Yummm Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 3.5 weeks post BU and today is probably the toughest day for me so far. I have been feeling much better over the last 4 days, had a really good weekend - got back into the gym, indulged in work, family and friends. Had a lovely massage and a hot bath last night followed by relatively good thoughts. This morning my world came crashing down when after 2 weeks of NC, my ex drives past my house, stares at me with a miserable face, stops for a few seconds and drives off - not sure why it effected me so much but my head is now in emotional overload. Really hope I get through today and tomorrow is a better one, and hope everybody else is coping alright. Stay strong 1
candie13 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 3.5 weeks post BU and today is probably the toughest day for me so far. I have been feeling much better over the last 4 days, had a really good weekend - got back into the gym, indulged in work, family and friends. Had a lovely massage and a hot bath last night followed by relatively good thoughts. This morning my world came crashing down when after 2 weeks of NC, my ex drives past my house, stares at me with a miserable face, stops for a few seconds and drives off - not sure why it effected me so much but my head is now in emotional overload. Really hope I get through today and tomorrow is a better one, and hope everybody else is coping alright. Stay strong man, that's cruel... stay strong !!!
candie13 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 the more time passes by, the more I realize... he's jut a commitment phobe who happened to want children. as for the rest, he is exactly like the rest of the men I met: ready to date, mate, but limited to no emotional involvement. As cold as a river stone placed near a glacier. I don't even think he realizes that he lied. it's not him, it's me. I blame myself for not seeing through his game sooner. omg, do you realize that if I hadn't had those work issues, I would have never found out?
Twigyy Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 3.5 weeks post BU and today is probably the toughest day for me so far. I have been feeling much better over the last 4 days, had a really good weekend - got back into the gym, indulged in work, family and friends. Had a lovely massage and a hot bath last night followed by relatively good thoughts. This morning my world came crashing down when after 2 weeks of NC, my ex drives past my house, stares at me with a miserable face, stops for a few seconds and drives off - not sure why it effected me so much but my head is now in emotional overload. Really hope I get through today and tomorrow is a better one, and hope everybody else is coping alright. Stay strong Keep it up with the NC, It will.be worth it!
Ariess10 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 2 months nc and 2 months since break up , dunno what it is but I can't seem to get out of this dark hole I have been in for a few days.. Feel like day one.. I should be happy I have lost almost 35 lbs looking way better then I did .. Dunno maybe it's the weather .. I lost a lot of my friends during my 3 year relationship so I'm pretty much alone and I'm trying to fix some of them.. Wish me luck 1
Yummm Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Stay strong Ariess10 - you seem like you're doing great! I have also lost an incredible amount of weight over the last 6 months, but that was before my relationship... So even though i'm getting back to the gym again after BU i'm not feeling much success as I've lost all my weight that I was trying to lose before the relationship. Today seems like a hard day for alot of us, hopefully tomorrow is better 1
na49 Posted June 2, 2015 Posted June 2, 2015 Today someone brought up their son's prom at work, and told me how they were hoping for good weather. I smiled, and told them "I think it rained on my prom" Okay, so who cares? Well, I went to prom with my ex (her prom, and mine) and naturally, the thought of the prom should make me feel like crap. I had a great time, and I should have went into a depressed tailspin thinking about it. I didn't though. It felt neutral. I was able to acknowledge my prom, the fact that I went with her, but didn't feel emotions about it. So I think I'm doing well today. I also haven't checked my trash folder for emails from her as much. My goal is to go a week without checking.
TrevorDia Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 So, she's becoming some kind of singer, and a friend of mine posted a video of her singing on Facebook. It completely caught me off guard, and my instant reaction was "watch it". After about the first minute of "Don't Dream It's Over" I punched my laptop screen straight through. This is the second time in just under 2 months I've punched a hole in my laptop -.- On a positive note, I've now deleted my Facebook account.
