NomiMalone Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Week 2 NC: In 2.5 weeks it would've been 6 months. This week I've been wavering between acceptance and denial. With each passing day without him, it becomes clearer to me that he's not coming back. But yet, part of me is sure I'll hear from him again, because how could anyone turn their back on such a great love? I sometimes wonder if I should just put myself out there and tell him exactly how I feel, so that there can be no room for ambiguity. But I won't.
Gwwm123 Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Monday I heard news of a building burning down in Lima, Peru. 12 puppies died, 7 survived, 3 with serious burns. I was watching it on TV and they showed images of these poor puppies burned so badly and with their sad little faces and I immediately broke down. I started crying and sobbing and I am tearing as I write this. I called a phone number I found online to donate $500 to the vet who is taking care of them. Aside from the fact that I did this to help these poor animals I wanted to see if I would feel better about myself by doing so. I didnt, I felt no joy in doing so, I am numb. I would do it again, just to help the puppies but how horrible it is to do something as noble and feel nothing at all, its terrifying. What damage have you done to me J......you are the reason for my emotional downfall....I wish you knew what you mean to me. 1
learnbyliving Posted June 18, 2015 Posted June 18, 2015 Just when I've about convinced myself it's not about losing him, it's my own poor coping/exaggerated perception of doom/etc. … his face keeps popping up in my mind and it hurts. I want to kiss that face so bad. Then I think about how his predominant feeling over all this is relief or at least the absolute conviction it's for the best. And I think of how he's going on a long trip soon, and by the time he comes back, any sadness he has for me (if he even has any right now) will be gone gone gone
StrangerThanFiction Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 It's been 5 weeks since BU and full NC besides me texting him about where he could pick up the last of his stuff that was left at my place. Only 5 weeks...it feels like it's been so much longer, but I guess for only being 5 weeks in I'm doing really well. I'm not really all that sad about it anymore, but sometimes I still get angry. Or have feelings of jealousy for the woman he chose over me. Those are starting to fade and happen less and less, though. For some reason my anxiety is still moderate to high quite a bit, but a big part of that I think I can accredit to too much caffeine, certain foods, and not getting enough exercise. It'll pass once I get back on track.
freebird31 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Feel annoyed and angry still. Just being remind of that post that he made about his friend. I feel so pissed off and frustrated that I ever got involved with such a person. He posted a picture with his friend and thanked her for everything she had ever done for him and said they only have better to come. Such an awful feeling to see that. Especially because I know I did so much for him as a friend and be so seemingly easily discarded me out of his life once we broke up. I'll never truly get over it. I will always have this scar here. I have so much anger for him. Be truly hurt me and damaged me and changed me as a person. He changed my entire life.
ASV Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) I've relapsed to the grief phase when I just thought I was accepting it. And all due a photo of her I didn't see before. It seems like this nightmare will never end. And I keep on avoiding places and events where she might go, which reduces my social life as well. Edited June 20, 2015 by Van Norden 1
AJHamilton Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) My fiancée of 7 years left me yesterday. I was home laying on the couch, noticed a van pull up didn't look like a moving van had no stickers nothing, thought it might be my landlords workers at the house to do something. Then I see a mutual friend drive by and stop to talk to whoever it was. Couldn't see them they were standing on the opposite side of the van. All of a sudden my mom pulls up as well and here comes my fiancée, my mom, and one of my fiancées friends walking up and I knew. In a matter of a few hours or less she had all her things packed up and gone. She had called my mom to come down because she thought I might try to hurt myself, or go ballistic. No warning signs, nothing. If anything even the night before she left me it was I love you and holding each other in bed. We even had sex two nights ago after not having sex for a long time and it was her that wanted it. I wanted to go to sleep but she was almost throwing a fit I wasn't in the mood. "This is my home I'm not going anywhere", "I'm not leaving". That's all I've heard then boom, slapped in the face. The kicker is that a week ago she supported my decision to quit a job I absolutely hated and said she could tell i was miserable. Just to be out activity looking she said. I've always been a hard worker, always held a job, but this job was unbearable but had I known she was leaving I would've sucked it up until I found something else! I should have done that anyway but she insisted she supported my decision. So now I'm alone, jobless (although I know I can get another), and wondering what I'm gonna do. Can I afford it here? I can't really afford to move either. Afraid I'm going to end up in a homeless shelter. Talk about losing everything including your pride. When I was contemplating quitting my job that would've been a great time to say "I'm leaving". Last night I had a few beers was trying to stay positive. Today as I wake up I feel like it's a bad dream. She did this to me once before. I worked 3rd shift. Went to work like everything was ok. Kissed me goodbye said she loved me. I come home the next morning to a half empty house. I found an apartment and was doing just fine on my own when she decided we move together and get back together and I missed her so much, I bit. Oh how I regret that. Because a little over a year later the exact same thing happens to me. Only this time I have no job. I don't want to get back together with her like before I am so bitter and angry at how she could've done it this way after leading me on that everything was ok. If we had made a plan a parted on good terms I would've been upset, but what would I do? Hurt myself? No. Hurt her? No way. Her kids aren't mine but here is two and I've been with them since they've been in diapers so I also have lost them, who are now 8 and 9. This was my family. Now they're gone. I'm scared, worried, and alone. Angry, sad, hurt, but not as much as the last break up. I'm mostly worried about myself as opposed to her. My dog of 13 years died in January, I always had her to worry about. I miss her so much, only this time I'm glad I only have to worry about myself because who knows where I'll end up. My mom is being wonderful but she and her husband aren't going to offer for me to come stay with them and I don't blame them. Just get a job, that's my goal #1 and figure it out from there. I asked God, if he's got something for me in this life, he better get to showing it to me because part of me wants to give up. Edited June 20, 2015 by AJHamilton
Gwwm123 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Ready for another crappy weekend without you, alone, invisible, disengaged, at home. I wonder what you are doing, are you feeling the same I do? Or are you back to your own little world where nobody can enter?
