How are you coping today?

[pillowpuffs]

I hate that I still want to hear from him so badly, that I still need the validation. How often does it happen that someone dumps you and then never, ever contacts you again? The lack of closure and contact is so icy, it's like everything we experienced was a dream, like it never actually happened.

 

I'm so tired of being sad and caring when I know he probably doesn't.

 

 

My ex of 6 years dumped me after cheating on me, sort of basically had another girlfriend while with me, and it's been 11 weeks since the breakup, 11 weeks NC and 11 weeks since I've heard from him (I haven't contacted him).

 

I often wonder whether if I'll ever hear from him again. It definitely is a lack of closure. I know that a lot of people say that closure comes from within or there isn't such a thing as closure and I guess I get that but to be forgotten by someone you loved so much/cared for so deeply is a different kind of pain. It's honestly baffling and I don't think I'll ever find my own closure.

 

Conversely, I know it sucks when an ex breaks up with you and subsequently keeps in touch or wants to be friends but honestly, I think to be phased out entirely is really something else, it's like you never mattered. So I feel your pain and your struggle. I feel it everyday and I don't know what to do/what to think.

 

At this point though, I think I'll never hear from him again and that's been hard to accept but what else should I think? When people don't want you in their lives, and disappear so easily, I guess the hope and expectation (if any) for any future contact should/will also die.

Edited August 15, 2015 by pillowpuffs

[finalendeavor]

My ex of 6 years dumped me after cheating on me, sort of basically had another girlfriend while with me, and it's been 11 weeks since the breakup, 11 weeks NC and 11 weeks since I've heard from him (I haven't contacted him).

 

I often wonder whether I'll ever hear from him again. It definitely is a lack of closure. I know that a lot of people say that closure comes from within or there isn't such a thing as closure and I guess I get that but to be forgotten by someone you loved so much/cared for so deeply is a different kind of pain. It's honestly baffling and I don't think I'll ever find my own closure.

 

Conversely, I know it sucks when an ex breaks up with you and subsequently keeps in touch or wants to be friends but honestly, I think to be phased out entirely is really something else, it's like you never mattered. So I feel your pain and your struggle. I feel it everyday and I don't know what to do/what to think.

 

Mine didn't even have another girl; he decided he'd rather be alone than be with me.

 

I'm glad you can relate/ agree. I always have people kind of throw it in my face; that the lack of closure/ contact is no real reason to be upset. This never fails to irritate me- at the end of the day, we all want validation that what we felt and what we had was real, and that your feelings were at least somewhat reciprocated. I've had exes keep in contact, and I honestly find it preferable to the silent treatment. I know he doesn't owe me anything, but it hurts that it's so easy for them to just drop you.

 

When they cut contact with you completely, it really gives you this impression that they couldn't get away from you faster. Like you were last season's trend, to be discarded and ignored. Definitely emphasizes the overall feeling of rejection, particularly when you did nothing but treat them well and with kindness/ understanding. In my case, I didn't even beg or plead; I told him I disagreed and thought he was worth fighting for, but that I understood how he felt. I texted him a week later to just see how he was doing, and he straight up ignored me. Apathy is the lowest emotion, and that is exactly what silence implies.

[Xiomn]

Just found out my ex is now in a new relationship. After telling me she wanted to be alone, single, nobody, nada. When I was in the begging stage she kept telling me "don't you understand? I don't want to be with anybody! no one, single, alone, singlehood" as if to try and get it through my thick skull because i wasn't listening.

 

I then said this better not be your way of putting me down lightly because I know girls do this, and she replied along the lines of "Like I said relationships are a big no right now, I know where i want to be in life and I need to commit to that and nothing else if I want to get there, you can even ask my friend (name) whom i've talked to about this on numerous occasions in the past" Of course I followed up on that and asked her friend about it at the time and she reiterated the same thing really.

 

Turns out it was all a load of BS.

 

Only 5 and a half weeks after breaking up with me too,

You know what else is weird? It's with someone I think she has never even met in person before, I looked up his profile and he lives in a different country and everything. -_- Looks like it's an immature "online relationship" kinda thing.