Ariess10 Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 So, she's becoming some kind of singer, and a friend of mine posted a video of her singing on Facebook. It completely caught me off guard, and my instant reaction was "watch it". After about the first minute of "Don't Dream It's Over" I punched my laptop screen straight through. This is the second time in just under 2 months I've punched a hole in my laptop -.- On a positive note, I've now deleted my Facebook account. that last sentence made me smile , I don't mean to down play your situation at all but I need that thanks
OldRover Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 It took me years to get over my first relationship.. yearssss. It's taken me months to make headway in getting over a guy I knew for just a short period with whom I felt an intense connection. Still not over it completely and thinking it may take a year or more. What I've discovered, is that having someone else entering the picture (such as a rebound or the like) helps take your mind off it temporarily (it did for me for a bit too), but at some point that grief has to surface and wash away, and that doesn't happen quickly....at least for me. It keeps resurfacing over and over until it's done its thing. It's not like a broken down car where you can look up the issue in the manual, find the error, and fix it. The heart doesn't work like that. When your arm is broken, you can rest it and care for it to assist with the healing, but no one can tell you exactly when it will stop hurting. Yet, you're trying to put a time limit on your healing. 'My goal is to be over it in three months.' That is a spectacular goal and I laud you for making a valiant effort and pulling out all stops to get there, but that is kind of like saying that you hope to meet the right person and get married 29 years old. These are things over which we don't have complete control. I think it takes longer for some because those for whom it takes a while are deeply emotional and more on the artistic/creative side and less logic-oriented (think writers such as Hemingway & the myriad love songs that exist). For me, I try to be logical about love but it's a force that cannot be contained by logic. My heart has its own time table for healing and that I cannot control, though I do attempt to assist with the healing, or at least I try not to add to the despair. I think it's a combination of our emotional constitution and the depth of the bond we feel for someone, that determines how long we can recover. There are people I know who can get over others in a flash, or at least they can drug/drink/party themselves into oblivion to make it seem like they're alright. Then there are others who self-medicate or look for a 'quick fix' through antidepressants. I don't do any of that. I take walks, I read, I write, I journal, I go out with friends, I go to work, I keep living life. And I feel the pain every moment until it becomes less difficult to cope, and until it stops being the center of my focus. I'd rather be heartbreakingly stuck for a long while, however long it takes my heart to accept the new reality, than to a) be so unfeeling that it takes me no time to get over the person (if I get over someone quickly, my heart wasn't invested) b) take drugs/drink/party into oblivion c) jump from one person to another to ease the pain (meanwhile potentially hurting one or more of those people) d) take antidepressants for a quick fix. These emotions/feelings are a part of me. I need to deal with them and be accepting of them and not shun them like I'm some anomaly for feeling pain for a prolonged period. Having been heartbroken once before, I know that it's par for the course to take a while to heal. However, ymmv. Dyna, Agreed, it's very hard to put a time limit on healing from the loss of someone. But I had to start somewhere... and I'm very goal driven. Set the parameters, and time frame, and then find methods and ways to accomplish the goal. I believe there is some logic to a recovery, however, still hard to control, and often the strangest thing will set you back a few days. I also believe that one can force themselves to fall in and out of love. May be a bit harder for fall in love if the other person doesn't have some attractiveness. It's largely a mind game. I knew this lady several years and never thought of her as a SO, but when she put forth an effort I saw her in a different light and had no problem developing strong feelings toward her that led to love. Also, recovery depends on how good and how long the relationship was.... a short 6 month relationship is way easier to get over than something for many years. And one that had great qualities where a lot of great times and success was enjoyed is harder than one with turmoil and fighting. I had some good times that were just so good, they are not repeatable. The first time we made love was so outstanding that if I posted the details here, no one would believe it.... a perfect time, no problems or mistakes and lasted well into the next day. Things like that are very hard to forget, and we've had many, many good times. However, we did have a few issues, one which was major that finally was the thing that ended it. Unfortunately, as time went on, it became worse, and go to the point that it just wasn't worth the stress and disappointment to continue, so I ended it, and she was expecting it. Had I been a little smarter, I could have probably seen that a year or two earlier and saved both of us some grief. But I didn't and worked hard to make it work. I'll survive, regardless, and have worked strongly in my mind programming her out, and working to totally forget the good times, and have been spending my time doing positive things that keep my mind off her. I have a very understanding SO now (that I've known and had a relationship for years) that is helping me through this, and my progress is pretty much on target. There is NO WAY I could accept this bothering me for a year or more... I just will not let that happen. I may not quite make my three month goal, but I WILL survive and putting my efforts in that direction. I hope I find the day that there will be no more feelings or emotion at all with the ex GF, but hope that if we run into each other, it will not be bitter or trigger resentment, but just a friendly hi. I don't believe we will ever develop and close friendship, like we had years before we got involved, and that's fine.
