JDPT Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Absolutely. Which is why I can understand why you're feeling that way - the anger. I've had those days too. The rate at which our emotions undulate, geez, I can't stand myself sometimes. Glad that anger has gone away for now. Here's to a better day! Yes- yesterday was a terrible day, the volatility of my emotions made it utterly difficult to deal with the day. Knock on wood, today appears to be promising.
AnyaNova Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Woke up feeling pretty good again. Happy. Am listening to Gomez and their song, "whippin' Picadilly" and just finished "Get Miles" And it switched into "make no sound" Am purposefully deciding no to contemplate how well it would have fit my ex and I. Am determined to see more in life than pain, even if the amount of it I've experienced in my life causes me to resonate more with it than usual. But, there is definitely beauty in my eyes. Which someone else will get to see. And I will choose someone with plenty of intelligence and beauty behind his eyes. Guys, it really does get better. Believe it and hold on to it! 2
AnyaNova Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 subconsciously I'm still bitter and angry at her. I used to feel used, like rag used then tossed. I've done for her more than I've ever done for any other relationship in the past, emotionally, financially, etc... Clearly, we do all these things out of the goodness of our heart and I never once expected her to reciprocate in any way although deep inside it would have simply been a nice gesture. Thankfully, I'm not as upset about it as I used to but I still have my moments of anger nonetheless. I know. And I think there was a day right after he ignored my email where I said that I was done and was so angry at him I wouldn't ever respond to him or help him if he needed it. That lasted maybe a day or two, and I came back to myself.
im_thedude Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Off the rails, losing it, fading away. I look at every aspect of my life and see walls crumbling.
AnyaNova Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Off the rails, losing it, fading away. I look at every aspect of my life and see walls crumbling. Hang in there. Hold into even the smallest victories and successes.
JDPT Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 I know. And I think there was a day right after he ignored my email where I said that I was done and was so angry at him I wouldn't ever respond to him or help him if he needed it. That lasted maybe a day or two, and I came back to myself. I can undoubtedly admit that I'm having difficulty coping with the anger phase. I used to be utterly bitter and angry wishing the worst of the worst. Now, not so much. I need to work on forgiveness. I need to forgive her for all the pain she has caused and forgive myself for making bad choices in life. Trust me the last thing I want is for this anger to linger any further. I want to enjoy life again and genuinely smile as opposed to simply putting a façade. I want to feel happy again. And in time I'm confident that I will. 1
JDPT Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Off the rails, losing it, fading away. I look at every aspect of my life and see walls crumbling. hang tight, it's literally an emotional rollercoaster but know the pain will eventually subside.
mantlefan Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Saw my ex in church AGAIN with my "friend," 2 weeks in a row. I am coping by realizing that for me, I should probably just get out of there and go to a place where I can focus on what I should be, instead of seeing them together and just being envious. Even if I have to retreat from and give up a lot of what was in our lives, and I will miss those things and think it not fair that I retreated and she got to keep them, I know it will help me heal.
margot13 Posted January 5, 2014 Posted January 5, 2014 Was doing ok, in a fragile way for 2 days. Until he sent me a song he wrote about me (he is a muscician) in which it basically says he doesn't want to lose me and has to get stronger to win me back. HE LEFT ME!!! And today I am furious!!!!!! Feel like a toy that he is playing with....
