believe, or at least hope that he will regret it. He MUST regret it someday, mustn't he?? Cause if it is the right decision to leave me, who am I?? It can't be right to leave me. Cause I'm great, I'm nice, I'm lovely, I'm a good person. But if it can be right for him to leave me ... than I must be wrong and bad. And I don't want to feel this! And even though I know that this is not true and oversimplified and that break ups are more complex than that, still something in me is horribly afraid to find: That's it, he left me, and he still thinks it's the best decision, so that means: I'm worth nothing. I am nothing.

August 18, 2015

I moved back home a few days ago for a few weeks, as a result I don't have access to the gym anymore so I've substituted the time for doing some volunteering at BHF, that and it's part of my wider goal to get work experience anyway but it keeps my mind off things.

Also cheers for replies on my previous comment.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Xiomn

August 18, 2015

These days my overall mood is so inconsistent. At times I'm doing ok; at times it feels like there are two of me fighting inside for supremacy. One would be the old me, the one before the break up, and the other would be the new me - the one who came into the world the day it all ended. To illustrate my moody behavior, a few days ago I wrote a lengthy reply to one of Mathematics’ posts, but by the time it was done I was so drained and in a different mood that I refrained from posting it. I now feel guilty as I want to contribute to this great forum and these great people whose struggles I keep reading about.

Here's a few things that helped me keep my head above the water ever since the break up. Hopefully it can benefit you as well, and hopefully I will post it this time.

First, I make plans - both short-term and long-term. I do it even when I'm not 100 percent up for it. For instance, lately I moved and one of the most recent small plans was to buy a lamp I would use for reading. So I picked the day, picked the store; you might say it was my tiny mission for that day. Long-term plans involve concerts I want to go to abroad. Some are a few months from now; others are half a year from now. Often I would make a plan to go out and when the time came I really would not feel like going, but what I do is force myself to step through that door. I've discovered that when I'm there, at the concert, at the gym or wherever, it feels great. It feels great to be around other people who share some of my interests. But getting there can be tricky so you have to push yourself sometimes. Trust me on this.

Second, I watch YouTube videos where people talk about their break-ups. Of course, find those who you feel are sincere and are not in it for the view count. I feel connected to these people, and it's the second best thing to talking (face to face) with someone who is going through the exact same hell you are experiencing. Also, there are some great motivational videos out there, as well as videos about love, heartbreak, healing etc. Often when I feel down, I remember the faces and the names of all those people who went or are going through the same thing I am.

Third, I saved on the side a few inspiring messages and posts that I found online (on forums, blogs, websites). Sometimes when I need a boost I reread these words of wisdom. I suggest you do the same. Often I would find a post here that would be uplifting, but I would not save it. Big mistake! I swear, some people here are so helpful and their advice is so deep that it deserves to be engraved or framed! Save those sentences. Read them again and again. If you don’t, you'll forget them; you'll forget where you discovered them. But you'll need them. They can help you. Every little bit helps.

Fourth, recognize that you have no idea what is right there around the corner. Many of us did not know a break up was right around the corner, but it was, right? Well, accept that you really don't know what's around the next corner. When I say accept, I really mean accept it; make peace with that fact of life; become one with that fact. Your ex might return one day (very unlikely for many of us, but anything can happen), or someone/something better might be there waiting for you. Since you have no way of knowing, try to let go of guessing what's around the corner. Don’t pour your energy down that bottomless hole. Instead, focus your energy on the now as much as you can. Invest in the now. Rebuild yourself, upgrade your spirit and your body so that you become the strongest version of yourself so far. That way you will be in a better position to deal with whatever is out there just around the next bend. By doing this you won't be caught unprepared.

You invested so much in the relationship because it mattered to you, and there’s no shame in that. On the contrary, it shows how devoted, focused and committed you can be as a person. Now it's time to commit that energy to rebuilding yourself. You can do it! How do I know this? Because you did it for your relationship! You bled and fought tooth and nail. Now do it for yourself. You've proven you're capable of such feats

Edited August 18, 2015 by Quintessence

August 18, 2015

Of course Xiomn. Writing letters to your ex is very therapeutic. I've written some too. Never sent 'em though, hehe.