learnbyliving Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 Today marks the beginning of week 2. I was stronger in the earlier days and for the past 48h been falling apart. Wish his face and memories would just leave my mind.
Cupid's Puppet Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 If only I could be convinced that there are men out there that are just as good as my ex. But I am not because I keep attracting crazies in my life. This complete stranger started touching me in the parking garage today and was on me from behind, and luckily, some people were able to get him off of me. Scary situations like this are happening more often in my life, and I get terribly sad knowing I don't have a man to protect me. I couldn't even call anyone to tell this about this and how this makes me even more afraid of men. I am seriously thinking about not going to work Monday. I know this is one man, but like I said, that is all I attract are crazy men while other women get men who are protectors and providers. I've gotten drug dealers, married men, noncommital, etc. I guess us ugly women have to take the leftovers, hell we are leftovers.
TrevorDia Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 Floating in a sea of boredom and discontent. I'm sure she's out there having the time of her life. I'm just waiting for the day where I go a whole day without thinking about her once. I think that is my "happiness"
laurbee Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) Today has been a good day of perspective. It's day 25 NC. I had a huge cry last night and I came away from it with such a clear perspective. One of the big reasons he cited for the breakup was my getting upset easily and the "dramatics," which as an ENFJ I know are not me at all. I know they were from my getting into the relationship not being completely happy with myself and from Sweet Briar's attempted closing and subsequent legal battles. Depression "lite" if you will. But an agreement was reached to keep Sweet Briar open for at least the next academic year, and the entire Board of Directors and executives are stepping down. And reading my Myers Brigg personality profile, as silly as it seems, reminded me of who I really am. Being part of an alumni play with my high school is reminding me of the great things I am capable of, and in it I am surrounded by people who know I'm one of the best theatrical actresses they know. Going to the gym and forming my ultrasound academic plan is helping as well. When I was looking at colleges, fate stepped in and I found Sweet Briar by happenstance. When they announced closure, I was very angry that God had brought the school into my life only to rip it away. But I felt for Sweet Briar in the same way I feel for my ex and me: there is no way this was brought into my life, by means of tiny decisions aligning perfectly, only to fade away forever. And Sweet Briar is now saved. I now know that we are a case of right people, wrong time. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I feel it so strongly that he is it for me, as ridiculous as that may sound, and I am confident that we aren't finished yet. I actually think the breakup was the right decision for us. I am sad that he only got to see the real me for a short time in our relationship, and I am sad for this time lost between us, but I feel it in my heart that this time lost between us is just a drop in the ocean of the time we will spend together one day. Edited June 22, 2015 by laurbee
OldSoul86 Posted June 22, 2015 Posted June 22, 2015 I am mad at myself. Why did I think it was okay to get back into the relationship after our period of silence in February? Why did I accept far less than I deserve? Why did I put up with such a negative person? Why am I continuing to let this woman suck the life out of me - I broke up with her for that reason. She's still haunting me and I want to get out of it. I am mad because I am a pushover. I have poor self-esteem and have poor boundary control. I am too quick to devote myself to women who show the slightest interest in me. Am I really that desperate for love? I have so much soul searching to do. This is a recurring problem in my love life - and I need to break free of it.
