Throldur Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I was actually doing okay after crying for a bit when packing away everything that she gave me or reminded me of her. I knew I was going to bed with the intention of trying to dream/think out anything left of her so I could move on in the morning. Then I turned on Facebook. Saw a friend of mine get engaged to his girlfriend. That should have been me. I just hate myself for everything that led to the demise of my relationship even if it was more my ex's fault, I still have blame and I'm wallowing in it right now. But its a push. I want love and I want happily ever after. I'm going to get it.
Zetec Posted May 3, 2015 Posted May 3, 2015 I think to myself that I am making progress...but the truth is I really don't think that I am. I think about her less now (a dozen times a day), and I haven't cried over her for quite a while, but when I do think about her I have little conversations in my head about stuff that I have been up to, almost like we are still together. I think out the scenario of her coming back to me, and us getting back to how we were. I have conversations like this with her all the time in my head and I know its not healthy, but this imaginary world in my head keeps me happy, rather than what is actually real life. I also can't bring myself to even see her name, or see a picture of her. I deleted everything off my phone and social media that included her, but just now I saw a mutual friend had tagged her name in a post on Facebook and it upset me. Just seeing her name. How silly is that? God help me when I actually see her in person again. I think this proves that I am not really making progress at all. 4 months down the line and just seeing her name upsets me. The thought of seeing her terrifies me. I don't wish her happiness, and I don't want her to be happy with her new guy. Two more signs that I haven't moved on. I just don't know what to do? 1
TrevorDia Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 Today marks 2 weeks since I started NC; It also marks our 2 year anniversary since she broke up with me. Our break up was complicated though - it was essentially just more freedom for both of us - we were quite clingy when we dated, so we did all the stuff we used to do when we dated for the following year after the "break up", but we had freedom. For the year after we broke up, we were still discussing moving in together and getting married. But then she started sleeping around - and not just a little, it was a lot - and all of a sudden I went from some strange relationship to purely platonic friends. And for the next year I struggled to get myself out of the friend zone, but she's now had at least a three-figure number of sexual partners in the past year, and it's completely destroyed my soul. See, at least when you break up with someone, it's usually a clean break. What I got was to see my soulmate slowly get torn from me, everything about her that I cherished so deeply burned out of her. But she had a power over me, she knew exactly what to say to me to get me to do whatever she wanted - I was her puppet - I got her into a course in the UK, I got her residence in the UK, I bought her presents, I stayed up listening to her heartwrenching stories about the guys she was ****ing. It was hell. But it didn't stop me loving her. And I genuinely thought I was putting in my time until she was ready for a relationship. And that's when she started dating that ****ing bastard she's with now. They're all so in love and happy, and it's crushing me. But I'm trying to move on. It sucks, man. I know it sounds like I was in a really ****ty situation, and I was, but she was still my best friend, and I loved her. This feeling sucks.
UnknownFX Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 im having a weak day today, ive been wanting to text or talk to my ex today really badly but i know if i do i will start back to square one i think its been 2 1/2 months of strickly nc but damn i hate these weak days i get. I just need to vent to feel sane lol. hopefully tomorrow i feel better.
Twigyy Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 After around 4 months of NC, these couple of days absolutely suck. Materials needed for sculpting class ran out, plus my laptop is dying and I am rushing to back up my files. I wish there is someone who can pat me on the back, or just let me hug, and forget about everything. The only thing that I felt good about myself was that I signed up for driving classes... Sigh.
