How are you coping today?

May 10, 2015

I checked his facebook page today. ( I know what you are all going to yell at me, but, I was weak)

I see that he had recently Friended 4 females.

Yes, these could be anybody(coworkers, whatever) but that's not where my brain wanders...

I feel like I will never heal from this. And have had 3 straight bad days..

My whole past week has been bad days, my friend.

But today, it's like the past week never even happened!

There will be good days, and there will be bad days, but you will be fine. You will grow, and you will thrive.

And whoever this guy is, he's going to be the one missing out on someone who cares so much

May 10, 2015

It's definitely up and down. I'm doing my best to keep my mind occupied, doing my best to think and read of how I can improve myself as a person, doing my best to keep a hold of reasons why I'm better off without him.

It's really hard. He was my best friend and we talked so indepth of what our future together held and what we would do. That's hardest. The sudden change and someone so important to me willingly abandoning me, and the giant space that my future is now.

May 10, 2015

It's really hard. He was my best friend and we talked so indepth of what our future together held and what we would do. That's hardest. The sudden change and someone so important to me willingly abandoning me, and the giant space that my future is now.

I think that is the killer for me. how he can just walk away and not care that I had no where to go. I tell myself it was his way of coping and he was just stronger at it. But feel like I'm lying to myself.

Truth is, I'm terrified of a future. I think I'm forever changed. This gaping hole will always be here. The more accomplishments I make, the more apparent this hole becomes.

And he has changed so much, the person I knew is really gone. So it doesn't even matter if we can become friends again. He's just gone.

Been crying today, I'm hungry now and don't have anything in the house so I have to go out. Love these times when I need to be seen in public with the "she's been crying look", it's awesome.

Edited May 10, 2015 by 10yearsgoneaway

May 10, 2015

I feel shaky. I'm trying not to think about everything that had happened but whenever I let my guard down, there it is in the forefront of my mind and I can't stop myself from going through it all over again. I'm trying really hard not to beat myself up about it too much, but I just can't help feeling so stupid and weak.

I know I should be focussing on the relief that he is out of my life forever now and can't hurt me anymore but what keeps running through my head is how someone can live such a double life. Or why I was never good enough. I keep thinking that what's so great about this woman that he'd offer to take her on trips that he'd pay for when it was me paying for everything while we were together. And he says this woman is just a "friend". Something I have to keep reminding myself of is that he's been lying to her just as much as he was to me. When he took her out on dates she had no idea he was still living with me. For the last month or so that we were back together and he was living here she had no idea.

I've considered contacting her to let her know what type of man he is, but really, what's the point? It won't make anyone any happier. In fact it will just cause drama that I'd be better off without. It's over, for me. He's not my problem anymore and contacting her will do nothing but set me back on my road to re-recovery. She can deal with him now. I was just the woman who he used to look after him when he fell on hard times. The end.

So, how am I coping today? Not good. But with some time and maybe some therapy for my self esteem and obvious issues in having a healthy relationship, I'll be better one day.

May 10, 2015

Day 15 NC

I still think about her with this other guy she met straight after our break up.

It hurts a hell of a lot but not as much as last week or the week before that, im getting better..

Next time a naive girl tells me she loves me and doesnt want anybody else i'll take it with a pinch of salt.

I'll be a stronger person soon more powerful than i can possibly imagine.

May 10, 2015

I'm thinking about finally throwing away pictures and other stuff from the relationship on the day he broke up with me. I am so afraid. But that fear is just tied into hope. I feel like doing this would be ceremonious for me and finally allow me to let go faster. When our loved ones die, we have a ceremony that help us let that person go. So I feel like burying our memories into a dumpster will help me let him go. I don't know if I'll have the courage to do it though. I don't want to be impulsive and regret it.

May 11, 2015

I was sure I was going to hear from him today. We always spent Mother's Day with our own moms and then made sure to tell each other to tell our moms Happy Mother's Day.

We've been friends since we were in grade school, and even before we dated, we always told each other to wish each other's Mom a Happy Mother's Day.

This is the second holiday since the breakup (first was Easter) and there's been radio silence since he started dating a mutual acquaintance of ours.

I think it's finally hitting me that it's over and that the chance he'll come back to me is near zero.

Feeling sad tonight.

May 11, 2015

^^^ I know how you feel. I was expecting some contact today, too, since my ex is really close to my mom.

Instead, I texted him and had him call me and I cried like a blubbering idiot. It has been a really hard day.

May 11, 2015

So long ago already, but I doubt there has been a day she wasn't on my mind at all

Sometimes events in life just do not make sense, but they never were supposed to make sense to begin with.