OldRover Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 OldRover, I'm SO with you. This site has helped me so much with my breakup, but when I see posts from people who've been grieving over a year, it terrifies me. Will that be me? Yikes. Everything you said makes so much sense, but here's what I don't get about our minds after a breakup or divorce: At what point do those emotional attachments/bonds subside and logic enters the picture? My case for example: my ex pulled away from me emotionally for so long, started denying me any form on intimacy, came home with marks on his neck, condoms in his pockets and became verbally abusive from his late night drinking binges. So why is it so hard for me to get over him? Sure, I play the highlights of our relationship over in my mind like a movie and that hinders progress, but why can't my heart catch up with my brain and realize "Hey, you were unhappy for a long time. What's wrong with you?" THAT is the hardest part. Acceptance, IMO, is the hardest stage of grieving, because it's like letting go of all of those happy memories in favor of moving on. It almost feels like a betrayal of what you had. At least that's how I feel. I can't seem to let those go. There has to be a way to make logic overcome the emotions at some point. I just wish I knew how, and everyone else on here who is grieving. I feel like, at that point, you can be "over" the loss of a relationship. Cold and Lonely, I hope you success in your recovery and grieving.... and hope it is short and successful. I strongly believe it's largely a mind game... and you should have a bit of a head start, as you already knew you had a serious disconnect. When there's clearly cheating and lying, it's over, unless there's a SERIOUS take and SERIOUS reconciliation, which you didn't seem to have. None the less, it's still hard, especially when you remember the good time. The time to accept the end is on DAY ONE, when you KNOW it's over. Sure, it's really hard at first, but time heals, and if you work hard in your mind to get him out of your mind and forget.... Fill you mind with positive thoughts. Find new activities, spend time with GOOD friends that understand, and have a good time. Also, if you can find a good counselor, they can help...unfortunately, very hard to find a really good one. No, it's not easy. And nothing wrong with a few dates, too.... but no need to rush, and just enjoy a good time. Best to you. 1
Zetec Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 What upsets me the most, is knowing that you she happy without me, and she is happy with her new guy. I was that guy. For 2 and a half years we did everything together. Explored new things, made happy memories and plans for the future. I feel so lost
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 3, 2015 Posted June 3, 2015 Today is day 12 of NC. I'm so glad I come to this forum and that I was convinced to go NC. I feel so empowered and like I'm moving on at a quicker pace. I've been able to realize that he was no good for me, and that I'm much happier alone than being in a bad relationship. I can be "myself" again. 3
Cora Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Not doing as well today. All these thoughts came flooding back to me and with those thoughts came the tears. I tried to hold them back because I was doing so good, but I couldn't control them any longer. I never got a goodbye from him and he completely ignored me when I asked him what was going on. I guess he decided he wanted to cast the most torture upon me by leaving me with all these questions...complete lack of closure. Not only did he not care about me enough to want to be with me, but he also didn't care about me enough to feel I deserved a goodbye. That's what really tears me up inside. To know that he meant the world to me and I meant nothing to him. He's happily moving on with his life while I'm here stagnant in pain with all these many many questions which will never be answered. I'm also left with serious doubt in my ability to judge people's character. If I ever date again I really feel sorry for the future guy as I will be so paranoid and will probably put him through hell.
StrangerThanFiction Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 It's Day 20...ish of NC. Stopped counting the days last week. Feeling alright, just utterly exhausted lately because I haven't been sleeping well. Vividly gruesome nightmares. Must be from all the horror stories and movies I read and watch every day and which I love so much. Might have to switch to a lighter genre for awhile to chase the shadows away. Other than that, life is moving forward.