AnyaNova Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Doing okay. After quitting my mealy-mouthed edging around the truth of what was so obvious, and just saying it, that he loved me and that it was very clear on that last night. I think I feel like I am freer somehow. He loved me and he still sent me away and though I have several very good theories on why, one of them probably stronger than the others, I will never completely understand why. It doesn't make me hurt to say that. It doesn't make it worse somehow. It is the truth. It is my truth. And at least that one element is his truth too, if he is honest with himself. I can look at this objectively, with my arms crossed, and not let it hurt me anymore. It is a fact. Cold, perhaps, but no more emotional than a stone or an apple falling from a tree. He loved me. He sent me away. It sucked. But I am rapidly recovering. 3
ayudorama Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 (edited) After reading what AnyaNova wrote, I wonder if it is better this way. When he asked for a separation, he never once uttered those words. Odd because we were the sort to utter I love you's a few times each day. Months following that, I questioned myself. The reason why he never told me he loved me when we separated when I told him clearly that I love him and I accept his decision, I realize knowing or not knowing, both ways wouldn't have made the pain any easier to deal with. On the relationship front, I have always been a slow bloomer. To even like a boy/man, it took 26 years, and abit longer to fall in love with that same man. Some days I wish I understood the ramifications and risks involved in orchestrating that sort of connection. Now at 28, I know better. I don't regret any of it, I just wish I knew sooner. I would have guarded my heart better. Edited January 6, 2014 by ayudorama 2
RDawg Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Doing well today! Had a productive weekend. Looks like the ex and I have finally come to an agreement regarding the house we own together. She has been very generous in the settlement but I still need to raise a substantial amount of money to keep the place. 1
mantlefan Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Up and down. Sometimes coping means coming on here and just writing posts like this. I still care about what she thinks. In terms of applying for summer work, I think "Should I go out of state so she misses me where we used to work together?" or "should I keep working where I have worked the past 6 years so she sees I have figured out a lot of what was on my end that broke us up? But I have also cut her out of my life as much as possible. Block on FB, blocked cell number, avoiding places she will be even though I have just as much right to be there... I think a big part of coping is knowing that although my feelings are real, they don't control me. I miss her. I want to hold her. But my life isn't meaningless if those go unfulfilled. And soon I will find a new meaning.
JDPT Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Nowadays my heart is too cold, and I'm learning to live with that...for now. What's there to report? I don't miss her I know that for sure, but I still find myself missing the memories. I don't care to know how she is doing, it's been 8 or 9 months post BU and the likelihood of her being with someone else is pretty high. I actually wouldn't expect anything less. Had a dream last night again. It's as if I was a ghost standing in the room. She was walking around, dolling herself up as usual, she walked past me as she was getting her things, almost as if I wasn't there. You would think, well that's a sign of her moving on? I don't know, I don't care, for all I know she hooked up with someone last night and what I was witnessing in my dream was the aftermath of her fun night. Sadly, and not so much to my benefit my dreams for the most part correlate with reality, don't ask me how. I guess I just have to live with this for today. thanks for reading.
AnyaNova Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Little dip in mood today, but that is to be expected. Came up to another town to visit a friend for a few days, and forgot my liquid b complex. And of course, GNC was totally out of the liquid. I will be going back to the town where my parents live until Friday, where the liquid b complex is, today. And on Friday or so, I will leave there and go back to my town where I can get not only the b12 shots I am getting here, but also, essentially a b complex shot. So, with my mood low, I am missing him a tiny little bit (for some reason, this always happens when my vitamins dip low). But I know that when my levels are back, I won't. 2
margot13 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Little dip in mood today, but that is to be expected. Came up to another town to visit a friend for a few days, and forgot my liquid b complex. And of course, GNC was totally out of the liquid. I will be going back to the town where my parents live until Friday, where the liquid b complex is, today. And on Friday or so, I will leave there and go back to my town where I can get not only the b12 shots I am getting here, but also, essentially a b complex shot. So, with my mood low, I am missing him a tiny little bit (for some reason, this always happens when my vitamins dip low). But I know that when my levels are back, I won't. I like your approach!!!! Trying to take the same one, but find myself slipping every now and then :-) So today was a wake up, NOT COPING. Later in the day I talked myself into coping quite well.
