How are you coping today?

[Xiomn]

I told one of my friends how my ex was now in a new relationship, he did some investigating (i didn't ask him too) and apparently she is just with him because she was getting a lot of attention from other guys and she put a relationship status up with him to make all the guys back off. Always thought it was a bit weird since she'd never met him in person before and he lives in a different country, it looked like an online relationship at first. So it turns out my ex didn't lie to me..yet.. even though everyone here would say I shouldn't care anyway but just thought I'd say.

 

On another note, I wrote another letter to my ex after having had several weeks to reflect on my thoughts about the relationship and her, it made me see how bad she treated me during the break up and so I felt the need to write another letter to get things off my chest. Just fighting off the urge to send it now, most of it is criticizing her for the lies she gave me when breaking up with me and criticizing her breaking up with me over text instead of face to face, refusing to at least once try and make things work in what was a completely workable solution, refusing to speak and express her worries and feelings to me before breaking up and also criticizing her for some of her actions during the relationship. Although at the end I did thank her for teaching me a lot of about myself and relationships in general.

 

If I sent it, that wouldn't end well for sure.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Xiomn

[Phoenixashes]

Been talking to ex more than I should have. I need to reel it back. He got a bit flirty and I'm kinda. Dunno. Can't go there.

...I just want to seriously have a friendship. I really want a friendship with him. Dunno if to just stop talking all together or see if things can stabilize.

[finalendeavor]

Trust me, when they have someone else and leave you; you constantly imagine them with that person, have dreams of them with the other person - it is awful. Pain is pain and I understand your loss/hurt but be glad there wasn't someone else in the picture (I have not been able to handle it)

 

Completely get the part bolded above. Some guys may think they're doing us a favour by giving us 'space' but like you said, this sort of silent treatment is really discomforting. Everyone keeps telling me it's really good he hasn't contacted me because it'll allow me get over him faster but they really don't understand how it feels to be out at sea on your own. (Plus I do think that someday I'll be over the breakup but not over my ex) They also really don't know how it feels to long for someone who just discarded you for good at their fancy; without any concern, without a how are you, without a hope you're okay, without a shred of sympathy/empathy.

 

I have been sitting here with questions swimming around my head for months, going over the breakup and our last morning together over and over again. I have been feeling like the past 6 years weren't real and that I meant absolutely nothing to someone who was my everything.

 

Sorry I probably sound so pathetic and I genuinely feel that way too. I lost a lot when I lost my ex - I have always been sociable but I never really had a 'group' of friends, his sister and her friends 'took me in' and was really becoming one of my closest friends. And although my ex and I were independent in many ways, we used to do a lot of things together, I used to tell him everything and had never really felt so secure before and now I've never felt so alone and lonely. I know I need to learn to be strong on my own and I believe I'll get there one day but I feel like I'm going to build up many walls on my way there and beyond that, I've also learnt that being strong doesn't equate to being happy.

 

This really struck a chord with me. That's exactly how I felt about my ex; I got along with his family and friends so well. I miss all of it so much. Sometimes I wonder if it didn't work out because he had more to bring to the "table" than I did. He left right as the relationship was starting to really take off; I struggle to understand it every single day. We were so comfortable and supportive around each other, too. It feels like all of it was a lie; that I could be such a close friend to him one day, and not **** the next. I really miss him. I dreamt that we got back together last night. It was so cruel when I woke up and none of it was real.

[NVO]

I've had a serious breakthrough this weekend. I realized my ex was not as great as I thought she was and she fell right of her pedestal. This feeling is very weird and strange, but something has changed in my mindset and I feel relieved. I still miss her though, but I'm going NC for at least three months and that should fix that!

[veryconfusedone]

I went to Walmart and bought a bunch of junk food to gorge on.

[Sunshine09]

Pretty crappy day today.

Can't see myself ever finding the connection with anyone else and it just adds to the depression.

 

There also isn't really much opportunity for me to meet anyone else. All my friends are getting mattied/enfaged/having babies right now. No one is really available to hang out or go anywhere.

