candie13 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 the last few days, I kept going round and round in circles, there was something I could not understand. Why he was sticking around if he didn't love me. Now I understood. He is a crutch. An emotional crutch. That is what he does. Not to be mistaken with love. Does a crutch love the person using it? I don't think so. It's just ... there. Solid. Reliable. Extremely helpful as long as handicapped. Totally in-animated, though. And this as much as he was asking - and offering - from an emotional perspective. To be there. Close. But what does one do, though, when the crutch and support are no longer needed? A highly supportive and helpful emotionally unavailable dude. Ha, and that is his issue. That's how he made the women before me stick around. Because he was their crutch. And once they were sorting themselves out, they were leaving. None left him because they've felt he was not inlove.... they were too busy rebuilding their lives, under his supervision. I didn't need anything from his life but him. His presence. His affection. His acceptance. And ultimately, his love. Boy, am I demanding . Me thinks, it was easier with those chicks before. Him, pointing the direction, and those chicks running and never looking back. That's where his involvement was starting and beginning. of course, the main inconvenience was starting over and over again with someone else. Well, for once, his RS ended not because the other person had to solve issues independent of himself, but because of him, himself. His own emotional unavailability. Sure, we can always say that our different approaches on marriage constitute a strong rational argument for the break up. but who ever said that it's rational to act in a rational way ? Had I felt he loved me, had I felt he wanted me to stay, had I felt he cared, I would have stayed. Easier to follow my direction than to lead. So I have decided, he had fallen inline. Fantastic RS, hehehe. Too bad I seek not just love, but partnership. Equality is a fcking b*tch, ain't it? Well, better luck next time, dude.
DK666 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Woke up this morning thinking of her after dreaming of her practically all night. I couldn't bring myself to even get out of bed and just lay there thinking over and over and over. This is so hard.
Chronograph Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 Mixed feelings. Morning a bit of a struggle, as usual. I started dreaming about him again, which sucks. Last night I dreamt he told me he loved me and answered I loved him too but at the same time I knew that this doesn't mean that we're ever gonna be together again. There was just this uncertain feeling in a dark world ... although love was there. Got a bit better during the day, wrote a song, which made me feel better. But apart from that I cannot bring myself to very much. I need to organize my new life ... but I just don't want to. I don't want a new life for crying out loud!!
Calidude6 Posted July 7, 2015 Posted July 7, 2015 I want to tell her I miss her at some point but will that achieve anything? I've been doing good with NC and some of my feelings have been fading away but I miss her. I just want her to know I still do.
15Love Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Today was hard. For the last two days he's been popping up just to say hello. But then he'll say he's busy and doesn't have time to see me. I don't know why he has to text at all. I know I should block him, I've done that so many times even changed my number...but eventually (last time it was nearly two years) I think I'm fine and reach out. And it all starts again. So I found myself waiting all day...to hear that ping that never came. Funny because I had a million ways I wanted to tell him I'm busy...can't see you. But he doesn't care. He never has. At least I didn't text him. I get to call today day 1 restarting NC. Silver linings.
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I've been so busy with school the past couple of days that I've barely had time to think of him. It's great. It also makes me think that perhaps the reason I wanted him so badly to remain in my life is that I felt so unfulfilled and unaccomplished. It's like I thought when he left, I had nothing. Now that I am working toward my degree again and am keeping busy with my studies, I realize I don't need him. I feel more valuable as a person, like I have a purpose and a better one at that than just the relationship.
CatalinSt Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Today has somehow been easier. Hard as hell, but easier. I felt no need to go buy wine, but I totally chain smoked :/ however I did go for a run which sucked, but definitely helped. I keep trying to tell myself its out of my hands and I have no control. I need to accept what's happening to me and not be self destructive. Oh and I actually had some sort of an appetite today!
StrangerThanFiction Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Today was good. Was kind've blah at work, but I think that has more to do with how incredibly bored I was more than anything to do with emotions relating to my ex. My anxiety levels are still relatively high but I don't think it has anything to do with my ex. More social anxiety and stress due to life in general. I really have to start doing yoga again and meditating regularly. I haven't led the healthiest of lifestyles lately and it's really showing in my emotional state. I also really think I should just bite the bullet and go out and have some casual sex. It's been months and I've been cranky as all get out because of it.