As for how I'm coping. I will say that today and yesterday I've felt so much better than I've felt in forever. I can't believe it's been 8 months of no contact. It feels like it's been ages of just continuous pain and I'm finally seeing the light creep in and shards of hope for my future. It's the craziest thing because I never thought I'd see the light of day again. I truly thought I was destined for lifelong solitude. And who knows, maybe I am, but I'd rather be single than with someone who doesn't treat me properly.

I knew from the start this would be one of the most difficult things to overcome and it has been immensely difficult, but I'm so thankful for this board and just the ability to keep breathing. Feeling somewhat hopeful is something I wasn't sure I'd experience again. I truly didn't.

I can say that not looking at his pictures in a little over 2 months has helped me so much. I know what I can and can't handle and that is an area I cannot handle. Definitely feel like I'm improving and achieving peace.

Today is good.

August 18, 2015

Ups and downs. 2 weeks NC out of a 3.5 month long relationship. I know, it's not long. But I loved her. Dumped in a sh*tty, blind-siding way: text, after she distanced herself. Beginning to understand that she had a lot of symptoms of borderline, and that there was nothing I could do. It was going to end with my devaluation, anyway.

Lonely, sad. Lost my best friend, who I could talk to about anything. Thrown out like last week's trash. Wishing she'd text, just so I could ignore it. Not even sure if she decided to stay living in my town or not.

Hopeless, bored. Dreading dating again. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day, and put enough tomorrows together, you get a new mindset.

August 18, 2015

Dumped in a sh*tty, blind-siding way: text, after she distanced herself.

Thrown out like last week's trash. Wishing she'd text, just so I could ignore it.

Know that feel man, technology has messed up break-ups big time by making people feel its okay to dump over text, Facebook etc. I very much doubt anyone would even think about dumping in person any more, apart from maybe the people who have been dumped by text and realize how pathetic it is.

August 18, 2015

Know that feel man, technology has messed up break-ups big time by making people feel its okay to dump over text, Facebook etc. I very much doubt anyone would even think about dumping in person any more, apart from maybe the people who have been dumped by text and realize how pathetic it is.

While I agree, I also don't care how common it is. If this person was at all what I actually wanted in a partner, being broken up with like this wouldn't have happened. I need to remember (for a variety of reasons I've written about here) that this giant bullet dodged me.

August 18, 2015

Almost two months after a ~six month relationship, I'm part of the "dumped by text" club as well. Miss him more than anything today, haven't even gotten a smoke signal since he broke up with me. I hate that his last impression of me was probably a negative one. His last words to me were literally "I think I need to be alone. I swear I'm going to die alone lol". I feel so disposable.

August 19, 2015

I really miss living someone, talking to someone.

I feel a little bit lost. Sometimes I look back and I really miss my ex. And then other times, i look back and i really just miss the last guy I was dating (the one who moved on before I could be ready to date him).

Sometimes, i think back at the traits that my ex had. And it all just felt familiar with him. But I know that I really could move on and forget my ex if i do meet the right person. I truly feel like I am ready to move on from my ex.

But, the problem is every time I talk to someone new, the problem isnt that I compare them to my ex, the problem is that I compare them to the last guy I dated!

The dynamic between last guy I was dating/talking to and I, was filled with endless conversations talking about everything and anything. And i could literally tell him anything, no matter what it was, anything, you name it, and I never once was judged. I miss that so much. I didnt even share those kinds of conversations with my ex.

And now, every guy that I talk to, i cant help but just compare them to the last guy i was dating. I find myself missing the last guy I was dating a lot. I miss the conversations so much. I miss that company. I really really wish that I could have realized what i had when i had it, or that I could have been ready to date this guy , and to at least have given it a TRY. Who knows, maybe me and him wouldnt even have worked out. But it would have been nice to just have tried it.

And i was really thinking about it, and was trying to be honest with myself. And think it was the fact that the new guy moved on and started dating another girl, that made me even realize what i had let go. I have to be honest. If the new guy was still single right now, i am not so sure I would have been willing to commit to him unless he gave me an ultimatum or something. I think that I would have continuted to remain friends with him. But i never really thought that he would have moved on so quickly.

