darkbloom Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Thank you for the support Darkbloom I think you're right, NC is truly the only way to get there as quickly as possible. However, I still have these little voices in my head that keep telling me not to let go, and I do my very best to cancel them out. Today I cried for the first time in over a week, I guess I just had to release some tension. My ex went NC too, ever since the break-up. I never showed her my love by buying her gifts, and I regret it. I'm sure there's nothing in her house that reminds her of me anymore since she deleted our photos, and that **** hurts like hell. Something about her forgetting about me gives me this insurmountable pain in my heart. Almost like I did't even exist, for those 4 years. I'm doing as much as I can to stay NC and stay busy. Whenever I break NC (looking at her twitter), I normally do it in the morning when the emotions are at their highest peak. Now I don't turn my phone on till early in the afternoon when most of those feelings subside. It's getting easier, but the same fears I had right after the break up are still there today. My ex DID give me a lot of gifts. That sh-t was painful. I would say over 80% of the jewelry I own was given to me by him. Either for a special occasion or just because. It's hard when I put on a necklace and I kind of have to relive the day that he gave it to me. Bittersweet. I won't get rid of the jewelry though because it is part of me. He told me his rule was no jewelry for a girl unless he put a ring on it first. I will let that irony sink in. I have no desire to get married ever so maybe he thought that he would make an exception. He has to get dressed everyday in the clothes I bought or picked out for him. I wonder if he got rid of them. I bet not. My feelings are strongest in the early morning right when I wake up or right before I fall asleep at night. I say a little prayer to let him go at night though and that helps a lot. I try to send it out to the universe. What will be, will be. 4 years is a long time for someone to be part of your life. I cannot expect someone who was that integral to my life to just disappear from my memories overnight.
Jonp219 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 My ex DID give me a lot of gifts. That sh-t was painful. I would say over 80% of the jewelry I own was given to me by him. Either for a special occasion or just because. It's hard when I put on a necklace and I kind of have to relive the day that he gave it to me. Bittersweet. I won't get rid of the jewelry though because it is part of me. He told me his rule was no jewelry for a girl unless he put a ring on it first. I will let that irony sink in. I have no desire to get married ever so maybe he thought that he would make an exception. He has to get dressed everyday in the clothes I bought or picked out for him. I wonder if he got rid of them. I bet not. My feelings are strongest in the early morning right when I wake up or right before I fall asleep at night. I say a little prayer to let him go at night though and that helps a lot. I try to send it out to the universe. What will be, will be. 4 years is a long time for someone to be part of your life. I cannot expect someone who was that integral to my life to just disappear from my memories overnight. I never got her jewelry. I was planning on getting her a necklace or a ring whenever we planned our next getaway. She never wore jewelry and she always told me she didn't like it, so I never got it for her. I was very affectionate with her, I believe showing the love is more important than giving it in a form of a gift (I don't know how far that got me lol). I've always been a terrible gift giver maybe it's something I need to work on. Worst thing I ever did that I truly truly regret now looking back at it, I gave her money this past Christmas. She wasn't sure about what she wanted, and finals were stressing me out like crazy, my mind just wasn't in the Christmas spirit. She didn't seem to mind, since we went on a mini-getaway just a few days after that and we enjoyed ourselves. But who knows, I feel like she forgot about me. Who cares though lol. Maybe I didn't love her as much as I thought I did, if I did I would of tried a little hard in every aspect of our relationship. But I didn't.
HBK3317 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I still dream of her once or twice every week and when I don't the first thing that comes to my mind when I get up is her. I don't know what the duck Is going on with me. Will this continue forever? I mean I can't live like this depressed, down and low, sad... I have nothing to look forward to and time is passing me by like a Lamborghini on nitros! Any one experiencing the same thing or went through this phase?
Throldur Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I still dream of her once or twice every week and when I don't the first thing that comes to my mind when I get up is her. I don't know what the duck Is going on with me. Will this continue forever? I mean I can't live like this depressed, down and low, sad... I have nothing to look forward to and time is passing me by like a Lamborghini on nitros! Any one experiencing the same thing or went through this phase? I'm in it right now. My dreams bounce from sexual dreams involving her, dreams where we are back together and happy, dreams where we are fighting over the same break-up ****, and dreams where she's gone and living her life with someone else. She exists in everything. I am trying this new visualization technique where I have basically frozen her in time the last time I saw her. Tears in her eyes and the door to her apartment closing. If she un-thaws and makes herself known into my life, that will be up to the Universe, but to me, she's frozen and there is no progression/regression in her life without me, she's just suspended in time and not existing unless she decides to want to exist in my life again. Coping is difficult because I want to move on at this stage. I know that if I let her go, then once she's been let go, that will be the only time she has an opportunity to bring herself back into my life.. but at the same time, I want to let her go and find someone I have a clean slate with so that there isn't any baggage and we can formulate a relationship without any eggshells to walk on. Only, any contact with potential mates doesn't go anywhere right now. I think I'm being told I'm not ready for that yet.. all I know is any "hope" in my ex's direction, turns negative to me.. so I am trying to conspire with some positive energies to be ready for someone else and let the ex stuff happen if it is supposed to.