NomiMalone Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Week 5 NC: Something happened yesterday which he would've had a laugh over, and I wished so bad that I could call him to tell him. But I didn't, of course. This morning, for the first time since forever, he wasn't the first thing I thought of when I woke up, but the third. The huge projects I'm in the midst of at this present stage in my life have proved to be a nice distraction, and so has... ... the rebound. So... rebound guy is hotter, and cooler than he was, but in my eyes, no man in the world can measure up to him. Rebound guy is one of a million, but he was one in a million. Insanely, my heart still races every time someone walks into our office reception - in hope that it's him, or someone delivering a message from him. I just want so bad for him to reach out to me. But with each passing day, the possibility of ever hearing from him again becomes slimmer and slimmer, and it makes me feel so empty.
learnbyliving Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 1 month post-breakup. I don't think of him often anymore. But sometimes something triggers me, and I miss being in his arms and planting a kiss on his face. Wish I could kick him off that pedestal. I'm pretty sure I'm only having selective good memories :/ 1
StrangerThanFiction Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Today I felt...nostalgic? Sentimental? I kept getting vivid flashbacks and memories of him from when things were good between us at the beginning. It didn't make me want him back, but it made me a bit sad how things had turned out. I remembered how happy I was back then and how much I loved him, how I believed he was the proverbial One and how I was so sure we would spend the rest of our lives together. It made the contrast to how much of a sham our relationship was for the last two to three years of it even more poignant. I can admit to myself now that, yes, there are things that I miss about him and our relationship, but those things are still nowhere near enough to make me want what we had back. It wasn't real and it wasn't healthy and I see now that there were some pretty huge codependency issues on both our parts. So I'm cool with things the way they stand. Every day I heal a little bit more and move farther and farther away from him emotionally. If someone would've told me the first week after we broke up that I'd be in such a good headspace at 2 months post BU I would've called them a lying fool. In those early days I truly believed that the pain would never go away. But here I am. Haven't shed a tear over him in weeks. He's not the first thing I thing I think of when I wake up and he's not the last before I go to bed. I feel...normal. I feel like myself again, instead of just one half of "us". I didn't realize how much of how I viewed myself was tied up in our relationship. Looking back at it it's frightening, and I can see now how fast I was running towards losing myself completely in it. So today was a bittersweet sort've day, I suppose. Learned a few things about myself, processed more of my feelings, and most importantly reinforced the knowledge that I really am going to be just fine 1
15Love Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Today was so long. Finally at the 11th hour, literally, I've recieved relief. So glad. I needed a break from the constant pressure of wanting him every second. Day 2 NC ending with a little peace. Grateful. 1
DK666 Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 Last night I wasn't feeling too bad as I went to sleep. Woke up this morning after yet another night full of dreams about her, didn't want to get out of bed at all and just kept dozing off dreaming about her. Since getting up my mind has been one track city, today has not been a good day at all so far. I hope i receive some relief like 15love has at some point. 1
15Love Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 The one thing I can say is hold out for it! I've broken NC more times than the law allows...so I know for sure the peace never follows breaking no contact. Maybe a high...which will leave you at the bottom of the well a day later. But this tiny thing worth being PROUD of, called peace with flecks of self respect, is starting to be worth more then the high. Hang in there. Yesterday it was second by second. Today it was a fleeting pang at 9am. The pride that comes from holding out feels great. Probably cause it's a new feeling. Giving in is more my thing. Not today...not today 1
freebird31 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 I am doing pretty well. The most complete I have felt in my whole life. The happiest I have been in a long time. I don't feel any need or want to be in a relationship anymore. I feel completely independent. The fact that my ex never responded to my letter says a lot about him.... but that's water under the bridge now. I defintely was taught some valuable lessons throughout all of this. I don't wish that anything was/is different anymore. I think everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. It was a long and crazy journey to get where i am today, and I made a lot of foolish mistakes along the way. But I finally just feel at a peace now. I finally feel closure and i can accept everything for what it is now, including accepting that my ex will never reply and keep a "proper peace" between us. I am truly content and at ease with my life. I closed a door from my past for good now. I can finally be free. I may have that scar of betrayal and heart break..but it no longer defines me. I am stronger and bigger because of it. I know great things will be coming my way, and it will be so amazing. All at the right time. 2
Ariess10 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Seeing her on a dating site , made it become real for me .. I am beginning to except that I know it's over and she is moving on. It's what people do , it's not about me.. I am finally letting go and looking fwd to just being single for awhile and work on the things I need to .. I wish her the best
DK666 Posted July 10, 2015 Posted July 10, 2015 Today was a bit different. I woke up still thinking about the ex, but my stomach wasn't in knots; I wouldn't say I felt better, but the pain wasn't as bad. I went into town with a mate, and we ended up bumping into another mate of his and we got talking about survival in a zombie apocalypse, headshots needed and the like. It's the first time I felt anything approaching a genuine smile on my face in the last 2 weeks. It didn't last long, but it's a start. I picked up the Magnesium oil as love15 suggested. Started with it, I don't know what to expect with it, but it can't hurt. When I got home this afternoon though the despair kicked in, but I came straight to this forum and that has helped. Lastly, my previous ex got in contact with me (had a 4 year relationship with her, no problems until the end of that one). She had heard about my breakup and wanted to talk to me to see how I was. I hadn't mentioned it because I don't think anything is in it, but she has actually contacted me a few times since the breakup. She dropped in the conversation that she is now single too, told me about what she's been doing etc. She said she is going to call me later, though I'm not sure why, I am assuming she is just being supportive. Onwards and upwards, not a great day but not the worst day, I'll take any improvement I can get at the moment.