 

And to think before she broke up with me she was all like "I should of stayed single all along, I can't commit and I just to be single and have fun"

 

Yeah..........

[Mathematics]

yeah, prob not the smartest move I ever made, but I let out all I had inside and while I never got an answer back, this helped me move on and put all that history behind me. It was almost like a magic trick.

 

thinking of your dream... maybe subconsciously you still wish to be contacting her quite badly and yet you know this will bring you lots of grief. This is the worst part of breakups, dealing with conflicting contradictory desires. Well, I think every break up is different and every RS is different. It took me a long long while to get over my break up with the guy I was seeing for 7 years, to be totally and completely over it. Much more than one year. But yeah, that's me, it takes me a long time to open up to someone and to get over someone.

 

good that you know where you are with your girl. if it's not broken, don't fix it .

 

 

It is made you feel better then great. I really hope it lasts.

 

Indeed, who knows where she is at but I gave her ample opportunity to ask me and I would have been honest and said I am fresh from a break up. She clearly didn't want to discuss it. As you say, nothing needs fixing.

[BriNyc82]

Just found out my ex is now in a new relationship. After telling me she wanted to be alone, single, nobody, nada. When I was in the begging stage she kept telling me "don't you understand? I don't want to be with anybody! no one, single, alone, singlehood" as if to try and get it through my thick skull because i wasn't listening.

 

I then said this better not be your way of putting me down lightly because I know girls do this, and she replied along the lines of "Like I said relationships are a big no right now, I know where i want to be in life and I need to commit to that and nothing else if I want to get there, you can even ask my friend (name) whom i've talked to about this on numerous occasions in the past" Of course I followed up on that and asked her friend about it at the time and she reiterated the same thing really.

 

Turns out it was all a load of BS.

 

Only 5 and a half weeks after breaking up with me too,

You know what else is weird? It's with someone I think she has never even met in person before, I looked up his profile and he lives in a different country and everything. -_- Looks like it's an immature "online relationship" kinda thing.

 

And to think before she broke up with me she was all like "I should of stayed single all along, I can't commit and I just to be single and have fun"

 

Yeah..........

 

I'm really sorry =( I am in the same boat as you. He said "just to be clear this isn't about me wanting to be free to see other people" and I said eventually you will meet someone and he said "trust me, i won't be dating for a while". And what do you know, 6 weeks later he is on a dating site and when I confronted him he FREAKED out on me like I was the crazy one. All I wanted was honesty.

 

But I have come to learn, whether he wanted to be alone. Or wanted someone else, it doesnt matter. He didnt want me. There is still truth in that. I'm so sorry you are going through this too. But you are not alone! hugs

[xpaperxcutx]

My ex has been with his rebound for 8 months now... technically she's beyond a rebound since he told his family about her. Being religious, tellig his family about her means they want to get married.

 

I'm super depressed and I do my best to move on but it's been so hard. I bumped into him on the train the other day and I just started crying.

 

 

I feel like ****. I even though about hurting myself thats how much pain I'm feeling....

[Sunshine09]

I'm okay mostly during the days. I can thwart my thought process if I do start to think of him and miss him, to the negative things he did and how crappy he made me feel a lot of the time.

 

But at night, I keep having dreams of him, which is out of my control, and end up waking up at 3/4 am and then I am messed up for awhile.

[Sunshine09]

I'm really sorry =( I am in the same boat as you. He said "just to be clear this isn't about me wanting to be free to see other people" and I said eventually you will meet someone and he said "trust me, i won't be dating for a while". And what do you know, 6 weeks later he is on a dating site and when I confronted him he FREAKED out on me like I was the crazy one. All I wanted was honesty.

 

But I have come to learn, whether he wanted to be alone. Or wanted someone else, it doesnt matter. He didnt want me. There is still truth in that. I'm so sorry you are going through this too. But you are not alone! hugs

 

my ex as well, a week prior, was like " I'll probably be single the rest of my life."

[candie13]

It is made you feel better then great. I really hope it lasts.

 

Indeed, who knows where she is at but I gave her ample opportunity to ask me and I would have been honest and said I am fresh from a break up. She clearly didn't want to discuss it. As you say, nothing needs fixing.