ApexTitanium Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Please just call me and tell me you still love me, that you can't live without me and that you want to start fresh with me. God this is killing me.
AIJ Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Blocked the cheating bitch everywhere.. or so I'd thought. She added me on Snapchat again, completely missed that one. Does she not understand? I want NOTHING to do with you. F U C K O F F. Jesus Christ. 2
TunaCat Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 My brother is giving a project presentation tonight at school and since we've known about it for the entire school year my ex was planning to come along before we broke up. Our families have known each other since the ex and I were kids, so the ex has known my brother since he was a baby. It kills me that he won't be there tonight to support my brother. I am going to have to try extra hard this evening to keep the ex off of my mind. He should be there with me and my family.
ASV Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Feeling so small and worthless without her approval. Let's hope this weekend outside the city reports me some kind of satisfaction, which I haven't really got simce BU.
Throldur Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I've decided to freeze her in time. She's frozen in time, the moment she shut the door of her apartment on me for the last time and I left with the last bit of my stuff. I don't want to know about her existence and what she is doing while she is frozen in time. If we are meant to be, she will unthaw while I'm not watching and come back. If not then hopefully there is a woman out there for me and I did not blow my only shot at true love. However, it's hard. I won my hockey game last night. I'm going to the finals. She should have been there watching like she always did. We should have celebrated in each other's arms when we got back to the apartment. We should have shared in the glory of that victory. The finals start Sunday. I had a plan before she moved away to contact her before the finals and ask if she still had feelings for me to come and watch, cheer me on. That plan can't happen now since she's not living here anymore. I have to trust in the Universe. Hard to trust in things you can't control. I'm not built for that. I keep telling myself.. things will work out how they are supposed to. Keeping my eyes open for opportunities.. 1
AIJ Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Coping very well today, think I'm pretty much over it. No urges to check her social media for some time now, I think it's hilarious how she's with someone new yet still wants to have some kind of insight in to my life. I block her on Twitter, she adds me on snapchat. Christ girl you've got a new boyfriend! A few weeks ago I'd be ecstatic over this, thinking it's a sign she wants me back, now I just feel quite sorry for her and it's become quite annoying. Quite proud of myself for actually dealing with the break up in the manner that I did, much rather go through all the grieving and sadness than jump in to something new when I'm clearly not emotionally ready. I'd say I'm 95% healed now. The thought of her being intimate with this new guy doesn't even bother me anymore, you enjoy that whilst it lasts pal, she's a psycho! 4
Jonp219 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I'm my own worst enemy right now. I absolutely hate myself for being a piece of **** of a boyfriend. I'm starting to believe I may never be able to forgive myself for letting her go. 2
AIJ Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Come home from work to see I have a Snapchat from my ex. It's just her new boyfriend posing like an absolute bellend. I'm actually beginning to feel very sorry for her, like are you THAT desperate for a reaction that you're going to these lengths? Come on now, where's your dignity? Poor thing. Clearly not over me, but you enjoy your new happy clappy relationship 2
ApexTitanium Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Can't let go....can't forgive myself Wtf is wrong with me?
dvx Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Come home from work to see I have a Snapchat from my ex. It's just her new boyfriend posing like an absolute bellend. I'm actually beginning to feel very sorry for her, like are you THAT desperate for a reaction that you're going to these lengths? Come on now, where's your dignity? Poor thing. Clearly not over me, but you enjoy your new happy clappy relationship Wow. 1
Throldur Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Tonight.. her, her father and I were supposed to go the Tragically Hip Concert together.. It's obviously not happening and it sucks. I'll enjoy it with my family. I know there will be a few songs that I will feel some terrible emotion for you. I also know that you'll be angry over there.. knowing what you are missing out on. I bet you'll have an argument filled night over there. Realizing you made the biggest mistake of your life yet? 1
Throldur Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Did the best I could.. Ate at a restaurant that we all ate at the last time we went to a concert together.. thought about that night. Listened to the music and thought about you a lot. Thought about how we could have been making another incredible memory together. While I listened to the music, you were probably sitting in your foreign place, doing nothing, staring at the wall, staring at your phone, and realizing that there is more fun to be had where you were and who you were with. They played "Scared" as an encore.. and I started to cry, just a few tears.. I would have loved to hold you in that moment, stared into your eyes, kissed you.. but nothing, no connection, just the infinite emptiness, this hole in the earth that can't be filled. There was the most beautiful girl in the world in the seat in front of me. She was there with her boyfriend. He didn't touch her, he barely looked at her, and I thought how could you not be mesmerized by that girl? Every one of her movements were adorable. For a moment, I felt hope, that there were better girls out there.. but that hope faded because she had someone. He was making a mistake by not showing attention and affection the way I know, but still, they were together and I was a stranger. There was no hope. I rubbed my stone necklace and wished that if I don't get my ex back, I could get a girl like that, no, I could get -that- girl.. Wishes don't normally come true for me, the one that did, was her, and she's gone and no amount of wishes I've made since then has brought a sniff of you back to me and certainly hasn't brought a new girl into my life, either. Just don't know why on the night I should have been spending with her.. I had to stare at a girl like that and know she was just as unavailable to me as my ex girlfriend in another province. Just seemed like further punishment to me. I used to look at girls like that and say, Why can't I have a girl like that? Then I got her.. and now I look at a girl like that and say, I had a girl like that.. why can't I still have her? 'Cause I'm not meant to, I guess..