AnyaNova Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I like your approach!!!! Trying to take the same one, but find myself slipping every now and then :-) So today was a wake up, NOT COPING. Later in the day I talked myself into coping quite well. It is not really an approach. I have gluten intolerance, and recently found out that though for pretty much most of my life, I haven't had nearly enough B vitamins, at least a year ago if not longer, I slipped into true deficiency, and it does have ramifications on mood. If you search through some of my posts from about October through December, you will see that my mood, how much I missed him, and everything had everything to do with how my levels were, and once I started shots, how close or far I was from my next set of shots. The brain, I think, insists on finding some external reason for the mood dip that the depletion causes, and so it casts about for the nearest "sad" thing to have happened. In my case, of course, it is my ex. 2
margot13 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 It is not really an approach. I have gluten intolerance, and recently found out that though for pretty much most of my life, I haven't had nearly enough B vitamins, at least a year ago if not longer, I slipped into true deficiency, and it does have ramifications on mood. If you search through some of my posts from about October through December, you will see that my mood, how much I missed him, and everything had everything to do with how my levels were, and once I started shots, how close or far I was from my next set of shots. The brain, I think, insists on finding some external reason for the mood dip that the depletion causes, and so it casts about for the nearest "sad" thing to have happened. In my case, of course, it is my ex. I don't take vitamin b shots but have noticed that I function mentally better when I take magnesium and vitamin d (which most women lack). And strangely I have just started learning to meditate which is helping me keep calm. Although I have days where the guru in me disapears
BC1980 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 B vitamins definitely improve my energy level. Overall, I'm having an off day. I just want to be happy again. That's all I'm asking. I want to look forward to living life again. I used to be overjoyed and in disbelief that I was so lucky to live the life I had. Even before me ex, I was always upbeat and positive. I was very much motivated and excited just by day to day life. WTF had happened to me? I'm so scared this feeling won't go away. I think this loss and grief has been the worst I have experienced. It's forced me to wonder how I can cope with other losses that will happen in my future. I try to have hope, but I wonder where I will be a year from now. No doubt my decision to go LC and hope for several months has delayed my recovery. I don't think I can be the same after this. It's just too much loss not to change me forever. I'm really trying, but I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand today. 3
JDPT Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 B vitamins definitely improve my energy level. Overall, I'm having an off day. I just want to be happy again. That's all I'm asking. I want to look forward to living life again. I used to be overjoyed and in disbelief that I was so lucky to live the life I had. Even before me ex, I was always upbeat and positive. I was very much motivated and excited just by day to day life. WTF had happened to me? I'm so scared this feeling won't go away. I think this loss and grief has been the worst I have experienced. It's forced me to wonder how I can cope with other losses that will happen in my future. I try to have hope, but I wonder where I will be a year from now. No doubt my decision to go LC and hope for several months has delayed my recovery. I don't think I can be the same after this. It's just too much loss not to change me forever. I'm really trying, but I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand today. I do want to live again, I believe in breathing again. I want to breathing again. Life took a good shot at me but I'm willing to get my ass up for another round! 1
JDPT Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 wishing I never met her, yet so grateful for the lesson, dig me? I hate you sweetheheart, you were the most beautiful nightmare.
BC1980 Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 wishing I never met her, yet so grateful for the lesson, dig me? I hate you sweetheheart, you were the most beautiful nightmare. My self esteem took a beating, but maybe it was bad anyway. Maybe this just shone a light on it. I gave way too much of myself and allowed myself to stay in a situation where I felt like I had to be perfect. I don't know if it's actual or perceived, but I've got to take responsibility for doing that to myself. I had unrealistic expectations of another person, and I've learned my lesson. I get into trouble when I get nostalgic and glamorize the past. There was an awful lot of good, but I wasn't satisfied with the stalled commitment. I should have stood up for myself instead of being a people pleaser. Lesson learned. 2
ayudorama Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 I have better control of my emotions. December 2013 was rough. Being overly-sensitised throughout this healing period taught me the importance of empathy. I guess I've been fortunate to have lived 20 plus years of my life shielded from pain of this sort. So much so that I couldn't relate to the stories my peers relate to me about their break-ups. Well now I know. Hell do I know the excruciating pain. People may say whatever they want, personally for me, if not for God and family, I would have gone a little insane. Such pain. 2
AnyaNova Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Got my b complex a few hours ago. I am not sad. Not missing him. Think I deserved him to be honest and tell me that he loved me; on that last night. But again; not sad. Primarily, wondering now how I can avoid such a strange situation ever again! 1
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