 

it didn't make me feel better, I was feeling like shyte when doing it, because I was /am the dumper. I had all the reasons to dump him, he was emotionally cold and he tricked me into going out with him for so long only to tell me his real feelings about marriage until days before meeting my family (yet he knew my position). Ironically, I was the one inlove and couldn't shake that immense feeling of guilt for having left him. Speaking of a big ego blow, to share all of my pain and feelings with him, in a situation where he obviously f*cked up and, on top of it, couldn't care less . Maybe I was going through an acute case of dumper's remorse, who knows, haha.

 

But yeah, undoubtedly, the effects of my sending that email were obviously positive and allowed me to make huge progress towards healing. Given his full NC, I am forcing myself to not even think about him. I sometimes feel - know - I've done it all wrong. But guess what, a bruised ego is easier to live with compared to a broken heart.

 

you're right, it worked. it's the only thing that matters.

 

Maybe it's too soon for you and your girl to have that talk. I remember I used to grieve over a guy and found myself a new bf. We were taking a bath together and I was sinking in the tube and he was holding me in his arms, and it felt so soothing, that I felt tears coming down my face. I was finally letting go. MAybe it's the right time to heal and not the right time to analyze where you guys are...

[Phoenixashes]

I had a really good day today.

I'm so grateful.

[kenmore]

Sitting here in a depressed drunken stupor, trying as hard as I can to not contact him or re-add him on Facebook. Someone talk some sense into me. I feel like he doesn't care and will never contact me again, and at the same time, I feel so futureless. All I want to do is have sex, drink, and do drugs until I die, forget and/or stop feeling anything. I can't handle the fact that I'm going nowhere and that the one person who understood feels nothing but indifference towards me. I treated him like gold, and he seemed to think I was so special

 

I know the feeling. I'm not in a drunken stupor (yet) in fact I have not had anything to drink tonight (yet) but I still wonder when and if the next contact will happen. I was almost fool enough yesterday to start thinking that maybe she is waiting to hear from me, and all I'd have to do is open the door by sending a quick email and the flood gates would open, then I realized what I was thinking! I thought it through for real and realized what a huge mistake that would be! Not only is there no chance of ever getting back together, but I would be handing her upper hand! I'd be setting myself up for ridicule and animosity and for what? I'm planning on leaving the area for good soon.

 

Obviously feelings like those are not logical. Fortunately logic can be used to fight them. My new motto: Always think it through completely before doing ANYTHING you are not 100% sure of.

 

Meanwhile, if you are still in the mood for sex and booze, are you anywhere near San Diego? Just askin'

 

Ken

[Mathematics]

The downward spiral to deression and the relapse continues. Ex's brother posted an instagram of him and my ex and she looked absolutely beautiful. Smiley, happy. It was captioned about how both of them only have family.

 

When I saw it the air rushed out of me and I shed tears last night. I also unfollowed both on instagram. On impulse but I cannot keep seeing her. I ca see that her brother has unfollowed me no. I thought I was close to be over her but I realise I have hardly begun. Now I just want to text her and tell her how I feel. How I still love her and whilst I continue to do so I cannot have reminders of her in my life. 4 weeks of no contact part 2. Feels horrible.

[Alza]

Away camping with the ex and kids. Coping fine because the three most special people to me are with me. Worried sick about how I'm going to feel when this week ends.

[Mathematics]

I wish that I had known where the unfollow button on facebook was. Done it. Hope the lack of reminders help me to move on.

[candie13]

The downward spiral to deression and the relapse continues. Ex's brother posted an instagram of him and my ex and she looked absolutely beautiful. Smiley, happy. It was captioned about how both of them only have family.

 

When I saw it the air rushed out of me and I shed tears last night. I also unfollowed both on instagram. On impulse but I cannot keep seeing her. I ca see that her brother has unfollowed me no. I thought I was close to be over her but I realise I have hardly begun. Now I just want to text her and tell her how I feel. How I still love her and whilst I continue to do so I cannot have reminders of her in my life. 4 weeks of no contact part 2. Feels horrible.