[kenmore]

More anger. F-you J! All you ever cared about was yourself. I hope you are missing the gourmet meals I used to make for you every day. I hope you found someone else who is an *ss! I hope you are regretting everything! I hope your new BF makes lots of money so he can pay to have strangers do what I used to do!

 

Ahh, that felt good. I know it's not the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread, but this was here and I'm just pissed! Now I can get back to forgiving...

[Phoenixashes]

Yep. Definitely going no contact again. I found myself expecting more conversation today, getting way too happy getting messages, and increased emptiness again.

 

I won't get what I want. So that's that

[pillowpuffs]

Pretty crappy day today.

Can't see myself ever finding the connection with anyone else and it just adds to the depression.

 

There also isn't really much opportunity for me to meet anyone else. All my friends are getting mattied/enfaged/having babies right now. No one is really available to hang out or go anywhere.

 

I know exactly how you feel but I believe you're gonna be okay. Honestly. I know it doesn't count for much to hear me say that but you've progressed so much over the past few weeks (way more than I ever did when I was at your stage) and that's a definite sign of strength and willingness to accept and move on.

 

I don't know how you're going to meet other people, I struggle with that too because most of my friends have significant others and are settling down. The only friend I had who would be super down to going out is moving away this week for 2 years to do her masters so... This may be a stupid suggestion but perhaps getting a gym membership at a nice gym somewhere may be useful?

[kenmore]

I've had a serious breakthrough this weekend. I realized my ex was not as great as I thought she was and she fell right of her pedestal. This feeling is very weird and strange, but something has changed in my mindset and I feel relieved. I still miss her though, but I'm going NC for at least three months and that should fix that!

 

I did that, it helped a lot! Best wishes!

 

Ken

[Mathematics]

Monday morning. Glad to be heading to work as it will allow me to take my mind off things. Honstly feel like I am back to square one, 2 months post break up. I have only been up for 30 minutes but I have been thinking about her constantly.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Mathematics

[Mathematics]

Got such an urge to contact her and say how I've been feeling of late and explain why I have unfollowed her instagram and hidden her timeline on facebook. I am worried she will contact me about it and id rather get it out there... I really shouldn't be having these feelings.

[NVO]

Pretty crappy day today.

Can't see myself ever finding the connection with anyone else and it just adds to the depression.

 

Believe me, you will! I know exactly how you feel, but five years from now we'll look back and laugh at ourselves for having these thoughts.

 

Got such an urge to contact her and say how I've been feeling of late and explain why I have unfollowed her instagram and hidden her timeline on facebook. I am worried she will contact me about it and id rather get it out there... I really shouldn't be having these feelings.

 

You don't have to explain anything, but if you feel like it, maybe you should do it. But don't hate yourself for doing it, keep moving on. The first time I implemented NC I was worried if she would contact me and the effect of NC lost a little bit of its touch, so I know how you feel. For me it took meeting up with my ex to suddenly realize she was not that great after all, and if I started a thread about it I guess everybody here on LS would have advised against it. Now I'm not saying you should do this too, but sometimes it works to take on the confrontation.

 

I don't know your story, but give it some more time. Make a deal with yourself to sit this one out until next week. If you still feel like doing it, you will be able to make a decision that is not solely based on your feelings.

[Mathematics]

Believe me, you will! I know exactly how you feel, but five years from now we'll look back and laugh at ourselves for having these thoughts.

 

 

 

You don't have to explain anything, but if you feel like it, maybe you should do it. But don't hate yourself for doing it, keep moving on. The first time I implemented NC I was worried if she would contact me and the effect of NC lost a little bit of its touch, so I know how you feel. For me it took meeting up with my ex to suddenly realize she was not that great after all, and if I started a thread about it I guess everybody here on LS would have advised against it. Now I'm not saying you should do this too, but sometimes it works to take on the confrontation.

 

I don't know your story, but give it some more time. Make a deal with yourself to sit this one out until next week. If you still feel like doing it, you will be able to make a decision that is not solely based on your feelings.