Sunbathe Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I haven't posted here in so long. It's been about 13 months since my ex and I broke up. I am doing okay. It took me a while to get to this point, but I am here. I survived. I do find myself thinking about my ex sometimes, but not nearly as often as before. And usually it's just a passing thought. Sometimes it's more than that... sometimes it's a longing for him to be a part of my life. Sometimes it's the desire to feel his arms around me, or hear his voice. Sometimes its reminiscing about the past and our fondest memories together. Sometimes its about all of the hurt and the pain. And sometimes I wonder if he would even recognize who I am now. So much has happened. I graduated college. I've been accepted to grad school. I got a new apartment. I've reconnected with old friends, and have made so many incredible new ones as well. I am independent and free and I have loved how empowering it feels to not be under the push and pull of my ex any longer. After 13 months, I have recently started feeling like I am ready to date again. It took me longer than most to move on from my breakup, but I finally feel like I can give 110% of myself to another person again. I've really valued the time I had where I could sleep in a queen sized bed all by myself... where I could jump in my car and leave town for days without consulting anyone. But I am ready to share a bed again, and I am ready for road trips with someone by my side. 4
Woon Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Hello all. While i await to hear from my ex, when she wants to meet up this weekend, a part of me has accepted that its over. And you know what? Im okay with that. Even though my heart wants to ache more over it, its as if my head has decided "hey, its okay and for the best for you". So today is a good day and hopefully the worst days are behind me. 1
imtrying211 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I think the finality of it all is really hitting me today and I'm feeling so depressed. Not just depressed over the breakup, but with life in general. I've given up hope that my ex will come back, but can't give up wanting him to come back. I want the happiness back that I felt while with him. It was the only time in my life when I truly felt happy, having someone love me, having someone there for me instead of always having to be there for other people. I guess I've suffered from depression my whole life, but got used to feeling that way. Now that the one thing that brought me happiness is gone, I'm forced to deal with the sadness that is my life. I don't have any friends, don't have things I enjoy doing, am unhappy with my job, and living situation. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to at the end of the day. I don't know what to do, how to cope, how to "fix" myself.
candie13 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 In my last breakup, weeks 3 to 5 after I'd enforced NC were the worst. With the recent guy, I'm slowly going on week 4. Keeping busy, spending way too much time on LS and overthinking, but making progress and healing. I've had a bit of a shock last week, when I came back home from my trip, to face the reality. I'm much better, million times better now compared to how I was 1 week ago. Full NC and lack of any reaction is actually very soothing, like a clean cut. Stings like hell when it happens, but there's no infection after that. Slowly accepted that he'll never contact me again and I'll never contact him again and that's that. if you think about it, 3 weeks is nothing, it still is very fresh. As long as I keep busy, I'll be fine. 2
TrevorDia Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Aaaaaaaaand, I'm back to Step 1. Ever since I saw her video yesterday I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. Today I'd actually written her a message on Facebook and it mentally tore me apart deleting it. I didn't break NC, but I really wanted to. I miss her like crazy today. I need her back in my life. I am feeling so very weak today. I think today is the day I will break NC. ****.
BrokenJourney Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Not doing well. Feeling crappy, hopeless, listless, numb, lonely.
AIJ Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Awful day. Car decided to break down on me, need to get that repaired. College was a drag. Work was a drag. Thought I'd come home and settle down with my new phone that arrived today. Open it up and they've sent me the wrong colour. Really not having any luck at all today!
Travis1990 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 I'm doing ok I guess. On month six now since BU of 6 year relationship with fiancée. It still hits me a couple times a day that she cheated on me for the last few months of the relationship and then left me for the guy. That's really the hardest thing to deal with and my self confidence has taken a huge hit. It really hurts to think she's out there somewhere having all these new experiences with another guy and I'm still picking up the pieces and trying to put my life back together. It's really been the most traumatic experience for me. I'm just doing my best to learn from this and go into an upward spiral instead of the opposite. Don't want to be one of those guys that carries around a lot of baggage or grow into a bitter old man.
RogerWallace111 Posted June 4, 2015 Posted June 4, 2015 Not so great. Neutral at best, seized up in my stomach and heart at worst. Have overwhelming moments of anxiety thinking about having lost her. Like this fully consuming fear that everything good I've felt will never be felt again. I can picture myself going on to achieve the successes I plan on achieving but it seems like they'll be empty gestures without her in my life.
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 5, 2015 Posted June 5, 2015 Everyone seems to be having a bad day today. Going out tonight with friends. Fingers are crossed that I don't see him. I've been doing good on the 13th day of NC, and not sad at all.
Recommended Posts