 

Math, NC is deleting fb. Unfollowing instagram and twitter. NC means no news. No new pics. you are cheating, that's why you're in pain. You're inflicting pain on yourself. Even deleting her from facebook and checking her profile and cover pic means you are cheating. It is normal to downspiral.

 

The other thing is... you need to not do these things, when you are by yourself. I am sure that if your girl was around, you wouldn't have cheated.... not that much. The new RS brings you ... some time off from suffering. But then it's gone - physically or more - you're back to square one, because you literally didn't work on your pain or on letting your ex go away. You are in the same place where you were right before meeting this new chick. You cannot run away from your pain, you need to learn to make your way through it. If you don't, there is a risk it will catch up with you in the most inconvenient moment. It will resurface. And it will take you by surprise.

 

It's good that new girl is not around. Math, learn to function by yourself. On your own. Please stop learning your ex's language. Stop watching her photos. Just... give it a break... it's like you want to move forward but you're fighting badly to stay in the past. Stop rushing, will you... ?

Edited August 16, 2015 by candie13

[Morphine]

Math, NC is deleting fb. Unfollowing instagram and twitter. NC means no news. No new pics. you are cheating, that's why you're in pain. You're inflicting pain on yourself. Even deleting her from facebook and checking her profile and cover pic means you are cheating.

 

I agree. I went full NC 2 weeks ago and my ex emailed me yesterday asking to get back. But those 2 weeks of NC made me realise how much she has hurt me. I said no to getting back together.

 

NC means block everywhere. This helps so much.

[Mathematics]

Math, NC is deleting fb. Unfollowing instagram and twitter. NC means no news. No new pics. you are cheating, that's why you're in pain. You're inflicting pain on yourself. Even deleting her from facebook and checking her profile and cover pic means you are cheating. It is normal to downspiral.

 

The other thing is... you need to not do these things, when you are by yourself. I am sure that if your girl was around, you wouldn't have cheated.... not that much. The new RS brings you ... some time off from suffering. But then it's gone - physically or more - you're back to square one, because you literally didn't work on your pain or on letting your ex go away. You are in the same place where you were right before meeting this new chick. You cannot run away from your pain, you need to learn to make your way through it. If you don't, there is a risk it will catch up with you in the most inconvenient moment. It will resurface. And it will take you by surprise.

 

It's good that new girl is not around. Math, learn to function by yourself. On your own. Please stop learning your ex's language. Stop watching her photos. Just... give it a break... it's like you want to move forward but you're fighting badly to stay in the past. Stop rushing, will you... ?

 

I cannot describe how reading that has made me feel. Its like you have summed up exactly where I am at but I couldn't see it. Immediately after break up I did all of these things (i deleted the social network apps, didnt look, went NC) but I relapsed so badly after I met her for lunch. Not spoken to her but the social media checking has been far too frequent. Thank you so much. Time to make a change.

[candie13]

it's a haze, I know. You're not really thinking straight, you're like a drug addict missing his fix... MAth, as a man with integrity, you don't want to fool yourself. You're not gonna make any progress, that way. Sit down with yourself for a while and understand what's going on. Think hard about your actions and about what you want.

 

The worse part is that where you're lying to yourself. Don't run away from yourself, will ya? I learn to meditate to get intouch with myself. There are some great apps, take all the help you can take... just... be honest. Stop hiding. Stop looking in the past and wanting to move forward at the same time. It won't work. It'll only get you stuck...

[Mathematics]

it's a haze, I know. You're not really thinking straight, you're like a drug addict missing his fix... MAth, as a man with integrity, you don't want to fool yourself. You're not gonna make any progress, that way. Sit down with yourself for a while and understand what's going on. Think hard about your actions and about what you want.

 

The worse part is that where you're lying to yourself. Don't run away from yourself, will ya? I learn to meditate to get intouch with myself. There are some great apps, take all the help you can take... just... be honest. Stop hiding. Stop looking in the past and wanting to move forward at the same time. It won't work. It'll only get you stuck...

 

That made me shed a tear. The best tear I have ever shed. Its like you understand me more than anyone... Thanks so much

[pillowpuffs]

Mine didn't even have another girl; he decided he'd rather be alone than be with me.