May 11, 2015

It'll be a week tomorrow and it's been the slowest and worst week of my life. Chunks of the day I'm okay if I keep my mind occupied. Almost all of yesterday I was okay. But now it's 11am and I've been crying all morning.

I miss him so damn much.

May 11, 2015

17 years

17 years of efforts again and again and again

Wasted for nothing .

Sheclaims to love me but she loves only herself

She never ever sacrifice for me ,she never set a dinner

She never ever put nice cloth to date me ,

So lazy so selfish ,

Canno longer handle it ,sleep on the same bed with her

But cant hug her nir touch her

So icompatible we are,she is so harsh.

If she hits the kids anymore i will hit her...

May 11, 2015

I miss my life

Before i mer her ,

Iam burning here like acandle .

May 11, 2015

If she hits the kids anymore i will hit her...

Please do not do that, it only will cause more problems.

Please try some therapy, it might give you some answers that makes things move for you.

May 11, 2015

I am really sad today, but also proud of myself for finally facing the music. (No matter how slowly I might do so.)

I am still stuck hoping that if I juuust do something else, or reach out, that suddenly he will come back and we can be best buddies. It really sucks. I logically know it's an absolute pipe dream, but I just can't grow up and accept it yet. I was so desperately in love with this...this...loser. All he ever did was take every little thing he could from me, and thought nothing of ripping me down. The memories of all the pain he inflicted on me really help with not wanting to ever date him again though. So that's sort of a good thing. It's the defense I have against the deep loss I feel.

The grief is really immense right now- it is blinding me to how far I have come, and how I have improved my life. I really have improved myself. Where he would tear me down and clip my wings, I am finally beginning to feel free. It's an absolutely amazing feeling to not be so held down. He held me down while we dated, he dragged me down and crushed my self esteem, he critiqued my body and was unsupportive of me growing as a person. Even when I finally found the strength to separate, his specter haunted me.

Now I am finally breaking free. I'm terrified of letting him go, and I have no idea how to navigate this and rebuild trust. So...that's where I'm at today. My main goal for today is to recognize my own growth and take time to be proud of myself. I think I might make a list.

May 11, 2015

Today is 3 weeks since I started NC.

I'll be honest, I've barely thought about her today - and I'm out of the funk I've been in for the last week.

I think I'm finally in a place where I can start building myself back up - work on my self-esteem, and finally put a smile back on my face.

Her life is her problem now, I won't be sucked into any more of her games.

Happy sailing ahead... I hope

May 11, 2015

I'm thinking about finally throwing away pictures and other stuff from the relationship on the day he broke up with me. I am so afraid. But that fear is just tied into hope. I feel like doing this would be ceremonious for me and finally allow me to let go faster. When our loved ones die' date=' we have a ceremony that help us let that person go. So I feel like burying our memories into a dumpster will help me let him go. I don't know if I'll have the courage to do it though. I don't want to be impulsive and regret it.[/quote']

I went through exactly the same thing last week. I was sorting through some stuff, and came across birthday and Christmas cards, gifts and photos of her/us.

It was hard finding them. I wanted to put them back, as that was the easiest thing to do, but I knew it would be tempting to look at them again. I found that looking at the stuff didn't make me happy, it made me sad. Why would I want to keep stuff like that?

I got a rubbish bag and put it all in, and then took it to the recycling centre. Yeah it hurt for a little bit, but all of those reminders of her have now gone, for good.

I am pleased with myself, as I now feel so much better for doing that. Do what is best for you and makes you happy

May 11, 2015

Coping like hell.

Had a crazy weekend, talking to LOTS of unknown women with no result. I'm starting to feel desperate for getting laid again. And losing the low confidence I already had while seeing I'm not that attractive as I used to think. Tired of working hard for others, tired of devoting effort with no pleasure: "all work and no fun makes Jack a dull boy". And the sad part of all this stuff is that it's not only the sex what I miss - I also miss that female counterpart I really cared for, even after the orgasm.

In other words, there is no single night I go to sleep without praying for a sudden death.

May 11, 2015

5pm now and apparently watching Love It Or List It cheers me up. /cough

May 12, 2015

Today was going fairly well- just cleaning and getting work done. I also started reading more threads here to give myself more time to digest everything. I saw a post where someone mentioned googling their ex and finding old police reports or something.

So what do I do? Effing google his name. I was always curious what sort of history he had that he lied to me about. Clicked on a social media page, and realized too late the site would tell him I looked at his page. Ahhhhhhh nooooope. Cue panic.

At least my profile picture on that site looks great! Like...I can take confidence knowing that at least.

I wonder what he'll think.