ASV Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Got out of my city-comfort zone this weekend, in order to try to meet new people, activities and places. Everything went OK until I got that chemical sadness while being alone in the streets at night, wondering how would she do and almost sure that she was doing much better than me. Honestly, each day gets more difficult for me. About 4 months since BU and I feel like day one, and I ain't exaggerating a bit. I really hope I'm not one of these obsessive cases which are impossible to cure. I don't even see a light beyond the tunnel.
Jonp219 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Seriously, **** everything. Warmest day of the year in NYC, and all I can think about is how me and my ex use to go to central park. I hate myself so much today, I haven't cried this much in weeks.
AIJ Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Went out last night, got incredibly drunk. Did I think about drunk texting/calling my ex? Nope. Didn't even think about her at all as it goes. Coping very well, everything's looking fine and dandy. Although I did end up having to make my way home from London at about 5am this morning with a dead phone and no money so that was certainly interesting! Blocked my ex on snapchat too, so that's Twitter, Whatsapp, Snapchat AND her number. If only there was a way to block her in a physical sense. Odds on her just so conveniently happening to bump in to me in public somewhere? Quite high I'd say.. would probably stick a tenner on her turning up at my house at some point in the future, since she now has 0 insight in to my life whatsoever. Feels good. 1
TunaCat Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I find myself dealing with a lot of anger & sadness today. I actually broke down today. I hate that he still has that power. I miss him, horribly, but I am a strong woman. I don't want someone who doesn't want me.
Throldur Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Terrible.. on the verge of doing something that is so important to me and it just doesn't feel or mean as much since she's not there to share it with me. I don't know how to wait.. wait to see if she comes back, wait to see if there's someone new I'm meant to be with... ****, I hate this. I don't understand this.
BlackbirdSong Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Terrible.. on the verge of doing something that is so important to me and it just doesn't feel or mean as much since she's not there to share it with me. I don't know how to wait.. wait to see if she comes back, wait to see if there's someone new I'm meant to be with... ****, I hate this. I don't understand this. Dude, some hottie is going to be in the stands watching you win the championship and she's gonna want you. Just watch. Play your best brother. It'll all come together. 2
Throldur Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Dude, some hottie is going to be in the stands watching you win the championship and she's gonna want you. Just watch. Play your best brother. It'll all come together. There are a few hotties that come to watch the game. One, used to be mine. The rest, are all taken. You should have seen this girl in front of me at The Tragically Hip concert. Probably like.. the incarnation of the perfect girl looks wise for me. There with her boyfriend and he barely even paid attention to her the whole night.. I was like, I would NEVER look away from this girl. Give me a shot with her down the line, PLEASE. Second time since my break-up I've seen a girl that I thought, OK, so there are some beautiful girls in my taste out there. But, they are all taken.. so FML, right?
BlackbirdSong Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 There are a few hotties that come to watch the game. One, used to be mine. The rest, are all taken. You should have seen this girl in front of me at The Tragically Hip concert. Probably like.. the incarnation of the perfect girl looks wise for me. There with her boyfriend and he barely even paid attention to her the whole night.. I was like, I would NEVER look away from this girl. Give me a shot with her down the line, PLEASE. Second time since my break-up I've seen a girl that I thought, OK, so there are some beautiful girls in my taste out there. But, they are all taken.. so FML, right? Nah, that's just a sign that you CAN move on and there are other girls out there that you are attracted to. It's a good thing. 2
Throldur Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Nah, that's just a sign that you CAN move on and there are other girls out there that you are attracted to. It's a good thing. It's a sign I can be attracted to other girls, even more so than my ex-girlfriend, that's for sure. But, let's be honest, girls like that are very rarely single.. it's gotta be right place, right time, right things to say/look like.. I realize how lucky I was with my ex girlfriend. I curse any little thing I ever did wrong, wish she never did what she did, though. If she comes back or I get someone new. I will literally not make one ****ing mistake, I swear.
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