 

I'm glad you can relate/ agree. I always have people kind of throw it in my face; that the lack of closure/ contact is no real reason to be upset. This never fails to irritate me- at the end of the day, we all want validation that what we felt and what we had was real, and that your feelings were at least somewhat reciprocated. I've had exes keep in contact, and I honestly find it preferable to the silent treatment. I know he doesn't owe me anything, but it hurts that it's so easy for them to just drop you.

 

When they cut contact with you completely, it really gives you this impression that they couldn't get away from you faster. Like you were last season's trend, to be discarded and ignored. Definitely emphasizes the overall feeling of rejection, particularly when you did nothing but treat them well and with kindness/ understanding. In my case, I didn't even beg or plead; I told him I disagreed and thought he was worth fighting for, but that I understood how he felt. I texted him a week later to just see how he was doing, and he straight up ignored me. Apathy is the lowest emotion, and that is exactly what silence implies.

 

Trust me, when they have someone else and leave you; you constantly imagine them with that person, have dreams of them with the other person - it is awful. Pain is pain and I understand your loss/hurt but be glad there wasn't someone else in the picture (I have not been able to handle it)

 

Completely get the part bolded above. Some guys may think they're doing us a favour by giving us 'space' but like you said, this sort of silent treatment is really discomforting. Everyone keeps telling me it's really good he hasn't contacted me because it'll allow me get over him faster but they really don't understand how it feels to be out at sea on your own. (Plus I do think that someday I'll be over the breakup but not over my ex) They also really don't know how it feels to long for someone who just discarded you for good at their fancy; without any concern, without a how are you, without a hope you're okay, without a shred of sympathy/empathy.

 

I have been sitting here with questions swimming around my head for months, going over the breakup and our last morning together over and over again. I have been feeling like the past 6 years weren't real and that I meant absolutely nothing to someone who was my everything.

 

Sorry I probably sound so pathetic and I genuinely feel that way too. I lost a lot when I lost my ex - I have always been sociable but I never really had a 'group' of friends, his sister and her friends 'took me in' and was really becoming one of my closest friends. And although my ex and I were independent in many ways, we used to do a lot of things together, I used to tell him everything and had never really felt so secure before and now I've never felt so alone and lonely. I know I need to learn to be strong on my own and I believe I'll get there one day but I feel like I'm going to build up many walls on my way there and beyond that, I've also learnt that being strong doesn't equate to being happy.

Edited August 16, 2015 by pillowpuffs

[Sunshine09]

Trust me, when they have someone else and leave you; you constantly imagine them with that person, have dreams of them with the other person - it is awful. Pain is pain and I understand your loss/hurt but be glad there wasn't someone else in the picture (I have not been able to handle it)

 

Completely get the part bolded above. Some guys may think they're doing us a favour by giving us 'space' but like you said, this sort of silent treatment is really discomforting. Everyone keeps telling me it's really good he hasn't contacted me because it'll allow me get over him faster but they really don't understand how it feels to be out at sea on your own. (Plus I do think that someday I'll be over the breakup but not over my ex) They also really don't know how it feels to long for someone who just discarded you for good at their fancy; without any concern, without a how are you, without a hope you're okay, without a shred of sympathy/empathy.

 

I have been sitting here with questions swimming around my head for months, going over the breakup and our last morning together over and over again. I have been feeling like the past 6 years weren't real and that I meant absolutely nothing to someone who was my everything.

 

Sorry I probably sound so pathetic and I genuinely feel that way too. I lost a lot when I lost my ex - I have always been sociable but I never really had a 'group' of friends, his sister and her friends 'took me in' and was really becoming one of my closest friends. And although my ex and I were independent in many ways, we used to do a lot of things together, I used to tell him everything and had never really felt so secure before and now I've never felt so alone and lonely. I know I need to learn to be strong on my own and I believe I'll get there one day but I feel like I'm going to build up many walls on my way there and beyond that, I've also learnt that being strong doesn't equate to being happy.

 

 

I feel much the same as you.

Also having the dreams of him, and them together :/

It sucks because it's not something you can consciously control.