TunaCat Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 43 days into NC, and I'm rocking this. I'm not tempted to peak on his social media at all. In fact, the idea that he's in a relationship with someone isn't devastating to me. I'm okay with him seeing someone else, I'm happy FOR him. 3
Throldur Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 One of those days.. Wake up, it's Cinco de Mayo. Which is her cats birthday. Yes, we were crazy cat people. So, immediately I have that in my head. I can't stay at home and I'm trying to get out of the house. I buy a cookbook, make small talk with a few girls around the mall, I can't get out of my own head. Buy shampoo that I need, was planning on buying clothes but just wasn't in the right headspace. Came home. Took a picture to upload to facebook of my new haircut. Click on the mobile album. Lo and behold, there's a comment my ex made on that album in January 2014. Well, we're blocked from each others facebook. All that content is gone. Why is it showing up? It's her same profile pic as before, with her friend, nothing with a new guy or Ontario, thank god, but does that mean she's unblocked me? I have to check. Nope, still blocked. Okay, that's weird. Now I'm crying because I saw her, I remember the post, I remember how much I love her. Get outside take a breath. Family comes home. Time to get caught up on 'The Following'. Flashback with scenes involving the actor who played 'Silas' in 'Weeds'. Who her cat is named after. Okay, push through it. Three episodes to watch. Third episode.. a character named 'Silas' appears. You ****ing kidding me? What is WITH today. Shows over. I'm bored. What's in the book for recipe? Flip through a few pages. Udon Noodles. Great, that's a nickname for a hockey player for the Habs that we used to have and yell when he touched the puck. Now I can hear her voice yelling in my ear in unison with me. God I miss her. I'm just a wreck at the table. One of those days where everything reminds me of. Then, what do I get? A little birdy comes out of the woodwork. She's posting about how her anxiety is going crazy. That she isn't going to the Ed Sheeran concert in June but he's coming back in September so there's still some 'hope'. Nothing positive posted about anything, no pictures of the new guy. I don't wanna know this but it's making me feel a little better then I'm told the best tweet of all, "all these great concerts, I'm an hour away from Toronto and there's no one to go with" followed by five crying emoji's. I tell this person, even though this information makes me smile inside because its proof of everything happening how I expected to and it makes me feel better that she's getting a douse of the medicine she needs to experience, I just can't have it but since today has already been a mess with references to her by the Universe, I'll take it.. just don't tell me any more. So her anxiety is flaring up. It isn't what she expected. This guy isn't taking her to any concerts she wanted to see. It's just a 'little trip. Nothing exciting. He's doing what I thought he would. Lie to get her out and then not follow through with anything. She's obviously feeling alone since there's no one to go to a concert with for her out there. She now realizes she doesn't have a boyfriend she loves, no friends that are hers, no one to experience things with that matter, no family.. she plans on gutting it out though, a reference to September, that sucks but hey, I could have written the script on how this would play out. Funny thing is. If we were still together.. I'd be close to proposing to her. We'd be going to that concert, together, and it would be a trip to getaway. So not only would she experience everything she wanted in life with the guy she wanted to, but she would have even more than she thought. Instead she has less than even I do and I miss her a lot still. I'd feel bad for her if she didn't bring this on herself. I just wish things didn't go this way. We could have had it all. Instead we're suffering worlds apart, both wanting the same thing, but she fractured in with her delusions. Those delusions are fading. You are in the honeymoon stage and its anything but a honeymoon. What's going to happen when the glow on that pile of **** you're tending to wears off? It's gonna smell even worse. I tried to save you but you wouldn't listen. Now, you learn. We will see what the future brings. I still love her. Always will. Trying to move on when you know that's the girl of your dreams out there.. this has given a jolt to the kernel of hope but I froze it and put it back on the shelf. September. That's a long way away. She hasn't given up. She hasn't reached out. Sure things are going how they thought but that doesn't mean a thing. Keep improving myself each day.. keep her **** separate from me and we will see. Just one of those days. 1
DJOkawari Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) Today has been extra hard. It's been exactly 6 months since the initial break up. The saddest thing is that I had a few extremely good days before this. I had been thinking about how I'm pretty pleased with my life and that everything was going to be great. I had even been asking myself, "Wow are you finally getting over this? I guess this wasn't such a huge deal. Looks like you really are gonna move on. I guess she wasn't all that special". I woke up today and my first thought was, "Nope. She really was special. I miss everything." Then I saw the date and remembered that it all happened 6 months ago. i really thought I'd be doing better by now. NC for 6 or so weeks and she hasn't reached out either. Looks like it's completely done everywhere except for my own mind. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Edited May 6, 2015 by DJOkawari
Throldur Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 In ways I'm happy for the news I got from an inadvertent 'little birdy' because it let me know that things are happening how I predicted them and the thought she would be better off without me, her life would be better, is completely vanished, she's in a way worse spot. Although, that still saddens me because I love her. Thing is, I've been working on myself and trying to get back into the dating game. Though, with the way things are happening for her out there, the chances of her coming back are stronger than they have ever been. So, I've got that little bit of fear that says, what if I do find someone, then she comes back, I'll be conflicted. All I know is that things have turned in my favor all over the map the minute I started just loving myself and improving. I'm going to keep doing it, trying to forget about her, keep her frozen in time and let the Universe do its thing. The way I see it, I have two options, I can keep doing what I am doing and I can either have someone new, or she'll come back, or I'll have someone new and she'll come back then I'll have to follow my heart. The second option is, I just stop doing it and plan like she's going to come back. Now, she still might not, and this option is the only one that leaves me with an outcome that is undesirable (loneliness). So, I'm just gonna keep doing my thing and let the pieces fall where they may. Love is tough.