I dont know. I saw the pictures of him and his GF, and they really look happy and in love. It is so crazy. But i look at the pictures, and the love that they seem to potray in these photos, and i cannot be mad at that. I do care about this guy, even if we are not in each others life anymore, and i know what kind of background that he comes from, so to see him happy makes me feel better.

I just really miss our conversations. I dont know what i feel for this guy, to be quite honest. Maybe it is just jealousy of seeing them together, of wanting what i cannot have? But at the same time, i knew he was dating this girl for quite some time now. And it didnt really bother me until recently. Until, i had the closure from ex, and was ready to date, and thats when it started to bother me and realized i made a mistake by letting him go.

I keep thinking and missing the talks, and the intellectual stimulation in our conversation, and the witty jokes. I miss it, and i feel like i need that kind of mental stimulation soon, because i feel so dead without it.

I am perfectly okay with being alone and independent, i am just so bored! It has been so long since i have showed and offered my love to someone else. I am not into random hookups and things like that, they are not what i want and are looking for. Before, i may have been looking for someone to heal me, save me, complete me. But now, now its different. Now, i am looking to share all that I have with someone else. I dont need someone else to complete me, i just want to offer all that i can to someone else. Its different now, and i feel so ready! and theres just no one to give it to now.

And noe every guy that i talk to, i compare them to the last guy i would talk to. Because i just simply miss those damn conversations. I miss the exchange of our witty sense of humor , and the deep conversations about anything. Now, hes with someone else and im sure she is all that he sees right now.

I hate my love life.

I am honestly just so confused. Perhaps if me and the new guy were to have gotten together, maybe i would have never fell in love with him. I am not sure i ever felt passionately for him. There was physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental chemistry. But, I am not so sure i could have felt the same "spark" as i did with my first love. But, on the other hand, we never really had the chance to see what could have sprouted. /: I am so confused.

I honestly just miss talking to him. I miss the conversations. And its not just anyone that I want to share a conversation with, its him. Because when we talked, they were honestly funny and interesting. Ugh i feel so frustrated.

I used to be naive. And for a long time, i waited for my first love expecting him to come back to me. He never did. So i am not that dumb this time to believe that this guy will come back. It is highly unlikely, as he is now in a happy realtionship with somebody else. All i can do is just move on, again. Like i did the first time with my ex. I hope, i really hope i meet someone i can share those kinds of talks with again. I feel like id be damn lucky if I ever got to. /: blah.

I guess i just have to be patient, even though i have waited for over 2 years now. ugh im frustrated

Edited August 19, 2015 by freebird31

August 19, 2015

I guess sometimes it just takes losing something to really realize in clear form what you had. id be really lucky if I ever got that kind of chance with someone again

August 19, 2015

Still feeling good since I blocked/deleted her off social media. Not heard from her either. Thinking to the future with holiday plans afoot. New girl has suggested coming with me so sounds like she's taking things seriously.

Also, not exactly linked but I am cutting out pornography from my life. Not finding it hard yet and hoping it will make me more productive as I have a lot of important things to do this next few months. Might make me appreciate the new girl more too and remove negative thoughts about women that are accentuated by the break up!

August 19, 2015

Sometimes I find myself thinking about my ex with another guy. It's like I see him banging her in front of my eyes. I feel this in my stomach, it hurts. But also I feel stupid because there is no evidence of her seeing someone else (I guess). It's all just based upon assumptions. I think everyone will recognize this kind of feeling, so how about some effective tips to look at this in another way?

I like to think that I already did this with her, and now somebody else has to deal with her problems. Also I guess I just have to be happy for her for finding someone else that is making her happy... But it's hard because I'm the one left behind and right now there isn't another girl for me.

Edited August 19, 2015 by NVO

August 19, 2015

3 months post break up, I'm feeling much better but I still miss her. Its such a shame you threw away our relationship when I would've always been there for you. Its sad how one day someone can mean so much to you and then the next they basically don't exist...