 

Thanks for your reply. This is the second NC stint as we met for lunch 4 weeks post beak up only to return each others things. I didn't really open up at all, tried to but a brave face on but clearly it was all an act. This is the second period of NC but I wasn't doing it properly before and looked regularly at social media. A recent photo of her really knocked me back. I think she may know I unfollowed her as I see that her brother has unfollowed me now but he may have done that first.

[pillowpuffs]

This really struck a chord with me. That's exactly how I felt about my ex; I got along with his family and friends so well. I miss all of it so much. Sometimes I wonder if it didn't work out because he had more to bring to the "table" than I did. He left right as the relationship was starting to really take off; I struggle to understand it every single day. We were so comfortable and supportive around each other, too. It feels like all of it was a lie; that I could be such a close friend to him one day, and not **** the next. I really miss him. I dreamt that we got back together last night. It was so cruel when I woke up and none of it was real.

 

I get the whole bringing more to the table thing. I feel that way too. Like I wasn't enough basically and because I wasn't enough, I was disposable. My ex's life is very 'together', good family, good background, excelling in school etc and so he probably felt very secure in his life to let go of me.

 

I struggle with those dreams too. Waking up is cruel especially when I realise that I felt more happy in my dream then I have in months

[NVO]

Thanks for your reply. This is the second NC stint as we met for lunch 4 weeks post beak up only to return each others things. I didn't really open up at all, tried to but a brave face on but clearly it was all an act. This is the second period of NC but I wasn't doing it properly before and looked regularly at social media. A recent photo of her really knocked me back. I think she may know I unfollowed her as I see that her brother has unfollowed me now but he may have done that first.

 

You are not ready for this confrontation yet. It doesn't matter though, your time will come! In the meantime maybe you could write your explanation in a letter to her? Don't even think about sending it though, haha. Save it somewhere and get back to moving on, because right now this issue is holding you back. It's such a waste of your energy and your good effort!

 

Give yourself some time to cool off, let's say about a month. Now I know this may sound like a long time but you'll need it. After this month, in which you implement NC as best as you can and hopefully no messages from your ex, review the letter. If you still want to send it, do it. Don't send it to get your hopes up for a reaction, just send it for you!

 

If I was your ex, and I wanted to know why you unfollowed me and so on, I would contact you and ask you. If she does not do that, I think this is a sign that you don't have to worry about it. Worry about yourself, you are what's most important!

[veryconfusedone]

I'm really missing him a lot today.

[Mathematics]

You are not ready for this confrontation yet. It doesn't matter though, your time will come! In the meantime maybe you could write your explanation in a letter to her? Don't even think about sending it though, haha. Save it somewhere and get back to moving on, because right now this issue is holding you back. It's such a waste of your energy and your good effort!

 

Give yourself some time to cool off, let's say about a month. Now I know this may sound like a long time but you'll need it. After this month, in which you implement NC as best as you can and hopefully no messages from your ex, review the letter. If you still want to send it, do it. Don't send it to get your hopes up for a reaction, just send it for you!

 

If I was your ex, and I wanted to know why you unfollowed me and so on, I would contact you and ask you. If she does not do that, I think this is a sign that you don't have to worry about it. Worry about yourself, you are what's most important!

 

Thanks. Ill see how things go and not do anything on impulse. I would be interested to hear Candie's opinion on this

 

I feel much better tonight. Occupational therapy works wonders for me. I hate the weekends these days.

Edited August 17, 2015 by Mathematics

[finalendeavor]

Doing a little better. Just depressed about life now, not so much him. I feel lost and I miss his friendship and emotional support, but I'd probably reject him if he came back because of how poorly he treated me. You don't treat a girl like a queen, telling her that your feelings for her are different than what you've ever felt for anyone, and then dump her over text with the phrase "I don't know, I'm just not feelin it", and then ignore her and just leave it at that.

 

Grade A *******, I deserve a hell of a lot better. I don't need anyone who can't appreciate everything I've got to offer. He wasn't the best I could do, there's always other people out there, I don't need a guy to make me feel better about life/ myself anyways. I have developed a weird habit though, last little remnants of sadness.

 

This is too much information, but I'll masturbate and then cry afterwards because he was the last person I had sex with, so he always pops into my mind during it. It's really weird and annoying.