TrevorDia Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Today has been an all-round bad day for me. These past few days I'd been feeling quite good - I had my whole 'screw you' philosophy regarding my ex. But then today... Well, I started off with some 4 hour seminar with other lawyers (about 10) where I barely knew nobody there and everyone seemed to already know each other. So there I was sat at this 6-seater desk by myself (which doesn't particularly bother me) and then I saw one of the other 2 groups having a conversation and glancing over at me, after which, this old guy comes and sits at my table, clearly feeling sorry for me. And I couldn't help reflecting on how utterly alone I am. Anyway, after it, I decide to check what kind of things I'd done the night before, since I'd been drinking quite a lot (it was a one off, I swear). And I checked to make sure I hadn't messaged my ex - and I came across her Tumblr which she's been posting loads of pics of herself with suicidal messages on, and even though recently I've had a "screw you" approach to her - the only thing I felt at that point was overwhelming worry for her welfare. Congratulations, she wins, again. But I don't care about her winning, when it comes to whether she lets her depression get the best of her, I'm never ever going to let her go. - On the advice of people on this site, I've messaged her mother and told her in no uncertain terms that this cannot come back to me, but that my ex is in some serious emotional difficulty right now. And now I'm back to Step 1, because, although I haven't broken NC, I can't stop thinking about her and the urge to message her to tell her everything is going to be alright is overwhelming. 1
10yearsgoneaway Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Cried for the last 2 hours. Pretending to be ok gives way after about 3-4 days it seems. The more I repair and rebuild my life, the worse the pain and hurt get. I guess reality sets in of a past full of lies and future of damage and loneliness. Cliche but, I struggle with seeing a point in life. I just go through the motions with no interest or care, hiding suffering. It's tiring. 4
ephemeralme Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 so sorry --10 years... you and I are about the same in this place of going through the motions.. I at times wonder how transparent that seems or, how pathetic I look or sound when a colleague quickly jumps to...so let's see what's good these days .... running away from the aura of pain I exude I suppose. I HATE putting on the all's okay appearance and pretending it is.. when it isn't and feels lonely, sad, frightening, lost and alone all alone. this place, NOW is painful..... to embrace this pain is to grow...... I really don't want to now, I am too old to do this...... the motions..... up, work, make do, fake it, back from work. alone, alone, more alone ( I love my dogs... thank God for them though so there is goodness in them) but still human alone... LS- others suffering, alone, alone, bed. toss, turn, sad, turn , toss, cry, dream ,sob, awake. tired , tired, morning tired, sad.......alone. start again. PAIN 2
Breezee Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 (edited) I must say that after 6 months of being separated with the past two me being mostly pretty good, I'm now angry at him again. I'm ticked that he choose to leave rather than try and work things out. I'm ticked that he NEVER said anything to me about how he was really feeling for the past two years when I asked him why he was so distant sometimes. Instead of telling me we need to work on our marriage, he instead choose to say "I'm just tired from work". And I'm REALLY ticked that he left in the middle of our sons senior year! As if he doesn't have enough to worry about! Sometimes I just want to scream at him! Edited May 8, 2015 by Breezee 1
TunaCat Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I love roller coasters, but I HATE this one. I miss him so, so much tonight. He is the only guy I ever dated seriously. He was my best friend and I miss how he made me feel. I truly believed that we were going to get married. I had no reason to doubt that feeling. I wish he'd come back to me. I know I was terrified to commit, but I wanted to commit to him. I trusted him and I believed that he'd never hurt me. I'm a mess tonight.