freebird31 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 I am so annoyed. When me and my ex became friends on social media, he started to post a lot of stuff. Before, we were friends, he NEVER posted anything. But it is strange because as soon as we followed one another, he posted something every other day. He even wrote "When a buy a house with my girl one day" and a picture of a house. The next day he posted a picture with a good friend of his and went on to thank her for being a great friend and for everything she did, and said that they have better years to come. (After this, I knew I could not remain social media friends with him.) And posted a bunch on other random things. One was a picture of himself. So I "unfollowed" him. As soon as I unfollow him, he goes back to not posting ANYTHING at ALL anymore? WTF! I am so annoyed and confused. HOW IS IT that he posted things when we followed each other. And now that I have unfollowed him, HE DOESNT POST ANYTHING EVER NOW? this is so ridiculous! It is almost as if he posted those things on purpose. I dated the most ridiculous person ever. I am just even more annoyed because I know he posted those things to purposely mess with my mind. I know it.
taw3890 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Lately i've been thinking about her a little too much. I notice checking her instagram almost too often. She posted a group picture where she was smiling. The other guy was also in the picture. She seemed happy. I'm not sure if that's the reality of her feelings. Anyway, I'm on the path to recovery, though she's still the first person I think of when I wake up alone at our place. Maybe everything here reminds too much of her... I'm moving in a week to stay at my mom's for a while. It really is hard. My brain is telling me all the negative things in our 1 year long relationship, yet my heart yearns for her. She is truly one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She was my first true relationship. I loved her, maybe still do...I'm not sure. Or maybe I just miss the feeling of being in a relationship with someone truly significant. She seems to have moved on with the new guy, though three weeks ago she said she missed me and that it would never work with the new guy (him being a foreign guy living 390km away in another city). Maybe the GIGS? I don't know. She said she maybe moved too quickly with things with me after her last relationship. Said she was confused and maybe wanted to experience single life for a while. I don't know. I'm just confused how things ended so quickly. Anyway, I'm coping and I know things will get better in time. I would just like to jump forward a year and be over her
NomiMalone Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 Week 3 NC: Lunch time when I'm alone at xxxxxxxxx is when I feel his absence the most. I've pretty much stopped expecting to hear from him, but I still check my FB messages from time to time in hope. I even check the spam messages folder, just in case. But all the same, I'm so glad I didn't kick up a fuss, didn't call or message in those early days when it all went down. I'm so glad I just walked away. When someone makes it clear, unequivocally, that they no longer want you in their lives, I'll make sure I'll stay out of their lives - out of respect for myself. Nonetheless, I'm now fitter and more self aware than I've been for a long time. Funnily enough, I only have him to thank for the kick I needed to get back on the workout wagon, and it's done me a world of good. 1
Ariess10 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 3 months of nc and 3 months breakup.. I also am glad I just walked away and didn't beg or call or txt .. It has gotten some what easier the pain isn't as bad and I am coping a lot better .. I do miss the things we did together and now that I am remodeling the cabin that we planned on doing together, it's bitter sweet.. I sometimes think I'm not gonna have what I had with you with someone else... I'm gonna keeps head held high and know you and I weren't meant to be together .. What really gets me now tho , is I would have went to war for you had your back No matter what, you never had mine or stuck up for me when your mother would talk bad about me .. She's a bitter old lonely woman that controls your life.. Sad
HeartLessRomantic Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) What better way to cope up about being rejected by you by, of course, being with you #sarcasm I thought I was just going out with your best friend but, no. Of course you'd come too! As we took seats, you dragged your best friend by your side (which the best friend declined). I am not dumb to not know it was an obvious ploy to shield yourself from me so I sat beside your best friend despite the fact that there's a huge space beside yours. Now that we're apart, why are you talking to me? C'mon! Don't go sending mixed signals when I clearly sent a precise one! Edited June 23, 2015 by HeartLessRomantic
OldSoul86 Posted June 23, 2015 Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) I don't know if this is just something temporary, but I'll take it. Yesterday was a dark day for me, I was extremely depressed and felt all of the guilt for doing what I needed to do to save my mental health. I don't know if something has finally clicked and my heart realizes that we were not right for one another, or if this is something temporary and I'll continue on this awful roller coaster of emotions. I know that I still need to forgive myself for doing what I had to do. I forgive my ex, and hope that she can work on her attitude before attracting another man - because if she doesn't, rest assured she'll eventually push him away too. I only hope and pray that she seeks the help she needs, hopefully she can push her stubbornness aside and keep her ego in check while seeking help. My one regret is that she moved away from her family. I never told her to move away, in fact I was against it. She told me that she always wanted to move away, and that she hated the desert - I believed her, but part of me still feels guilty about being one of the reasons why she moved in the first place. My one and only wish is that she realizes that her family will be there for her (despite what