August 19, 2015

3 months post break up, I'm feeling much better but I still miss her. Its such a shame you threw away our relationship when I would've always been there for you. Its sad how one day someone can mean so much to you and then the next they basically don't exist...

It's weird alright. I think just like you. I made some mistakes, but I would have always been there for here too. I was caught up in my working routine, should have gone on more dates, but I possess other qualities that make me one hell of a partner. And by reading your comment I think you possess those qualities too. Enjoy that feeling, because it means we are caring people and somewhere down the line someone will be very happy to receive our love and care.

August 19, 2015

Sometimes I find myself thinking about my ex with another guy. It's like I see him banging her in front of my eyes. I feel this in my stomach, it hurts. But also I feel stupid because there is no evidence of her seeing someone else (I guess). It's all just based upon assumptions. I think everyone will recognize this kind of feeling, so how about some effective tips to look at this in another way?

I like to think that I already did this with her, and now somebody else has to deal with her problems. Also I guess I just have to be happy for her for finding someone else that is making her happy... But it's hard because I'm the one left behind and right now there isn't another girl for me.

I sometimes have that thought pop into my head too, it feels as if my guts have imploded and turned inside out! I've yet to share my story but basically what happened was we broke up a week prior a holiday we booked with some mutual friends, during the holiday we were playing drinking games, was based on truth or dare and found new things about her I did not know like being in a 3 some when she was younger and the thought of that is now imprinted in my brain and every time it comes up in my head I feel sick, I know it was her past but still...I've not contacted her since after the holiday and its hard to say the least

August 19, 2015

So I may have disregarded everyone's advice, I hope everyone who told me not to send the letter doesn't hate me for it.

Anyway, you were all right, she is now saying she is going to get a restraining order against me.. just for sending her a letter, I mean fair enough the last time we spoke which was 3 weeks ago she said I don't think we should keep in contact any longer because it was hurting her speaking to me because she knew I was hurting at the time, but now she is actually planning on going through getting a restraining order against me just for sending a letter? -_-

I don't even know how that would work anyway since we go to the same university and everything.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Xiomn

August 19, 2015

So I may have disregarded everyone's advice, I hope everyone who told me not to send the letter doesn't hate me for it.

Anyway, you were all right, she is now saying she is going to get a restraining order against me.. just for sending her a letter, I mean fair enough the last time we spoke which was 3 weeks ago she said I don't think we should keep in contact any longer because it was hurting her speaking to me because she knew I was hurting at the time, but now she is actually planning on going through getting a restraining order against me just for sending a letter? -_-

I don't even know how that would work anyway since we go to the same university and everything.

I've been reading a bit about your story. I have no unique advice; NC, NC, NC. I'm sorry that everything kind of blew up though. She'll probably cool down if you just disappear for awhile.

I'm in a weird place mentally today; I'm almost to the point that I literally have no words or thoughts left for C. I have some residual emotions hanging around, but NC is laughably easy at this point because I legitimately have absolutely nothing to say to him. Everyday, I like him a little less as a person. The way he treated me was terrible, I've finally removed my rose-tinted glasses. He was selfish, paraded me around, expected me to be accepting and accommodating of all of his feelings. He never gave a damn about me, which is probably why he was able to discard me like a piece of garbage. What he did to me was something I wouldn't even do to someone I hate. The whole thing just kind of disgusts me; he disgusts me.

Sometimes I hope that, if I sit in the shower long enough, I can wash off his touch, it'll be like it never happened. The thought of everything honestly makes my stomach turn. I was manipulated.

August 19, 2015

Assuming you sent the same letter and there isn't anything you haven't told us then that's an overreaction. Sounds like a crazy woman! See it as a positive of enforced no contact!

August 19, 2015

Yes she is crazy, I'm going to list all the things I thought was bat-sh** crazy about her:

1. We met over Facebook before heading off to university (basically a way to make friends before starting) After maybe a month or so of speaking to her over Facebook, exchanging pictures etc. she asked me out and at the time I was like "but we haven't even met in person yet, how could you possibly want to get with me when you haven't met me?, Maybe we should wait and see after we have met up first."