learnbyliving Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Sometimes I entertain the idea of reactivating my dating profile for a pleasant distraction, but I am also scared of finding my ex there. I went to a meetup but the effort of socializing even platonically was exhausting and reminded me of dating so I know I can't handle actual dating yet
BriNyc82 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I just signed up for a dating site even though I know I am not ready. Every person I look at I think "what's underneath that smile? How will you hurt me" and I know I'm just in protective mode. I know that I was ready to make my ex a priority in my life and commit and I still want to be able to do that with someone. I don't want my ex to set me back but I also don't know if I should be dating. Do I need that push? I would never do a rebound thing. But just a few harmless dates?
learnbyliving Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I don't want my ex to set me back but I also don't know if I should be dating. Do I need that push? I would never do a rebound thing. But just a few harmless dates? It always starts with thinking it will just be a few fun dates. But when you're in an emotionally vulnerable state, it's easy for things to get out of control and lead to more tears. Ask me how I know Imagine you're getting validation and that infatuation high from some one new to soothe that break up ache … are you going to be able to judge the new person objectively? Chances are it will be easier to continue with someone who is not right just because you need that fix right now. Whereas if you waited to heal from the breakup, then you approach dating without needing that fix. 3
DK666 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 I'm really struggling today, I barely slept last night and since the moment I woke up I've been extremely anxious. it's barely lunchtime and I feel exhausted already. I'm missing her an extreme amount today and nothing seems to be able to distract me.
Ariess10 Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 Sometimes I entertain the idea of reactivating my dating profile for a pleasant distraction, but I am also scared of finding my ex there. I went to a meetup but the effort of socializing even platonically was exhausting and reminded me of dating so I know I can't handle actual dating yet I can tell you from experience , I saw my ex on a dating site the other day worse thing ever wish I didn't see it so I wouldn't know.. I mean I'm not stupid I know she was out doing her thing , but now seeing it makes it so much worse
TrevorDia Posted July 11, 2015 Posted July 11, 2015 ****ed everything up and broke non-contact. Ended up not only talking to her, but offered her my assistance with the sole intention of screwing things up for her. Once I sobered up I passed on her details to my friend who can deal with her problem, but the fact that I ****ing spoke to her makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like mold. Tomorrow is Day 1. 1
DK666 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 So yesterday started off so badly I didn't know what to do. I ended up going out to a club last night with my mates though and had a fantastic evening. Wake up today still feeling not so bad, I check facebook to see the pictures from last night, and I end up seeing a picture of my ex in the arms of another guy. I feel like I am back to where I started yesterday morning, I feel awful again.
candie13 Posted July 12, 2015 Posted July 12, 2015 I've been through a rather bad streak the last week. I kept thinking and looking abck abd avoiding the pain. So I've finally acted as an adult and I have done the hard work of understanding what was bothering me. It was simply very hard for me to take the fact that he didn't love me. Anymore or at all or not in the way I wanted to. I've understood it. And it's a LOT easier to move on now. Two things I cannot do: I cannot decide to love just a little bit. And two: I cannot live and have a life with someone who does not love me fully. Completely. I cannot live without LOVE. understanding this got me closure 1
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