she may think of them) and she decides to move back home. Of course I feel guilty as hell for dumping her (despite countless people saying that my guilt is entirely misplaced), and even more so that she moved - but, I never told her to move nor forced her to move, that was of her own accord. I can't let the guilt of this weigh down on me. The more I think about us getting back together in February, it was more to do with me feeling guilty about her moving away than anything else - which is not to belittle what we had at all, deep down I truly wanted to be her man and would have gone to war with her. She drove me away because of her poor attitude and toxic negativity which was seeping into me and sullying everything that I care about (life, family and friends.) B - don't be stubborn and try to tough this one out like I know you are. Go get the help you need, go back to your family, and please know that everything I felt for you was real - at one point I wanted nothing more than to be your man. I broke up with you because we're not meant for one another - this gives us both a chance to seek someone better for us. Edited June 23, 2015 by OldSoul86 Grammar
NomiMalone Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 3 months of nc and 3 months breakup.. I also am glad I just walked away and didn't beg or call or txt .. It has gotten some what easier the pain isn't as bad and I am coping a lot better .. I do miss the things we did together and now that I am remodeling the cabin that we planned on doing together, it's bitter sweet.. I sometimes think I'm not gonna have what I had with you with someone else... I'm gonna keeps head held high and know you and I weren't meant to be together .. What really gets me now tho , is I would have went to war for you had your back No matter what, you never had mine or stuck up for me when your mother would talk bad about me .. She's a bitter old lonely woman that controls your life.. Sad Ariess, there WILL be someone, and he'll appear and sweep you off your feet when you least expect it! And if he didn't have your back, he didn't deserve you.
NomiMalone Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 Now that the xxxxxxx is no longer there, there is really nothing else of his that remains in my life. Well I guess this is it. Whether this was one f***ing epic miscommunication I guess I'll never know. But one thing I do know is that it simply wasn't meant to be.
candie13 Posted June 24, 2015 Posted June 24, 2015 so it's the end of week 6 of NC from me and the beginning of the 7th week since the break up. things pretty clean and clear. I did find it a bit hard last week, more than before I felt the need to contact him not to ask him to come back, but to know if I was 120% wrong. About him, about me. About how we felt for eachother. I was talking to one of my friends today and he very serenely explained how he totally sees himself having children with one woman, but not marrying her. Like it was his property. Cold. That was cold, man. I totally don't miss having sex with him. Something must be off. I think week 6 is def a milestone for me. I don't think about him almost at all, these days. I have other worries. Much much bigger and much more important. I made peace with myself. On the outside and on the inside. I've let the dice fall where they may. The only thing left for me is to continue to living.
TrevorDia Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 It is no secret that I've been abysmal at this whole non contact thing. Every so often, either me or my ex would end up throwing breadcrumbs and I'd end up at square 1. So I don't count it a victory that I've got X days NC, I count it as a victory that I no longer count how long I've gone without her. I didn't get a job I really wanted, so the stress has been piled on, and then I got a case at work and I'm defending a scumbag, who... Well, he "takes pictures" and I have to convince a court that he's a good guy who had a rough patch. It's a job I don't want to have to do anymore, I hate it. So it's fair to say I've been having a terrible time. Then yesterday night something odd happened. I'd just been out to get a drink and I was walking down the main road when this lass comes up to me and tells me some guy had been following her and she was scared and asked if I'd pretend to be her partner until he left. I looked around and this guy looked so creepy. Like, I put away a handful of guys like him a week. So I put my arm around her and start asking about her day. She's a dental hygienist who hates citrus smells. She was so adorably awkward! I took her into a Tesco Express, bought a couple of microwave meals and wine and once I was sure the guy had gone, put her in a taxi. She gave me her number and she's coming around for a microwave meal and a movie on Friday evening, haha! We've been talking all evening and I feel like a teenager with a crush on a schoolfriend. I'm not a big believer in Karma or Destiny, but I can't say I'm mad at how this has worked out. For the first time in months, I think I'm "happy" 3
15Love Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Today's been hard. One week ago today...is the last time I will have ever spoken to him. Yeah. Today was hard.
taw3890 Posted June 25, 2015 Posted June 25, 2015 Funny things those moments of clarity. You know those? Moments when you're thinking that "Hey, it wasn't meant to be. Everything gonna be allright. Just hang in there and you'll find yourself a better gf". Lately I've been having these thoughts more regularly. Today was the first morning in weeks when the first thing in my mind after waking up wasn't her. That's progress, I think. Also, I think that maybe I've been numbing myself by overthinking her. I'm just tired of longing after her and thinking those what-ifs. I know we're too drifted apart. We're both moving out of our place and when she's here, she's acting like she doesn't care for me at all anymore. It's tough coming from a person that just few months ago said that she loved me more than anything. Well, she's young. I still get feelings of sadness when I think about my ex and her new soon-to-be official boyfriend (that's they direction they seem to be heading).
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