TrevorDia Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I love roller coasters, but I HATE this one. I miss him so, so much tonight. He is the only guy I ever dated seriously. He was my best friend and I miss how he made me feel. I truly believed that we were going to get married. I had no reason to doubt that feeling. I wish he'd come back to me. I know I was terrified to commit, but I wanted to commit to him. I trusted him and I believed that he'd never hurt me. I'm a mess tonight. I know what you're going through only too well. These past few days I've been a complete mess without her, she was my best friend and even after we'd broken up we'd still been talking about eventually getting back together and getting married. I thought she was my soulmate, and there was nothing that could make me doubt that, but we were both young and inexperienced... We couldn't commit. She went the way of sleeping around and partying all the time, I went the way of getting a good job so I can provide for my future family. Soon enough we discovered we had become incompatible so I told her I love her as much as the day I met her and that we couldn't be friends anymore. She was seeing someone at the time so she wasn't even a little bothered, which kinda hurt me. Everything I've been working for was gone. And it's not coming back. One of the sickest things she used to make me do was write her messages at night before she went to sleep with stories about what we would do in the future. It was always stuff like, where we'd travel, where we'd go, where would we get married, how many kids we were going to have. She loved all that because it gave stability to her life. Since she's been gone I realise that none of that is ever going to happen for me. If she couldn't put up with me, then there's nobody for me. I am completely alone. Maybe some people are supposed to grow old alone? Or maybe some people are just categorically unloveable. I think I fit into that category. Anyway, I'm going to look into adopting a dog today. I think it's time I found some companionship. And since it won't come from any human, I guess I'll have to go with a dog. At least I haven't broken NC. 19 days.
Throldur Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I lost it... I tried flirting with one of the cute girls at the gym. I can tell she likes talking to me but there's no desire on her part to know me or be with me even for a date. I sense it. My hearts not in it, at all. It's been so long and I still cry for her. She is my soul-mate and I know this. I will keep trucking along but I don't think I'm gonna try to meet anyone new anymore, it's just not in me. She comes back, I'll be happy and we will make it work. If she doesn't.. then I'm just a Bachelor for life. I don't want to be with anyone else but the girl that is everything I ever wanted. The ****ty part is she's unhappy where she is.. I mean, that's good for me, but it just means so little because she's still there... and it never had to be this way. If she would have held on for a couple more weeks.. we could have had it all.. If I would have known then what I know now, there would have never been an issue. I'm so ****ing mad at her, myself, the universe.. everything. It shouldn't be this way. I love her. Always will. We were meant to be. I'm supposed to trust the Universe, I find it hard to, but I will..
TunaCat Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 At least I haven't broken NC. 19 days. I'm at day 47 of NC. Some days it's easy, some days it's very hard. 2
TrevorDia Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 I'm at day 47 of NC. Some days it's easy, some days it's very hard. Not to be prying into your personal life, but - is there ever a day where you don't think about him?
TunaCat Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Not to be prying into your personal life, but - is there ever a day where you don't think about him? Yup, I'd actually say that the days I don't think of him outnumber the days I do think about him.
thorin Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Today I miss the whole story - first kiss, how we've been building the comfort, first sex, etc. I threw her out of my life 2 months ago, but she keeps texting me sometimes. I reply to her, why not, it gives me some ego boost. Good thing that good days outnumber the bad days already - ~60-80 day of NC.
Zetec Posted May 9, 2015 Posted May 9, 2015 Haven't posted in a few days. Been really busy at work, and today I took a girl (an old school friend) out for a bike ride We went to the Forest, hired some bikes and rode round together chatting for two hours (It was a long cycle path!) We then had some lunch together, and a nice cup of tea. I am not getting my hopes up as I don't think that I am her type of guy - but it was a lovely day out, and gave me a little confidence boost Oh, and my ex? I haven't thought about her at all today up until this point
TrevorDia Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 It's 2am and I'm missing her. That's all there is to say. I just want things to be how they were. I want her. I love her.
Gwwm123 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Today I felt good in the morning and afternoon, I was a friend's party, now I am home and I don't know if I will go out because my friends haven't gotten back to me and I am terrified at the prospect of just staying home tonight. It means I wont stop thinking and fantasizing of her being here, we would shower together and cuddle in bed just the two of us and wake up to more cuddling. I miss her so much now.
Shetland Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I still wonder to myself...how someone you were so close to, would choose to disappear so suddenly. And I think to myself, can I do the rest of my life on my own again? She was my backbone, my best friend. I look into the future and I question my ability to take on the challenges of life without what had been my greatest source of support. Well yes, of course I can take on life. I've been doing it for the past twentyish years, and again for the past 5 months. But then I wonder, will I ever find myself in a bond like that ever again? 3
10yearsgoneaway Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 I checked his facebook page today. ( I know what you are all going to yell at me, but, I was weak) I see that he had recently Friended 4 females. Yes, these could be anybody(coworkers, whatever) but that's not where my brain wanders... I feel like I will never heal from this. And have had 3 straight bad days..
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