2. On the first day we did meet she wanted to have sex with me. I mean what the hell?

3. We were together for 10 months, about 2 months into the relationship she was talking about having kids with me and wanting me to propose to her. I refused to buy her a proposal ring because I thought it was crazy and too soon and so she spent money and bought herself a ring instead. This topic popped up a lot during the course of the relationship and caused a lot of arguments. I was of the opinion I didn't want to rush into things so quickly AND because we were both at university I didn't feel anywhere near capable of being able to support a family being in full-time education, no home to ourselves and no job. She was in the exact same position as me and for some crazy reason deluded herself into thinking she could handle everything and she would be the perfect mum.

4. She continually tried to pressure me and manipulate me into having kids with her and proposing to her, threatening to break up with me all the time if she didn't get her way. What's even worse is that she has continually told me that she is sick of having to go through life following what other people (mainly her parents) expect her to do and yet at the same time she continually tried to pressure me into doing everything her way, it was basically her way or no way at all. She even later told me she can't commit and that she should of stayed single all along but if anything I was the one that couldn't commit not her, as she was the one wanting me to propose to her and have kids with her, she was even planning the costs of the wedding on a piece of paper for Christs sake.

5. She continually changed her mind about things all the time, she was a very confused young woman in my eyes, one minute she wanted kids and then the next minute she would be telling me didn't want kids anymore, then she would change again and tell me she wants to adopt. One minute she would tell me she loves me and then threatening to break up with me the next. She wanted me to live in the new flat with her then she changed her mind and wanted to live in it alone, then she changed her mind again saying she can't wait to move into the flat with her best friend. In a way the previous point about not being able to commit seems true if you take this into account, but my point still stands.

--Will edit when If I think of anything else--

Edited August 19, 2015 by Xiomn

August 19, 2015

Hmm y'now part of me now thinks I'm glad I broke NC, 50/50 regret I guess. Reason being I kind of feel better knowing that she knows I know she lied to me and I've caught her out on it. I didn't want to not break NC and make her delude herself into thinking she got away with lying to me and putting me down lightly and treating me like a fool.

Now she knows I've lost respect for her just as much as she lost respect for me because of my begging. Most of the letter was criticizing her to be honest if you read it, which I know obviously isn't the best way to communicate with an ex by ripping into her faults if in the end you're looking for reconciliation in some form but i felt like it was stressing me out big time not telling her how I felt about her immaturity when previously I had put her on a pedestal. Writing letters down and not sending them I have found just doesn't help me anymore.. I needed that awareness that she has read it in order for me to accept and move on.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Xiomn

August 19, 2015

Hmm y'now part of me now thinks I'm glad I broke NC, 50/50 regret I guess. Reason being I kind of feel better knowing that she knows I know she lied to me and I've caught her out on it. I didn't want to not break NC and make her delude herself into thinking she got away with lying to me and putting me down lightly and treating me like a fool.

Now she knows I've lost respect for her just as much as she lost respect for me because of my begging. Most of the letter was criticizing her to be honest if you read it, which I know obviously isn't the best way to communicate with an ex by ripping into her faults if in the end you're looking for reconciliation in some form but i felt like it was stressing me out big time not telling her how I felt about her immaturity when previously I had put her on a pedestal. Writing letters down and not sending them I have found just doesn't help me anymore.. I needed that awareness that she has read it in order for me to accept and move on.

I hope you continue to feel better. When I met my ex four weeks postbreak up I felt better but that was just me feeding the habit like a drug. I soon got miserable again.

August 19, 2015

I hope you continue to feel better. When I met my ex four weeks postbreak up I felt better but that was just me feeding the habit like a drug. I soon got miserable again.

Yeah that's my only fear now really, that my partial feeling of feeling good right now will only be temporary. The only problem I have now is trying to tackle the fact that I might get the urge to write another letter again in a few weeks time or something, but quite frankly I don't even think I would be able to write anything else right now without just repeating myself so It wouldn't be worth it because I think I've said everything. Then again I said that last time..

I know how she responded to this letter though, very angry and propping up the idea that she wants a restraining order, lol. don't know whether she'd go through with it though but I guess that's /once again\ taught me that I shouldn't break NC if that's how she responds.

Edited August 19, 2015 by Xiomn

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