 

At this point I'm really just waiting for those last feelings of wanting him in my life to go away. I really want to add him back on Facebook as a half-assed way of reaching out and keeping a door open, but I'll never re-add him while I'm still feeling like this. I know if I saw him moving on it'd make all of the feelings come back strong as ever.

 

I need to get to that point when I feel nothing but indifference. Pathetic as it is, I admittedly want the ego boost of him trying to reach out to me. It's been such an ego hit where he hasn't spoken a single word to me- like I never existed.

Edited August 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and paragraphs

[Cupid's Puppet]

The thoughts have arrived again.

[NoMoreJerks]

Had a meltdown, after I broke the beer pint that I had gotten with him at the beer store, which was my favorite glass and the one that I used to use every time we hung out at his place and drank beer. I can get a new one, I hope. But it won't be the same, because that particular one, we had gotten it together.

[TunaCat]

I was doing so, so much better.

 

Until last week when I found out I had torn a tendon in my knee. It was a freak accident and I have no clue how it happened.

 

It took all of my self control NOT to text my ex after I heard the news. When something bad or good happened to me in the past, he was always the first person I texted. He was my rock, he was my support.

 

And not having that sucks so badly right now.

 

I have my family and I do love my family, but they've been through a lot with me. I have serious health issues that have meant I've been hospitalized countless times, had multiple major surgeries etc.

 

I just wish I hadn't lost him.

[NoMoreJerks]

^ i know what you mean... i feel the same way. when i heard the news of my sister being pregnant, i was so happy, i wanted to tell him. hang in there.

[Xiomn]

Need some advice on whether to send this letter to my ex, we've been broken up for 1 and a half months now and been NC for just under 3 weeks. Writing letters down to her and not sending them off doesn't help me because all day and before I go to bed I want to send it, I need the action of being able to send it to her in order to get the stress off my chest because writing it all down and not sending it isn't enough for me, I feel like not sending it off is actually making me feel worse.

 

Here it is:

 

Hi, I told myself that I wouldn't contact you in order to respect your decision for space and I know that you said we probably shouldn't keep in contact anymore but I feel the need to express myself and get things off my chest. I hope you understand, if not then you need not reply to me anyway.

 

I've been thinking a lot over the past few weeks, reflecting on the relationship and all that. Truth be told I have always been sceptical of your motives and reasoning for breaking up with me. The reason you gave has always been a thorn in my side, the reason being that you wanted to focus on yourself, university, your writing among other things. Indeed, because of my scepticism when you did break up with me I told you "This better not be your way of breaking up with me lightly because I know girls, or anyone for that matter, say these kind of things when breaking up with someone"

 

Still, you replied and insisted that was not the case, you were not trying to break up with me lightly and you said I could even ask your friend whom you said you have talked to about everything on numerous occasions to testify to everything you have said.

 

While I do somewhat respect that decision, I still think it was pretty poor on your part for not:

 

1. Talking to me about everything before breaking up with me, expressing your worries or how you were feeling so we could work on it.

2. At least once attempt at making things work between us.

3. Breaking up with me over text and not in person.

4. Telling me the truth and instead lying to me.

 

Let's be honest, part of that reason was a load of crap, right? Part of the reason was because you're young, you're at university and want to experience new things, new guys. Basically, you hated the idea of being tied down in a relationship when you knew there were other guys out there that liked you (which you have told me about) and wanted to get with you. You have even told me in the past how you have "urges" to get with other people but you don't want to cheat.

 

Well what better way to get rid of all those urges and break up with me so you're free to sleep around with other guys without having to put in the commitment needed for a full-blown relationship or carrying all the guilt around with you. Why didn't you have the courage to tell me straight when breaking up with me? Because you didn't want to hurt me? By lying to me you have hurt me even more.