...ehh probably nothing. And I should think nothing of him too, huh. Ok, ok. I have to keep my head on straight. He is long gone and out of my life. Sure, I'm only now processing the loss, but that is ok. It doesn't degrade the fact that I have now lived for YEARS without his loser azz in my life. And with him gone my life has dramatically improved.

Phew. Ok. Embracing feeling calm. Embracing it. He is my past, not my present, and certainly not my future. While I need to process this, I also am so done crying over this jerk. I just wish it would all stop. I will get over this, I just can't rush it.

May 12, 2015

Doing a little better today. 2 days of NC. Doesn't seem like much, but this time I am so determined to move on and not speak to him. On the phone with him two nights ago it finally hit me: he doesn't want me back. He was pretty cold on the phone. I need to move on and focus on school, work, friendships and a future without him.

There are days when I'm perfectly fine, and there are others when I burst into tears. It has only been two weeks, but it feels like an eternity. Does anyone else relate to this? How time seems to slow down when you're without the person you love. I can't believe it has only been two weeks.

May 12, 2015

It's been a rough couple of days.

I went to the bar with a friend last night for a drink. Came home a little tipsy and the ex decides to have a conversation with me.

He apologized to me for a lot of the things he's been doing post break up. I didn't really care. It wasn't a reconciliation apology. He claims he's doing it to try and be a better person. I didn't understand why he let himself get so close to my best friend of 10 years behind my back. He told me he was so hurt that he just didn't care about hurting me anymore, at the time, but he sees how wrong it was and feels guilty.

He told me that 4 years ago he loved me before he even told me because he was scared. That he loved me just until a few months ago. I don't understand how he can just throw 3.5 years officially together and 4.5 years of knowing each other away in just a couple months.

Every time he swore he'd change to me, I believed him. I trusted him. I forgave every mistake because I love him. I ask for just a little bit of the pressure off from him ONCE, and I don't even get one real good shot at the long haul, for whatever outcome.

He's still pushing friendship with me at some point. He's saying that he doesn't see us getting back together but still says it once in a while. I don't want to be friends with him at all. It breaks my heart to not have him in my life, but I just can't be his friend. I want him to work on himself, I know nothing can happen with us right now while all this hurt is so fresh.

I wouldn't have had that conversation with him if I wasn't a little drunk. I regret letting my guard down like that. It just made me feel like I was back to where I was emotionally the day he dumped me.

I had been doing so well and I set myself back like this. He makes me feel like I'm the crazy one, even though I know he's delusional and isn't seeing reality clearly.

Sorry this is so long.

Having a really rough day today.

May 12, 2015

The summer time is a huge emotional trigger for me. Technically we're not in summer yet, but it sure as hell feels like it. Today I cried 3 times and masturbated more than 5 times. Not only is summer weather a trigger but finals exams have me stressed out to the highest degree. I hate my life, I hate NYC, I hate everything.

Edited May 12, 2015 by Jonp219

May 13, 2015

Today was hard. Work was torture. All I wanted to do was go home so I could be alone, cry, and find some comfort and support from my friends and on here but it dragged on and on and I know I'm going to have to do it all over again tomorrow and until Friday. I was in a constant state of anxiety and couldn't focus on my work which takes a fair amount of concentration so my performance was less than exemplary today.

I feel so crappy. I haven't eaten anything today and even the thought of food just me sick to my stomach. I've had a pounding headache all day and I can't seem to stop the flood of painful thoughts that have been on a constant repeat cycle in my head. I feel like this is never going to stop and I'm never going to get better. I feel insane because I miss him even after everything he's done.

Please make it stop.

May 13, 2015

Just had a really bad dream about him and a girl I think he's seeing just two weeks after he left me, and I woke up desperate for answers. I feel like I have to know if he's seeing her, and if so, why he left me for her. It's going to be a long day.

May 14, 2015

Someone has got to talk me out of texting him.

It's been 51 days since the breakup and I'm doing better every day. I haven't looked at his social media once. I haven't done anything crazy. As far as he knows, I'm off having a wonderful life without him, and for the most part, he'd be right. I got a new hairstyle, signed up for a sushi making class and am in the process of patching things up with an old friend.

But I still miss him. Especially at night. That's when we would be talking for hours on end.

He broke NC twice in the first few weeks following the breakup. I didn't respond or even read his messages.

As expected, ever since he went "Facebook Official" with a mutual acquaintance of ours, there has been no contact from him at all.

I always told myself that he would have to be the first to make contact because I sure as hell wasn't going to do it. I'm way too stubborn, and I'm not the desperate type and I refuse to chase after someone who doesn't want me.

Then why am I so tempted to contact him?

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