 

It's hard enough to deal with the huge sense of rejection but then to know that they turned to someone else almost right away is another huge hit on top of the initial sting. It's beyond comprehendible to me how someone can be so in love and such and then in such a short time have seemingly moved on with no concern for your well being or state.

 

I am totally with you on this because I can't personally understand it. Someone could treat me so horrible and I'd still be a person to genuinely be concerned about them regardless. I guess thinking other people have the same heart as you really is what trips you up

 

 

I go over things and analyze a lot as well, it's pretty much torture so I feel you. I hope that things get easier for you, I understand how painful it is.

[pillowpuffs]

I feel much the same as you.

Also having the dreams of him, and them together :/

It sucks because it's not something you can consciously control.

 

It's hard enough to deal with the huge sense of rejection but then to know that they turned to someone else almost right away is another huge hit on top of the initial sting. It's beyond comprehendible to me how someone can be so in love and such and then in such a short time have seemingly moved on with no concern for your well being or state.

 

I am totally with you on this because I can't personally understand it. Someone could treat me so horrible and I'd still be a person to genuinely be concerned about them regardless. I guess thinking other people have the same heart as you really is what trips you up

 

 

I go over things and analyze a lot as well, it's pretty much torture so I feel you. I hope that things get easier for you, I understand how painful it is.

 

That part bolded above I really get! I know it's silly when, like in my case, I've been cheated on but I still love him/care for him. In your situation too, it's crazy to me as an outsider why you would still care for your ex when he wasn't great to you at all but as the person going through it, it's so different isn't it? I don't know when that will go away, if it will.

 

And you're right - we have good hearts that are earnest, generous and unselfish. I made the mistake of thinking his was the same. I have since seen that people can be the exact opposite of that and that lots of good people end up getting hurt by rotten people. Getting slightly jaded here to be honest :/

 

Also on a completely unrelated note, I am starting to realise that while there are fish in the sea - it is not easy to find someone you're attracted to and who you can also be emotionally attached to? I feel like you have to be really lucky to get that. Is that just me?

[Chronograph]

Scared, lonely, lonesome. Afraid of the dating world out there. Strong yearning to get him back. Please just let him realize, that he made a mistake, for Christ's sake! Three and a half months post break up. I thought by now he would have realized that he wants me back. But he doesn't. 2,5 months of NC and I heard nothing. I don't know anything about his life. He had a crush on a colleague in the end and they were in intense contact, so I guess they might already be together. This thought kills me. Eats me up, burns me alive. I don't know what's better: Actually knowing he is with her, or not knowing and just guessing. The bad thing about guessing is that there is always room for hope. I'm still hoping he's not with her and might come back. That we can work it out. I'm afraid I can't face this life alone and that I'm not gonna be able to take care of myself. I hate everything!

[Gridlock]

After almost 7 months of NC, I feel much better. I seem to get better and learn more with each passing day.

 

I entered into a different RS thinking I was ready to love or be loved by someone again, just to find out how NOT READY I really was. Being in that RS gave me new perspective on my heartbreak from my prior long term relationship, and I consider it a learning experience.

 

Last night I had a vivid dream about the girl who broke my heart and woke up confused and hurt. I almost feel like I broke NC by simply seeing her or interacting with her in my dreams...

 

I tend to constantly overthink and analyze things, and when I get thinking on her I just drink myself silly to escape, and while I cant keep coping like this forever ( if you call if coping ) I guess it'll do the trick for today.

[PoetAndersen]

I really wish I could post here stating I was moving on. This past month I have sunk every minute of my time in to work, gym, and anything else I could. I never get a minutes break from my thoughts, her, her, her, dopingsomething stupid like suicide, are my constant thoughts from waking up to going to bed. My story is too long to go in to detail in this post. Last year I had chats with my Dr, so I have tried other routes. I'm just not sure how much longer I can cope with life, I feel like an anomaly and feel like it isn't for me. I can't remember the last time I felt "truly" happy. The worrying part is it no longer worries me how I would make my loved ones feel. They say when you're at rock bottom you can only go up, I'm slowly losing faith in this.