 

You refused to even try and at least once to try and make it work between us. It was a completely workable solution, (if your reasoning for focusing on yourself was indeed true, then you could have easily done that and still be in a relationship with me at the same time, we could of made sacrifices such as not seeing each other as often as we normally do or something, or simply asked for space instead of breaking up with me completely)

 

If you had loved me, which presumably you did after no longer than 2 measly days before breaking up with me you told me you loved me, told me I was the best, sending me all these heart emoticons over Facebook and planning on staying over with me for the week after your parents got back from their holiday, then you would have at least tried. Instead, your actions spoke louder than words, the act of breaking up with me, refusing to talk to me and refusing to try and make things work showed quite clearly the opposite of what you had said, it showed me that you in fact didn't love me.

 

When I asked if you still loved me you said "God knows" because you couldn't pluck up the courage to say no. Only after my constant nagging to try and get you back did you eventually say no.

 

Not only did you not pluck up the courage to tell me the true reasons for breaking up with me, but you also couldn't pluck up the courage to break up with me face to face, instead choosing to do it over Facebook. That hurt me, made me feel like after everything I meant nothing to you. I know you have been in a lot of relationships with other guys, and I'm not criticizing you for that or anything, but it makes me wonder whether in fact I was just one of your "rebound relationships" as they call it.

 

The lies didn't end there however. You told me how you didn't want me to move into the flat we had been planning on moving in together for the better part of half a year any longer. You told me you wanted to live alone in the flat and have it to yourself, that you needed space not just from me but from everyone and that you wanted to change the room I was supposed to be moving into, into a writing room. I believed you. Yet after 6 days I found out you were now planning and "couldn't wait" to move into the new flat with (name). Fair enough had it been you changed your mind over several weeks or months, but 6 days? You treated me like a fool and I fell for it once again...

 

People usually take the phrase "actions speak louder than words" as being an obvious statement. However, it's amazing how love can make one blind to reality, choosing to believe words rather than the actions themselves. Now I have learned that people make time for the people they love, no matter how difficult the circumstances may be, which I thought you did but clearly not.

 

I think you are a very confused young woman, I don't mean that in a disrespectful way, despite how words on paper cannot convey that fact. You say you can't commit and that you should have stayed single all along and yet you were the one constantly trying to pressure me and manipulate me into proposing to you and having kids with you. One minute you wanted kids and the next you didn't, one minute you loved me and wanted to be with me and the next you didn't, constantly threatening to break up with me because it was either your way or no way at all.

 

You have said in the past how you don't like following how other people expect you to do things and yet at the same time you expected me to follow your way every time.

 

You even told me you wanted to be single after you broke up with me and yet you told me your feelings came back for your ex when you met him. You then said "thankfully it wouldn't work because he is in (place)" as if to suggest that if he wasn't in (place) then you would have eventually left me for him anyway.

 

You have fed me so many lies I begin to wonder why I even trusted you in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, I am not putting all the blame on you because I know a relationship works both ways and that I am not completely absolved from all blame, I've told you about my mistakes and all that before anyway. But the fact of the matter is I may have lost respect for myself and you too may have lost respect for me for constantly trying to get you back after we had just broken up but at the same time I'm glad I tried all I could possibly do to make things work between us and try to get you back because of how much you meant to me and how much I loved you, unlike you who didn't try at all, lied to me and broke up with me over text. If I hadn't tried so hard to try and get you back then I would have never been able to forgive myself, because you are the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Go ahead and curse me for not being able to move on so quickly as you, it might have been easier for you as the dumper having most likely planned it for a while but for me it was all so sudden, riddled with lies and confusement. I'm sure I'll get over it in time, not a week or two like you seem to expect me to.

 

You were my first love and I will always have a place for you in my heart despite everything you have said and done. You have also taught me a lot about not just relationships in general but also about myself so if anything good is to come from this letter then let it at least be me thanking you for that.

Edited August 18, 2015 by Xiomn

[Mathematics]

Xiomn, Id say hold fire on sending it a week and see how you feel. I know exactly how you are feeling and there are similarities between your situation and mine. 3 - 4 weeks after last contact hits me hard and it sounds like it is for you too. This weekend was 4 weeks and I was a mess. Feeling much better a couple of days later. Hold fire as sending the letter will make you feel short term but you will be back in this situation again in 3 to 4 weeks.